In My World: Stopping the Oil Leak

Posted on May 25, 2010 1:02 pm

“I’m here to stop the oil leak!” President Obama announced as he approached the oil-soaked beach.

“Oh,” the BP official said, “I didn’t think you were going to help.”

“I have been helping,” Obama said, “I’ve been yelling at you to do better. That’s a sort of helping. But then I thought of a way to stop the oil leak for good. Know what that method is?”

“Well… I guess we could–”

“Science!” Obama shouted gleefully. “I thought maybe we could use Science! to stop it.”

“Actually, we’ve been using–”

“I got all the best scientific minds together,” Obama continued, “and they were like, ‘Stop bothering us, Obama!’ Then they made fun of my ears. They were mean scientists and I don’t like them anymore. But in the end, Professor Science! agreed to come and use Science! to stop the oil leak.”

A man in an impressive white lab coat holding a test tube approached the shore. “It is I: Professor Science!, and I will stop this leak using… Science!”

“Yay!” Obama exclaimed, clapping his hands together excitedly.

“Now stand back, laymen,” Professor Science! said. “Make room for… Science!” Professor Science! approached the shore and held his test tube high. “By the power of Science!, I command the leak to stop!”

Everyone was silent for a few moments, waiting to see if anything happened. “Did it work?” Obama finally asked.

“The Science! on whether an oil leak is slowing is… complicated,” Professor Science! said, “but I think it’s… um… yeah, it’s slowing.”

“Yay for Science!” Obama shouted. “Well, I guess we’re done here. I’m going to go to Arizona now and yell at them for being racist.” He started heading away with Professor Science, telling him, “I read that it was racist on the internet.”

“The internet was made with Science!”

“Wow!”

Alone on the shore, the BP official bowed his head. “I wish I thought of using Science!.”

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17 Responses to “In My World: Stopping the Oil Leak”

  1. Francesco Poli says:

    Are you sure it’s Professor Science! and not Doctor Insano?

  2. Burmashave says:

    This is what I remember about Science! First, you make a model of a volcano out of plaster. Then it erupts. But it always stops. So, I think we’re O.K.

  3. MarkoMancuso says:

    British Petroleum.

    I’m just sayin’. First they sent Bloody Tarleton riding through the South. Then they burned our white house. Then what happened? They disappeared, only popping up to fight Germans. It’s awfully bloody suspicious, isn’t it? Oh, blimey, I’m talking like them.

  4. Proud Infidel says:

    Marko, it is awfully bloody suspicious. My suspicions about the British began when I first heard about what passes for British cuisine. Spotted d**k? Who the hell would name something they eat spotted d**k? That’s more than enough reason for a boycott!

  5. Jimmy says:

    Very funny, Frank. But the scientists I work with are very jealous of engineers, especially after I explain to them that, “See, there’s Science! And then there’s Engineering!

    (Forgive me, I’ve been gone to sea too long again. It’s nice to come back and laugh at IMAO, however.)

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    Jimmy, will we be seeing you on Deadliest Catch?

  7. Cilla Mitchell, Galveston Texas says:

    What about getting that little Dutch fellow to plug up the leak with his finger?

  8. Cilla Mitchell, Galveston Texas says:

    Jimmy: your post reminds me me of the lyrics, ” I’m, a rambling wreck from Georgia Tech, and a hell of an engineer.” God, my mind must be going. Must be all the herbs I smoked in the past.

  9. Jimmy says:

    No, Marko, but you’ll be seeing me on that new hit show, Deadliest Engineers! starring the Giant Software Weenie who brings “Scientists!” to their knees in front of the Neptune god.

    And Cilla, the land is moving which means I’m a rambling wreck – but not from Georgia Tech!

  10. MarkoMancuso says:

    There’s something very fun about yelling, “To Hell with Georgia!”

    Sorry, Basil.

  11. Genghis Khen says:

    Is the oil slick black? Wouldn’t it be racist to oppose it?

  12. Peregrine John says:

    That Dutch kid got in trouble because GLAD heard about what he stuck his finger in, and now he’s too busy with quasi-legal nonsense to help.

    So… the oil is settled?

  13. Burmashave says:

    Didja hear what Obama said today about the oil spill and Science!? He said, “If all Americans would inflate their tires to the proper pressure, the oil leak will stop and the slick will disappear.”

  14. Terry_Jim says:

    Cool, the Amazon ad link has 3 or 4 oil-stop-leak products,
    why don’t they pour a few hundred barrels of Lucas Oil Brand Stop Leak down the hole.
    Science! wins again!

  15. wilson bezerra says:

    squeeze the pipe down. This will stop the leak.
    Just squeeze the pipe closed. If the pipe is 200 feet long and is leaking around the center, just squeeze the pipe prior to the leakage.

  16. 4of7 says:

    It hard for BP to get anything done with all those d*mn boots on their necks.

  17. Ithoughtengineersweresmart says:

    More like it’s hard for BP to get anything done because they’re not as resourceful as you think. The spill is their doing, closing it should be their doing (which they’ve failed miserably at doing, and not because of boots on their necks, but because they obviously didn’t plan for this contingency – probably too busy putting the money that could have been spent ages ago on a fix into their fat fucking pockets). But, hey, let’s blame Obama. Even though the feds don’t have “oil leaking from pipes deep in the ocean” action plans ready to go, something the companies drilling for oil should have in abundance. Nope. Blame him. While you’re at it, ignore the economic state when Bush left and the trillions spent on “war,” and say Obama’s healthcare plan is bankrupting the US.

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