It’s an Extra Special Time to Point and Laugh at Kos

Every day is a great day to laugh at Kos and his wacky denizens, but it’s an extra special time right now. Kos has his book American Taliban coming out which is how conservatives Taliban because he really doesn’t like conservatives and he sorta doesn’t like the Taliban (though he can understand their anger at America and the Jews), and it’s a yawn inducing argument now even among the poo-throwers and eaters at Daily Kos.

But now it’s interesting. Because Kos is suing the polling firm he relied on for many of his book’s conclusions for just making data up. And they’re counter suing him for being a twerp or something.

So let’s all take some time out of our day to point and laugh at Kos… not for ourselves, but to help him learn to do better in the future.

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The K in Kerry Stands for Dumbass

I’m on John Kerry’s e-mail list for some reason, and I got an e-mail from him titled this yesterday:

“The R in Rand Stands for Radical”

And I was dumbstruck. I don’t get how a grown man would write that thinking it’s clever. It’s like what Data would come up with if you tasked him to make a clever statement belittling someone. It’s an imitation of being clever while completely missing the concept.

Basically, the statement is a failed attempt to say “Rand and Radical Both Start with an R” in a clever way, which wasn’t really a worthwhile observation to begin with. Now, if Rand Paul’s name were “Bob R. Paul” and Kerry said, “The R in Bob R. Paul Stand for Radical”, that would be clever… for a four year old. As it is, Kerry just completely missed the clever boat. Let me point out the obvious: The R doesn’t stand for anything because Rand’s name is not an acronym. It’s just the first letter of his name. Kerry’s statement makes only slightly more sense than “The N in Rand Stands for Not Someone You Should Elect”… except that is so overly awkward and wooden that it’s actually a little funny (much like John Kerry himself).

During 2004, John Kerry demonstrated he had trouble with relating with normal human beings, and he really shouldn’t try. His e-mail would have been just fine titled “Rand is a Radical”, but instead he attempted and failed at something humorous. And humor is about making an intellectual connection with your audience saying, “I think like you.” But if from Kerry’s humor you recognize he thinks like a moron, then his message is “You’re a drooling idiot like me and would think this is clever.” So his humor is actually insulting. And thus who would want to read his stupid e-mail after that?

This isn’t just my opinion. This is the opinion of a political humor expert… who is me. And some politician really shouldn’t play with humor without an expert watching.

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Frum Hell

John Hawkins wouldn’t let David Frum’s site, the Frum Forum, into the Conservative Blog Ads Hive because Frum is not a conservative, he’s a dingus (though I am in the Conservative Blog Ads Hive because of my awesomeness). This made Frum mad and he was all “I’m telling the truth and people can’t stand it, blah blah blah, clippity clop!” And then know who came out to defend Frum? Andrew Sullivan, Charles Johnson, and Media Matters’s David Brock. Wow, what super conservative friends you have, Frum.

Anyway, if Frum wants to say he’s a conservative, then fine — he’s a conservative. That’s opinion, really, and people can have their opinions. But they also have to note this about him which is not an opinion but an objective fact if you think Frum is a conservative: He’s a complete and utter moron.

How is that an objective fact? Well, let’s look at what Frum is trying to do. He says he wants to convince conservatives away from radicalism. So he needs a message tailored to conservatives. Instead though, all he is ever able to do is antagonize conservatives and the only people who like his message about how mean and awful the conservatives are are liberals. So are we supposed to believe Frum is a super smart member of conservatives with a message conservatives need to hear yet has no idea how conservatives think and thus is completely unable to communicate to them in a useful way?

There are either two possibilities: Frum isn’t trying to antagonize conservatives which means he’s doing it by accident because he’s a complete an utter moron with no idea how to talk to people. And if someone doesn’t understand people — doesn’t understand how conservatives behave — how worthwhile would his political viewpoints be and is there any point in listening to him?

The other possibility is Frum is purposely trying to antagonize conservative because he’s not a conservative. Instead, he’s a dingus. And is there any point in listening to a dingus?

So there are your two possibilities for Frum: Moron conservative who its pointless to listen or dingus who its pointless to listen to. Any other possibility doesn’t fit with the facts.

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Random Thoughts

I’m almost convinced daylight savings was invented out of a hatred of programmers.

Seems like a good day to point and laugh at Kos. In other words, a Tuesday.

I forget: What happened when someone called me on the phone during my favorite TV show before DVR?

Thinking about TV watching habits pre-DVR, I vaguely remember the phrase “Did I miss anything?”

Now I head to bed alone. I lost out to sparkly vampires.

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lolbama! Part 43

CRY FOR HELP: I’m desperately in need of captions for last week’s lolterizt pic:

that DON’T have a “rock, paper, scissors” theme. Put on your thinking glove and lend a hand, if you can.

Meanwhile, this week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Bassguy:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larry:

From Larry:

[reference link (ok, this is a parody, but it gets the point across)]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Hart of That Hero:

From Hart of That Hero:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Stephen:

[reference link]

From Steve:

[reference link]

From Turtle’s Fun Club:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Heads up: “I’m gonna kick BP’s ass”-type captions are going to be a dime a dozen, so if you’re going to try that angle, you’ll need to be extra creative.

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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In the Mail

I got an advanced copy of friend of IMAO Mike Z. Williamson’s new book Do Unto Others which comes out in the beginning of August. It’s a sequel to his popular Better to Beg Forgiveness… which I really liked. I’ll try and get my opinion of it up before it’s out.

I am working on my own SF novel, BTW. Little past the halfway point on the 2nd draft, and when I get it done… well, I’m not really sure what’s next. I think fame and fortune.

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D’OH!

Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!

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The Three Views of President Obama

I noticed there are three completely different ways I view President Obama.

When it’s issues of national security, or foreign countries attack him as a way of attacking our country and he stands up against them, I see him as our president.

When racial issues come up (like, are those countries only saying mean things about America because they don’t like our president being black?), I see him as our first black president.

And when he’s a complete and utter screw up — which unfortunately is most of the time — I see him as Obama.

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G-20

So does anyone understand what this G-20 stuff is? All I know is annually (I think annually) people get together and I have no idea what they talk about or accomplish there, but I know a bunch of hippies go crazy — like running around and randomly smashing stuff crazy. And they’re all too submoronic and incoherent to verbalize what they’re protesting — if any of them bother to try and put a reason behind it — so I still have no idea what’s going on (though probably still more of an idea than the protesters). Best I can tell, world leaders get together, drink cocktails, and chant the word, “G-20!” And “G-20” is this magic phrase which causes morons to go into a frenzy, and the world leaders watch the rampaging idiots and laugh and clap in amusement.

Anyone have a better explanation?

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Guns! Guns! Guns!

The Supreme Court ruled that we have an individual right to firearms, which is pretty “duh” to most people since that’s what the Constitution says. It’s just there’s a lot of liberals who read the Constitution like they’re Nicholas Cage looking for hidden messages in the document to lead them treasure. I don’t know how they get employment; it’s a failure of the system.

So do you think the national guard will have to be called down to Chicago to escort people into gun shops? Well, I guess gun owners don’t really need protection from the government, because, you know, they have guns. Still, there is more work to do elsewhere. Forty states now have right to carry laws, but there are a few hold outs left where liberals gather and scream, “No! Nasty, terrible freedom! Keep it away!” And they tell fairy tales about how if people get gun rights then everyone just starts randomly shooting each other — which apparently they believe is happening in the forty states that have embraced gun rights. On the issue of guns, many liberals are just completely immune to facts and reason, clinging to the idea the earth is flat no matter what facts you show them. And they’re also becoming increasingly irrelevant. Not even Obama can speak out on guns for fear of the backlash (in fact, he signed a bill allowing conceal and carry in national parks).

So, while America has faltered in many areas, guns are a clear win for conservatives. The issue is pretty much settled — both at the ballot box and in the courts — and the few scared of the light can only bitterly cling to their irrational fear and hatred for so much longer. And while a right to guns is recognized, the rest of the freedoms are a little bit safer.

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Random Thoughts

Why do Republicans get to be called racist for opposing taxes, but Democrats can elect a Klan member over and over for years?

I’m tired of politicians who treat our tax money like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Did seem weird with a black president having the third in line be a former Klansman.

Oh boy; only three people between Hillary and the presidency right now. Wouldn’t want to be those three.

I’d rather a 12-year-old with basic reading skills be on the Supreme Court than the average liberal justice. Dissent from Tommy, age 12: “I looked in the Constitution and I didn’t see that.”

The Supreme Court decision marks a good time for punks to reassess their luckiness.

I like the iPad. Makes me feel like I’m in the future… or at least 2010 as I would have imagined it as a child.

I don’t like how we call only some elections “special elections.” All elections are special in their own way.

With 40 right-to-carry states, you can either point to an example of your worst case scenario happening or admit you’re full of it. Or continue ranting incoherently, immune to evidence and reason. There’s always that third option.

I remember when I was the only kid in the neighborhood with a super-soaker. It was like when the US was the only one with nukes.

Our baby is going to have to be pretty impressive to compete with the iPad.

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What to Do About North Korea

North Korea is demanding $65 trillion in compensation from the U.S. You want to laugh at North Korea’s wacky antics that only ever convince countries to take them less seriously, but then you remember these nutjobs control the lives of millions of people. It’s like the most moronic, obnoxious troll you’ve met on the internet as unquestioned dictator. It’s just wrong that government exists and those leaders live, but it’s also well established now that we don’t like going to other countries and setting up new governments.

So how about this idea: First chance we get, we murder all of North Korea’s leadership.

Yes, they’ll probably just put other evil nutjobs in charge. So here’s what we do: We kill them, too. And we just keep doing that over and over until they run out of evil nutjobs and have to put someone somewhat sensible in charge. I think it’s a sensible idea — probably for other countries too — and won’t take any troop commitments as soon as we have lasers that can kill people from space. How many times do I have to say this, people: Smart diplomacy = space lasers.

I’m just trying to build us a better world; people really need to start listening to me.

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New Rules of Engagement

There’s talk that General Petraeus may change the rules of engagement in Afghanistan. We here at IMAO have obtained an advanced copy of what those new rules may be:

LETHAL FORCE CAN BE APPLIED WHEN…

* Someone is shooting at you.

* Someone is shooting near you.

* Someone is shooting another Transformers sequel.

* Someone blows into a vuvuzela.

* You already tried fisticuffs, and that didn’t work.

* You have written permission from your parents.

* Someone makes a “Yo’ Mama” joke that really stings.

* You ask, “Can I use lethal force against you?” and you’re pretty sure you see the guy nod.

* You’ve run into the inventor of clamshell packaging.

* Someone just looks extra, super terroristy.

* Hippies.

* Someone throws a puppy at you.

* You’re absolutely sure there’s no media around.

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Do People Oppose the Arizona Law for Intelligible Reasons?

The evidence points towards “No.”

First, there are all the people convinced the law says, “Arrest brown people,” and no amount of evidence will convince them otherwise. And then there was a hearing in Milwaukee on boycotting Arizona, and Supervisor Peggy West said that the law wasn’t understandable because Arizona isn’t a border state. So we’ve gone from people not reading the Arizona law before opposing it to people not even bothering to look where Arizona is on a map.

There are just certain issues where nothing can get done because one side has determined there is a partisan advantage to screeching incoherently if anything is tried. At least people are so ignorant about this one, maybe Arizona can relieve some pressure by tricking people into boycotting cities that are actually in Ohio.

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Random Thoughts

So who doesn’t participate in a secret mailing list where you bash conservatives?

BREAKING: Markos Moulitsas will now cover conservatives for the WaPo in a feature entitled “Screw ‘Em!”

I’m starting an exclusive list for only right-leaning journalists where we make fun of conservatives behind their backs.

Whoops. Too exclusive. I didn’t make the list.

If I were to compare the current state of our country to a Season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it would be season six. Our current threats seem silly compared to the big bads of the past, and everything is just generally depressing. We could use a musical episode, though.

So you have free speech. Unless you’re in a group. Except if you’re a union.

If you were going to commit suicide by setting yourself on fire, do you think you could resist saying, “Flame on!” before lighting?

I hate that we have a ten based number system. Ten is 2^3 + 2^1. It’s a stupid, arbitrary number.

If only we had eight fingers like the Simpsons.

I don’t like it when the Supreme Court cites foreign law, as it’s only a step away from citing Ape Law.

I’m watching soccer, haven’t showered yet today, and haven’t fired a gun in a long while; am I turning European?

I think baseball would really benefit from the vuvuzela.

I’m always missing goals in soccer. It would really help if the commentators shouted, “Something’s happening!” when something is happening.

People have jobs in art galleries a lot in fiction. It’s a very popular job if you’re fictional.

What percentage of G20 protestors do you think actually understand what they’re protesting?

What we learned from the World Cup is to never again let South Africa host anything because the country is full of horn-blowing sociopaths.

Take the dumbest, most obnoxious internet troll and make him an unquestioned dictator. That’s North Korea.

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