How to Stop Secrets from Leaking
With the leak of the tens of thousands of documents on Afghanistan, it kind of sounds like we have a problem in our government of people leaking secret documents. Here are some ideas to stop that:
* Cover random secret documents with Ebola virus. Then finding the leaker is as simple as seeing who is bleeding out his eyes.
* Have a guardian stand before our secret documents, making everyone answer three questions to prove whether he is worthy to see them.
* When the leaker brings the documents to the New York Times, then you grab him because you secretly shipped everyone there to Gitmo and replaced them with doubles (Paul Krugman is a goat in a suit).
* The cabinet we keep all the secret documents in: Put a lock on it.
* Stop handing out free secret documents at tours even though it gets the tourists really excited. Also, stop giving tours of secret document facilities.
* When the leaker is found, draw and quarter him and put each piece at one of the four corners of the earth as a warning to others. You may need air fresheners, because that could smell.
* Have a guy standing in the shadows smoking a cigarette watching everyone who learns government secrets.
* Never ever write anything secret down.
* For the people allowed access to secret documents, try to look for red flags in their backgrounds that show that they might not have the best interests of our country in mind, such as if they voted Democrat.
(15 votes, average: 4.87 out of 5)
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July 27th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Loose Lips Sink Ships – If you ask me this leak should be considered a crime, and the leaker, if American, should be punished to the full extent of the law. If not American, give them a free trip to a CIA “Happy House” and find out their motivations and accomplices. Being prior military, this is absolutely inexcusable. OPSEC – thats what its all about, and we have namby pamby yahoos out there afraid were hurting the Taliban’s feelings. This is ridiculous. I am very ashamed to see the liberals just leaping with delight at the possibility of America doing not so pretty things. I know they cant help it being they are all not-so-smart, but a good hippie punch can bring some smarts.
July 27th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Some really good suggestions, Frank. Though I’m partial to the “just shoot the treasonous SOBs in the head right now” school of leak stoppage.
July 27th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
If more than one person knows a secret, it might as well be public knowledge.
July 27th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
If two people know a secret, then the other has to die.
July 27th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
We must use Jack Ryan’s canary trap.
Once the leaker is identified, we will capture him and place him in a steel cage with a canary and a supersized rattlesnake created by our military. The canary will sing his beautiful song in celebration as the rattlesnake eats the leaker. This event will be televised.
July 27th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
Frank, please moderate my comment. Thanks.
July 27th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Are moderated comments still considered random? ……Just a passing thought…or what passes as thought in my world.
July 27th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Replace the Executive Summary of all Secret documents with a list of Truther talking points. That way, if the documents get leaked, whoever starts to read them will think…”This is CRAP!” and not bother to go beyond the first page.
July 27th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Infidel, wouldn’t that just replace one kind of leak with another? Oh well.
So, all the powers that be are claiming that the leaks will not harm US forces. Here’s the Burmashave test for potential harm: Will our enemies spend months or a year gleaning every little bit of useful information from the leaks? That is, is it us or them who determines the usefulness of the leaked information?
July 27th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Is it just my browser or is everyone seeing men’s underwear ads in the left-hand frame? Why underwear? With the subject being leaks I could understand “Depends” ads – but why “Tulio Neon Slinky Pouch Brief – Yellow”?
July 27th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
DamnCat: Yeah, yellow undies are nasty. I can’t believe they photoshopped those on me during that shoot. My publicist is so fired.
July 27th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
DamnCat, would you like a Tulio Power Pouch for Christmas this year?
July 27th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
When it comes to military secrets of screts in general I like to follow WWGD (What Would Gibbs DO – NCIS)
Rule #4: The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself.
Second best? Tell one other person – if you must.
There is no third best
July 27th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Thanks Marko – but that pouch actually looks a bit underpowered to me.
Furthermore, what guy is gonna pay $22.00 to $44.00 just to get into his own underbritches?
July 27th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Thor – I thought that was you. Go easy on your publicist – if it wasn’t for him you’d still be displaying the goods out on the street.
July 27th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
How about we just shrink the government to such a size that it doesn’t have the capacity to create or store secrets?
July 27th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
(Paul Krugman is a goat in a suit)
Yes! I’ve always found something disquieting about his appearance. Now I know what it is. Nailed it, Frank.
July 27th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
“Is it just my browser or is everyone seeing men’s underwear ads in the left-hand frame?”
I’m seeing them too. And the word “disturbing” comes to mind. Especially the “Neon Slinky Pouch Brief.” Thank God for my drawer full of Tighty Whities back home!
July 27th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
When the leaker is found, hand him over to me. I’ll feed him to the raccoons.
July 27th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Once Blazing Saddles (one of the greatest movies ever made) fills a much needed niche. President Obama: Holy underwear! Secrets leaked! Secrets posted on the internet for all to see! We have to protect our phony baloney jobs here, gentlemen! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately! Immediately! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!
July 27th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
Perhaps our plan and our reports should all be much more simple. Example:
PLAN: Kill everything and blow stuff up.
FOLLOW-UP REPORT: We killed everything and blew stuff up.
Then, leaked reports aren’t exactly groundbreaking news, and our enemies that would have spent their time analyzing them looking for useful intel will be…well, dead.
July 27th, 2010 at 10:18 pm
Sandy Berger must have really really big socks.
Just tell the MSM that a copy of a certain birth certicate is in there. The secrets will never get published.
July 27th, 2010 at 11:09 pm
They should Never keep classified information on a Pentagon computer.
It takes up critical file space they could be using to store pron.
When I was in the service they had things called ‘chain of custody’, ‘need to know’, ‘background checks’ and ’2 person integrity’ for handling classified material, and it seemed to work just fine.
How big a file would you need to store 90,000+ documents, and how long would it take to download?
I don’t like to download a You Tube video if it runs over 5 minutes, for Pete’s sake!
July 27th, 2010 at 11:30 pm
Just secure with duct tape. Always dependable.
July 28th, 2010 at 1:30 am
A conspiracy theory for y’all to consider:
Maybe “the leak” wasn’t a true leak but just an attempt my the regime to get support for the internet fairness act thing they wanted to pass. How long do you think it will be before dictator obama sends out one of his peons to make a comments along the lines of:
“If only the proper regulations were in place this leak of classifieds documents never would have happened. Vote “yes” on government takeover, err I mean government regulation of the web to better protect you, the mindless cattle, err I mean you, the people and the lives of our service men and women. Who knows, it might even help the troops.”
I realize that this is a stretch, after all who is going to believe that anyone in this socialist dictatorship cares about the troops…