lolterizt! Part 115

HELP! I’m still desperately in need of captioned versions of last week’s lolbama! pic:

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From me (Harvey):

From Melissa:

From Melissa:

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Blaine:

From DamnCat:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From killingthemonkey:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Liberals’ Thinking on Discrimination

The whole Ground Zero mosque thing where liberals are convinced its bigotry to even for a second use any critical thinking whatsoever about a Muslim’s motivations is pretty odd. Most people when they hear some Muslims want to build a mosque as close as possible to ground zero would get a little suspicious — because that’s the rational response — but the liberals just clamped their hands over their years and yelled, “Bigotry!” over and over.

Here’s the liberal thinking as I see it. We had a bunch of Muslim terrorists kill thousands of people. So people, naturally are suspicious of Muslims, even though most Muslims in this country wouldn’t kill anyone. Thus, people want Muslims checked when they go on an airplane, but that’s discriminatory so we end up also checking 80-year-old white women just to be fair. And then the liberals comes along and says, “Know what would be really non-discriminatory? We don’t ever check any Muslims to really show them we trust them and only scrutinize 80-year-old white women.” And thus they lost the rational point in the symbolism — that there are a few Muslims we still need to scrutinize — but they’ll scream bigotry if you try and point that out to them.

So point is, as always, liberals are idiots and should never be listened to on any serious subject. Instead of national policy, put them in charge of decorations for the homecoming dance or something.

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Butching Up the President

Wow. The president’s a dork.

All the serious problems in the world, and we got Pee-wee Herman as our leader. I’ve seen sparkly vampires with a more intimidating presences. Meanwhile, Vladamir Putin is shooting whales with a crossbow. That sounds dangerous, but you don’t see him with a “I’m a dork!” helmet.

Our enemies just aren’t going to take Obama seriously unless we find some way to butch him up somehow. Here are some ideas:

* Make him part cyborg, like Cheney.

* Make him look more muscular by giving him fake muscles molded from Michelle Obama’s arms.

* Get him fool pitying lessons from Mr. T (but make sure it doesn’t devolve into self-pity).

* If he needs an anecdote things getting more expensive, instead of talking about the price of organic arugula at Whole Foods, have him mention the rising costs of chainsaws at Home Depot or talk about how expensive ammo is getting.

* Do something about those ears; he looks like Mickey Mouse.

* When he’s angry, make sure he doesn’t use the phrase “Wee wee’d up.” Actually, try in general to keep him from talking like a three-year-old.

* Have him constantly inhale sulfur hexafluoride gas so he’ll have a deep, intimidating voice.

* You can’t keep people from comparing him to Spock, but you can at least stop giving him a bowl cut and take away his toy tricorder.

* Instead of a dorky bike helmet, how about one of those WWI helmets with the spike on top. And instead of a Schwinn, how about a Harley. And instead of Obama, how about an actor stand in like Samuel L. Jackson.

* Cowboy hat. Patch eye. Six-shooter. Peg leg. Yeah, that’s it: Cowboy pirate.

What are your ideas to make Obama less dorky?

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Will the November Election Be Epic?

It’s really looking that way. Gallup has Republicans leading in a generic ballot by 10 points. A five point lead was the highest Republicans ever had in the history of Gallup, and for comparison I believe Republicans were tied with Democrats in the poll in 1994.

The only thing, of course, is that Republicans still suck and we expect them to disappoint us quickly after they’re elected. And polls still show that in general people don’t like Republicans. Still, it’s a different “not like” versus people not liking Democrats right now. It’s like not liking the over-talkative guy at work versus not liking a serial rapist.

Anyway, don’t get cocky, but at least be prepared for monumental gloating on November 3rd.

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Random Thoughts

Bolton/’Stache 2012… or should that be ‘Stache/Bolton 2012?

I don’t listen to excuses. It’s not that I don’t like excuses; I just hate listening.

The next door neighbor has chickens and they’re always clucking at me. It’s like living next door to Gob Bluth.

I really like Modern Family, yet I still don’t get all the over the top love for it.

2nd draft of novel finished. 87,000 words – a little shorter than I was hoping. Plan to bulk it up a bit in the final draft. I like writing dialog, but I hate writing descriptions. Descriptions are… something.

I remember this long bit of text – I think by Dickens – that was just describing one tree. Very admirable. And boring.

Not quite sure what the next step is after I finish my novel, but I’m pretty sure phase 3 is “Profit.”

All the weirdos on True Blood are starting to make me miss the sparkly vampires.

I’m going to try a few things at home, and if it turns out poorly I’ll warn people not to try those things at home.

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Kids These Days: Video Games

I’m only 31, and I’m not sure that’s quite old enough to be ranting about kids these days, but I am conservative so it does seem like I might as well get an early start. Anyway…

Have you seen kids these days and their video games? Kids just don’t appreciate what a video game is really about. If they tried playing Donkey Kong, after a few minutes they’d say, “Now how do I get online to pwn some n00bs?” Back in my day, video games weren’t about pwning n00bs and there wasn’t a line to be on. Video games were just about demonstrating your individual skill and getting a high score so you could put your initials in as “ASS”.

And what’s with all the story in video games? Video games these days all need to have cut scenes and voice acting. What for? Back in my day, video games didn’t have stories. Why did Pac-Man need to eat all the dots on the screen? Because it was a video game and that was the objective, that’s why. If I wanted a story, I’d have a read a book. And I never did.

And what’s with all the sandbox games? So many games these days just let you wander around and do nothing in particular, and kids these days think that’s so cool. “Wow; I can just run around town doing whatever I want!” I already have a place I can wander around aimlessly, though: It’s called life. In a video game, I want set objectives and I want to get them done. If I wanted to wander around aimlessly for hours I’d go to Home Depot.

And finally, because of their video games, kids these days don’t value life anymore. They have their home consoles with Grand Theft Auto, and if they die they just wake up at the hospital and get back to things like nothing happened. But back in my day, we knew the value of life: Three lives for a quarter. That’s right: Lives used to cost money. And that made them precious. Kids these days don’t appreciate that.

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This Weekend’s Rally Caused Much Fear and Concern for Predominantly White Liberals

So Glenn Beck held a rally in DC over the weekend, and… Well, I don’t really know what the point of it was. I guess I’m not a rally person. But man, did liberals freak out about it. That’s a lot of people who showed up because they don’t like the way the liberals are running things. But don’t worry: The liberals’ hive mind came up with a way to try and dismiss the whole thing: It was predominantly white.

Isn’t it just a little creepy that predominantly white journalists are as racially obsessed as the KKK? And what if they applied this race obsession to everything else?

“Today, the predominantly white White House Press Corps asked questions about the president’s predominantly white cabinet. The predominantly white Robert Gibbs assured them that they were working towards the best interests of the predominantly white United States of America, but he had to cut questions short as he was going on vacation with his predominantly white family. Now, stay tuned for the Emmy-winning, predominantly white Modern Family. Predominantly white people love it!”

Anyway, predominantly white liberals can find all the reasons they want to dismiss people’s concerns about this country, but it will be a bunch of predominantly white Democrats who will be getting dismissed in November.

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Random Thoughts

So when is someone finally going to shut down the terrorist factory called Talking Points Memo before it produces more violence?

I hope Obama will consider November 2nd a teachable moment.

I’d be more excited for Election Day if I weren’t so sick of politics. I’m willing to give anarchy a try. ANRACHY!

Whoops; misspelled “ANARCHY!” But proper spelling doesn’t matter in anarchy.

I should just start claiming English is my 2nd language so people cut me more slack.

Hmm… what should I claim as my first language? I know a little Latin…

You don’t have your priorities straight if Glenn Beck makes your top 1000 list of “Things to Worry About”.

I don’t want to stir things up with controversial opinions, but I think that Levi Johnston character might be a bit of a creep.

Glenn Beck is hijacking the civil rights movement. Civil rights will now involved 60% more crying.

Glenn Beck is hijacking the civil rights movement. New civil right: Access to chalk boards.

Glenn Beck is hijacking the civil rights movement. This is almost as bad as the time he stole that brick wall from RedEye.

Tricksey Wasn’t planning to buy a game yet, but you get $20 video game credit for preorder
. Now I’m buying two games!

Looks like I have a choice today of making fun of Glenn Beck or those sneering at Glenn Beck. Hmm, can I make fun of both…

I guess I could not make fun of anyone and promote peace and understanding, but boy does that sound boring.

I just don’t get the Glenn Beck fear. “Oh no! Bozo the Clown is going to start a violent coup!”

Does the opening theme to Dexter make anyone else think of the Secret of Monkey Island?

The gathering of white people in DC sure seemed to scare a lot of white people.

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IMAO Podcast Reruns (8-15-05)

IMAO Podcast Reruns (8-15-05)

Episode 12, from 8-15-05 is now available.

NOTE: Each podcast is self-contained, so you won’t be lost if you haven’t listened to them all, or in order. Jump in anytime.

Production Note: Due to an error in editing down my Fun Facts material, former producer Scott cut out the line that I used as a callback during my epilogue. Here it is for reference:

“Idaho law forbids children from deliberately stepping on ants. The kids don’t mind too much, however, since pistol-whipping them is still legal.”

* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 1)
* Introduction & sponsors
* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 2)
* “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Aquaman
* Harvey: Fun Facts about Idaho Part 1
* Spacemonkey: My Superpower
* Harvey: Fun Facts about Idaho Part 2
* Right Wing Duck: My Superpower
* “Ask Ducky” with guest host Spacemonkey
* Laurence Simon: My Superpower
* SarahK: She Blonded Me With Science
* Harvey: My Superpower
* Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The Tortoise and the Hare
* Frank J: My Superpower
* Buck the Marine: Batman
* Spacemonkey: American Monkey
* SarahK: My Superpower
* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 3)
* SarahK reviews Toby Keith’s Big Throwdown Tour #2
* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 4)
* Frank: Conclusion

DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.

Enjoy the show.

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Trying not to be bitter about the loss to Hawaii

My local Little League baseball team was knocked out of the Little League World Series yesterday. The West team, from Waipahu, Hawaii, beat the Southeast team, from Columbus, Georgia.

Ever since Barack Obama was thrust onto the national scene, the Hawaii has been tainted by association. However, Barack Obama doesn’t have any connection with Hawaii Little League. None whatsoever.

I mean, you’ve seen him try to throw a baseball, right?

Plus, Little League requires a birth certificate.

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Liberals’ Biggest Problem

If I had to name one thing that was liberals biggest problem election-wise, it’s their inability to listen. That wasn’t a big a problem when they were out of power and the opposition, but it’s destroying them now. Liberals like to think the right is crazy and angry, but the right actually does understand the liberals viewpoint. And rejects it. The left, though, doesn’t understand the right; they’re too busy screaming “bigot” and “racist” to even understand what the right is objecting to. While in power, they’ve ignored everyone’s concerns — even deriding those concerns they don’t even understand — and that’s just suicide in a democracy. Now the American people are done listening to the left; I’d say at least 60% of American stop paying attention to the left as soon as they make accusations of racism and bigotry — and that number is only rising. Just look at all the big issues lately: The more the left shouts, the more people turn against them. It’s not so much the Tea Party is so popular as it’s baiting liberals into being even more unpleasant and unlikeable.

That’s the nice thing about the system we have; no matter how much some people scream or cry, they don’t get to ignore election results.

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Name That UAV

Iran has their own armed aerial drone. According to experts, it sucks, but at least they seem to be making advancements in naming them as [Google “Iran President”; cut and paste name here] called the drone the “ambassador of death.” So what would you name your UAV? Here are some of my ideas:

The Diplomat of Destruction
The Monarch of Murder
The Archduke of Annihilation
The Emperor of Explosions
The Prime Minister of Pain
The Senator of Slaying
The Comptroller of Killing
The Member of the House of Lords of Making People Not Alive Anymore
Mr. Explodey

So what would you call your armed aerial drone?

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Right-Wing Viole– Oh, Never Mind

New York cabdriver is stabbed for being Muslim!

The stabber works for a liberal peace group that supports the construction of the mosque (the cabdriver is against construction of the mosque).

Congressman muses about Nancy Pelosi dying!

The Congressman is a Democrat.

Democrat Russ Carnahan’s campaign office was firebombed!

Prime suspect is one of Carnahan’s staffers who had blogged for the left-wing site Talking Points Memo.

Man goes into mosque in New York shouting anti-Muslim slurs and urinates on prayer rugs!

Man was so drunk he didn’t know where he was. Early reports of anti-Muslim slurs were false. Not being pursued as hate crime.

You almost have to feel for the liberals at this point. They keep getting so close to that example of right-wing violence and hate that they’re salivating over, and then Lucy keeps pulling away the football. It’s like liberals have gotten so annoying, they’ve actually annoyed God, and now He is toying with them.

It was hoped liberals would calm down a bit after Obama was elected, but they only got even more hysterical and paranoid. Maybe then they’ll calm down a bit if there’s a huge Republican wave in November. All this power the liberals currently have to bitterly cling to is making them cranky.

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Random Thoughts

Things sucked in 2008. And all the GOP has to do is return us to that condition and they’ll look like heroes.

Know what would be a great anti-Barbara Boxer shirt? Those from Al Bundy’s “No Ma’am” club.

Smart idea would be for Democrats to give up now and save all that money they would have spent on campaigning for 2012.

Confession: I’ve never completely understood who 50 cent is. Rapper of some sort, I’m assuming.

Pictures like this always makes me laugh. “Dude, stop waving at me and RUN!”

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Maybe Cleveland has a good idea after all

You may recall a week or so ago when word came out that Cleveland was putting high-tech trash cans out that would rat out people who don’t recycle.

The trash cans have chips inside that can tell when you take the recycle can to the curb … and when you don’t. And that’s the key. When you don’t … and if it thinks you’ve gone too long without taking out recyclables, it will contact the city and tell them. Then they send a trash cop out to look around in your trash.

I don’t think I like the idea. Because, well, what has Cleveland ever done that was a good idea? No, really. Okay, they signed Jim Brown to play football, but that was 53 years ago. And he quit playing football after nine years. Even a bad-ass like Jim Brown couldn’t stomach Cleveland for too long.

Smart trash cans isn’t along the line as sign-Jim-Brown-to-play-football smart. It’s stupid. The trash cans are smart, but the whole idea is stupid.

Really, do you want your trash can calling and telling on you? I bet even Oscar the Grouch wouldn’t want a tattle-tell trash can.

But, maybe, just maybe, we can use that technology for something good instead of narcing on you about recycling.

For instance, we could put those chips in Obama’s golf clubs. Then, if he goes too long without taking the clubs to a golf course, then me might be in Washington trying to screw up the country some more. It could call someone who would send him a free pass to a golf course. As long as Obama is hitting the links, he’s not hitting the economy in the nuts.

There could be chips placed on Democrat Congressmen. When too many get together at one time, you know they’re planning something bad. So, it would call Fox News or Andrew Breitbart and they’d show up with a camera, scaring the Democrat Congressmen back into their little holes in the ground.

They could put one on Rosie O’Donnell. That way, whenever she showed up somewhere, it could call anyone in the area so they could run away.

One on Al Gore could call the police whenever he got near a masseuse.

One on Barney Frank could call the police whenever he went out in public.

One on Roman Polanski could call all the parents of teenage girls so they could hide their daughters.

One on Ron Paul could call everybody whenever he went somewhere. His supporters would all show up, and the rest of us could go somewhere else, confident that we’d be free of them for a few minutes.

So, maybe we could take the technology Cleveland is using to play trash police and put it to some good use.

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