Wow. The president’s a dork.
All the serious problems in the world, and we got Pee-wee Herman as our leader. I’ve seen sparkly vampires with a more intimidating presences. Meanwhile, Vladamir Putin is shooting whales with a crossbow. That sounds dangerous, but you don’t see him with a “I’m a dork!” helmet.
Our enemies just aren’t going to take Obama seriously unless we find some way to butch him up somehow. Here are some ideas:
* Make him part cyborg, like Cheney.
* Make him look more muscular by giving him fake muscles molded from Michelle Obama’s arms.
* Get him fool pitying lessons from Mr. T (but make sure it doesn’t devolve into self-pity).
* If he needs an anecdote things getting more expensive, instead of talking about the price of organic arugula at Whole Foods, have him mention the rising costs of chainsaws at Home Depot or talk about how expensive ammo is getting.
* Do something about those ears; he looks like Mickey Mouse.
* When he’s angry, make sure he doesn’t use the phrase “Wee wee’d up.” Actually, try in general to keep him from talking like a three-year-old.
* Have him constantly inhale sulfur hexafluoride gas so he’ll have a deep, intimidating voice.
* You can’t keep people from comparing him to Spock, but you can at least stop giving him a bowl cut and take away his toy tricorder.
* Instead of a dorky bike helmet, how about one of those WWI helmets with the spike on top. And instead of a Schwinn, how about a Harley. And instead of Obama, how about an actor stand in like Samuel L. Jackson.
* Cowboy hat. Patch eye. Six-shooter. Peg leg. Yeah, that’s it: Cowboy pirate.
What are your ideas to make Obama less dorky?