Who’s Simple-Minded?

Apparently Japan has a Democratic Party (which makes sense since the country has been like in a recession for twenty years), and for some reasons he gave some speech in which he called American “simple-minded.” Okay, where do other countries get this idea that they’re smart and America is stupid? If other countries are full of smart people, then how come they suck so much? Isn’t that a definitive measure of how smart you are: Your country’s awesomeness? And America continues to be way more powerful, richer, and influential than any other country out there.

It’s like a squirrel saying, “Americans are so stupid; they can’t even scamper up trees.” But what we can do is capture the squirrel in little cages, put them in homemade PVC pipe bazookas, and fire them through the air showing once and for all who sucks and who is awesome. And since Japan doesn’t really have much of an army, we can pretty much do the same to them.

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Why the Republicans Will Do Well in November: Guaranteed Results

I think a reason Republicans are going to do really well in November is that while when Obama was elected people had a hope of him making things better, people absolutely know for certain that Republicans will make things better.

Look at this way: In 2008, America was feeling really sick and crummy. And then comes along Dr. Obama who said, “I can make you all feel better!” And everyone was really hopeful that was true — despite a few suspicions since Dr. Obama didn’t have any diplomas hanging on the wall. So America hired Obama… who then started to hit us repeatedly in the crotch. And we were all like, “Ow! Stop that! Stop that now!” And Dr. Obama said, “Shut up, stupid! I don’t have to listen to you!” And then Dr. Obama’s Democrat congress assistants held us down so he can punch us even easier.

So now it’s 2010 and people are looking to Dr. GOP. And given Dr. GOP’s record, they’re not very hopeful he’ll actually be able to cure what originally was ailing America. But there is one thing America knows for certain: The GOP will be able to get Obama to stop hitting us repeatedly in the crotch, making us all feel a ton better. And guaranteed results like that is a powerful thing.

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Treating Our Congressmen More Like They Deserve

In my new Pajamas Media column, I describe the problems in our representative government and my solution to better keep Congress in its place. How do you think we can best let Congress know how their rank in society?

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Random Thoughts

If you’ve heard news of me heading over to devastate Mexico, that’s a different Frank.

This defeat of Murkowski is disturbing. Is the GOP really going to become a party that no longer welcomes Republicans that suck?

I have a mind that is as brilliant as it is rubbery.

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lolbama! Part 47

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

From me (Harvey):

From me (Harvey):

From me (Harvey) :

[reference link]

From Peregrine John:

From Travelwise42:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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A Tale of Two Leaders

It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief,
it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair,

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way — in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evel, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

There was a president with a crossbow, and a president who liked to bow.

Vladimir Putin, prime minister and former president of Russia, shot a whale with a crossbow today.

Compare that to the president of the United States, who bows to other leaders.

Remember when the United States used to have a president who … was a man?

I miss those days.

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The Incredible Shrinking Moon

Scientists say the moon is shrinking. I don’t know what to think about that. It could be making itself smaller to throw off any tactical nuclear strike, but it could be even more sinister than that. Maybe it testing out new Ant-Man type powers, and then one day we’ll look up and be like, “Where’d the moon go?” Ends up, it shrunk down to the size of a golf ball. Then it will wait until the time is right to sneak up behind us and suddenly go back to normal size. Then we’ll turn around and be like, “Aieee! The moon!” And we’ll all shoot it, but it will be no use. And then we’ll throw our empty guns at it in frustration, but that probably won’t help either.

We’re going to need smarter moon defenses, people. And by smarter, I mean giant robots.

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Are We in a Depression?

The economy is pretty bad right now, and then we also have Obama stealing all our money to use on who knows what — giving cocaine to monkeys and things like that. If you think of the economy as a car — and who doesn’t — it’s like Obama got the car out of the ditch, put the gear in ‘D’, loaded it up with explosives, and crashed it into the mall while laughing insanely like the Joker.

Anyway, the point is I’m wondering if we now could actually be in a depression thanks to Obama suicide mission against our well-being and not just in a recession. Well, I looked it up and here are the signs the economy could be in a depression:


* Economy can’t sleep or sleeps too much

* Economy can’t concentrate or finds that previously easy tasks are now difficult

* Economy feels hopeless and helpless

* Economy can’t control its negative thoughts, no matter how much it tries

* Economy has lost its appetite or can’t stop eating

* Economy is much more irritable and short-tempered than usual

* Economy has thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediately if this is the case)

Hurm. Seeming a lot like we’re in a depression when you look at it that way. We may need to get the economy therapy and appropriate medication. We should also get it away from negative influences — like certain U.S. president who will go unnamed.

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Blue-State Republicans

It’s looking like a major upset in the Alaska GOP primary for Senate, as the Sarah Palin and Tea Party backed candidate Joe Miller is currently ahead of the establishment backed incumbent Lisa Murkowski. I think the lesson don’t have blue-state Republicans in a red state — especially not this year.

We really need to go over the proper application of “moderate” Republicans with the RNC. There are certain states where pretty much everyone sucks and it’s a great accomplishment to get a RINO elected there who will actually vote the GOP some of time. They may suck, but the state sucks so they go together and at least we have a token ‘R’. That’s pretty much always worth it, though really I don’t even want our party name associated with that little nanny dictator running New York City. If it’s not a blue state, then don’t get some whiny little squish because I don’t see the advantage of having the base constantly infuriated at the GOP.

Oh, and if you do have to get a blue state Republican, at least get one who has something they’re really conservative at. New Jersey is a lead-paint guzzling blue state, but Chris Christie doesn’t seem like a RINO because he loves cutting the budget so much. And Giuliani never seemed that bad because he loved beating criminals and terrorist to death with a tire iron.

Oh, and one last thing, I want someone to apologize to me for Hagel. I don’t know who, but someone. And it should be in writing.

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Random Thoughts

My guess on McCain speech to conservatives as soon as he wins primary: “Now yer gonna squeal like a pig!”

Americans are deciding to stop listening to people who won’t listen to them.

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Ask a Congressman

You ever want to ask a Congressman a question? If you’re like lots of people, you don’t ever get a chance.

Well, I’m not offering you the chance to ask your Congressman a question, but you can a Congressman a question.

Rep. Mike Rogers, a Republican from the 3rd District of Alabama, will be about three miles from where I work in Columbus next Monday.

He’s not the Congressman that represents Columbus. For one thing, Columbus is in Georgia. And, Columbus is split between Georgia’s 2nd and 3rd districts. (A Republican represents the 3rd district, but I don’t know why I never hear about any town hall meetings he holds. A Democrat represents the 2nd district, and that’s why exactly he doesn’t hold any town hall meetings. That and people like me asking for questions.)

So, sorry, there’s no chance to ask questions to a Democrat Congressman. But, there’s a Republican Congressman that will answer questions. So, I’m going to be at Congressman Rogers’ meeting next Monday. And I’ll ask my questions. And your questions.

If you want to ask a question of Congressman Rogers, leave it in the comments here.

If you want to submit a questions without leaving it here, email it to me at this address.

Oh, and serious questions are welcome, too.

(UPDATE: We’re accepting questions until Saturday, August 28, 2010)

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She Finally Believes Me!

SarahK looks at a list of signs your husband might be gay and appraises me based on it. She concludes I’m straight. Woo!

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The End of Helium

I don’t want to alarm you, but we’re running out of helium.

Whoa! Calm down people. Let’s think about this rationally.

I always wondered where we got helium from. Since it’s a noble gas, it doesn’t combine with anything and only exists in its pure form. So I guess there are helium deposits underground, and people just dig until someone announces in a high-pitch voice, “We struck helium!” And apparently we have a couple helium deposits and that’s it, as we can’t make more. I mean, the sun is constantly making it, but we’re not really at that level. We just have to wait for other elements to decay into helium, and that’s a lot of waiting.

So, it’s a non-renewable resource and we put it in kids’ balloons. Scientists are saying we should stop doing that, but I don’t know what else we can put in the balloons. Hydrogen seems dangerous. Also, scientists say we should have a recycling program for it. I guess everyone would get like a helium bin (maybe in place of the newspaper bin since that’s kinda outdated), but I’m not sure how’d you’d get it in there and make sure it stays there.

So anyway, enjoy your lighter than air balloon, for it be a fleeting thing. In the dystopic future, a red balloon filled with helium will be worth more than its weight in gold… except it has a negative weight, so I’d guess you’d have to pay other people to take it. Wow, helium is confusing.

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The Money/Education Hole

So they made a $578 million school in LA. We have this recession and it’s hit California even harder, and those jokers can’t even get their state budget together, so they make a school that costs more than half a billion to teach 4,200 kids (about $138,000 per kid). Was that why dropout rates were so high? A lack of insanely expensive buildings?

I’m starting to think that California politicians aren’t responsible enough to be trusted with any sum of money. This isn’t just wasteful spending, this is a cry for help. What’s a school supposed to be? It’s a bunch of walls to keep wind from blowing the kids papers form their desk and a ceiling to keep them from getting rained. How do you even get to $578 million with that? Does the school transform into a giant robot? Was it built on the moon? The officials responsible are saying that kids will learn better in a more creative environment, but haven’t the people in charge of education in California already demonstrated that they have no idea what it takes to get children to learn?

This is why SarahK and I are going to home school. We’re just opting out of this madness. People with absolutely no sense about them and come up with a school that costs more than half a billion are not people you want having any influence over your kids. Public school has basically gone in one direction for years now: Dumber and more expensive.

Hey, there’s a great 2012 slogan for Obama.

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Moderate Muslims

People throw around the label “moderate Muslim” a lot without having much of a solid definition for it. I think some people basically label any Muslim not actively trying to kill people a “moderate”, but it’s okay to have a little higher standards than that.

For instance, we keep being told that the imam behind the Ground Zero mosque is a moderate, but he won’t denounce Hamas and now there is a new tape out of him saying, “The United States has more Muslim blood on its hands than al-Qaeda has on its hands of innocent non-Muslims.” If making excuses for terrorists is moderate, then I don’t want radical or moderate Islam having mosques anywhere in America. The “is definitively against terrorism and murder, no buts about it” Islam is peachy, but not any other kind.

We worked really hard on this country, and we have religious freedom here. We also have freedom of speech and it is our duty to use that when bad things are happening. While any religion is free to come here, that doesn’t mean we can’t have basic standards on those religions such as being unequivocally against murder. Any that aren’t should be chased from polite society. Of course, the left it too busy feeing morally superior and pointlessly lecturing to ask basic questions, but when was the last time we needed them to get anything useful done?

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