Archive for August, 2010

A Tale of Two Leaders

Wednesday, August 25, 2010 7:31 pm
It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief,
it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair,

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way — in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evel, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

There was a president with a crossbow, and a president who liked to bow.

Vladimir Putin, prime minister and former president of Russia, shot a whale with a crossbow today.

Compare that to the president of the United States, who bows to other leaders.

Remember when the United States used to have a president who … was a man?

I miss those days.

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The Incredible Shrinking Moon

Wednesday, August 25, 2010 3:05 pm

Scientists say the moon is shrinking. I don’t know what to think about that. It could be making itself smaller to throw off any tactical nuclear strike, but it could be even more sinister than that. Maybe it testing out new Ant-Man type powers, and then one day we’ll look up and be like, “Where’d the moon go?” Ends up, it shrunk down to the size of a golf ball. Then it will wait until the time is right to sneak up behind us and suddenly go back to normal size. Then we’ll turn around and be like, “Aieee! The moon!” And we’ll all shoot it, but it will be no use. And then we’ll throw our empty guns at it in frustration, but that probably won’t help either.

We’re going to need smarter moon defenses, people. And by smarter, I mean giant robots.

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Are We in a Depression?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010 1:01 pm

The economy is pretty bad right now, and then we also have Obama stealing all our money to use on who knows what — giving cocaine to monkeys and things like that. If you think of the economy as a car — and who doesn’t — it’s like Obama got the car out of the ditch, put the gear in ‘D’, loaded it up with explosives, and crashed it into the mall while laughing insanely like the Joker.

Anyway, the point is I’m wondering if we now could actually be in a depression thanks to Obama suicide mission against our well-being and not just in a recession. Well, I looked it up and here are the signs the economy could be in a depression:


* Economy can’t sleep or sleeps too much

* Economy can’t concentrate or finds that previously easy tasks are now difficult

* Economy feels hopeless and helpless

* Economy can’t control its negative thoughts, no matter how much it tries

* Economy has lost its appetite or can’t stop eating

* Economy is much more irritable and short-tempered than usual

* Economy has thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediately if this is the case)

Hurm. Seeming a lot like we’re in a depression when you look at it that way. We may need to get the economy therapy and appropriate medication. We should also get it away from negative influences — like certain U.S. president who will go unnamed.

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Blue-State Republicans

Wednesday, August 25, 2010 11:02 am

It’s looking like a major upset in the Alaska GOP primary for Senate, as the Sarah Palin and Tea Party backed candidate Joe Miller is currently ahead of the establishment backed incumbent Lisa Murkowski. I think the lesson don’t have blue-state Republicans in a red state — especially not this year.

We really need to go over the proper application of “moderate” Republicans with the RNC. There are certain states where pretty much everyone sucks and it’s a great accomplishment to get a RINO elected there who will actually vote the GOP some of time. They may suck, but the state sucks so they go together and at least we have a token ‘R’. That’s pretty much always worth it, though really I don’t even want our party name associated with that little nanny dictator running New York City. If it’s not a blue state, then don’t get some whiny little squish because I don’t see the advantage of having the base constantly infuriated at the GOP.

Oh, and if you do have to get a blue state Republican, at least get one who has something they’re really conservative at. New Jersey is a lead-paint guzzling blue state, but Chris Christie doesn’t seem like a RINO because he loves cutting the budget so much. And Giuliani never seemed that bad because he loved beating criminals and terrorist to death with a tire iron.

Oh, and one last thing, I want someone to apologize to me for Hagel. I don’t know who, but someone. And it should be in writing.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, August 25, 2010 9:03 am

My guess on McCain speech to conservatives as soon as he wins primary: “Now yer gonna squeal like a pig!”

Americans are deciding to stop listening to people who won’t listen to them.

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Ask a Congressman

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 9:00 pm

You ever want to ask a Congressman a question? If you’re like lots of people, you don’t ever get a chance.

Well, I’m not offering you the chance to ask your Congressman a question, but you can a Congressman a question.

Rep. Mike Rogers, a Republican from the 3rd District of Alabama, will be about three miles from where I work in Columbus next Monday.

He’s not the Congressman that represents Columbus. For one thing, Columbus is in Georgia. And, Columbus is split between Georgia’s 2nd and 3rd districts. (A Republican represents the 3rd district, but I don’t know why I never hear about any town hall meetings he holds. A Democrat represents the 2nd district, and that’s why exactly he doesn’t hold any town hall meetings. That and people like me asking for questions.)

So, sorry, there’s no chance to ask questions to a Democrat Congressman. But, there’s a Republican Congressman that will answer questions. So, I’m going to be at Congressman Rogers’ meeting next Monday. And I’ll ask my questions. And your questions.

If you want to ask a question of Congressman Rogers, leave it in the comments here.

If you want to submit a questions without leaving it here, email it to me at this address.

Oh, and serious questions are welcome, too.

(UPDATE: We’re accepting questions until Saturday, August 28, 2010)

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She Finally Believes Me!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 7:43 pm

SarahK looks at a list of signs your husband might be gay and appraises me based on it. She concludes I’m straight. Woo!

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The End of Helium

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 3:01 pm

I don’t want to alarm you, but we’re running out of helium.

Whoa! Calm down people. Let’s think about this rationally.

I always wondered where we got helium from. Since it’s a noble gas, it doesn’t combine with anything and only exists in its pure form. So I guess there are helium deposits underground, and people just dig until someone announces in a high-pitch voice, “We struck helium!” And apparently we have a couple helium deposits and that’s it, as we can’t make more. I mean, the sun is constantly making it, but we’re not really at that level. We just have to wait for other elements to decay into helium, and that’s a lot of waiting.

So, it’s a non-renewable resource and we put it in kids’ balloons. Scientists are saying we should stop doing that, but I don’t know what else we can put in the balloons. Hydrogen seems dangerous. Also, scientists say we should have a recycling program for it. I guess everyone would get like a helium bin (maybe in place of the newspaper bin since that’s kinda outdated), but I’m not sure how’d you’d get it in there and make sure it stays there.

So anyway, enjoy your lighter than air balloon, for it be a fleeting thing. In the dystopic future, a red balloon filled with helium will be worth more than its weight in gold… except it has a negative weight, so I’d guess you’d have to pay other people to take it. Wow, helium is confusing.

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The Money/Education Hole

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 1:02 pm

So they made a $578 million school in LA. We have this recession and it’s hit California even harder, and those jokers can’t even get their state budget together, so they make a school that costs more than half a billion to teach 4,200 kids (about $138,000 per kid). Was that why dropout rates were so high? A lack of insanely expensive buildings?

I’m starting to think that California politicians aren’t responsible enough to be trusted with any sum of money. This isn’t just wasteful spending, this is a cry for help. What’s a school supposed to be? It’s a bunch of walls to keep wind from blowing the kids papers form their desk and a ceiling to keep them from getting rained. How do you even get to $578 million with that? Does the school transform into a giant robot? Was it built on the moon? The officials responsible are saying that kids will learn better in a more creative environment, but haven’t the people in charge of education in California already demonstrated that they have no idea what it takes to get children to learn?

This is why SarahK and I are going to home school. We’re just opting out of this madness. People with absolutely no sense about them and come up with a school that costs more than half a billion are not people you want having any influence over your kids. Public school has basically gone in one direction for years now: Dumber and more expensive.

Hey, there’s a great 2012 slogan for Obama.

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Moderate Muslims

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 11:02 am

People throw around the label “moderate Muslim” a lot without having much of a solid definition for it. I think some people basically label any Muslim not actively trying to kill people a “moderate”, but it’s okay to have a little higher standards than that.

For instance, we keep being told that the imam behind the Ground Zero mosque is a moderate, but he won’t denounce Hamas and now there is a new tape out of him saying, “The United States has more Muslim blood on its hands than al-Qaeda has on its hands of innocent non-Muslims.” If making excuses for terrorists is moderate, then I don’t want radical or moderate Islam having mosques anywhere in America. The “is definitively against terrorism and murder, no buts about it” Islam is peachy, but not any other kind.

We worked really hard on this country, and we have religious freedom here. We also have freedom of speech and it is our duty to use that when bad things are happening. While any religion is free to come here, that doesn’t mean we can’t have basic standards on those religions such as being unequivocally against murder. Any that aren’t should be chased from polite society. Of course, the left it too busy feeing morally superior and pointlessly lecturing to ask basic questions, but when was the last time we needed them to get anything useful done?

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 8:57 am

The left are saying the Ground Zero mosque is a freedom of religion issue. And now they’re saying it’s not a mosque. I am confused!

If some politicians wants to secretly give me cash, that’s cool… though I can’t promise to be more hacky than I already am.

I ate an egg today. Am I going to die?

Obama’s too competent at destroying America to be a Muslim terrorist.

My top has been spinning for ten minutes now. How long do I have to wait until I can tell if I’m dreaming or not? I mean, I don’t want to shoot myself in the head to wake up and then find it was just a really good spin.

The best way to show the superiority of your religion would be to build a religious building on the moon.

KID: “I don’t want to go to church. It’s boring.”
ME: “But what if it were MOON church?”
KID: “Awesome!”

If you’re a Muslim and the call for prayer comes while you’re on a merry-go-round, prepare to get dizzy.

I’m an unlicensed blogger who doesn’t play by the rules.

If you spend $580 million on a school, it should be able to transform into a giant robot.

Even if you could fit a porcupine in your mouth, you probably shouldn’t.

No matter how much he begs, no matter how much he cries, never feed a Mogwai pudding unless he’s first ate his meat.

I think you’ll find the machine responds much better to calm understand than rage.

In programming, when I do a major change to code and it works the very first time, that always creeps me out.

I always thought it odd when Wright was first asked about Obama he said, “You mean that Muslim guy who shows up once every other month?”

Do kids these days even know who Q*bert is? That potty-mouthed imp sure liked jumping up and down a blocky pyramid.

So how much of America now doesn’t automatically tune out the left when they start screaming “racist” and “bigot”?

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My new favorite game

Monday, August 23, 2010 11:10 pm

I know I’m a little behind the curve, but I recently got one of those new touch devices. I got an iPad. Lots of people have had an iPhone or an iPod Touch, but this is my first device of this type. And I like it. And, I’m discovering all the different apps that are available.

Like Angry Birds.

Like I said, I’m way behind the curve on this, and I know it. But it’s a fun game.

In fact, the only game I can think of that could be more fun is one based on Angry Birds.

Here’s the premise: You and others like you are angry because a bunch of horrible creatures have taken your stuff. So, you and the others go to get your stuff back, removing the horrible creatures in the process.

Sounds a lot like Angry Birds, doesn’t it?

Only this game, anyone can play. You don’t need an iPhone, an iPod Touch, an iPad, a BlackBerry, a Droid, or anything like that.

All you need is a ballot. The game is available November 2.

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Public Service Announcement

Monday, August 23, 2010 3:01 pm

Apparently, there are some contaminated eggs out there, so if you eat a lot of eggs and feel bad, maybe don’t eat quite so many eggs. And whatever you do, don’t crack a bunch of raw eggs into a glass and then drink it like Rocky did. You could like die from that and then never get to tell Adrian how much you yo her. If you want some egg drink, put hardboiled eggs in a blender with a little milk. Not as impressive for a training montage, but much safer. Also, while this warning is ongoing, if you’re a stand up comedian try to be funnier so people won’t throw eggs at you. Again, this isn’t a problem if they use hardboiled eggs, though those hurt much more. Finally, if you have a problem with chickens living in your walls and coming out at night and laying eggs everywhere, it’s probably finally a good time to call that exterminator and have him spray for chickens.

Keep safe, everyone, and remember: Eggs desire nothing more than to see you die horribly.

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Getting Along with the Taliban

Monday, August 23, 2010 1:02 pm

John Kerry let it slip that we’re trying to reach a settlement with the Taliban. I thought the agreement we were going to reach with the Taliban, though, was that they’d all be dead. Everyone gets along great with dead Taliban. They never harbor terrorists, don’t oppress anybody, and are nice and quiet. Plus they have lots of uses:

* Scarecrows
* Crash-test dummy
* Paper weights
* Seat-filler for awards shows
* 2nd person for carpool lanes
* Thing to shove into oil well to try and stop a leak
* Doorstop
* Chicago voter

And when you’re done with them, they go six feet underground for convenient storage.

See, everyone loves dead Taliban! With all the uses, I don’t even know why we kept them alive in the first place. Maybe people are afraid that if we kill them all, they’ll come back as zombies. That’s a silly fear; I believe we have more to worry about with vampires in that region.

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The Ground Zero Teachable Moment

Monday, August 23, 2010 11:04 am

I think this whole Ground Zero mosque (which isn’t at ground zero and isn’t a mosque except that it is) taught us that some imams still need lessons in cultural sensitivity. They have all of America to build a mosque, yet somehow they pick the one place that it’s going to be a problem. And when everyone is like, “Why don’t you just move it a couple blocks?” the imam starts screaming and crying and throwing a tantrum. And liberals never like being left out of a tantrum, so they come in and start doing self-righteous lectures which is like the adult version of a tantrum. And now we have all these dumb, screaming children on our hands.

Anyway, with tantrums, we have to stand firm and say, “No!” That’s the only way imams and liberals will learn. Maybe we can put them in the corner for a timeout; I guess that would be Maine.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, August 23, 2010 9:03 am

Grayson really is what would happen if you grabbed a random internet troll and made him a Congressman.

Slogan for Grayson’s Opponent: “Punch Alan Grayson in his big, stupid, fat face in November. Also, vote against him.”

It’s not a mosque, and it’s not at ground zero. And it’s not even in New York. And I don’t even think there is a faith called “Islam.”

Why do people think Obama is a Muslim? We all know very well he’s from whatever religion it is that thinks the CIA invented AIDS.

The Andy Levy hosted RedEye with ombudswoman S.E. Cupp was awesome. I hope they never rescue Greg Gutfeld from that well.

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IMAO Podcast Reruns (8-8-05)

Sunday, August 22, 2010 8:40 pm

Episode 11, from 8-8-05 is now available.

NOTE: Each podcast is self-contained, so you won’t be lost if you haven’t listened to them all, or in order. Jump in anytime.

* IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 1)
* Introduction & sponsors
* IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 2)
* Spacemonkey’s Alternative Fuel
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Hawaii Part 1
* Frank J’s Alternative Fuel
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Hawaii Part 2
* Sarah K’s Alternative Fuel
* Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: Jack and the Beanstalk
* IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 3)
* Harvey’s Alternative Fuel
* W vs. Canada’s oil
* Buck the Marine reviews “Ghost Recon 2: Summit Strike”
* SarahK: She Blonded Me with Science
* Ask Ducky with Right Wing Duck
* IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 4)
* Frank: Conclusion

DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.

Enjoy the show.

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Microsoft hates America!

Friday, August 20, 2010 7:16 pm

The other day, I ran into a situation with a date field on a Website. Someone who I was telling about the issue (it involved ColdFusion and a valid time value) was inspired to research valid date-time fields in databases. And, as it turns out, Microsoft SQL Server has date limitations.

For instance, you can’t store a date prior to January 1, 1753 in a Microsoft SQL database.
You may ask, why would I want to store a date prior to January 1, 1753 in a database? Well, if your database is on American history, or about great Americans, then you just might need that.

George Washington’s birthday was February 22, 1732 (or, February 11, 1731 O.S.) — which means you can’t store George Washington’s birthday in a Microsoft database!

The Father of our Country! First in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen! Our nation’s first president under the Constitution! Microsoft won’t let you store his birthday in their databases? That’s outrageous!

Why does Microsoft hate America?

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Run Away!

Friday, August 20, 2010 3:02 pm

Official memo out to Democrats on Obamacare: Run Away!

You know that super awesome health care bill they they forced on us and told us we’d love it? They’ll now promise to improve it so it doesn’t suck so much. And also they’re going to stop claiming it will reduce the deficit because no one, not a single person, was dumb enough to believe that. In fact, as soon as any Democrat claimed it would reduce the deficit, no one would believe anything else coming out of that guy’s lying, fat face.

Not in my wildest dreams, did I imagine this level of suckitude from the Democrats. I thought maybe they learned from the Clinton presidency to have some minor level of competence and not complete and utter disdain for Americans, but these are not very smart people. They’re not like my dog who eventually figures things out and behaves; they’re like my cats: incurable sociopaths who claw me and demand things. Probably not who we want in charge of our health care if we all like the not dying.

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Suggested Car Metaphors for Republicans

Friday, August 20, 2010 1:01 pm

Obama sure loves his car metaphor. He keeps going on about how Republicans drove the car into the ditch, and now he’s gotten it out (skyrocketing unemployment is somehow “getting it out of the ditch” in this metaphor), and now you have to choose ‘D’ to go forward and don’t want to choose ‘R’ and go backwards… back to a time, you know, when 6% unemployment was high.

It’s pretty idiotic this is the metaphor Obama is clinging to, but maybe Republicans can expand off of it into some car metaphors of their own.


“Now it’s time to hope it’s a bond car and there is an ejector seat button.”

“We kept telling Obama to pay attention to the road to keep an eye out for jobs, but he was too busy texting about health care.”

“Take the keys away from him! He’s drunk on socialism!”

“So the car is in a ditch and he wants to drive it forward. Do we have any proof this guy even passed the written test before he got behind the wheel? Release his records!”

“The car is stuck in a ditch, and his solution is to give it an oil change.”

“I thought he said he was going to call a tow truck! Why is he at the golf course?

“Wait a second; he’s driving us to Canada! We told him we didn’t want to go there!”

“While that weenie Obama is spinning his wheels in the mud, our plan is to transform the car into an awesome giant robot and have it kill Decepticons.”

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