Archive for September, 2010

The Desert, a parable

Thursday, September 30, 2010 10:58 pm

You’re in the desert.

It’s hot, the sun’s glare on the sand is blinding. When the wind whips up, the sand stings.

You’re in the desert.

You weren’t always in the desert. And you want to find your way out. But for the moment, you’ve accepted that you’re in the desert.

You were thirsty earlier. You still are, but now, you’re also hungry.

Up ahead, you see a figure in the distance. You blink, wipe the sand from your eyes to make sure you are seeing something, and not experiencing a mirage.

It’s real.

You pick up the pace and head towards the figure.

Now, you see that it’s not one figure, but two.

You’re nearer now, clearly making out the two figures. Each is sitting at a table, with an assortment of items in front.

As you approach, each person smiles and rises, beckoning you closer.

You walk up, and with a parched voice, say the only two words you can manage to utter: “Water. Food.”

The person on the right nods, and offers you two items from his table: dry white toast, and a cup of water.

The person on the left offers you a rock.

You look back at the dry white toast and cup of water, then at the rock.

You make your decision, drinking half the cup of water immediately, then devouring the toast, washing it down with the rest of the water.

“I’ve got more of the same,” the person on the right says.

“I got rocks,” the person on the left says.

You continue your trek through the desert, accompanied now by the person on the right with more dry white toast and water, and the person on the left with rocks.

As your thirst and hunger return, you accept the dry white toast and drink the water, ignoring the rocks.

But you keep looking. Somewhere, you know you’ll find someone with better food … and a map out of the desert.

And that is why I will vote for a Republican that I really don’t want. That Republican is still a huckuva lot better than the Democrat, but not what I’m looking for. And, yes, I will keep looking.

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Aliens Are Messing Up Our Nuclear Fun?

Thursday, September 30, 2010 3:05 pm

Some people are claiming that aliens are deactivating our nuclear weapons. Isn’t that exactly the sort of thing that makes people hate aliens? That and the chest bursting.

I have no idea what this will mean for nuking the moon. Maybe they like the moon and won’t want us nuking it. And then what’s next? Them deactivating our fists before they can punch hippies?

I don’t like aliens. If aliens ever make contact with us, we should act like their friends but keep sneezing on them the whole time so maybe they’ll all die like in War of the Worlds. So leave Earth alone; we like nuking stuff and we don’t like aliens.

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The Other Key to This Election

Thursday, September 30, 2010 1:02 pm

I previously said the key to the upcoming election is the sucking, but I’ve been thinking and believe that condescension should be added to the mix too. Democrats have been very condescending and dismissive of the concerns of most Americans, and I think that will play a factor on top of the epic suckage. Then again, it’s the suckage that makes the condescension so bad. I mean, if someone was really good at something and was condescending to you it wouldn’t be anywhere near as bad as when someone has obviously no idea what he’s doing and is still condescending about it.

Anyway, after the election, there will be a lot of pundits with a lot of theories, but they’re all stupid if the focus on anything other than the sucking and the condescension which is amplified by the sucking.

What do you think will be key to the election?

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Our Plan Is Working!

Thursday, September 30, 2010 11:01 am

The interior of America gets redder and the Democrats increasingly are being concentrated on the coasts. Do you know what this means? Maybe eventually we can reach our ultimate goal: Pushing the Democrats into the sea. It will be great, because there is not voting if you are in the sea and you can’t run from political office there so we’ll finally be rid of Democrat influence. They will probably keep yelling stuff at us, though, from the sea like, “Let me out of here!”, “I’m all wet and I blame the rich!”, and “I’m a Democrat; I want free stuff!” which will be annoying. Also, we’ll want to put up signs on all beaches that say, “Caution: Democrats.” And they’ll probably get in the way of commercial fishing. And Aquaman will be really mad at us.

Still, it will make drawing political maps really easy since the sea is already blue.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, September 30, 2010 9:15 am

Alan Grayson is a like a political suicide bomber. Does he not care or is he really so deluded as to think his strategy is effective?

I enjoy informing people when I am required to break them.

The left complain a lot about how Palin resigned as governor, but if Obama resigned he’d be my favorite Democrat ever.

Love the subtle reference to Arrested Development in Running Wilde. Funny show on its own right, too.

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So now he’ll tell Obama to go to Heck?

Thursday, September 30, 2010 6:27 am

Paul LePage is the Republican candidate for governor of Maine. And, he’s been leading in the polls. Most of them, anyway.

He made the news this week by saying he’d tell Barack Obama to “go to hell.”

LePage said, “As your governor, you’re going to be seeing a lot of me on the front page, saying ‘Governor LePage tells Obama to go to hell.'”

But, apparently, that’s a problem. Telling a socialist who is doing everything he can (whether through malevolence or incompetence) to damage the United States, I mean.

I suppose that, ignoring the person in the office and considering the office itself, then, yes, it’s very disrespectful to say that about the president.

But, it certainly would be hard for me to decide who is most disrespectful the office of president:

  • LePage, who would tell the president to “go to hell”
  • Obama, who is the most unqualified, and has now passed Jimmy Carter as the most incompetent, person to hold the office
  • The people that actually voted to elect Barack Obama

I’m torn between the last two. LePage, I suspect, was directing his comments to the person, not the office.

But, LePage screwed up. Not by saying he’d tell Obama to go to hell. I’d do that.

No, LePage has apologized for saying he’d say that.

He told The Associated Press that he regretted the words he chose Sunday but wasn’t backing down from his criticism of the administration for what he described as free-spending, antibusiness policies.

I suppose he’s saying he should have told Obama to go to Heck?

And that’s a little disappointing to me. Because he’s backing down.

If he didn’t mean what he said, then, yes, he should apologize. But, I think he meant it. And he should man up and say “Yes, I meant exactly what I said. Anyone, even the president, that pushes such dangerous and destructive policies, can go to hell.”

But, no, he didn’t say that. He regretted his choice of words.

Which means he can be pushed around. He wouldn’t fall in line with the Democrats like Libby Mitchell, the Democrat nominee for governor. She’s the worse choice of the two.

But, while LePage is the better of the two, he’s not what he could be. And that makes me mad as heck.

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She’ll Swallow Your Soul!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:03 pm

Here’s a photo of Hillary Clinton from her appearance in Paranormal Activity 2:

Eh, still find Obama to be scarier these days.

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What Will Destroy the Universe

Wednesday, September 29, 2010 1:02 pm

Here’s some Science! for you: “Scientists” “predict” that the universe has a 50% chance of ending suddenly sometime in the next 3.7 billion years from some unknown catastrophe. It’s based on physics breaking down if the universe is infinite so time has to end some point… though I have no idea why the time frame — it is science journalism. Still, if an unpredictable calamity is going to destroy the universe, there’s only one thing we can do: Try to predict what it is!

POSSIBLE THINGS THAT MAY DESTROY THE UNIVERSE

* Too many people trying to divide by zero on their calculators.

* Dogs and cats living together.

* Hippies going unpunched.

* The man in black getting off the island.

* People pestering Fred Thompson.

* A truck carrying Mentos colliding with a truck carrying Diet Pepsi.

* The finite variable for storing the universe’s time resets.

* God gets at angry at not enough Korans being burned.

* Marty McFly is unable to reunite his parents.

* It gets eaten by a grue.

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What If Liberals Stopped Mocking the Tea Parties?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010 11:01 am

This blog post by Stanley Fish in the New York Times blog is really close to having a clue. He argues that liberals are only making the Tea Parties stronger by mocking them and the only possible way to defeat them is to accept them as a legitimate viewpoint and argue with them intellectually. The main problem with that idea is isn’t the point of trying to dismiss the Tea Parties as racist, trying to dismiss them as possibly violent, or just mocking them in general is that deep down the left understands that they are on the losing side of the argument and need to do all they can to avoid the argument. The more people learn about Obamacare, the more unpopular it becomes. And as for the attempts at economic stimulus, all we have is much higher unemployment (with an unverifiable claim of millions of invisible jobs created) and tons more debt. What is the left’s intellectual argument right now? “It sure looks like we’re making things way worse, but just trust us that we’re super-smart and help us make the government bigger, more intrusive, and spend even more money!”

Still, this isn’t to say liberals wouldn’t be doing better if they stopped being dismissive and actually listened to other people’s viewpoints and argued with them as equals. But it’s one of those sine qua non things where if a liberal wasn’t dismissive of other viewpoints, would he cease to be a liberal?

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, September 29, 2010 9:10 am

As divisive as the political environmental may seem, it’s not historically bad until politicians start shooting each other.

I’ve had nightmares about being trapped in a confined space with Jimmy Carter vomiting on me.

Weight Loss Tip: Hanging a scowling picture of Michelle Obama on the wall really makes you self-conscious when eating junk food.

Item for bucket list: Slowly walk away while something explodes behind me.

I stared at someone’s head and it exploded. How many more times do I need to do it to be scientifically certain it wasn’t a coincidence?

Ends up Chris Christie hasn’t helped New Jersey; all his budget cuts have been offset by increased spending on bacon.

I really like Chris Christie, but fat jokes are too easy! Help me stop!

Someone asked if I trademarked “punching a hippie”. That would be like trademarking hugging a puppy.

Only way I’ll get excited for a new Star Wars release is if I hear George Lucas has nothing to do with it.

I have the feeling that seeing Jar Jar Binks’s hijinks in 3D will only make me more murderous.

The left is fine with Obama being condescending to Americans at large, but they’re not going to put up with him being condescending to them.

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loldemocratlogo! Part 1

Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:16 pm

This week, your job was to mock the Democrats’ new logo/motto:

A LOT of good entries, and since this is a one-shot, I’d hate to leave a dozen gems on the cutting room floor. I’ll post Part 2 this weekend. I’m saving some of the best ones for then, so don’t miss it.

And next Tuesday, we’ll pick up where we left off with lolbama!

Here’s my first batch of favorites:


From Corona:

From Dan:

From FormerHostage:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Larsinkima:

From NephewSam:

From Paul of Mean Ol’ Meany:

[reference link – NSFW! And you will be scarred forever if you search for the image]

From Proof of Proof Positive (more images at the link):

From The Jinxmedic:

From Travelwise 42 of Wise Up!:


More to follow…

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More of a Bad Thing

Tuesday, September 28, 2010 3:02 pm

President Obama’s solution to failing schools: Longer school year. That’s like saying there’s not a lot of nutritional value in a Twinkie, so we have to eat a lot more of them. And just ask Michelle Obama what she thinks about eating more Twinkies: She’ll say it makes you worse than Hitler.

Having the government decide what your kids are supposed to learn in a free country has always been a square peg shoved in a round hole, but the problem is less the indoctrination than the sheer incompetence. Educating your kids is very important, so it’s the exact sort of thing you don’t want bureaucrats anywhere near. But each year education just gets more and more run by the career idiots who make up our government, and the best they’ve done now is make all school more equitable in that they’re all becoming miserable.

The thing is, the big education problem is that we have so many kids without parental support, and a better school breakfast program isn’t even going to make a dent in that. I don’t know how that happened, but the rise in the breakdown of the family did interestingly seem to correspond with big new government programs implemented in the sixties. Maybe the solution is less big government programs, but you sure aren’t going to hear the suggestion from Obama.

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Does Voting for Democrats Kill?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010 1:02 pm

Liberals are always trying to tie crime to gun laws — and failing since the highest crime ends up in cities with the strictest gun laws — but have they ever checked violent crime versus voting Democrat? Now, I haven’t had time for a full study, but I bet there is a really strong correlation between violent crime and voting for Democrats. I don’t know how to get the data to prove it, though, but here is a list of U.S. cities with the most violent crime and here’s a list of the top 25 most liberal and conservative cities. I notice a lot of the liberal cities rank high on the list of cities with violent crime while few conservative cities are on the list and if they are there are quite low on it (can you think of any city that has a lot of crime and is Republican leaning?). Proving the rule, think of how bad crime was in New York City back when it last had Democrats as mayor and how crime hugely fell after electing a Republican.

Anyway, we need further data, but I think the result will be that on ballots there should be a warning next to any Democrat saying “Voting for this person may cause violent death.”

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If the Democrat Base Didn’t Whine, Would They Cease to Be the Democrat Base?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010 11:03 am

So Biden told the Democrat base to “stop whining”. Isn’t that like telling a football team to stop passing? I mean, that’s like half their play book. Whine about tea parties, whine about Glenn Beck, whine about Palin, whine about how Obama needs to be more liberal… without whining, about all they have left is impotent rage, and that’s even worse. And what’s Biden going to tell the base next? Stop having disdain for the average American? Don’t freak out if people feel passionately about different viewpoints than your own? Soon all the Democrat base will have nothing left but to sit quietly in their basements — which would actually be a huge help to the electability of Democrat politicians but is probably an unrealistic expectation.

The problem the Democrats have had is that while they want their base to vote and donate money, those people hugely creep out Americans at large. If more Americans actually checked out the Daily Kos and realized this is who Democrat politicians suck up to, they’d be completely done with them. So Democrats need to keep the base happy while completely ignoring them and doing their best to make sure no one hears what they say. Here’s an idea: Democrats can just take the policy ideas of their base and implement them in 2nd Life and then try to convince their base that’s the real world. They’ve believed much dumber things.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, September 28, 2010 9:06 am

Anyone do a study on the correlation between cities that vote heavily Democrat and violent crime? I’m wondering if voting for Dems kills.

Correlation = Causation if you really really want it to. Science!

Will Biden telling base to stop whining get Democrats to the polls? Only time will tell. Also, I’ll tell you: No.

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First Contact

Monday, September 27, 2010 3:02 pm

The U.N. has appointed someone to be our first contact with extraterrestrials should we ever be visited by them. I’m pretty sure, though, if something important like that happened, we’d keep the U.N. far away from it as possible as we do all other important things.

U.N.: “Aliens have landed! We need to talk to them!”

US: “But look what I found here: A paddle ball game for you to play with.”

U.N.: “Yay! Paddle ball! Hee hee hee!”

Of course, the best way to handle alien contact would be to tell the aliens, “Just go in here to talk to our leader,” and as soon as they go in the room they find it’s actually full of angry badgers and we locked the door behind them. Then we steal their spaceships and sell them at our galaxy’s nearest spaceship dealer for space gold. Who knows what’s out there in the universe; better have lots of space gold just in case.

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Other Horrors from Gitmo

Monday, September 27, 2010 1:02 pm

We’ve heard a lot of awful things about Gitmo, but here’s the latest: Only one ice cream per terrorist. That’s right; that brutal prison is now cutting back on ice cream. If you’re a terrorist who likes two ice creams per day and is captured by America , you might as well just kill yourself.

And here are some of the other horrors from Gitmo:

OTHER HORRORS FROM GITMO

* Store-brand sodas.

* For personal music listening, detainees are given Zunes.

* Only allowed two picnics per week.

* Detainees have been unable to get funding for their planned “Kitten Village” — a fully functioning village to house all their kittens.

* Their Nintendo Wii system doesn’t have MotionPlus for all four controllers.

* Netflix takes three whole days to get the the next movie on the detainees’ queues.

* Their HD DVRs can only record one channel at a time.

* They only get taco night once a month.

* Guards refuse to hunt down the more obscure songs for karaoke.

* Only enough ice and stones for six teams to play at once in the detainees’ curling league.

* Sometimes detainees are subjected to depressing glimpses of Cuban citizens.

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Is Anyone Responsible Watching Alan Grayson?

Monday, September 27, 2010 11:02 am

So Alan Grayson now has a new ad out in which he falsely calls his opponent — who was in ROTC but failed his medical exam after college — a draft dodger (Grayson never served in the military) and directly challenges his love of country. It’s like Grayson gets all his ideas from reading the comment sections of left-wing blogs because that’s the only place everything he does wouldn’t be laughed at as utterly moronic and despicable. Does the guy have any adult supervision, or is the Democratic leadership just quietly ignore him figuring he’ll be gone soon?

The saddest thing is that he’s hailed as a hero by much of the nutroots who have always treasured infantile screams over actually convincing anyone or getting candidates elected. I really hope they soon invent a pill to help those people. Well, hopefully they have a good scream prepared for November.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, September 27, 2010 9:08 am

The Axelrod/liberal bloggers dust up has confirmed that I am the blogger most associated with hippie punching. Cool.

How hard would it be for a browser to say, “This webpage is about to play annoying music; do you want it to?”?

It’s okay having Colbert testifying about illegal immigration in Congress; it’s not like anyone takes that issue seriously.

Sadly, “Bush sucked” and “Bush was way better than Obama” are not mutually exclusive.

To techno music with an annoying voice sample it plays over and over: Please stop that; it’s annoying.

I’m not dumb; I’m differently smart.

They went to the moon in 1969 with 1969 technology. Still feels like we really suck compared to that.

Eventually we’ll need to destroy the sun and replace it with something more stable if we want to keep living on this planet.

Those who can’t do, teach. Those who despise those who can do become politicians.

Do you think we’ll soon come up with some nanotechnology or something to replace the function of yeast?

Instead of a coach holding up a piece of paper to hide his lips, he should wear a ninja mask.

When Boise State has someone other than the quarterback throw a pass, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them miss.

I don’t know anything about Katy Perry other than that she has boobs.

Do professionals get mad when you try to do football yourself?

The left talk a lot about infrastructure which makes wonder whether that’s even a real thing.

Filled out registration form so I can take full advantage of the citizenship I earned through my years in the Space Marines.

What other henges are available other than the stone variety?

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IMAO Podcast Reruns (10-11-05)

Saturday, September 25, 2010 6:29 pm

Episode 16, from 10-11-05 is now available.

NOTE: Each podcast is self-contained, so you won’t be lost if you haven’t listened to them all, or in order. Jump in anytime.

* Introduction
* IMAO’s Wizard of Oz Parody (Part 1)
* SarahK: “She Blonded Me With Science”
* IMAO’s Wizard of Oz Parody (Part 2)
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Kansas Part 1
* IMAO’s Wizard of Oz Parody (Part 3)
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Kansas Part 2
* IMAO’s Wizard of Oz Parody (Part 4)
* Frank J: “The End of the Yellow Brick Road”
* IMAO’s Wizard of Oz Parody (Part 5)
* Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The ChallahBread Man
* Sarah K: “The End of the Yellow Brick Road”
* “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Crazy Weather Phenomena
* IMAO’s Wizard of Oz Parody (Part 6)
* Harvey: “The End of the Yellow Brick Road”
* SarahK reviews “Serenity”
* IMAO’s Wizard of Oz Parody (Part 7)
* Conclusion

DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.

Enjoy the show.

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