Don’t forget your towel!

Did you see that NASA is planning to send a ship on a one-way trip to another planet?

According to news reports, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is funding a NASA project to send some people on a one-way trip:

In a talk at San Francisco’s Long Conversation conference, Simon “Pete” Worden said DARPA has $1M to spend, plus another $100,000 from NASA itself, for the program, which will initially develop a new kind of propulsion engine that will take us to Mars or beyond.

There’s only one problem: The astronauts won’t come back.

The 100-year ship would leave Earth with the intention of colonizing a planet, but it would likely be a one-way trip because of the time it takes to travel 35 million miles

Who would make the trip?

  • hairdressers
  • tired TV producers
  • insurance salesmen
  • personnel officers
  • security guards
  • public relations executives
  • management consultants
  • telephone sanitizers

Well, actually, I’m not sure about that list. That may be a list from somewhere else entirely.

But, as long as NASA is sending a ship on a one-way trip, why not use that list? Or something like it? Why not turn the 100-Year Starship into a B-Ark and include the useless third of society? I think we could include:

  • Democrats
  • MSNBC anchors
  • daytime TV talk show hosts
  • moderates
  • liberals
  • bloggers
  • community organizers

Any other suggestions?

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  1. This is a very good idea, Basil. Might we add:

    * Tweeters (“Twitterers?”)
    * Owners of iPhones
    * Rap musicians and their fans
    * Anyone who hogs the left lane
    * All Cosmologists
    * All Mothers-in-law


  2. You mustn’t forget that once the telephone sanitizers were gone, society was subsequently wiped out by an infection spread by filthy telephones.

    I don’t know what function MSNBC anchors serve in the ecosystem, but it could be vital, so don’t mess with it!


  3. Rather than wasting our time nominating groups of people, I would suggest that we concentrate on particularly deserving individuals. I would advance the names: Al Gore and Zaphod Beeblebrox.


  4. I’ll second the democrats for the B-Ark.

    And I’ll add to the nominations:

    Online Pharmacists

    The people that manage the online pharmacists websites and email.

    All of the families of deceased African Royalty whose funds are only available by way of my help in the US.

    And clowns.


  5. Joy Behar
    Justin Bieber
    Anyone who has a Twitter Account
    Anyone who has ever read DKOS
    Tiger Woods


  6. * Earth-firsters (“Give Mars back to the Martians!”)

    * The designers of home accounting software (“I’m lookin’ at *you*, Quicken!”)

    * Any self-described advocate for an oppressed, voiceless minority who, in actuality, cannot be bothered. (“Give the mentally ill the vote! Stop the disenfranchisement of crazy people!”)

    * Ritalin pushers who work for public school districts.

    * Any one who posts more than 5 items in a jokey list.



  7. * All Holier-than-thou-wood actors, actresses, directors, and big-wigs that scream about Global Warming Climate Change but still have a carbon footprint bigger than Brazil’s.

    * Janet Neapolitano – maybe she’ll finally see something she’d consider calling an alien!


  8. What happened to the happy DARPA I used to know? They used to be about killing people: energy beams, particle beams, massive lasers, fuel-air bombs, anti-submarine warfare systems, advanced armor, advanced anti-armor, Tomahawk cruise missiles, sniper detection systems, armed hypersonic aircraft, GPS, super roboman exoskeletons, phased array radar, electromagnetic flux compression generators (EMP weapons), AMRAM systems, SR-71, F-117, reconnaissance satellites, Javelin missiles, M16 assault rifle, several anti-ballistic missile systems, armed Predator drones, the Internet (originally militarily strategic in purpose), X-ray lasers, not to mention the fabled High Energy Liquid Laser Area Defense System — soon to be made dinosaur-portable.

    Sooooo, mebbe we can combined DARPA’s nominal mission with Obama’s stated mission for NASA: to build bridges with the Muslim world. We could put Muslim [radicals] on this one way capsule with clamshell designers and let them duke it out on a 100 year mission to seek out new ways of tormenting each other.


  9. Imagine there’s no lawyers
    It isn’t hard to do
    Nothing to sue or go to court for
    And no Lady Gaga too
    Imagine all the Muslims
    Living life in peace…

    You may say I’m a dreamer
    But I’m not the only one…….


  10. The problem with sending people to colonize another planet, is that you have to send people of decent intellect, and actual skills. Otherwise, they’d all perish. Therefore the lists above wouldn’t work.

    [Your logic is flawless, but your conclusion is deeply flawed. You should have written “Therefore the lists above are spot on!” – B.]


  11. Liberals
    Community organizers
    Lifelong or 3rd generation Welfare recipients
    Social workers

    In other words- Socialists

    Wait. Don’t send the hippies because then I would have no one to punch.



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