Archive for November, 2010

So We’re Just Ignoring this Whole Freedom Thing Now?

Thursday, November 18, 2010 3:02 pm

So the FDA is considering banning alcoholic drinks that contain caffeine because… um… they don’t like it and if you don’t like something in America, you ban it. It’s to stop college from binge drinking or something, as they’ll never figure out how to mix Red Bull and vodka themselves. Not sure how this will affect getting an Irish coffee.

It really seems like a large segment of the population just doesn’t even understand the concept of freedom and the extent of government power in the slightest. We have this, we have the transfats and salt bans, the Happy Meal ban in San Francisco, and talk of jamming cellphone signals in cars. It doesn’t matter what you want, it matters what some politicians think you should or should not be able to do.

This is completely divorced from the whole concept of American freedom and eventually something is going to give. That’s why once again I suggest we divide the country to save it. We need parts of America designated as freedom zones where there are extremely strict limits on what laws can be passed, and then there will be “Freedom Is Scary!” zones where the government can go crazy running people’s lives. And people can choose where they want to live, and everyone will be happy… as long as the “Freedom Is Scary!” zones can only collect taxes from the scared by freedom people to fund their wacky ideas.

Someone get working on that amendment.

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Can You Even Think of a Better Leader than Pelosi?

Thursday, November 18, 2010 1:02 pm

So Democrats in the House overwhelmingly reelected Nancy Pelosi as their leader. And why not? How often do you get a chance to say you’re being led by the most unpopular politicians alive. And thus Democrats continue their quest to be as absolutely unappealing as possible to the majority of Americans.

Really, though, what could Democrats have appointed as their leader that would be more appealing than her? Let’s name a few:

THINGS THAT ARE MORE APPEALING THAN NANCY PELOSI

* Clamshell packaging
* The TSA
* A monkey with a sniper rifle
* Diabetes
* M. Night Shyamalan The Last Airbender
* Detroit
* Jim DeMint’s stupid, fat face
* Windows Vista

But I don’t want to tell the Democrats what to do. I’m sure it’s all part of a super smart plan or something.

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Let’s Criticize Fellow Conservatives

Thursday, November 18, 2010 11:01 am

Apparently some conservatives put out a declaration that criticism of DeMint will not be tolerated. To which I respond, “DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!”

Know why Republicans didn’t get the Senate this election? It’s because of DeMint and his stupid, fat face. We could have cruised to victory in this climate, except always ruining our momentum was DeMint’s stupid, fat face getting in the way. Plus, I’ve noticed something similar about all of DeMint’s supporters’ face: They are stupid and they are fat. What’s holding back the GOP right now are DeMint and his followers’ stupid, fat faces.

Hey, that was fun. Let’s criticize Palin now.

Palin is as unelectable as a write in candidacy for Mr. Mxyzptlk. She is destroying our chances with her “you betchas” and her… doing stuff. How about instead of promoting Palin, we skip the middleman and campaign for Obama? The official IMAO position is that we hate Palin and never want her mentioned again.

Hmm, who should I criticize next?

Fred Thompson is the worst…

AHH! HE JUST PUNCHED THROUGH THE WALL AND HE’S GOING TO KILL ME!!!!

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, November 18, 2010 9:11 am

Going by iTunes chart, most popular Beatles song is “Here Comes the Sun” (#19 in singles).

Well, Beatles certainly are no Ke$ha or Black Eyed Peas.

Really, the iTunes charts just destroys my faith in society… Ooh! Glee!

I don’t see like a single rock song in the iTunes top 100. Is rock old people music?

By the time Buttercup is a tweener, I think pop music will just be computer generated. Already doing that in Japan.

So what’s with the dollar sign in Ke$ha’s name? It’s so idiotic, I can hardly bring myself to type it.

So what exactly was the appeal of Murkowski that Crist lacked?

Don’t you hate it when you’re finally ready for some football and it’s March?

I wish computers were more like Tron so I could go into the computer world, find this Outlook person, and run him over with a light cycle.

I think Microsoft has taught people the benefits of limited government. When you put everything you can think of in government, it ends up like Vista.

I think it would be neat to be able to shoot lasers out my eyes, but I don’t know how much I’d use it on the average day.

Oh, and the potential lawsuits…

The civilian court didn’t find Ghailani guilty of terrorism, but he was found guilty on numerous ethics charges. Expect censure.

Know what goes great with peanuts? Poonuts.

In 1938, People Magazine named Hitler sexiest man alive. They make it clear it’s not an endorsement of politics.

So can I send a letter to People to find out exactly where I ended up getting ranked in sexiest men alive?

One episode into the second season of Human Target, and I’m ready for a Guerrero spinoff.

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Frank Riddles

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 3:00 pm

HIGH PRAISE for the last riddle goes to Me. No, not me, Me. I mean, the commenter who first put the answer down was Me. But not me me. The guy’s name is Me… but not my name.

Whatever.

Anyway, here is a new riddle. I think it’s an easy one. But what would I know; I don’t solve ‘em, I just make ‘em.

I’m always up partying
When I should be lying down.
People don’t like that,
Yet almost all join in.
Still, I only care about those who are different,
And will seek them out while there is a thought left in my head.

The first person to put the correct answer in the comments wins… hmm… what do I have as a prize…

Oh yeah!

HIGH PRAISE!

Come get that praise your parents never gave you!

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What to Do with the Angry Left?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 1:01 pm

So has the recent election taught liberals anything? No, not really. They’re still crazy angry, and everything that made votes angry they still want more of. Basically, they think Obama’s problem was that he didn’t punch America in the groin hard enough, and if he just does it harder and more relentlessly, they’ll totally love it.

The question always is how to appease these guys without actually do anything policy-wise they want. What’s useful for that is they’re actually pretty petty. The left act like they care about things like universal health care, but they’ll never get as animated about that as trashing Bristol Palin’s latest performance an Dancing with the Stars. They’re just angry people and there isn’t much rhyme or reason to them. So maybe Democrats can appease the left by finding something petty to do that most people wouldn’t care about. Like try to get Sarah Palin’s show on TLC moved so it’s only on at late night. Or an official, non-binding resolution making fun of Glenn Beck’s hair. Remember, these are the people who want every congressman to be like Alan Grayson; mindless anger that accomplishes nothing is what they crave the most. Just need to find a way to let that out that doesn’t absolutely disgust normal Americans.

Alternatively, they can just be locked in their basement without an internet connection until election day.

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Things Obama Might Think About

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 11:02 am

Newt Gingrich says Obama should take some time off to think, but I’m not sure if Obama has a brain that is good for thinking. If we put Obama in the corner, what would go through his head?

THINGS OBAMA MIGHT THINK ABOUT

* Typical white people.

* How to figure out if his head will fit in a bucket.

* Try to to imagine where all the money he’s been crazy spending might have ended up.

* How people would appreciate him much better if he were only president of Europe.

* The mechanics of a proper bow.

* All the jobs and unicorns he’s saved and created.

* Things other than religion and guns that people could be bitterly clinging to that would cause them to not appreciate his awesomeness.

* Eating waffles.

* Remembering the names of all fifty-seven states.

* How worried he is that people will find out how disorganized his community was.

* He’ll imagine a teleprompter and read thoughts off of it.

What do you think Obama will think about?

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 9:02 am

So how many people are going to buy Beatles on iTunes who didn’t already rip the songs from their CDs? Tweeners? Do tweeners listen to Beatles? How similar are they to Justin Bieber?

Security theater will now be a musical. Your airline will provide you with your lyrics when you check in.

Why am I being an old fogey about the Beatles? They broke up 9 years before I was born.

We need a war with a draft if for no other reason than to finally get someone to buzz cut Justin Bieber’s hair. I don’t care if he’s Canadian.

“Looking for weapons with our pants on the ground.”

Can’t the TSA just put up a sign “Bomb free zone”? It’s supposed to work with schools.

Hiring skeevy pervs for the TSA is the only way to ensure that everyone is checked thoroughly.

You can make fun of Palin all you want, but when she’s president I doubt her death squads will have a very good sense of humor.

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lolbama! Part 52

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 9:18 pm

NOTE: I’m going on vacation toward the end of the month to a happy place with little to no internet access, so there’ll be little to no posting from me except for the Podcast Scraps this weekend. Look for lolterizt! to return on December 7th, followed by lolbama! on the 14th.

Meanwhile, go ahead and submit your captions now to avoid the holiday rush.

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larry:

From Mike B:

From me (Harvey):

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

From Travelwise42:

Irritable Pundit has an entry that’s better viewed full-size. Go thither.


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From Shane:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Congress Duty

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 3:01 pm

P.J. O’Rourke has a good article on how we lost in this election because all we did was elect a bunch more politicians. People are always arguing over who is the true conservative in the race, but it’s a trick question because a true conservative wouldn’t even get in the race. Politics is a liberal job; it’s about not doing anything useful but meddling with people who do. Why would a conservative want that?

So instead of our current system designed to make sure our government is run by ambitious sociopaths, I’ve always like the idea that O’Rourke outlines that we instead have Congress more like jury duty. We randomly select people to represent us and you can’t get out of it until your term is up. Then we can maybe get that mythical true conservative in Congress — the guy who is only in government under threat of law.

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What’s Going on in Congress Now

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 1:02 pm

So a few things going on in Congress now as we wait for the new guys to take over. One is they’re talking about the earmark ban, and the reasons that’s even has to be discussed is why I hate all politicians. Basically, they bribe their constituents to reelect them with billions of other people’s money. And when you steal that much money, that should be a hanging offense. Which reminds me of one of my reforms for Congress: Right outside the Capitol Building should be the hanging tree. That’s where Congressmen who do wrong end up. They may not listen to censure or public opinion, but everyone listens to hanging.

There is also talk of trying to ram through amnesty in the lame duck session. Just think of all those people who avoided the law for so long waiting to see what prizes they can win! Of course, Democrats figure if they can make more people here illegally voting citizens, that’s more votes for them and they don’t care how they get those. Probably one day they’ll propose letting other countries vote in the U.S. since what we do affects everyone, and guess how things will turn out if Europe votes here. It would be the biggest blow to democracy since letting women vote.

Anyway, they kept saying the GOP is the party of “No” and that when the new guys come nothing will get done. I’m hoping for a lot of that.

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Frank Ideas for Airport Security

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 11:02 am

People are starting to get a little fed up with the TSA. I guess the idea of them is to take naked pictures and molest anyone who tries to go on a plane so that terrorists will be far too uncomfortable to ever go through with a terror attack. Still, it’s not fun for non-terrorists who also don’t like being molested. Maybe we can come up with some better ideas for how to do airport security.

OTHER IDEAS FOR AIRPORT SECURITY

* Some sort of written test that evaluates how Muslimy you are and looks for dangerous levels of Muslimness (I wonder how Obama would do on that test).

* Terrorists don’t like pigs, so guess who is sitting in every other seat? Did you guess pigs? That is the correct guess.

* There is no reasons to go on a plane in Muslim garb other than to make Juan Williams nervous. Scrutinize those people carefully!

* Keep terrorists arch-nemesis on ever flight: ninjas. Or am I thinking of pirates?

* If someone on a flight asks which direction Mecca is, don’t tell him! He probably just wants to do his pre-exploding prayer!

* Actually screen for suspicious people — even if that can look like profiling — instead of all this useless, CYA nonsense like confiscating water bottles to attack whatever the last threat was.

What are your ideas for airport security?

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 9:00 am

I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. the World over the weekend and I enjoyed it. If more people saw it, I think they would have enjoyed it too.

Just realized when I’m talking about something from the 1st season of Simpsons, I’m now talking about something more than twenty years ago. We’re old.

I’d be okay with security theater if there were more plot twists. Like sometimes we discover weapons on the TSA agents and arrest them.

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What to Do with KSM?

Monday, November 15, 2010 3:01 pm

Obama may not give Khalid Sheikh Mohammed a trial at all. Everyone is against his really dumb idea to try him in New York, and he doesn’t want to go back on what he said and give KSM a military trial. So no trial and just continued indefinite detention for KSM.

Now, I’m not going to care one wit about KSM’s civil rights (my least kind of rights), but we do have to follow the Constitution here. If we are unable to give a detainee a trial, then the procedures for that are quite clear. KSM needs to be put in a room with two doors. He will be told that one door leads to his freedom and that the other door contains a hungry tiger that’s also coked out of its mind. KSM is then instructed to choose one door. After he agonizes over the decision for a while, he’ll try to open one door but will be unable because they’re both locked. And when he’s struggling with the doorknob, we drop a bowling ball on his head.

Hey, it’s in the Constitution. Near the middle.

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Highlights from Sarah Palin’s Alaska

Monday, November 15, 2010 1:03 pm

I watched Sarah Palin’s Alaska last night. It’s an important show, because it involves Sarah Palin, who will be the Republican presidential nominee, and there is pretty much nothing anyone can do to stop it. Also, it had pretty scenery of Alaska in HD.

Buttercup watched the show with me. She enjoyed its brightness and colors.

It was a fun show. Here are the highlights:

* Sarah Palin proved once and for all you can see Russia from Alaska by going to the shore of Alaska, aiming across the water with a sniper rifle, and firing off a few rounds. She then turned on the TV and got a Russian station reporting that Russians should be wary of recent sniper attacks.

* Palin really wanted to try something new for the first show, so she shot wolves from a hang glider.

* Palin introduced everyone to her army of mutant abominable snowmen she has been working on to take over the mainland if democratic processes don’t go her way.

* When the cameras were at her house, the show was constantly being interrupted anytime they saw their neighbor with Palin shouting, “Shoot him in the knees!” and all the Palins pulling out guns and opening fire.

* A fishing trip was cut short when the Palins had to drop everything to fight back against the AT-AT walkers that were trying to destroy their shield generator.

* Palin ran into a real mama grizzly and killed it with her bare hands… despite it begging for its life.

* Palin is pretty blatant about all the violent crimes she’s committed, as the U.S. and Alaska don’t have very good extradition agreements.

* With all the awful things Palin says about her arch-nemesis, the moose, you almost want to say she’s racist.

* Palin showed off the Thunderdome where they watch gladiatorial combat on weekends. It’s not illegal in Alaska since it’s too far north for U.S. laws to apply there.

* It was quite an exciting end to the first episode when Palin went to the middle of the woods and turned to the cameraman and said, “Now I hunt you!”

What was your favorite part of the show?

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The Reality Noise-Machine

Monday, November 15, 2010 11:01 am

I have a new Pajamas Media column on that big noisy thing that’s always shouting down liberal ideas: reality.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, November 15, 2010 9:08 am

When things are at their darkest, sometimes the only thing that keeps me going despite all the troubles is my constant whining.

So how long until we hear Democrats whining about how Alan West threatened to shoot them to get vote a certain way on a bill?

I’m finally going to give in and google what the hey this QE2 thing is.

No, that didn’t work. Eyes glazed over before I could find an answer.

I think QE2 is bad… but don’t shoot it with a shotgun based on my vague understanding.

Nice thing about iPad: Can be used while walking around. So it’s good for a baby who cries every time you sit.

The game Minecraft is addictive. This is probably the last you’ll hear from me for a while.

Sarah Palin’s family is so precious. Let’s put her in charge of the country.

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Sarah Palin can do it all

Monday, November 15, 2010 7:00 am

What can Sarah Palin do?

The better question is: What can Sarah Palin not do?

I discovered just how talented and versatile she is. She can quarterback Auburn University.

No, really. Look:

Source: Columbus Ledger-Enquirer

It surprised me, to say the least.

With her leading Auburn on the gridiron, I suspect she’s completely lost all the Boise State and Texas Christian fans. All 20 of them.

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Nancy Pelosi: It wasn’t my fault

Monday, November 15, 2010 6:10 am

I’ve been reading that Nancy Pelosi says the recent Democrat losses in the House of Representatives weren’t her fault.

It sort of reminded me of Jake’s excuses in The Blues Brothers:

What does it remind you of?

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IMAO Podcast Reruns (10-2-06)

Saturday, November 13, 2010 9:10 pm

Episode 23, from 10-2-06 is now available.

This is the last full podcast I have. I’m not sure if it’s the last full podcast that got made, as I have some other files left over that suggest there was an episode 24 in November 2006, and also a Christmas 2006 episode. Anyway, I’ll post the scraps next week.

NOTE: Each podcast is self-contained, so you won’t be lost if you haven’t listened to them all, or in order. Jump in anytime.

* Introduction
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Michigan Part 1
* Sarah K: Target Practice
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Michigan Part 2
* American Monkey with Spacemonkey: Chris Wallace’s Bill Clinton interview
* Sarah K: Post-election blues
* World of Knowledge with FrankJ: Oil
* Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Story: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
* Sarah K reviews “Smallville”
* FrankJ: What if Democrats win in 2006?
* Conclusion

DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.

Enjoy the show.

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