Me Go Bye Now

SarahK, Buttercup, and I will be going to Texas for two weeks, so expect my blogging to be light. And don’t worry; we’re driving, so any groping in our travels will be consensual.

If you miss my blogging (and who wouldn’t), you can do a build-your-own IMAO post. Just take a recent news story and work punching hippies or dinosaurs with rocket launchers into it. It’s simple. In fact, in the future I’ll probably have a computer algorithm guest blog for me.

Later, losers!

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If We Can’t Defund NPR, Can We Cut Anything?

So the vote to defund NPR was 239-171 against. Since I’ve never heard even one good argument why tax payers should be forced to pay for NPR and we need to cut money and one can hardly think of anything in the budget more unnecessary than them, I’m a bit surprised more Democrats didn’t vote for the defunding. Then again, they’ve been in a bit of mood lately for some reason.

I don’t think NPR will be as lucky with the next Congress, and if you’re going to start cutting the budget, might as well start there. And before anyone is like, “It’s only a couple million; who cares?” I say try embezzling $50,000 from the government and see if they’re like, “Oh, that’s just pennies; would cost more to prosecute you.”

Hmm… embezzling from the federal government…

You know, IMAO could use grants to do… um… smart stuff for public good. Please give me million grant and I will take good care of it.

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Voicing Conservative Concerns to the NRSC

Senator Cornyn has asked fellow Republicans that they bring to him concerns about candidates he recruits as the National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman instead of just primarying them like happened with Crist and Castle. So, in the future, we should have conversations like this:

CONSERVATIVE: Hello, Cornyn, I have some concerns about the candidate you’ve recruited that I would like to voice.

CORNYN: Certainly. What do you have to say?

CONSERVATIVE: I just want to say that the candidate you picked is such a horrible RINO he makes me literally vomit all over myself in rage.

CORNYN: I see. So do you think he’ll be a problem with the base?

CONSERVATIVE: Yes. The fact that you even considered this guy makes me wonder if you’ve ever met a conservative or know what one is. Do you know what a conservative is?

CORNYN: Is it a type of apple?

CONSERVATIVE: Anyway, I need you to dissuade this guy from running for Senator. In fact, I need you to drive him out into the middle of the woods and abandon him there so we never see him again. He’s such a horrible RINO, that even knowing he exists may keep conservatives from voting Republican.

CORNYN: So you’re firm on him not being the NRSC recruit?

CONSERVATIVE: Yes. If you continue to push him, I will burn down your house with your family inside. A RINO such as this demands blood.

CORNYN: So he’s as bad as Crist?

CONSERVATIVE: Whoa! I didn’t say that! Let’s not go overboard.

Yeah, that should work better than nasty primaries.

Communication!

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Random Thoughts

During the night, my wife moved my glasses from the top of the nightstand where they always are to in the drawer. She must hate me. Long time to find them since I would never put them there and what are the chances someone maliciously move them during the night? Answer: 100%

All this TSA stuff has made me glad we’ve decided to drive to Texas next week. Not saying there won’t be any groping.

This ban on caffinated alcoholic beverages only affects stupid kid stuff, right? Can I still get my morning Irish coffee?

Harder to binge drink Irish coffees because of the throat burning.

“I’m with the FBI – Female Body Inspectors. Seriously, though, I’m with the TSA; this is legal.”

I don’t know; I could imagine the Ed Harris Nazi from Enemy at the Gates listening to NPR. Elitist!

I always have a lot of trouble spelling convenience. It is an inconvenient word to spell.

Saw a new Gadsen flag with the usual slogan replaced with “Don’t Touch My Junk”.

They need to do a remake of Romeo and Juliet, but instead of the Montagues and the Capulets, it’s the ninjas and the pirates.

I think the most important part of my ninja/pirate Romeo and Juliet movie is that it take itself dead serious.

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TSA, Naked People and My Junk!

That slacker Crowder has a new video out on the TSA.

So what’s all your opinion on the TSA? I assume you’re all for it since you’re like pervs and stuff.

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So We’re Just Ignoring this Whole Freedom Thing Now?

So the FDA is considering banning alcoholic drinks that contain caffeine because… um… they don’t like it and if you don’t like something in America, you ban it. It’s to stop college from binge drinking or something, as they’ll never figure out how to mix Red Bull and vodka themselves. Not sure how this will affect getting an Irish coffee.

It really seems like a large segment of the population just doesn’t even understand the concept of freedom and the extent of government power in the slightest. We have this, we have the transfats and salt bans, the Happy Meal ban in San Francisco, and talk of jamming cellphone signals in cars. It doesn’t matter what you want, it matters what some politicians think you should or should not be able to do.

This is completely divorced from the whole concept of American freedom and eventually something is going to give. That’s why once again I suggest we divide the country to save it. We need parts of America designated as freedom zones where there are extremely strict limits on what laws can be passed, and then there will be “Freedom Is Scary!” zones where the government can go crazy running people’s lives. And people can choose where they want to live, and everyone will be happy… as long as the “Freedom Is Scary!” zones can only collect taxes from the scared by freedom people to fund their wacky ideas.

Someone get working on that amendment.

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Can You Even Think of a Better Leader than Pelosi?

So Democrats in the House overwhelmingly reelected Nancy Pelosi as their leader. And why not? How often do you get a chance to say you’re being led by the most unpopular politicians alive. And thus Democrats continue their quest to be as absolutely unappealing as possible to the majority of Americans.

Really, though, what could Democrats have appointed as their leader that would be more appealing than her? Let’s name a few:

THINGS THAT ARE MORE APPEALING THAN NANCY PELOSI

* Clamshell packaging
* The TSA
* A monkey with a sniper rifle
* Diabetes
* M. Night Shyamalan The Last Airbender
* Detroit
* Jim DeMint’s stupid, fat face
* Windows Vista

But I don’t want to tell the Democrats what to do. I’m sure it’s all part of a super smart plan or something.

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Let’s Criticize Fellow Conservatives

Apparently some conservatives put out a declaration that criticism of DeMint will not be tolerated. To which I respond, “DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!”

Know why Republicans didn’t get the Senate this election? It’s because of DeMint and his stupid, fat face. We could have cruised to victory in this climate, except always ruining our momentum was DeMint’s stupid, fat face getting in the way. Plus, I’ve noticed something similar about all of DeMint’s supporters’ face: They are stupid and they are fat. What’s holding back the GOP right now are DeMint and his followers’ stupid, fat faces.

Hey, that was fun. Let’s criticize Palin now.

Palin is as unelectable as a write in candidacy for Mr. Mxyzptlk. She is destroying our chances with her “you betchas” and her… doing stuff. How about instead of promoting Palin, we skip the middleman and campaign for Obama? The official IMAO position is that we hate Palin and never want her mentioned again.

Hmm, who should I criticize next?

Fred Thompson is the worst…

AHH! HE JUST PUNCHED THROUGH THE WALL AND HE’S GOING TO KILL ME!!!!

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Random Thoughts

Going by iTunes chart, most popular Beatles song is “Here Comes the Sun” (#19 in singles).

Well, Beatles certainly are no Ke$ha or Black Eyed Peas.

Really, the iTunes charts just destroys my faith in society… Ooh! Glee!

I don’t see like a single rock song in the iTunes top 100. Is rock old people music?

By the time Buttercup is a tweener, I think pop music will just be computer generated. Already doing that in Japan.

So what’s with the dollar sign in Ke$ha’s name? It’s so idiotic, I can hardly bring myself to type it.

So what exactly was the appeal of Murkowski that Crist lacked?

Don’t you hate it when you’re finally ready for some football and it’s March?

I wish computers were more like Tron so I could go into the computer world, find this Outlook person, and run him over with a light cycle.

I think Microsoft has taught people the benefits of limited government. When you put everything you can think of in government, it ends up like Vista.

I think it would be neat to be able to shoot lasers out my eyes, but I don’t know how much I’d use it on the average day.

Oh, and the potential lawsuits…

The civilian court didn’t find Ghailani guilty of terrorism, but he was found guilty on numerous ethics charges. Expect censure.

Know what goes great with peanuts? Poonuts.

In 1938, People Magazine named Hitler sexiest man alive. They make it clear it’s not an endorsement of politics.

So can I send a letter to People to find out exactly where I ended up getting ranked in sexiest men alive?

One episode into the second season of Human Target, and I’m ready for a Guerrero spinoff.

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Frank Riddles

HIGH PRAISE for the last riddle goes to Me. No, not me, Me. I mean, the commenter who first put the answer down was Me. But not me me. The guy’s name is Me… but not my name.

Whatever.

Anyway, here is a new riddle. I think it’s an easy one. But what would I know; I don’t solve ’em, I just make ’em.

I’m always up partying
When I should be lying down.
People don’t like that,
Yet almost all join in.
Still, I only care about those who are different,
And will seek them out while there is a thought left in my head.

The first person to put the correct answer in the comments wins… hmm… what do I have as a prize…

Oh yeah!

HIGH PRAISE!

Come get that praise your parents never gave you!

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What to Do with the Angry Left?

So has the recent election taught liberals anything? No, not really. They’re still crazy angry, and everything that made votes angry they still want more of. Basically, they think Obama’s problem was that he didn’t punch America in the groin hard enough, and if he just does it harder and more relentlessly, they’ll totally love it.

The question always is how to appease these guys without actually do anything policy-wise they want. What’s useful for that is they’re actually pretty petty. The left act like they care about things like universal health care, but they’ll never get as animated about that as trashing Bristol Palin’s latest performance an Dancing with the Stars. They’re just angry people and there isn’t much rhyme or reason to them. So maybe Democrats can appease the left by finding something petty to do that most people wouldn’t care about. Like try to get Sarah Palin’s show on TLC moved so it’s only on at late night. Or an official, non-binding resolution making fun of Glenn Beck’s hair. Remember, these are the people who want every congressman to be like Alan Grayson; mindless anger that accomplishes nothing is what they crave the most. Just need to find a way to let that out that doesn’t absolutely disgust normal Americans.

Alternatively, they can just be locked in their basement without an internet connection until election day.

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Things Obama Might Think About

Newt Gingrich says Obama should take some time off to think, but I’m not sure if Obama has a brain that is good for thinking. If we put Obama in the corner, what would go through his head?

THINGS OBAMA MIGHT THINK ABOUT

* Typical white people.

* How to figure out if his head will fit in a bucket.

* Try to to imagine where all the money he’s been crazy spending might have ended up.

* How people would appreciate him much better if he were only president of Europe.

* The mechanics of a proper bow.

* All the jobs and unicorns he’s saved and created.

* Things other than religion and guns that people could be bitterly clinging to that would cause them to not appreciate his awesomeness.

* Eating waffles.

* Remembering the names of all fifty-seven states.

* How worried he is that people will find out how disorganized his community was.

* He’ll imagine a teleprompter and read thoughts off of it.

What do you think Obama will think about?

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Random Thoughts

So how many people are going to buy Beatles on iTunes who didn’t already rip the songs from their CDs? Tweeners? Do tweeners listen to Beatles? How similar are they to Justin Bieber?

Security theater will now be a musical. Your airline will provide you with your lyrics when you check in.

Why am I being an old fogey about the Beatles? They broke up 9 years before I was born.

We need a war with a draft if for no other reason than to finally get someone to buzz cut Justin Bieber’s hair. I don’t care if he’s Canadian.

“Looking for weapons with our pants on the ground.”

Can’t the TSA just put up a sign “Bomb free zone”? It’s supposed to work with schools.

Hiring skeevy pervs for the TSA is the only way to ensure that everyone is checked thoroughly.

You can make fun of Palin all you want, but when she’s president I doubt her death squads will have a very good sense of humor.

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lolbama! Part 52

NOTE: I’m going on vacation toward the end of the month to a happy place with little to no internet access, so there’ll be little to no posting from me except for the Podcast Scraps this weekend. Look for lolterizt! to return on December 7th, followed by lolbama! on the 14th.

Meanwhile, go ahead and submit your captions now to avoid the holiday rush.

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larry:

From Mike B:

From me (Harvey):

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

From Travelwise42:

Irritable Pundit has an entry that’s better viewed full-size. Go thither.


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From Shane:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Congress Duty

P.J. O’Rourke has a good article on how we lost in this election because all we did was elect a bunch more politicians. People are always arguing over who is the true conservative in the race, but it’s a trick question because a true conservative wouldn’t even get in the race. Politics is a liberal job; it’s about not doing anything useful but meddling with people who do. Why would a conservative want that?

So instead of our current system designed to make sure our government is run by ambitious sociopaths, I’ve always like the idea that O’Rourke outlines that we instead have Congress more like jury duty. We randomly select people to represent us and you can’t get out of it until your term is up. Then we can maybe get that mythical true conservative in Congress — the guy who is only in government under threat of law.

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