I now pronounce you …

(Note: I promised I’d write a post from the suggestions made yesterday. This is actually inspired by that. Don’t ask how. You’d gain an insight to how my brain works … and you really don’t want to know. Really. I still plan to write something, but Wife just got out of the shower, wearing only a towel … around her head. Later, losers! – Basil)

Growing up in Georgia, I discovered that some words can be pronounced in different ways, depending on where you are.

For instance, “Jordan.” You may say JOR-dan. Some people, in west Georgia and east Alabama pronounce it “JURD-n.” Like that stadium where Auburn University plays football, Jordan-Hare. Or, Jimmy Carter’s Chief of Staff, Hamilton Jordan. Those are pronounced “JURD-n.”

Houston County, in central Georgia? It’s not “HYOOS-ton,” as you might think. It’s “HOWS-ton.” Really.

Buena Vista, in west Georgia? “BYOO-na VISS-ta.” Seriously.

Walthourville, in southeast Georgia? “WALT-OWER-VILLE,” like it’s three words: Walt, hour, ville.

The lesson I learned, as I mentioned, is that words aren’t always pronounced like you might think. Or like you’ve heard others pronounce.

In the public interest, I present a list of words that you may have been mispronouncing your whole life, along with the correct pronunciation.

  • Democrat (COMM-yoo-nist)
  • Republican (OWN-pro-BAY-shun)
  • Pelosi (ASS)
  • Reid (DUM-ass)
  • Obama (FAYL-yur)
  • Stimulus (BAD-i-DEE-uh)
  • Palin (AWW-sum, alternate pronunciation HOT)
  • NBC (DOOSH-bagz)
  • CBS (DOOSH-bagz)
  • CNN (DOOSH-bagz)
  • ABC (NYN-tee-per-SENT-DOOSH-bagz)
  • Fox News (TWIN-tee-per-SENT-DOOSH-bagz)
  • Liberal (KRAP-for-BRAYNZ)
  • Twitter (GAE)
  • Facebook (GAE)
  • Windows (per-PEH-chu-wul-BAY-tuh)

Perhaps you’ve run across other words that aren’t pronounced as one would expect?

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Train Wreck Post: Submissions

Let’s see. Frank and SarahK and Buttercup are spending the next several days in an undisclosed location.

Harvey has a real job. And has some vacation going on, too.

I’m working (or at least, drawing a paycheck for showing up).

SpaceMonkey is spending the time he has playing dad.

Laurence Simon only shows up for certain things. Still working on that biography of Tim Russert, I suppose.

There’s Mister Right who … okay, I don’t know what the hell he does.

Okay, who else has posted here in the last year or so? I can’t think of anyone else.

So, what’s an IMAO reader to do?

Okay, quiet down. Let me see what I can do.

Tell you what. Submit some ideas for a post. From the most popular ideas, I’ll write something. Tonight. When I get off work. Seriously.

It’ll either be awesome, or it’ll suck big time.

I’m thinking this will be the Mother Of All Train Wrecks.

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Solving the TSA problem

Some people are getting all bent out of shape about the TSA naked scanners and the grope-downs.

But not everybody.

Gloria Allred says she enjoyed it.

Maybe we’re going about this whole thing wrong.

Maybe what we need to do is have some choices. More choices, anyway.

Right now, we have two choices: get your naked scan done, or get felt-up by someone who couldn’t get a real job. Men are getting groped by men, women are getting groped by women.

And that’s the problem. Not enough choices.

The TSA needs to offer a choice. Let each person who opts for a grope-down get to choose the groper:

  • Straight man
  • Straight woman
  • Gay man
  • Gay woman
  • Bisexual man
  • Bisexual woman
  • Hermaphrodite
  • Supermodel
  • Chippendales dancer
  • Bond girl
  • Bondage girl
  • Blind girl
  • Eddie Long
  • Eddie Haskell
  • Mr. Ed
  • Mr. Green Jeans
  • Mr. Mister
  • Miss America

Who would it take to grope you so that you wouldn’t mind it?

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Frank Was Right – UPDATED 11-20

This is a good design:

UPDATE 11-20:

Wacky Hermit wants one for “lady junk”. How about this?:

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IMAO Podcast Reruns – The Leftovers

Just a few podcast-related scraps I found lying around on my computer.

* Fun Facts About Minnesota Part 1
* My Ideal Candidate
* Fun Facts About Minnesota Part 2
* A Christmas Tale
* What I’m Thankful For
* Unfinished (ok, barely started) script: Fun Facts About Fun Facts About the 50 States

DISCLAIMER: This material is all mine and I guarantee that it’s great.

And now that your memory’s been refreshed, leave a comment about your favorite podcast bit. As a courtesy to the wallflowers, you may wish to mention which episode it was in so they can go check it out.

Personally, I really liked the time we struck oil (#11) and the time we started a college (#13). And generally, I think the best episodes were when we had a group sketch and everybody did individual bits on the theme of the week.

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Me Go Bye Now

SarahK, Buttercup, and I will be going to Texas for two weeks, so expect my blogging to be light. And don’t worry; we’re driving, so any groping in our travels will be consensual.

If you miss my blogging (and who wouldn’t), you can do a build-your-own IMAO post. Just take a recent news story and work punching hippies or dinosaurs with rocket launchers into it. It’s simple. In fact, in the future I’ll probably have a computer algorithm guest blog for me.

Later, losers!

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If We Can’t Defund NPR, Can We Cut Anything?

So the vote to defund NPR was 239-171 against. Since I’ve never heard even one good argument why tax payers should be forced to pay for NPR and we need to cut money and one can hardly think of anything in the budget more unnecessary than them, I’m a bit surprised more Democrats didn’t vote for the defunding. Then again, they’ve been in a bit of mood lately for some reason.

I don’t think NPR will be as lucky with the next Congress, and if you’re going to start cutting the budget, might as well start there. And before anyone is like, “It’s only a couple million; who cares?” I say try embezzling $50,000 from the government and see if they’re like, “Oh, that’s just pennies; would cost more to prosecute you.”

Hmm… embezzling from the federal government…

You know, IMAO could use grants to do… um… smart stuff for public good. Please give me million grant and I will take good care of it.

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Voicing Conservative Concerns to the NRSC

Senator Cornyn has asked fellow Republicans that they bring to him concerns about candidates he recruits as the National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman instead of just primarying them like happened with Crist and Castle. So, in the future, we should have conversations like this:

CONSERVATIVE: Hello, Cornyn, I have some concerns about the candidate you’ve recruited that I would like to voice.

CORNYN: Certainly. What do you have to say?

CONSERVATIVE: I just want to say that the candidate you picked is such a horrible RINO he makes me literally vomit all over myself in rage.

CORNYN: I see. So do you think he’ll be a problem with the base?

CONSERVATIVE: Yes. The fact that you even considered this guy makes me wonder if you’ve ever met a conservative or know what one is. Do you know what a conservative is?

CORNYN: Is it a type of apple?

CONSERVATIVE: Anyway, I need you to dissuade this guy from running for Senator. In fact, I need you to drive him out into the middle of the woods and abandon him there so we never see him again. He’s such a horrible RINO, that even knowing he exists may keep conservatives from voting Republican.

CORNYN: So you’re firm on him not being the NRSC recruit?

CONSERVATIVE: Yes. If you continue to push him, I will burn down your house with your family inside. A RINO such as this demands blood.

CORNYN: So he’s as bad as Crist?

CONSERVATIVE: Whoa! I didn’t say that! Let’s not go overboard.

Yeah, that should work better than nasty primaries.

Communication!

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Random Thoughts

During the night, my wife moved my glasses from the top of the nightstand where they always are to in the drawer. She must hate me. Long time to find them since I would never put them there and what are the chances someone maliciously move them during the night? Answer: 100%

All this TSA stuff has made me glad we’ve decided to drive to Texas next week. Not saying there won’t be any groping.

This ban on caffinated alcoholic beverages only affects stupid kid stuff, right? Can I still get my morning Irish coffee?

Harder to binge drink Irish coffees because of the throat burning.

“I’m with the FBI – Female Body Inspectors. Seriously, though, I’m with the TSA; this is legal.”

I don’t know; I could imagine the Ed Harris Nazi from Enemy at the Gates listening to NPR. Elitist!

I always have a lot of trouble spelling convenience. It is an inconvenient word to spell.

Saw a new Gadsen flag with the usual slogan replaced with “Don’t Touch My Junk”.

They need to do a remake of Romeo and Juliet, but instead of the Montagues and the Capulets, it’s the ninjas and the pirates.

I think the most important part of my ninja/pirate Romeo and Juliet movie is that it take itself dead serious.

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TSA, Naked People and My Junk!

That slacker Crowder has a new video out on the TSA.

So what’s all your opinion on the TSA? I assume you’re all for it since you’re like pervs and stuff.

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