Archive for December, 2010

lolbama! Part 54

Tuesday, December 28, 2010 8:42 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Arik:

From Kris:

[reference link 1, reference link 2]

From Kris:

From Paul:

[I can't shake the feeling there ought to be a reference link for this one. Besides this, I mean]

From That Guy Grems:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From PJ:

From Brian the Adequate:

From Brothermurf:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Mark_L:

From Rusty:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From Travelwise42 of Wise Up!:

[reference link]

From PJ:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with [Hat Tip: Laurie]:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, December 28, 2010 3:30 pm

A reader asked why couldn’t I at least post Random Thoughts while on vacation, and I guess I can do that so here I go.

Johnathan Coulton’s song Still Alive is one of the most awesome songs ever made, but you have to play Portal to really get it all. I just like the mixture of both creepy menace and humor. Also, can’t beat the line, “Look at me still talking while there’s science to do.”

Actually, a good slogan for GOP skeptical of all of Obama’s promises: “The cake is a lie.”

I should have added that isn’t enough of an indictment of the X-Men that their most popular member is a short, hairy Canadian?

If Moses parted the Red Sea today, instead of a miracle it would just be considered yet more proof of Global Warming.

Being cynical all the time makes you smart. Well, it makes you appear smart, which is even better than actually being smart.

I’m an engineer. You task me to solve a problem like Maria, I’ll solve it. It may take a while and may not be pretty, but it will be solved.

Small children like me, but I don’t think they get me on the same level some of you do.

Of course I’ve heard of Rudolph, because he’s – as you just said – THE MOST FAMOUS REINDEER OF ALL!

In fact, why did you assume I know of the other reindeer but not the most famous one? How does that make any sense?

“Now I Have a Machinegun. Ho-Ho-Ho!” would make a great Christmas sweater.

A lot of Christmas comes from pagan traditions. Instead of leaving cookies for Santa to eat, people used to leave out babies.

Got a t-shirt that the crest of Hyrule. Pretty geeky, but you have to know it’s the crest of Hyrule to call me a geek.

Got suckered into getting Droid phone. Free at Best Buy (with new 2-year contract and data plan).

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By the way, I’m running for mayor of Chicago, too

Tuesday, December 28, 2010 8:02 am

Did you miss the news the other day?

The Chicago Board of Election Commissioners ruled that former Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel is a Chicago resident and can run for mayor.

Part of the problem is that Emanuel doesn’t actually live in Chicago. Hasn’t for a couple of years. He says he’s paid taxes there. And that whole selling his house thing? He wasn’t really selling it.

The Board, in true Chicago style, said that as long as Emanuel was planning on going back, he was a resident.

Which brings me to my point: I’ve been to Chicago. Spent days there. Drove the roads and paid the tolls … which are road taxes. Even been to a White Sox game. And plan to go back to see a Cubs game at Wrigley.

Like Rahm Emanuel, I’ve been to Chicago, paid taxes there, and plan to go back.

Therefore, I am a Chicago resident.

So, I’m running for mayor, too.

And, since it’s Chicago, I want everyone to register so you can vote for me. I mean, it’s Chicago. Dead people vote there all the time. I don’t see why being alive should disqualify you. Just tell them you’re a Democrat. That should cut through any red tape.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I’m elected mayor of Chicago. I suppose I should think up some campaign promises or something. I mean, it’s what people running for office do, right?

Here are some of the things I’ve come up with:

  • Rename US Cellular Field to Cominskey Park.
  • Daily contests between Lou Malnati’s and Pizzeria Uno’s for best Original Chicago Style Pizza.
  • Every holiday gets a massacre. St. Valentine’s Day has ridden that gravy train for too long!
  • Oprah has to give cars to everybody.
  • Lake Michigan is renamed Happy Fun Lake and is declared off-limits to Canada.

I’m looking for more ideas. When I’m elected mayor, I’ll have jobs for everyone who submits ideas and otherwise contributes to the campaign. As mayor of Chicago, I’ll be able to do that.

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BTW

Monday, December 27, 2010 2:43 pm

Probably should have mentioned I’m on vacation this week. So if you were wondering where I was or was already getting a posse together to avenge my death, hold off for a little bit.

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A happy Christmas to all

Saturday, December 25, 2010 6:40 am

Luke 2:1-14

  1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.
  2. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
  3. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
  4. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
  5. To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
  6. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
  7. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
  8. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
  9. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
  10. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
  11. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
  12. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
  13. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
  14. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Yes, I’m fully aware that not all of the readers at IMAO are Christians. Not all of the authors at IMAO are Christians. But still, I just wanted to remind everyone — Christians and non-Christians alike — why Christians do celebrate this day. We all need to be reminded.

This month, I’ve spent a lot more time looking at pages on Amazon.com than I have pages in the Scriptures. So, yes, I need to be reminded, too. Like I said, we all need to be reminded.

I have no idea if Frank will be up and writing today. I don’t even know if he’ll be up and reading today. But, I strongly suspect he’ll be up playing husband and father today. So I’ll go first and wish Frank J., SarahK, and Princess Buttercup … as well as the authors, readers, and commenters … a very happy Christmas.

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Operators Are Standing By…

Friday, December 24, 2010 12:58 am

A year in the making! Trillions of your tax dollars poured into its production! Now, at long last, it’s finally here!

K-Don’t Ask Don’t-Tel Records shamelessly presents:

Featuring all new recordings by the original stars!

  • Have Yourself A Merry Little Forgive The Expression – Nina Totenberg
  • Go Don’t Tell It On The Mountain/Deck The Halls Of Montezuma (aka “Don We Now Our Gay Apparel”) – The United States Military “Do Ask – Do Tell!” Chorus
  • The Twelve Days Of Lame Duck – Harry Reid & Nancy Pelosi
  • Away With Your Mangers! – The ACLU Chorus with The CAIR Community Choir
  • Do You See What We See?/Feelhiz Nobbyrod – The TSA Screeners Orchestra featuring Pat Downes
  • A Ban On All The Toys – Monet Parnham & The Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors
  • Wikileaks (On Internet Are) – Julian Assange
  • I’m Dreaming Of A Tickle Fight Christmas – Eric Massa
  • Guam, It Got Tipped Over By Our Soldiers – Hank Johnson
  • O Come Back, O Come Back, Rahm Emanuel! – Barack Obama

And so much more… you have to buy it so you can find out what’s in it!

Order now, and receive, as our special gift to you, that Alvin Greene action figure all the kiddies have been begging for!

Also available again for a limited time, last year’s seasonal celebration album!

What are you waiting for??? Order now!

[Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!]

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Stop Mentioning Kwanzaa, Racists

Thursday, December 23, 2010 3:01 pm

Being it’s the holidays, it’s once again time to remind people that Kwanzaa is a racist, recently made up holiday that there is no documented evidence of anyone actually celebrating it and you’re a racist to even mention the holiday in a positive manner.

First off, I’ve seen more evidence of bigfoot than of anyone actually celebrating Kwanzaa. I’ve never even heard fourth hand information of someone actually observing the holiday. It’s a myth.

Second, it was just made up in 1966 by some guy who thought blacks should have a separate holiday. We want to encourage that? What moronic racist thinks whites and blacks should have separate holidays? I’m sure you could get the KKK to co-sign that idea.

Finally, considering its a scam holiday some idiotic racist made up, it’s pretty racist to assume black people celebrate it. It’s like some people out there think if you label anything “This is for black people”, they’ll fall for the scam. No. No one’s that dumb except rich white liberals.

In conclusion, the only people who hold Kwanzaa as a positive thing are stupid racists. Don’t be a stupid racist. Especially so near Christmas.

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It Must Be Said: The X-Men Are the Dumbest Superhero Concept

Thursday, December 23, 2010 1:02 pm

It’s near Christmas, so it seems like a good time to rant about the X-Men.

I like comic books and superheroes, but — other than Josh Whedon’s Astonishing X-Men run which was entertaining — I can’t stand the X-Men. The concept is just too stupid on so many levels and I can’t suspend my disbelief.

One thing, is the constant whining about how discriminated against they are, and you know how much everyone loves it when heroes whine! “People are so mean to us mutants! People say they don’t want their kids in the same school as mutants just because we’ve blown up classroom’s six or seven times!” So while we’re expelling kids for just drawing a picture of a gun, we’re supposed to feel bad that most people don’t want mutants around them who can touch things and cause them to explode. Anyway, the discrimination against them is supposed to parallel homophobia or something (which they’ve made more explicit by having them move to San Francisco), but of course that analogy breaks down pretty quickly. It would be a much different debate if gay people secretly went around in a paramilitary organization blowing stuff up all the time. And know who blows stuff up all the time and whines constantly about being discriminated against? Radical Muslims.

Another thing is how the X-Men being discriminated against makes absolutely no sense in their universe. You can’t swing a dead cat in the Marvel universe without hitting a superhero, and many of them are beloved by the public like the Fantastic Four and Captain America. Still, apparently this conversation happens a lot:

BYSTANDER: “Thanks for saving us!”

SUPERHERO: “Just doing my duty.”

BYSTANDER: “So how did you get your superpowers? Gamma radiation? Super serum? Radioactive spider bite?”

SUPERHERO: “I was born with them.”

BYSTANDER: “AH! FILTHY MUTANT! I DISCRIMINATE AGAINST YOU!”

Finally, are really supposed to buy that the explanation for their powers is evolution? Is that how evolution works now? Animals just one day shoot lasers out their eyes? And explain to me the process where over thousands of years someone would be forced to evolve the ability to phase through solid material or control the weather. If you actually follow the evidence, a much more scientific and logical explanation for the X-Men’s powers is that they’re all possessed by evil demons.

Anyway, sign me up as a supporter for Senator Kelly’s next bill.

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Hollywood to the Rescue!

Thursday, December 23, 2010 11:01 am

Apparently Pelosi is seeking branding advice from Stephen Spielberg. And if you think Spielberg can’t sell awful things, remember that the U.S. gross for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was over $317 million. Then again, that did well for nostalgia for the previous successes, which liberals are pretty short on right now. This is more like how does one market M. Night Shyamalan next film so it’s a blockbuster. It’s pretty hard considering that after opening night everyone is going to know how hilariously bad it is. Seems like the logical strategy is to just give up.

Of course, I like MST3K and RiffTrax. If people didn’t make bad movies, what would they make fun of? And if liberals didn’t keep doing stupid things, what would I make fun of?

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, December 23, 2010 9:06 am

Man, thought I invented a new expression “sunshine and gravy” but found one other hit for it on Google. Internets!

When fascism comes to America, it will be called the “Free Hugs for Minority Orphans” Act.

When fascism comes to America, it will be driving a Prius.

When fascism comes to America, Thomas Frank will write a column explaining how it will make us more free.

So about when can we expect our nets to get more neutral?

I don’t want to generalize (yes I do!) but liberals seem to get more worked up about theoretical problems than actual problems.

To use the Coolidge analogy, they find it easier to focus on the problems they see coming down the road than the one running them over.

Anyway, not bad to focus on possible problems in the future as long as you realize most won’t need any solutions in the end.

This holiday season, scientists are setting up cameras to see if they can catch photographic evidence of someone celebrating Kwanzaa.

The only one who could correctly be labeled a “Holocaust Winner” is the little boy from Life is Beautiful.

To all of those still racially discriminating against people: Stop it! …Unless you have good reason.

I always give attention to the dog and ignore the cats, but I can’t anymore because of new Pet Neutrality legislation.

Oh, that was “Pet Neutering” legislation. Nevermind.

Really weird watching Boise play on a green field.

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Palin vs. Michelle

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 3:01 pm

If you’ve been watching Sarah Palin’s Alaska (and who doesn’t? Her family is adorable!), you may have seen Palin take a swipe at Michelle Obama and her no dessert policy.

It’s on!

So, choose your side. On one, you have Sarah Palin and dessert and on the other Michelle Obama and carrot sticks.

But before you decide, let me tell you that Huckabee is on the side of Michelle and against dessert. Of course, considering pictures I’ve seen of Huckabee from back when he was governor, that’s a position he’s waffled on. And then ate the waffle.

He was fat!

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Redistricting

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 1:02 pm

So redistricting is coming up soon, and there will be a decrease of about six representatives (and electoral votes) in blue states because places dominated by Democrats can be objectively judged as awful. Also, Republicans have most of the governors and state legislatures, so they’ll be doing most of the redistricting. So let’s just put that in our pocket.

Still, long term, I’m all for doing something America hasn’t done in a long long time and add more representatives. Lots more. Thousands more. So they represent closer to the number of people they used to when the country was started. Sure it will cost more money to pay all their salaries and stuff (pay cut!), but more people means more gridlock and that always saves us money in the end. It’s better representation plus more inaction!

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Net Neutrality or Net Awesomeness?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 11:01 am

If there is one thing people have been constantly clamoring about lately is that their net is not neutral enough.

Well, government control urged on by liberals to the rescue!

For a while, liberals have been complaining, “This net! It keeps taking sides!” Oddly enough, someone listened to them, and now the FCC is going to make the net neutral or something using the magic of government control. Which is good because everyone is always like, “Too much stuff is happening on the internet! We need government to slow it down. And make it neutral or something.” Lucky day!

So what’s going to happen? I don’t really know. What’s my opinion on it? I’m not really sure I’m supposed to have one with the new regulations on neutrality. Still, what could go wrong with more government interference on the internet? We all like long lines at the DMV because it gives us time to think, so even better to have long lines at Google or something. So let’s look forward to our more regulated, slower, and neutral future. Everything should be sunshine and gravy from here on!

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 9:09 am

I just realized that I’ve never had a McDonald’s hamburger. Cheeseburger, yes, but not hamburger. Why would you get a burger without cheese?

All I know about Net Neutrality is that the Kos kids keep going on about but no one else seems to care, which seems like all I need to know.

Some people think liberals are trying to make things like 1984, but that ridiculous as they could never limit themselves to two minutes of hate.

Didn’t everyone learn that higher taxes can mean less revenue from Sim City?

A big difference between the religious and atheists is that the religious tend to be more cognizant of their unprovable assumptions.

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lolterizt! Part 121

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 12:14 am

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


[reference link]

(Hat tip to Crapsorter for the pic)


From Larsinkima:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Jacob:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[Wizard of OZ reference - can't find the clip]

From Raving Lunatic:

From Travelwise42 of Wise Up:

From Turtle of Turtle’s Fun Club:

From Raving Lunatic:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Compassionate Liberalism

Tuesday, December 21, 2010 3:03 pm

Liberals have a great idea: Let’s take children’s toys and destroy them in front of them!

You know how conservatives tried that “compassionate conservatism” thing? With liberals and their over the top hatred for people who disagree with them like Sarah Palin and Tea Partiers, they’re desire to kill inconvenient babies, and how they like to take Happy Meals from children and now smash toys in front of them, do you think liberals will ever try out “compassionate liberalism”?

Yeah, I know: “Shut up, wingnut!”

Hey, I got something compassionate right here for your dumb monkey face!

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What Homeland Security Does on Its Day Off

Tuesday, December 21, 2010 1:02 pm

Janet Napolitano says the Department of Homeland Security is “working 24/7, 364 days a year to keep the American people safe.”

BTW, Palin is stupid.

So what is Homeland Security doing that one day a year they aren’t working to keep Americans safe? Here are some possibilities:

WHAT HOMELAND SECURITY DOES ON ITS DAY OFF

* Design elaborate death traps for Americans like in Saw.

* Groping practice.

* Work on a virulent superbug that could wipe out humanity.

* Help out terrorists to give them more challenge for the next year.

* Hold an office building hostage while they steal bearer bonds.

* Use all the personal information they’ve collected on Americans to do prank calls.

* Murder hobos.

* Rig Dancing with the Stars voting.

* Cause extremely hard to stop oil spills.

* Work to make sure Obama gets reelected.

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Year in Review

Tuesday, December 21, 2010 11:01 am

Here’s the Jib Jab year in review:

Wasn’t exactly a great year to start this decade. As a kid, I would have thought in 2010 we’d have bases on Mars, flying cars, and rocket boots, but instead even stopping an oil spill is too big a technological challenge. But we do have the iPad, which is pretty nifty.

I know some people are starting to worry that America’s awesome days are over, that will never be like the 80s again, but we got through the dark days of the 70s and we can do it again. Just we have a few players on the field who should be on the sidelines, but that’s not forever. In the new year, let’s work solely on awesomeness.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, December 21, 2010 9:12 am

Darth Vader would be a neat weatherman. “The forecast for tonight is SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!”

I think liberals without conservatives would be like random mutations without natural selection. You’d get weird, mishapen things.

Every bad conservative idea was once a liberal idea conservatives of that day didn’t properly crush.

“‘I swear you drive me to drink,’ I said to my wife as she dropped me off at the bar.”

So do some of you have a joke based on the phrase “Goonies never say die!” waiting for when one of the actors from The Goonies dies?

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Meh

Monday, December 20, 2010 11:01 am

I can’t think of anything to blog. A few things did happen in politics over the weekend, though, such as the tax bill passing, the DADT repeal passing, and DREAM act failing, but I don’t really have anything new to say about any of that. It was a bit fun, though, seeing the left screeching about the tax bill and no one caring (more Democrats in the House voted for it than Republicans).

Yeah, I’m looking at the news and I just can’t come up with anything. Usually I can force myself at least two topics a day, but nothing right now. Maybe I’m burnt out and ready for Christmas. Anyway, I’ll try again tomorrow. In the meantime, you can comment on any topic you’d like me to talk about.

And I’ll end with this:

Whatever happened to Herbert Powell from The Simpsons? That was Homer’s half-brother voiced by Danny DeVito from a second season episode who owned an auto company and then Homer ruined him. In the third season, Homer helped him become rich again… and we haven’t seen him since. That’s around eighteen or nineteen years missing.

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