By the way, I’m running for mayor of Chicago, too

Posted on December 28, 2010 8:02 am

Did you miss the news the other day?

The Chicago Board of Election Commissioners ruled that former Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel is a Chicago resident and can run for mayor.

Part of the problem is that Emanuel doesn’t actually live in Chicago. Hasn’t for a couple of years. He says he’s paid taxes there. And that whole selling his house thing? He wasn’t really selling it.

The Board, in true Chicago style, said that as long as Emanuel was planning on going back, he was a resident.

Which brings me to my point: I’ve been to Chicago. Spent days there. Drove the roads and paid the tolls … which are road taxes. Even been to a White Sox game. And plan to go back to see a Cubs game at Wrigley.

Like Rahm Emanuel, I’ve been to Chicago, paid taxes there, and plan to go back.

Therefore, I am a Chicago resident.

So, I’m running for mayor, too.

And, since it’s Chicago, I want everyone to register so you can vote for me. I mean, it’s Chicago. Dead people vote there all the time. I don’t see why being alive should disqualify you. Just tell them you’re a Democrat. That should cut through any red tape.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I’m elected mayor of Chicago. I suppose I should think up some campaign promises or something. I mean, it’s what people running for office do, right?

Here are some of the things I’ve come up with:

  • Rename US Cellular Field to Cominskey Park.
  • Daily contests between Lou Malnati’s and Pizzeria Uno’s for best Original Chicago Style Pizza.
  • Every holiday gets a massacre. St. Valentine’s Day has ridden that gravy train for too long!
  • Oprah has to give cars to everybody.
  • Lake Michigan is renamed Happy Fun Lake and is declared off-limits to Canada.

I’m looking for more ideas. When I’m elected mayor, I’ll have jobs for everyone who submits ideas and otherwise contributes to the campaign. As mayor of Chicago, I’ll be able to do that.

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35 Responses to “By the way, I’m running for mayor of Chicago, too”

  1. Iowa Jim says:

    Lake Michigan is renamed Happy Fun Lake and is declared off-limits to Canada.

    Uh, Lake Michigan is already off-limits to Canada, at least in the sense that it’s the only one of the Great Lakes that doesn’t have a border with Canada, and therefore has no part that is Canadian territory.

  2. Ivan Ivanovich says:

    “off-limits to Canada”?
    WTF, have you looked at a map lately? There is no border with Canada near Lake Michigan. I’m going to run and throw you under the bus.

  3. iowahawk says:

    Got my vote! It would be pretty awesome to rename the Cell as “Cominskey” instead of Comiskey, but then again I’m a Northsider. To placate the Sox fans, you could let them rename Wrigley as “the World’s Largest Outdoor Gay Bar”

  4. ussjimmycarter says:

    We have your back up here in MN. Lake Superior and The Lake of The Woods are off-limits to Canadians! We shoot them and then claim we thought they were a bear or something and the game warden always goes “no big deal, they were just Canadians, you are free to go”… I’d like to be Chicago’s budget manager please. I’m an expert at skull duggary and will see that no money is wasted as all excess cash will be redirected to a special account that I will setup!

  5. Bratgirl says:

    I’ve been to Chicago. I ate a pizza so I probably paid taxes on it. I’ll be your Vice-Mayor. I’ll read up on geography. I’ll be a big help to you in that regard. All I want in return is Pizzaria Uno once a month. Two beers on the side.

  6. DamnCat says:

    As a down-stater I’d like to request that you please secede from the state if Illinois.

  7. Sulamie says:

    I am from Chicago. My husband is from Chicago. Never mind that we moved to CA 15 years ago – our families are still there, we hate the pizza here (and everywhere else – Chicago pizza is the ONLY pizza), we still worship Michael Jordan – in other words, we’re Chicagoans and always will be. So please know you have our votes. And we’ll be sure to trick our die-hard Chicago Democrat families into thinking you’re related to the Daley family somehow, so you can count on all of their votes as well.

  8. Sulamie says:

    Oh and btw – Lou Malnati’s delivers pizza on dry ice EVERYWHERE (even CA!) It’s expensive as all-heck, but sooooooo worth it!

  9. storm1911 says:

    I’ve had a Pizzaria Uno in Chicago, and stayed the night at a hotel as well. Make me police cheif. As a fellow Georgian I know you will agree Chicage needs Georgia style gun and self defense laws. Improve the city in no time. Bonus…lots of bribes. Freedom for all and I’ll get rich.

  10. coldguy says:

    If there’s two things we know Chicagoans love its city-wide fires and da Bears. So lets set the Bears on fire and set them loose in the city. GO PACK!!

  11. Amor de Cosmos says:

    Doesn’t Obama live there? Could you get him to run so he can get some experience running things?

  12. Bantha_Fodder says:

    I was in Chicago twice, once for New Years ’95 and then again later in ’95 for a 8-hour lay-over for a connecting flight into D.C.
    I had some food, drank a LOT of beer, and if my flight plans dictate, i will be back again.
    I could be your token minority staff person, “Chief Departamental Management Engineer” would be nice. Basically, I would just pay some illegals to come and clean your toilets.

  13. Burmashave says:

    Basil, I’ll give you one vote for each no-show job you get me. Google maps informs me that Chicago would be an 11 1/2 hour drive, so the no-show aspect will be key.

  14. Mr. M says:

    Giving out jobs huh? Well, you will need a guy who can handle all the work that comes with giving out jobs. It is really different in Chicago then anywhere else, so you will probably need to give me the job of Job Coordinator. Now, in Georgia people probably get jobs by applying for them, and if they have the most qualifications out of everyone who applied, they get the job. Not so in Chicago. There you have to buy your jobs. As you know some jobs are big f****ing deals, so let me worry about setting and collecting prices for those jobs. I am a great salesman after all.

  15. Burmashave says:

    Did no.’s 1 and 2 miss the irony? But seriously, we should name it Happy Fun Lake, if by “Fun” you mean “Gun.” Lake Michigan has been demilitarized for almost 200 years. It is high time that we station weapons on a lake that is rightfully ours. Canada attacked us once. How can we be sure they’re not arming (Forces Canadiennes) right now? I say we tap Aqua Buddha to lead squadrons of aqua-dinosaurs (the ones with flippers and big pointy teeth), and arm said dino’s with under water missiles for use against potential Canadian marauders.

  16. Joe Schmo says:

    Alright, count me in too. I’ve carried a sack of quarters and driven through the tool booths from the north to the south of Chicago. I’ve also paid the tax on a pizza from Pizzeria Uno.

    Put me in charge of the department of voter fraud. I’ll see if we can out fraud the Democrats. I think the key swing vote will be the dead people. If I can get them to stop voting Democrat and vote Republican, you should be a sinch to win.

  17. Burmashave says:

    While I’m at it, Chicago was the site of possibly the greatest military make work project in US history. In 1892, Chicago built a full sized, fully armed US battleship made out of bricks. Needless to say (although I will say it), its ability to patrol Lake Michigan was severely limited.

  18. hwy93 says:

    To promote culture and history you could remove all regulation of the Chicago Typewriter and mandate that every citizen over 18 carry one at all times. After a short “adjustment period”, Chicago will be known as the most polite and crime free city in the world.

  19. Sparky says:

    I have flown into Chicago and slept on a couple of the school room floors while doing volunteer work there. Therefore, they owe me the job of handing out liquor licenses as I can think of no other position so ripe for bribery, I mean cooperation fees.

    I agree with the need to police the shores of Lake Michigan against the threat of attacking Canadians – you just can’t trust anyone who would eat poutine and Tim Horton’s.

  20. Sparky says:

    Also…as a St. Louisan, I would rename the Cubs “The Cardinals are the Greatest and We Suck”.

  21. Iowa Jim says:

    you just can’t trust anyone who would eat poutine and Tim Horton’s

    Actually, it’s spelled without the apostrophe, even though Tim Horton, a hockey player whom I remember was one of the two founders. Another reason that you can’t trust them.

  22. Iowa Jim says:

    insert a comma after “remember” in the previous post.

  23. SmakDaddy says:

    I’ll only believe in your pizza opinion AFTER you’ve eaten at Giordono’s (http://www.giordanos.com/), and still feel the same way. I can tell you’ve not eaten there as of yet, otherwise you’d be as sure as I am that the best Chicago-style pizza was not Lou Malnati’s or Pizzeria Uno’s – each equally good pizza restaurants, but not equal to Giordono’s Pizza.

    And, no, I’m not affiliated with them nor do I live in Chicago. I’m just a lover of pizza, and another qualified mayoral candidate for the Windy City.

  24. bitterclinger says:

    I’ve only been to Chicago itself once, but I spent 8 cold, miserable weeks a few miles north of there back in ’93/’94. Even went to New Cominsky back when it was New Cominsky. If you’re looking to add someone to the ticket to sew up the fat, lazy, alcoholic Polack vote, then I’m your guy.

    BTW, if Rahm Emanuel paid his taxes in Chicago, doesn’t that mean that the Obama administration has lost its only member that actually PAID taxes?

  25. Terry_Jim says:

    Declaring Lake Michigan “off limits to Canada” is the kind of common-sense foreign policy strategery you’d expect from a Mayoral candidate.

    It’s as stupid as a nuclear arms treaty with Russia
    instead of dealing with nukes in countries like Pakistan and North Korea.

    Besides, posting hundreds of “DO NOT TAUNT HAPPY FUN LAKE.” signs would be an ideal Chicago government program with lots of opportunities for grafts and kickbacks.

    “Happy Fun Ball Lake contains a liquid core, which,
    if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.”

    Vote Basil, for da Mayor.

  26. 4of7 says:

    Promise to keep the Asian Carp from invading Lake Michigan, and I’ll buy a campaign bumper sticker.
    http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/24/carp-pocalypse-the-great-lakes-asian-carp-invasion-begins/

  27. RAML says:

    You really need to work on Second Amendment up there, maybe overcompensate and mandate gun ownership.

  28. Kent says:

    I live near Chicago, so here’s a few suggestions…

    Get the scrap-piles-of-metal that pass as sculptures out of the city, and any other artwork created by people with the talent of 5 year olds that have political connections.
    Remove the alien mothership from Soldier Field.
    Rename Millennium Park to It Took A Damn Millennium To Build Park.
    The next time they have a rally for Obama, turn Cloverfield loose.
    Have Mistake on the Lake as the official motto until they vote Republican

  29. Anniee451 says:

    Basil for Mayor!!! Woohoo!! That means in 2012 you can be chief of staff, right? For Palin!

    I’m registering and voting often and early, for sure :)

  30. Son of Bob says:

    Silly Basil. No, you’re not a member of the communist ruling class, rules apply to you.

  31. Jimmy says:

    Yeah, Basil, Bubba Clinton was told to “shut up” regarding Chicago’s mayoral race by two of its black candidates lest he “thwart the legitimate political aspirations of Chicago’s Black community.” (Is that any way to treat our FIRST black president?)

    So, just what do you think you’re doing?

    Instead, come to Washington and run for Governor!!!

  32. KerryB says:

    Not sure if I shared this story here or not but…

    I used to live in Chicago and was a registered voter. After I moved across the border, those crooked SOBs sent me a reminder to get out and vote – to my new address in Indiana. Not forwarded, mind you. It actually had the correct address on it. I would have taken them up on the invitation but my votes never counted for much in that donkey pit. So Basil, if you decide to run, all that’s left for me to do is register a couple more times.

    Also, I must say that as I have to partially agree with SmakDaddy on the pizza thing. Giordanos is awesome – but I think it’s topped by Gino’s.

    Go Cubs!

  33. Plentyobailouts says:

    Basil, why would you want to return to such a cesspool like obamistan. Why not have a little ambition and claim residency in newyork and become a senator. Same thieving communists, same stench, but more money.

  34. Sulamie says:

    #23 – We grew up near a Giordano’s and used to bike there (before we could drive). That is my husband’s favorite! Whenever we go visit family, he HAS to have that…..and White Castle. R U familiar with Sliders? Chicagoans eat ‘em by the dozen! In fact I’ll throw in several hundred as a campaign contribution to Basil, along with a couple-a (that’s Chicagoease, btw) stuffed pizzas of his choice.

  35. Lewis says:

    In addition to Uno’s and Lou Malnati’s, the best pizza contest most certainly should include Giordano’s.

    And Edwardo’s!

    http://edwardos.com/

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