Did you miss the news the other day?
The Chicago Board of Election Commissioners ruled that former Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel is a Chicago resident and can run for mayor.
Part of the problem is that Emanuel doesn’t actually live in Chicago. Hasn’t for a couple of years. He says he’s paid taxes there. And that whole selling his house thing? He wasn’t really selling it.
The Board, in true Chicago style, said that as long as Emanuel was planning on going back, he was a resident.
Which brings me to my point: I’ve been to Chicago. Spent days there. Drove the roads and paid the tolls … which are road taxes. Even been to a White Sox game. And plan to go back to see a Cubs game at Wrigley.
Like Rahm Emanuel, I’ve been to Chicago, paid taxes there, and plan to go back.
Therefore, I am a Chicago resident.
So, I’m running for mayor, too.
And, since it’s Chicago, I want everyone to register so you can vote for me. I mean, it’s Chicago. Dead people vote there all the time. I don’t see why being alive should disqualify you. Just tell them you’re a Democrat. That should cut through any red tape.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I’m elected mayor of Chicago. I suppose I should think up some campaign promises or something. I mean, it’s what people running for office do, right?
Here are some of the things I’ve come up with:
- Rename US Cellular Field to Cominskey Park.
- Daily contests between Lou Malnati’s and Pizzeria Uno’s for best Original Chicago Style Pizza.
- Every holiday gets a massacre. St. Valentine’s Day has ridden that gravy train for too long!
- Oprah has to give cars to everybody.
- Lake Michigan is renamed Happy Fun Lake and is declared off-limits to Canada.
I’m looking for more ideas. When I’m elected mayor, I’ll have jobs for everyone who submits ideas and otherwise contributes to the campaign. As mayor of Chicago, I’ll be able to do that.