In My World: Hostage Takers

President Obama answered the phone. “Hello?”

“This is the Republicans,” answered a distorted a voice. “We have someone you might want to talk to.”

On the line was a new voice. “I’m a middle class tax payer! The Republicans have taken me hostage!” she said unconvincingly. “They say they’ll raise my taxes too if taxes are raised on the rich and won’t extend my unemployment! I am very scared! Please do help me and do whatever the Republicans want!”

The Republican came back on the line. “So, to show you we’re serious–”

“I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!” Obama screamed.

There was a long pause on the phone. “Really?”

“Yes; whatever. Just write it down, and I’ll do it.”

“Oh… okay. Cool.”

Obama hung up the phone and announced, “We’re doing whatever the Republicans want.”

“Why?” one of his aides asked.

“Because they have the middle class hostage… or something.”

“No they don’t,” the aide said. “We still have the majority and they don’t have any leverage. Their hostage was probably just Michelle Bachman acting. We can defeat them if–”

“Whatever you’re proposing sounds hard,” Obama interrupted, “and my tee time is coming up soon.”

“Fine. But you’re going to really anger the left-wing,” the aide said.

“We’re really angry!” screeched a high pitch voice.

Obama looked down to see the left-wing down at this feet, shaking their tiny fists up at him.

“We’re going to challenge you in the primary!” the left-wing shrieked.

“Sure you are.” Obama grabbed a wastebasket and overturned it over the left-wing, trapping them inside. “There, I took care of them.”

The left-wing banged their tiny fists on the wastebasket. “Lets us out!”

“I’ll do it later,” Obama told them, “and then you’ll be so grateful to me.” He turned to his aide. “So just write me up some speech saying the Republicans are hostage takers and I had to give in to their demands — but mention that terrorists shouldn’t learn anything from that. And then add that thing we’re always mindlessly repeating about how tax cuts creating jobs.”

“Republicans are the ones that say that.”

“Whatever. Just use it. And add that though we didn’t defeat the rich today, we’ll do it one day and make sure no one has money. Off to play golf!” He then left the room.

“We hate him now!” the left screeched.

The aide kicked the wastebasket. “Shut up! No one cares!”

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  1. I saw a list the other day that had all these excerpts that have slipped out from Obamas mind

    -bitterly clinging to guns and bibles
    -typical white person
    -police acting stupidly
    -hostage takers

    etc. etc.

    The whole list really was very telling. I have had some very nice friends come back from colleges extremely radicalized but to see it from a “grown man” who is also the president of the United States. What @#$@ is going on here?


  2. I know exactly how Barry feels. When I was a kid there was a nefarious group of thugs called “grown-ups” who used to hold my dessert hostage until I finished eating my vegetables. Sounds like Barry has come up against the same gang.


  3. Have any of you had your desert held hostage by grown ups when you were a kid? Like DamnCat and I had to endure? There’s no doubt my barely suppressed raging anger emanates from that wanton cruelty. Yeah, they made us suffer unspeakable suffering of eating ALL our veggies and instead of making it better with a tub of ice cream or a whole pie, all we got was one scoop of ice cream or one slice of pie! Hell, they acted like they were oh so generous if they let us have one piece of pie with a scoop of ice cream! Really!

    Freedom for The Ice Cream and Pies NOW!


  4. I also ran into the set of oppressors called “grown ups” and ….. they were “predominantly” white. Just an observation.


  5. I scream for pi. Don’t get me started, Proud Infidel.

    But yeah! My Mom (bless her dementia’d soul) used to make us eat baked Hubbard squash before going out Trick-or-Treating on Halloween!! Worse than waterboarding. I used to eat a few bites and turn mine over and squish it down to make it look eaten. She never bought that trick.

    Of course, today, I love all squashes – and potatoes. Mmmmmm. Potatoes….


  6. Actually, I loved the veggies they made me eat. I was the only kid in the block who looked forward to eating spinach and brocoli. My friends loved it if I came over to eat dinner ’cause they figured they could pass the veggies to me on the sly and I’d make them disappear. However, the mothers eventually wised up to the scheme and put an end to my veggie scam. Curses!


  7. Obama is not an American. If he was, he would have seen all teh old movies and have known to ask the hostage-takers to send him a finger. What a loser.


  8. Death to broccoli! Death to spinach! Death the great Satan known as peas!

    Behead all those who insist there are other tasty vegetables aside from sweet corn!


  9. Up with broccoli! Up with spinach! Up with the lord of peas!

    And crown thy hood with brotherhood from spud to shining spud.

    And bless the warm, sweet soil in which he and his butternut squash brethren do grow.

    But down with corn!! (It depletes the soil too much.)

    Take that… you… you… Russian!

    (I hate winter)


  10. What’s the deal with crappy Presidents and hostage problems?

    Does anyone think it bothers him in the least to stand before America and say such asinine things, like just a little bit. I’d think he must be thinking please don’t start sweating profusely as I delver such an erroneous analogy…again. Or maybe he’s just happy this analogy doesn’t include a car this time.



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