Archive for January, 2011

Axe Cop

Monday, January 31, 2011 5:02 pm

Finally started reading Axe Cop, and it is very worth one’s time. It really makes me think we need more things written by five year olds to keep plots being too predictable. And certainly a five year old couldn’t do any worse than the script for the last Transformers movie.

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Why the Left Thinks Everyone Is Far Right

Monday, January 31, 2011 1:02 pm

The left seem pretty disconnected from the majority of Americans these days. Like remember how they were attacking the Arizona law on illegal immigrants like it was a far right thing and the same for people not wanting a mosque at Ground Zero? But both of those had like 70% support and were clearly centrist, yet the left seemed convinced they were far right ideas.

I thought I’d illustrate why the left has such trouble perceiving the actual center of American politics. There aren’t white boards in blogs, though, so I just drew something on my iPad really quick. Yeah, I know I put the “Far Right” on the left and the “Far Left” on the right, but for some reason that seemed more logical in the illustration… Know what; I don’t have to explain myself to you. Anyway, here’s the illustration:

It’s a very accurate drawing I made using Science!.

Right now, the politically active left — journalist, pundits, most of the the politicians — are just way out there. So this is why FOX News looks so far right, because it is to the far right — of them. Like it’s way more far right than any other news media because it actually acknowledges the other side at all.

See, the left likes to think the center is near them, but it’s not even close these days according to polling. They actually group the real political center with the far right — because, again, it’s all quite far to the right of them. Lately, none of their ideas have been very popular and they scream and get angry at the far right — which is most Americans who are far to the right of them.

I also put Sarah Palin on my illustration. She is to the right of center, but she’s still about ten times closer to the center than the editorial staff of the New York Times. The left attack Palin all the time on her intelligence and for the maps she draws, but can you even think of the last time they attacked her because of her politics? They can’t because she’s actually pretty close to the center… unlike the left who are way out there with unpopular ideas.

Anyway, the point is what the left consider to be far right is actually the politics of most Americans. I guess one day we need to help them realize they’re the crazy, extremist weirdos, but I’m not sure how to do that. Maybe grab them and shake them while yelling at them. People seem to understand yelling better when they’re shaken.

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What Happened to Unashamed Dictators?

Monday, January 31, 2011 11:01 am

So when the protests started in Egypt, their internet suddenly cut out. When the Egyptian embassy was asked why, they said that maybe a cleaner accidentally unplugged it.

You notice how pretty much no one in the world is willing to be an unapologetic dictator anymore? I mean, back in the day, you would have a leader say, “I unplugged the internet because I’m a dictator and I can do what I want!” But the concept of democracy has won over so much that even dictators feel ashamed of themselves and need to come up with lame excuses for their oppression even if no one would actually believe them. Like even Saddam Hussein felt the need to hold sham elections; what happened to dictators who just said, “I’m in charge and I’ll always be in charge. I’m a dictator; I do what I want!”

It reminds me a lot of hugely liberal journalists who like pretend their unbiased. Yeah, the bias is bad, but it would at least be nice if the journalist was honest about it instead of pretending it away. Same for dictators; why can’t they just be forthright about their dictatorness anymore? Honesty, people.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, January 31, 2011 9:00 am

So Obama will answer the phone at 3am, he just won’t necessarily say or do anything afterwards.

Buttercup laughs at my jokes, but it’s just because I’m looking at her and talking. She appreciates me on the same level people appreciate Dane Cook.

I’ve yet to come up with anything interesting to say about Egypt. I’ll keep working on it.

Buttercup is sure getting chatty. I haven’t seen someone speak so much to little purpose since Olbermann went off the air.

Can you make a Living Will contingent on whether a zombie apocalypse occurs while you’re in a coma?

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Question of the Day

Friday, January 28, 2011 3:02 pm

So what do you think Obama’s reelection chances are right now? It will depend a bit on who the GOP candidate is, but I’d like to think Obama’s chances are already pretty dim. It’s well established he’s a useless idiot, so hopefully come election time people will want someone who it’s possible isn’t an useless idiot. Still, lots of people think if the economy improves some he’ll get reelection easy because Obama is all likable and stuff.

What do you think?

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Why Liberals Allow Themselves to Like Dead Conservatives

Friday, January 28, 2011 1:01 pm

We’re reaching the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and it’s interesting how even President Obama can speak fondly of him now. It’s a bit counterintuitive that liberals seem to start to like conservatives after their dead. You’d think the longer a conservative was dead, the even more conservative he’d seem in comparison to today and the more he’d be hated, but liberal hate of conservatives is not a policy difference, it’s an emotional one.

Like if you remember when Palin first came on the scene: Liberals knew instantly they hated her because she was a threat politically and reasons came later. It’s an “us versus them” mentality that comes from not keeping politics in perspective, but after the politician dies and they no longer have this emotional feel the person is a direct threat and an enemy. With the emotions gone, they can then look at the person as an actual human being. This will happen with any conservatives that liberals hate today for non-coherent reasons. For example, “Bush lied, people died” is not a meaningful statement that is going to last many years, and we can expect in the future liberals to recognize all the good qualities in Bush that they refused to let themselves see while he was president… maybe even while he’s still alive since he’s stayed out of politics and isn’t seen as a threat.

Anyway, no real point, but I just thought it was interesting. We like to think politics is about the issues, but so much of it is pretty meaningless and just the same mentality as really liking one sports team and hating another. And we can come up with the reasons later.

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New White House Press Secretary

Friday, January 28, 2011 11:01 am

So the new White House Press Secretary has been announced, and we here at IMAO wish him luck. It won’t be an easy job. For instance, people are going to ask why when the country is out of money does Obama keep proposing more spending as a solution. There are three reasonable answers to that I can think of:

1. Obama doesn’t really care about jobs or the economy.
2. Obama is an idiot who doesn’t understand how the economy works.
3. Obama is secretly a Muslim terrorist who is trying to destroy the country from the inside.

Now, as White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney can’t use any of those answers. Instead he has to babble on about jobs “saved or created” even though there are only about seven people left in the country who doesn’t find that phrase laughable.

Here’s my idea, though: An M84 stun grenade. You may know it as a “flashbang” from Call of Duty and other video games. It makes a loud bang while issuing a blinding flash, causing both temporary blindness and deafness in people nearby. If Carney gets a real tough question about Obama’s stupidity that he can’t think of any response, just throw one into the press room. When people’s sight and hearing come back, maybe they’ll have forgotten what the question was in the first place. Thought I guess this has the potential of making things even more awkward.

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Random Thoughts

Friday, January 28, 2011 9:16 am

Where did the phrase “arts and sciences” come from? Why in the world would we group those two things together? “Mom, can I have more money for math and comic books? …No? Why do you hate math?”

Saw a poll asking whether people would want to cut funding for “arts and sciences”. Bet would be different if the two were separated.

So is Herman Cain a real candidate with a chance in the primaries? I’d kind of like a business focused candidate who isn’t Romney.

If we didn’t have the internet, where would we store all our snark?

Now that I’m a father, I seem to be vulnerable to emotions again. I thought I left those back in my childhood.

If someone needs an anti-Mike Pence slogan, here’s a free one: “Pence is a ponce!”

For a pro-Mike Pence slogan: “Mike Pence – Makes Sense”

I’m boycotting CPAC this year. You probably won’t notice since I’ve never been to any of the previous ones.

Maybe it’s because I saw it second, I found the British Office more awkward, less funny. Didn’t really get it.

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Catapults

Friday, January 28, 2011 7:54 am

According to reports, Mexican drug smugglers are using catapults to fling marijuana into the U.S.

National Guard troops operating a remote video surveillance system at the Naco Border Patrol Station observed several people south of the International Boundary Fence preparing a catapult and launching packages over the International Border fence, according to U.S. Customs and Border Protection.

This sounds like some Mythbusters episode. And, it sort of was. It was 5½ years ago and the episode was Border Slingshot:

Can illegal immigrants fire themselves 200 yards across the border and into the United States with a slingshot so accurate that it can land the human projectiles safely on a carefully placed mattress?

So, why have we gone from shooting Mexicans across the border to shooting pot across the border?

Economics. With the current job market, there is a bigger demand for pot than there is for Mexicans. We don’t need as many Mexicans to do crappy jobs. We have pothead Americans that will do that.

But, the slingshot, catapult, or trebuchet could be used in another way. So far, it’s only been used to send things into the U.S. Why not use it to send things out of the U.S.?

Useless things. Like what, you ask?

  • Obama.
  • People that voted for Obama.
  • Season nine of “Dallas” (if you are my age, you’re still pissed about that).
  • The ending of LOST.
  • Kos.
  • MSNBC.
  • Dennis Kucinich.
  • Harry Reid.
  • The New York Times.
  • Yappy little rat-dogs.
  • Oprah.
  • Julian Assange.
  • Janet Napolitano.
  • Al Sharpton.
  • David Duke.
  • Cecil Newton.
  • Liberals.
  • Ron Paul.
  • Ron Paul supporters.
  • Meghan McCain.
  • The weird chick from the Progressive commercials.
  • The Geico Gecko.
  • Any Aflac commercial that doesn’t have either Earl Billings or R. Lee Ermey in it.
  • People that call soccer “football.” (Yes, I know, and I don’t care.)
  • Berkeley, California.
  • Most of the rest of California.
  • Moderates.

We don’t have to fire them into Mexico. We could fire them into Canada. Or the ocean. Or, if the slingshot is powerful enough, back to their boyhood home. The landing might be a little rough, though. Be sure to bring a pillow, Barack.

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Predicting One Hundred Years in the Future

Thursday, January 27, 2011 3:02 pm

Here’s a prediction of what 2011 will be like made by Thomas Edison in 1911. Apparently, it was an all metal future to him. Your chairs will be made of metal. Your house will be made of metal. Your books will be made of metal. Sandwiches, children, lawn — all metal. Also, he thought we’d be transmuting gold fairly regularly, but our alchemy skill have been kinda disappointing in the past century.

Anyway, it’s easy to make fun, but I guess I should try this out. Here are my predictions for 2111:

* All phones will be so small and so light that they’ll actually be lighter than air and float way, meaning phone calls will rarely be answered.

* Selecting people for anything — be it political office, jury duty, job in the mail room — will be done via reality TV shows.

* Saying anything over 140 characters in length will have you imprisoned by our robot overlords.

* Zombies will evolve into extremely fast moving creatures and zombie races will replace dog races.

* Movies will consist of so much CGI action happening at once that they’ll be completely incomprehensible to the human mind. And be in 3D.*

* College will be so expensive and so useless that half the world’s GDP will go towards paying student loans and people will need at least a masters to work at Arby’s.

* Everyone will have with them little computers which will hold every book, song, TV show, and movie ever made, though 99% of the time they’ll be used to play Angry Birds.

* Girls will go crazy for singing stars like Justin Bieber with more and more hair on their head until the most popular tweener idol is Cousin It.

* Government will grow so large and be so expansive that we only get one dollar each to spend and the rest of our money will go towards unneeded bridges named after Senators

* Blankets will evolve to not only have sleeves, but eventually pants legs and pockets and buttons and zippers. By 2111, “blanket” will be just another word for “clothes”.

* TV news will consist entirely of just putting up a picture of whoever the hated conservative of the day is accompanied by incoherent screeching.

* The country will be run by a clean, articulate self-reading teleprompter.

What do you think 2111 will be like?

* This may have already happened. I tend to avoid movie theaters these days.

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Kucinich and the Olive Pit

Thursday, January 27, 2011 1:03 pm

Dennis Kucinich is suing the operators of the congressional cafeteria for a $150,000 dollars. Why? Because he bit into an olive pit. How does one do $150,000 in damage in one bite? Well, you’ve never see Kucinich eat; that guy chomps crazy! I mean full force into every bite; it scares people. That’s why he always sits alone in the cafeteria.

Kucinich’s titled his own website, “America’s most courageous congressman”, and certainly no other congressman is courageous enough to take on the cafeteria staff out of fear of getting their food spit in. But they already spit in Kucinich’s food; the man has nothing to lose. No one goes from garden gnome to congressman just to be felled by an olive pit. Everyone in his way: Watch out!

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New Ways Homeland Security Will Alert Us

Thursday, January 27, 2011 11:04 am

The Homeland Security color-coded alert levels are going away. I thought it was well-established what those meant, but I guess we only really ever used the yellow and orange levels so it was kind of pointless.

So how will Homeland Security alert us to imminent terror attacks now? Here are some of their ideas:

NEW WAYS HOMELAND SECURITY WILL ALERT US

* Alert levels, instead of being coded by color, will be coded by smell.

* Robots will warn us of when a terror attack is about to happen by failing their arms wildly and shouting, “Danger, America! Danger!”

* The music playing will tell us the terror alert levels. If it’s smooth jazz, things are okay. If it’s Black-eyed Peas, we’re all about to die… or at least we’ll want to.

* We’ll be alerted by dogs barking. If lots of dogs are barking, something’s probably up.

* We’ll get text messages. “ohnoes!! terr!”

* Alerts of terror attacks will be done by lanterns in a steeple. One if by bomb, two if by anthrax.

* Every day (except Sundays and soon Saturdays) the postman will drop in your mailbox a pamphlet on just how scared to be.

* If an attack is happening, Homeland Security people will run house to house pounding on doors yelling, “Terror! Terror!”

* Terror alerts will be coded into newspaper ads and articles. To find them, just tape a bunch of newspapers to your walls and circle everything that looks like a pattern.

* We’ll find out about terror through the news and stuff.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, January 27, 2011 9:02 am

Obama’s policies will make the future a Kobayashi Maru – completely unwinnable!

When you win the future, don’t go spending it all in one epoch.

Go, Dog! Go! was my favorite book as a little kid. Just got it delivered from Amazon and read it to Buttercup. You know how you remember some things fondly but they’re a disappointed when you see them again as an adult? Not the case with Go, Dog! Go!

What’s the chance in Fringe that one day Walter will have a delusion of giant floating text telling him where he is?

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Ignorance Is Yummy

Wednesday, January 26, 2011 3:07 pm

So one of the most devastating pieces of information that has come out of Wikileaks is what Taco Bell “seasoned beef” really is. It’s only 35% beef and the rest is stuff like water, isolated oat product, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, anti-dusting agent, autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch, and sodium phosphate. Now, you’re probably saying it’s good they put an anti-dusting agent in it because you wouldn’t want it collecting dust when they leave it out on counter for days, but the rest of the stuff is a little disturbing. And that’s why people are suing Taco Bell to change the name of their seasoned beef to something more accurate like “meat-flavored oatmeal”.

Just like with national security secrets, I come down firmly saying these are things the public just doesn’t need to know. We understand something is off with fast food — no one has ever cooked a burger in their homes that even slightly resembled a McDonald’s hamburger — but it’s tasty and it’s cheap and that’s all we really need to know. Will knowing what a chicken nugget is actually composed of make us safer? No, it will only make us more afraid. As long as the FDA ensures these things won’t kill me too quickly, all we really need to know about what we shove down our pie hole is that it is salty and tasty. And if it eventually mutates us over time into vampires, we kinda figured we were going there one way or another anyway.

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Obama Going After Guns?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011 1:02 pm

We thought we smacked Obama on the nose enough that even though he obviously wants to take all our guns he won’t even dare mention gun control, but indications are that he’s soon going to try to use Tucson to pass some law. It will probably blow up in his face as do most of his proposals, but why can’t we get ahead of this? The gun control people don’t know much about guns, so maybe we should try to plant the seed of an idea of what laws to pass.

“You know what we could ban that criminals love but a common citizen would never need: High-capacity barrels – gun barrels that hold ten or more bullets at once.”

The important thing is that most of us 2nd Amendment supporters will have to act like it’s an outrage, yelling stuff like, “No! That’s destroying our freedom! Founding Fathers mad!”

And then when Obama passes it, he’ll rub his hands together greedily and say, “Ha! Now I takes your nasty freedoms! Hee hee hee!”

But we’ll secretly be laughing at him — as we usually are when we aren’t laughing openly.

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Win the Future!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:02 am

Obama says we must win the future. This is obvious. We should not be future losers. But the way Obama says we should win the future is to build high-speed rails, make cleaner energy, and make selling salmon less complicated. Needless to say, the future Obama is proposing we win is a BORING STUPID FUTURE! I propose we win a much better future. Here is how:

HOW TO WIN THE FUTURE

* Make jet packs cheap and available (or, alternatively, rocket boots).

* Hit the giant enemy crab in its weak points for massive damage.

* Nuke the moon.

* Build giant robots.

* Make sure the next generation’s kung fu is strong.

* Capture the golden snitch.

* Attach frickin’ lasers beams to the head of the salmon.

* Get a point multiplier for double the future points.

* Build a high-speed rail gun.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, January 26, 2011 9:05 am

For all this talk about the SOTU, what’s the chance of anything useful coming out of it?

Obama’s SOTU speech was nothing but hidden messages urging violence.

I enjoy NBC’s three hours of comedy Thursday with its two non-contiguous hours of laughs.

I hope to one day win an Oscar for best unsupportive actor.

I’m still confused; what is Obama saying is the Sputnik here? Like, is an actual Sputnik thing going to spur us to innovate, or is this more of an imaginary Sputnik? Or is the Sputnik inside all of us? Or was Bruce Willis Sputnik all along?

Has there always been that big “No Biting!” sign on the wall in the House chamber, or is that a new addition?

Why is Biden choking on his sock? How did that even get in his mouth?

Are high speed rails rails we fire at high speeds into our enemies?

I think the effectiveness of the speech will be based on how closely he stuck to empty platitudes.

You have ten more minutes to comment on the State of the Union speech, and then, as usual, we’ll never mention it again.

Maybe it’s just been on too many seasons, but the philosophical discussion each patient spurs in House are seeming more and more artificial.

Thought Obama’s speech was empty, Ryan’s was pretty good and short, and Bachman’s was distracting. Didn’t watch any of them. The Veronica Mars episode my wife had on was so-so, though.

Thanks to CW quickly congealing on Twitter, maybe I can avoid ever directly listening to a politician ever again.

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lolbama! Part 56

Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:14 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Me (Harvey) [hat tip Laurie]:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From me (Harvey)[hat tip Kris]:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link (rated TV-14 for graphic cartoon violence)]

From Kris:

From Travelwise42:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From Matt:

From Kris:

From Turtle:

From Eric:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with [Hat Tip: JB]:

It’s Obama gawking at something in a GE plant in Schenectady, NY last week.

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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This Is Why I Don’t Like Monkeys

Tuesday, January 25, 2011 3:01 pm

So an escaped monkey was caught in Japan — after it bit one hundred and twenty people. Just try and imagine that — one hundred and twenty people it just walked up and bit. This is a monkey that must have spent all its days and nights hunting down people to bite them. It was just absolutely in love with the thought of biting people.

This is something we luckily don’t have to deal with in the U.S. For one, we don’t have any native monkeys to North America because the Founding Fathers wisely shot them all. Secondly, we have guns. Some countries think all the guns we have in America makes us uncivilized, but tell me what sounds more civilized: Carrying a gun or getting constantly bit by monkeys? Why do you think we invented guns? IT WAS SO MONKEYS WOULD STOP BITING US!

And doesn’t this undermine your whole perception of Japan? Usually people think of Japan as almost this advanced race with technology and gadgets far beyond what we have. And they get bit by monkeys. Maybe you guys need to work less on computers and robots and more on getting monkeys to stop biting you.

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State of the Union Tonight

Tuesday, January 25, 2011 1:02 pm

Tonight Obama is going to be on TV talking; it must be a Tuesday!

Actually, tonight is the State of the Union address which is supposed to be special or something but can we really pretend Obama talking is going to be of any actual interest. I’m certainly not going to watch it; I mean no one pays me to do this so I don’t see the point. Also, they’re doing this weird thing where the Republicans and Democrats are all sitting together and are getting gay married afterwards or something.

And is Obama going to actually say anything interesting? What the country needs is trillions in cuts — including to entitlements — but is the guy who’s spent trillions and enacted giant new government programs going to talk about that? No instead, he’ll be like, “Everything is great! And soon we’ll finally be able to get you all those unicorns I promised!” But truth is, we can’t even afford donkey-corns right now — a much cheaper horned animal made by splicing the DNA of donkeys and rhinoceroses.

So that means it’s going to be up to the Republican response by Paul Ryan to provide any substance. I recommend he start by saying, “Look at the person to your left and the person to your right. DEAD! Now look at all your possessions. GONE! This is what Dumbo with his fancy pants and his $80 tie won’t tell you, but we’re doomed, people! I want you to take a look at our debt.” Then Paul Ryan will hold up an graph of the debt and shout, “LOOK AT IT!”

And everyone will be like, “No! Please don’t make us look at it!”

And Paul Ryan will be like, “No! Look at it and despair!”

And then everyone will be crying, “Please save us from it! Please!”

And Paul Ryan will say, “Okay. But only one thing can save us… GIANT ROBOTS!” Then Paul Ryan will hold up a diagram of the robots and they will be awesome looking. “Giant robots will solve all our problems. For one, they’ll cancel out all our debt because we’ll be able to go to China and say, ‘How about in payment for our debt, we agree not to ROCKET PUNCH YOU!’”

And everyone will be cheering, “GIANT ROBOTS! GIANT ROBOTS!” And Obama will run and hide leaving the Republicans in charge.

I keep telling everybody that giant robots are the solution to everything. You just need to bring me on as a consultant; I have lots of drawings of what they will look like.

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