Archive for January, 2011

Random Thoughts

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 9:01 am

It’s not shoplifting if you announce, “This belongs in a museum!” before taking it.

I don’t know why kicking puppies is a symbol of being evil and not a symbol of being a guy who likes fun things.

National leaders need to have a softball game together and the President of China needs to play first base.

Herman Cain seems interesting, but I don’t know if America is ready for a president named Herman.

A Christ-centered life is so hard; I wonder if I can get away with a Christ-tangential life.

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Just say “no” to crosshairs

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 6:32 am

CNN’s John King (I think that’s a real person, but I’m not sure) said this week that people shouldn’t say “crosshairs”:

My friend Andy Shaw used the term ‘in the crosshairs’ in talking about the candidates. We’re trying, we’re trying to get away from that language.

So, in case you didn’t know, “crosshairs” is the new “n-word.” Or maybe it’s the new “c-word.”

I’m assuming it’s part of the whole “blame Palin” thing. I suppose it could be because of the “cross” part of the word, but I think it’s part of the “blame Palin” thing. Maybe both.

But, I suppose that if now the media heads are getting all up in arms … so to speak … about the use of gun-related imagery and speech, then banning “crosshairs” is just the beginning. There are more things that you won’t be able to say or do:

  • Up in arms
  • Shop at Target.
  • Ride a bullet train.
  • Visit Roy Rogers’ horse.
  • Change your printer cartridge.
  • Read a magazine.
  • Recoil in fear.
  • Call someone a “slug.”
  • Score a safety in football.

I wonder what other things you won’t be able to say or do as part of this narrative?

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lolterizt! Part 123

Tuesday, January 18, 2011 9:03 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From me (Harvey):

From Me (Harvey):

From Hart of That Hero:

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

From Matt:

From Matt:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From J:

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Matt:

From Me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From Turtle:

[reference link]


NOTE: PLEASE NOMINATE YOUR CHOICE FOR “MOST OBSCURE REFERENCE AWARD” IN THE COMMENTS

I’m kinda torn between:

Arik’s “Al Capone’s Vault”

Larsinkima’s “Pet Rock”

Turtles’s “Morph Ball”


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Is Obama a Dark Wizard?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011 3:01 pm

So 35% of people — and 56% of Democrats – think Palin’s map had something to do with the Tuscon shooting. This is just as dumb as any birther nonsense but don’t expect it to get much press. Still, I always wonder with these polls where you have a significant number of people say Obama is a Muslim or half of Democrats say they think Bush was behind or knew about 9/11 is how many people just pick what they consider the negative response when polled on a politician they don’t like. We really need someone to poll something like, “The goal of Palin is to murder everybody and eat their faces. Yes/no?” and “Obama is a dark wizard. Yes/no?” to see how much is just pure politics and not real belief.

Then again, Obama being an evil wizard would explain a lot…

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What Is an Assault Weapon?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011 1:02 pm

There’s talk again about reviving the assault weapon ban. Of course, what gun banners consider an assault weapon is pretty different from the traditional definition. In fact, it seems pretty obvious that the people who came up with the assault weapons ban don’t know much about guns.

Basically, in the assault weapons ban, a gun is an “assault weapon” if it has two or more of these attributes:

* Looks cool or has a cool name.

* Fires a bullet every time the trigger is pulled instead of every other time.

* Can blow someone’s head clean off with a single shot.

* Has a shoulder strap of some sort that could be used to strangle someone.

* Makes loud noise.

* Has a non-Nerf rifle butt that would hurt if you hit someone with it.

* Fires armor penetrating hollow points.

* Isn’t loud enough.

* Makes those red dots appear on people you’re going to shoot.

* Uses a special bullet clip.

* Uses scary sounding things like “full-metal jacket” or “black powder”.

* It can shoot through schools.

* It’s secretly Megatron in disguise.

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Violent Acts

Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:02 am

Some are not liking the name of the GOP’s bill for repealing Obamacare – the Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act. They think it’s too offensive or something. I don’t get that, as it’s only offensive at people who like Obamacare and those people stupid. Still, I think some of the alternative names may be a little over the line.

ALTERNATE NAMES FOR REPEALING THE JOB-KILLING HEALTH CARE LAW ACT

* Slowly Strangle Obamacare Until You See Its Desperate Last Breath and Laugh Act

* Beat Up Liberal Politicians and Step on Their Necks and Also Repeal the Health Care Law Act

* Pretend Obamacare Is a Politician and Assassinate It Act

* Repealing the Job-Molesting Health Care Law Act

* Set Fire to Obamacare and Let It Run Around Screaming While Liberals Are Unable to Help It Act

* Shoot Down Obamacare in Cold Blood and Then Plant a Gun on It and Say We Saw It Threatening Jobs Act

* Put Obamacare in Some Elaborate Death Trap Like from the Movie Saw and Film It as It Dies Act

* Repealing the Health Care Law Democrats Passed Because They Hate America and Are Worse Than Terrorists Act

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, January 18, 2011 9:05 am

Since it’s MLK Day, I’m going to not be racist today. But at midnight… watch out!

So I’m still trying to figure out the new RNC Chair’s ethnicity from his name. Romulan?

I hate it when Buttercup gets the hiccups because it’s harder to scare a baby than you’d think.

Political cartoon idea: Guy watches as a maniac shoots people and remarks, “This reminds of a good joke about Palin.”

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The Measure of a Life

Monday, January 17, 2011 3:02 pm

Here is a new author you can not pay attention to the byline of and mistake me for. -Ed.

I find the relative silence about the homicide of John Wheeler interesting (relax, I’m not a conspiracy theorist). When Michael Jackson, a popular singer, died, TV programs were interrupted with the breaking news and for a long time you couldn’t escape hearing about it unless you lived under a rock in a desolate waste and wore ear plugs, ear muffs, and a sleep mask over your eyes. When John Wheeler, a defense expert, former presidential aide who also happened to be in a dispute with a neighbor, turns up dead in a landfill (apparently with some assistance getting dead and into the garbage truck), it gets relegated to a brief blurb in the evening news. When Michael Jackson died, we got updates that there were no updates (frankly, if they don’t know anything, I wish they would shut up, not blather on ad nauseum about nothing, and return me to my regularly scheduled programming). I haven’t seen any updates about John Wheeler. Someone who pranced around in sequins got treated with all the pomp and ceremony of royalty; a long time high level public servant gets thrown out with trash. So, if you want recognition and respect, don’t do anything significant like serving your country and keeping it as safe as possible. For recognition and respect, learn how to sing and dance suggestively, live like a perverted drug addicted lunatic, and die young.

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Stay Out, Hippie!

Monday, January 17, 2011 1:01 pm

Reader Otto sent this in:

You can prohibit hippies? How come Malaysia figured this out and not us? Do you think it would work, or would we just be awash in illegal hippies to the point I’d wear out my punching fist?

Oh, I guess the Constitution might stop us from prohibiting hippies. Guess we can just add an amendment: “None of these rights shall be construed as applying towards hippies.”

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Dead Bodies Make Great Political Platforms

Monday, January 17, 2011 11:03 am

Do you remember caring about liberals in the aftermath of 9/11? I don’t; too angry at terrorists to worry about some nonsense argument with fellow Americans. Very few people retreated to politics when faced with such a tragedy. I only remember a couple examples like Michael Moore who wondered why the terrorists didn’t a pick a place they could kill Republicans, but it was a break from politics on both sides for a while. Well, week or two.

Now with the shooting in Tuscon, it was mere minutes before people were trying to make it political. Of course, in this instance, the right would have gladly left politics out but many on the left thought they saw blood in the water and immediately went into a frenzy. I’m starting to wonder if 9/11 set the bar – if anything is not as tragic as that, then we can immediately retreat to our politics. Like if terrorists blow up a bus, we’ll be in full political bickering while the victims are still being identified.

Anyway, this last week wore on me. It shouldn’t be part of regular discourse having to assure people you’re not responsible for murder. I can’t believe how many media outlets actually went along with that absolute paranoid nonsense. Do you even have to point out the irony of whining about discourse while making bad faiths accusations of murder against your political opponents? Only good thing is there is no indication the left is influential to any one other than themselves these days, so I guess we could just ignore them. Of course, then they might go crazy and hurt people to get attention.

Oh. Too late.

There are lots of laws making sure Paul Krugman can’t get a gun, right?

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Random Thoughts

Monday, January 17, 2011 9:41 am

It’s hard to take seriously a NYT article asking for more gun control that uses the phrase “special bullet clip”.

There are truther pigs who say the government collapsed the structures on them to start a war for eggs with the angry birds.

Before we get too worked up about left-wing slander, is there any evidence it’s been influential to anyone other than themselves?

Wait, one of the RNC chair candidates is named “Conservative In Name Only”?

I think I want to care about this RNC Chair thing, but it’s just not happening.

As Ghandi would always say, “There’s no wrong way to punch a cat.”

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Been There, Mourned That… Got the Free T-Shirt!

Monday, January 17, 2011 2:32 am

Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!

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Mystery Solved

Sunday, January 16, 2011 11:00 am

Why was there a motto at a memorial service? That’s just weird.

And even if you DO have a motto at a memorial service, why would it be “together we thrive”?

I’m thinking “together we remember” would’ve been acceptable for the event, if it absolutely HAD to have a motto – it has an air of comfort for the living and grieving for the lost.

But “thrive”? WTF?

I checked Webster’s, and now I get it.

See, I was thinking of thrive as def. 1 or 2:

1: to grow vigorously : flourish
2: to gain in wealth or possessions : prosper

I forgot about 3:

3: to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances — often used with on

So, what do you suppose that goal is?

Other than, perhaps, slouching toward Bethlehem to be born.

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Gun Control Laws Are Already Working As Well As They’re Ever Going To

Saturday, January 15, 2011 12:50 am

Call this the link of the day.

Loughner broke the law when he bought his gun.

Gun control laws did not stop him.

Pass it on to anyone who says otherwise.

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No Reason

Saturday, January 15, 2011 12:45 am

Just the first thing that popped into my head.

[Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest]

And, as it happened, she found more tacky…

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What Does 4G IMAO Mean for Me?

Friday, January 14, 2011 3:04 pm

So far, the response to me announcing that IMAO is now 4G has been awesome. Often, I’m hearing this, “Wow! Am I excited about the new 4G IMAO! I can hardly think of all the possibilities! Still, I’m a bit curious on exactly what this means for me.”

Well, I’ll tell you what it means. It means IMAO is more advanced and more infused with… advancedness. So you should be excited. Thrilled even. Maybe a little aroused.

It also means a minor price adjustment, as you will see a slight doubling of the cost of IMAO on your next monthly bill. But remember, in exchange you’ll be getting three times* the performance out of IMAO.

4G IMAO. It’s the way of the future. But here now. And at IMAO.

* 2.73 times rounded up.

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Don’t Call It a Comeback

Friday, January 14, 2011 1:02 pm

A scientist is saying that in the next four years he thinks he’ll be able to resurrect the woolly mammoth. And how will he do this? With Science!

A woolly mammoth is just like an African elephant but bigger and covered in hair, so this is great news for people whose main complaint about the African elephant was that it’s not big enough and not fluffy enough. But for those of us hoping scientists bring back the dinosaurs so they could be mounted with rocket launchers, this seems like it could be good news. If we resurrect woolly mammoths, could dinosaurs be far behind? Well, yes, since we don’t have frozen remains of them. I guess they could resurrect a dodo bird next, which if you’re being really technical would be resurrecting a dinosaur though no one would really count that because it’s too small for rocket launchers. I guess in the meantime we could mount rocket launchers on the woolly mammoth, but every time they’d launch they’d burn its hair and it would smell awful.

Still, exciting! Science!

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What Secret Coded Message Did Palin Send Out?

Friday, January 14, 2011 11:01 am

Politico has uncovered that it’s possible that when Sarah Palin used the phrase “blood libel”, it may have been a secret message — a dog whistle — to conservative Christians. This is according to “some” who did “say” it. Of course, it’s completely impossible for a Politico employee (who “some say” are journalists) to actually talk to one of the tens of millions of conservative Christians, so the only thing left to do is rampant, paranoid speculation!

So what could be the secret coded message Palin was sending out? Some say these are the possibilities:

* Bring me the beard of Paul Krugman!

* I like turtles.

* Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

* 10 Palin Points to anyone who murders a hobo.

* RON PAUL!

* There are free bagels and coffee in the break room.

* I think Kos sent me an obscene picture of his private parts, but my phone wasn’t able to zoom enough to see them clearly.

* I will put my next orders to kill in a children’s book instead of a map.

* Watch Sarah Palin’s Alaska Sunday nights on TLC.

* I kinda get the feeling the backup job for most journalists wasn’t nuclear physicist.

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Random Thoughts

Friday, January 14, 2011 9:05 am

People cheering and whistling when Janet Napolitano went to speak at a memorial – I don’t get that on so many levels.

People who disagree with me on my political views are bad people.

So is everyone sure there is nothing unlucky about Thursday the Thirteenth, because I’m about to tease a wolverine.

I have a neat little book where I keep track of all the different types of animals I’ve teased or pestered. Largest: Humpback whale.

Babies don’t like to be teased, but it’s not always about what babies like.

Every time FDR gave a speech, I don’t remember it getting compared to what some woman posted on Facebook.

I guess they could place the bar even lower. “Look how much more presidential Obama is than the ‘I like turtles’ kid.”

So are there other types of mammoths than the wooly kind?

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Are Space Aliens Out to Destroy Us?

Thursday, January 13, 2011 3:03 pm

Most people think if there is intelligent life out there that’s learned to space travel, it will be nice like we are and want to be our friends and touch us with light-up fingers. Science! says otherwise. According to Science!, any other life out there most likely wants to destroy us for our resources like oil and gold and nacho cheese. That’s because according to evolution, it’s predators that get all the intelligence. And you know what predators do? That’s right: Predatate!

So why don’t we have space lasers yet? Space lasers, of course, are lasers in space. They are useful for all sorts of things involving space and lasers. Now, I was thinking they’d be fun for shooting terrorist because if a terrorists is just standing there and suddenly — out of nowhere — gets shot by a laser from space, that’s pretty funny. But what about aliens? Now, where do aliens come from? That’s right: Space! And Mexico — but not in the context we’re talking about right now. And what would be good for shooting things in space? That’s right: A space laser as it’s already in space and is a laser!

So one day, aliens will come by and broadcast to us, “We come in peace. We wish to–” And we’ll be like, “You won’t get our gold, alien space predators! Initiate laser death!” And then Pew! Pew! Pew! Our space lasers destroy all the alien ships. And Science! saves the day once again.

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