Archive for February, 2011

Time to Finally End Racism in Hollywood

Monday, February 28, 2011 2:01 pm

As I watched all the white people nominated for Oscars last night, I couldn’t help but think how Hollywood is the last place in America where racist hiring practices are tolerated. It’s the only place left where one care hire for a job looking only at white applicants and no one will bat an eye.

Like take the winner for best picture last night, The King’s Speech. Do you think any black people were considered for any of the lead roles in that film. Oh, sure, they have an excuse for that: Historical accuracy. But when has historical accuracy ever mattered to Hollywood? They’re always changing factual details to make a better plot. The only historical detail they’ll never budge on is the one that keeps minority actors blocked from their film.

Oh, and they’ll probably say it’s us, too. We, the audience, would be too confused by black Churchill. Well, no, I’d be fine with it; don’t try and project your racism onto me, Hollywood. And I thought Hollywood was supposed to challenge people’s perceptions. But I guess racially neutral hiring practices is too big a challenge.

Anyway, whatever the excuse, too much of Hollywood’s hiring is “Whites Only” and it should not be tolerated. Obviously the left in this country doesn’t care, so it’s up to conservatives to end this last bit of blatant racism blemishing America. If racial attitudes isn’t a big part of the plot of a movie, then there should be open casting for all the parts to people of all races. “Artistic vision” is not an acceptable excuse for racism.

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Stupid or Dead

Monday, February 28, 2011 11:01 am

Jim Treacher is finally getting some vacation time unrelated to knee surgery, so he asked me to sub for him (which is a bad idea because I’m much funnier). So here’s a post over at the DC Trawler on teachers’ unions.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, February 28, 2011 9:17 am

So does Wisconsin need to find some specific Democrats or will any do? Pretty sure Idaho has some Dems we’re not doing anything with.

I don’t get onions’ chemical warfare on my eyes. If you don’t want to be cut, don’t have so much flavor.

Finally saw The King’s Speech. Good, but I doubt the shootout they added to punch up the ending was historical. Also, did the royalty really have a jive talking robot back then?

Kidding; didn’t see that movie. Only thing that gets me to the theater these days is incomprehensible CGI robots smashing each other.

Evaporated milk goes great with disintegrated chicken and dematerialized biscuits.

I’m not going to watch the Oscars, so someone tell me if I won one.

Movie Idea: Terrorist attack at Oscars leaves film crews to take over as movie stars.

Actually, that was an awesome movie idea. I’ll start writing the script; someone get together a million dollars to send me for it.

No matter all my complaints and that I barely ever go to the movies, I’ve never successfully not watched the Oscars.

“It’s g-g-good to be the k-k-king.”

I shouldn’t feel this embarrassed for professionals preforming on stage.

So in reality, Batman sounds like a chimney sweep.

The Oscars really is an acting test because only the greatest actors could make this material work.

I only know how to recognize bad editing.

I do really want to see the King’s Speech. Nothing inspires like seeing rich, powerful people overcome obstacles.

If Randy Newman just played the piano while saying his Oscar speech, it would be no different from his songs.

Yeah, I don’t get Randy Newman or the other musics kids these days like.

Theoretically, we don’t want trains to wreck, but they’re so much fun to watch!

Know what would be really boring? A fantastic Oscars where there was nothing to snark about.

I remember when Halle Berry won an Oscar and they had to bring in the national guard to keep white actors from blocking her from getting it.

Feels like I should use this time to rant about how Hollywood is the only place left in America where racism in hiring is tolerated.

Like for King’s Speech, it was basically BLACKS NEED NOT APPLY for all the lead rolls. You can justify it how you want, but it’s disgusting.

For her performance in Star Wars, this should change Portman’s Oscar total from -1 to 0.

Oscar Winners: Because “rich actor” isn’t quite exclusive enough.

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Blocking cookies

Monday, February 28, 2011 7:43 am

Savannah.

It’s the first city in Georgia, founded in 1733. And it’s full of history.

Forsyth Park. Fort Jackson. Fort Pulaski. River Street. The Squares. Tybee Light. Johnny Mercer House.

Don’t know how much you know about Savannah. I grew up near there. Well, within TV-watching distance. My high school was in the same region as the Savannah schools, so there’d be travel to games throughout the year. Savannah was close, so I’m a little familiar with it.

But, no matter how much you know about Savannah, there is one aspect that you surely know about, even if you don’t know about its connection with Savannah.

Girl Scouts.

The Girl Scouts were founded in Savannah in 1912.

Whatever you think of the Girl Scouts, you gotta admit: they make good cookies. I always look forward to the sale of Girl Scout Cookies. I stock up. You can freeze them, you know. They’ll keep. And you can enjoy them year-round. At least, I think you can enjoy them year-round. They don’t usually last that long around me.

Anyway, you can buy Girl Scout Cookies now. They’re selling them.

Only, you can’t buy them at the home of Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts.

Nope. The address 10 East Oglethorpe Avenue is off-limits to the sale of Girl Scout Cookies.

Seems somebody complained last year.

So, the Girl Scouts cannot sell cookies in front of the home of the founder of the Girl Scouts.

I tell you, this country’s going to hell in a handbasket when Girl Scouts can’t sell cookies in at the home of the founder of the Girl Scouts.

I wonder who complained. Whoever it was complained hates America. I mean, really. Stopping little girls from selling cookies? Sounds like something somebody who voted for Barack Obama would do, that’s how un-American it is.

I’m thinking about heading to Savannah and offering to buy a busload of Girl Scout Cookies in front of the Juliette Gordon Low House. And, if anyone complained, they could bite be. While I’m biting into some Girl Scout Cookies.

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THIS is How to Build High Speed Rail

Saturday, February 26, 2011 1:52 am

On the minimal chance that there are IMAO readers out there who have read the book but who haven’t heard that after 54 years they’ve finally made the movie, here’s the trailer for Atlas Shrugged:



[YouTube direct link]

Look for it April 15th, an opening day that I’m sure was picked completely at random.

And, as I mentioned while discussing this at my personal blog, there are 3 big differences between Obama’s high-speed rail and Dagny Taggart’s:

1) It’s privately owned
2) It’s profitable
3) It’s hauling freight, not passengers

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Link of the Day

Saturday, February 26, 2011 1:37 am

Hope n’ Change suggests a new mascot for the Democrats:

Frankly, we think this new Democrat “Flee Party” movement deserves a newer and more accurate mascot than the old Ass they’ve used previously, and Hope n’ Change is happy to suggest the design seen in today’s cartoon.

We think the Democrat Donkey has outlived any semblance of accuracy. After all, a donkey is actually capable of performing work, stands on its own feet, and is at least marginally lovable… none of which is true of a liberal Democrat.

But a flea? It’s a blood-sucking parasite that lives off of others, it breeds promiscuously, and it’s nearly impossible to get rid of. In other words, it’s a perfect match!

Full disclosure: I live in Wisconsin, and I’ve been suffering under the regime of douchbag Democrats and their union cronies for a VERY long time. With Walker in office, I feel like running through the streets yelling “Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!“.

By the way, someone made a song about that.

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The Crazed Balancer

Friday, February 25, 2011 2:02 pm

It still looks like no one is willing to make the cuts we need in the federal budget for fear of reprisal, so I’ll keep trying to come up with a new solution by thinking outside the box. Here’s my latest idea: We invent a supervillian to cut the budget for us.

“Oh no! The Crazed Balancer has taken over the Capitol and is slashing the budget! We need to stop him!”

And we’ll shine the bat signal in the air, but only Aquaman shows up, so we’ll be like, “Oh, guess there’s no stopping him. We’ll just have to live with his cuts — including those to entitlements. Curse you, Crazed Balancer! You won’t get away with these harsh cuts! We’ll hunt him down across the globe and… Oh wait; that’s not in the budget.”

And then the budget is cut and everyone will just be mad at the supervillian. Just hopefully from his size no one figures out he’s Chris Christie.

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Help Find the Escaped Democrats

Friday, February 25, 2011 11:04 am

Wisconsin police have sent the police to hunt down the escaped Democrats. I think they may have even hired bounty hunters to track them down (“No disintegrations — that would prevent quorum.”).

We should all help in our own way by keep a looking out for escaped Democrats. They could be hiding anywhere around you, but here are some signs to look for:

1. Whininess
2. Completely unearned sense of entitlement
3. Desire to spend other people’s money
4. Inability to make numbers add up

If you think you see an escaped Democrat, don’t make any sudden movements. If frightened, Democrats will immediately spend billions of dollars we don’t have. Instead, smile to the Democrat very politely as you slowly pull out some bear mace and spray him in the face. Then bind his hands and feet with duct tape so he won’t get away. Then spray him with some more bear mace. Then check his wallet for your money. And then go ahead and empty that can of bear mace on him.

BTW, you’ll need to purchase some bear mace.

Afterwards, you can then call Wisconsin and tell them to come get their Democrat. And after they get quorum, hopefully Wisconsin will be smart enough to send their Democrats out of state again and make sure they never come back this time.

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Random Thoughts

Friday, February 25, 2011 9:09 am

Finally saw that Dead Island trailer people were talking about. That was horrible. Why would it make me want to play a videogame?

The Koch brothers pay me $80 per tweet. Is that good/bad/average?

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Who Are the Koch Brothers

Thursday, February 24, 2011 2:02 pm

The left has been going on and on about the Koch brothers recently. It ends up the public hasn’t rejected left-wing ideas because they suck and are awful, it’s just because of the Koch brothers. In fact, everyone would love liberalism if it weren’t for the Koch brothers and their money.

So who are the Koch brothers? They are these really rich brothers who are responsible for all conservatism — at least since a couple weeks ago which is when liberals suddenly all started complaining about them. Anyway, there basically wouldn’t be anything right-wing if it weren’t for their funding. Like in the last election, everyone who voted Republican got $5000. And check your pocket; you’ll find twenty bucks. That’s what the Koch brothers paid you to read this right-wing site. Ask yourself: Would you actually read this site if you weren’t paid to? Of course not. You’re not even really a conservative; it’s just that’s what you have to pretend to be to get Koch brother money.

Like, I wouldn’t even be blogging about politics if it weren’t for Koch brother money. I’d rather blog about comic books. But I get thousands of dollars from the Kochs every time I make fun of Obama.

BTW, Obama’s got crazy ears! **ka ching!**

So, anyway, the Koch brothers are the only reason conservatives are around. So that’s why liberals are constantly going on about them even though no one else cares. If they can just stop that flow of money, conservatism will dry up and people will stop thinking liberals smell funny and are weird — because we won’t get the $80 for thinking that anymore.

I’m going to go look at my guns and pretend I like freedom. I get $500 for that.

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President Obama’s Statement on Libya

Thursday, February 24, 2011 11:01 am

Obama hasn’t really been doing much about all the goings ons in the Middle East, which is probably for the best. Don’t really need him screwing that stuff up. Still, it makes him seem a bit impotent and useless. Just look at the transcript from his statement about Libya yesterday:

“As you may know, there is much going on in Libya. And I want you to know that I, President Obama, am also aware that things are happening there as well.

“There is bloodshed in Libya, and I am against bloodshed. Let’s not focus to much on who is responsible for the bloodshed, but just know that if you want to be my friend, bloodshed is not the way to go. So to those suffering from violence know this: I am against this violence you are suffering.

“As for what we’ll do, know we are considering the full range of option. First we considered Option A. Then we considered Option B. Then we considered Option D. Then someone said, ‘Hey! You forgot Option C.’ So we went back and considered Option C, because we want to consider the full range of option, not skipping any of them. If it is an option, know that it is getting considered. If it is not an option, it may still be considered though that’s more like a daydream in that case. Like the option of riding to the rescue on flying magical ponies; that’s not actually an option even though we drew lots of pictures of it. Doing nothing is an option, but we don’t have to consider that since it’s what we’re already doing.

“So while we are considering all the options — which will take a while because there is a lot — we will continue to monitor the situation in Libya. Let me be clear: I am not talking about the placing the Situation from Jersey Shore in Libya and then watching his antics — even though that might be quite entertaining. And it was one of the options we considered. Still, what I am talking about is as stuff happens in Libya, we will watch that stuff happen. And it will inform the options we consider. So as hard as things may get in Libya, I want the people of Libya to know: What’s happening you is being seen by us and affecting the options we consider. And if you see someone who looks like the Situation, it’s probably not really him.

“My teleprompter had gone blank, so I’m just going to stare into the cameras meaningfully for a few moments.”

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, February 24, 2011 9:08 am

While some people are criticizing Obama for not reacting to Libya, I once again want to express my support for him not doing things.

So is there anyone out there who believes that Obama speaks honestly about his position on gay marriage?

Phase 1: Keep mentioning Koch.
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Broad public support for left-wing politics!

The reason the Koch brothers have put so much money in politics to defeat the left is they’re the leading manufacturers of low speed rail.

So in declaring DOMA unconstitutional, is Obama approving of the law?

Anyone ever really buy that Obama was opposed to gay marriage? He has a worldview pretty much lifted straight from Stuff White People Like.

I always wondered why liberals want people like Michelle Bachman to have more control over their healthcare.

Kos is rallying behind unions? What’s next, rallying behind newspapers?

Why are they called liberals if their thinking is from 100 years ago?

Actually, what is the amount of time it takes for an idea to go from liberal to conservative? I would think less than a century.

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Conclusions, and the Jumping to Thereof

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 9:16 pm

I’m not normally one for conspiracy theories, but I think Obama may be a Sith Lord.

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Will Obama Run in 2012?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 2:04 pm

So is Obama pretty much done with the presidency? After the midterm election, there’s no more passing giant expensive legislation for him. He’s just stuck there seeing how little his stimulus did and watching as the courts attack Obamacare — which was far watered down from what he originally wanted. The big thing of the day is reducing the deficit, but Obama’s new budget showed he can’t even bring himself to care about that. Tyrants are being overthrown in the Middle East, but he doesn’t really have anything to do with that or anything significant to say. And his big new idea? High-speed rail. Maybe that’s his signal that he’d rather be in a basement playing with a train set.

We’re wondering about who to run against Obama in 2012, but are we even sure Obama is going to want to run? If he can’t ensure he’ll have big majorities in the Legislative Branch to make sure he can go crazy with our money paying for his big stupid ideas, is the presidency something he’ll still be interested in? Maybe instead he’ll want to go somewhere else he can do nothing useful and get praised excessively — like Hollywood or something. Or maybe he’ll move to Canada and become it’s king — no, it’s emperor! Canadians have always thirsted for a monarch to tell them what to do, but the royalty of England is always forgetting them. But soon they could have Obama, Emperor of Canada. And he won’t be expected to do anything because no one expects Canada to do anything.

Wait, what’s the difference between an emperor and a king? Or do you just decide to call yourself one or the other? I never really got that. Like did one day some king just decide to call himself something different so everyone would think he was a super-king? Or is there an official measure where you have to rule over so much area and now you can be called an emperor? Either way, if Obama doesn’t get to be called emperor of Canada (and doesn’t get the giant hat to go with that), I will feel he’s been cheated. That’s no way for Canada or any other country to treat a rejected U.S. president.

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Political Arguing FAQ

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 11:05 am

So when do the left start to learn to make themselves not completely repugnant to America at large? They were screaming racist at everyone who questioned them spending like crazy, but after the midterm election you’d think they’d learn to try not seem like arrogant, out of touch idiots. So what are they doing now? Fleeing the state to avoid budget issues and defend the oh so popular teachers’ union from the realities of the economy.

In an attempt to help, here is an FAQ to help liberals argue better.

POLITICAL ARGUING FAQ

Q. I don’t like the opinions of some other people. Should I go scream at them?
A. That doesn’t work in convincing people. You need to try engaging them on the issues.

Q. What if I’m sure they’re racist?
A. Do you have any basis to believe they’re racist other than that they disagree with you on tax and budget issues? Make sure you’re not just using that as a distraction to avoid the issues at hand.

Q. That sounds like racist logic! Where are you? I want to scream at you!
A. This desire to scream is actually due to your inability to argue on the issues. The best solution may be to rethink your positions if you’re having trouble defending them.

Q. My positions are not wrong! You’re just dumb! Why do you have trouble understanding how dumb you are even though I keep screaming it at you?
A. You’re not going to convince people by being angry. You have to ask yourself: Do you want to convince people on issues affecting this country? If so, you need to sympathize with other people and understand their positions.

Q. That sounds like something Hitler would say! You won’t trick me with your Nazi tactics!
A. When you keep imagining your political opponents as evil as possible to hate them more, then what you’re really hating is really things that exist in your own psyche. You might want to focus more on self-examination than political arguments.

Q. So, if the political opponents I hate are really within my own brain, should I throw myself through a plate glass window?
A. I can’t see why not.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:54 am

Is Justin Bieber really cutting his hair? Maybe this is the moment our country finally starts turning things around.

Is there a checkbox to tell IE that it’s only my last resort browser and will never ever be default?

Do the Koch brothers pay people to be right-wing, because they owe me back pay.

The Massive Dynamic logo in Fringe is a ripoff of the Nintendo 64 logo.

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lolbama! Part 57

Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:17 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Jinxmedic:

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

From Kris:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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UNION SUPERPOWER! Featuring “Wisconsin Vern”

Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:01 pm

It’s a new video from Crowder!

Next video will be of union thugs beating him up.

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Fire the Teachers!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011 2:05 pm

So, there are these teachers unions whose goal are to make sure kids get taught the least for the most amount of money, and they are causing big trouble in Wisconsin. It seems to me a quick solution is to just fire all the teachers; that would make all this debate over collective bargaining pretty moot. I know, I know: “But then who would teach our kids?”

Anytime you’re in a tough situation, it’s a good time to sit and reflect on whether The Simpsons dealt with a similar situation. And in one episode the teachers went on strike, so they planned to replace them with robots. They didn’t have robots back then, though, so they instead went with people from the community, but we do have robots now. You all saw that computer on Jeopardy, right? Why can’t we just put that in a robot body and have it teach kids? It wouldn’t care about benefits or anything about itself; it would only care about its programmed mission: Teach children. And it would kill, maim, or otherwise disable anyone who stood in its way. So, you know, fair notice to disruptive students.

Basically, anytime any problem arises in the future, just assume my solution is robots. Purple monkey dishwasher.

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Not Good Days for Dictators in the Middle East

Tuesday, February 22, 2011 11:02 am

So first a dictator in Egypt falls, and now people are finally getting fed up with that loony toon in Libya — Gadafi, Q-Daffy… something like that. And its spreading, and I assume it will move even faster as more dictators crumble. There is a lot to be angry at in the Middle East — dictators, oppression, horrid living conditions — and there is also a lot of anger there… just not directed at anything useful. But look what happens when people start to say, “Hey, instead of being angry at America and the Jews, let’s be angry at things directly affecting us like our sucky governments.” Boom! Revolution! Probably a lesson for the left here at home too: Try being angry at actual things instead of made up crazy things.

Of course, what if the Middle East finally advances, but still want to destroy America and kill the Jews? Part of what keeps Israel safe is all the people around them who want to kill them are all backwards dictatorships. It’s like the Nazis came back, but with only caveman level technology. Still, maybe the Middle East will calm down as it advances. It’s like why we don’t have supervillians in real life and real criminals are mainly just dumb thugs: If you’re a genius, you have a lot of better, more productive things to do than be a criminal. And maybe when the Middle East finally advances, they’ll find better things to do than obsess over the Jews.

But I’d keep an eye on them.

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