Archive for March, 2011

What to Expect from a Government Shutdown

Thursday, March 31, 2011 12:02 pm

So there is the possibility of a government shutting down coming up. The Democrats seem to want it because they think it will be politically advantageous, but those guys would support a Nazi invasion of the U.S. if they thought politically advantageous to them. Still, I think maybe the government shutdown would be a good thing. I mean, if we just shut the whole thing down, that’s basically the only way to ensure we don’t spend anymore money. And maybe we can just declare bankruptcy on the federal government and forget all that debt and be done with it.

Anyway, here’s what to expect from a government shutdown:

* All legislators will now have to find real jobs, but there are few places that consider voting yes and no on lots of stuff as qualifying experience — and certainly they won’t be $200,000 a year for that.

* If you were dependent on any sort of welfare from the federal government, you’re probably gonna die. Sorry!

* With no federal government, there won’t be any enforced rules of engagement for troops overseas. In fact, you guys are just basically wandering ronin now. So if you see someone you think needs a killin’, just go ahead and shoot him.

* Obama will end up on the side of the road with a sign saying, “Will make impotent proclamations for food.”

* Federal prisons will shut down and all the prisoners will escape. They’ll probably have an easier time finding gainful employment than the legislators.

* U.S. currency will no longer be supported, so you’ll need to get your money in something that will last the government shutdown such as Facebook credits.

* Without the federal government, each state will now become and independent country. If your state wants to invade Kentucky and steal all its gold, you better be quick about it because I bet a lot of other states have the same idea.

* Without a big federal government to push everyone around, liberals won’t know what to do with themselves and will all die off during the winter. Too bad winter is about over so it will be a while until that happens.

* There will be no federal enforcement of borders, so it will be up to the states now without any outside interference. That means you can finally build that fence to keep Californians out.

* The U.S. Postal service will shutdown, which means you’ll only be able to use Netflix instant streaming as they’ll no longer be able to get you DVDs. If the post office shutting affects you in any other way, then come on; get with this century, people.

* You know that guy who always yells at you when you try to climb the statue of Abraham Lincoln, well he ain’t gonna be there no more so no one is going to stop me!

Some people will then plot on how to get the federal government running again, but I think that’s pretty wrong-headed. Eventually, we should adjust just fine to no federal government and probably be better off in the long run. A federal government seemed like and interesting idea, but it was just unworkable. Well, let’s just dust off those Articles of Confederation and give those a try again.

So who has a truck and can help me steal a T-Rex from the Smithsonian?

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, March 31, 2011 9:07 am

Not only are they not defunding NPR, they’re starting a sister network: N-Poo-R.

“Silly rabbit, lagomorphs don’t have property rights so we’re taking away your Trix cereal! And while we’re at it, your ability to talk is an affront to both God and man.”

I like Sarah Palin, but you have to admit she’s a horrible, stupid person and everything she does is wrong.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska was basically a big ad for Alaskan tourism, so I’m not particular surprised there was Alaska tax money in it. Plus, doesn’t Alaska basically just hand out tax money to everyone who lives there. What’s that about?


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Conversation with My 10-Year-Old Self

Wednesday, March 30, 2011 3:01 pm

It’s 2011 — the future — yet it’s not quite what I expected as a child. I kind of wonder if I could even make it all sound that interesting to my ten-year-old self. So, as a little thought experiment, here is an imagined conversation if I were able to go back in time and talk to young Frank J.

* * * *

“Hello! I am you from twenty-one years in the future!”

“Wow! Are you astronaut?”

“Well… no.”

“Then get away from me, loser!”

“Hey, not so fast. The future is a lot different than you would have thought. Didn’t get to be an astronaut — they’re still pretty rare — but I did get to be a blogger.”

“That like a plumber?”

“No, I write my thoughts on a computer and people all over the world get to read them.”

“So really cool people read what you write?”

“Well… people read what I write. Oh, and I’m also on this thing called ‘Twitter’ where I can instantly share my thoughts with thousands of people… as long as it’s under a 140 characters.”

“That’s asinine.”

“Wha… How do you even know that word?”

“So do you have jetpacks in the future?”

“No, not really. Those are dangerous.”

“Flying cars?”

“No, that would be dangerous too. We don’t like dangerous things in the future. Instead of flying cars, though, we have cars that are part electric and part gas.”


“Um… I’m not sure. I think to stop the planet from getting too hot… or too cold. One of those.”


“Come on; you can’t actually know what that word means.”

“So what cool tech do you have?”

“We have phones with lots of features on them.”

“Phones are boring! Who cares what features they have?”

“No, phones are really cool in the future. They’re like the coolest thing now.”

“You have the dumbest future ever!”

“No, it’s neat. You can throw birds at pigs.”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“I have a Droid.”

“You have a robot! Awesome!”

“No, it’s a type of phone.”

“Why is the future so boring and stupid and full of phones?! Do you even have robots?”

“Just… um… robot vacuum cleaners.”

“You guys took every cool idea for the future and made it boring! What do you guys even do in the future?”

“We… um… like things ironically.”


“Well, we take things that are kind of cheesy, and pretend to like them. Especially things from our childhood. Like, things you really like now, we’ll pretend to be into that in the future.”

“So you’ll pretend to like the Simpsons?”

“Oh, you have that? That’s actually still on and decently watchable. Wow, I forget how old that show is.”

“So is there anything interesting from the future?”

“Well… we have a black president.”

“Like Mr. T?”

“Um… more like Urkel. I forget if you know who that is yet.”

“The future stupid and you are stupid!”

“Oh, I did bring one thing from the future: Here’s my new Nintendo 3DS.”


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Wednesday, March 30, 2011 12:02 pm

So Chuck Schumer basically admitted he’s programmed to call anything Republicans do extreme. And I always see these left-wing pundits who, no matter what’s said, always tick through their programmed left-wing talking points of the day. So why not just get actual robots and program them to be Democrats? We’re not even talking particularly complex programming; it just has to analyze what’s said and look for key phrases so as to respond with stock talking points,.i.e., if “tax cuts” are mentioned, it will say, “That’s just a tax cut for the rich!” If it doesn’t recognize anything said, it will use one of its all purpose responses (“Koch brothers!”). And through wireless technology, it can constantly update it’s talking points on an hourly basis. Best of all, it won’t be illegal to hit it with a car.

The Robo-Donk: Half-man. Half-machine. All whiny, useless idiot.

Wow; that’s way more man than the average Democrat.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, March 30, 2011 9:06 am

Getting the 3DS today. Just have to make it between now and the end of work without losing one of my eyes.

Hopefully Obama realizes the best way to make conservatives look stupid right now is to win decisively in Libya.

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lolterizt! Part 128

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 7:40 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

[reference link]

[reference link]

From Matt:

[reference link]

From Matt:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From DamnCat:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From MikeS:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Paid to Whine

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 3:02 pm

Apparently, conservatives create jobs, because Media Matters gets $10 million a year to whine about FOX News. Liberals really live in a different world than us. We conservatives have budgets crises, the economy, terrorists, wars, and nuclear threats to worry about. For liberals, the biggest problem they’re aware of is FOX News. If you don’t have any bigger problems than Glenn Beck, then you don’t have real problems. Then why are liberals so angry all the time? Sometimes I think they may bite us. They’re crazy!

I guess spending millions to complain about a channel you don’t like is kinda pathetic and not good for mental health. I mean, there are like hundreds of channels now; just find one you like! But Media Matters actually employs people to just watch FOX News all day long and write down what they don’t like about FOX News. I don’t think it’s too far of stretch to say everyone who does that is a weirdo. I mean, think if your job was just to watch TV you don’t like and complain. I mean, if I had to watch Lifetime all day, I’d probably go crazy. Gun shooting crazy. Is that to say everyone at Media Matters is a possibly violent threat? Yes. A really weenie violent threat, but one nonetheless. They should have to wear those jackets without the sleeves so they can’t hurt themselves or others. And then they should watch the Cartoon Network until they calm down or something.

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The Islamic Messiah

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 12:04 pm

Iran has a video out saying that the coming of the Islamic messiah is near. Hopefully when he comes he’ll be a nice messiah and tell all the Muslims, “Here’s a crazy religious idea: Let’s not murder so much. I have a lot of religious edicts to tell you, but for now let’s just focus on the not murdering so much. Plus, let’s stop living like angry cavemen.” But I don’t have much hope that’s what he’ll be like; instead, he’ll probably be like the expected, “Kill all the infidels! Conquer the world! Me hate joooos!” And then he’ll lead the Middle East against the West with his magical Islamic powers!

I drew a picture of what we might expect:

The three-bearded Islamic messiah showing off his lightning powers. He is vulnerable to bug and grass type attacks.

Yep, he has lightning attacks! And three magical beards! Well, only two are magical, but if I said he has two magical beards everyone would point out, “But he’s got three beards!” and then I’d explain that one isn’t magical and just a regular beard and I’d have to do that over and over and it just isn’t worth the hassle.

BTW, you might want to draw his picture now, because I assume once he’s here it will be offensive to depict him. News coverage of him might have to blur out his face or something.

Anyway, I hope the military has added the possibility of an Islamic messiah with lightning powers into their war plans. He’s going to try impose Sharia throughout the world and eliminate our bacon supplies; he must be stopped!

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 9:08 am

Half-men, half-sheep always get offended when you refer to them as “Ewe people.”

Someone keeps hitting my smart phone with this DoS attack that causes it to make a ringing sound and interrupts my internet.

Think of what Einstein could have accomplished if he access to Google. And Zuma Blitz.

Did Obama give another speech and I missed it?!

You’d think liberals would be less angry since they live in happy fantasy world where the biggest threat out there is FOX News.

“What’s there to say about our involvement in Libya? It’s Libya, and we’re involved. Anyway, got early tee time tomorrow.”

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Know Thy Enemy: The Middle East

Monday, March 28, 2011 12:02 pm

We just can’t avoid wars in the Middle East. Even sissy Obama couldn’t help but start another war there; there’s just too many jerks there in dire need of the business end of a cruise missile. So to help everyone out, I thought I’d task my crack research staff to find out all they could about the Middle East:


* Despite the name, the Middle East is really off-center to the left in the East.

* Many of today’s problems in the Middle East started when one guy — I forget his name — said, “You know what religion needs? More violence!”

* The Middle East’s best period was the Islamic Golden Age a thousand years ago. They were so happy with that era that they haven’t advanced a day since.

* Part of the reason the Islamic Golden Age was so great was because of access to genies who would grant any wish. Eventually, though, the Taliban beat all the genies to death for not having the proper beard length.

* The reason the Middle East hates Israel so much is that they’d like to blame how everything sucks on the region, but then a bunch of Jews come and make a country, and it’s the only one there that doesn’t look like it would benefit from a technology exchange with Fred Flintstone.

* If Charlton Heston’s character from Planet of the Apes had come from the Middle East, he would have immediately recognized it as earth, since it wouldn’t have looked very different from what he was used to.

* Also, at the end of the movie, he would have said, “Praise Allah, you blew it up! Take that, you infidels!”

* Americans tend to be quite confused by how people in the Middle East keep bringing up the Crusades, as our knowledge about it comes primarily from the beginning of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (and to a lesser extent, the beginning of Robin Hood: Men in Tights).

* The other thing besides the Crusades that makes the Middle East really mad at the West is how unfairly Indiana Jones fought that swordsman.

* There’s a lot of wrong, counter-productive thinking the Middle East. For instance, they refer to the the U.S. as the “Great Satan”, but Satan isn’t great; he’s a very bad man.

* The only reason people are interested in the Middle East is that it has oil. There are other places to get oil, but we really want that oil.

* I guess we could avoid oil and thus the Middle East by driving around in electric cars and building windmills… though it’s hard to tell if that’s a lifestyle for giving up oil or for giving up testicles.

* If you’re in the Middle East and find yourself surrounded by frumpy ninjas, don’t panic; that’s just women in burkas.

* I can’t guarantee they’re not trying to blow you up, though.

* People in the Middle East are constantly going on about the Islamic Golden Age and the Crusades even though that was a thousand years ago. They’re a bit like a sixty-year-old guy who lives in a broken down trailer home going on and on about his achievements in high school football. Also, he blows up other people’s houses.

* One of the groups that causes the most conflict in the Middle East are the Jews who keep stirring up trouble and anger with their incessant existing.

* There are lots of desert areas in the Middle East that are completely impassible due to violent roving gangs of camels.

* If you ever find yourself stuck in the Middle East, remember that there is pretty much no one there who eats bacon, so you should be able to buy it pretty cheap.

* A lot of people in the Middle East shout “Allahu Akbar!” because they think it’s a really cool thing to say before killing a guy, much like Ezekiel 25:17.

* One of the most powerful countries in the Middle East is Saudi Arabia, and they are always trying to gain favor with the West. It’s just kind of hard to take them seriously when all their leaders dress up like villains from a Disney cartoon.

* That, and all their oppressive laws which would have seemed backwards in Ancient Greece.

* Considering how awful and desolate most of the Middle East is, you’d think more people would just move instead of war over it, but cardboard boxes are a lot more expensive than you think.

* Many in the Middle East complain about American intervention, but it’s actually pretty hard to notice the Americans blowing people up over them blowing each other up. Remember this is a place where “Kite Festival; Eleven Dead” is an actual headline.

* Suicide bombing was invented in the Middle East because the men there were just too lazy to run away from bombs after planting them.

* Some in the Middle East have dreams of conquering the whole world, but it’s kind of hard to do when your military tech lags behind that of the Boy Scouts of America.

* There are a lot of horrible dictators in the Middle East, and they survive by distracting people with made up problems. For instance, despite the poverty, oppression, and war in the Middle East, a recent survey of people there identified the biggest problems the Middle East faced as Jews and Piglet from Winnie the Pooh.

* In a fight between the Middle East and Aquaman, it would quickly turn into a quagmire which would benefit Aquaman’s aqua-powers.

* The Middle East are the only people who watch Mad Men and marvel at the advanced views towards women.

* Despite all its problems, one day the Middle East could be a modern society and a contributor to science and technology. That will probably be after Israel conquers the whole region.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, March 28, 2011 9:02 am

Spent a while Friday morning deciding which seat to choose in my car. Settled on the front seat since it’s not one of those self-driving cars.

Parents just don’t understand, man! Like, I’m a parent now and I’m very confused.

Buttercup can now entertain herself with a rattle. Being a parent was fun, but I’m glad it’s over now.

Shipping confirmation from Amazon on my 3DS! Was getting bored of playing with Buttercup even though she is also in 3D.

It’s glasses free 3D, but since I’m nearsighted in my right eye, I require glasses for anything to be in 3D.

What is it with some cultures and their irrational hatred of pronounceable names?

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Obama likes spending

Saturday, March 26, 2011 3:58 pm

Some say Obama likes spending. I wonder if there’s any evidence to back up that claim?

[Direct link]

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I’m So Excited! I Thought This Day Would Never Come!

Friday, March 25, 2011 7:32 pm

Alpha-Proxima Day is Saturday. Don’t forget to turn on every light you have for 24 hours.

If you can’t participate, you can salve your conscience by buying Carbon Debits.

And remember the Alpha Proxima Day motto:

If it can’t be seen from space, you’re doing it wrong.”

[YouTube direct link]

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Fighting Bullies

Friday, March 25, 2011 3:03 pm

Bullying is a good thing; it makes children tougher. For instance, do you think that kid in Australia would have ever been able to pull of a righteous body slam without the motivation of bullying?

Anyway, here’s Steven Crowder on bullying:

How do you think bullying should be handled?

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Reasons the Operation in Libya Isn’t a War

Friday, March 25, 2011 12:01 pm

Did you know you can forcefully go into another country, start blowing stuff up, and it’s not a war? Instead, Obama is like “it’s an overseas contingency operation” or “it’s a kinetic military action” or “it’s a time-limited, scope-limited military operation” or “it’s an I Can’t Believe It’s Not a War” or “it’s the military operation that must not be named”.

Are there any people actually that dumb? “I’m anti-war, but this isn’t a war. Yes, it’s the military going into another country to overthrow its government, but it’s called something completely different than a war so it’s not one.” And how influential are these stupid people that Obama needs to pander to them? Can’t he just distract them with something shiny instead of sounding like a complete tool?

Still, if he wants to convince people it’s not a war, he needs to try harder. Here’s some things he could say instead:

“It’s not a war, we just trained some random people to use guns and let him loose in a foreign country. That they wore matching outfits with the American flag on it is not my problem.”

“It’s not a war, it’s just excess bomb disposal.”

“It’s not a war, we just genetically resurrected dinosaurs and shared them with Libya. Not our fault the dinosaurs hate Qdaffy and want to eat him.” NOTE: This one would require genetically resurrecting dinosaurs which I hope the military is already working on.

“It’s not a war, because according to the Big Book of War this operation would needs at least 50% more tanks to meet official warness guidelines.”

“It’s not a war, it’s just… you know… stuff happening… with the military. Why do we always have to put labels on everything, man.”

“It’s not a war, because if it were, where are all the protesters calling me Hitler?”

“It’s not a war, because earlier today Qdaffy told me he’s totally cool with us hitting his country with a bunch of cruise missiles. He thinks those are awesome.”

“It’s not a war, because we’re only kidding.”

“It’s not a war, because I didn’t order it. Must have been some other black guy calling for it, and you just thought it was me because you think we all look the same. You’re all so racist; I hate you so much.”

“It’s not a war, because I don’t actually plan on winning or anything. I just wanted to bomb someone and feel like a big man.”

“It’s not a war, because it’s good for something — getting rid of Qdaffy. We all know from Edwin Starr that true wars are good for absolutely nothing.”

“It’s not a war, because I was born in Kenyan and thus I can’t be president and start wars.”

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Random Thoughts

Friday, March 25, 2011 9:09 am

We’re going to fight this war on the XBox 360 Kinect? Does Qdaffy have that? What’s his Live account?

“You know these Koch brothers you never heard of a week ago? They’re super evil and have to be stopped. And Libya is not a war.”

Did Q*bert set a precedent that eventually led to Ke$ha?

I don’t care what you call it as long as bad people get blowed up. That’s what I pay taxes for.

“We’re not going to get mired in an unwinnable war. What we’re going to get mired in we’ll call something completely different than that.”

“It’s not a war. It’s a contingency… kinetic… scope-limited… Okay; I’m a ginormous tool.”

My parents gave us one minute to use a certain amount of mouthwash. It was a time-limited, Scope-limited operation.

Almost wish I followed college basketball just so I could understand why people hate Duke so much.

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An opportunity wasted

Friday, March 25, 2011 4:31 am

Turns out that the president might not be to blame for his latest inability to open a door. Did you see his latest inability to open a door?

[Direct link]

Yes, that first one was actually a door, not a window.

As you can see, he’s finally learned how to use a door knob, because he managed to open the second door.

Which means the first of the two doors was locked.

Which means the second of the two doors wasn’t locked.

Somebody didn’t do his job right. Because that somebody left one of the doors unlocked. And now, Obama is back in the White House.

A perfectly good opportunity arose to keep him out, and someone dropped the ball. The country could have been saved by someone simply locking another door. Now, we’re back to going to hell in a handbasket.

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Literally Winning the Future

Thursday, March 24, 2011 12:01 pm

So here’s what Biden said yesterday:

“The president and I, we’re focused on literally — it sounds like a trite phrase — but literally winning the future.”

Literally winning the future, people. I mean, he said it twice. And since it’s a literal thing he’s doing, I figured I should be able to draw a picture of it. So here’s my drawing of what literally winning the future looks like:


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Random Thoughts

Thursday, March 24, 2011 9:05 am

None of this Libya mess would have happened if Keith Olbermann was still on the air.

Space heaters don’t work because you can’t heat space since space is a vacuum and vacuums don’t work if they’re overheated.

Monitor running out of batteries beep not different sounding enough from baby stopped breathing beep.

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Unconstitutional War

Wednesday, March 23, 2011 3:03 pm

So some people are saying maybe it’s unconstitutional that Obama went to war with Libya without consulting Congress. We still care about that sort of thing? I thought something being constitutional was sort of a vague concept now with no strict definition — like saying something is smurfy. Still, Joe Biden thinks Obama should be impeached over this — though there is a bit of a conflict of interest there since, if it happens, Biden will get a big pay raise out of the deal.

So, what do you think? Should Obama be impeached over this, or are you like me and just assumed the president had the authority to bomb wherever in the Middle East whenever he felt like it?

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