Archive for March, 2011
Why would Garfield hate Mondays? What kind of weekday schedule does he have?
Wonder what James Garfield would think of the fact that despite being president, he’s only the 9th Google result for Garfield? He’d probably burn us as witches for bringing it up.
I never felt that Sesame Street fully explored the character Herry Monster.
I bet he could be Sesame Street’s most complex character if I were allowed to do a two season arc featuring him.
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From me (Harvey):
From me (Harvey):
From me (Harvey):
Bonus! Irritable Pundit has the ObamaPad 2. (Too big to fit here – just go there & enjoy. Don’t miss the apps.)
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
[reference link (language warning)]
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
This one has possibilities, too, so feel free to use either or both:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
Send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
So Tim Pawlenty has announced his candidacy, and the guy is so boring you can hardly read his name without yawning. But I was thinking: Wouldn’t that be a huge advantage against Obama? Obama was supposed to be this exciting candidate who would change everything, and now people know what a crock that would be. So wouldn’t the perfect antidote to that be some super boring candidate with absolutely no cult of personality? The American people are just going to want someone competent in place of Obama, and we pretty much just assume that boring people are competent. And with a boring person, we’re definitely not going to get all our hopes up just to have them crushed as happened for many people with Obama.
So maybe Pawlenty is a really good idea. I probably should read up on him… but it’s just so hard to care, you know?
So it’s pretty controversial that we’re intervening in Libya. Qdaffy is a crazed dictator killing his own people, but does that mean we should intervene in any country with a dictator?
I say yes.
As the defenders of freedom, I don’t know why we haven’t long ago made it official American policy that if you’re a dictator, we will murder you. I used my iPad to make an illustration of this policy idea.
If you govern without the consent of the govern, then America is actively plotting your death. Maybe we won’t kill you today, maybe we won’t kill you tomorrow, but we’ll probably kill you Thursday. In the least, if you’re a dictator, know that in the Pentagon we’re working on plans to make you dead. They can even declassify plans as they don’t use them.
“Here’s our plans to make Kim Jong Il swallow a bomb and explode him from the inside, including a CGI simulation of what we think that would look like. We really think it would discredit his rule if he were exploded. And here is a drawing of him being eaten by a t-rex. Unfortunately, that one never got past the cool drawing stage.”
What would be the objections to this? That big powerful America is picking on smaller countries? You can’t pick on dictators; that’s like saying our police forces are picking on thugs and murderers. Dictators are freebies; we can kill all we want, and it’s morally okay. We’re a big powerful country — way more powerful than the dictators out there — so why shouldn’t we do what’s right and awesome? What’s really wrong is for dictators to be out there murdering and generally pushing people around and for them to have it in their head that no one is plotting to kill them. That’s why America needs to announce loud and clear, “If you’re a dictator, we’re after you. And look at this new sniper bullet we made. It enters your head then explodes. That’s right, our snipers are going to explode your head. So either have fair and free elections, or stay away from windows if you don’t want to explode your head over everything.”
Okay; so I’m a neocon. That’s way better than being someone who doesn’t want dictators’ heads exploded.
T-Paw needs to embrace how boring he is. Boring probably has a pretty good chance against Obama.
T-Paw 2012: “Someone this boring has to be competent.”
I, for one, support President Obama and his proposed exchange of blood for oil.
Seems like there should be a left-wing argument for smaller government. Why would you want to give Michele Bachman more power?
Realizing all politicians suck is the first step towards advocating limited government.
“…and that’s about all I have to say about March Madness,” President Obama told the press while standing in front of a chart of his March Madness picks.
“I have a question,” one reporter said.
“Would you like me to repeat everything I just said about March Madness?”
“No; the question is about Libya.”
“Oh, well there is not really much to say about that. Qdaffy is a terrible dictator, so we’re going to use military force to take him out.”
“And do you see any hypocrisy after all your opposition to the war in Iraq?”
Obama looked confused. “I didn’t think anyone took that seriously.”
“It was kind of a big deal,” the reporter said. “People criticized Bush endlessly for years and quite vehemently. It was your party’s — and your own — main objection to him. There were huge protests constantly. He was called one of the worst president’s ever because of it, and some on the left even called him a war criminal.”
“Oh. I think I see the confusion.” Obama nodded. “Let me explain it this way: I’m a left-winger, so pretty much everything out of my mouth is just partisan nonsense.”
“I think it’s pretty easy to understand,” Obama continued. “We on the left act like this and that is a big deal, but all we care about our partisan politics. If someone can be identified as being on the other side of us politically, then that person is the devil to us and we will attack him or her with idiotic thing we can think of. And we’ll act like it’s a huge deal, but our objections don’t come from any coherent political philosophy or actual concern for poor or oppressed people. We just don’t like people disagreeing with us and that’s the entirety of what we care about.”
“So none of those countless objections from the left to the war in Iraq was based on any real sentiments?”
“Only our hatred of Bush being a Republican,” Obama explained. “Absolutely everything we acted like was a big deal about Iraq was just nonsense and we didn’t really care about it. We even actually found Abu Ghraib kind of funny. We’re utterly useless people who just like to argue and don’t care about the consequences. It’s completely insane that anyone paid us even the slightest attention when something important like a war was going on. And it’s pretty crazy you elected someone like me to be president when I had clearly demonstrated time and time again that I am a useless partisan idiot with nothing to contribute to society. Did you reporters even look into the community I organized in Chicago? It fell into the sea — and Chicago is hundreds of miles from the sea. That’s how less than useless I am.”
“So… why are you telling us this now?”
“Well, it’s just getting real hard to pretend that Bush did things wrong when I’m basically copying everything he did. I mean, he was a president who actually had some idea what he was doing, so really the best I can do is just try to ape him. It’s a little bit different just because of how spineless I am; for instance, I’m letting France now lead the way on military operations. Still, it’s hard to pretend I’m not ending up in the exact same place as Bush, and I don’t have time both to both spin that and make my picks for my brackets in March Madness.” Obama took another look at his chart. “And they were pretty good picks, huh?”
“Just one more question: So, to be clear, you’re basically denouncing everything the left stands for?”
“Yep. Pretty much. I and everyone else on the left are useless whiny people with no real concern about anyone or anything outside of partisan politics. Everything we say is completely pointless and no one should ever listen to us. Now, if you have anymore questions about Libya, please direct them to the new man I put in charge of it: Ronald Dumsfeld. He’s someone who… Okay, he’s Donald Rumsfeld in a wig; I don’t have time to keep up any subterfuge. Gotta go play some golf!”
With gas prices going up, Obama has finally decided to start a new war for oil.
To people who are starving: Stop that.
We thought we had a good fire escape plan until I noted it lacked an exit strategy.
Married life is pretty much as I expected: A bunch of attractive women making moves on me before noticing my ring and shouting, “Dammit!”
Can’t we all just compromise and elect Two-Face?
Of course, Two-Face would probably just end up as a tool of the weighted coin industry.
So Obama is like a slower version of Bush.
So, to be clear, all of the left’s objections to Bush were partisan nonsense and didn’t reflect any deeply held beliefs?
Why don’t we just make it our policy to murder all dictators. If you’re a dictator, we’ll murder you.
Future history book: “While George W. Bush was somewhat controversial as president, most of his actions were repeated by his successor.”
In his next press conference, Obama should wear a black t- shirt with a skull on it like the Punisher. He’s out for justice!
We drag Qdaffy out of a spider hole yet?
Talked SarahK into making a California roll with bacon in it. Calling it a Reagan roll since it’s California plus awesome.
Birdemic plus RiffTrax was one of the funniest things ever. RiffTrax should get that director to make movies exclusively for them.
Still trying to understand: So it’s okay to do exactly what Bush did as long as France leads the way?
We’ll know Andrew Sullivan has really turned against Obama when he starts raising questions about Obama’s uterus.
Our new microwave has a metal rack in it. That freaks me out.
Libya is different than Iraq because Obama assures us we’ll be greeted as liberators.
The government didn’t step in and save Firefly, so obviously no show is so good that it requires government funding.
Trimming a few seconds off of a video I took with my Droid phone before uploading to YouTube = Extremely complicated task
Reading Walking Dead comics gave me a zombie apocalypse dream last night. Keeping up barriers is hard.
Buttercup can roll side to side like a pro, but moving forward is hard.
I’m watching with interest how people react to the military action that started on March 19th.
This dictator came to power decades ago. He’s been a thorn in the side of the west for some time. He’s sponsored terrorism, and he has been killing his own people.
Some in the U.S. are concerned that we don’t have a clearly-defined mission. But here’s the truth of the matter. The president, whether you like his politics or not, decided not to take unilateral action, but to get the U.N. to say that if the dictator doesn’t stop, force will be used.
He didn’t. And now force is being used.
There will be lots of people in the U.S. opposed to this action. Others will support it. At least one Democrat has called for impeachment. And the media don’t really know how to handle all of this.
What will I do? Well, I’ve decided to get in my time machine and go forward eight years. 2003 looks like it will be a rough one. 2011 will have to be better, right? In fact, when I get to 2011, I’ll post these thoughts on the Internet somewhere for people to read. They’ll read what I wrote and think how silly it all was.
This is terrifying: a gang of feral cats the size of dogs is attacking people in Australia.
Ever notice how to domesticate the dog they made it calmer and more social, but to domesticate the cat they made it… smaller. That’s what a house cat is: This thing with weird lizard eyes, sharp teeth, and retractable claws (?!) that’s just too small to kill us. You take one of those and make it the size of a pit bull and suddenly you’ve gone from pet to literal monster. You know what a cat the size of a dog is? It’s a tiger — except without the nice temperament.
Here’s a horror scenario: Suddenly all house cats become the size of dogs. Tell me that wouldn’t be at least ten times worse than a zombie apocalypse.
A bill to allow conceal carry on campus had passed the House in Idaho. That seems to me a good reason to make sure Buttercup goes to a local college instead of one that would make her defenseless. Of course, lots of people don’t see it that way and are freaking out saying everyone is going to start shooting each other.
Here’s a point we can’t make frequently enough: Conceal carry is no longer theoretical. There are 40 states with right to carry. There are plenty of campuses where conceal carry is currently allowed. That means you can’t just mouth off about what you think is going to happen when conceal carry is allowed in a new area. It doesn’t matter what you think is going to happen because there are plenty of real-world examples. We’ve had conceal carry for decades. If all the horrible scenarios gun control advocates dream up had any basis any reality, they should be able to point to tons of examples by now. So either point to a real world example to argue with or shut up.
Again, two options when arguing against conceal carry:
1) Point to an actual example of conceal carry leading to people shooting each other that you want to avoid.
2) Shut up and admit that your fears have never come true in reality and thus you have a poor understanding of human behavior which means its best you excuse yourself from all political discussions.
I guess we’re in a new mode of operations now. Instead of being the leader of the free world, when bad things are happening and people need our help, we wait for the U.N. to do something. That means more people get slaughtered while we wait for the U.N. to go through its motions, but the end result is you get U.N. approval. Which, I dunno, I guess is worth something for political cover.
Guess what: U.N. approval, baby!
I like how the vote was 10-0 with China and Russia abstaining. Like they know that Qdaffy is a loon and super unpopular, but actually taking a vote to stop slaughtering protesters would just be too out of character for them. Gotta keep the evil cred.
So what now? Qdaffy had really been successful at stomping out the rebels while we sat back and watched, so hopefully it’s not too little too late. The way Obama is going about this is pretty much the opposite of the more proactive peace strategy I outlined in Nuke the Moon. If we were following that strategy, a long time ago Qdaffy would have died from natural causes: Piranha bites. Because when dictators are loons, sometimes piranhas fall out of the sky and bite them to death. It just happens; it’s not like America has anything to do with it. Even if the piranhas had little American flags on them.
I should note that Buttercup is one quarter potato-licking drunkard.
Every time I see the movie title “The Lincoln Lawyer”, I wonder if it’s a sequel to “The Rural Juror.”
I’m confused by this NYT paywall; how much will I get paid to read Krugman?
Saint Patrick wasn’t an actual saint. In fact, most historians believe he was really a monkey.
You have to be careful with Irish history because of the lack of non-drunk observers.
Never paid attention to March Madness, but I always get hyped for April Angriness.
Helen Thomas is in the April issue of Playboy? I do not like the sound of that.
Do people still pay for issues of Playboy? I’ve heard rumors you can find nudie pictures for free on the internets.
What you can’t get for free on the internet: Interviews with Helen Thomas. Wait; yes you can. You just wouldn’t.
So the Muslim TV executive who beheaded his wife got 25 years to life for 2nd degree murder. I would think a beheading would automatically bump a murder up to 1st degree, but I’m not a lawyer (I possess a soul).
Anyway, Muzzammil Hassan founded Bridges TV which he hoped would help portray Muslims in a more positive light. Now, America has lots of peaceable, friendly Muslims, and I can see why they’d want some better publicity. That’s why if you’re trying to present a more moderate view of Islam, you really need to suppress that urge to behead your wife. It just plays into the stereotype too much; islamaphobic people are going to seize on incidents like that. So as much as you might think your wife needs to be beheaded as part of an honor killing, you have to just say no. But if you really really need to murder your wife, at least just poison her or something — just do it in some way that doesn’t play to negative Muslim stereotypes. I know that’s not as symbolically satisfying as beheading, but being moderate involves at least incorporating some western ways… like leaving people’s heads on their bodies.
According to scientific polling, white people who want less government are less racist than white people who want more government. Basically, the Democrat Party gets most of the black vote and the white racist vote. Might seem like a contradiction, but it’s not that surprising. We all know the extremely patronizing attitude of the white liberals who are the main leadership in the Democrat Party, and that leads itself pretty easily to racism. A big part of wanting less government is thinking all people are equal and can get along without government help, but if you think certain groups of people are inferior, it does follow you’d want more government to watch over people.
Anyway, this is Science!, so we can’t argue with it unless you’re some backwards, science-hating caveman. It just means we need to confront anyone asking for more government on their racist attitudes. If someone proposes a new government program, ask him:
“Why do you hate black people?”
“Why won’t you admit to hating black people?”
“Admit it: You’re thinking of how much you hate black people right now.”
“Where are you going? Is it to some vantage point from which you can better hate black people?”
“Hey! Everyone! Watch out for this guy walking away from me! If you’re black, he’ll hate you!”
If we confront enough Democrats, maybe we can finally get them to give up their racist crutch of more government. And that’s why they’re so slow to cut anything; balancing the budget would be like admitting black people are equal.
When you go out to drink your green beer today, you’ll probably wander into a pub and bump into some smug Irishman who’ll bust your chops for being ignorant of the history & traditions of the land which St. Patrick’s Day was intended to celebrate.
Well, brother, I’ve got your back. Paddy O’Tatertot will dumbstruck by your vast storehouse of knowledge when you regale him with these:
* Bram Stoker was working as a civil servant in Dublin when he wrote “Dracula” in 1897. The main character was based on an old pub lout named Drac O’La who was notorious for sneaking around the room sipping peoples’ beers when they weren’t looking.
* Ballygally Castle in County Antrim, is allegedly one of the most haunted places in the country. Lady Isobel Shaw, whose husband built the castle in 1625, reportedly did not pay off her student loans, and the castle still receives mysterious harrassing phone calls to this day.
* The national sport of Ireland is “hurling”, a similar to field hockey, with much shoving, brawling, and hitting with sticks. It’s been described as “what would happen if last call lasted for an hour”.
* In 2003, a village known as “Dun Bleisce” changed its name back to the indecent-sounding “Fort of the Harlot,” as it was known in the distant past. Some of the residents claim that a more accurate translation is “Fort of the Hilton”.
* It was once popular in Ireland to pin sprigs of shamrocks on your coat on Saint Patrick’s Day in remembrance of his using shamrock leaves to illustrate the idea of the holy trinity. At the end of the day, one would “drown the shamrock” by putting a few shamrocks into a glass and covering them with whiskey. Thus the saying “In Ireland, EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day!”.
* The national symbol of Ireland is the Celtic harp, not the shamrock. The harp is less popular, though, because it’s hard to find a glass big enough to drown one in.
* Unlike the Scottish bagpipes, the Irish uilleann pipes do not have a pipe going directly to the mouth. However, there IS usually a straw going directly to a pint of Guinness, so sometimes it can be hard to tell.
* An odd Irish birthday tradition is to lift the birthday child upside down and give his head a few gentle bumps on the floor for good luck. The number of bumps should allegedly correspond to the child’s age plus one. For adults, the bumps are replaced with whiskey shots and fistfights.
* The original Guinness Brewery in Dublin has a 9,000 year lease on its property. Legend has it that when the lease expires, God will descend from heaven to punish the wicked of Ireland with eternal sobriety.
* One of the most popular radio shows in rural Ireland is still the weekly broadcast of local obituaries, since people with thundering hangovers keep hoping to hear their names.
* An old legend says that, while Christ will judge all nations on judgment day, St. Patrick will be the judge of the Irish. Denis Leary gets Boston.
* Catherine Kelly, who died in 1785, was allegedly the smallest Irish woman ever. With a total height of just 34 inches and a weight of 8 pounds, she was known as “The Irish Fairy”. At least until Michael Flatley came along.
* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him/her. Or that you got drunk and passed out in the church belltower again, Father.
* “Gulliver’s Travels” writer Jonathan Swift is buried in St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin, where his remains are held fast by dozens of tiny ropes.
* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. To help you imagine this, picture the lineup outside an American Idol audition, except with talent.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go “drown the harp”.
[Tip o’ the green plastic derby to Ireland-Fun-Facts.com]
Obama remains cool and collected in a crisis, much like a lamppost.
RIP Nate Dogg, composer of one of my favorite country songs: “My Tractor Is All I Need”. I don’t know who Nate Dogg is.
Nate Dogg sounds like Randy Jackson critiquing someone named Nate. “Nate Dogg, little pitchy.”
I am not satisfied in my level of smugness.
I think many people underestimate how important science is to physics.
Someone want to argue for setting orphans on fire so I can bravely take a stand against you?
Really seems like anyone could do my job if given the same education, years of experience, and intelligence.
The Ghostbusters logo was based on the original Planned Parenthood logo (though that had a baby on it instead of a ghost).
I don’t care if someone calls himself a liberal or a conservative as long as what he says confirms my own prejudices.
There’s a competition idea: Get prominent liberals and conservative and see who can more convincingly argue the other side.
Kind of seems like the doing nothing strategy with Libya is getting the expected result.
iPad by far the best computer to use while rocking a baby to sleep.
At what age do children learn to like things ironically?
Why don’t we meet back here in a month and read a nicely typed report on whether the nuclear plant damage was a huge catastrophe or not?
Georgia is in trouble with the DEA. The feds have seized Georgia’s supply of thiopental, which is one of the drugs used in the state’s lethal injection procedure.
It all began when customs held up a supply of thiopental in Memphis last summer. Seems some states, including Georgia, went and got some more from another source. Only that source, which the state identified as Link Pharmaceuticals, a British company (which was bought by Archimedes Pharma Limited around 5 years ago), isn’t FDA approved.
Last month, lawyer John Bentivoglio wrote a letter to Eric Holder complaining about how the state got the drug. Bentivoglio wrote Holder on behalf of death row inmate Andrew Grant DeYoung, who killed his parents and teenage sister back in 1993.
Now, the DEA has seized the state’s supply of drugs.
Anyway, some people are all upset that one of the drugs that Georgia uses to kill people might not be safe.
This is one of those things that, a few years ago, would have been a story in the Onion or some other satiric source.
In Obama America (AKA Bizarro World), it’s business as usual.
Here’s an interesting article on how pickpocketing is disappearing as it’s something that takes skill and practice and today’s criminals are too lazy and stupid for it. I’m not sure how concerned to get in the declining quality of criminals. It means we’ll never actually see supercriminals as criminals aren’t going to engage in anything more complicated than hitting someone over the head and grabbing money. They’re probably even too lazy to put on clown makeup before a crime.
I think it’s just too easy to make a living doing legal things these days. In the least, you might as well just get welfare instead of directly robbing people and it takes even less effort. If making a living were a bit harder, then you might have smarter people turn to crime and rob banks with freeze rays and themed henchman. So that’s a side-effect of prosperity — really really dumb lazy criminals. It’s hardly even worth Batman’s time. I mean, billions in gadgets and all he ever runs into are a couple stupid thugs who only require a punch to the face.
Oh, I hope out of boredom he doesn’t turn to crime!
Gas prices sure are getting higher. I remember more fanfare about that during Bush’s presidency, but now that there is a Democrat in office, the media probably figures high gas prices are good as it will force us all to get hybrids. Still, I think gas prices would have to reach $50 a gallon before buying a Chevy Volt would make economic sense.
Why don’t we just drill here in the U.S.? Drilling for oil really isn’t just for angry Middle Eastern countries; we can do it too. Then, when there is big unrest in the Middle East (because it’s Wednesday), we can say, “Oh, how quaint. Interesting fact: That has absolutely no effect on our drilling operations here in America.”
We’ll probably one day we’ll need to find a power source more abundant than oil, but my guess is it will also be even more explosive. That’s just how tech works; the more advanced things get, the more potential for explosions. Like, back in caveman time, all they had were a couple sharpened rocks tied to sticks. Those never exploded. Then again, cavemen also couldn’t automatically record their favorite TV shows and them watch them at their leisure. So trade offs.