The Islamic Messiah
Iran has a video out saying that the coming of the Islamic messiah is near. Hopefully when he comes he’ll be a nice messiah and tell all the Muslims, “Here’s a crazy religious idea: Let’s not murder so much. I have a lot of religious edicts to tell you, but for now let’s just focus on the not murdering so much. Plus, let’s stop living like angry cavemen.” But I don’t have much hope that’s what he’ll be like; instead, he’ll probably be like the expected, “Kill all the infidels! Conquer the world! Me hate joooos!” And then he’ll lead the Middle East against the West with his magical Islamic powers!
I drew a picture of what we might expect:
The three-bearded Islamic messiah showing off his lightning powers. He is vulnerable to bug and grass type attacks.
Yep, he has lightning attacks! And three magical beards! Well, only two are magical, but if I said he has two magical beards everyone would point out, “But he’s got three beards!” and then I’d explain that one isn’t magical and just a regular beard and I’d have to do that over and over and it just isn’t worth the hassle.
BTW, you might want to draw his picture now, because I assume once he’s here it will be offensive to depict him. News coverage of him might have to blur out his face or something.
Anyway, I hope the military has added the possibility of an Islamic messiah with lightning powers into their war plans. He’s going to try impose Sharia throughout the world and eliminate our bacon supplies; he must be stopped!
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(20 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
March 29th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I grinned.
March 29th, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Got to get ba keyboard sheild before logging on to IMAO.
Magic beards, finger lightning bolts… sure Islam hasn’t been watching some George Lucas movies?
Or did someone anger Fred Thompson again?
March 29th, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Behead those who insult bacon.
March 29th, 2011 at 12:38 pm
That is one ugly, magical SOB, Frank. Kinda looks like a cross between Crusty The Clown and Mohammed
March 29th, 2011 at 12:38 pm
The Iranians said something about enforcing Sharia law, so he prolly should have a badge of some kind, but not if he’s going to be undercover like in Starsky and Hutch. “Messiah and Imapajamahead: Two cops on the fastest orange camel in the desert make the world safe for Sharia law. Special guest appearance by Osama Bin Laden as Huggy Bear.”
March 29th, 2011 at 12:39 pm
I have it on good authority that ThreeBeard is vulnerable to strips of bacon. If you throw some bacon at him, he runs away crying.
Of course, the idea of wasting a couple of delicious bacon strips on Threebeard is appalling, but think of all the other bacon we will save by driving him away. We need some long term thinking here, folks.
March 29th, 2011 at 12:46 pm
I’d like to put a plug in for the magical Hodgie!
March 29th, 2011 at 12:48 pm
His middle name isn’t Hussein, is it?
March 29th, 2011 at 12:48 pm
Wouldn’t he also be vulnerable to barber shears? Depending on his size when he comes down
maybe helicopter rotor blades could be substituted in the final boss battle. Hmmmm…what happens if his beards grow back like the heads of the hydra? In that case we may need a closer shave and fire trucks filled with Barbasol. I also suggest luring him into a trap where the surface is coated with bacon grease so he slips and falls making it easier for us to shave him.
Gargantuan banana peels would be a decoy so he would walk over the area with the slippery bacon grease instead. If he comes down at 6:59 P.M. we could have obambi on the loudspeaker with a call to prayer and when he kneeled down we could then hit him with concentrated artillery fire also. We’ll find a way the world is counting on us!!!
March 29th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Where’s the flying carpet? You can’t be the Magical Imam without a Flying Carpet! I would let our military know. I think some Warthogs might punch enough 50mm holes in the Carpet to make it a Lying on the Floor Carpet only! Then we need to call in the plane with the laser beam meant to shoot down missiles. When the Imam shoots an electrical bolt, we blast him with the Laser Beam and shout how’s that Mr. Smarty Pants?
March 29th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
He can be repelled by a bar of soap and a hot bath. Thanks for the heads up, Frank! I will now proceed to the nearest Safeway and buy up every pork product available and store away safely.
March 29th, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Dang!! Forgot about the flying carpet. In case the CAS Warthogs can’t bring him down what about an EMP pulse? If nothing else if would make all the hairs on his 3 beards stick straight out
effectively blinding him by having him have to peer out of a giant hairball. With luck, blinded by the hairball, he’ll fly into the Dubai Tower, crash to the ground and then be crushed by the falling debris. Then have a few C130 gunships orbiting just to make certain he stays down.
March 29th, 2011 at 1:18 pm
Orrrrrr…make a pact with the Borg collective so they can have a cube orbiting the Earth, so when he phases out of religious drive, they can assimilate him safely in outer space.
March 29th, 2011 at 1:19 pm
“I think some Warthogs might punch enough 50mm holes in the Carpet to make it a Lying on the Floor Carpet only.”
The A-10 has “only” a 30mm cannon, but since a few .22 holes is all that required to ground his carpet, it’s no big deal. I hear Threebeard also has the power of unwashed stink which he projects along with his lightning bolts. Good thing Warthogs have oxygen masks.
March 29th, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Those wacky Iranians. The Islamic Messiah has already arrived…he just made another speech last night.
March 29th, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Three beards? Are you sure he’s not just taking hairstyle tips from the boss from Dilbert?
March 29th, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Has FramkJ been taking art classes? This seems much more ‘full figured’ than his earlier works.
March 29th, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Why waste tasty perfectly good bacon when Three Beards can be faked out with turkey bacon?
March 29th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Most people don’t realize he has 3 beards because
1. It is blasphemy to portray him with a beard ( watch your back Frank.)
2. usually most of the beards are concealed by the bucket on his head.
Btw The beards are named: Hope, Change, and Stanley. Stanley is the non-magical one, but is his favorite as it is named after his mother.
March 29th, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Frankly, bring it on. We have depleted uranium. What does he have? Swords. He has swords. We’ve advanced from swords to depleted uranium. He’s advanced from swords to….rusty swords!
March 29th, 2011 at 4:13 pm
Then their messiah would probably get the same treatment as our messiah.
March 29th, 2011 at 4:54 pm
I suggest we introduce him to ‘riding the lightning’, electric hair style.
He looks like Larry Fine(of the 3 Stooges) with a beard! The Islamic messiah is a JOOOO!
His 3 beards form a flux capacitor, and the lightning from his fingertips provide the 1.21 Gigawatts, so all he needs is to ride his magic flying pony(named Buraq) to get to 88 mph, and he’ll be able to Win The Future! He must be stopped!
Mahdi, isn’t that dyke-ish Golden Girl? She ALWAYS scared me.
March 29th, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Frank get ready for a fatwa to proclaim a jihad on IMAO. Shoot how come I can’t have a fatwa called on me. And I’ll never get a Jihad declaired on me either. So when puff the magic messiah shows up at your door tell him to come visit me.
March 29th, 2011 at 6:44 pm
The Sisterhood Of Bacon-Eating Bee-yatches (SOBEB) vehemently opposes the waste of precious bacon resources on defeating Three-Beard. Any pork product will do. I suggest poo.
March 29th, 2011 at 10:14 pm
I am stock piling cans of Nair and bags of pork rinds for the epic end of days battle.
March 29th, 2011 at 11:32 pm
Where’s Gandalf when you need him?
You… Shall Not… PASS!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4UfAL9f74I&feature=related
March 30th, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Where’s his towel? The Minor Prophet Al-Roosta taught that one should never go on any journey without his towel. Even the Arab Borg doesn’t go anywhere collectively without their towels.
March 30th, 2011 at 2:42 pm
vulnerable to bug and grass type attacks.
Or bacon prayer mats.
March 30th, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Revelation 19 Jesus is better
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:11-21&version=ESV
September 23rd, 2011 at 11:01 am
[...] for. Along with conspiracy theories, he talked about the twelfth imam (the one with three beards, two of them magical and one of them normal) coming to take over the world or something. The twelfth imam is also known as the hidden imam, [...]