SETI Shutting Down

So SETI, the search for extraterrestrial intelligence, is shutting down due to lack of funding. Seems about time. I mean, how many years and millions of dollars can you spend finding nothing before you say that maybe it’s a waste of time. You can easily find no alien radio signals all day long for way less money than it costs to run a giant array of satellites — in fact, I’m doing just that right now. Actually, if you want, I can be SETI, and I’ll do it for way cheaper — just $300,000 a year. For that, you get an official report every month about how I didn’t find any alien signals. Then, if people are asking if we’ve detected alien intelligence, you can just say, “Frank J. hasn’t heard anything.” Deal?

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Other Mysteries About Obama

Now that the long form birth certificate about Obama has been released, that solves one mystery about Obama. But there are still many unanswered questions about him.


* Who is that little man who follows Obama everywhere and never says anything?

* What was Obama doing when no one could find him for six days in January, and why did he come back bald?

* Why does he every so often stare silently into the camera and mouth the word “retinaculum”.

* Why will he never look children in the eye.

* Why has he given explicit instructions to his staff to never say his name backwards?

* Why is it extremely rare to see a photograph of him without a duck in the background?

* Why the extreme fear of carpets?

* Why does he sometimes accidentally refer to himself as Lithgow?

* Why will he never go near water?

* Why for the longest time did he always wear a pin depicting an egret?

* Why does he always blink at extremely irregular intervals for one minute and not blink at all the next?

* Why is his left hand always gloved?

* Why does he always seems so confused or even alarmed by laughter?

* Why does he quickly leave the room any time the royal wedding is mentioned?

He’s a pretty mysterious guy. Probably the simplest explanation for all this, though, is that he’s secretly Muslim.

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Random Thoughts

We can still claim Obama is secretly Muslim, right?

The main thing people seem to he getting from this birth certificate hoopla is that everyone other than them is stupid.

Oh. So that’s where the confusion came from. The city in Kenya Obama was born in is named Hawaii.

Well, this really complicates the matter of where we deport Obama to.

If you’re all tired of hearing about birther nonsense, then stop talking about it! Whoops; now I fell into that trap.

I’ve just never understood how Thor as a superhero is supposed to be interesting.

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Yes, the birth certificate is real

Now that Barack Obama has finally released his birth certificate, you would think that people would get back to more important things. But you’d be wrong.

Not everyone is convinced it’s real. But the evidence indicates that the birth certificate is real.

Decide for yourself.

First, here’s the birth certificate

Now, let’s look at the items that some are still questioning.

The background

Notice that the pattern background continues straight, while the paper itself curves down into the binding of the book in which it is contained.

There is a simple reason for this: The background actually curves up on the real document. This was a common practice in Hawaii in 1961. Hawaii had only been a state for a short period of time. Remember, the United States only got Hawaii after Franklin Roosevelt stole it from Japan to start World War II. Within 25 years after the end of that war, Hawaii was made the 57th state.

People knew that children born during those first few years wouldn’t even become eligible to be president until 1995. And that anyone born during those first few years would come under intense scrutiny. So, in order to assist those future examiners of documents, it was decided to make the background on documents curve up, in order to offset the natural downward curve that appeared when a bound document was photographed.

How did they accomplish this? Remember, we stole Hawaii from the Japanese. And Hawaii was Japan’s leading technology testing ground. The Japanese developed upward-curving background images in labs.

Other Japanese technology we uncovered in Hawaii would be used to fake the moon landings from 1969-1972.

The score: Real 1, Fake 0

Race of the father

Notice that the race of Barack Hussein Obama, the father listed on the birth certificate, is listed as “African.”

Some might wonder why “African” was used rather than “Negro,” “Black,” or even “Colored,” as was often the case in many states at the time.

The reason is simple: In order for the child to be considered an African-American in later years, the father would have to be listed as “African.”

It is true that the mother is listed as “Caucasian,” rather than “American,” but that was a common practice of those unenlightened times.

One other note: if the document was a forgery, the forgers would have made the mistake of listing the father as “African-American.” Instead, the “-American” was omitted, proving that it’s not a forgery.

The score: Real 2, Fake 0

Registrar’s signature

Some aren’t certain that the registrar’s signature is real.

It’s easy to see that it is, if you just look at it. It says “Ukulele,” which, as everyone knows, is of Hawaiian origin.

If the document was a forgery, the signature would have said “Banjo” or “Guitar” or even “Orutu” or “Nyatiti.” But it doesn’t. It says “Ukulele,” which is of obvious Hawaiian origin.

The score: Real 3, Fake 0

The clincher

There is one other piece of evidence that, even if all of those so far mentioned are explained away, will clinch it.

At the bottom of the form, in block 23, the question reads: Is this document a forgery?

The “No” checkbox is clearly marked.

The most convincing evidence is in the document itself. There is no need for outside resources being used to check and compare signatures, dates, or anything else. It’s clearly marked that the document is not a forgery.

What more proof do you need?

The final score: Real 1-gazillion, Fake 0

Going forward

It is clear from the evidence that Barack J. Obama was born in Hawaii. This should put all that birther nonsense to rest.

Now maybe the president can go about doing the important things he needs to do.

Like play golf and appear on Oprah.

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