Superheroes and Patriotism
Hello, Aquafans!
As you may have heard, Superman is renouncing his U.S. citizenship.
Frankly, good riddance.
You know, the main DC superheroes have never been good representatives of America. Superman has just always thought he’s better than everyone because he has pretty much every superpower (except he can’t talk to fish). And his alterego works for the New York Times or something, so he is just completely out of touch with the common man. Actually, the way he explained his decision to renounce his citizenship to me was, “Nobel prize winning economist Paul Krugman thought it was a good idea.” I swear the guy snorts white kyrptonite.
With Batman, you never see him waving the flag. That would just go against his dark persona he wants to keep up. What a disturbed little man; if he did get patriotic, he’d probably end up joining a militia or something.
Wonder Woman’s costume does make her look like she’s a patriotic stripper, but she’s actually part of some overseas feminist cult. She’s always ranting on and on about the pay gap between men and women. Hey! The Justice League doesn’t pay me at all!
Green Lantern is part of some intergalactic police force whose authority comes from… where? Weird little blue guys? I do not trust him. Any day now he could pull over the whole earth for speeding.
And the Flash… well, frankly, shouldn’t someone whose power is to run away really fast be more representative of France than the U.S.?
But, me, I was born in Maine and am a proud American. I even got my start fighting the Nazis. And though you might not always see it, I’m often wearing a flag pin. So you can always count on Aquaman to stand up proudly for the U.S. of A.!
Plus, Atlantis kicked me out.
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April 29th, 2011 at 3:15 pm
Oh Great! We use to have Ronaldo Magnus and John Wayne…now we have Barry and Aquaman! We are France!
April 29th, 2011 at 3:42 pm
Hey !! Aquaman has a Nuke the Moon T-shiet. Where’s mine ??!!
I don’t trust Aquaman. Kind of resembles that klow down commie Captain Planet.
April 29th, 2011 at 4:02 pm
The moon has no water on it. NUKE IT!
-Aquaman out-
April 29th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
I find it amusing that after Obama releases his long form birth cirtificate superman renounces America. What I learn from this is Superman and his writers must be racist. Paul krugman agrees with this so he must be racist.
April 29th, 2011 at 5:06 pm
Last time I checked, Aquaman was Orin, King of Atlantis. Does he have dual citizenship or something?
Dr. J.
April 29th, 2011 at 5:14 pm
I’ve always felt that Aquaman does the Twitter if you know I’m sayin’! He’s a little “light in the flippers”… He spends A LOT of time with the Blowfish…
April 29th, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Perhaps we should help them out with some story lines, now that the once-Superman is no longer an American:
- Superman stones a woman to death for adultery.
- Superman turns in cape for Muslim garb.
- Superman experiments with make-up and women’s clothing…just for fun.
- Superman marries Aquaman.
- Superman decides to drive a Prius instead of flying.
- New powers: Superman can instantly recharge the battery of a Volt with his X-ray eyes, so that it’s owner can drive another 40 miles before he must do it again.
- Superman gives up fighting, opting instead for meaningless “conflict resolution” which results in him getting a wedgie and his lunch money stolen.
- Superman kills Jews with his X-ray eyes.
- Superman rescues Barack Hussein Obama from a giant Wookie.
- Superman takes up needlepoint.
- Superman discovers he likes to sit down when he pees.
April 29th, 2011 at 5:32 pm
A.M.: There are many in the US who are in need of a nad punchin’. Punch some nads, and we’ll accept that as your bona fides. It’s O.K. if you instruct fish to carry out your mission.
April 29th, 2011 at 5:43 pm
SuperMan has his weener lopped off and becomes SuperTrangeneredWoman and starts a lesbian love affair with SuperWoman!
April 29th, 2011 at 6:08 pm
- Clark goes to work for Rachael Maddow whom he insists on calling “Chief.” He soon develops a crush.
- People discover that his cape has been concealing *ssless shorts.
- Superman adopts a blue helmet in support of the U.N. Also changes from red shorts and cape to pink ones.
April 29th, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Atlantis kicked-out Aquaman? I would say that was a good thing, Aquaman. Apparently, they sank and disappeared – but a few swam to Africa and had dinner with some Aliens and Egyptians, which lead to building the Sphinx and thousands of years of strange headgear, culminating in the tinfoil of today’s modern UFO / Atlantian hybrids. I realize this is only an approximate ‘Theory of Atlantis,’ but, hey, I’m just trying to connect the dots in a synchronistic sort of way that ties together what we think we don’t know without coincidences or quoting George Noory. Aquaman, can you do spooky action at a distance?
April 29th, 2011 at 7:42 pm
Superman was the original illegal alien. Good riddance to him. He probably never even paid any taxes. Just broke into the country, destroyed some property in the process and received a quality education at taxpayer expense. Then, just because he does something good now and then, we owe him? Whatever happened to doing the right thing because it is right?
I, for one, welcome our new Aquaman overlord.
April 29th, 2011 at 8:08 pm
@Clemsnman: Actually, Science! discovered frozen water on the moon back in 2009. Of course, we still should nuke it, in order to melt the water and make it more Aquaman-friendly. Maybe then the “Sea” of Tranquility really will be an ocean, instead of some sort of cruel joke on unsuspecting superheroes who book their vacations on the moon.
April 29th, 2011 at 8:15 pm
I bet the original creators of superman are rolling in their graves…………..
April 29th, 2011 at 8:31 pm
So we lose Superman and keep Aquaman?
The Funniest End of Civilization Ever strikes again!
One thing I’ve always wondered about Aquaman, did Batman ever have to tell him to stay away from Robin?
April 29th, 2011 at 8:46 pm
“I even got my start fighting the Nazis”
Aren’t you getting Aqua-goof confused with the awsome Namor? Namor fought Nazis side by side with Captain America. Nuff’ said.
April 29th, 2011 at 10:30 pm
Thanks for the Krugman video. Gold!
April 29th, 2011 at 10:49 pm
Shoot who needs AguaGoof? The bass boat has a combo depth guage/fish finder. if I had any other advantage it wouldn’t be sporting.
April 30th, 2011 at 12:07 am
I guess I sort of saw this coming…
http://www.imao.us/index.php/2010/02/imao-reader-theater-the-truth-about-aquaman/#comments
April 30th, 2011 at 1:05 am
Frank J, re: DC Super Heroes… I think you would really really like the Green Lantern from the mid 80′s Guy Gardner. He was brain injured from being in a long coma, but the right wing of the little blue guys install him as the Green Lantern of Earth. He’s obnoxious but he’s also super Patriotic, ultra right wing, loves Reagan and hates the Russkies. The DC heroes keep him in the Justice League just so Batman can keep an eye on him…. you should check him out…
April 30th, 2011 at 6:23 am
@Bratgirl, I’ve paid a lot more than my fair share of taxes.
When I heard the words “conclusive proof of President Obama’s American citizenship,”
I decided I don’t want to be one anymore. I hope you’ll be happy in your new aqua-world.
April 30th, 2011 at 8:06 am
Superman could have done that thing where he flies around so fast he reverses time and either prevented the 9-11 attacks or made sure the fourth plane hit it’s target. But what do you expect when your superhero joins SEIU and can’t remember when protesting is a patriotic act or when it’s just raaaaaacist thug tactics. Pearl Harbor, Katrina, Janet Jackson’s moobfunction, he lets those happen, but he will time travel to keep his platonic relationship going for PR purposes.
April 30th, 2011 at 9:46 am
@ Dohtimes: Not if he were in a wheelchair.
April 30th, 2011 at 9:51 am
Superman couldashouldawoulda…
April 30th, 2011 at 7:04 pm
How was Superman an American citizen anyway? He wasn’t born here. Did he get a green card and eventually apply for citizenship? Or has he been using falsified documents all along? Is this like a bank robber giving up the satchel of cash he has in the trunk of his car?
I have no problem with an illegal ALIEN leaving voluntarily.
April 30th, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Hey, I like ol’ Arthur Curry, and I think he’ll be a fine all-American superhero. Plus, to my knowledge he’s the only superhero ever mentioned in a Barenaked Ladies’ song.
Wait — they’re Canadian, right? Hmm. May have to rethink this.
What’s the Atom doing these days?
April 30th, 2011 at 11:18 pm
@JoAnn,
But, he could still be president, right?
May 1st, 2011 at 11:12 am
They played around with the origin story back in 1986. Kal-el was still in a birthing Matrix /incubator when they placed him in the escape ship. He was still developing and was actually born when he emerged from the ship in Smallville. He was a legitimate American Citizen…. In 1991 there was a story of him running for US President and he was eligible (and won) ….. I think they played around with the origin story AGAIN in 2007 or so….. so it might not be true anymore….. but for a while he was legit.
May 1st, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Oh, screw it — I’m going with Aquaman, or as I call him now, ROCK-quaman!