Archive for May, 2011

Horrors! Republicans wants illegal things to be crimes! The brutes!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 10:45 pm

DNC Chair Wasserman Schultz is claiming that Republicans want to consider being an illegal alien a crime.

Oh, the humanity! The horror! The … what’s that again?


[Direct link]

Yes, she’s appalled that Republicans would want people who are in this country illegally to be considered … illegal.

Well, well, well. Let’s look up “illegal” in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster. Not Urban Dictionary. That’s useful for looking up words and phrases you hear on Red Eye. But for regular words that normal people use, Merriam-Webster will do.

illegal: adj \(ˌ)i(l)-ˈlē-gəl\
not according to or authorized by law : unlawful, illicit

Synonyms: criminal, felonious, illegitimate, illicit, lawless, unlawful, wrongful
Antonyms: lawful, legal, legitimate

And those evil, evil Republicans want illegals to be considered the first word listed by Merriam-Webster as a synonym: criminal. Can you imagine.

We did some checking. And she’s right. And not only that, here are some other things Republicans consider to be true that are contrary to her and the Democrats way of thinking. Besides being somewhere illegally being a crime.

  • Fire is hot.
  • Water is wet.
  • Sky is blue.
  • Women have secrets.
  • Ice is cold.
  • Grass is green.
  • Diamonds are hard.
  • Circles are round.
  • Bacon is yummy.
  • Roses are red.
  • Violets are purples.
  • Sugar is sweet.
  • So’s maple surple.
  • Ducks quack.

It must be nice to be that stupid and still get paid.

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lolbama! Part 64

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 8:51 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From AlanABQ:

From Arik:

From Chris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

[reference link - technically this pic is PG-13, since Obama's just going to scratch his face with that finger.]

From Les:

[reference link]

From Travelwise42:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Chris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

From Robert:

From Tracy:

[related]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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The Moon Is a Harsh Generator

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 5:04 pm

The Japanese have been worried about power since what happened with their nuclear plant and the ever increasing power demands from robotic toilets, so here comes a new plan from the Japanese: Turn moon into giant disco ball run by robots to generate all the earth’s power.

I like it. As I’ve said before, I’m pretty disappointed in the reality of 2011 versus I would have thought it would be like when I was a kid. I mean, it’s been more than four decades since we landed on the moon, and we’re still just hanging around in earth’s orbit seeing how zero gravity affects plants. It’s pathetic. Now here’s a big futuristic idea — with robots! — to go back to moon — and not just for funsies but for a profitable venture. I don’t care how practical it is; we should get to it.

I do see one problem with it. One day people will say, “President Frank J., you can’t nuke the moon! You’ll knock out all the earth’s power!” And I’ll be like, “I don’t care! It must be done!” And I probably will take a huge dip in the polls when I do it, but some things are more important than polls.

Eh, I’ll do it in my second term.

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Hacked!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 2:01 pm

So Rep. Anthony Weiner tweeted a lewd photo to one of his female followers on Twitter. His explanation: He was hacked! And Weiner has been the victim of hacking his entire life; the only reason his name is “Weiner” is because someone hacked his birth certificate. But much like that hack, Weiner has dismissed the more recent hack as just a silly prank and there is no reason any of us should investigate it any further. In fact, Weiner is calling it a “distraction”, and the last thing we’d want to do is distract those morons from wastefully spending more of our money.

But Weiner wasn’t the only recent victim of hacking. You know the Patriot Act that liberals have been decrying forever? Well, it came up for renewal, and Obama wasn’t going to sign it, but then someone hacked his autopen and it got signed! Oh well; hacks happen, but I hear the autopen is now planning on teaming up with the teleprompter to make its own shadow government. Obama just better hope there isn’t some sort of self-putting golf ball or he’ll have nothing left to do.

Furthermore, Frank J. didn’t even write this post; IMAO was hacked! Aquaman sucks and monkeys rule!

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Most Insane Obama Conspiracy Theory Yet

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 11:01 am

In my newest Pajamas Media column, I look into yet another Obama conspiracy theory, this one even more divorced from reality than all the previous.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 9:06 am

I hate Sarah Palin. She’s an idiot. But I still like her better than most other politicians.

Romney is so hyper-politiciany that it would make you feel dirty to vote for him. But vote for him we may. In fact, I hear he raises so much money we’ll eventually all be compelled to vote for him whether we want to or not.

Corsi has revealed that the first name of the person who forged Obama’s birth certificate is “Mike”, so everyone keep a look out for a Mike.

Obama doesn’t favor Palestine over Israel. He’s neutral on the issue. Which is a far left viewpoint.

Rep. Weiner tweeted a picture of his penis? Seems like there is a joke there.

We get a self-reading teleprompter to go with the autopen and we won’t even need Barack Obama anymore.

Finally watching the BBC series Sherlock. Much like Barry Zuckerkorn, it’s very good.

I debug software and hardware; I use deductive reasoning to solve mysteries all the time.

You know how excited you’d get if you won 100 million dollars? That’s Buttercup every time she sees something with a blinking light on it.

Don’t get Carnegie Mellon asking me for money. How do you charge that much and ask for donations? I’m still paying off my student loans.

They bilked me for every dollar they could while I was there. I’m not just going to break down and give them money for nothing years later.

I hear Rep. Weiner will not rest until he finds the real pervert.

The left is right. The fact that Rep. Weiner is a lying pervert is not news.

Most representatives are sociopaths. In a more enlightened system, every politician would end his career in jail.

Any reminder that the people in Washington are immoral freaks is useful.

All I want to do now is watch more Sherlock episodes. Why’d they only make three? Stupid British!

Next time I say something that upsets my wife, I’m going try saying, “Sorry, I was hacked.” as an excuse.

I thought cybercrime was when you got attacked by a cyborg. Then who do I report that to?

Worth a shot if your wife catches you in bed with another woman: “I was hacked!”

I don’t know if anyone noticed this, but the guy representing the 9th district in NY is named “Weiner”. I am not making this up.

I wonder what mean names he was called as a kid? “Preener”, “Beaner”, “Carpet Cleaner”?

When I die, I want my body to be donated to OCP so I’ll be made a robotic cop.

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If Brevity Is the Soul of Wit…

Monday, May 30, 2011 11:31 am

This guy’s 30 times better than me, because I did about thirty lines on each state.

Still, it’s a nice reminder why America is so great – you think Canada has stereotypes for any province except Quebec?


[YouTube direct link]
(viewer #252,482)

By the way, isn’t insulting every state by stereotype actually Tim Pawlenty’s campaign strategy?

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Memorial Day 2011

Monday, May 30, 2011 5:00 am

Memorial Day means, to many, the start of summer.

Many people, it seems, use the time to remember to buy burgers. Or get charcoal. Or pick up some brews.

The rolling of Memorial Day into a three-day weekend has, like the other “Monday holidays,” diluted its significance.

But, not everyone forgets what Memorial Day is about.

The families of those who fought and died — they know what Memorial Day is all about.

The children whose father or mother won’t ever come home from war — they know what Memorial Day is all about.

The wife or husband who won’t ever be able to greet her/his spouse at the airport — they know what Memorial Day is all about.

The grieving parents of a fallen soldier, seaman, airman, or Marine — they know what Memorial Day is all about.

Everyone who lives in this great country of ours — they should know what Memorial Day is all about. And most do.

Go ahead and enjoy the cookout. Enjoy the friends and family you have over. Enjoy the day off work.

Just remember who helped make it possible — and is not here to enjoy it with you.

You should enjoy Memorial Day. But you should also remember.

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Even the Twitterz knows

Saturday, May 28, 2011 11:33 am

All that fancy technological computer stuff that the Twitterz uses knows that the media thinks just like Barack Obama.

Here’s a screen capture from Obama’s Twitter page:

See that down in the corner? Where it lists other Twitter users that are similar?

See? I don’t see anyone from Fox News listed. Actually, I don’t see anyone from CNN listed, either, which sort of surprised me.

When I did a refresh of the page, CBS News did come up. Did a lot more refreshes. George Stephanopoulos, some critter from NPR, and … Twitter.

Which means that those of you who kept saying Twitter was teh ghey … may have been right all along.

UPDATE: Twitter chief picked as Obama telecom advisor. Well, that explains something.

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Hurricanes, OH NO!

Friday, May 27, 2011 3:03 pm

Crowder takes on NOAA hurricane predictions and people looking him in the face. Science!

And as a bonus video, go here to find out what happens when liberal college kids are given a petition to ban right-wing website like Drudge Report and Hot Air. Do you think they stand up for the first amendment? Have you ever met the left?

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Frank Responds to Spam Comments

Friday, May 27, 2011 12:02 pm

Look at the bounty pf spam the Great Landlord has blessed us with! We are the luckiest people in all of Macedonia!

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What? I thought I filled out the form with Google for post upper positioning! How now are people going to find out about IMAO’s famous paintings?

I like this article in this site

I hate it when people like this article in some other site. Stop stealing my articles, other sites!

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Gratitude delayed is gratitude denied! A pox on you and your pals! You come here to my blog — my home — and take my strategies and you forget to thank me? Even after all the boys studied them? What kind of psycho are you! Millions are going to be desperately aware of how much I pummel you!

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I’ll just tell you that, whatever you do, don’t talk to the regular commenters here.

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Thank you for noticing the readability. That’s something we’re proud of here at IMAO. A long while back, I looked at my blog and said, “What’s it missing?” And Harvey said, “Readability.” And I said, “SHUT UP! YOU DON’T EXIST!”

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Random Thoughts

Friday, May 27, 2011 9:07 am

Accidentally forgot Random Thoughts yesterday, so here are extra thoughts!

The plan to keep Social Security solvent by the time I retire is to find an alien civilization and embezzle all their space money.

I think the person who could enter the GOP presidential race this late and really shake things up is Mayor McCheese.

Did Oprah give everyone who watched her finale a free car? STILL NOT WORTH IT!

Instead of a cross-country bus tour, Sarah Palin should have a cross-country death race.

P Diddy can call himself whatever he wants, but we should all get together and agree to call him Oliver.

Could we put Barney Frank in prison? I think that would be a great symbol of economic recovery.

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Replacing Ed Schultz

Friday, May 27, 2011 7:55 am


Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.


Danke, mein Herr!


Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?


Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
(more…)

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Post

Thursday, May 26, 2011 6:02 pm

This post intentionally left blank.

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Another Primitive Dinosaur with Mounted Rocket Launcher

Thursday, May 26, 2011 3:01 pm

Reader Lee sent me a link with this picture:

Never forgets... to kill!

Does seem like another attempt at the idea behind a dinosaur with a rocket launcher on it. The elephant is one of the most dinosaur like of the mammals — right next to the rhinoceros and the hippopotamus — and the current largest extant land animal (since we don’t have dinosaurs), so I guess it works in a pinch. I believe Hannibal actually used the dinosaur with rocket launcher concept when he led elephants to attack Rome. I don’t know if history recorded how that turned out.

Anyway, working with elephants does seem like a good start while we’re perfecting genetically resurrecting dinosaurs. If we want to get America out of the slump its in, we have to dream big — dinosaurs with rocket launchers big.

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Jail Time for Over-Spending Legislators

Thursday, May 26, 2011 12:02 pm

I don’t really get what’s happening with our country’s budget. Paul Ryan’s budget was voted down by the Senate 57 to 40. But Obama’s budget was voted down 97 to 0 because it was just so awful not even the Democrats could vote for it. So I guess we have no budget. The Democrats probably prefer that so they can just spend crazy.

I don’t know what we can do. We’re pass the point we just need to throw out of office all the people crazy spending our money; we need to like arrest them and put them in prison for this offense. They’re destroying the country and pointlessly spending all our hard earned money and don’t even care, so they should totally be in prison because then they would care. And while in prison, we should give them a hammer and point at some larger rocks and say, “Make those into smaller rocks.” And if they ask why, we can admit, “We don’t really need either the large rocks or the small rocks, but up in the guard tower is a guy with a rifle so just do it.”

Of course, Congress would have to pass the law saying that overspending legislators should go to jail, and they’re probably not going to do that. Still, I think it’s a movement worth pursuing. If any presidential candidate supports jail time for over-spending politicians, he will get full IMAO support. That means like a post with a stick figure drawing in it. That’s pretty cool, so think about it presidential candidates. Also, full IMAO support can be purchased for $50,000.

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Zo: Examining Black Loyalty to Democrats

Wednesday, May 25, 2011 8:49 pm

Zo. From last year. Worth another viewing.


[Direct link]

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Bibi More Popular Than ‘Bama?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011 3:03 pm

So Netanyahu spoke to Congress, and he actually got more standing ovations in his speech than Obama did in his last State of the Union. So why does a foreigner seem more popular than the American president? I guess Americans have a special place in there heart for Israel. Israel has real evil on all sides trying to destroy them plus most of the world against them — they’re basically America as we like to see ourselves: the scrappy underdog trying to take on evil. And Obama is certainly a poor representation of that. He’s a guy who spent most of his life in made up jobs like “community organizer” and sees being the leader of the free world as a time to enforce social change on everyone such as his health care plan. When people are being murdered by tyrants, he only reluctantly lifts a finger. That’s not what we want to be at all.

Anyway, we have a lot of focus on the economy — and rightfully so — but we still have to remember that we are the leader of the free world and that entails a lot more than just being financially successful. The struggles of Israel remind us what are the important things we need to stick up for because no one (other than Israel) will.

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How to Make Tim Pawlenty More Exciting

Wednesday, May 25, 2011 12:02 pm

So first Tim Pawlenty goes to Iowa to speak out against ethanol subsidies, and now he’s gone to Florida to call for Medicare and Social Security reform. Dude is crazzzzzzzzz…

Okay, fell asleep again, because it’s still Tim Pawlenty. Still, he’s getting more interesting. Maybe with just a little help, he could be an exciting, dynamic candidate.

TIPS FOR TIM PAWLENTY TO BE MORE EXCITING

* Go to a biker bar. Pick fight with largest guy there.

* Vow to put our nation’s resources towards building a giant, city-destroying robot.

* Change name to Snake Pawlenty.

* Drive around in a solid gold rocket car.

* Use straight talk to tell a few states, “Your state sucks; I don’t even want your votes. I hope you all die.”

* Call your campaign the “Pawlenty of Pain Tour”.

* At every appearance, have walls of flame surround the stage when you’re speaking.

* For a fundraiser, rob a bank.

* Start debates by ripping off your shirt like Hulk Hogan.

* Explosions everywhere you go.

* Wear a patch eye.

* End a speech by breaking a cinder block with your head.

If he follows my advice, think of how exciting he’ll zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

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Codename “Chalaque”

Wednesday, May 25, 2011 9:51 am

The reports from the U.K. about the president’s codename as assigned by Scotland Yard. It’s “Chalaque,” which, according to the Daily Mail is a “mildly offensive” Punjabi word meaning, roughly, “smart alec.”

They claim it’s completely innocent, as the codenames are randomly generated. Of course, adding “Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more” might have undermined that defense.

But what about next time? It’s possible that Obama could travel to the U.K. again. I mean, he may discover he’s also Wells, and that would mean a trip to his ancestral home, where he’d talk about coming from a long line of Welsh Obamas.

We can help. We can come up with a list of approved codenames for Obama.

For example:

  • Dumbo
  • Vappa
  • Benzona
  • Windbag
  • Ego

Nope. None of those really capture it. What suggestions do you have?

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