“So there I was, and the advisor said to me, ‘You have two choices…'”
“Who was the advisor?” a reporter asked President Obama at the press conference.
“I don’t know; some guy. Anyway, he said, ‘You have two choices, you can take out bin Laden, or you can not take out bin Laden.’ So, I thought about it a moment and said, ‘I would like the first option: The one where we take out bin Laden. The second option of not taking out bin Laden is not the option I want.’ And then the advisor said, ‘We’ll be doing this without getting Pakistan’s permission.’ So I said, ‘Then I said I have to think about it a little longer.’ And then I thought about it. And then I said, ‘I think I would still like to take out bin Laden.’ And that is the story of how I personally killed bin Laden.” Obama paused a moment to bask in his own awesomeness.
“Did you congratulate the SEAL team on the mission?” a reporter asked.
Obama rolled his eyes. “We didn’t use trained animals to kill bin Laden. It was done by military people with guns. You reporters are so stupid on these matters. You’re certainly not a badass commander in chief like me who gets down in the midst of things and makes sure our enemies pay.”
“So what branch of the military did carry out the operation?”
Obama thought about that for a moment. “I think it was the legislative. Anyway, we’re getting off topic of how I killed bin Laden.”
“Why are you shirtless and wearing a bandoleer?” another reporter asked.
“Because I am like Rambo. I kill the enemies of America.”
“Follow up question: Could you please put on a shirt?”
“No, because I am a warrior. And I think the American people recognize that now. In fact, they’ve started calling me, ‘President Awesome.'”
“Who calls you that?”
“Malia did… after I asked her to. But it’s catching on. Everyone loves me now. Why a prominent conservative website said that how I took down bin Laden was — and I quote — ‘Akin to what a U.S. president would do.'”
“So do you think this victory will overshadow the economic problems our country has been having?” a reporter asked.
“Well, I don’t think the American people ever expected me to do anything about domestic problems because I campaigned as — and always was — a wartime president. If you think back to my campaign, all I ever said was I was going to hunt down and kill the enemies of America, and that’s exactly what I did. Maybe that was done to the detriment of some domestic issues, but this was important. Like, a lot of people thought the health care bill was awful. Well, that’s because I didn’t really pay attention to it because I was too busy hunting Osama bin Laden. And the reason I haven’t worked on getting the economy going and creating jobs was because I was too busy hunting Osama bin Laden. And the reason I’ve been so many strokes over par in my golf games lately is because my mind has been so focused on capturing Osama bin Laden. So, yes this hunt for bin Laden was to the detriment of some other things, but I think we all can agree it was worth it.”
“So now you’ll focus on the economy?” a reporter asked.
“Well… I’m kinda pooped out after all the bin Laden hunting, so no promises.”
“Now is it true that the intel that led to bin Laden was gained from Gitmo?”
Obama nodded. “Yes, the same Gitmo I took the initiative to not close. Not closing it was my idea, so in a way, I personally got that intel.”
“But didn’t you campaign to close it?”
Obama shrugged. “I can’t remember. I guess my mind has been so focused on bin Laden, that it’s even messed up my memory of anything unrelated to capturing bin Laden. Because that’s what I am, the president who took down bin Laden, America’s greatest enemy. What people will remember me by is this…” He then held up a newspaper which had the headline “OSAMA KILLS OBAMA”.
“Yeah, I know — bit of a typo there, but they told me they already corrected it in the online version. No one buys a physical paper anymore.”