I asked you for a good answer on how do you determine when it’s appropriate to use the government to solve a problem, and the best came from Bantha_Fodder:

First, I flip a coin
then I punch my self real hard in the nads – if it doesnt hurt when I do that, then I use the Government


Most days are dark and dreary and full of misery, but it always cheers me up when I see a comment from Bantha_Fodder.

You rest of you can eventually win HIGH PRAISE too, but you’ll need to step up your game. You know how people are always talking about how clever the commenters are at Ace of Spades? You know what they say about my commenters, though? “Wow, you sure get some interesting spam.”

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Frank Reads the News

* So Obama had a press conference and told Republicans to take on sacred cows… this coming from the guy who won’t even cut NPR — for which no one can come up with coherent argument of why Car Talk is such special speech that it needs government funding — or Planned Parenthood — which he needs to appease his sick base who isn’t just happy with abortion being legal but also needs to rub everyone’s faces in it by making them pay for it. Of course Obama’s biggest sacred cow is coming up with an actual balanced budget himself instead of going golfing. It does get rather difficult in America when the president is an obstacle to everything that needs to get done.

* Obama still won’t come out in favor of gay marriage. Everyone knows he’s a mindless, by the numbers liberal, so we know his real position on the issue, but he still acts like he’s against it. The gay marriage proponents act like it’s the biggest civil rights issue ever ever, but the left-wing messiah still doesn’t want to be seen associating with it.

* There’s a new poll showing Obama losing to a generic Republican, and that’s great, but there’s one part that’s disturbing. While most races are pretty split on Obama, he still has 95% support from blacks. When are we going to address this huge racism problem? You don’t get a number like that from people intelligently weighing the issues, that’s just pure “rally around the guy with the same race as me”. Martin Luther King’s dream of people not being judged by the color of their skin and instead the content of their character means in this case telling Obama, “Get out of the White House, you dummy!”

BTW, you 5% — you guys are awesome.

* John Kerry told Don Imus that he could “have been a good President. Maybe even a great one.” But isn’t everyone looking at the job Obama is doing and thinking in comparison they would be an awesome president? The guy ripping your ticket before you enter the movie theater is probably thinking to himself, “Wow, I’m almost overqualified compared to Obama.”

* By trying to get more taxes, California has chased off more revenue. They wanted to tax Amazon, and now Amazon has shut down its affiliate program in California. Here’s a tip for people who want more tax revenue: You get most of it from middle class people with jobs. When people have jobs, they pay income tax. When you raise taxes — especially on rich people who make jobs — you lose those middle class jobs and the tax revenue you get from them. Don’t focus on taxing; focus on letting industry grow and then you’ll get more tax revenue.

And move out of California. Just let the place die.

* Chris Hansen was caught cheating on hidden camera. Maybe it’s because I never saw the show, but I don’t get why so many people are acting like he got the comeuppance he had coming. “That’s what you get for picking on all those child predators!”

* Wisdom of the Day: “America: where if you work hard, take risks, and create jobs, someday you too can pay for other people’s mistakes.” – Jim Treacher

* BTW, I’m thinking of making this like a daily thing, but I need a better title. Preferably using the fact that my name is also an adjective… like “Frank New Analysis.” But it needs to be punchier; see, Jim Geraghty has his Morning Jolt. I want something dynamic like that… like “Frank Looks at New Items and Tries to Say Something Witty.” Anyway, if someone comes up with a good title, you’ll win… HIGH PRAISE. Think about having that; you’ll finally be able to go home and tell your kids, or your cats, or — most likely — your collectible action figures that you did something significant today.

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Random Thoughts

If I were president, my SOTU speech would always be: “You don’t bother me and I won’t bother you and we’ll get along fine another year.”

The first step to economic recovery is to burn down California for the insurance money.

Hadn’t even heard of Google+ until this morning and still don’t understand what it is, but I want to be a part of it! That’s technology!

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Thought Experiment

Obama said:

“Keep in mind that the business community is always complaining about regulation. When unemployment is at three percent and they’re making record profits, they’re still going to complain about regulations because frankly they want to do whatever they think is going to maximize their profits.”

Ok, let’s try this version:

“Keep in mind that blacks are always complaining about racism. When they have a black president, they’re still going to complain about racism because frankly they want to do whatever they think is going to get them their way from white people.”

Would Obama consider that a legitimate argument in favor of Jim Crow laws?

My point being – maybe businesses are complaining about regulations because THEY REALLY ARE THAT FREAKING ONEROUS RIGHT NOW.

Tell ya what – dial back the regs, and when we get to 3% unemployment and record profits, and the business community is still complaining, you can say “I told you so”.

But I won’t care, because we’ll have 3% unemployment and record profits.

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The Military Needs More Scifi Tech

The Navy SEALs who took out Osama bin Laden may have used night vision contact lenses powered by blinking. This is the sort of scifi technology I want to hear about our military using.

You ever play the game Civilization? I always like when you’ve been advancing your nation and then run into some isolated civilization that wasn’t able to advance and then you attack them and it’s tanks and F-15s against chariots. That should be every American conflict. Our technology should be so advanced, that beating us should be unthinkable.

That’s why we need space laser. I want every enemy of America to be scared of ever having a clear view of the sky because that is all we need to laser someone. And we need robot warriors whose metal exteriors are immune to surplus Russian armaments. Robots on the ground, lasers in the sky — that’s what you expect if you anger America. That, and a T-Rex launching rockets while charging you. So, you might think the Taliban is great, but you have to ask yourself: Is it get roasted by space lasers and eaten by dinosaurs great?

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When Do We Use the Government to Solve a Problem?

“Government should not tell you what to do unless there’s a compelling public purpose,” Mayor Bloomberg said, as he’s too short for irony to find him. And he said this in support of gay marriage, in which you’re asking the government to do something so it doesn’t even really make sense. Obviously, the lead nanny-state proponent is probably one of the worst authorities on when to apply the government, but it’s a question worth asking that I don’t think enough people have contemplated an answer to.

To make things easier, I have come up with my own method for determining when to use the government. First, when contemplating whether to use the government, one must ask himself these three questions about the problem he’s trying to solve:

Will lots of people die?

And they will die not because of their own decisions?

Have you exhausted all non-government options?

If the answer is “No” to any of these questions, then we don’t even contemplate using the government. If the answer is “Yes” to all three, then we think about using the government. First, we have to check if it’s Constitutional and in the budget. And if I were president, I still probably wouldn’t use the government because I’m lazy and don’t want to have to write up a bill, plus I’m all like, “Come on, dudes; solve your own problems. I’m playing Zelda.” Man, we need more lazy presidents.

So how do you determine when it’s appropriate to use the government to solve a problem? Best answer wins… HIGH PRAISE!

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Random Thoughts

Tom Petty is forbidding Michelle Bachman from using one of his songs in her campaign. What’s an adjective to describe that?

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Where’s the monkey?

A monkey from Emory University’s Yerkes National Primate Research Center is missing. They don’t know where it is. Some think it could be hiding in the research facility, or on the facility property. Others think it could be running wild in Lawrenceville, Georgia. But nobody knows.

It could be that it’s found a job and won’t be returning.

I know what you’re thinking: everybody that voted for Obama is a moron. And you’d be right. But about the missing monkey from Emory, you might also be thinking “What kind of job could a monkey do?”

Well, there are plenty of jobs that a monkey could do. Or do as well as those doing the jobs today. Such as:

  • Advising Obama on the economy
  • Working as a news anchor for MSNBC
  • Global Warming researcher
  • Writing for Daily Kos
  • American Idol judge
  • Newt Gingrich campaign staffer
  • Green Energy Czar
  • Windows programmer
  • Dictator of Cuba

What else could the missing monkey be doing?

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lolbama! Part 66

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

[reference link]

[reference link]

[reference link]

From Jared:

[reference link]

From Jimmy:

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

[separated at birth?]

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Robert:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From jb:

From Larsinkima:

From me (Harvey):

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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160 Million Missing Women

Ross Douthat has a powerful column (in the NYTimes of all places) of how the feminist cause of abortion has ultimately harmed women to quite a great degree. Because of sex-selection abortions, there are now a total of 160 million missing women when you look at the gender imbalance in places like China and India (Lori Ziganto has more details here). And the imbalance, of course, does not lead to happy lives for the women who did survive. So by championing being able to dispose children as the ultimate expression of feminism, feminist have caused huge harm to women worldwide that will take decades to repair… if “feminists” were interested in repairing it. This is one of those things where we’re told this is just “progress” and we’re foolish to try and halt it and move things the other direction, but it’s our duty to at least try.

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