In My World: Andrew Breitbart – Rat with a Slingshot

“Where’s Weiner?” the reporters asked. “He’s supposed to come out and explain how it was all a hack and Republicans are mean.”

“Hey, here comes someone!”

A man walked up the podium. “Wait! That’s Andrew Breitbart!” one of the reporters shouted. “We hate him!” The room erupted in boos.

“I will destroy you all!” Breitbart shouted at them.

“He’s right wing and really mean about it!” yelled a reporter. “He’s just like Hitler!”

“He’s worse than Hitler,” said another reporter. “Hitler never criticized the job we did!”

“You are useless and do nothing but get in the way of truth! I have to fight you to get the stories out there, and that is why I will destroy you all!”

“We don’t have to listen to you!” a reporter said. “You’re a liar!”

“What did I lie about?!” Breitbart screamed. “You tell me what I’ve ever lied about!”

“Stuff.”

“What stuff? You back your claims up with facts!”

“I’m part of the established media!” the reporter shouted back. “You are just supposed to believe what I say and assume I have the facts to back it up even if I don’t feel like showing them to you!”

“Your time is past!” Breitbart told them. “You are outdated!”

“We are not!” one answered. “Our newsroom just got one of those newfangled fax machines!”

“And we have our news available on one of those high tech triple-w pages!” said another.

“You are dinosaurs!” Breitbart yelled. “And I am one of those little rat-like things — the first mammals. And you’re all laughing at me, but I will destroy you and rule this planet!”

“That’s crazy! A little rat can’t beat a dinosaur!” a reporter answered. “Rats are tiny, and dinosaurs are giant! That’s why dinosaurs will be around forever!”

“No! I will use my mammal brain to like build a… slingshot… or something, and I will kill you with it! You dinosaurs will laugh at the little rat with the slingshot, but he will kill you! You will all be dead, and kids will stare at your bones in museums!”

Anthony Weiner walked into the room and saw Breitbart at the podium. “Oh, if you’re all busy…”

“You get up here now, and you apologize to me!” Breitbart commanded.

Sheepishly, Weiner headed to the podium. “I just want to tell you all that, yes, I lied about being hacked and did send that picture. I want to apologize to the American people, my constituents, and my wife.”

“AND?” Breitbart yelled.

“…And I most especially want to apologize to Andrew Breitbart.”

“Apologize to me directly!” Breitbart told Weiner.

Weiner looked at Breitbart. “I am sorry, Andrew Breitbart.”

“LOUDER!”

“I am sorry, Andrew Breitbart, sir!”

“And who is the man?”

“Well… I am a man…”

Breitbart smacked Weiner. “You are not a man! Who is the man?”

“You are the man!”

“Tell them!” Breitbart pointed to the press.

“Andrew Breitbart is the man!”

“You heard him!” Breitbart shouted at the reporters. “I am the man! Yet you aided in him slandering me while he was lying! You covered up the truth! That’s why I will use my slingshot and mammal brain to destroy you!” He looked to Weiner. “You can speak now.”

Weiner straightened himself up and smiled for the cameras. “As long as you’re all here, I think we should talk about a few important issues–”

Breitbart slapped him. “Shut up! You’re done talking!” He turned to the press. “Next time I see you, I will be laughing over your smoldering corpses!” He then knocked over the podium and walked off.

A reporter in the back giggled. “That one guy’s name was Weiner.”

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29 Comments

  1. Am I alone in taking snake as a compliment? Most American snakes eat pests, are non-venomous, and are quite edible. What’s to dislike?

    Of course, liberals rarely like things that are good for humanity.

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  2. Now we need Brietbart to go to the hallowed halls of Congress and explain to them a basic tenet of American Greatness. You are a congressman (yes the lowest life form on the planet) and you send a picture of your wiener to someone. You must resign! You don’t get to think about it, have an “ethics investigation” or see how the polls go! You must clear out your office by the end of the day or Brietbart shall lead a contingent of We The People to your location where you will be tarred, feathered and rode out of town on a rail! A tradition that very much needs to be brought back!!!

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  3. Spectacular, Frank! The best part is, this is practically what happened. I kept waiting for Breitbart to ask, “who runs Barter Town? Louder! Who runs Barter Town?”

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  4. Breitbart kicks ass. I’d love to see him walk into a Congressional hearing and start needlessly pushing Barney Frank around saying, “What are ya gonna do big guy, huh? What are you gonna do?…stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.”

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  5. What if, when all this started and they asked Weiner if he tweeted the photo of his underpants with him in them, he said, “Dude! You saw that? I must’ve hit the wrong button or something.”

    It’s the lying that’ll bring him down. Or the creepy crotch picture thing. One of the two.

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  6. it was one of the most beautiful things i’ve seen on the boob tube in a long time. the media desperately wants Breitbart to go away but he just keeps punching them, no matter how hard they whine. glorious.

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  7. Wow…..one reporter actually tells the truth and backs it with facts and now the said reporter is demonized as a “Rat”…..how low has our morals and values have sunk in this country and thank the all mighty liberal press for that!

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