In My World: Andrew Breitbart – Rat with a Slingshot

Posted on June 7, 2011 2:02 pm

“Where’s Weiner?” the reporters asked. “He’s supposed to come out and explain how it was all a hack and Republicans are mean.”

“Hey, here comes someone!”

A man walked up the podium. “Wait! That’s Andrew Breitbart!” one of the reporters shouted. “We hate him!” The room erupted in boos.

“I will destroy you all!” Breitbart shouted at them.

“He’s right wing and really mean about it!” yelled a reporter. “He’s just like Hitler!”

“He’s worse than Hitler,” said another reporter. “Hitler never criticized the job we did!”

“You are useless and do nothing but get in the way of truth! I have to fight you to get the stories out there, and that is why I will destroy you all!”

“We don’t have to listen to you!” a reporter said. “You’re a liar!”

“What did I lie about?!” Breitbart screamed. “You tell me what I’ve ever lied about!”

“Stuff.”

“What stuff? You back your claims up with facts!”

“I’m part of the established media!” the reporter shouted back. “You are just supposed to believe what I say and assume I have the facts to back it up even if I don’t feel like showing them to you!”

“Your time is past!” Breitbart told them. “You are outdated!”

“We are not!” one answered. “Our newsroom just got one of those newfangled fax machines!”

“And we have our news available on one of those high tech triple-w pages!” said another.

“You are dinosaurs!” Breitbart yelled. “And I am one of those little rat-like things — the first mammals. And you’re all laughing at me, but I will destroy you and rule this planet!”

“That’s crazy! A little rat can’t beat a dinosaur!” a reporter answered. “Rats are tiny, and dinosaurs are giant! That’s why dinosaurs will be around forever!”

“No! I will use my mammal brain to like build a… slingshot… or something, and I will kill you with it! You dinosaurs will laugh at the little rat with the slingshot, but he will kill you! You will all be dead, and kids will stare at your bones in museums!”

Anthony Weiner walked into the room and saw Breitbart at the podium. “Oh, if you’re all busy…”

“You get up here now, and you apologize to me!” Breitbart commanded.

Sheepishly, Weiner headed to the podium. “I just want to tell you all that, yes, I lied about being hacked and did send that picture. I want to apologize to the American people, my constituents, and my wife.”

“AND?” Breitbart yelled.

“…And I most especially want to apologize to Andrew Breitbart.”

“Apologize to me directly!” Breitbart told Weiner.

Weiner looked at Breitbart. “I am sorry, Andrew Breitbart.”

“LOUDER!”

“I am sorry, Andrew Breitbart, sir!”

“And who is the man?”

“Well… I am a man…”

Breitbart smacked Weiner. “You are not a man! Who is the man?”

“You are the man!”

“Tell them!” Breitbart pointed to the press.

“Andrew Breitbart is the man!”

“You heard him!” Breitbart shouted at the reporters. “I am the man! Yet you aided in him slandering me while he was lying! You covered up the truth! That’s why I will use my slingshot and mammal brain to destroy you!” He looked to Weiner. “You can speak now.”

Weiner straightened himself up and smiled for the cameras. “As long as you’re all here, I think we should talk about a few important issues–”

Breitbart slapped him. “Shut up! You’re done talking!” He turned to the press. “Next time I see you, I will be laughing over your smoldering corpses!” He then knocked over the podium and walked off.

A reporter in the back giggled. “That one guy’s name was Weiner.”

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29 Responses to “In My World: Andrew Breitbart – Rat with a Slingshot”

  1. Danny G says:

    It’s insane that I came here via google news. Slipping, google.

  2. Basil says:

    DannyG:
    Sipping kool-aid?

  3. elliott says:

    Just did a google search for Andrew Breitbart, and this post was the first result.

  4. Basil says:

    Ha! And Frank? This post is the top Google News search for “Andrew Breitbart.” Just ahead of Salon, Fox Chicago, USA Today, and the Examiner.

    PWNED!

  5. Joe Schmo says:

    It’s insane if you don’t come here via google news…

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    I would feel honored to be slapped like a stingy hooker by the Dread Pirate Breitbart.

  7. Jimmy says:

    I say Frank is da man!

  8. OhJessie says:

    “DannyG:
    Sipping kool-aid?”

    Bwahaha! PWNED!

    And this is the #1 search – In My World RULES! (Er, so does IMAO.)

  9. maddy says:

    What’s IMAO?? I was looking for info on that snake Breitbart and this is the first place Google brought up.

  10. Joe Schmo says:

    Dang it, I think my decoder ring is busted. I’m still getting “must kill moose and squirrel”…

  11. Basil says:

    maddy:
    Do you realize how much your question proved Frank’s point? I suspect not.

  12. zzyzx says:

    Yeah what is IMAO?? I was looking for info on that snake Weiner and this is the first place Google brought up. Is this all part of the vast right wing conspiracy or what?

  13. storm1911 says:

    “high tech triple-w pages”. Gotta remember that one.

    Frank has used his engineering Science! to conquer Google. Now on to the rocket mounted dinosaurs.

  14. MarkoMancuso says:

    Am I alone in taking snake as a compliment? Most American snakes eat pests, are non-venomous, and are quite edible. What’s to dislike?

    Of course, liberals rarely like things that are good for humanity.

  15. Jimmy says:

    Yay for the vast wight ring conspiracy!!!

    Now, give me what I want.

    CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!

  16. Jimmy says:

    I thought maddy used to be a regular here. Of course, there could be more than one and I are an engineeer.

  17. ussjimmycarter says:

    Now we need Brietbart to go to the hallowed halls of Congress and explain to them a basic tenet of American Greatness. You are a congressman (yes the lowest life form on the planet) and you send a picture of your wiener to someone. You must resign! You don’t get to think about it, have an “ethics investigation” or see how the polls go! You must clear out your office by the end of the day or Brietbart shall lead a contingent of We The People to your location where you will be tarred, feathered and rode out of town on a rail! A tradition that very much needs to be brought back!!!

  18. Ernie Loco says:

    Spectacular, Frank! The best part is, this is practically what happened. I kept waiting for Breitbart to ask, “who runs Barter Town? Louder! Who runs Barter Town?”

  19. EdthePastor says:

    Aw shoot! Google fixed it. Can’t get here from google news anymore. 3 min’s of fame big boy you might as well retire it doesn’t get any better.

  20. Burmashave says:

    Said Dread Pirate Breitbart as he was leaving the room, “Good night, Weiner. Good luck. Sleep well. I’ll most likely eviscerate you in the morning.”

  21. Crabby Old Bat says:

    @zzyzx: It’s not so much a vast right-wing conspiracy as a vast right-wing mammalian evolution. A mass extinction event looms.

  22. Corona says:

    Breitbart kicks ass. I’d love to see him walk into a Congressional hearing and start needlessly pushing Barney Frank around saying, “What are ya gonna do big guy, huh? What are you gonna do?…stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.”

  23. Jimmy says:

    If that means what I think it means, Crabby Old Bat, I’d like to buy you a drink firearm.

  24. MarkoMancuso says:

    Buy both, Jimbo!!

  25. Jimmy says:

    Roger that, Marksman de Mancuso. I’ve been reading the slimeballs on Breitbart’s Twitter page. Unbelievable. Bring on the mass extinction event, Crabby!!

  26. Kevin says:

    What if, when all this started and they asked Weiner if he tweeted the photo of his underpants with him in them, he said, “Dude! You saw that? I must’ve hit the wrong button or something.”

    It’s the lying that’ll bring him down. Or the creepy crotch picture thing. One of the two.

  27. Critter says:

    it was one of the most beautiful things i’ve seen on the boob tube in a long time. the media desperately wants Breitbart to go away but he just keeps punching them, no matter how hard they whine. glorious.

  28. Shane Kerr says:

    LOL You made me pee my pants with your rat brain and slingshot.

  29. HDNKR says:

    Wow…..one reporter actually tells the truth and backs it with facts and now the said reporter is demonized as a “Rat”…..how low has our morals and values have sunk in this country and thank the all mighty liberal press for that!

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