“Where’s Weiner?” the reporters asked. “He’s supposed to come out and explain how it was all a hack and Republicans are mean.”
“Hey, here comes someone!”
A man walked up the podium. “Wait! That’s Andrew Breitbart!” one of the reporters shouted. “We hate him!” The room erupted in boos.
“I will destroy you all!” Breitbart shouted at them.
“He’s right wing and really mean about it!” yelled a reporter. “He’s just like Hitler!”
“He’s worse than Hitler,” said another reporter. “Hitler never criticized the job we did!”
“You are useless and do nothing but get in the way of truth! I have to fight you to get the stories out there, and that is why I will destroy you all!”
“We don’t have to listen to you!” a reporter said. “You’re a liar!”
“What did I lie about?!” Breitbart screamed. “You tell me what I’ve ever lied about!”
“What stuff? You back your claims up with facts!”
“I’m part of the established media!” the reporter shouted back. “You are just supposed to believe what I say and assume I have the facts to back it up even if I don’t feel like showing them to you!”
“Your time is past!” Breitbart told them. “You are outdated!”
“We are not!” one answered. “Our newsroom just got one of those newfangled fax machines!”
“And we have our news available on one of those high tech triple-w pages!” said another.
“You are dinosaurs!” Breitbart yelled. “And I am one of those little rat-like things — the first mammals. And you’re all laughing at me, but I will destroy you and rule this planet!”
“That’s crazy! A little rat can’t beat a dinosaur!” a reporter answered. “Rats are tiny, and dinosaurs are giant! That’s why dinosaurs will be around forever!”
“No! I will use my mammal brain to like build a… slingshot… or something, and I will kill you with it! You dinosaurs will laugh at the little rat with the slingshot, but he will kill you! You will all be dead, and kids will stare at your bones in museums!”
Anthony Weiner walked into the room and saw Breitbart at the podium. “Oh, if you’re all busy…”
“You get up here now, and you apologize to me!” Breitbart commanded.
Sheepishly, Weiner headed to the podium. “I just want to tell you all that, yes, I lied about being hacked and did send that picture. I want to apologize to the American people, my constituents, and my wife.”
“AND?” Breitbart yelled.
“…And I most especially want to apologize to Andrew Breitbart.”
“Apologize to me directly!” Breitbart told Weiner.
Weiner looked at Breitbart. “I am sorry, Andrew Breitbart.”
“I am sorry, Andrew Breitbart, sir!”
“And who is the man?”
“Well… I am a man…”
Breitbart smacked Weiner. “You are not a man! Who is the man?”
“You are the man!”
“Tell them!” Breitbart pointed to the press.
“Andrew Breitbart is the man!”
“You heard him!” Breitbart shouted at the reporters. “I am the man! Yet you aided in him slandering me while he was lying! You covered up the truth! That’s why I will use my slingshot and mammal brain to destroy you!” He looked to Weiner. “You can speak now.”
Weiner straightened himself up and smiled for the cameras. “As long as you’re all here, I think we should talk about a few important issues–”
Breitbart slapped him. “Shut up! You’re done talking!” He turned to the press. “Next time I see you, I will be laughing over your smoldering corpses!” He then knocked over the podium and walked off.
A reporter in the back giggled. “That one guy’s name was Weiner.”