Archive for June, 2011

Question of the Day

Thursday, June 23, 2011 3:01 pm

An AP poll shows that now less than 50% of people want Obama to be reelected. So, do you think the fact that Obama is a useless incompetent is finally starting to harm his popularity?

I thought that was already factored in when he was elected (what do you expect from someone who had a made-up job like “community organizer”?), but maybe people have changed their minds and decided they don’t want someone who has absolutely no idea what he’s doing in the highest office of the land.

What do you think?

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I Guess We’re Done with Afghanistan

Thursday, June 23, 2011 12:01 pm

So I guess we’re kinda leaving Afghanistan now. They’ll be withdrawing 30,000 troops in mission “Reelect Obama”. So did we win? I never understand these modern conflicts. Seems like it would be so much easier if we just trashed a country and left and declared victory; it’s this trying to help the country out that’s so complicated and makes it hard to tell when you win.

Except, with how the Taliban sheltered al Qaeda, shouldn’t the win conditions be the total extinction of the Taliban? Shouldn’t they be gone forever without even the possibility of them being genetically resurrected and having rocket launchers put on them?

Of course, maybe this is part of that strategy. We’ll be all like, “We’re leaving Afghanistan now. Bye bye. Hope the Taliban don’t come back, but if they do, not our problem.” Then the Taliban will run in and be like, “Yay! We’ve chased out the Americans! The country is ours again!” Then the Americans troops will be like, “Ha! We were just hiding behind the bushes! Now we kill you! BANG BANG BANG!”

That’s strategery; I don’t know if Obama is up for something like that. That would take the mindset of winning, and the Democrats don’t really seem to have that. Like they kept complaining about Iraq taking away focus from Afghanistan, but as soon as focus went back to that country, all they wanted was to get out. And now Obama has started a new war in Libya that all the legal experts think is illegal. Why didn’t he get Congressional approval? Probably because then it would be a war and he’d have to try and win it instead of… whatever it is he’s doing now.

Really, it’s just irresponsible to ever put a Democrat in charge of the military. And the thing is, they don’t even want to be in charge; it’s just it comes along with being the domestic president. I think they’d much rather always have a Republican running the wars that they could keep complaining about while focusing solely on excessive spending at home. There’s an idea maybe they’d sign on to: We split up the presidency so that there is a separate war president who can always be a Republican. Then people can occasionally elect a Democrat president to just the domestic half when they want free stuff without worry of messing up the military.

And what exactly are our goals in the Middle East anyway? Do we really expect there to eventually be another country there than Israel that doesn’t act like it’s run by barbaric three-year-olds? I guess it could happen, but I think we’d have to be a stronger example than a country that just comes in and occupies until it decides it’s bored of it. And I think it would help if we had working space lasers and dinosaurs with rocket launchers because you don’t want to be on the opposite side of the country that has those.

Hmm… seemed to have entered this long, rambling post without an exit strategy. Eh, I’m bored; I’ll just end here.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, June 23, 2011 9:14 am

I’m confused on what the Democrat narrative on Afghanistan is now. The war in Iraq distracted from fleeing Afghanistan?

Pretending we’re leaving would be a nice way to flush out the Taliban.

I can’t eat peanut buttercups the way I used to; they’re too small now. I’d break all the thick chocolate edges off first and eat those and then the peanut butter center. But now they’re too chunky for that. How can we be getting more obese as a society if they keep shrinking our candy?

Rowdi is scared of thunderstorms.

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Maybe you can fix stupid

Thursday, June 23, 2011 4:00 am

Ron White is famous for his “You can’t fix stupid” routine.

Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe you can fix stupid.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: everyone who voted for Barack Obama is a dumbass. But dumbass isn’t always fatal. And it’s not always permanent.

Gene Simmons, for instance.

I’ve never considered him a dumbass. He’s a successful musician and businessman. But he did vote for Obama. And, well, you know what I’ve said about voting for Obama.

However… he’s said it more than once: he’d take back his vote for Obama:


[Direct link]

What does this mean? Well, perhaps more and more people are coming to their senses. Maybe they now realize what we were saying back n 2008 when we said that Obama was an incompetent buffoon who’d lead the country down the road to ruin.

And maybe, just maybe, we can get them on our side, the right side, America’s side.

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Letting Obama win

Wednesday, June 22, 2011 9:02 pm

In the last few weeks, I’ve had some online conversations with some people that are conservative — along with some that claim to be conservative or libertarian — that are determined to let Obama win the 2012 election.

Now, to be honest, they didn’t actually say they were planning on letting Obama win. But what they did say … well, the effect of it will be to let Obama win.

And, here’s the thing: some of you are planning on letting Obama win, too. You say you don’t, but that’s what you’re going to do.

Some have decided that “there’s no way in hell” they’d ever vote for Mitt Romney. Or Herman Cain. Or Sarah Palin. Or Jon Huntsman. Or Michele Bachmann. Or RONPAUL!!!1!! Or Newt Gingrich. Or Gary Johnson. Or Tim Pawlenty. Or Rick Santorum. Or … okay, I’ve made my point: some have said they’d vote 3rd party before they’d vote for a particular candidate.

Why? Because that particular candidate is nuts (think RONPAUL!!!1!! or Gary Johnson) or is way too inexperienced (Cain, Bachmann) or not a real conservative (Newt, Romney) or boring (Pawlenty, Huntsman) some undefined reason (Palin, Santorum) or something (pick ‘em).

You want examples? You’ll probably see them in the comments of this post by the very ones I’m talking about. And, if you look back at comments on earlier posts, you’ll see a lot of what I’m talking about.

This happened in 2008. I was all gung-ho for Fred Thompson while a friend of mine was all about Huckabee. (Remember, this was 2008.) As the GOP race narrowed, he was complaining about Romney and McCain, saying he’d never vote for either. And, of course, McCain ended up winning the nomination. And losing the election.

So, if you’re one of those that will never vote for MItt Romney/Herman Cain/Sarah Palin/Jon Huntsman/Michele Bachman/RONPAUL!!!1!!/Newt Gingrich/Gary Johnson/Tim Pawlenty/Rick Santorum … and if you hold to it … then Obama wins.

And America loses.

Sure, go ahead. Give me all your excuses.

I’m not going to let the GOP nominate just anybody and automatically get my vote. I’m going to send a message.

What message is that? “I’d rather America go to hell than vote for someone I can’t stand?” That message?

Don’t misunderstand me. You should send the GOP a message. It’s just that the timing is all wrong. November 2012 is not the time to send a message to the GOP. The time is now.

Let me say that again: now.

Get involved. Support the candidate you like. Do get involved. Let the Republicans know that, they way they’ve been doing things, you’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. And keep at it.

If, after all that, they still end up nominating another John McCain, I don’t see that I have any choice but to vote for the 2012 version of John McCain. But I’m going to give ‘em hell about it.

Because, as bad as I’d hate voting for a candidate I don’t like, I’d hate letting Obama win even more.

It’s called making the hard choices. You’ll learn about that when you grow up.

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Winnor!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011 6:01 pm

Time to award HIGH PRAISE to who came up with the best answer to “Things cooler than being an Obama supporter”. And the best answer was:

Rachel Maddow’s haircut

Except no one submitted that. So instead HIGH PRAISE goes to FormerHostage for his answer:

David Axelrod’s mustache

Great job, FormerHostage; you are truly a titan among men. Oh, and while I’m at it, thanks again for enduring that horrible thing you went through in the late 70s: The Carter Presidency.

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Jon Hunstman

Wednesday, June 22, 2011 2:01 pm

So Jon Huntsman has joined the presidential race, and people are very excited for aware of his campaign. Anyway, Huntsman will be the perfect candidate for people who… are an immediate relative of Huntsman and would like to show support for him. I just don’t get his candidacy, but the press is very excited.

Anyway, I had my crack research staff find out what they could about Huntsman, and here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN

Hmm… maybe fun facts was aiming a little too high. Maybe I should have just gone for “FACTS ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN”. Well, his name is spelled “Jon” instead of the more traditional “John”. I’m not sure how that happened. Guess you could ask his parents. If you cared.

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Government Sorta Doesn’t Want You to Smoke

Wednesday, June 22, 2011 12:02 pm

So the FDA is going to put some really graphic pictures on the top half of every cigarette pack, including pictures of cancer ridden lungs, rotting teeth, and a corpse. Oh, and this guy:

Graphic!

I don’t really get this one. Maybe smoking made him bald. I guess you luck out if you get this pack because instead of staring at death you only have to look at dour baldo.

Isn’t this a really weird thing? The government is doing everything it can to stop people from smoking sans actually banning cigarettes. How long until the warning is “WARNING: Smoking cigarettes can get you arrested for smoking.”? Except that the government gets a ton of tax money from cigarette sales, and you know the one thing government hates more than smoking is giving up tax revenue. So it’s all rather schizophrenic, and I don’t expect a happy end to it any day soon.

So how much of health risk does something have to be before the government decides they have to warn us against it? Like are we soon going to see pictures of obese people on Big Mac boxes with the warning “WARNING: Eating this may make you a big fatty.” Though there is some stuff I wouldn’t mind a warning label on. Like on the next presidential ballot, there can be a picture of a long unemployment line with the warning “WARNING: Voting for Obama is the same as hating America.”

What do you want a graphic warning label on? Best answer wins…

HIGH PRAISE!

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, June 22, 2011 9:13 am

Huntsman is his actual last name and not a nickname, right?

When it seems like your cat is staring you in the eyes respectfully, it’s really thinking how tasty your eyeballs look.

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lolterizt! Part 134

Tuesday, June 21, 2011 8:21 pm

NOTE: Participation was extremely light this week, so small round-up. And I’m forced to wonder once again if this feature has jumped the proverbial shark. Or if it’s just that it’s summer and everyone’s out doing summery things.

Of course, the other possibility is that you guys are afraid that Obama will round you up and throw you into a Super Happy Lucky Fun Reeducation Camp of Joy if you mock his peaceful terrorists of peace.

Which would be terrible, because I’d really hate to think you guys have gone soft.

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


[reference link]


[reference link]


From Kris:

[Viagra, not Matrix]

From Kris:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Larsinkima:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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What’s Cooler than Being an Obama Supporter?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011 2:02 pm

David Axelrod said that it’s still cool to be an Obama supporter.

King of cool.

So what could be cooler than still being mindlessly devoted to Obama even after he’s proven how completely useless and incompetent he is? I don’t know; tough question. Here’s what I came up with:

THINGS COOLER THAN BEING AN OBAMA SUPPORTER

* Abe Vigoda

* The kid in class who eats glue

* Steve Urkel

* Steve Urkel impersonators (with the exception of Obama)

* People enthusiastic for new Michael Bay movies

* Hoarders

* People who have memorized every line from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail

* Sparkling vampires

* LARPers

* Clamshell packaging [That was unfair. -Ed.]

* Crazy cat ladies

* Fans of The View

* Bronies

* Professional competitive Magic the Gathering players

* Your grandma

* Joe Biden

* Aquaman

* A Jimmy Carter supporter

What do you think is more cool than being an Obama supporter? Put your answer in the comments and the best one wins…

Wait for it…

Wait a little more…

(more…)

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American History Nanny State

Tuesday, June 21, 2011 11:01 am

Cities like San Francisco banning Happy Meal and trying to ban goldfish are just following the American tradition as I demonstrate in a journey through American history in my latest Pajamas Media column.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, June 21, 2011 9:12 am

I’d vote for any Republican over Obama. I’d also vote for most Democrats over him.

Buttercup finds counting in Japanese hilarious.

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Chris Wallace Tries to Nail Down Jon Stewart

Monday, June 20, 2011 3:01 pm

A fascinating watch:

Stewart’s standard dodge now seems to be that anytime a left-wing outlet is biased, it’s just being sensationalist and trying to get viewers and isn’t concerned about the politics, but FOX News is only biased for invidious reasons.

The problem is, I don’t think the left is even capable of being balanced no matter how earnestly someone like Stewart might even try. It’s like blind man trying to paint a portrait; no matter how hard he tries, he just doesn’t understand what he’s trying to do and can’t tell how well he did it when it’s done. People like Stewart are stuck in this far left prism, and he can’t even tell how distant he is from the political center. Everything to the right of him is just scary and confusing and he’s not sure how to deal with it.

Anyway, I think the reason the Daily Show gets so much focus is the failure of the traditional, left-wing MSM. With all the alternatives, no one is listening to them anymore. The last, great left hope to get the left-wing view out there is a comedy show, which isn’t actually as influential as the left like to believe.

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In My World: Legal Counsel

Monday, June 20, 2011 12:01 pm

March 2011

President Obama sat in quiet contemplation in the Oval Office. “Hey, Biden, do you think what we’re doing in Libya counts as ‘hostilities’?”

“My shoes are too big!” Biden shouted angrily. “I think someone switched my shoes out with bigger shoes.”

“I just don’t want to get Congressional approval for this,” Obama continued, “because then it’s like a war and a big deal or something, and I don’t want to make a big deal about this. Plus, Congress is like all the way across town.”

“They’re trying to make a fool of me!” Biden yelled. “I’ll show them.” He kicked off his shoes. “Now I’m not wearing shoes! Now who’s the fool?!”

Obama stared at him a moment. “I guess I’ll talk to the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel.”

“I’m going to find my real shoes!” Biden then ran out of the office.

Soon, a lawyer from the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel arrived. “What’s your question?”

“I was wondering if what we’re doing in Libya counts as hostilities.”

“Of course it does,” the lawyer. “So, you’re going to have to scale things back by May 20th.”

Obama nodded thoughtfully. “You’re fired.” He pushed a button on the intercom. “I need a new lawyer.”

The first lawyer left and a new lawyer entered the office. “What’s the question?”

“So, I was thinking that what we’re doing in Libya is not really ‘hostilities’. Don’t you agree?”

“No, it obviously is hostilities,” the lawyer said. “It’s not a big deal, though, since you just need Congressional approval and Congress loves approving wars.”

“Yeah… but I don’t want to do that.”

“But it’s your only option.”

Obama shook his head. “I know another option… You’re fired!” Obama pushed the button on his intercom. “New lawyer!”

* * * *

Obama banged his head against the desk. “Why are all lawyers so stupid! Can’t any of them understand my smart opinion!” He pushed the button on the intercom. “Are there any more lawyers left?”

“We were able to scrounge up one more, but…”

“Just send him in!”

In entered a man in an ill fitting suit with a wrinkled tie. “Name is Chad Goldstein, Attorney at Law. What are we dealing with here? DUI?”

“No, not that.”

“They probably just arrested you because you’re black. You are black, right? I keep assuming people are black and they aren’t.”

“This isn’t about that,” Obama said. “I need a legal opinion on whether what we’re doing in Libya counts as ‘hostilities’ when I’m like really sure it doesn’t.”

“Hostilities? That’s crazy!” Goldstein shouted. “What are you doing there? Flying drones around and shooting stuff — just like in a video game. And kids play video games. Would something kids do count as ‘hostilities’? Of course not. That’s crazy talk. Completely insane. WHAT IS THAT RINGING?!”

“Uh… I don’t hear anything ringing.”

Goldstein calmly took a seat. “And neither do I.”

“So you said your name is Goldstein?”

“Yes, changed it to that because it sounds Jewish; gives me credibility. Not a Jew though; they kicked me out of the synagogue I tried to go to. Do you know they have something against eating bacon? I love bacon. I think I’ll have some now.” He pulled a baggie out of his pocket. “You want some?”

“No; it’s uncooked.”

“What are you? Secretly a Muslim? Don’t worry; you can tell me. We have attorney-client privilege, which means I can’t write a tell-all about you for at least five years.”

“Forget about that,” Obama said. “I just need you to write a document saying how legally what we’re doing in Libya doesn’t count as hostilities and thus doesn’t fall under the War Powers Resolution.”

“Sure, I can do that for you. I’ll make it look real nice with lots of official sounding legal terms in it like ‘judge’ and ‘laws’. How many pages does it have to be? Can I use double space?”

“Um… I don’t know on length. So uh… where exactly did you get your law degree?”

“Hey, what’s with all the third-degree? What’s next? Are you going to ask for my birth certificate? You’re a lunatic if that’s what you’re going to do! Insane! Crazy!” He jumped to his feet. “WHAT IS THAT RINGING NOISE?!!”

“I… don’t hear any ringing.”

Goldstein adjusted his tie. “I never said you did.”

“Well, I guess we’re done here. You just get me that document that backs my view.”

“Will do. And do you validate parking?”

“Um… we don’t charge for parking at the White House.”

“I didn’t say the parking was for here.”

“No… I don’t know how to do that.”

“Can’t you just issue me a parking pardon? I don’t want to pay for parking!”

“I don’t think I can do that.”

“Fine! But you just lost a vote!” Goldstein stormed out of the office.

Obama smiled to himself. “That’s why I’m such a smart president: I find the right experts to listen to.” His phone started ringing. “Hello?”

“It’s Biden. I have good news and bad news. Good news: I found my shoes. Bad news: I’m going to need you bail me out of prison.”

Obama put his head in his hands. “Not again!”

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Random Thoughts

Monday, June 20, 2011 9:13 am

Ebert might want consider a banner that says, “I don’t like 3D; it washes out the colors.” instead of putting that in every review.

When you were arrested, what did you get one of before phonecalls existed? One loud yell?

You’d expect the Netroots to be really angry with Andrew Breitbart from how he hacked Weiner’s brain.

Just don’t have time for videogames anymore. Have to wait until I retire. Last 25 years of my life: Nothing but videogame playing.

Saving for retirement now. Definitely not going to count on Social Security to be around to help me buy videogames and candy.

Don’t know what SarahK is going to do when I retire. She just better find something to do that’s not between me and the TV.

Was excited when we went to see Wicked because I misheard and thought it was a musical about an Ewok.

Hadn’t sold any computer games at our garage sale, and then someone steps out of a car wearing a Tron shirt. Score.

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Palestine Sucks

Sunday, June 19, 2011 6:14 pm

What’s by far the most liberal, progressive country in the Middle East? Here’s Crowder on the subject:

I think with liberals, hating things conservatives support is much more important than actually standing up for any coherent principles.

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Frank Responds to Spam Comments

Friday, June 17, 2011 3:02 pm

Look at the bounty of spam comments the Great Landlord has given us!

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Why Don’t They Ever Poll Obama Versus Unspecified, Non-Generic Republicans?

Friday, June 17, 2011 12:01 pm

According to a new poll, Obama is not doing so well against a generic Republican, losing by 5 point (44 to 39). As always, this seems like good new to Tim Pawlenty, who is about as generic as you get and has pretty much no distinguishing characteristics. So does that mean we should go with a generic Republican like him? It’s hard to say, because they never poll Obama versus an unspecified, non-generic Republican. To really get some data, they need to do some polls of Obama versus…

…a cyborg Republican.
…a kung fu master Republican.
…an Amazon warrior princess Republican.
…a half man, half bear, half pig Republican.
…a mad scientist Republican.
…a pirate Republican.
…a Republican riding a grizzly bear.
…an interdimensional alien being Republican.
…a mutant with superpowers Republican.
…a T-Rex with a human brain Republican.
…a laser gun-wielding viking from the future Republican.
…a Republican with a jaunty hat.

When we see how Obama does versus all those different type Republicans, we can then better determine what sort of Republican we need to find to easily beat Obama. Some genetic manipulation may be required. Also, we may need to purchase a hat.

What sort of Republican do you want to see Obama polled against?

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Random Thoughts

Friday, June 17, 2011 9:18 am

When people gave a press conference to resign for tweeting pictures of their crotch, it used to be much more respectful.

If I added a long extension to a building, I’d call it “The Leg”. That way I could keep ordering the janitor to “Sweep The Leg!”

So for the teenager with a loud motorcycle across the street: Do I murder him, his parents, or both?

When you hear someone constantly revving a motorcycle that loud, it’s hard not to imagine someone filled with hatred for both God and man.

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