The Week in Doug

I am not a good person.

Honestly, my favorite thing about listening to Urbanski is hearing him call Obama rude names. Not inaccurate names, mind you, but ones that are not typically bandied about in polite company or in straight news shows.

The kind of below-the-belt ad hominem attacks that you usually only seen on opinion shows. And usually only about Republicans.

I guess part of it is just 8 years of pent-up schadenfreude rooted in reading what the worst of the dirtbag liberal bloggers would say about Bush. Payback’s a bitch, so I’m kinda digging this the way Inigo Montoya dug watching the blood flow from the punctured organs of a particular 6-fingered man.

I suppose, in a way, I should actually look at it as a happy, post-racial, multicultural, content-of-his character, I Have a Dream, kumbaya thing, since Urbanski continually tears into Obama with no more and no less enthusiasm that he eviscerates white idiot liberals. Just with more frequency, since Barack is the fountainhead from which the worst and most liberal idiocy spews.

All of which is my way of saying, he’s some audio clips of Doug Urbanski being a meanie (see also the Doug’s Audio Clips category:

1) “…The tea party has been created by Barack Obama as a reaction to his far-leftist, statist, marxist, communist approach to his worldview of America, and indeed, his worldview…”

2) “…The endgame here is to play hard, play wise, take the long view, take the smart view, and recapture every place in government you can, so that these demons, these statist, socialist, marxist – whatever word you want to use – so that you can correct and unravel and untie these knots they have made…”

[NOTE: I don’t think I’ve ever heard liberals called “demons” before. Sent a thrill up my leg, it did.]

3) “…To all of you out there on the left criticizing the President, all of you out there who consider yourselves the President’s base – who we are now seeing are crumbling – don’t you understand that no one should criticize this President?… Don’t you understand Obama’s perfect?…”

4) “…[Obama] is like those people on the interweb dating sites, because he represents himself one way… as 35, and 6’3′, and a triathlete, then you meet him and he’s 55, he’s 5’3″, and he’s emaciated…”

And here it is in writing. Feel free to put these on your blog. Or t-shirts. Or bumper stickers. Hell, even the occasional bathroom wall. Really, folks – lines like these are just too good not to share with like-minded people. Or to throw at liberals and watch them get all head-spinny (see also the Doug’s Gems category):

1) “Since when is Presidential leadership defined by making America poorer? They will not address deep spending cuts, they will not address runaway spending. Obama is bankrupting the future. This is his strategy for winning the future.”

2) “There’s only one message you need on the right: Obama is a hopeless spending addict. Harry Reid is his pusher. The media are his enablers. That’s the narrative.”

3) “Obama still aims to destroy the economy. He’s not moving to the center as some people opine – although he’s used a lot of words to suggest he is. But you can never listen to this guy’s words – he’s a completely pathological liar at this point. You’ve got to look at what he does and what he HAS done.”

4) “There will be a solution to this invented debt ceiling crisis when Barack Obama and his advisers feel that the Republicans have sufficiently become co-owners of his awful economy, even though they don’t control any complete branch of government.”

5) “These liberals want to change America, but you don’t want to fix what’s not broken. We’re still the best country in the world, we just need government to get out of the way. Liberals want self-responsibility and accountability to fall by the wayside. They want it to be replaced by wanting things given to you, claiming victimhood wherever you can.”

6) Obama was a 1/3 term Senator. He has never written his own legislation. He’s never owned a business. He’s never run anything of consequence. He and his smart-power team of academics haven’t a clue of what to do or how to do it. It’s pathetic.”

7) “These advisers that are telling Obama to veto whatever bill Boehner sends up, are they the same clueless advisers that let this economic holocaust happen in the first place? The same advisers that never get the numbers right and are forever talking about how unemployment rose ‘unexpectedly’? THOSE advisers?”

8) “When President Obama says ‘don’t call my bluff,’ that’s a poker reference. But what we’ve learned is that the President wasn’t playing poker at all, he’s been playing Three Card Monte.”

9) “Remember when Obama told us, about a month or two into his term, that he was pretty good at being President? Well, now he’s learning – what’s that old saying about pride and falling?”

10) “We’ve been told that Obama is a transformational figure. Yes, he’s transformational. He’s transformed the recovery into a swamp, into a sewer, into a cesspool.”

But I think the real reason I like listening to Doug is that he says stuff I wish that I had thought of first.

Yes, I am ripe with the stink of envy.

Anyway, a reminder that you can hear the whole show (and/or download it – right click the download link & “save as”) for free by hitting the show’s archive’s page.

Appropo of nothing, Doug usually refers to me on the show as “The Web Emperor, Ming the Merciless”. How awesome is that?

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Wall Street Shenanigans!

Since I’m not posting anything, here’s Crowder on the debt ceiling and wall street bailout:

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It’s Friday!

It’s Friday! You know what that means? It means I’m still on vacation and am not going to write a post.

But you commenters have done a great job of entertaining yourself, so I’d give you a fresh post to work with. One of you can comment “First!” to it and get that great “I’m first” feeling.

And I hear Obama just gave another speech! Did he solve everything with it?

And also I heard someone was caught plotting to attack Ft. Hood. Was he Norwegian? I’ve expected a big Norwegian backlash, but I’ve been the only one beating them up lately.

And most importantly, in video game news, Nintendo has announced a huge price drop (more than 30%) in the 3DS already, so I guess they botched that. At least for being a sucker who already bought it, I get to be an “ambassador” — just like John Bolton! Yay!

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You Write a Post

Since I’m on vacation and I never plan ahead to get a substitute, you, the readers, will have to write the posts. So get together in the comment here and plot some post to write… maybe something about the debt ceiling. Man, I hope that gets solved before I return from vacation which is… August 2nd. Oh.

Anyway, why don’t you come up with a list topic like “Solutions to the Debt Ceiling Debate” and then come up with items for the list. You guys can figure it out. You’re smart.

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lolbama! Part 68

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From James:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From Larskinima:

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From Larsinkima:

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From Larsinkima:

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From Les:

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From MH:

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From Robert:

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:


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From James:

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From Mark:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with [Hat tip: Laurie]:

Yeah, that’s Hillary. If I look like that when I’m 64, just shoot me.

NOTE: I’m totally nominating Kris for an Obscury on this one. I had no idea Rocky Horror had a sequel.

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Rick Perry Will Save Us All

* I always forget to plan these things for the blog, but I’m going to be on vacation until Tuesday next week. I guess those days I’m gone you’ll have to go somewhere else to find out what’s happening in the world… or just assume nothing interesting is going on. Probably more arguments about the debt ceiling. Just wait until I get back to find out what happened.

* By the way, still no debt limit deal. I’m kind getting tired of this story. I wish we could talk about something else in politics. But don’t worry, as Obama has found a way to solve this issue: Give yet another speech! Yes, he spoke during prime time last night; I’m not sure what was said, though. I wasn’t going to watch it, so I thought I’d just read the commentary of some pundit who did watch it, but I can’t find anyone who did. I looked, and there is no evidence anyone watched it. I don’t think even the most faithful Obama supporters can pretend there’s anything to gain from listening to him talk; in fact, they probably find it easier to delude themselves that Obama’s competent if they don’t ever listen to him speak.

* Don’t worry, though: Harry Reid has a budget plan to save the day. It’s $2.7 trillion in cuts — though $1 trillion of that is from the military winding down in the Middle East, which was already planned anyway. Plus, he included nothing on entitlement reform, so 50% of the budget is untouched. So basically it’s another one of those things where he pretends something is getting done while preserving the status quo. Still, it has no tax hikes in it, so Republicans at least got that concession not to further destroy the economy.

How much, though, do we really expect to solve the debt crisis while a Democrat is still in the presidency? I mean, his sine qua non is spending other people’s money. This isn’t like pushing Bill Clinton into welfare reform; if Republicans get Obama to really hunker down and cut the budget, they will have destroyed everything he loves and his whole purpose of being. If it actually happened, Obama would probably just stay in his bathrobe all day and smoke cigarettes and watch Captain Kangaroo until his presidency was over. Wow, I almost described a utopia.

* While Obama is struggling to avoid making any significant cuts, the American people have their own idea to reduce spending: Repeal Obamacare. Recent Rasmussen poll has 57% in favor of repealing the law. Why is it so unpopular? I guess after it was passed, people found out what was in it.

* People are acting like it’s shocking that Obama said he’d like to “bypass Congress and change the laws on my own.” Don’t all liberals mainly find democracy to be an inconvenience? That’s why they’re always trying to find ways around it, such as getting things changed through activist judges. They just can’t understand why people would think they actually have to convince middle America and those crazy right wingers their ideas are good instead of just imposing them on everyone since they think themselves so gosh darn smart (but, of course, not smart enough to convince anyone their ideas aren’t moronic). In a way, they’re like Saddam Hussein, who would have his sham election — feeling the need to at least pretend democracy is a good idea — and then just go ahead and do whatever he wanted.

Okay; I went a little too far there. It’s not like liberals would idolize someone named “Hussein”.

* The wealth gap between whites and minorities is at its highest level in a quarter century. The average white household net worth is twenty times that of the average black household. This whole thing of having Obama as the first black president was supposed to be a big boon for minorities, but in practical terms, not so much. And it has to be psychologically a problem too. I mean, what if when they had the first black baseball player in the major leagues, instead of Jackie Robinson, they had someone who really sucked at the game? How would that help race relations? Well, hopefully no one blames Obama’s horribleness on his race and instead on his desire to emulate useless white liberals.

* Democrat Representative David Wu, best known for being pictured dressed in a weird tiger suit, has been accused of an unwanted sexual encounter with the teenage daughter of a donor. Pelosi has already asked for an ethics investigation, and combined with Weiner being pushed into resigning, the Democrats are getting a better record on this sort of thing. I mean, you shouldn’t need to praise people for what would usually be considered holding standards of basic decency, but remember that these people are all sociopaths. So baby steps.

* People seem pretty certain Rick Perry is going to enter the presidential race. Even though he hasn’t announced yet, Intrade already has him as the front runner. And it’s hard to see why he wouldn’t get the nomination. He’s the type of conservative the base loves, he’s governor of a state that’s actually creating jobs in this economy, and he’s not Romney. I mean, I could get behind Romney if I needed to, but like so many other Republicans, I really really don’t want to. Oh, and another plus for Perry is he really defuses Obama’s “I inherited this mess from Bush” argument. Perry is in the same economy and inherited the state of Texas directly from Bush, yet he’s not sucking it up. I know there has to be some problem with him, but I don’t know of any offhand. He likes cutting spending, right?

* As I found out from one of those interminable birther e-mails I got, there is now going to be a birther summit. Yay, a big gathering of people all saying stuff like:

“Wow! Obama’s birth certificate sure is faked!”

“Not only that, but there is evidence it is EXTRA DOUBLE FAKED!”

“I did a PDF analysis of the birth certificate, and determined it was a PDF, WHICH CAN BE FAKED!”

Can you even comprehend the stunning innovations that will come out of this meeting of the minds?

In a way, though, I envy these people. Think of living in a world where your concerns weren’t the economy tanking and the country drowning debt, but instead the biggest threat facing the nation were what artifacts you could find in a PDF image. What a calmer, simpler world.

* Community is my favorite comedy on the air right now, and I was quite amused by this photo from their first day of shooting for season three.

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Random Thoughts

The 78th time Obama speaks on a subject, it always gets settled.

If Obama really wanted to get people’s attention, he’d announce he was not going to give a speech. We’d all be freaked out.

The question: Do you want money in the hands of those who have shown they can wisely use money, or do you want it in the hands of others?

For those confused, the people who have shown they are responsible with money are neither party. It’s the people who earned the money.

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Frank the Novelist

Since this is my blog, I guess I should occasionally write about stuff I care about. Anyway, I’m going to be a novelist! I just finished the third draft (102,000 words) to my novel which expands on a story I originally wrote piece by piece on this blog back in 2005 — Superego — which people seemed to really like (though, in retrospect, I think the writing was poor). It’s completely rewritten, though (maybe a sentence or two from the original was kept and the plot is now way different).

I still think it needs a lot of work to get to the final draft which SarahK is going to help with, but eventually I’ll need some other people to read it to get some other opinions on it if people are interested. And when it’s done — I’m not really sure. I don’t know what the path is for getting science fiction novel in this day and age, but I figure getting s finished, polished novel is the first step.

Are you excited? I don’t care if you are; I am. But if any of you know anything about novel writing, editing, or getting published, advice would be appreciated.


Just to clarify, the goal is to not self-publish. I’m not really much of a marketer myself, so I don’t know how well that would go. Also, thanks for the offers to help edit; SarahK is going to first help me, and then I’ll see who else wants to take a look.

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Nuke the News: Muslims Are Always the Victims

* So no deal on the debt ceiling yet. During the negotiations, Obama walked. Or maybe the Republicans walked away. Or maybe they both walked away. But they’ll need to make a deal soon because society itself will collapse if the government is unable to create more debt.

Wish we the taxpayers could walk away. I have drinking water and beef jerky; I say we default. Not everyone will be able to survive — I expect all the politicians to die off during winter — but then things should settle pretty nicely after that.

* The Huffington Post reports that a new “Super Congress” is being planned by the Republicans and Democrats. This could just be paranoid ramblings, but let’s assume it’s true and get upset. The last thing we need is a “Super Congress”; if anything, Congress needs less power. Instead, we need a new like “Kiddie Congress” where they can only pass resolutions and don’t have power to do anything or spend anything. You can’t help balance the budget, you go to Kiddie Congress.

Kiddie Congress is in Antarctica.

* Here’s an article from the Los Angeles Times on the Norway murders: “Muslims feel sting of initial blame”. Subtitle: “Non-Muslims feel bullets, shrapnel.” Really, who would think of writing an article like this? It’s as if there’s a plot to portray Muslims as either savage terrorists or whiny losers indifferent to Islamic terrorism. Yeah, why in the world would people see bombs and random murder and think “Muslims”? Where in the world would we get that crazy idea from? If Muslims are angry at anything other than the people in their own religion murdering people, they’re doing it wrong.

* Ron Paul is polling neck and neck with Obama, 41% versus Obama’s 42% in the latest Rasmussen poll. So either Ron Paul has become more popular, or that’s just how unpopular Obama is. I guess we need to see how Obama polls versus a turnip to decide.


* With the end of the shuttle, 1,600 have been laid off in Florida. Obama really racking up those jobs. Really, though, people getting off government jobs would be a good thing if there were private sector space jobs to go to. Lately in America, though, it seems like we’ve been trying too hard to skimp by to actually innovate. Is the private sector going to genetically resurrect dinosaurs and put rocket launchers on them any time soon? Probably not — partially because of oppressive regulations on rocket launchers.

* Red states have better schools than blue. You don’t need higher taxes to succeed, apparently; you just need standards and to break up those teachers unions. I mean what are teachers unions but an organization devoted to making sure your kids get the least amount of education for the most amount of money… plus they tend to be in bed with the Democrats who run the blue states. No amount of poor education will ever make liberals believe they’re not smarter than everyone else, though.

* Cern scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (not the Medium Hadron Collider or the Fun-Size Hadron Collider) think they may have caught a glimpse of the Higgs Boson particle. If you don’t know what a Higgs Boson particle is — and who does — I think it’s like the missing link between matter and energy. Anyway, I already know the twist ending to this: *SPOILER ALERT* The Cern scientists were Higgs Boson particles all along!

* New Crowder video! And it makes fun of Bill Maher which always seems both cruel and necessary:

* Also, if you want more video fun… RIFFTRAX IS NOW AVAILABLE ON HULU!!!!

Sorry, but I love RiffTrax. If you want to watch them make fun of a modern movie (though the movie is a few years old, they just released a riff for X-Men: The Last Stand which was hilarious) you’ll still have to sync that up yourself, but now you can watch on Hulu them riff old educational shorts and movies that no one has the rights too (which surprisingly includes Night of the Living Dead). Anyway, here is the educational short Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle.

* Friday, I asked you all for a three-part plan to clean up the government. A lot of your plans involved murder. Come on; you can solve anything with murder. We need to be more creative than that.

Anyway, winner of HIGH PRAISE is Yosoff with:

1) 49 states secede from the union leaving only California in the USA and holding the bag for all of the debt.
2) Form a new United States with the same constitution plus a balanced budget amendment and an amendment banning purse-dogs.
3) Anyone who suggests raising taxes gets catapulted over the wall & alligator filled moat into California.

Yosoff, it is such an honor to me that you read my blog.

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Random Thoughts

“The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault!” -Homer Simpson

I often don’t think to credit the Simpsons when quoting them. It’s like clarifying that a quote is from Shakespeare; it should be known.

For an engineering problem to make me feel smart when I solve it, it first has to make me feel frustrated and dumb.

You can tell how popular something is with geeks by how thoroughly documented it is on Wikipedia.

Wow. It’s really really hot outside in other states.

Not looking forward to the terrible twos; that’s when I hear they become litigious.

I have a deer’s head mounted on my wall as a warning to any deer who tries to break into my house.

I’m reading the Hunger Games. Not quite as funny as Hitchhikers.

Made a children’s station on Pandora, and I get a lot of Jack Johnson. Guess it just seems like his music is meant for infants.

I hope all this debt limit debate nonsense reinforces how stupid it is we give these people any spending power.

New debt limit deal: GOP will approve of $2 trillion in new spending if it’s used to send Obama to the moon.

3rd draft of my novel is done. 102k words. I will be a published novelist. I will!

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