Archive for July, 2011

The Week in Doug

Sunday, July 31, 2011 3:06 am

I am not a good person.

Honestly, my favorite thing about listening to Urbanski is hearing him call Obama rude names. Not inaccurate names, mind you, but ones that are not typically bandied about in polite company or in straight news shows.

The kind of below-the-belt ad hominem attacks that you usually only seen on opinion shows. And usually only about Republicans.

I guess part of it is just 8 years of pent-up schadenfreude rooted in reading what the worst of the dirtbag liberal bloggers would say about Bush. Payback’s a bitch, so I’m kinda digging this the way Inigo Montoya dug watching the blood flow from the punctured organs of a particular 6-fingered man.

I suppose, in a way, I should actually look at it as a happy, post-racial, multicultural, content-of-his character, I Have a Dream, kumbaya thing, since Urbanski continually tears into Obama with no more and no less enthusiasm that he eviscerates white idiot liberals. Just with more frequency, since Barack is the fountainhead from which the worst and most liberal idiocy spews.

All of which is my way of saying, he’s some audio clips of Doug Urbanski being a meanie (see also the Doug’s Audio Clips category:


1) “…The tea party has been created by Barack Obama as a reaction to his far-leftist, statist, marxist, communist approach to his worldview of America, and indeed, his worldview…”

2) “…The endgame here is to play hard, play wise, take the long view, take the smart view, and recapture every place in government you can, so that these demons, these statist, socialist, marxist – whatever word you want to use – so that you can correct and unravel and untie these knots they have made…”

[NOTE: I don’t think I’ve ever heard liberals called “demons” before. Sent a thrill up my leg, it did.]

3) “…To all of you out there on the left criticizing the President, all of you out there who consider yourselves the President’s base – who we are now seeing are crumbling – don’t you understand that no one should criticize this President?… Don’t you understand Obama’s perfect?…”

4) “…[Obama] is like those people on the interweb dating sites, because he represents himself one way… as 35, and 6’3′, and a triathlete, then you meet him and he’s 55, he’s 5’3″, and he’s emaciated…”


And here it is in writing. Feel free to put these on your blog. Or t-shirts. Or bumper stickers. Hell, even the occasional bathroom wall. Really, folks – lines like these are just too good not to share with like-minded people. Or to throw at liberals and watch them get all head-spinny (see also the Doug’s Gems category):


1) “Since when is Presidential leadership defined by making America poorer? They will not address deep spending cuts, they will not address runaway spending. Obama is bankrupting the future. This is his strategy for winning the future.”

2) “There’s only one message you need on the right: Obama is a hopeless spending addict. Harry Reid is his pusher. The media are his enablers. That’s the narrative.”

3) “Obama still aims to destroy the economy. He’s not moving to the center as some people opine – although he’s used a lot of words to suggest he is. But you can never listen to this guy’s words – he’s a completely pathological liar at this point. You’ve got to look at what he does and what he HAS done.”

4) “There will be a solution to this invented debt ceiling crisis when Barack Obama and his advisers feel that the Republicans have sufficiently become co-owners of his awful economy, even though they don’t control any complete branch of government.”

5) “These liberals want to change America, but you don’t want to fix what’s not broken. We’re still the best country in the world, we just need government to get out of the way. Liberals want self-responsibility and accountability to fall by the wayside. They want it to be replaced by wanting things given to you, claiming victimhood wherever you can.”

6) Obama was a 1/3 term Senator. He has never written his own legislation. He’s never owned a business. He’s never run anything of consequence. He and his smart-power team of academics haven’t a clue of what to do or how to do it. It’s pathetic.”

7) “These advisers that are telling Obama to veto whatever bill Boehner sends up, are they the same clueless advisers that let this economic holocaust happen in the first place? The same advisers that never get the numbers right and are forever talking about how unemployment rose ‘unexpectedly’? THOSE advisers?”

8) “When President Obama says ‘don’t call my bluff,’ that’s a poker reference. But what we’ve learned is that the President wasn’t playing poker at all, he’s been playing Three Card Monte.”

9) “Remember when Obama told us, about a month or two into his term, that he was pretty good at being President? Well, now he’s learning – what’s that old saying about pride and falling?”

10) “We’ve been told that Obama is a transformational figure. Yes, he’s transformational. He’s transformed the recovery into a swamp, into a sewer, into a cesspool.”


But I think the real reason I like listening to Doug is that he says stuff I wish that I had thought of first.

Yes, I am ripe with the stink of envy.

Anyway, a reminder that you can hear the whole show (and/or download it – right click the download link & “save as”) for free by hitting the show’s archive’s page.

Appropo of nothing, Doug usually refers to me on the show as “The Web Emperor, Ming the Merciless”. How awesome is that?

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Wall Street Shenanigans!

Friday, July 29, 2011 7:25 pm

Since I’m not posting anything, here’s Crowder on the debt ceiling and wall street bailout:

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It’s Friday!

Friday, July 29, 2011 11:04 am

It’s Friday! You know what that means? It means I’m still on vacation and am not going to write a post.

But you commenters have done a great job of entertaining yourself, so I’d give you a fresh post to work with. One of you can comment “First!” to it and get that great “I’m first” feeling.

And I hear Obama just gave another speech! Did he solve everything with it?

And also I heard someone was caught plotting to attack Ft. Hood. Was he Norwegian? I’ve expected a big Norwegian backlash, but I’ve been the only one beating them up lately.

And most importantly, in video game news, Nintendo has announced a huge price drop (more than 30%) in the 3DS already, so I guess they botched that. At least for being a sucker who already bought it, I get to be an “ambassador” — just like John Bolton! Yay!

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You Write a Post

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 11:50 am

Since I’m on vacation and I never plan ahead to get a substitute, you, the readers, will have to write the posts. So get together in the comment here and plot some post to write… maybe something about the debt ceiling. Man, I hope that gets solved before I return from vacation which is… August 2nd. Oh.

Anyway, why don’t you come up with a list topic like “Solutions to the Debt Ceiling Debate” and then come up with items for the list. You guys can figure it out. You’re smart.

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lolbama! Part 68

Tuesday, July 26, 2011 8:44 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From James:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From Larskinima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Les:

[reference link]

From MH:

[reference link]

From Robert:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From GEBIV

[reference link (nsfw)]

From GEBIV:

[reference link]

From GEBIV:

From GEBIV:

From James:

[reference link]

From Mark:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with [Hat tip: Laurie]:

Yeah, that’s Hillary. If I look like that when I’m 64, just shoot me.

NOTE: I’m totally nominating Kris for an Obscury on this one. I had no idea Rocky Horror had a sequel.

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Rick Perry Will Save Us All

Tuesday, July 26, 2011 11:00 am

* I always forget to plan these things for the blog, but I’m going to be on vacation until Tuesday next week. I guess those days I’m gone you’ll have to go somewhere else to find out what’s happening in the world… or just assume nothing interesting is going on. Probably more arguments about the debt ceiling. Just wait until I get back to find out what happened.

* By the way, still no debt limit deal. I’m kind getting tired of this story. I wish we could talk about something else in politics. But don’t worry, as Obama has found a way to solve this issue: Give yet another speech! Yes, he spoke during prime time last night; I’m not sure what was said, though. I wasn’t going to watch it, so I thought I’d just read the commentary of some pundit who did watch it, but I can’t find anyone who did. I looked, and there is no evidence anyone watched it. I don’t think even the most faithful Obama supporters can pretend there’s anything to gain from listening to him talk; in fact, they probably find it easier to delude themselves that Obama’s competent if they don’t ever listen to him speak.

* Don’t worry, though: Harry Reid has a budget plan to save the day. It’s $2.7 trillion in cuts — though $1 trillion of that is from the military winding down in the Middle East, which was already planned anyway. Plus, he included nothing on entitlement reform, so 50% of the budget is untouched. So basically it’s another one of those things where he pretends something is getting done while preserving the status quo. Still, it has no tax hikes in it, so Republicans at least got that concession not to further destroy the economy.

How much, though, do we really expect to solve the debt crisis while a Democrat is still in the presidency? I mean, his sine qua non is spending other people’s money. This isn’t like pushing Bill Clinton into welfare reform; if Republicans get Obama to really hunker down and cut the budget, they will have destroyed everything he loves and his whole purpose of being. If it actually happened, Obama would probably just stay in his bathrobe all day and smoke cigarettes and watch Captain Kangaroo until his presidency was over. Wow, I almost described a utopia.

* While Obama is struggling to avoid making any significant cuts, the American people have their own idea to reduce spending: Repeal Obamacare. Recent Rasmussen poll has 57% in favor of repealing the law. Why is it so unpopular? I guess after it was passed, people found out what was in it.

* People are acting like it’s shocking that Obama said he’d like to “bypass Congress and change the laws on my own.” Don’t all liberals mainly find democracy to be an inconvenience? That’s why they’re always trying to find ways around it, such as getting things changed through activist judges. They just can’t understand why people would think they actually have to convince middle America and those crazy right wingers their ideas are good instead of just imposing them on everyone since they think themselves so gosh darn smart (but, of course, not smart enough to convince anyone their ideas aren’t moronic). In a way, they’re like Saddam Hussein, who would have his sham election — feeling the need to at least pretend democracy is a good idea — and then just go ahead and do whatever he wanted.

Okay; I went a little too far there. It’s not like liberals would idolize someone named “Hussein”.

* The wealth gap between whites and minorities is at its highest level in a quarter century. The average white household net worth is twenty times that of the average black household. This whole thing of having Obama as the first black president was supposed to be a big boon for minorities, but in practical terms, not so much. And it has to be psychologically a problem too. I mean, what if when they had the first black baseball player in the major leagues, instead of Jackie Robinson, they had someone who really sucked at the game? How would that help race relations? Well, hopefully no one blames Obama’s horribleness on his race and instead on his desire to emulate useless white liberals.

* Democrat Representative David Wu, best known for being pictured dressed in a weird tiger suit, has been accused of an unwanted sexual encounter with the teenage daughter of a donor. Pelosi has already asked for an ethics investigation, and combined with Weiner being pushed into resigning, the Democrats are getting a better record on this sort of thing. I mean, you shouldn’t need to praise people for what would usually be considered holding standards of basic decency, but remember that these people are all sociopaths. So baby steps.

* People seem pretty certain Rick Perry is going to enter the presidential race. Even though he hasn’t announced yet, Intrade already has him as the front runner. And it’s hard to see why he wouldn’t get the nomination. He’s the type of conservative the base loves, he’s governor of a state that’s actually creating jobs in this economy, and he’s not Romney. I mean, I could get behind Romney if I needed to, but like so many other Republicans, I really really don’t want to. Oh, and another plus for Perry is he really defuses Obama’s “I inherited this mess from Bush” argument. Perry is in the same economy and inherited the state of Texas directly from Bush, yet he’s not sucking it up. I know there has to be some problem with him, but I don’t know of any offhand. He likes cutting spending, right?

* As I found out from one of those interminable birther e-mails I got, there is now going to be a birther summit. Yay, a big gathering of people all saying stuff like:

“Wow! Obama’s birth certificate sure is faked!”

“Not only that, but there is evidence it is EXTRA DOUBLE FAKED!”

“I did a PDF analysis of the birth certificate, and determined it was a PDF, WHICH CAN BE FAKED!”

Can you even comprehend the stunning innovations that will come out of this meeting of the minds?

In a way, though, I envy these people. Think of living in a world where your concerns weren’t the economy tanking and the country drowning debt, but instead the biggest threat facing the nation were what artifacts you could find in a PDF image. What a calmer, simpler world.

* Community is my favorite comedy on the air right now, and I was quite amused by this photo from their first day of shooting for season three.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, July 26, 2011 8:44 am

The 78th time Obama speaks on a subject, it always gets settled.

If Obama really wanted to get people’s attention, he’d announce he was not going to give a speech. We’d all be freaked out.

The question: Do you want money in the hands of those who have shown they can wisely use money, or do you want it in the hands of others?

For those confused, the people who have shown they are responsible with money are neither party. It’s the people who earned the money.

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Frank the Novelist

Monday, July 25, 2011 2:01 pm

Since this is my blog, I guess I should occasionally write about stuff I care about. Anyway, I’m going to be a novelist! I just finished the third draft (102,000 words) to my novel which expands on a story I originally wrote piece by piece on this blog back in 2005 — Superego — which people seemed to really like (though, in retrospect, I think the writing was poor). It’s completely rewritten, though (maybe a sentence or two from the original was kept and the plot is now way different).

I still think it needs a lot of work to get to the final draft which SarahK is going to help with, but eventually I’ll need some other people to read it to get some other opinions on it if people are interested. And when it’s done — I’m not really sure. I don’t know what the path is for getting science fiction novel in this day and age, but I figure getting s finished, polished novel is the first step.

Are you excited? I don’t care if you are; I am. But if any of you know anything about novel writing, editing, or getting published, advice would be appreciated.

UPDATE:

Just to clarify, the goal is to not self-publish. I’m not really much of a marketer myself, so I don’t know how well that would go. Also, thanks for the offers to help edit; SarahK is going to first help me, and then I’ll see who else wants to take a look.

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Nuke the News: Muslims Are Always the Victims

Monday, July 25, 2011 11:00 am

* So no deal on the debt ceiling yet. During the negotiations, Obama walked. Or maybe the Republicans walked away. Or maybe they both walked away. But they’ll need to make a deal soon because society itself will collapse if the government is unable to create more debt.

Wish we the taxpayers could walk away. I have drinking water and beef jerky; I say we default. Not everyone will be able to survive — I expect all the politicians to die off during winter — but then things should settle pretty nicely after that.

* The Huffington Post reports that a new “Super Congress” is being planned by the Republicans and Democrats. This could just be paranoid ramblings, but let’s assume it’s true and get upset. The last thing we need is a “Super Congress”; if anything, Congress needs less power. Instead, we need a new like “Kiddie Congress” where they can only pass resolutions and don’t have power to do anything or spend anything. You can’t help balance the budget, you go to Kiddie Congress.

Kiddie Congress is in Antarctica.

* Here’s an article from the Los Angeles Times on the Norway murders: “Muslims feel sting of initial blame”. Subtitle: “Non-Muslims feel bullets, shrapnel.” Really, who would think of writing an article like this? It’s as if there’s a plot to portray Muslims as either savage terrorists or whiny losers indifferent to Islamic terrorism. Yeah, why in the world would people see bombs and random murder and think “Muslims”? Where in the world would we get that crazy idea from? If Muslims are angry at anything other than the people in their own religion murdering people, they’re doing it wrong.

* Ron Paul is polling neck and neck with Obama, 41% versus Obama’s 42% in the latest Rasmussen poll. So either Ron Paul has become more popular, or that’s just how unpopular Obama is. I guess we need to see how Obama polls versus a turnip to decide.

RON PAUL!

* With the end of the shuttle, 1,600 have been laid off in Florida. Obama really racking up those jobs. Really, though, people getting off government jobs would be a good thing if there were private sector space jobs to go to. Lately in America, though, it seems like we’ve been trying too hard to skimp by to actually innovate. Is the private sector going to genetically resurrect dinosaurs and put rocket launchers on them any time soon? Probably not — partially because of oppressive regulations on rocket launchers.

* Red states have better schools than blue. You don’t need higher taxes to succeed, apparently; you just need standards and to break up those teachers unions. I mean what are teachers unions but an organization devoted to making sure your kids get the least amount of education for the most amount of money… plus they tend to be in bed with the Democrats who run the blue states. No amount of poor education will ever make liberals believe they’re not smarter than everyone else, though.

* Cern scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (not the Medium Hadron Collider or the Fun-Size Hadron Collider) think they may have caught a glimpse of the Higgs Boson particle. If you don’t know what a Higgs Boson particle is — and who does — I think it’s like the missing link between matter and energy. Anyway, I already know the twist ending to this: *SPOILER ALERT* The Cern scientists were Higgs Boson particles all along!

* New Crowder video! And it makes fun of Bill Maher which always seems both cruel and necessary:

* Also, if you want more video fun… RIFFTRAX IS NOW AVAILABLE ON HULU!!!!

Sorry, but I love RiffTrax. If you want to watch them make fun of a modern movie (though the movie is a few years old, they just released a riff for X-Men: The Last Stand which was hilarious) you’ll still have to sync that up yourself, but now you can watch on Hulu them riff old educational shorts and movies that no one has the rights too (which surprisingly includes Night of the Living Dead). Anyway, here is the educational short Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle.

* Friday, I asked you all for a three-part plan to clean up the government. A lot of your plans involved murder. Come on; you can solve anything with murder. We need to be more creative than that.

Anyway, winner of HIGH PRAISE is Yosoff with:

1) 49 states secede from the union leaving only California in the USA and holding the bag for all of the debt.
2) Form a new United States with the same constitution plus a balanced budget amendment and an amendment banning purse-dogs.
3) Anyone who suggests raising taxes gets catapulted over the wall & alligator filled moat into California.

Yosoff, it is such an honor to me that you read my blog.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, July 25, 2011 8:47 am

“The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault!” -Homer Simpson

I often don’t think to credit the Simpsons when quoting them. It’s like clarifying that a quote is from Shakespeare; it should be known.

For an engineering problem to make me feel smart when I solve it, it first has to make me feel frustrated and dumb.

You can tell how popular something is with geeks by how thoroughly documented it is on Wikipedia.

Wow. It’s really really hot outside in other states.

Not looking forward to the terrible twos; that’s when I hear they become litigious.

I have a deer’s head mounted on my wall as a warning to any deer who tries to break into my house.

I’m reading the Hunger Games. Not quite as funny as Hitchhikers.

Made a children’s station on Pandora, and I get a lot of Jack Johnson. Guess it just seems like his music is meant for infants.

I hope all this debt limit debate nonsense reinforces how stupid it is we give these people any spending power.

New debt limit deal: GOP will approve of $2 trillion in new spending if it’s used to send Obama to the moon.

3rd draft of my novel is done. 102k words. I will be a published novelist. I will!

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Harvey’s Random Thoughts

Friday, July 22, 2011 2:04 pm

Michelle Malkin said that DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz is “Alan Grayson in heels”. So… basically she’s Barney Frank?

The Federal Election Commission voted to require former Democrat Senator John Edwards to repay $2.3 million in federal matching campaign funds. Poor guy. That’s like a dozen haircuts for him.

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Nuke the News: Taunting the Almighty

Friday, July 22, 2011 11:00 am

* Still no debt deal, and at this point I’m like, “Fine. Let’s just default.” How are we going to get them to stop spending unless we just take away the option to spend more? Sure it’s going to be scary and painful, but that’s just what real change is. It’s either this painful process or continue to hobble along as we ignore the problem and get worse and worse and worse.

Oh, everyone’s voting “hobble along.”

* Harry Reid has called Cut, Cap, and Balance the “perhaps some of the worst legislation in the history of this country.” Worse than laws allowing slavery? Of course it’s worse since those laws weren’t a personal affront to him making sure doddering fools spouting gibberish have less money and power. Again, I ask, what is this guy doing having any sway over the country and its prosperity? If he so loves power, can’t we put him charge of the activities committee at a nursing home or something?

* Obama prayed for a solution to the debt crisis. So basically he’s just taunting God now to smite him. I don’t think God will do it, though; He doesn’t want to get accused of racism.

* Obama lost $1.3 billion in bailing out Chrysler, and all I can think is that, compared to his other colossal blunders, that’s not that much. It’s way on the lower end of colossal. Might even instead be on the upper end of huge blunders. Makes you wonder what it would be like to have a president who only made huge blunders instead of colossal ones. What an impossible dream.

* Here’s the CEO of Home Depot answering a question about what he would say if he could sit down with Obama and talk about job creation:

I’m not sure Obama would understand anything that I’d say, because he’s never really worked a day outside the political or legal area. He doesn’t know how to make a payroll, he doesn’t understand the problems businesses face. I would try to explain that the plight of the businessman is very reactive to Washington. As Washington piles on regulations and mandates, the impact is tremendous. I don’t think he’s a bad guy. I just think he has no knowledge of this.

This is a theme we’re really going to have to hit in 2012: Obama is a complete know-nothing to everything important to this nation right now. If the biggest problem facing the country right now was people needed help on using teleprompters, President Obama would be right there to save the day. But with the actual problems we’re dealing with, the guy is less than useless. The best he could do is stay out of the way… which is asking far too much of him.

* Best of the Web has a pretty good take down of a Deepak Chopra opinion piece. I don’t know much about Chopra other than a) He has a ridiculous name. b) His political writing are the absolute dumbest I’ve ever seen in a major publications. Just complete utter garbage where he’s super right about everything and anyone who disagrees with him is evil and mean. Literally, a four-year-old could write with more nuance. Apparently his day job though is “New Age media personality”. I hope that means someone who sits in a booth and people pay to throw pies at him. If this guy actually hands out advice or something… wow, watch out for that.

* The Pentagon says it’s now ready to let gays openly serve in the military. I can’t help but wonder how this will go over in the Middle East. Already, our military is not supposed to have Christian symbols so as not to offend people and they ask women soldiers to cover their hair. So are gays going to get the instructions, “So as not to offend people in the Middle East, try not to be quite so openly gay.”? You know, they execute people for that there. Maybe this will get the ire of the gay lesbian activists (there are gay lesbians now?) and we’ll finally do what we should have done a long time ago: Tell people in the Middle East their culture is stupid and we’re not going to respect it. Of course, the gay lesbian activist only ever seem interested in pestering people who think gay marriage is silly and missing the point. As for Muslims who want to kill homosexuals, not so much their concern.

* John Hawkins has a follow up post on how independent, conservative blogs are doomed — DOOMED! Maybe I need to help IMAO by focusing more on a niche. I could be the go to political blogger for when the subject is astronomy or nuclear weapons. Or maybe I just need to join a bigger blog. Any bigger blog want to hire me? I’m very expensive… but you get free HIGH PRAISE for taking me on.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Makes you wonder what the national job situation would be without governors like Walker, Perry, Christie, etc., doesn’t it?” -Nathan Wurtzel

* Instead of just complaining, I thought I’d come up with some solutions, so here’s my three part plan to clean up the government:

1) Send all the politicians in DC to prison.
2) Make whining no longer a protected form of speech and punishable by deportation.
3) Fire.

Nice and simple. Maybe I should run on it. What’s your three part plan to clean up the government? I don’t want any four part plans as that’s too many parts. If your plan has only two parts, you’re only fooling yourself if you think that’s enough parts to clean up government. Best three part plan wins… HIGH PRAISE… and possibly saves the nation.

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Random Thoughts

Friday, July 22, 2011 8:43 am

So do the billionaires and millionaires everyone whines about owe more money than they have in debt or is that just Congress?

So the Dem response to “We can’t keep spending like this forever” is “Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!”?

If it were me, I’d come back with a proposal to lower the debt ceiling.

That’s it; let’s just go ahead and default. It will be exciting!

True change is painful and scary.

Usually it’s tax increases with promises of spending cuts that never come true. The opposite would be nice.

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Urbanski’s Greatest Hits

Thursday, July 21, 2011 8:45 pm

Doug has been on fire this week. If you need entertaining listening material, just hit up his archives & start downloading. It’s all free, ya know.

If you’d prefer to nibble rather than feast, here’s a couple audio Scooby Snacks:

1) “…Which is more beautiful? The sound of silence that you get when you go to the country or the mountains or the desert… or the sound of cars, the sound of commerce, the sound of millions and millions of human beings interacting with each other through driving…?”

2) “…A professor of nutrition… says dropping meat and cheese one day a week wouldn’t hurt… people don’t need to eat as much meat as they’re eating… My dear friends, once again you are being asked to fall down on your knees and to pray to the false god of man-made climate change…”

And seriously, the gems that have been falling out of this man’s mouth. If you don’t have this page bookmark for your daily pleasure, you are doing yourself a disservice:

1) “Of course Obama hates the idea of a Balanced Budget Amendment. First off, he hates the Constitution. Secondly, he hates the idea of a law telling him how much he can spend or not spend.”

2) “Obama’s press conferences are some of the best campaign commercials Republicans have. The choice before Americans right now is a future where Barack Obama and his pals get very rich while the rest of us get lectured on the need to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.”

3) “Sheila Jackson Lee claims conservatives are opposing Obama because he’s black. Is that the same reason I’m opposing Reid and Pelosi? Is that the same reason I’m supportive of Allen West and Herman Cain?”

4) “In Barack Obama’s case, I’m not suggesting for a moment that this man has headaches. But he just may be what’s known in medical parlance as a carrier. Meaning he may cause headaches in other people.”

5) “People have said you’re racist if you criticize Obama. You know what? I’m as angry at the half of him that’s white as I am at the other half. Actually, I’m only angry at his liberal side – which is all of him. It has nothing to do with color.”

6) “I have a theory as to why Boehner and Obama are having these private, secret meetings about the debt ceiling. Think about it – John Boehner is the only guy this President knows who smokes. Who else is he going to bum a cigarette off of?”

7) “Obama and his gang are drunk with spending, and it’s just like alcoholism. And like any alcoholic, they surround themselves only with other alcoholics, so they see no other way to exist.”

8) “Bill Clinton is out there encouraging Obama to raise the debt ceiling without Congressional approval under the guise of the 14th Amendment, which is likely not legal. Maybe Clinton doesn’t want to be the only living President who’s been impeached.”

9) “Has anyone told these RINO Senators in the Gang of Six about the 2010 elections? Perhaps someone should contact them and enlighten them about the results.”

10) “Obama’s plan is simple: expand government and choke off the private sector. That’s his whole approach. And when all is said and done here, Obama will still not have learned a single thing. He and his crazy college-professor czars will go back to their ivory towers and wax poetic about all the good they did for the poor and the downtrodden, when in reality, all they did was destroy the economy.”

This guy is like the Mozart of liberal-bashing.

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Nuke the News: We’re All in Fringe Cults Now

Thursday, July 21, 2011 11:00 am

* If you were afraid these debt ceiling negotiations might come to an end, Obama is open to a very short term deal so they can keep them going on and on and on past the August 2nd deadline. So we’ll get more of Obama demanding higher taxes and refusing meaningful cuts; in fact, maybe that could just be the rest of his presidency. Then, in January 2013, we’ll get a new guy to negotiate with who will cut spending, and Obama will be exiled to Antarctica, as is our custom… or will be.

Do you think Obama is going to keep trying to get on TV after we kick him out of the presidency? That’s an awful thought; I’m glad I got rid of cable. Well, maybe he’ll just stick full-time to golfing… in Antarctica. Watch out for penguins, though; they’re filled with bloodlust.

* Senator Tom Harkin has referred to the people who don’t want to raise the debt ceiling as a “cult fringe”. You know, that cult fringe who don’t think you should just keep spending money you don’t have, a.k.a., people with jobs, a.k.a., a majority of Americans. Are you starting to think there is a disconnect between regular Americans and useless nitwits who spend of billions of dollars of other people’s money with no accountability? Maybe we should all have an ice cream social together to get to know each other better. Or maybe to find out even more, we should have the politicians all waterboarded and interrogated in Gitmo. Because we care.

* Romney is now polling neck and neck with Obama, the only Republican candidate so far to do so. I know we all hate Romney, but he does have this primary strategy where he wears us out and we eventually learn to tolerate him. And now he has this argument that he can win, and he’ll be like, “Well, who do you hate more? Me or Obama?” And we’ll all grudgingly say, “Obama.” And then Romney will say, “So what are your opinions again so I can say that’s what I always believed?” And then we’ll write down our beliefs for Romney so he doesn’t forget them.

Romney 2012: When you’ve given up on greatness and just want something better.

* Five Democrat representatives are calling on Allen West to apologize for what he said about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, calling it “sexist.” That’s stupid. What West said was the opposite of sexist. He said Wasserman-Schultz was not a lady. That means he accepts her the same as his male colleagues. What a progressive.

* The bones of Adolph Hitler’s deputy, Rudolph Hess, were dug up and burned. That’s what we’re reduced to since we don’t have new Nazis to kill; we have to go rekill old ones and to make sure they don’t become zombies. I guess we could kill Commies instead, but even they’re getting hard to find (though Obama did appoint one to his cabinet). I guess we can just stick to killing terrorists, but they’re just never going to be as threatening as Nazis. When is America going to get a good enemy again?

* According to a scientific study, exposure to the American flag makes people lean Republican. Yet another advantage of Republicans being the party that sorta kinda likes this country. I don’t know if there is a symbol that causes people to vote Democrat, though. Maybe they could do a scientific study on people’s voting habits when you casually leave a hammer and sickle lying around.

* The Shuttle Atlantis has returned, so now that’s it: America is done with space. We’ve pretty much explored all of space anyway. Like we went in orbit around earth and… well, I think that was about it. I’ve heard talk that man once went to the moon back in the late sixties, but that sounds like an urban legend. If we can’t get to the moon now with our iPhones and internet, how could they do that way back with sixties technology while having to fend off hippies? Yeah, I just checked Snopes; that was made up.

* CERN has found that cosmic rays are a big factor in cloud formation. They don’t want anyone to talk about this since clouds are a big factor in the planet’s temperature and that would mean something beyond human control is a major contributor to global climate warming change. I don’t know why some people cling so bitterly to man-made climate change; if they really push themselves, they can get out of their rut and come up with some new looming, unprovable disaster to blame on people’s behavior. My suggestions: The activities of man are causing squirrels to become slightly larger over time. It doesn’t seem like much, but as squirrels become larger they’ll eat more, and eventually squirrel largeness will damage our food supply and cause mass starvation. OUT: Man-made climate change. IN: Man-made squirrel enlargement.

* In a new survey, a plurality said that spending cuts in government will increase jobs. And long term they’re right, but basically this is just people showing common sense and knowing that unchecked spending is very very bad. Plus, it’s a complete devastation of the Democrats’ argument. Let’s celebrate by digging up Keynes’s bones and burning them.

* Lots of good answers on what it sounds like a “Wasserman-Schultz” is, but only one can get HIGH PRAISE and it’s DamnCat with:

The orneriest, laziest, stupidest breed of mule there is.

DamnCat, you brighten all our days with your wit.

* This is just funny:

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, July 21, 2011 8:46 am

So what was Austin Powers’ opinion on whether Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is a lady?

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Nuke the News: Leading from the Couch

Wednesday, July 20, 2011 11:00 am

* So suddenly out of nowhere, we have this Gang of Six plan. When it looks like something might get accomplished, we always get a nice compromise plan to move deck chairs around and look busy while pretty much keeping the status quo. Obama sounds like he’s grudgingly for the plan, so you can rest assured it accomplishes nothing.

Cut, Cap, and Balance passed the House, though it’s not expected to pass the Senate. It’s an all spending cuts plan, though not nearly enough to get our budget back on track, but also goes way too far for Democrats to accept it.

This system just ain’t working, people; we have to change it. Might need a new Constitution with a lot more laws about Congress. Like more mentions of prison. If you mess up the economy this bad, prison. “Hey, all of you in Congress, time’s up — you’re going to prison. And you don’t get out until the $14 trillion in debt is paid off; we did confiscate all of your wealth to help pay it down, but that didn’t quite cover it. Now make room for the new guys coming in to replace you. Oh, and new guys, make sure the first item on your budget is MORE PRISONS FOR POLITICIANS.”

* If you wonder why Obama hasn’t had any plan, that’s because, as Jay Carney explained, “Leadership is not proposing a plan.” So when Obama is lying on the couch eating Cheetos and watching QVC, that’s called “leading”. And if we throw Obama out of office in 2012, he’ll be able to lead all day long.

* So like half our budget now is Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare — things that didn’t used to be the government’s business at all are now most of what it does. The main function of the federal government is going to be to hand out checks in the form of entitlements — checks it can’t afford. Can’t we find a way to ease out of this? I know a lot of people are now dependent on the government and will revolt if they’re cut, but can’t we go ahead and announce to a certain age group that you’re not going to receive any of these benefits, so be prepared? Just make sure it’s an age group that won’t get all worked up about it. “As your president, I have some bad news to deliver to our nation’s five-year-olds: You will not receive any Social Security and can’t expect Medicare to be there for you.” There’s going to be a lot of anger in our nation’s kindergartens, but think of how much smaller government will be sixty years from now.

* So Rupert Murdoch was hit with a pie, but then his 43-year-old wife jumped in with a flying kick that EXPLODED THE GUY’S HEAD!

Many liberals think Rupert Murdoch deserved a pie to the face because they don’t like him and they don’t know how to hate in degrees, because their minds are like those of children. If they decide you are on the other side, that means you must stand for absolutely everything they hate. And that means you deserve anything bad that happens. But remember any liberals who seem to approve of the pie throwing, because that means they’re fair game for a pie. And while we’re at it, we can throw shoes at their heads.

* Apparently Michelle Bachmann suffers CRIPPLING MIGRAINES. Numerous times a day, she’ll be talking normally and then suddenly start screaming and gripping her head. Sometimes the heads of other people around her are exploded. In fact, she spends 75% of the day curled up in a ball sobbing… so way less time than Barack Obama.

* The police conducted a nationwide raid, arresting sixteen members of the “Anonymous” hacking group. But they don’t have any pictures yet! I want to see what the hackers look like! Which Pokemon do they have on their t-shirts? What’s their combined weight total? How many of them still live with their parents? Anytime we arrest a bunch of anonymous hackers, it should be a national day of mockery.

* EA Sports is expanding in Austin, creating 300 more jobs there, and Governor Rick Perry spoke at the announcement, promoting video games. I keep hearing about Perry entering the presidential race, and it sure would be nice to have a president who is pro-video games. Me, if I were president, I would probably do nothing but play video games. Everyone would say, “Mr. President! We’re all scared about the economy and want you to make a bunch of new social programs and spend a lot of money!” And I’d be like, “Nope. Too busy playing video games.” I’d be like Coolidge… but with a lot more three stars on Angry Birds levels.

* Wisdom of the Day: “After the Son of Sam murders, NY TV ran a whole series of ‘Don’t Do Things Your Dog Tells You To Do’ ads.” -Michael Kupperman

* Allen West wrote an e-mail calling Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “vile, unprofessional, and despicable”. I don’t think anyone will dispute that. He also wrote that she is not a lady. That’s easy to see, too. If someone told me, “I have Wasserman-Schultz”, my first thought would not be, “That means you have… a lady.” Instead I would think you were referring to industrial equipment that assembles car doors or a maybe a genetic skin disease. What does a “Wasserman-Schultz” sound like to you? Best answer wins… wait for it… HIGH PRAISE!

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, July 20, 2011 8:52 am

I’m afraid that if I mark Google+ notification emails as unimportant, I’ll make Gmail mad at me.

If Allen West isn’t discharging a firearm, then he’s successfully restraining his temper.

In some cultures it’s disrespectful to use a graveyard as a golf course.

My daughter is very advanced… FOR A DUMB BABY! (when will she be old enough to appreciate a good burn?)

We all have to eventually learn the hard way that murder is wrong.

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lolterizt! Part 136

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 8:44 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


From MH:

From MH:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From GEBIV:

From Jim:

From Jim:

From Larskinkima:

From MarkoMancuso:

[reference link]

From Matt:

From Mr. Right:

[reference link]

From Proof:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


EXIT QUESTION: Did ANYONE get that Mountaineers one without checking the reference link?


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Harry Reid Will Fix Everything

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 11:00 am

* Obama has threatened to veto the Republicans’ “cut, cap, and balance” bill. He said, “I’m okay with balancing the budget and I’d like to avoid default, which could destroy our nation, but not if that involves any spending cuts. If anything, I want to spend even more money, and I can’t comprehend any reason I shouldn’t get what I want. So there’s nothing I will let be cut… except maybe some defense. Like I’ve been seeing this bill lately for drone strikes in Libya; anyone even have any idea what that’s about? If we cut that, though, then I’d just want the money in more social programs. People love those… and if they don’t, I’m sure they will eventually if I force them on people. Now excuse me, I have tee time.”

I’m starting to think we’re not going to get anything meaningful done with the budget while Obama is president.

* Harry Reid says the Senate will meet every day until the debt limit increase is passed. That’s Harry Reid, always doddering to action to get things done. Of course, they could have gotten this budget mess all sorted out way back when Democrats had majorities in the House and Senate, but now Reid is finally determined to get it done. What did America do to deserve such dynamic leadership? I’m guessing slavery.

* Wonder where all that tax money Obama and the Democrats won’t cut is going? Well, $900,000 is going for studying the size of gay men’s penises. You ask a regular person, “Hey, want to spot me $900,000 to study gay men’s penis sizes?” and the person would say, “That’s a huge sum of money and an idiotic thing to spend it on!” You ask the government, which only spends other people’s money, though, and they’re like, “Wow! What a bargain on finding out the sizes of gay men’s penises!” I’m starting to wonder if this system of giving nitwits in DC billions of our dollars to spend and the ability to confiscate more of our money when they feel like it is such a great idea. I can’t put my finger on it, but something about that just doesn’t seem well thought out.

* MSNBC is thinking of adding Al Sharpton to their lineup. I guess MSNBC finally decided to diversify their staff of red-faced white guys like Chris Matthews and Ed Schultz shouting incoherently and add a race-baiting bottom feeder. It really goes with their new slogan: “MSNBC: You’re now dumber for having watched us.”

* Speaking of dumber for having watched MSNBC, Rachel Maddow was trying to scare people on the voter ID law — which is rather hard, because having someone show a valid photo ID before voting just reeks so much of basic common sense — and she claimed that people with concealed carry permits are exempted from the law. A CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT IS A VALID PHOTO ID, IDIOT! People always talk about guns’ ability to kill, but their biggest power seems to be to cause certain people’s IQ to drop 60 points by the mere mention of them.

Also, since you can get a free photo ID, who exactly is going to be disenfranchised by this law other than the extremely lazy? And weren’t they already disenfranchised, since voting requires you to get up and do stuff? Is there really any argument against showing your ID to vote other than that you think voter fraud will help your party?

* John Hawkins of Right Wing News says the independent, conservative blogosphere — of which IMAO is a member — is dying. Traffic for IMAO actually peaked way back during the 2004 election. There wasn’t much of an increase for the 2008 election, and it’s been down for a while. Still, I’m hoping for some big things in 2012 (plus it will be IMAO’s tenth blogiversary), but I do wonder if there will be much traffic to keep going after that and I’ll have to join some bigger establishment blog to keep going. BTW, tell everyone to read IMAO — its news roundup is great!

* Wisdom of the Day: “What Obama says: ‘I can fix it!’ What he means: ‘Buy gold!'” -J.P. Freire

* Yesterday, I asked you what could be done to make soccer more interesting, and I really think the answer is nothing. Everything just seems lame when you add soccer to the mix. Like I thought of adding dinosaurs to soccer (the T-Rex has tiny, useless hands, so he seems like a good fit), but then I imagined dinosaurs playing soccer, and now I hate dinosaurs. Still, I said I’d give out HIGH PRAISE and KingJamesTheCapitalist wrote this:

I would make soccer more interesting by tying all the players to metal poles that allow them to hang above the arena just high enough to where their feet don’t touch the ground. Then you inter-space them appropriately for an even mach up put the ball in the middle and get a group of drunk college students to move the poles around so the players can hit the ball into the opposing teams goal.

That does sound kind of fun, so HIGH PRAISE for KingJamesTheCapitalist.

KingJamesTheCapitalist, we all aspire to have your wisdom.

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