Feeding The Queue Monster

Sit back. We’re going to talk a little shop. Then we’re going to play a game.

Once upon a time, way back when Frank J. first started doing his blog thing, things were simpler. Not just in the world we live in, but in the world of blogging. Then, people discovered how to spam blogs using comments. And, some people were simply asses and left naughty comments.

So, blogs started using spam filters. Some worked really poorly, and others worked even worse. And, depending on what platform you used — Blogger, MovableType, WordPress, or something else — you either had no option, or limited options.

Today, though, things are a lot better. And most blogs that run WordPress — including IMAO — use Automattic’s spam filter Akismet. But WordPress has customizable settings that can affect how and if comments post.

For instance, the settings here require you leave a name and email address. It isn’t very smart, and people leave stuff that isn’t really an email address all the time. Other users don’t see the email addresses, but Frank does. I suppose they don’t trust Frank.

There’s also a setting that causes first-time commenters to be moderated. That is, if your name and email address haven’t left a comment before, you get thrown to the queue monster. Once you’re released, then that won’t catch you. Something else might, but not the “first timer” rule. The reason for it is simple: many spambots make up names and email addresses. This causes those to be queued.

There’s a setting that throws you to the queue monster if your comment contains 2 or more links. Again, that’s because multiple links usually means spam.

Then there’s a list of naughty words. Frank gets to pick those. He may have sat down and put a lot of thought into it. But he just as easily could have got some other people to provide him with lists they use or suggest, put them together, and dumped them into the list box.

There’s also a blacklist. It’s different in that all the previous stuff sends the comment to the moderation queue. Stuff that matches the blacklist bypasses it and goes straight to the spam box. Frank only checks the spam box when he runs out of other stuff to write about and decides to make fun of spammers.

Okay, you’ve been patient. We’ll get to the game part now.

Well, before we do that, I got one other thing to mention. When someone gets thrown to the queue, WordPress is supposed to email the author of the post and let them know. It doesn’t. At least, when someone comments on one of my posts, and they get queued, it doesn’t email me.

Sometimes, people will leave the same comment again. Like that’ll help.

Sometimes, they’ll leave a comment saying “Hey, unmoderate me!” And then the comments become nothing but a series of “Hey, unmoderate me” until they someone releases the queue. Then, only every other comment is “Hey, unmoderate me.”

When that happens, sometimes people start coming up with ways to either get around getting moderated, or try to cause a comment to get moderated.

And that’s the game we’re going to play: Feed The Queue Monster.

Here’s how it works…

Try to leave a comment about, well, just about anything. What you had for supper. How useless Obama is. Why you hate cats. Anything. But, it’s got to be a comment that shouldn’t get queued, but does.

The object is to try to get thrown into the moderation queue. If you make such a comment, you get points. If your comment isn’t queued, you don’t get any points.

The comment must be innocent, meaning it shouldn’t get thrown into the queue. It doesn’t contain a naughty word used as a naughty word. But it must get queued.

For example, if the word “dick” was in the naughty list (it’s not), this would earn points: I think Dick Cheney is awesome.

The word “Dick,” if it was in the list (which it’s not), would have caused the comment to go to moderation, even though you weren’t using the word in an unacceptable fashion.

Likewise, if “ass” was in the naughty list (it’s not), this would earn points: I think the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad is awesome.

In fact, that would earn double points, because “ass” shows up twice. Come to think of it, it would get triple points for one “Dick” and two “asses.”

This, though, won’t win you any points: Obama can be such an ass.

Not because it’s insulting to Obama, but because it’s not innocent. It’s using the bad word as the bad word.

Anyway, I’ll be checking the moderation queue from time to time (I don’t get email reminders, remember) and noting which ones get queued and shouldn’t. I’ll score them and release them.

Some time Sunday, I’ll total everything up and list the winner. Maybe Sunday morning. Or afternoon. Or Sunday night, if I end up watching a Green Acres marathon and forget. [UPDATE: the results are here.]

So, ready to play the game and win a prize? What’s the prize? We’ll think of something. Maybe even … HIGH PRAISE?

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  1. This contest is way too confusing for my enfeebled brain. I’ll let the smarterer here rise to the challenge.

    I don’t mind so much when my comments get dumped into the moderation abyss. It’s always good to have something to complain at Frank. Besides, my comments are often just as interesting while they are in the moderation bin. In truth, the dismoderation response time is actually quite good, especially considering the rumor about how the three of you have actual lives.

  2. Yeah, I should have remember it’s Friday night. This would be rough enough on a sober night. But a Friday? Yeah, bad timing on my part. If this goes well, we’ll do it again, but with a simpler explanation.

    How about this: Try to leave a comment that gets moderated, and shouldn’t.

  3. If the “enhancement” methods of interrogation hadn’t been under employment, the ballooning debt would have overcome our desire to beat Hairy Reid in the next election.

    Sorry, I’m horrible at this. I totally get what you’re wanting. I wish I had iowahawk’s sense of humor; Burge would totally be able to pwn this.

  4. Does a “monitory reward” have something to do with being watched? Because I took off my foil hat, so I’m pretty sure I’m being watched. Anyone know the cheat code for the secret level on Basil’s game? Whatever happened to that Southern-accent cat from Basil’s post a while back? Oh wait, Jeopardy! is on now. “What is ‘Charmed’, Alex?” This bourbon is kinda tasty. Time to throw some burgers on the grill. Is this comment disjointed enough to look like spam yet?

  5. Shitake Mushrooms taste best when acting despicably.

    [Moderated: 5 points.

    For the sticklers: although the preferred spelling is “Shiitake,” Webster’s allows “Shitake” as a variant.]

  6. Long Dong is the name of a large bay on the northeast corner of Taiwan. The name mean’s Dragon (Long) Cave (dong), because the coastline sort of looks like a dragon’s jaws around the bay.

  7. This is harder than it sounded. I guess I could just make up a cock and bull story that would take you hours to clean up and make spic and span. But then you’d go after me and it would evolve into a tit for tat exercise.

    [Moderated: 5 points. The first one did it. Those others (surprisingly) didn’t make it.]

  8. Bard found the chink in Smaug’s armor and was able to kill him with an arrow. I guess that’s a spoiler if you’ve never read the Hobbit, but I’m doing you a favor. Tolkien reads like gobbledy gook.

    [Moderated: 10 points!]

  9. The idiots who live in Fucking, Austria had a vote in 2004 to determine whether or not they should change the town’s name, and you know what they did? They voted against it, preferring instead to put up with international ridicule, numerous stolen road-signs and horrific Google results.

    [Moderated: 5 points. You know why.]

  10. Buying a golf club with a fancy shaft won’t help if you don’t work on your stroke. You don’t want to put your balls in the bush, where you’ll have a hard time getting it in the hole.

  11. 1 Kings 14:10 (KJV 1900)
    Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.

  12. Well we all know that Dick Cheney’s Assassination Squad is based out of Lake Titcaca and they all pose as smugglers supplying an illegal Cock Fighting Ring. But of course they don’t use Cock’s they only use the Blue Footed Booby which is in the Galapagos Islands but of course an Assassination Squad isn’t made up of seamen so they get their boobies from Seymour Island instead.

    [Moderated: 5 points. All that and only one word triggered it. Yes, it was used twice, but only one award is made.]

  13. Rockhead:
    I’m creating my own. It’s part of the Hulu library. I’m watching it on the TV, not in a browser window, even though it’s not Hulu Plus, using the same kind of setup Frank uses. It’s really cool.

  14. Gently petting your new girlfriend’s pussy cat can help take the relationship to a new level. After all, if her pussy likes you, you’re in!

    [Moderated: 5 points. The 2nd occurrence of the same word doesn’t earn anything in this instance.]

  15. The UN announced a the founding a new Commission today to deal with the scourge of Global Terrorism. The new Commission of the United Nations on Terror, or CUNT, will have the authority to conduct useless meetings, waste billions of dollars of misappropriated funds, and regularly condemn Israel and the United States as terrorist nations while shielding Muslims from any blame for actions that can be directly traced to Islamist hate groups.

    [Moderated: 5 points]

  16. I’m thinking of calling my new inflatable boat The Viagara. It has to be pumped up every time I want to take it out for a spin and I’d better be quick about it or it’ll deflate on me before I make it back to the dock!

  17. My Granny was very clear about swearing and scolded me about saying someone was a bugger, saying “Don’t ever use that word!”. But my uncle always used the prase “Son of a Pup” at the dinner table. Then one time we were driving near French Lick, KY and I had a shit eating grin on my mug. (all true)

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

  18. It has been a rough weekend for me so far. I was out in the woods doing some bird watching, observing a nice pair of tits perched on a branch, when I lost my balance and fell. When I did I landed on some thorns which resulted in a prick in my finger.

  19. I spend a lot of time hissing sibilants, sounds such as SSS, ZZZ, or SH It brings me great pleasure.

    [Moderated: 5 points. Although I suspect it’s not for the reason we’re thinking. I need to research this some more. There may be bonus points due!]

  20. Is Obama simply too stupid to understand how debt works, or is he just curious about what comes after a trillion. Cause in case he hasn’t noticed we already owe a lot of money to other countries http://www.usdebtclock.org/. Also the number that comes after a trillion is a quadrillion according to wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Names_of_large_numbers there Obama’s curiosity should be satisfied, so now we can retard our spending.

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

  21. I utterly, utterly despise the South Carolina Gamecocks. Stephen Garcia looks like a hippy. Steve Spurrier is uglier than a crudbucket farmer who raises jackasses. They play in the SEC. And they’re called the Cocks. Their fans cheer, “Go Cocks!” without reservation. Dreadful.

    [Moderated: 5 points. No extra points for the same word 3 times, since it’s the same usage.]

    [Oh, and I’ll ignore the SEC slap for the duration of the game. But I am loading up. – B.]

  22. I am, in full honesty, not very good at this game. I’m a prude. If I were to wade in the River of Sin, I wouldn’t even come out with a wetback. I even hate sauerkraut! When a character in an MST3k movie used the term “book-gook”, I hung my head like Johnny Cash!

    But to help my friends out, a website I’ve seen indicates that Puss is the tenth month of the year in the Hindu calendars. Use it as you may.

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

  23. Captain Norman Dyke nearly destroyed Easy Company at Foy! While he was never as arrogantly cocksure as Captain Sobel, the stress of combat was too much for Dyke’s capacities as a company commander.

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

  24. That Damn Pussy Cat belongs in a penal colony to be tickled all day by homo erectus for all his tit comments.

    In My Cocksure Opinion, you should try captchas or even WP membership. Any reason why you don’t?

    [Moderated: 10 points.]

    [And those questions are legitimate questions. Let me address them. And, yes, this part is serious; for those wanting teh funneh, you can skip now to the next comment.

    CAPTCHA would involved having a plugin, since it’s not included with WordPress. And, with the security Frank has on the Website, it’s not as simple as using the WordPress “add plugin” button. Frank (wisely, in my mind) has upgraded security on the Website.

    Once CAPTCHA is installed, there’s the whole signing up and the getting and managing of multiple keys. It’s a first-class service, and has all the extra work that something like that involves.

    Membership is another thing. In fact, at one time, Frank allowed it. There are a few dozen with membership. It wasn’t required for commenting, but it was available for those that wanted it. However, around that time, a WordPress vulnerability was discovered that allowed members to hack into administrative rights via SQL injection. In fact, IMAO was hit with it. WordPress was caught off-guard, plus it was a weekend, and the only way to immediately deal with the vulnerability was to handle it forcefully. That meant turning off membership sign-up; this was the official WordPress work-around, in fact. The cleanup of the hack took a few hours, and it was minor; the hacker didn’t actually do the kind of damage he could have done. Oh, and WordPress didn’t deliver a fix for a few days. When it finally came, membership wasn’t turned back on.

    WordPress doesn’t currently have a shared-membership process, like Google blogs (Blogger) … or WordPress.com blogs, for that matter. Which surprises me. So, membership on a WordPress blog like IMAO only extends to the one blog.

    Because of the lack of shared membership for some, and for the concept of membership for others, on blogs where membership is a requirement, some people really hate it. Of course, around here, they are mostly Ron Paul supporters, or borderline trolls, so it could be a benefit. But there are others that hate it beside that group. So, for now, at least, membership is considered more trouble than it’s worth. – B.]

  25. Somebody reminded me of a bit from Beavis and Butt Head:

    Ms. Jenkins: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.
    Butt Head: Whoa, huh huh, she just said “ass munch.”

    Ms. Jenkins: Half haste helps but whole haste hinders.
    Butt Head: Whoa, she just said “butthole.” Huh huh.

  26. How to kill a pimple:

    Draw the pimple to a head by squeezing it.
    Let the pus (Alternate spelling: puss) drain.
    Soak the former pimple with vinegar.
    Don’t “cock it up” as the English say, or you’ll be in pain.

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

  27. We have serious problem with Muslim terrorist. Our fight so far has caused a giant sucking sound to the economy.
    I suggest we use Viagra to solve this problem.
    Like the girl who recently made the news for knocking out a thief and keeping him as a sex slave while feeding him Viagra. Let the cocky Muslim-perpetrators know that we will do this to them thus keeping them out of paradise for associating this whores. As a bonus we could make them suck down some whiskey while taking the Viagra.

    [Moderated: 10 points.]

  28. FranticUntouchablesHitAWetBackingFullOfUckyGelatinForAPfennigGermanMadeOfLuckIkeSetUpIssuanceFor.

    [Moderated: 5 points. Initially, 25 points for the 5 words. But you lose penalty points by not properly spacing the words. Had this comment been properly left, it would not have been moderated. So only 1 point each for being able to find the words.]

  29. Not too far south of Cincinnati is Big Bone Lick State Park in Kentucky. I’m not sure how far it is from Beaver Lick, KY, though. Maybe I’ll snatch a peek at MapQuest and see what comes up

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

  30. Basil:
    A do-it-yourself Green Acres marathon! When I catch up technologically I’ll be checking that out. Right now I’m in the process of trying to wear out one of the last CRT HD units from Sony and this stupid computer. When the current hamster dies I’ll be getting a new computer instead of replacing the hamster.

  31. My condolences, Corona. Alas, the filter is not phonetic.

    Thanks for the detailed explanation, Basil. I haven’t worked much with WordPress, but it looks like there are some OpenID plugins if you ever choose to go that way.

    I’m also surprised that CAPTCHA would require signing up and getting and managing any keys. You shouldn’t need a service. It’s usually just random characters or a math problem converted to an image with some static, blur, and/or waviness distortions, so you just need an image manipulation library. Some don’t even use images. So, at least one of the free WP captcha plugins is probably local.

    And, just in case you don’t read the normal comments, I’ll note that smoking fags is illegal almost everywhere, yet I’m always seeing fag butts lying around. Strange.

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

    [Regarding CAPTCHA, my info is about the real CAPTCHA, not a “works-like CAPTCHA” plugin. I’ve used the real deal, and it’s good. But, yes, there are other similar plugins.

    About the OpenID plugins, yes, I’ve seen those, but I haven’t actually worked with them, so I can’t speak to them. And Frank would certainly want to fully research any plugin before going through all the hassle of adding it, because of what has to be done behind the scenes regarding security settings. – B.]

  32. That’s not fair! ss396 just wrote down a Welsh town name! I wouldn’t expect to get points just by pasting CaerBanMeIfYouWillIWillGoAboutCockingMyGunToShootSomePussyCatsMyHowIHatePussyCatsHunkiesPolacksScumDogsAllAreBetterThanCats!

    [Moderated: 15 points. And your point about things like this is well-taken. I’ve issued penalty points for these kind of comments. This example, however, if properly spaced between the words, would still have made three hits, so no penalty points.]

  33. All this talk of dogs vs. pussy cats reminds me of Microsoft’s Asirra CAPTCHA. I’m sure Marko and DamnCat would love it.

    I wasn’t aware reCAPTCHA was considered “real CAPTCHA”, but I know what you mean about unproven captchas. Google has a vested interest in that service keeping up to date. Then again, that also makes reCAPTCHA a bigger target. An unpopular, unusual CAPTCHA has its advantages.

    Good talking with you, Basil.

    [Moderated: 5 points.]

    [Yeah, captcha.net is the “official” CAPTCHA, as the direct descendent of the original Carnegie Mellon development. And reCAPTCHA is the official implementation. That’s not to say other implementations aren’t worthwhile. – B.]

  34. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » The Queue Monster was fed

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