Archive for July, 2011

Official 9th Blogiversary Post

Saturday, July 9, 2011 2:35 pm

Here is another post for more reminiscing over the past nine years and more dollar paying. Thanks to all those who have already paid a dollar… and special thanks to those who paid more than that. You can just multiply the amount you paid me by nine and that how many years you’re now good for. If you haven’t paid me the dollar yet for making you laugh, just click on the PayPal link on the sidebar. You don’t want to be thief; if the police find out, they’ll probably just murder you. They really hate humor thieves.

Man, I have written quite a lot over these nine years and probably have forgotten most of it. I’m thinking I should add a “take me to a random page” button. Would be kinda complicated since there are actually two sets of IMAO posts (those done on MoveableType and those done on WordPress), but I’m like a super smart programmer, so I could probably figure it out if I wanted to.

Anyway, entertain me by putting more funny stuff I wrote in the comments! And thanks for supporting IMAO all these years!

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Which One’s Crazier?

Saturday, July 9, 2011 6:00 am

Hulu
The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Guy Smiley
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One's Crazier
Which One’s Crazier?

Guy Smiley
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

Frank J
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Guy Smiley
Frank, what do you do for a living?

Frank J
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Guy Smiley
Our next contestant…

Harvey
All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Guy Smiley
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

Harvey
You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

Guy Smiley
And, finally…

Basil
Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Guy Smiley
Where do you work, Basil?

Basil
You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Guy Smiley
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
(more…)

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9th Blogiversary Tomorrow – You Owe Me a Dollar!

Friday, July 8, 2011 5:01 pm

Yes, IMAO will turn nine tomorrow and enter its 10th year of blogging excellence. Can you believe it’s been nine years? If you can’t, go find the date of the first post on IMAO and compare it to today’s date. Math skills may be required. Anyway, I’m busy tomorrow (it’s a Saturday) so I didn’t know if I’d be able to post then, so I’m posting now.

So what does the ninth blogiversary mean? Well, I looked up the rules, and it means that anyone I ever made laugh owes me a dollar. So, if anything at IMAO ever made you laugh, you need to go the left sidebar, find that PayPal donation button, and send me a dollar. If you don’t, then you’re a thief (I don’t make the rules). And if I never made you laugh, then sending a dollar is optional (though still encouraged). Any and all proceeds from this will go to the Get the Flemings Out of Debt Fund — a good cause I personally feel very strongly for. Oh, and some money may go towards getting Buttercup more hats (BABIES NEED HATS!!!).

So, what are your favorite IMAO memories from the past nine years? Or if your brain’s pretty addled, you can just say your favorite IMAO memories from the past couple days. Or maybe even earlier today. What did you think of that Crowder video?

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The Murder Circus!

Friday, July 8, 2011 2:02 pm

Crowder decided to hold off on his Olbermann video to release one on Casey Anthony. Since it was done quickly, it’s a bare-bones production that, frankly, is an insult to all his fans. AN INSULT!

Think he made some good points, though — points that would have been much better made with HIGH TECH GRAPHICS!

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Coming Soon To Pay-Per-View

Friday, July 8, 2011 11:54 am

From the Daily Caller:

Tim Pawlenty boasted Thursday that despite his nice-guy image, he’s probably been in more hockey fights than anyone else running for president.[emphasis mine]

I would sell all my worldly possession, quit my job, and spend every waking moment campaigning for Tim Pawlenty if he would just promise me that his first act upon being elected President would be to pull Obama’s shirt up over his head and start punching him until he lapsed into a coma.

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Nuke the News: The Only Thing Obama Stimulated Was… MURDER!

Friday, July 8, 2011 11:01 am

* Didn’t really get this whole Humberto Leal thing. If one of our citizens went to another country and raped and murdered someone, could you see America making a big stink about the guy’s rights? I mean, no one is saying the guy is innocent, but we’re supposed to care after what he’s done that he didn’t get to talk to a consulate? What was the consulate going to say to him? I hope it would be, “DON’T RAPE AND MURDER PEOPLE!” And when we see the Mexican government doing all they can to help rapists and murderers, it’s not really great PR for the country. They really want to spend more time highlighting the non-rapists and non-murderers. Still, just before dying from lethal injection, Leal shouted, “Viva Mexico!” So they won over one guy.

* So you know how the Democrats have made the Koch brothers their new Emmanuel Goldstein, making them the center of all that’s bad since blaming Bush isn’t working anymore? Well, Democrat Senator Patty Murray still thought she’d send them a fundraising letter asking for a five figure contribution. Two things:

1. How do you know when a liberal doesn’t fundamentally care about something? Answer: They get really worked up about it. Because the only thing liberals get worked up about is partisan nonsense, and it never involves any fundamental beliefs at all. Blaming everything on the Koch brothers — or Bush or Palin — is just a game to them.

2. As I keep pointing out, the U.S. Senate is filled with the dumbest, most useless people in all of America. You could replace them all with crackheads and improve the quality.

* So apparently $10 million of stimulus went to Project Gunrunner. I really wondered how exactly one could spend as much money as Obama did and not create any jobs, but that’s because apparently to him arming Mexican criminals = stimulus. I guess that would create some jobs in crime scene cleanup, but a lot of that was in Mexico. Really makes you wonder where all the rest of the $666 billion in stimulus ended up, but Obama has guaranteed that less than 25% of that money went towards murdering us.

But he’s been known to bend the truth.

* Tim Scott brought up the idea of impeaching Obama if he ignores the debt ceiling. Two things (things always come in twos):

1. I don’t see Obama doing that, because then he’d own the debt and couldn’t blame Republicans at all. He’s too much of a coward for that.

2. Impeachment, as we know, is messy. I’d rather just bully the impotent Obama for a year or so more and wait for the election and just make it clear that, if he’s reelected, then we will impeach him.

* IN THE MAIL: Friend of IMAO, Brian J. Noggle, has a novel out called John Donnelly’s Gold. It’s available on Kindle here and in paperback here.

* Wisdom of the Day: “The NAACP has blasted CNN for a lack of diversity. CNN should blast the NAACP for the same thing.” -Jim Norton

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Random Thoughts

Friday, July 8, 2011 9:07 am

“Sensei, how do I do a critical hit for 2X damage?”

Since the term “Giant Panda” is already taken, what do you call a panda that’s 50 feet tall?

If one of our citizens went to another country and raped and murdered someone, I’d hope we’d be apologetic.

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Nuke the News: Mathematically ‘Proven’ to Be Funny

Thursday, July 7, 2011 11:01 am

* Obama now says he wants $4 trillion in cuts. So previously Obama hadn’t even cared about proposing a budget that didn’t still add to the deficit, but now he wants trillions in cuts. I know what you’re thinking: “It’s a trap!” Yeah, but he’s also an idiot. He has to be able to spring the trap without accidentally strangling himself in one of its strings, and he’s just too inept for that. When Obama puts down a piece of cheese as bait, I say, “Yay! Free cheese!”

* So Obama had his Twitter town hall, and, as expected, he answered a bunch of questions on Justin Bieber. And he wasn’t even taking questions from regular people. One question he answered was from Speaker Boehner and another from New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof (both their questions were also about Bieber).

Interesting the rhetoric Obama used about Republicans: “The debt ceiling should not be something that is used as a gun against the heads of the American people”. First Republicans were just driving cars into ditches and standing idly by as it gets fixed while drinking a Slurpee. And now they’re putting guns to people’s heads? Probably soon they’ll be raping and murdering! Maybe we should have seen it coming. Maybe we should have noticed that they didn’t pay for that Slurpee but got it when they robbed the 7-11. But it’s too late now; they have a debt ceiling pointed right at us! We better do as they say and cut spending!

* Obama’s planning to stay longer in Iraq. Obama had pledged to have everyone out by 2011, but, you know, he’s pledged lots of things. Plus, if we ended that war, then we’d have an even number of wars going, and that’s bad luck.

Still, as John Kerry said: “You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.” Kind of a racist statement, in retrospect.

* BTW, here is a nice column from Jonah Goldberg on how the phrase “That’s racist!” is mainly just a punchline to today’s generation. Liberals think that by repeating the accusation enough, it will stick, but really it just makes them look like mindless idiots.

* Nidal Hasan, the Fort Hood shooter, will have a military trial and could face the death penalty. Hasan’s lawyers urged that they not seek the death penalty saying that such a trial will be costly. I would like to put to rest all his worries and assure him it will not be costly. The military uses the death penalty all the time — often without a trial — so they’re very efficient at it. In fact, you could say their main mission is to kill bad people, and they are very good at it. Much better than say the post office or the DMV. So I’m sure they’ll be able to give Hasan his trial and execute him way under budget. So no worries; everyone’s happy.

* In another one of those breathless birther e-mails I get multiple times a day and can’t figure out how to stop, they announce “Mathematical ‘proof’ Obama birth certificate a forgery”. See, once again math is Obama’s enemy! Hmm… but why put the scare quotes on the word “proof”? Oh, I know, it’s because THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP SENDING ME THESE THINGS ARE MORONS! Just another reason we need to defeat Obama in 2012: maybe that will cause these people to stop e-mailing me their constant idiocy.

* James Spader will be joining the cast of The Office next season. Nothing witty to say about that, I just like The Office and thought James Spader had a really interesting character in the finale. It’s my blog, and I can just talk about stuff because I like it. Yes, I can! No, you shut up! Fine… I’ll ask for permission next time.

* Wisdom of the Day: “To those who want more income for the government: 47% of Americans pay ZERO Federal Income Tax.” -Dave Ramsey

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, July 7, 2011 9:13 am

Has David Brooks ever not been considered a useless twit by the conservative community?

My wife was telling me about the book Hunger Games. Liked it better when my Asian friend told me about it and it was called Battle Royale.

In America, Battle Royale was called Quarter Battle with Cheese.

The only thing I want to know about the lower class is whether their backs are sturdy enough to support my weight when I step on them. Frank J. 2016

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How many Internets is enough?

Thursday, July 7, 2011 7:38 am

You remember Barack Obama, right?

He was that idiot that a lot of other idiots went and elected to the presidency. You remember. Sure you do.

Anyway, he’s still around. Not very relevant — it’s hard to be that incompetent and still be relevant — but still around.

According to Politico, he said that schools need more “internets.”

That makes me wonder: how many internets is enough?

Maybe we could have one that liberals could use. Them and Europe. Liberals love Europe. They forget that 235 years ago we fought a war so we wouldn’t have to do things the way Europe does. But, being idiots, the liberals forget things like that.

Anyway, let’s have some internets set aside for them. Then, we won’t have to put up with trolls on our Internet. Except the RONPAUL!!!1!!!! worshippers. We could keep the libertarians, too, I suppose. But those liberaltarians — the liberal version of libertarians — can go with them.

Maybe some internets set aside for cats. I see a lot of the Internet taken up by cats. Let’s move them to their own. Not as banishment, like for liberals and their kind, but so that we can keep them all in one place, you know, to keep up with them. When we need a good LOLCAT or OMGCAT or PIANOKITTEH fix, we’ll know where to go. And when we don’t, they aren’t using up all our bandwidth.

Oh, and one for spammers. They need their own bunch of internets. When they start buying each other’s Viagra or Rolex watches or move each other’s money out of Nigeria, they’ll be self-supporting and not bothering us.

What other internets are needed?

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Nuke the News

Wednesday, July 6, 2011 11:03 am

* So, there was that Casey Anthony verdict. I didn’t really follow that, but any time I was visiting my parents in the past couple months, they’d have that news that’s on the TV and usually on that they were talking about the trial. So it was like TV news important, but I pretty much missed on the internet… until the verdict. That’s why I like political blogs and following certain people on Twitter to get my news; they’re good at filtering out all the stuff I don’t really care to hear about. But now we have the verdict, and I think I’m supposed to be outraged but I’m not really sure what’s going on. I’ll go see what Ace of Spades tells me I should think and then I’ll come back and tell you people what to think.

* So Republicans are accusing the stimulus of costing $278,000 per job created. They reached this number by taking how much stimulus has been spent ($666 billion — ominous) and (this is complicated) dividing that by the number of jobs the Obama administration has claimed to have created. Obama has objected to this number, though, because it makes him look bad and was created using math — something that discriminates against women. Lesson for Obama team: Never make numbers available to the public. People will use them to make you look stupid and useless. Instead just say, “Some money was spent and lots of jobs were created!” and never give specifics. And if someone asks about transparency, show them the same statement through an overhead projector.

* President Obama is going to host a Twitter town hall today, answering questions sent to him through Twitter. Just post on Twitter with the tag #AskObama and he might answer your question. Don’t use math in any of your questions or he will send the Secret Service after you.

* The NEA has already come out and endorse Obama for 2012. Apparently they’re pretty panicked as everyone is turning against them, so they’ve come to Obama and said, “Please! Save us from accountability!” To which he says, “Sorry, but I’m too busy saving myself from the exact same thing!

* Apparently, sulfur stops global warming, so the solution is to burn more coal. I was already doing that! In fact, people keep telling me to stop. They’re like, “Frank, stop burning so much coal!” And I’m like, “I like burning stuff and coal burns a long time and get off my lawn or I burn you next!” Why? Because I’m an environmentalist, that’s why.

* Interestingly, the more people know about science, the less they believe in global warming. So if you’re someone with no science background and no science knowledge — like Al Gore — you’re super-sure global warming is real and threat to humanity. If you actually know what science is, you recognize most of the global warming stuff to be more prognostication than actual provable science. Liberals say you’re not supposed to question Science! — that thinking is the enemy of Science! — but of course, independent thinking is the enemy of most of their policies.

* I checked with Ace, and he basically just said “Huh” to the whole Casey Anthony thing, so I guess we bloggers are all kinda stumped on this one. Any of you want to talk about the Wii U instead?

* There are rumors that Apple is about to launch the iPad 2 Plus. It’s just like the regular iPad 2, but you get a free ice cream sandwich with it. STEVE JOBS IS A GENIUS!!!11!!

* Wisdom of the Day: “After all these years, it’s amazing how many pundits cannot comprehend the idea that conservatives might mean what we say.” -Dan McLaughlin

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, July 6, 2011 9:02 am

It’s always good to know that justice has been considered.

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lolterizt! Part 135

Tuesday, July 5, 2011 9:01 pm

NOTE: Thanks for stepping up the submissions this week. My lazy ass didn’t have to lift a finger and I’m as happy as a Teamster about it!

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From jb:

[reference link]

From jb:

From Mrs. C:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From bblhd:

From Brian The Adequate:

[reference link]

From Former Hostage:

From Former Hostage:

From Frank (not J):

From hrolf:

From John:

[reference link]

From John:

[ref 1, ref 2]

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Will the Fact That Obama Is an Awful President Be an Issue in 2012?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011 1:02 pm

I analyze how much Obama’s ineptness will be an issue in 2012 in my latest Pajamas Media column.

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Nuke the News

Tuesday, July 5, 2011 11:02 am

* FOX News’s Twitter feed was hacked so that they reported that Obama was assassinated early yesterday morning. And there have already been a number of false death scares of famous people started on Twitter. So don’t believe everything you read on Twitter; the information on it is not carefully vetted like everything else on the internet.

And always believe everything you read on IMAO. I even provide links in these stories to prove they’re real. Don’t click on the links, though, because that just shows you don’t trust me and it makes me mad.

* Hugo Chavez has announced to his supporters that he’ll beat cancer, though cancer has also announced it’s not going to let this PR coup get away from it.

Chavez is being treated in Cuba where, thanks to socialized medicine, doctors have access to the internet to look up on Wikipedia what is cancer.

* There’s talk of Obama replacing Joe Biden as his running mate in 2012. I don’t buy it; it would just smell too much of desperation.

“First black president! Pretty exciting, huh? Oh, you don’t consider that exciting anymore. Well… uh… how about a new VP! Exciting!”

Biden was a pretty stupid choice, though. I guess since he had been in the Senate so long, they assumed he would know something useful, but that’s what you call really bad logic. As I’ve said numerous times, it’s just so easy to coast in the Senate. Your party will tell you how to vote based on what they want and your electability, and — considering what state you’re from — you can just coast like that for decades.

But, anyway, if they replaced Biden, he’d be all like, “That’s okay; I didn’t want to be VP anymore,” but everyone would see his sad face and get mad at Obama like he kicked a puppy. Plus, if the Democrats really want to show they’ve woken up and take America’s concerns seriously, they should replace the guy at the front of the ticket.

* So anyone know what we’re accomplishing in Libya yet? They keep talking about how we need to depose Qdaffy, so why don’t we just go in and do it? I mean, it’s a dinky little country, we should be able to just march in and seize Qdaffy and then fire him out of a cannon into the sea. Then we’ll be like, “There. We deposed him.” And everyone will be like, “You just fired him out of a cannon!” And we’ll be like, “That’s what ‘depose’ means. It’s Greek for ‘to fire out of a cannon’.” And they’ll be like, “Greeks didn’t have cannons!” And we’ll be like, “SHUT UP OR WE’RE DEPOSING YOU NEXT!”

* A California official has called for Riverside and twelve other counties to secede from California. As I’ve said before, if they’re careful splitting California into three, they could get up to two working states out of the deal. Really, secession is the only smart thing to do for most Californians… that or sink certain parts of California into the sea. You’ll probably want to start with where all the politicians are — the state capital… oh wait, that’s inland. It will be hard to sink into the sea. Maybe orchestrate some mudslide that will cover the whole thing? Eh, I guess just go with secession; it sounds easier. Make sure to build large fences around old California, though.

* Transformers: Dark of the Moon has already taken in nearly $400 million worldwide. I mean its just a bunch of giant, incomprehensible, CGI robots smashing each other, but people are flocking to it. I mean, you’d think the last one — Transformers: Long, Giant Headache — would have convinced everyone to have nothing to do with Transformers ever again, but I guess the siren’s call of giant, incomprehensible, CGI robots smashing each other is just too much to resist. I don’t know why people would expect to understand or be entertained by that, but perhaps they are more hopeful souls than I. We’re really nearing the point, though, that we could have computers randomly generate blockbusters. They already do all the special effects, and with all the standard cliches, can you really tell me that a computer couldn’t have written the script for Avatar?

* In other movie news, the new Captain America movie will simply be titled The First Avenger in Russia, Ukraine, and South Korea, leaving “America” out of the title. In America it will be called Captain America: The First Avenger, and in all other countries it will be called Captain America: Captain of the Country That’s Way Better Than Your’s, Losers.

* I’ve decided to try out “Nuke the News” as the title for this feature, based on Banta_Fodder’s suggestion. Thus, I will preliminarily give him HIGH PRAISE.

It’s your wit an intelligence that keeps IMAO going, Bantha_Fodder.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, July 5, 2011 8:59 am

New show on FOX News replacing Glenn Beck: One hour of people calling Obama a d*ck.

I have to say, Obama has convinced me that Sasha and Malia would be much more responsible presidents than himself.

Even though it’s pretty cliched, I wouldn’t mind if the Obama administration had the “it was all a dream” ending.

Watching a BBC series that went on for 15 seasons. Guess how many episodes total it has. (A. 42)

If the British call a season a series, what do they call the entire run of the show?

At it’s current pace, Sherlock would have to have 5 seasons before it had more episodes than the long running American series Firefly.

Most American shows reach their 100th episode in the 5th season. No BBC series expected to hit that before the earth is swallowed by the sun.

Notable exception: Dr. Who. Apparently 31 seasons and 777 episodes. Average 25 episodes a season. That’s too many.

The 3DS
is a pretty neat system. Wish they’d make some games for it. Or should I say, “Games I haven’t already owned for two previous Nintendo systems.”

Me: “What’s the point of a monocle?”
Her: “To help peanuts see better.”

5 Guys makes the best fast-food burger, but I’m always also really impressed with their employees.

Chipotle is coming to Boise! Now there is nothing worthwhile having that our city lacks.

Watching Tron Legacy. Seems like half the movie is people dramatically staring out really large windows.

I very much enjoy this country.

Independence Day is the worse day of the year for my dog, though. She’s already been cowering most of the week.

Buttercup is a virtuoso!

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July 4, 2011

Monday, July 4, 2011 4:00 am

The 235th birthday of our country, it may be a good time to re-read this document:

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Georgia:
Button Gwinnett
Lyman Hall
George Walton

North Carolina:
William Hooper
Joseph Hewes
John Penn

South Carolina:
Edward Rutledge
Thomas Heyward, Jr.
Thomas Lynch, Jr.
Arthur Middleton

Massachusetts:
John Hancock

Maryland:
Samuel Chase
William Paca
Thomas Stone
Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George Wythe
Richard Henry Lee
Thomas Jefferson
Benjamin Harrison
Thomas Nelson, Jr.
Francis Lightfoot Lee
Carter Braxton

Pennsylvania:
Robert Morris
Benjamin Rush
Benjamin Franklin
John Morton
George Clymer
James Smith
George Taylor
James Wilson
George Ross

Delaware:
Caesar Rodney
George Read
Thomas McKean

New York:
William Floyd
Philip Livingston
Francis Lewis
Lewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard Stockton
John Witherspoon
Francis Hopkinson
John Hart
Abraham Clark

New Hampshire:
Josiah Bartlett
William Whipple

Massachusetts:
Samuel Adams
John Adams
Robert Treat Paine
Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen Hopkins
William Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger Sherman
Samuel Huntington
William Williams
Oliver Wolcott

New Hampshire:
Matthew Thornton

We shouldn’t limit our reading — or understanding — of this document for anniversaries such as today.

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Olbermann Video Teaser

Friday, July 1, 2011 2:02 pm

What ever happened to Crowder getting full videos ready on Thursday evening? Well, here’s a trailer for his next one which is about Olbermann and guest stars Michelle Malkin, Andrew Breitbart, and Hannah Giles:

Kinda feel bad picking on Olbermann now, though. He’s gone to Current TV — I’m not even sure that’s a real TV channel. If Olbermann could convince me to post his videos on IMAO, he’d be more than doubling his audience.

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Frank Reads the News

Friday, July 1, 2011 11:03 am

* Mark Halperin, editor-at-large for Time, was suspended indefinitely for calling President Obama a “dick” — even though that’s only the start of things they called Vice President Cheney. Still, there’s no reason for vulgarity; you can accurately describe the president and keep it clean — like call him an “arrogant, utterly useless waste of space.” Be blunt but dignified.

Still, it’s interesting that even the left-wing are apparently getting tired of Obama. He used to be the liberal messiah, and now he’s just the guy who won’t shut up.

* Apparently as soon as the a debt ceiling deal is reached, Timothy Geithner is leaving his job to spend more time not paying taxes. Who will we be able to find that will do as great a job as he did? A bag of hammers? A box turtle? A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle? Really, seeing the job that guy did, if you were an employer, would you let that guy anywhere near a cash register? You might even just make him a Walmart greeter and suddenly end up millions in debt.

Who am I kidding; how is he going to find a job in this economy?

* President Obama has said talking with Republicans on the debt ceiling is a “conversation not worth having” while at the same time he’s meeting with the Muslim Brotherhood. Kinda par for the course for that guy. I wonder how that conversation will go?

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD: “We hate the West and want to see America destroyed!”

OBAMA: “Bah! You guys are all talk about destroying America. Me, I’m actually doing something about it!”

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD: (whispering to themselves) “What a…”

* Dick Durbin said that an illegal alien could be a future president. Well, that would be one way to get President Obama to finally do something about illegal immigration: Make him think they’re coming after his job. Of course, having an illegal alien as president isn’t anywhere near as scary a thought as another four years of Obama. I mean, those guys pick lettuce; they have to have at least some practical experience.

* Glenn Beck’s final show aired yesterday. He ended it with a heartfelt goodbye just before sealing himself in a bomb shelter with a five year food supply.

* A Harvard study says that if you attend a 4th of July parade, you’re more likely to become a Republican. So obviously taking your kids to 4th of July parades is just part of being a responsible parent.

Isn’t it kind of a problem for Democrats that patriotism is so closely associated with Republicans? If someone is making their choice on who should run the country based on who actually kind of likes the country, that’s really bad news for the left.

* FOX New’s RedEye, which just had its 1000th show, is beating CNN primetime in ratings despite airing at 3am. To me, its the only cable news show worth watching. All of the news show are just so vacuous, but at least RedEye is conscious of the fact. Also, Greg Gutfeld will be one of the people you’ll see in Glenn Beck’s old time slot. I think they’ll keep him on a leash at that hour, but hopefully he’ll be able to bring the unicorn versus griffins debate to a larger audience.

* Wisdom of the Day: “I dated a hippie chick who worked for Human Rights Watch. Ironically, it was torture.” -Neal Brennan

* You had a lot of suggestions for a new name for this segment, so I added them all together and came up with this: “Frank Frank Frankly Franking Frank Frank”. Know what? Your suggestions were all awful. You people are nearly Obama useless. I don’t know why I keep you around.

I did kind of like “What the Frank?” but I probably shouldn’t have a title suggestive of swear words. I also liked “Morning Musket to the Junk” — though no one suggested it — but it also has the light vulgarity problem. So you can try again, but for now I’m keeping the HIGH PRAISE for myself.

I’m such an awesome guy; I don’t even think the human mind can comprehend my awesomeness.

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In Case You Miss The Fred

Friday, July 1, 2011 11:00 am

Fred & Jeri Thompson will be guest-hosting Sean Hannity’s radio show today (3-6pm Eastern).

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