Nuke the News: Unpopular in the Arab World

* Obama stormed out of debt negotiations. Apparently, in a dispute with Republicans, he pounded his fists, kicked his feet in the air, and screamed, “I want tax increases! I don’t want to cut spending! I’m the president; I get what I want!” And then he ran away crying.

It’s seems pretty unlikely that Republicans are going to get any useful deal from Obama, so I think they should just go for broke. Make a deal for $10 trillion with no tax increases — in fact have it with tax cuts that required even more spending cuts to compensate. It will have one new source of revenue, though: Obama will have to spend most of his day in a dunk tank. $20 dollars a ball. Estimated earnings: One trillion dollars.

* Moody’s is now considering downgrading the U.S.’s credit rating. That’s probably the best thing that could happen to America. Maybe if our credit gets low enough, no one will lend us money anymore. Then we’ll finally have to buckle down balance our budget. Though, more likely, we’ll just declare bankruptcy. Oh, selling off our assets is going to be painful; I always liked Hawaii.

* Sarah Palin says she’ll have a decision on whether to run for president by late summer. That’s boring and expected. I hope she has some other unexpected announcement entirely. “I am here today to announce that Alaska is splitting off to become it’s own country called Freedonia — and there’s nothing you can do about it because it’s way up there!” Obama will get all mad and be like, “I will do something about it! I’ll show you!” But then he’ll look at a map and be like, “Wow; it is out of the way. I don’t want to go all the way over there to get Alaska back. Maybe if I’m in Canada one day, I’ll wander over and yell at them. I sure like Canada.”

* The US’s favorable rating in the Arab world is now even lower than during the Bush era. This is not supposed to be. We were told that if we elected Obama, everyone would be like, “Hey, their president’s name is a lot like Osama — and we love Osama! Maybe America isn’t so bad.” And look how Obama is destroying America; people in the Middle East love the destruction of America. I guess unless you’re a slavish follower of Obama, he just become off-putting after a while. He’s “kind of a duck” as one TV commentator put it.

Still, hard to get worried over us being unpopular in the Arab world. It’s if we’re suddenly really popular there, then we should get worried. “Hmm… we have 90% popularity in the Arab world… OH NO! DID WE ACCIDENTALLY DO A HOLOCAUST?!!!”

* US women have beat France at soccer 3-1. I don’t know if our women beat their men or what — I don’t really understand soccer. But we won; so yay. Blow into your vuvuzela — though I guess you do that no matter what.

In the World Cup Final, we’ll be facing Japan. Japan could really use a pick me up after all that’s happened to them, so I hope we crush them. Other countries need to learn not to get their self-worth from soccer. Just don’t.

* The Journal of the American Medical Association has suggested taking fat kids away from their parents. If we go through with this plan, we’ll have a foster system full of fat kids, all waddling around parent-less with Michelle Obama pointing and laughing at them and forcing them to eat peas. I’m not saying that’s bad; I’m just pointing out what it entails.

* An atheist in Austria won the right to get his picture taken with a pasta strainer on his head as religious headgear to make a point about… how headgear… um… I don’t know. I thought the whole point of atheism is that their being all logical and reasonable, yet the ones we see in the news always seem to be operating under the compulsion of unexamined mental tics. “I’ll work at it for years so I can get my picture taken with a pasta strainer on my head; that’ll show these religious nutjobs who’s irrational!”

* Wisdom of the Day: “It just wouldn’t be right to have the United States collapse without Glenn Beck on the air.” –Dave Weigel

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Random Thoughts

As much as I loathe soccer, I love USA winning much more. USA! USA! USA!

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Adding to the List

…of names that Doug Urbanski has called Obama:

“Every Republican has got to ask Obama why, WHY would he cut Social Security first…This man – who accuses the other side of being ideologues – he’s behaving as the Blackmailer-in-Chief. Like a gangster. Old Chicago-style politics. What a disgrace for the Oval Office…”

Audio clip here.

Also a few recent quotes that amused me:

“Obama keeps losing all these people on the margins – unions, seniors, blacks, hispanics, gays. If he keeps losing enough of the margins, there’ll be nothing left in the middle of the page.”

“Liberals say anything other than the words they mean, which is ‘increase taxes’. So they’re trying to create and win a public relations debate using heated, skewed, inaccurate rhetoric because Republicans have managed to turn the word ‘taxes’ into a dirty word.”

“This woman, Susan Feinberg, decides to confront Paul Ryan – a stranger – over his choice of wine. This rude, nasty, hectoring, pestering, mean, petty woman is the left encapsulated in one person.”
[reference link]

“Dare I say it? To a progressive husband and wife like the Ryan-stalking Feinbergs, trying to embarrass a Republican qualifies as a romantic evening. It’s better than sex for them.”

And we FINALLY got comments enabled on the site, so feel free to stop over & leave some encouragement. Assuming you hate-filled right-wing nutjobs actually approve of Doug’s vitriolic thoughtcrimes.

UPDATE: Per the comments, I forgot one of Crabby Old Bat’s favorites:

“For those of you who are surprised at how monumentally this President has failed – Why? When you elect a clown, should you be surprised when a circus breaks out?”

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Nuke the News: Convenient to Read on Your Couch

* If Obama doesn’t get his job-killing tax hikes as part of the debt deal, he’s threatening to not send seniors their Social Security checks. So let him further murder the economy, or old people will die! I don’t even get why he’s holding such a hard line on job killing tax hikes considering how willing he’s been to spend regardless of tax revenue before. All he wants is the debt ceiling raised so he can start recklessly spending some more, so why insist on job destruction? Maybe its just hatred of this country, but maybe he’s just trying to spoil the deal because he wants to hurt old people. Maybe this is all about lingering hatred for his typical white grandmother.

Or maybe my problem is that I’m trying to put some sort of logic behind Obama’s actions. Maybe the guy has gone mental. I mean, he’s a small man in a big job, and maybe the pressure has finally gotten to him. We always thought he was just making up straw men for his speeches to be dumbly partisan, but maybe he’s actually hallucinating these made up people arguing with him. Wait a second… what does his teleprompter he’s been reading off of actually say…

Oh no. OH NO! It’s just ‘All work and no play makes Barry a dull boy’ written over and over! Where is Obama? Is someone keeping an eye on him? Wait? What’s that sound?


* Senator McConnell has announced his fallback plan where Obama and the Democrats would have the power to raise the debt ceiling themselves. Then Democrats would have to own raising the debt ceiling and Republicans could wash their hands of it. But, on the other hand, DEMOCRATS WOULD BE ABLE TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING THEMSELVES!

If we really want to get this country on track, it’s all about giving these people less power, not more. The best government of all would have these people with nothing but a couple bucks to spend and they’d use all their time arguing whether lunch should be at Arby’s or Taco John’s.

* Ron Paul will not run for reelection, instead he’s opting to focus on his presidential run. So what should Ron Paul do after he loses the presidential race (since he’s a nutter and his supporters are super-nutters)? I’m thinking he should use all that enthusiasm he’s made for himself to start a business — maybe like an arts and crafts store where he sells ribbons, thread, googly eyes in bulk, and such. And he should call the store “RON PAUL!” Then all his followers can get on every bboard and every blog comment section and spam about how great RON PAUL! is… maybe even going door to door screaming “RON PAUL!” They could even have a nice slogan for the store: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then they buy your multi-colored construction paper at its everyday low low price!”

* Amazon is striking back against the new tax law in California by sponsoring a ballot initiative to repeal it. So it will be contest of who is more popular: California’s government or That’s too easy. Let’s try another one – Who is more popular: California’s government or pedophiles.

* Electronic Arts has acquired PopCap games for $750 million. I’m hoping we’ll see some synergy between the two, like maybe a Madden vs. Zombies game.

* Netflix is having a big price hike. Instead of $9.99 for unlimited streaming plus one DVD at a time, it will be $7.99 for unlimited streaming and another $7.99 for one DVD at a time. I kinda wonder if they’re just trying to scare more people off of DVDs since they really just want to focus on streaming (in other countries where Netflix has launched, they don’t even do DVDs). Considering how long our DVDs from Netflix sit around versus streaming we watch, we’ll probably just drop getting DVDs. DVDs are so low tech anyway; I mean to watch one you have to get up off the couch and find it and then put it in the DVD player like you’re some caveman. With streaming, you just stay there relaxed on the couch and select what you want to watch. And if we really want to see a new release, we can rent through Amazon and also still stay on the couch. Someday, in the future, we’ll never have to leave the couch — unless we want to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and boldly go where no man has gone before… but from the state of our space program, I’m pretty sure we don’t want to do that. Couch is where the future is!

* Interesting story from Russia: A man tries to rob a salon, and then the 28-year-old female owner — who is a black belt — knocks him out with one kick. Neat so far, huh? Well, then the woman ties the robber up naked, feeds him nothing but Viagra, and keeps him as a sex slave for three days to teach him a lesson. I don’t know what to say that other than vigilante justice in real life is always quite different from Batman.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Democrats: The ‘I Can’t Be Overdrawn, I’ve Still Got Checks Left’ Party.” –Crusty Burgerhead

* Obama is still in my house, BTW. He’s eating all my Reese’s Peanut Buttercups and he won’t leave. I mean, I haven’t come out and told him to leave — that would just be rude — but I’ve heavily implied I’d like him to go. Guy will not take a hint.

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Random Thoughts

I notice I still have Gmail invites. Are there people still waiting to get on Gmail?

So Obama is threatening to starve seniors unless we give him job-killing tax hikes?

So is the idea of the McConnell plan that Dems would be able to raise debt limit themselves… and I guess shoulder all the responsibility? Seems more like smart political maneuvering than actually getting debt under control.

Rich people don’t need entitlements. Why should they pay for them?

So is Netflix trying to make more money, or is it trying to chase people off of physical DVDs? I guess those aren’t mutually exclusive…

Someone was trying to argue to me that Social Security is a good, conservative idea. I’m right to dismiss the guy as a concern troll, right?

I don’t know what is exactly the sine qua non of conservatism, but to argue how great a deal Social Security is for everybody seems a little too far off.

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lolbama! Part 67

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Deb:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From MH:

From MH:

From Robert:

[reference link]

From Robert:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:


[reference link]


[ref 1, ref 2]

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From JB:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From lgbpops:

From Marco Mancuso:

[reference link]

From PBunyan:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Vegetable-Growing Outlaw

* Obama gave a speech yesterday about we need to eat band aids and rip off peas. I don’t really know as I don’t usually listen to speeches he gives since it involves a lot of him talking and it’s pretty hard imagining him having anything useful to say. I think by now we’ve all learned that he just talks and talks while saying nothing and the only thing memorable are the cliches he uses. “Let me be clear.” “This is a false choice.” “Slurpee!” The guy was elected because supposedly he done speak good, but that part has ended up just as useless as the rest of him.

So anyway, I guess he was blaming everyone else for the mess and not his own failure to lead… especially while he had huge majorities and could have gotten anything he wanted done. Of course, being responsible with America’s money is nothing he ever wanted. He even said in his speech “I’d rather be talking about stuff that everybody welcomes, like new programs…” So he wants to get through this debt talk… so he can spend more. So the whole point of this problem just went “whoosh” right over his little pinhead. He just sees himself as Santa, showering us all with gifts. Gifts we don’t want… bought with our own money. Money we don’t have. If Santa were really like that, people would spend every Christmas Eve carefully watching the fireplace while cradling a shotgun… instead of just the ones where they got a new shotgun as a Christmas Eve gift.

* The House is considering a bill that will stop the ban on incandescent light bulbs. It’s a good thing we have the people in Washington figuring out what light bulbs we should be allowed to use, because they’re such geniuses at everything else. It’s not like I have anything against CFLs — they’re efficient and save you on your electric bill in the long run — they just slowly whither your soul with their unnatural light. Also, I just don’t want to be told which light bulb to buy by people too stupid and useless to even know how to change one. We don’t need term limits for Congress; we just need to hand them a box of light bulbs and say, “We need you to change this one light bulb in this room.” Come back an hour later, and they’ll all be dead with a bunch of broken glass on the ground.

* Is your major complaint that politicians aren’t dumb and loud enough? Good news! Alan Grayson is going to run for office again! Liberals describe him as having guts, and if a liberal describes you as having guts, that’s pretty much a diagnosis of mental illness you can take to the bank. Know who they also thought had guts? Anthony Weiner. I just hope Alan Grayson doesn’t bite anyone.

* A woman in Michigan is facing 93 days in jail for planting a vegetable garden. Yes, this is the home of the brave and the land of the free, but there are common sense restrictions to this concept of “freedom”. It’s not like you can own a nuclear weapon. Or shout “FIRE!” in a crowded theater. Or grow your own vegetables. These seem like small things, but if people are so nonchalant about using government force in small things, really fear them with the big things.

* A diver photographed a fish using tools. People thought fish were too dumb to use tools because they have this sort of blank look to their faces where you just really assume their dumb (like people in Congress), but I guess some can use tools (fish, not Congress). You have this one fish using a rock to smash open a clam and later it fashioned a crude cudgel to use against Aquaman when he got too bossy.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Say what you want, but on President Obama’s watch bin Laden was killed and the Black Eyed Peas went on hiatus.” –TV’s Andy Levy

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Random Thoughts

Obama: “These first couple years I was just fooling around, but now I’m totally serious.”

So when are we going to admit to ourselves that Obama is never going to figure out this “being a leader” thing?

So he’s dug to where he’s hit bedrock and hopefully can’t dig any further, and he wants credit for “stabilizing”?

Obama says that if we don’t let him raise taxes, he’ll pee on us.

I don’t watch Obama speeches because it always involves a lot of him talking. I just don’t get the point.

If John Wayne hadn’t died from getting hit with an atomic bomb, he would have sorted everything out by now.

Is The Five that new superhero show on SyFy?

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Nuke the News: Now Trapped on Earth

* They’re still arguing about the debt ceiling in D.C. One side wants to destroy the economy in every way possible (they want to raise taxes to suppress jobs — it’s obviously not to raise revenue, because as previous spending proved, the Democrats don’t care about revenue — and also spend, spend with no limit until we collapse under debt) and the other side would rather not destroy everything. Maybe there can be a compromise and we’ll come up with a plan that just knocks us down to a second world nation instead of completely destroying us.

It’s hard not to get a little depressed as the politicians — the dumbest, most useless people in this nation — claim more and more of all the nation’s wealth to fritter away on nothing, so here’s a picture of puppies to cheer us up:

They will starve to death in this economy.

* White House Senior Adviser David Plouffe said, “The average American does not view the economy through the prism of GDP or unemployment rates, or even monthly jobs numbers.” Yeah, they really have to be hoping that voters aren’t into objective measures when determining whether someone should be reelected. Hopefully everyone is like, “I bet Obama smells nice — like freshly cut grass on a golf course. Let’s reelect him.” But if people care about stuff happening to the country, not so good for him.

* Paul Ryan paid $350 for a bottle of wine at a dinner. This is really hypocritical because he paid for expensive wine with his own money while he’s trying to keep all Americans from being forced to pay for crappy entitlements. See… hypocritical.

Some have compared this to John Edwards’s infamous $400 haircut, but there are two main differences:

1. John Edwards used campaign funds to pay for it.
2. It was a haircut — a man paying $400 dollars FOR A HAIRCUT!

* There’s now a new country in Africa: South Sudan. There hasn’t been a great record for countries in Africa so far, but maybe South Sudan will be the first country there that isn’t… you know… awful. I know one way to make sure they get off on the right foot: Ban vuvuzelas.

* Atlantis took off Friday for the final shuttle flight ever. For the first time in decades, America is now incapable of getting people into space. If there is an asteroid headed to earth and we need to blow it up in an Armageddon type scenario, hopefully Russia is on top of that. Of course, Obama has set our path for the future: high-speed trains. Yep, going from space flight to trains. Along with our economy, our society is in complete retrograde. Next we’ll be living in huts and working on high-speed horse and buggy.

* Neat find from James Taranto (last item): Basically, social scientists found that conservatives do they same processing as liberals when thinking on an issue, but then do some additional processing to get to the conservative conclusion. They proved this by showing that if you strained a conservative so he wasn’t able to think, he’d come to the same conclusion as liberals. So basically, if a conservative can’t think, he ends up like a liberal… while I guess liberals just don’t think all the time. This doesn’t give us a solution, though, because we can’t force liberals to think, but since we’ve now made this an issue of science, we can lock liberals up in cages and inject them with stuff for further study… like a study on how the debt and economy will be effected if all liberals were locked up in cages and injected with stuff. Science!

* Wisdom of the Day: “‘Zookeeper belongs right up there with Zoolander!’ -someone alphabetizing DVDs at Blockbuster in a few months, and no one else” –Sean Thomason

* Thanks again to everyone who donated a dollar for IMAO’s 9th blogiversary. I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart: You are not thieves.

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Random Thoughts

“WARNING: Contents may explode when blown up with dynamite.”

Noticed the UK has something called “Summer Bank Holiday”. Too lazy to even come up with a pretense for getting a day off.

Guess we’re done with space now. Our future is high-speed rail. That’s right: Trains!

How old does Buttercup have to be before she can describe me to others as “cold and aloof”?

Obama 2012: “I did stuff to the economy.”

Obama is losing to a generic Republican in polls. How’s he polling versus a rock with googly eyes on it?

I had a pretty good childhood for the parts that weren’t spent stuck down a well.

Remember to also love your enemies, especially if your enemy is Catwoman.

Apparently Betty Ford started drinking heavily after Carter was elected. Did that make her different from any other U.S. Citizen?

If you’re an American who responds to class warfare attacks, please murder yourself to help the economy.

Was watching the first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation on Netflix. It’s like what liberals in the 80s thought the future would be like.

Opinion seems to be that Star Trek: The Next Generation stopped being stupid when Riker grew a beard.

So Flashpoint is SWAT in Canada? What conflicts do they deal with? Maple syrup smugglers?

$350 for wine? That must come in a really fancy box.

I once paid $5 for a bottle of Budweiser while in NYC. That seems even dumber that $350 wine.

If you ever accidentally drop proof into pudding, the defense will have it thrown out.

I won’t waste my time is a museum of “fine” arts. I only like “good” and “very good” arts.

If you’re elected president, do they have an XBox at the White House or do you have to bring your own?

Good rule of thumb is that you’ve become neglectful on weeding when they’re taller than you.

Yeah, I think at this point its less “weeding” and more “deforestation”.

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Official 9th Blogiversary Post

Here is another post for more reminiscing over the past nine years and more dollar paying. Thanks to all those who have already paid a dollar… and special thanks to those who paid more than that. You can just multiply the amount you paid me by nine and that how many years you’re now good for. If you haven’t paid me the dollar yet for making you laugh, just click on the PayPal link on the sidebar. You don’t want to be thief; if the police find out, they’ll probably just murder you. They really hate humor thieves.

Man, I have written quite a lot over these nine years and probably have forgotten most of it. I’m thinking I should add a “take me to a random page” button. Would be kinda complicated since there are actually two sets of IMAO posts (those done on MoveableType and those done on WordPress), but I’m like a super smart programmer, so I could probably figure it out if I wanted to.

Anyway, entertain me by putting more funny stuff I wrote in the comments! And thanks for supporting IMAO all these years!

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Which One’s Crazier?

The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Guy Smiley
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One's Crazier
Which One’s Crazier?

Guy Smiley
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

Frank J
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Guy Smiley
Frank, what do you do for a living?

Frank J
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Guy Smiley
Our next contestant…

All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Guy Smiley
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

Guy Smiley
And, finally…

Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Guy Smiley
Where do you work, Basil?

You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Guy Smiley
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
Continue reading ‘Which One’s Crazier?’ »

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9th Blogiversary Tomorrow – You Owe Me a Dollar!

Yes, IMAO will turn nine tomorrow and enter its 10th year of blogging excellence. Can you believe it’s been nine years? If you can’t, go find the date of the first post on IMAO and compare it to today’s date. Math skills may be required. Anyway, I’m busy tomorrow (it’s a Saturday) so I didn’t know if I’d be able to post then, so I’m posting now.

So what does the ninth blogiversary mean? Well, I looked up the rules, and it means that anyone I ever made laugh owes me a dollar. So, if anything at IMAO ever made you laugh, you need to go the left sidebar, find that PayPal donation button, and send me a dollar. If you don’t, then you’re a thief (I don’t make the rules). And if I never made you laugh, then sending a dollar is optional (though still encouraged). Any and all proceeds from this will go to the Get the Flemings Out of Debt Fund — a good cause I personally feel very strongly for. Oh, and some money may go towards getting Buttercup more hats (BABIES NEED HATS!!!).

So, what are your favorite IMAO memories from the past nine years? Or if your brain’s pretty addled, you can just say your favorite IMAO memories from the past couple days. Or maybe even earlier today. What did you think of that Crowder video?

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The Murder Circus!

Crowder decided to hold off on his Olbermann video to release one on Casey Anthony. Since it was done quickly, it’s a bare-bones production that, frankly, is an insult to all his fans. AN INSULT!

Think he made some good points, though — points that would have been much better made with HIGH TECH GRAPHICS!

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Coming Soon To Pay-Per-View

From the Daily Caller:

Tim Pawlenty boasted Thursday that despite his nice-guy image, he’s probably been in more hockey fights than anyone else running for president.[emphasis mine]

I would sell all my worldly possession, quit my job, and spend every waking moment campaigning for Tim Pawlenty if he would just promise me that his first act upon being elected President would be to pull Obama’s shirt up over his head and start punching him until he lapsed into a coma.

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