Archive for August, 2011

IMAO Reader Theater: Government Unions: Fighting for You!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 10:00 pm

From Hart of That Hero:



[YouTube direct link]

At the Academy Awards, I expect it to get nominated for “Best Use of the Word ‘Something’”.

By the way, if you actually live in Ohio and Senate Bill 5 affects you, or if you’re simply amused by crazed public-sector-union grandstanding, Hart’s got the low-down.

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Nuke the News: Stealth Boats, Grizzly Bears, and Who’s the Dummy

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 11:00 am

* Obama has a new jobs plan he says he thinks could add up to one million new jobs. When asked why didn’t he unveil this plan sooner then, Obama said, “Because I didn’t think people could handle that many awesome jobs.” And when asked if these would be those invisible type jobs where he says he added them but the unemployment rate doesn’t go down, Obama said, “Hey! Some people would be happy for magic jobs!”

When Obama calls presses conferences to announce stuff, the reporters need to just stop showing up. We really have to stop encouraging him.

* Rick Perry is already responding to the dumb charges against him of being dumb with the obvious response: Pointing to Obama and his performance with the economy and wondering if that’s supposed to be the benchmark for smart. Do people really think the vague charges of dumb are going to work against a Republican when there is stark evidence of dumb for Obama?

“Wow, that Republican is a drooling moron.”

“Well, I believe he had a spike that went through his head and took out a quarter of his brain.”

“He’s barely coherent.”

“Yeah, I even saw him trying to eat a book.”

“He should be at least ten times better a president than Obama, though.”

“Oh, yes; indisputably.”

* So Canada is getting oil from tar sands. I don’t know what that means, but it’s got a lot of protesters so it must be extremely useful to society while being fairly innocuous to the environment. And the Canadians are striking back in an ad campaign, pointing out that if we get oil from Saudi Arabia, we fund oppression of women, but if we get oil from Canadian tar sands, all we fund is weird hockey obsessions. So there’s the choice: Do we help stop oppression of people by moving away from Saudi oil or do we stop… whatever bad thing whiny actors think getting oil from the tar sands is supposed to cause. I’m going to vote we do the thing that helps people. And gives us more oil.

* BTW, Vice President Biden has said that failing to invest in clean-energy technology would be “the biggest mistake this nation has made in its entire history”. Hmm… can you think of any other big mistake in American history? Martin Luther King, can you think of anything? No, I guess we’ve got a pretty good record, so not working on clean-energy would certainly be our biggest mistake.

Rick Perry sure is dumb.

* So some supposed election expert is predicting Obama has the election in the bag. Apparently, he’s predicted every election since 1984 using his formula. He has thirteen keys, and if a candidate gets six of them, that candidate wins. It’s really stupid. For one thing, every keys is equal, so huge unemployment, huge debt, and the S&P downgrade are just one strike against Obama of equal weight to him not being contested in his own primary. And for some reason he wins the key “Major domestic-policy changes in his first term” despite everyone hating all his major policies.

Now, I don’t usually try to do political predictions because I consider that witchcraft, but maybe I’ll make my own list of keys. A candidate needs to score well on these to ensure reelection:

- Doesn’t keep interrupting prime time TV to say nothing of interest to anyone.

- Has at least some idea what he’s doing.

- Doesn’t spend half the day with a bucket stuck on his head.

- Can pronounce “corpsman”.

- Doesn’t keep claiming to pivot to jobs eighty times while doing nothing useful.

- Doesn’t have giant Dumbo ears.

Ooh. Not looking so good for Obama on these points. Science!

* The Navy is working on a new stealth boat. I e-mailed Aquaman for comment, and here’s his response:

Bah! I mock and deride their “stealth” boat. No matter what people do to try and hide, my fish friends will find you and tell me about you. And then I’ll call the appropriate authority to handle you, as boats aren’t really my thing. I deal with things underwater, not above water. Though I also don’t deal with submarines; I consider those like an embassy of above waterness, so they’re also out of my purview. But if an octopus is robbing someone, I’m there.

That’s what I think of the Navy’s stealth boat.

* So the federal government is going after a guy who shot and killed a grizzly bear to protect his family. The state officials — and anyone who isn’t a heartless bureaucrat — thought the shooting was completely justified; you know a bear — on someone’s property near children — that’s the sort of thing a sensible person shoots. But the federal government, so concerned for our safety and wisely spending our money, has decided to pursue this case so society doesn’t break out into a fit of bear-murder. So, the Obama administration is not going to worry about illegal immigrants, but try and protect your family from a wild animal and they’re all over stopping that.

Never trusted bears, anyway. Their diet is mainly berries and fish, and yet they’re these giant killing machines. What is up with that? And am I now going to get a knock on my door from the feds for asking these questions? They’re not on our side; they’re on the side of the bears.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 8:41 am

I’m sorry, but my thoughts were all well-ordered and predictable yesterday, so there are no random thoughts. You can try thinking randomly in the comments if you want, though.

BTW, SarahK wants suggestions for the theme for Buttercup’s first birthday party.

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Obama’s Ace In The Hole

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 8:04 am

As Obama’s approval rating continues to sink, things are looking better and better for whoever gets the Republican nomination in 2012.

In some head-to-head polls, some Republicans beat Obama, while others are within the margin of error, statistically tied with the president.

Things are looking good for Obama being a one-termer, right?

Well, not so fast.

Obama has an Ace in the Hole. And it just might be you.

You see, Obama and the Democrats are counting on you sitting this election out. Why would you do that? Because you aren’t happy with the eventual GOP candidate.

Now, sure, it’s about a year until the GOP convention. But the process to pick the candidate is already underway. In fact, Tim Pawlenty has already dropped out of the race.

The leading candidates, if you believe the polls, are Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, and Ron Paul. And, then there’s Jon Huntsman, Newt Gingrich, Thaddeus McCotter, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, and Gary Johnson.

Then there’s about Fred Karger, Andy Martin, Tom Miller and Vern Weunsche.

Oh, and don’t forget The Rent Is Too Damn High Guy, Jimmy McMillan.

And still maybe Sarah Palin and John Bolton.

Some of the candidates don’t draw much attention. But some that do draw a lot of passion. Several of the Gary Johnson or Ron Paul (RONPAUL!!1!!!11!!!) supporters will not vote for anyone else NOMATTERWHAT!!!1!!

And others say there’s no way they’d vote for someone like Newt Gingrich or Jon Huntsman. Or Sarah Palin.

Well, unless the Republicans nominate a committee to run in 2012, only one of these will be the nominee. And there will be some very unhappy Republicans and some very unhappy conservatives. And some unhappy libertarians. And some unhappy liberaltarians.

And that’s Obama’s Ace In The Hole: Republican-leaning voters feeling they have a bad hand.

Look at it like a poker game. Say, five-card stud. Sure, nobody plays that anymore, but it’s one of the simplest to use as an analogy, so there you go.

After the cards are dealt, Obama is holding this hand:
Ace of Clubs
Jack of Clubs
Three of Hearts
Two of Diamonds
Hole Card

You have this hand:
Seven of Diamonds
Eight of Diamonds
Nine of Diamonds
Ten of Diamonds
And your hole card: 10 of Spades

You’ve got a pair of tens. Not a great hand, but potentially a winning hand. If Obama has an Ace in the hole — or a Jack in the hole — he wins. Anything else, and you win.

What Obama is counting on is you being unhappy with the GOP candidate and not showing up at the polls. That’s his Ace in the Hole. Or Jack in the Hole.

Now, a lot of you are going to bitch, moan, and complain about whoever gets the nomination. Like I have several times in my life. But, I went out and voted for the guy, because the alternative was worse. And, each time, history has proven me right. That is, since I’ve been voting (1976) the Republican who won was better than the Democrat who lost. And the Republican who lost would have been better than the Democrat who won.

Don’t be Obama’s Ace in the Hole. Or Jack in the Hole.

Prevent that situation by working like the Dickens for your candidate. Then, whoever wins, work like the Dickens for that candidate, too.

Don’t let a bunch of Ace-Holes … or Jack-Holes … mess up the next election, like they did in 2008.

Don’t be an Ace-Hole.

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lolterizt! Part 139

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 8:53 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From David:

[reference link]

From James:

From Kris:

[ref 1, ref 2]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Les:

From me (Harvey):


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From James:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Pariah:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Austerity and Drunken Uncles

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 11:00 am

* So Obama’s working on a new jobs plan. He’s worked on lots of jobs plans before, but this time is different: He’s going to put his plan in a red binder instead of the usual green binder he’s used in the past. It’s a bold move, but will it get results? Probably not; Obama hasn’t had a very close relationship with results. Him and results are kind of estranged. Actually, a couple of times Obama has seen results on the street and has yelled out, “Hey, results! It’s me, Obama!” And results just kept walking and acted like it didn’t see him.

But Obama and spending are good friends; maybe those two can make something happen. Who wants more spending? No one? Well, too bad.

* I notice they have this fancy work for trying to reduce spending: “austerity.” Why do we need exotic terms for trying to balance the budget? Shouldn’t that just be normal and anything else called “FAIL”, i.e., “Obama’s proposing some FAIL policies.”

* Michelle Bachmann joked about the earthquake and hurricane being a warning from God about D.C.’s spending, and people took it seriously and freaked out because you have to freak out about something. Still, it’s pretty obvious God’s position on debt. Just take Proverbs 22:7 for instance:

“The rich rules over the poor, And the borrower is servant to the lender.”

Of course, when the economy collapses like it does, hitting us with an earthquake as a warning is just overkill.

* Wikileaks has dumped a whole bunch more documents, and these ones include diplomatic sources the government was trying to protect. You know, in the movies, the CIA is always being evil and murdering people to cover things up, but why hasn’t this happened with the Wikileaks people? Did Obama defang them and forbid evil murders? Poor CIA; they just get kicked around these days.

* Dick Cheney offered to resign as vice president three times. Of course, each time Cheney had a shotgun in hand and the Secret Service were shouting at George W. Bush, “Don’t do it! Don’t do it!”

* Al Gore wants to treat skeptics of global warming as racists, and skeptics of global warming want to treat Al Gore as a fat weirdo. Let’s see which view become more popular in the mainstream.

BTW, here’s a must-see takedown of Al Gore from the Glenn Beck radio show.

* The Democrat running for Anthony Weiner’s seat was asked how big the nation’s debt was, and he guessed $4 trillion. He’s running for Congress and he had to guess how big the debt is. And his guess was off by $10 trillion. Do you ever get the feeling the Democrats don’t take this debt thing very seriously? You’d think maybe after the credit downgrade, they’d think that maybe it’s worth looking into, but apparently some Democrats don’t even think it’s important enough to know the correct order of magnitude of the debt. This is like running for Congress during WWII and when asked who we’re at war with, the candidate answered, “Someone in Europe — Finland maybe.”

I’ve made this point before and I’m going to keep making it: The people we send to D.C. are really really dumb and really really useless. That’s why it’s crucial to give them as little power as possible, and certainly as little spending power as possible.

* Do you know yesterday was the “Summer Bank Holiday” in the UK? I mean, they don’t even try to come up with a pretense for a holiday. They’re just like, “We’re a bank, we like being closed a lot, and it’s the summer.” I mean, we have next Monday off for “Labor Day”, but we at least named it to act like it’s actually about something. No one actually knows what the holiday celebrates, but at least we pretend.

* Obama’s illegal alien uncle was arrested in Massachusetts for drunk driving. I remember that Obama also had an illegal alien aunt in this country to. I bet there is going to be a lot of pressure on immigration official to deport as many Obamas as they are legally able.

* There’s some talk about extending legal protection to ugly people. How about just handing out free paper bags with eye holes in them?

* Though it didn’t get great reviews, I’ve really enjoyed Resident Evil: The Mercenaries for 3DS and played it a ton. What’s it really made me want to do, though, was go back and replay Resident Evil 4, which I owned for both Gamecube and Wii and probably ranks in my top five all time favorite games. Resident Evil 5 was pretty good and seemed to follow in the same vein as Resident Evil 4, but there was just something off about it where it just seemed like a pale imitation of Resident Evil 4. Even disregarding the forced co-op throughout the game that everyone complained about, the way it was setup — the level structure or something — just never felt as immersive as Resident Evil 4. It was more like playing through levels of an action game than being in a Resident Evil game. The 3DS will be getting it’s own full-fledged Resident Evil game next year, so high hopes they get that one right. And bring back zombies.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 8:47 am

People got upset that in my column I conceded that Obama is intelligent, but doing that made it funnier to compare him to a sack of hammers. I’m a humor expert; I don’t do these things lightly.

The horror stories from experienced parents about the lack of sleep from having a child were right on, but they undersold the joy.

I gather the left have never bothered to Google what a Ponzi scheme is.

Sometimes I fear civilization jumped the shark when we put people on the moon.

The thing about Miracle Whip is that I can’t even tell what it’s trying to do. Is it trying to be mayo, because if so it’s failing badly.

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Nuke the News: Hopefully You Have Power to Read This

Monday, August 29, 2011 11:00 am

* So I guess hurricane Irene was overhyped, but Katrina was overhyped too (remember when it was tens of thousands dead and people were turning to cannibalism?) so that doesn’t mean the damage wasn’t bad. Still, when you hear that Washington D.C. is getting hit with a earthquake and a hurricane within a week, it sounds like God is finally deciding to lay down His wrath on them, but from the results it doesn’t look like His heart was into it.

* People are acting like it’s a big deal that Rick Perry called Social Security a Ponzi scheme, but could someone explain to me how in any way it’s not a Ponzi scheme? There are no actual investments in it, and if new people stopped paying into it, it would stop being able to pay out, i.e. it’s completely dependent on new investors to keep the image of stability making it a text book Ponzi scheme. The big difference between it and other Ponzi schemes is that the government forces you to pay into it, so it doesn’t matter if you know it’s a scam. And the big difference between politicians and Bernie Madoff is that Madoff probably had more respect for other people’s money.

* In more Rick Perry news (I’m guessing we’re going to see a lot of Rick Perry in the near future), he’s billed the federal government $349 million for the cost of Texas having to deal with illegal immigrants. But if everyone sues the government for incompetency, then soon it will be bankrupt and… actually then probably have the same or better in levels of competency. This is an idea we should run with.

* If you were thinking liberals might finally get in more touch with reality to be competitive in 2012, here’s Jonathan Alter with an article demanding people prove Obama’s been a bad president. I guess by his logic you’re a great president until proven incompetent or something. See, I would have thought the burden of proof would be on Obama that he’s actually ever done anything useful, but what do I know; I’m not a partisan nutjob. Anyway, I guess this will be their 2012 campaign slogan: “9% unemployment, skyrocketing debt, leadership that consists of repetitive, pointless speeches — but you can’t prove he’s a bad president!”

* Actually, here’s about as close as you will get to objective proof in these sort of matters: A comparison of Reaganomics and Obanomics. Both had inherited an economic mess, both had huge unemployment at about this time in their presidency, but one cut taxes while the other just spent and spent and spent and expanded government. And only one had GDP growth skyrocketing by reelection time. But those Keynesians sound so smart! They’re plans would totally work if we were attacked by space aliens.

* Inside of compound of Libyan leader Qdaffy, they found an album filled with photos of Condoleeza Rice. Everyone always thought Qdaffy was a weirdo, but it ends up he’s just like the rest of us.

* So far, the Obama administration hasn’t been seizing people’s guns like they feared — in fact, they’ve even given out guns to Mexican drug cartels — but now the Obama administration has started confiscating axes. The U.S. Justice Department raided Gibson, accusing it of having exotic wood, to which Gibson replied, “That’s what she said.” So Obama’s connecting with the young people by declaring war on rock & roll. Actually, does that pop garbage kids listen to even have guitars in them? KIDS THESE DAYS AND THEIR MUSIC!!!

* I finished reading the Hunger Games series at SarahK’s recommendation, and while I could nitpick it to death (so much important stuff was told instead of shown and why in a book about people fighting to the death was a stylist such a prominent character? Oh yeah; because it was written by a woman), it was overall very engrossing and I highly recommend it.

BTW, I’m trying to read more since it’s kind of silly that I’m trying to write scifi and fantasy but barely ever read any myself as an adult. What do you guys recommend in current fiction? I like stuff that’s fun and not so ponderous. For now, I’ve started John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War.

* Make sure you read my column that was posted on Pajamas Media yesterday. In it, I apply the Coolidge Test and see whether a sack of hammers would have performed better, worse, or about the same as Obama in the various challenges he’s faced. Not to reveal too much, but SACK OF HAMMERS 2012!!!

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Random Thoughts

Monday, August 29, 2011 8:44 am

So according to Jonathan Alter, you’re a great president until proven terrible? Anyone who supported Obama in 2008, though, is obviously not big on objective standards of competence.

I need a website called “One Word, Two Words, or Hyphenated.”

Get prepared for Irene right now. It’s a hurricane, not a procrastinate-cane.

C# doesn’t trust me enough to let me look at memory. Well, I don’t trust it which is why I want to look at memory.

It’s ironic how often “deferring to science” is used as an excuse to shut off one’s brain on an issue.

Always be listening to a song from the current year because you never know when what you’re doing will be the subject of a flashback.

You really should never get to attached to particular politician. In a smarter world, we’d never even give them names.

For a while, I wasn’t going to get the SNES because I thought I was too old for videogames. 20 years ago.

Why did I think I was too old for videogames at age 12? 12 year olds are so stupid.

Never was sure the left had coherent reasons behind their dislike of Christine O’Donnell. The right has reasons, though.

Can’t take anyone seriously who uses the phrase “free healthcare”… or beats up women.

My understanding is that you’re never supposed to go outside during a hurricane unless you’re holding a microphone.

Probably one of the deadliest hurricanes ever would be if one hit Omaha because they’d be super unprepared.

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Comparing Obama’s Performance to that of a Sack of Hammers

Sunday, August 28, 2011 10:20 am

In my new Pajamas Media column, I apply the Coolidge Test to Obama – compare whether a sack of hammers would have done better than him in the various problems he’s faced. You may be surprised by the results… but probably not.

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Unfair Comparisons

Saturday, August 27, 2011 4:47 pm

The Washington Post ran this side-by-side of Rick Perry and Obama:

and dismissed its very obvious point by saying that’s it’s not fair, because ANYBODY would look cool standing next to an Air Force jet plane.

Well, I suppose every rule has an exception:

But honestly, Obama even gets beat by Mitt Romney in a completely fair fight:

I’m just not buying the WaPo’s argument.

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The Week in Doug

Saturday, August 27, 2011 4:18 pm

From the audio files, I’m gonna start you out with what is quite possibly the best metaphor for Obama that I’ve heard:

1) Obama is like bad laundry soap (just listen to the clip, it’ll make sense)

2) “…Do you find yourself believing that Barack Obama believes in the inherent goodness of our nation? I see no evidence of that. Occasional lip-service, but he clearly detests much about our nation…”

3)“…Balance [in news reporting] itself is part of the problem for [liberals]. So when balance is presented, they go bonkers as if it’s far right or extreme… but it’s just balanced. So when they are confronted with it, it seems to them freakish…”

4) “…[Obama] began by creating uncertainty in the tax code. Now there is certainty there – which is he’s going to do the wrong thing…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “I realize perqs come with the job, don’t get me wrong, but Michelle’s attitude seems to be ‘the heck with the common people.’ She is America’s Imelda Marcos.”

2) “I think Obama hates Texas. Have you noticed how they keep trying to talk about Texas like it’s not part of the United States? It’s this theme in the media, they want you to think that Texas is somehow another planet like Mars, and you shouldn’t embrace Texas values.”

3) “Our creditors are done with us. They don’t trust our government’s spending addiction any more than you trust a crack addict to hold your paycheck.”

4) “Conservatives want things better. Liberals want things equal. You can’t have both, and equal is not better.”

5) “The United States government is a machine at which you throw a dollar, and ten cents comes back to you.”

6) “Climate change? Yes. The climate is changing every second the earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the sun.”

7) “Obama is the real beneficiary of the DC earthquake, because pushed off the front pages of the news are stories about him taking his ritzy vacation with the very same people who he feels don’t pay enough taxes.”

8) “Anyone who, like Jon Huntsman, is committed to this idea of man-made climate change actually has less credibility with me than members of the Flat Earth Society.”

9) “One day Maxine Waters is saying she’s ready to let Obama go, and a few days later she’s telling the Tea Party to go to hell. So I’m wondering what happened in those days in between, and was the head of a horse involved?”

10) “If you’re a conservative, liberals feel a need to be in your face in a way that they would never do if you were black or gay or a member of any other minority victim group. There is a very comfortable level of bigotry there.”

BONUS: Let’s get this rumor started:

“People are out there whispering that Jon Huntsman is the guy who may replace Joe Biden on the bottom half of the Obama ticket. Have you heard this? No? Ok, it’s just me doing the whispering, but it’s really too juicy of a rumor not to start.”

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We’ve become a nation of … kittens (or some similar word)

Friday, August 26, 2011 8:33 pm

Kittens.

They’re cute and cuddly and make great subjects for funny videos on YouTube. Plus, they taste like chicken.

Okay, I don’t know about that last part. But little kitties grow up to be mean old tomcats or pussycats.

Kittens, despite however cute they may be, are nothing little toms or little pussies.

And sometimes it seems like we’re becoming a nation of kittens. And it’s not cute.

For example, when I was in high school, back in the 1970s, high school teams would play football in the rain. On November 27, 1976, there was a game played in Albany where there was so much rain, one end of the field was unplayable. On one series, the official set the ball down for play, then walked away. The ball started to float off. The official stayed with the ball until the center approached from that point on.

Later in the game, a punted ball hit and didn’t bounce. It never touched the ground. It hit the water and bobbed.

No, I’m not making any of this up. I was at that game, and it was wet and miserable. And fun.

This week, though, in southeast Georgia, several high school teams moved their football games from Friday night (tonight) to Thursday night (last night).

Why? Because there’s a hurricane on track to hit North Carolina. And they don’t want to play in nasty weather.

What a bunch of kittens.

Back on September 21, 1989, with Hurricane Hugo bearing down on the Georgia/South Carolina coast, Statesboro’s Georgia Southern College (now University) hosted their first night game. It was windy and wet. Four inches of rain fell during the game. The rain was falling sideways. I was there, and it was absolutely fun.

Today, they wouldn’t play that game. Because people are a bunch of kittens.

We have too many kittens. They’re everywhere and making decisions for us.

We need to be able to play football in the rain.

Those kittens? They need to be spayed or neutered.

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Nuke the News: Here Comes the Wind and Rain

Friday, August 26, 2011 11:00 am

* The GDP has gone up — 1%! You may think that’s not very much, but it’s better than going down 1%. In fact, it’s two percent points better than going down one percent. Math is fun.

At this rate, we’ll climb out of this hole by… Well, I’m not sure we’re beating inflation. Still, the point is, you can’t have a recession with positive growth. So as long as the economy can cling to growth above 0%, Obama can campaign on “Only one huge recession under my watch.”

* A giant hurricane is headed to DC and New York City. They’re not used to that sort of thing, and since I’ve lived through three major hurricanes, I thought I’d give them some tips. First off, whatever you’re doing to incur God’s wrath, just stop it for a little while. Second, don’t make eye contact with the hurricane. Finally, remember that the most important thing about a hurricane is to have fun.

Anyway, here’s some old posts I did on hurricanes. Here’s a Know Thy Enemy post on hurricanes from over eight years ago (hmm, I guess I used to use language like that; what a little scamp I was). And here’s Hurricane preparedness tips from nearly six years ago. Wow; I bet my archives is full of junk like this.

* Someone in the military felt the need to write an editorial about how Rick Perry doesn’t speak for the military. There are a lot of people in the American military, so if your really look around, you’re going to find one or two liberals. I think the biggest tip off this is a knee-jerk liberal screed is this paragraph:

Please explain to me how a fourth-grade science teacher is less patriotic than a drill sergeant in Killeen, Texas. Or how a social worker who helps single mothers in East Los Angeles is less patriotic than a convoy driver in Baghdad. Please explain how a fire fighter in Boston is less qualified for political office only because she has not volunteered for military duty.

I guess to the first question, what does teaching science have to do with patriotism? To second, are we talking an ACORN type social work? To the last, notice how the theoretical Boston fire fighter had to be a she — probably because he didn’t know how to subtly throw in that the fire fighter is a handicapped minority.

Also, there’s this line: “I would like to ask Perry how strength, character and altruism are missing in the day-to-day work of a community organizer in Chicago.” Only a fringe element of the American public could say that sentence with a straight face.

Anyway, they point of the article is to downplay military service as a qualification for a politician. Of course, not very long ago, liberals were calling anyone not in the military on the Republican side a chickenhawk. They were also finding the few liberal military people they could and putting them as prominent as they could. In fact, in 2004, they did a whole campaign based on portraying John Kerry as a war hero (didn’t work out great). But now they have some guy trying to argue that working at the DMV is equivalent to a U.S. Marine risking his life for the country. Seems rather incoherent, which brings me to a point that should often be repeated: The left has no coherent political philosophy. Everything for them is based on “this is our side and that’s the other side we have to defeat”. So they’ll twist themselves in knots making something a virtue one day and a liability the next. Don’t be like them. Don’t give up your principles to argue for one politician and to downplay another because all politicians are idiots and just aren’t worth it.

And I thank Dan Futrell for his service. I don’t thank the science teacher.

* CERN has found out that cosmic rays are the biggest contributor to cloud formation and thus the largest factors in setting climate temperatures. And since the sun modulates cosmic rays, it’s the biggest factor in our climate. So basically, scientists spent years studying tiny particles to figure out that the giant nuclear furnace in the sky is the biggest effect on the earth’s temperature. Great job, scientists!

* Scientists have found a planet that is basically a giant diamond with five times the diameter of earth. How many carats is that? They say it’s about as massive as Jupiter which is 1.8986×10^27 kg, and a carat is 200 mg, so… about 9.8 nonillion carats. Yeah, that’s the name of an actual number. Math is fun.

This is the sort of news we need to get private exploration: There’s gold and diamonds out there! Of course, this planet is 4,000 light-years away, so we to find stuff closer… like on Mars or in the asteroid belt. Eventually we’ll mine all of space; it’s got to be filled with riches. And hopefully we’ll find life on other planets because that might mean those planets have oil. I just have a feeling we’ll be getting to Star Trek times and our warp drives we’ll be running on diesel while we say to ourselves, “Any day now, we’re going to perfect a renewable fuel source. Now let’s play laser tag with our phasers set to stun.”

* New Crowder video! Time to go green with Crazy Pete:

Them curly light bulbs are weird and scary.

* Friend of IMAO author Mike Z. Williamson has a short story available as free download from Baen if you’re looking for some weekend reading material.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Pandas seem kind of tired of fighting this whole extinction thing. We should probably hurry and take more photos.” -Tim Siedell

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Random Thoughts

Friday, August 26, 2011 8:56 am

If you were concerned you weren’t going to get gay married in the next Elder Scrolls game, don’t worry you can. Still unknown: Whether there will be a gay marriage option in the new Mario Kart 3DS.

As a kid, my favorite number was 101 because you could draw lines between the ones and the zero and make a Tie Fighter.

I’ve lived through three major hurricanes, and my advice: Make sure your Nintendo DS is charged.

Also, make sure your car has a full tank of gas so you can use the car charger to recharge your DS.

I’m resigned to Perry being a disappointing president… but still at least ten times better than Obama.

Am I the only one who’s suspicious that the zoo animals knew about the earthquake ahead of everyone else?

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Nuke the News: They Took Our Jobs!

Thursday, August 25, 2011 11:00 am

* So the big news: Steve Jobs has resigned. Apple was basically the one company doing well in the Obama economy, and now what’s going to happen to them? Are people going to want the next iPhone if it’s not Steve Jobs playing up its minor improvements but instead some other old guy in a black turtleneck? I can’t imagine they will. You’ll probably be able to buy one of those expensive Mac books soon for like $20 because why would hipsters want them anymore.

So how did Obama screw this up? I don’t know; we can just be pretty sure he did something stupid. We thought we were safe since he was busy golfing, but somehow he must of done something to get Steve Jobs to quit. That’s President Obama, always costing this country Jobs.

* Did you know that way back when, Barack Obama called Bush adding $4 trillion to the debt over eight years “unpatriotic”? Obama has added more than that in two and half years, so what’s the term for that? Terrorism? No; wait — terrorism is not wanting to spend more. Oh, this is so confusing; it’s like the left-wing are babbling partisan idiots with no coherent philosophy. I guess I’m just not understanding it.

* Apparently Cheney advised Bush to bomb Syria back in 2007. Cheney came to this conclusion when he realized Syria was in the Middle East.

* According to polls, Rick Perry is now the clear frontrunner among the GOP candidates, and the White House is already focusing on digging up as much dirt on Perry as they can. They even have an online form just for people to submit what they think is the worst part about Perry’s record. I’m going to fill it out:

I hate how arrogant and aloof he is while all his efforts have been so completely inept, just wasting taxpayer money while unemployment continues to rise.

…No wait; I was thinking of someone else.

* Marco Rubio said, “The free enterprise system has lifted more people out of poverty than all the government anti-poverty programs combined”, but isn’t that a bit like saying, “More lives have been saved by doctors than all the chimpanzees wielding scalpels combined.” If this is news to you that the brilliant people who create business and opportunity in this country have lifted up people more than idiot bureaucrats wasting other people’s money, you’re a moron.

* Scientists say 86% of the earth’s species are still unknown. I don’t know how you count stuff you don’t know about, but the scientists did. I wouldn’t worry much about it, though, because I’m pretty sure we know about all the interesting species already. The only things left are like, “Hey, look at this bug that is slightly different than this other bug. It’s a new bug.” and “Here’s a single cell organism marginally different than other single cell organism but still just as boring.” Oh, and don’t forget new species of plants; they’re not so much undiscovered as much as no one cared. Being dropped in the jungle and told to identify all the weeds has to be the sort of thing they only do to the science intern no one likes.

* IGN has a list of the top 25 funniest shows of all time. I felt kind of dumb when I got to their video for their number one choice and hadn’t figured it out by process of elimination. I really like Arrested Development, but I guess I never thought of it as a number one contender. The more obvious choice would be Seinfeld — the Beatles of sitcoms — or the Simpsons whose first ten seasons are one of the greatest things ever (and one the greatest influences on my own sense of humor). Arrested Development just felt like it never was on long enough to contend (though that certainly wasn’t it’s fault as funny as it was). Anyway, my favorite extant comedy right now is Community which will be entering it’s third season in the fall. What’s your favorite comedy?

* If you were concerned whether you’d be able to gay marry in the next Elder Scrolls game, don’t worry you can. I guess that makes sense, because if you’re playing a game about exploring a fantasy world and fighting dragons and are at all concerned about your marriage optiobs, you’re probably gay. I don’t remember getting any sort of married in the last two Elder Scrolls games, and I didn’t feel like anything was missing. I actually hate that sort of thing; I mean I’m fine with some love interest in the story in cinema scenes, but I hate how so many games now are expecting you to cultivate some relationship with some made up person in the middle of your fantasy or scifi game. That’s not what I play games for; it’s for the purity of killing bad things. But now they add relationships and then next was, “Just killing all the bad people is so thuggish; we’ll give you pacifist options and reward you for that.” And the the sissification of games continues. People will argue that gay marriage won’t ruin traditional marriage, but it’s at least going to ruin video games. Guess I’ll stick to Tetris in which there’s nothing there to PC-ify.

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Thursday, August 25, 2011 8:54 am

I assume the first person to calmly walk away while something exploded behind him was Calvin Coolidge.

Getting the Sports Night writing style: Character 1 says something. Character 2 repeats what Character 1 says. Character 1 repeats it again. Not sure if it’s stylish or if they’re just trying to pad 15 minutes of dialog into a half hour show.

Steve Jobs resigns? What did Obama do now?!

Sea salt is popular on food these days, but if we eat too much won’t we change the chemical composition of the ocean and kill all the fish?

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iQuit

Thursday, August 25, 2011 7:34 am

The world ended last night.

That’s right. Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple.

It’s not like Barack Obama resigned or anything. If that happened, Joe Biden would take over. That is, one incompetent would be replaced by another incompetent. So barely a blip would occur if Obama was gone.

But Steve Jobs? You know what this means, don’t you? Your iPods will all quit working now. Go try yours. I’ll wait.

See? A little sluggish, wasn’t it. And, when you put the songs on shuffle, that one song you really don’t like played, didn’t it? Know why? Because Steve Jobs quit.

And, if you bought in to the hype and switched from Windows to a Mac, you’re doomed. DOOMED!!

The next version of OS X won’t be like the the last few. Cheetah, Puma, Jaguar, Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Snow Leopard, and Lion? No more. The next one will be OS X LOLCAT. And, after that, OS X Snagglepuss.

That Apple TV you bought? Instead of streaming TV shows and movies from several studios, you’ll only get Current TV. Steve Jobs was the only thing standing between you and Apple board member Al Gore. Now, you’re screwed.

Your iPhone? It won’t make calls. It’ll be like you’re on AT&T or something.

And your iPad? Angry Birds doesn’t work any more.

Steve Jobs is no longer running Apple. He’s been replaced by a guy who went to Auburn. Auburn!

In no time, Apple will be only the second-most valuable company in the world.

Yes, your life has ended. I’m sure George Bush is to blame. Or global warming.

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Nuke the News: The Earth Moved

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 12:24 pm

* Obama’s approval ratings hit new lows in Gallup and Rasmussen polls. It seems kind of gratuitous to point out a new low for him since his last new low was only a few days ago, except it’s just fun to point out when his popularity has sunk even further and say, “Haw! Haw!”

Obama campaigned on hope and change, but it kind of seems like all that hope people had in Obama during his campaign has pretty much disappeared. People still really want change, though — maybe even more so than before. Maybe a Republican can run on the change platform but combine it with something other than hope.

“Change and Hippie Punching”

* There was an earthquake in Virginia. Just a small one, though. I mean, when the earth starts rumbling there, you’d expect all of DC to be swallowed up into the earth, but it’s not God’s job to solve all our earthly problems.

Where was Obama during all this? On a golf course, of course. They told him about it immediately, to which he responded, “Shut up; I’m putting!”

* Pretty much everyone was happy the quake was minor… except for New York Times columnist Paul Krugman who wrote on Google+:

“People on twitter might be joking, but in all seriousness, we would see a bigger boost in spending and hence economic growth if the earthquake had done more damage.”

This is what’s called the “broken window fallacy” — a broken window stimulates the economy by giving work to the glass maker, so to really stimulate the economy you could send people around purposefully breaking windows. It’s pretty elementary how that’s a stupid theory, but apparently it’s beyond the understanding of a Nobel Prize-winning economist. It makes you wonder if that was the real Nobel Prize in Economics he won or if that’s just what they call the reward for successfully balancing your own checkbook while living in the mental ward.

It’s so dumb, I’m almost convinced it’s a hoax (and I notice Krugman’s Google+ profile has disappeared and here’s someone other than Krugman claiming he created it), but right after 9/11 he wrote about how that might stimulate the economy. Plus he recently blogged about how a space alien invasion would be an economic boon. With this and Friedman’s Chinese dictatorship love and Dowd’s… whatever in the world it is that she does, it’s like the New York Times set out to make a Mos Eisley Cantina of op-ed columnists.

* According to a Rasmussen poll, large majorities of Americans believe illegal aliens shouldn’t be allowed in public school, shouldn’t get free tuition for college, or be able to get a driver’s license. When explaining their reasoning, people said, “Because THEY’RE ILLEGAL ALIENS!”

This is one of those areas where the left likes to pretend there’s a big debate, but to the average person it’s like asking, “Should we lock up murderers?” — something they wouldn’t even think there was anything to debate about. Still, there are those who argue that Republicans need to take a softer line on this to appeal to Latino voters — since all Latinos are for breaking the law, as pro-amnesty Republicans seem to think — but my guess is if we give up on common sense for electoral gain, that will probably not work out for the best in the end.

* Even while Obama is on vacation, the debt is growing $2.95 million a minute. So that’s how successful Obama has been; the government can swell in size beyond belief even while he’s out golfing.

Here’s a new fun game: While Obama is giving speeches about the need for a “balanced approach” we can calculate exactly how much the debt grows while he does nothing but talk. A single “Let me be clear” costs $98,000.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Why does Facebook target me with ads for nude beaches in Toronto when I’ve lived my life in such a way as to avoid both nudity and Canada?” -Michael J. Nelson

* I mentioned I’m working on a novel before — and that still is my dream, to become a novelist — but a new writing project has come up, so the novel is on the back burner for now. I’m writing non-fiction — well, as non-fiction as my writing usually is — and this time I already have a publisher signed on. I’ll tell you more soon; be excited!

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 8:44 am

Obama inherited his problems from Bush, and being a good steward, he’s preserved his inheritance for future generations.

I didn’t feel the earthquake because it happened while I jumped in the air.

Earthquake felt in NYC and DC. If you felt tremors in NJ, that was just because Chris Christie tripped.

I remember Science! predicting there’d be earthquakes.

If there’s a bomb threat at the NYT headquarters, don’t worry; that’s Krugman trying to help them out financially.

Actually, Krugman would make a great Bond villain. “I’m just trying to help the world’s finances… one mushroom cloud at a time!”

Giving the Nobel Prize in Economics to Paul Krugman is starting to seem like the equivalent of giving the Nobel Peace Prize to Arafat.

Now it makes sense that Krugman sent something labeled “My economic plan” to Obama and it was the first season of The Walking Dead.

So NYT editorial staff: Guy in love with Chinese dictatorship, economist who doesn’t understand the broken window fallacy, and… Dowd.

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