iQuit

The world ended last night.

That’s right. Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple.

It’s not like Barack Obama resigned or anything. If that happened, Joe Biden would take over. That is, one incompetent would be replaced by another incompetent. So barely a blip would occur if Obama was gone.

But Steve Jobs? You know what this means, don’t you? Your iPods will all quit working now. Go try yours. I’ll wait.

See? A little sluggish, wasn’t it. And, when you put the songs on shuffle, that one song you really don’t like played, didn’t it? Know why? Because Steve Jobs quit.

And, if you bought in to the hype and switched from Windows to a Mac, you’re doomed. DOOMED!!

The next version of OS X won’t be like the the last few. Cheetah, Puma, Jaguar, Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Snow Leopard, and Lion? No more. The next one will be OS X LOLCAT. And, after that, OS X Snagglepuss.

That Apple TV you bought? Instead of streaming TV shows and movies from several studios, you’ll only get Current TV. Steve Jobs was the only thing standing between you and Apple board member Al Gore. Now, you’re screwed.

Your iPhone? It won’t make calls. It’ll be like you’re on AT&T or something.

And your iPad? Angry Birds doesn’t work any more.

Steve Jobs is no longer running Apple. He’s been replaced by a guy who went to Auburn. Auburn!

In no time, Apple will be only the second-most valuable company in the world.

Yes, your life has ended. I’m sure George Bush is to blame. Or global warming.

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23 Comments

  1. New CEO is good, but just as you get used to him, Apple is going to have a really, super awesome CEO take over that’s like a gazillion times better with more features in 18 months.

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  2. So that’s why Angry Birds just released its final chapter.

    OS X Snagglepuss would indeed be a horror. I was hoping for OS X Kimba, but I blame the Japanese earthquake for scuttling that. I just hope no Thundercats get involved. I’m too old for Thundercats.

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  3. Steve Balmer is so happy about Jobs leaving that he went around and picked-up all the chairs that he threw at Microsoft.

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  4. “Your iPhone? It won’t make calls. It’ll be like you’re on AT&T or something.”

    So nothing is going to change then.

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  5. So, will “OS X DamnCat” will have a screen saver of Tuna swimming around? And, if you touch the screen, a game called “Angry Tuna” starts that bites-off your fingers? And do you win by catching the tuna before your fingers are bitten-off? Oh, gee, I so want one.

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  6. As a techie who hates Apple’s closed source, secrecy, intimidation, lack of user control, privacy violations, left-wing agenda, and hordes of hipster fanboys, let me be the first to say: HAW HAW!

    I respect Steve Jobs for how successful he has been at running Apple, but I hate the company. (They do have very nice packaging and aescetic appeal, though.)

    And I loved OS X Snagglepuss and LOLCAT. Good stuff, Basil.

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  7. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » Nuke the News: They Took Our Jobs!

  8. OS X DamnCat will only work occasionally, at the times you don’t really need it to, and when you do want to interact with it, it will be uninterested and not cooperate.

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  9. As a techy, who hates Microsoft crap bug filled releases of their product and terrible (“Hello, this is Peggy”) service, I am personally blaming this one on Obama!!! And, we are DOOMED!!! No more totally cool stuff for Microsoft, Blackberry, Dell etc. to rip-off and copy for their apps! DOOMED!!! Technology is now stuck!!! This is it! It is the end of the end! There will never be another innovation to Hardware or Software…ever! It’s a sad day…

    Unless they name their new OS ussjimmycarter, then it will like totally rock!

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  10. @ussjimmy: As a technology agnostic, I’d say that Jobs’ resignation might give hope for Apple hardware that is not plagued with hardware problems. Mebbe they’ll figgur out how not to make self-melting batteries. Perhaps they’ll incorporate removable batteries into their iPhones, iPads and iPods. That’d be some fantastic innovation. Mebbe they’ll get past the “not invented here” syndrome and incorporate a two button mouse with a wheel as standard equipment. Mebbe their fans will get past the “It’s an Apple, so it’s cool, so I won’t complain about hardware faults.”

    Nah, nothing will change, except that all of you are wrong about their next OS release. It will be OS XXXII Ghey.

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  11. you’ll only get Current TV. Steve Jobs was the only thing standing between you and Apple board memberAl Gore. Now, you’re screwed.

    I always knew Apple had a worm in it!!111!!

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  12. I’ve been running Snagglepuss for a few months now. It works great except when the cursor decides to exit stage left.

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  13. Pingback: WyBlog - My Weekly Obama Jobs Report, the Steve Jobs laid himself off edition

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