Nuke the News: Stealth Boats, Grizzly Bears, and Who’s the Dummy
* Obama has a new jobs plan he says he thinks could add up to one million new jobs. When asked why didn’t he unveil this plan sooner then, Obama said, “Because I didn’t think people could handle that many awesome jobs.” And when asked if these would be those invisible type jobs where he says he added them but the unemployment rate doesn’t go down, Obama said, “Hey! Some people would be happy for magic jobs!”
When Obama calls presses conferences to announce stuff, the reporters need to just stop showing up. We really have to stop encouraging him.
* Rick Perry is already responding to the dumb charges against him of being dumb with the obvious response: Pointing to Obama and his performance with the economy and wondering if that’s supposed to be the benchmark for smart. Do people really think the vague charges of dumb are going to work against a Republican when there is stark evidence of dumb for Obama?
“Wow, that Republican is a drooling moron.”
“Well, I believe he had a spike that went through his head and took out a quarter of his brain.”
“He’s barely coherent.”
“Yeah, I even saw him trying to eat a book.”
“He should be at least ten times better a president than Obama, though.”
“Oh, yes; indisputably.”
* So Canada is getting oil from tar sands. I don’t know what that means, but it’s got a lot of protesters so it must be extremely useful to society while being fairly innocuous to the environment. And the Canadians are striking back in an ad campaign, pointing out that if we get oil from Saudi Arabia, we fund oppression of women, but if we get oil from Canadian tar sands, all we fund is weird hockey obsessions. So there’s the choice: Do we help stop oppression of people by moving away from Saudi oil or do we stop… whatever bad thing whiny actors think getting oil from the tar sands is supposed to cause. I’m going to vote we do the thing that helps people. And gives us more oil.
* BTW, Vice President Biden has said that failing to invest in clean-energy technology would be “the biggest mistake this nation has made in its entire history”. Hmm… can you think of any other big mistake in American history? Martin Luther King, can you think of anything? No, I guess we’ve got a pretty good record, so not working on clean-energy would certainly be our biggest mistake.
Rick Perry sure is dumb.
* So some supposed election expert is predicting Obama has the election in the bag. Apparently, he’s predicted every election since 1984 using his formula. He has thirteen keys, and if a candidate gets six of them, that candidate wins. It’s really stupid. For one thing, every keys is equal, so huge unemployment, huge debt, and the S&P downgrade are just one strike against Obama of equal weight to him not being contested in his own primary. And for some reason he wins the key “Major domestic-policy changes in his first term” despite everyone hating all his major policies.
Now, I don’t usually try to do political predictions because I consider that witchcraft, but maybe I’ll make my own list of keys. A candidate needs to score well on these to ensure reelection:
- Doesn’t keep interrupting prime time TV to say nothing of interest to anyone.
- Has at least some idea what he’s doing.
- Doesn’t spend half the day with a bucket stuck on his head.
- Can pronounce “corpsman”.
- Doesn’t keep claiming to pivot to jobs eighty times while doing nothing useful.
- Doesn’t have giant Dumbo ears.
Ooh. Not looking so good for Obama on these points. Science!
* The Navy is working on a new stealth boat. I e-mailed Aquaman for comment, and here’s his response:
Bah! I mock and deride their “stealth” boat. No matter what people do to try and hide, my fish friends will find you and tell me about you. And then I’ll call the appropriate authority to handle you, as boats aren’t really my thing. I deal with things underwater, not above water. Though I also don’t deal with submarines; I consider those like an embassy of above waterness, so they’re also out of my purview. But if an octopus is robbing someone, I’m there.
That’s what I think of the Navy’s stealth boat.
* So the federal government is going after a guy who shot and killed a grizzly bear to protect his family. The state officials — and anyone who isn’t a heartless bureaucrat — thought the shooting was completely justified; you know a bear — on someone’s property near children — that’s the sort of thing a sensible person shoots. But the federal government, so concerned for our safety and wisely spending our money, has decided to pursue this case so society doesn’t break out into a fit of bear-murder. So, the Obama administration is not going to worry about illegal immigrants, but try and protect your family from a wild animal and they’re all over stopping that.
Never trusted bears, anyway. Their diet is mainly berries and fish, and yet they’re these giant killing machines. What is up with that? And am I now going to get a knock on my door from the feds for asking these questions? They’re not on our side; they’re on the side of the bears.
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August 31st, 2011 at 12:05 pm
He should have just skinned the bear, saved the pelt and frozen the meat. All with his mouth zipped.
August 31st, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Breaking up nuke the news into smaller posts would make it better.
August 31st, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Maybe Obama is trying to firm up his base for 2012. Since most that oppose him believe in the right to bear arms, the government may be trying to arm bears, foolishly thinking this is protected by the 2nd Ammendment to the Living Document.
August 31st, 2011 at 12:27 pm
Also I suppose I should speak up for the Bears. Sometimes being a giant killing machine with blueberry scented breath helps attract the babes.
August 31st, 2011 at 12:27 pm
ROCK-quaman would have no problem with killing a grizzly that threatened the free citizens of Atlantis. Remember, he’s not just a superhero, he’s not just some guy named Arthur Curry–he’s also a king, baby!
August 31st, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Obama, being from Chicago (at least that’s his previous home of record), only knows or cares about the Chicago Bears, and assumes that anyone mentioning ‘bears’ is talking about the aforementioned crappy NFL team. I’m not surprised at his reaction to defend them, considering the average intelligence of a bears fan, and taking into account that we’re talking about Obama here.
Wait till he hears what happens on Sun, 09/25 at 3:15 PM CDT
August 31st, 2011 at 12:31 pm
“Obama has a new jobs plan he says he thinks could add up to one million new jobs.”
Michelle already has over 40 assistants and she still looks like crap. A million would really just be overkill.
August 31st, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Of those million jobs, how many will be created in Texas?
August 31st, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Did the guy shoot Yogi or Booboo? I always liked them growing up! If we take away our right to bear arms, only bears will have arms and that will like not be good or something… Obama said the nation had a “heart attack”… Dr. Barry charged the paddles to 14 Trillion Volts and THWAP he was standing there with his Weiner blowing in the wind…
August 31st, 2011 at 2:09 pm
The bear was forced out of his natural habitat and into this man’s yard because of GLOBAL WARMING! Shooting it was the equivalent of an act of RACISM!!! Bitter, gun-clinging, Bible-banging, tea-bagging RACISM!!!! (Clutches pearls.) (Faux pearls, of course. Real pearls require the MURDER of oysters.) (Well, OK, polished rocks, since faux pearls are made from plastic and that is derived from evil petroleum.) (Well, OK, unpolished rocks, since polishing requires energy and pollutes the water with grit.) (Well, wait a minute, electrical energy is free and non-polluting, right? That is why electric cars are great and gasoline-burning cars are Satan’s tools. Well, not that Satan is real or anything. And grit is natural, and belongs in water. So, polished rocks it is. Anyway, my point is, that man is an evil RACIST!!! and I am not, because I BELIEVE in global warming (testify!) and I make minor, symbolic lifestyle changes to prove it. So there!)
August 31st, 2011 at 2:31 pm
In other news, California is making it illegal to hire nannies and babysitters without providing them benefits. I checked the link, and at first thought the URL was TheOnion but it does, in fact, seem to be a legit story.
From the story:
(bold added)
So, what this means is that, to get around the law, households who want to avoid the “Nanny” state (sorry, couldn’t help myself) will just hire lots of kids under 18 to watch their kids and babies. Not only will this leave all the responsible nannies over 18 out of jobs, it will put babies and younguns under the watchful eyes of high school kids who are focused like a laser beam on
textingmaking out with their boyfriendshomework.But not to worry. If mom and dad come home from a night at the opera to discover their adorable toddler trying to shove forks into power outlets, there is one benefit from this “employ child labor” loophole in AB 889: they should at least have a clean chimney.
August 31st, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Crabby…you pretty much have the Tripe Factor nailed!
August 31st, 2011 at 3:08 pm
The biggest mistake Jefferson Davis ever made was not funding alternative energy. It is indisputable.
August 31st, 2011 at 3:55 pm
I already pay for my Swedish au pair’s birth control pills and penicillan shots. What more do they want?
August 31st, 2011 at 4:07 pm
The biggest mistake this nation ever made was falling for the Industrial Revolution crap! Then we followed with EVIL oil. First from Whales (oh the humanity) then from Mother Earth (OH THE HUMANITY)!!! Had we said no back when the Industrial Revolution was just kicking off (like 1960 or something) and gone with Green Jobs, we’d like rock right now!!! Just think…No EVIL Apple, Microsoft, Drug Companies, CAR Companies, Light Bulb Manufacturers, etc. etc. etc.!!! I’d personally like to be the Village Idiot hired to entertain the Lords and Ladies with my mirth and wit! I’d obviously entertain the Ladies on the side…if you know what I’m sayin…
August 31st, 2011 at 4:39 pm
Crabby Old Bat: I fell onto the floor laughing my guts out with spasms of hysteria. OK, I was laughing at your comment and I tripped. OK, I didn’t trip, but momentarily lost my balance in joviality. Ok, I cackled a couple of times. OK, I was sitting down and snorted. OK, it was a light guffaw. OK, I chuckled a bit. OK, I went “heh.”
August 31st, 2011 at 6:19 pm
So is this dude who shot the bear getting a trial by jury? If so, I suggest his lawyer just release a grizzly in the courtroom as exhibit A and inform everyone right before doing so that they are not allowed to defend themselves at all if attacked.
August 31st, 2011 at 6:19 pm
So is this dude who shot the bear getting a trial by jury? If so, I suggest his lawyer just release a grizzly in the courtroom as exhibit A and inform everyone right before doing so that they are not allowed to defend themselves at all if attacked.
August 31st, 2011 at 6:19 pm
So is this dude who shot the bear getting a trial by jury? If so, I suggest his lawyer just release a grizzly in the courtroom as exhibit A and inform everyone right before doing so that they are not allowed to defend themselves at all if attacked.
August 31st, 2011 at 6:22 pm
The Michigan man found dead last week, killed by a grizzly bear while hiking through Yellowstone National Park, died while visiting a place he loved, his family told ABC News.
Hikers found his body by itself, surrounded by bear tracks. An autopsy concluded he died from injuries sustained in a bear attack.
Wildlife agents are now trying to capture the bear. On Monday, they began setting traps, and they plan to kill the animal if they can establish through DNA analysis that it was the same bear that killed Wallace.
So, I guess he should have waited till it killed one of his kids, THEN shot it.
wow….. liberalism IS a mental disorder
August 31st, 2011 at 7:11 pm
Quandry for the Obama administration: if the man had instead whapped the protected bear across the snout with a contraband Gibson guitar made of questionable wood, breaking the instrument into pieces, would they prosecute the man or reward him?
September 1st, 2011 at 12:09 am
Razor, maybe instead of being violent with bears – instead of being bear war-mongers – maybe we could sit down and have a conversation with them. Maybe then we’d be more respected by our friends and neighbors in the bear community.
September 1st, 2011 at 1:47 am
Maybe what we need is for BO to lead us in a White House bear summit…with Joe B. serving of course. Can’t we all just get along?
September 1st, 2011 at 2:14 am
So is there like a triple dumb ass award for triple posting on IMAO? Just wondering… I know you guys would NEVER say anything if I did that…
September 1st, 2011 at 6:33 am
Obama can’t be dumb if they’re willing to show us his college transcripts!
September 1st, 2011 at 8:19 am
You are correct to not trust bears, because, like John Kerry they are GIANT WEASELS! No, honestly, compare the pictures, they’ve got to be in some taxonomic group.
September 1st, 2011 at 9:36 am
Instead of shooting bears, we should trap them and then let them loose in the nearest Federal Fish and Wildlife office to prove that they were unharmed.
September 1st, 2011 at 10:39 am
CarolynthePregnant: why do bears hate us?
FormerHostage: letting bears loose in the Fed Fish and Wildlife office would toughen them up, much like letting a cougar sit with Ricky Bobby in the driver’s seat.
September 2nd, 2011 at 12:14 am
Did the guy yell “It’s coming right for us!!!” first?
Or does that only work in South Park?