Archive for September, 2011

Nuke the News: Blame and Guns

Friday, September 30, 2011 11:00 am

* Pajamas Media has up a new column from me on what we can try and do to make Obama like us so he’ll stop trying to destroy us. Read and enjoy!

* Good news, Joe Biden, the most helpful ally one can have, says it’s totally legitimate to make the presidential election a referendum on the economy. So, in deciding whether to reelect Obama and Biden, let’s first take a look at the economy…

GAH! It’s horrible! I can’t look anymore! Keep it away!

So, if you want four more years of that, you know who to vote for. And you’re a terrorist.

* Gun sales have been going up the past few years while gun crime has been going down. Of course, the media is putting this out as “despite an increase in gun sales, gun crime is decreasing”… even though we know that’s an idiotic statement.

Guns are one of those scary freedoms that makes a lot of people nervous. We end up better as a nation when we embrace such freedoms, but doing so makes some people scared and they want that freedom gone even if it is for everyone’s benefit. For those people, point north. That’s where Canada is.

Also, there’s a new book out, Chicks with Guns, celebrating the 15 million to 20 million women in America who own firearms. If you want to be a true feminist, you need to own a gun.

* New Crowder video. He and Michelle Obama are going to make you fit!

I find having to constantly lift and carry a small child also helps keep you fit.

* Going to cut this one short today, as I got woken up by both the baby and work last night. Anyway, watch Boise State get their revenge on Nevada tomorrow. REVENGE!

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Random Thoughts

Friday, September 30, 2011 8:51 am

An announcement that Chris Christie is running should ape the scene from Jurassic Park with the glass of water.

Anyone notice that Chris Christie is a tad overweight? I bet if he runs, that will be useful for a joke or two.

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Nuke the News: Obama Knows Nothing About Taxes and Lying Magnets

Thursday, September 29, 2011 11:00 am

* Good news. Apparently Obama has no idea what people pay in taxes. He said he pays a lower tax rate than a teacher, which isn’t even close to being true. Of course, as we all know from people like Timothy Geithner, these people don’t even pay taxes — that’s for lesser people. And the exact rate is inconsequential anyway; all they know is it needs to be higher no matter what it is.

Of course, I’m for making sucky politicians pay 100% tax rate. You mess up the country like this, you should beg on the streets for the rest of your life. It’s only fair — and don’t they like “fairness”?

* Rick Perry sorta apologized for calling people “heartless” who oppose subsidizing illegal immigrants going to college. Yeah, we just love that. The country is going bankrupt, but we’re heartless for not wanting to help pay people here illegally to have the huge privilege of going to college. And how many hundreds of thousands am I going to need to save up to send Buttercup to college in eighteen years? How about we have illegal aliens work to pay off our student loans first, and then maybe our hearts will warm to them.

* Most Americans are opposed to giving the Palestinians their own state. I guess we need another terror sponsoring state like we need another hole in a destroyer.

Can’t we compromise and give them their own island somewhere… one they can’t get off of?

* A terrorist was plotting to hit the Pentagon with bomb-laden remote control planes when the FBI got him. I remember after 9/11 how sure we were there would be more terror attacks because it just seemed so easy: Just put a bomb in a shopping mall or even just run into a crowded area and start shooting. But instead the terrorists seem to be focusing on all these convoluted plots they can’t pull off because I guess they think that’s what they’re supposed to do. Finally a benefit of Hollywood misleading people.

* Scientists have found that magnets can make people lie. Well, there’s a great new excuse for someone caught in lie. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to lie to you honey, but… I was near refrigerator magnets.”

Magnets: We don’t know how the @#$% they work, but they’ll help us make up an explanation.

* Amazon has unveiled its own tablet PC, the Kindle Fire, and it’s only $199 — $300 less than cheapest iPad. They also have new eInk Kindles with touch screens and they start under a hundred. It was only a couple years ago SarahK bought her Kindle 2 for nearly $400. Don’t you love capitalism? Socialism has not and will not give you cheap, shiny new devices to play with.

Also, since there is now a full color screen to work with on the Kindle Fire, graphic novels are going to start coming to Kindle. And I was getting so used to reading books without pictures (based on recommendations, I’m currently reading Mistborn and quite enjoying it).

Anyway, make sure you have a nice device for reading my ebook when it comes out in November (though worse comes to worst, Amazon has a in-browser e-reader that can be used by anything that can access a website — so no excuses!).

* Along with DC comics’ big reboot, there’s a new Aquaman series which had its first issue come out yesterday — and IGN gave it a 9.0 (out of 10, not 100 — really). I haven’t read it yet; like all of DC’s new comics, it’s available the same day as print on the iPad, but I’m just pretty averse to paying $3 for a digital comic. You can’t ask print price for digital; just doesn’t work.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Rick Perry supporting in-state tuition for illegals is a lot less ridiculous than Romney’s claim that there’s nothing wrong with SS.” -Keder

* Here’s one of the best examples of real-life imitating the Onion. Here’s one of my favorite Onion videos:


9/11 Conspiracy Theories ‘Ridiculous,’ Al Qaeda Says

And now Al Qaeda is chastising Ahmadinejad for implying they weren’t behind the 9/11 attack.

And this is why satire is so hard.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, September 29, 2011 9:11 am

Was doing volunteer work for my job and was the only one who found it hilarious that the guy from Parks and Rec telling us what to do is named Jerry.

Ooh! With the new Kindle Fire, it looks like they’re going to start doing Kindle editions of graphic novels!

I’ve tried alfalfa and it was okay. What are the other available falfas?

I have a slogan for alfalfa: “The Alpha of Falfas”

I have no idea what alfalfa is.

New Girl is so generic in setup I feel kind of guilty enjoying it so much.

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Cain sounds like one of you people

Wednesday, September 28, 2011 7:07 pm

Disclosure: I have financially contributed to the Herman Cain campaign.

There’s a minor kerfuffle going on about something that Herman Cain said. It’s widely reported that he said he couldn’t support Rick Perry as the Republican nominee:

[Edited: The previous video no longer allows embedding. So, here is the original excerpt from CNN. The quote begins immediately after the commercial.]


[Direct link]

Yep. That’s what he said. And that bothers me.

You see, I’ve been going on and on about how, no matter who the GOP nominee is, we need to support him. And some of you get your panties all in a wad about that.

“I’m not ever going to support Mitt Romney!”

“I won’t vote for Rick Perry!”

“If Sarah Palin isn’t the nominee, I’m not voting!”

“If Sarah Palin is the nominee, I’m not voting!”

“Ron Paul is nuts!”

Okay, that last one is okay. But still, nuts as he is, he’d a darn sight better than Barack Obama. But some of you are saying you won’t support this guy or that girl. Well, now Herman Cain sounds a lot like some of you people. Maybe he’s pandering to the panties-in-a-wad crowd.

I don’t care for that. I suspect Cain will backtrack, and soon. He’ll come up with some statement that sounds like some crafted statement talking about how we can disagree about important issues, but still have the same overriding goal: defeat Barack Obama and return competence to the White House.

But what should he say? Or, better, what should he have said to Wolf Blitzer’s question, “Could you support Rick Perry if he were the nominee?”

  • Against Obama? Of course. Hell, Wolf, I’d support you over Barack Obama.
  • I fully support Rick Perry for vice-president.
  • I would support Rick Perry if Zombie Reagan turned down the nomination.
  • Nine, nine, nine.
  • Not if he was the Democrat nominee. Has he switched back to being a Democrat?
  • That’s a stupid question, Wolf. What do you think I’m going to say? That I wouldn’t support Rick Perry? Do you think I’m stupid?

What do you think Herman Cain should have said?

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Nuke the News: Meddlesome Democracy!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011 11:00 am

* Chris Christie gave a speech yesterday and it was important because maybe he was going to enter the presidential race but then he didn’t and so I’m not sure why everyone is still talking about him. He is a very large man.

Also, isn’t Palin supposed to say firmly whether she is or is not running by the end of this month? Times almost up!

And maybe there will still be a special guest star who will jump in the race. I’m crossing my fingers for Mr. T!

* North Carolina governor Bev Perdue suggested we suspend democracy to help get things done. If you ever need a good example of fascism, you just need to let a liberal talk long enough uninterrupted. The left hates democracy; they’re just usually smart enough never express that. Think about it: They see themselves as this smart elite, so the masses are just these people in the way of getting things done. So why would they want to give regular people a say in important things like government?

Of course, I don’t really like democracy either — just from a different perspective. I don’t think 51% of people should be able to vote to rob the other 49%. I think people should be able to make their own choices and democracy used in as little areas as possible. The left, on the other hand, would rather get rid of democracy entirely and rob the 99% with no one getting a say. For “fairness.”

* I just like the headline to this article: “Obama aide Axelrod acknowledges hurdles to president’s reelection”. Like him being horrible at the job?

Good acknowledging there, Axelrod!

* So 20,000 surface to air missiles are missing in Libya. Let’s not panic, though; it doesn’t mean they ended up in the hands of terrorists. They could just be misplaced.

Oh, found one in the couch cushions. So only 19,999 missiles are missing.

And there’s another. Apparently the dog took it and was chewing on it. So now only 19,998 missing. I’m sure we’ll find the rest. Might want to stay out of the air until then, though.

* Andy Rooney is finally leaving 60 Minutes. He was an old guy who complained about unimportant things. There are lots of old people who complain about unimportant things, though, so I don’t know why we needed a designated one on TV. Of course, I’m a young guy who complains about unimportant things, but I do it on my blog. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate clamshell packaging?

* In Amanda Knox’s murder trial, her lawyer likened her to Jessica Rabbit saying she’s not bad, “she’s just drawn that way.” Is that really an appropriate reference? I mean, Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a pretty popular movie, but it came out twenty-three years ago. So is that a reference everyone is going to get when you use it in your murder trial? In Italy?

Just saying maybe he should have come up with an Inception reference. Nah, people probably wouldn’t have understood it.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Breaking News: Chrisitie will not run for president until they take ‘run’ out of the equation.” -Albert Brooks [“Because he’s fat.” -Ed.]

* Here’s the cover to my ebook coming out in November:

You may wonder why an ebook needs a cover. It’s so people can judge it.

Anyway, are you excited? I’m excited. Actually, I don’t care if you’re excited; just have money ready.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, September 28, 2011 9:00 am

Do you think it depresses Romney how much the Republican base hates him and obviously wants someone else to vote for? I mean, we’ll all vote for him, but we’ve made it so obvious we really don’t want to.

Are we going to really want to elect someone like Chris Christie who keep lying about how he’s not going to run?

I don’t know her odds, but Palin replacing Obama would be HIGH-larious.

Most people don’t think Obama is going to resign, but have we tried offering him a generous severance package?

We need a Andy Rooney for the new generation who, instead of complaining about stupid stuff, likes stupid stuff ironically.

First thing new Andy Rooney could like ironically: Old Andy Rooney.

Just talked to Christie’s barber. Says last time Christie got a haircut, he asked that it be “presidential-looking.”

Andy Rooney’s replacement should be Norm MacDonald.

My book will be an ebook. That means it comes with a tab of e to help with reading enjoyment.

I’m just kidding. Kids, don’t do drugs. You’re not cool enough.

Chris Christie: “I started to fill out the form to join the presidential race, BUT THEN I ATED IT!”

So how does conservative enthusiasm for Chris Christie fit with the epistemic closure meme?

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Racist Reality … Fixed!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011 10:53 pm

Reality is racist. Just so you know.

Recently, the president gave a speech before the Congressional Black Caucus, and, as he is wont to do, he slipped into his “Hey-I’m-Black-Too” dialect. And, the Associated Press reported the actual words he used, as he used them:

Stop complainin’. Stop grumblin’. Stop cryin’.

And, for reporting what happened, the AP was accused of being racist by Karen Hunter on MSNBC:

Hunter called the AP’s version “inherently racist,” sparring with New Republic contributing editor and noted linguistics expert John McWhorter, who argued the g-less version “is actually the correct one,” noting that the president’s victory in the 2008 election was due, in part, to how effortlessly “he can switch into that [black] dialect.”

To follow Hunter’s demands to their conclusion, as Jeff Goldstein put it:

…they are now charged with re-writing history to protect the speaker from himself, lest they be charged with transcribing reality, once considered the most neutral of all activities (at least in intent and aim), an activity that now carries with it the charge of “inherent racism” if the reality being transcribed belongs to blacks, and non-blacks or inauthentic blacks are doing the transcribing.

Presumably, Ms Hunter, if pressed, might have to extend the argument to audio clips that capture the dropping of the g’s — themselves a secondhand recording of reality that have not been “corrected” of their “inherent racism.”

So, now that we know that reality is racist and we must protect ourselves from it, we present the video of the president’s actual words, not as said, but as they must be to remove the charge of racism:


[Direct link]

Liberals have been living outside reality for a long, long time. Now, they want us to live outside it, too.

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lolterizt! Part 141

Tuesday, September 27, 2011 8:20 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Kris:

From Kris:

[NOTE: only the hats were ‘shopped]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[Original]

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Brian The Adequate:

[reference link]

From Brian The Adequate:

[reference link]

From James:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: More Christie Speculation, Cain-mentum, and Angering the Science Gods

Tuesday, September 27, 2011 11:00 am

* Chris Christie speculation is in full force again thanks to dissatisfaction with the frontrunners. He’s pretty liberal on a number of issues, but he’s full force on cutting spending which is the big issue of the day and maybe all that matters to primary voters. Plus, he’ll probably be too busy stuffing his face with fistfuls of bacon to pursue a liberal agenda (he’s fat).

Of course, Christie keeps denying he’s getting into the race. In fact, his exact words were, “I am absolutely against running for president, and are you going to eat that?” But despite all the denials, people keep speculating because they want a strong candidate to believe in. And despite the fact that the waiter had just set down my steak dinner in front of me so it was pretty obvious I was going to eat that, Christie grabbed my rib eye right off my plate.

* New Zogby poll says that Herman Cain is now the frontrunner with 28% of the vote to Perry’s 18% and Romney’s 17%. The only thing: It’s a Zogby poll. Still, I want to believe.

* Herman Cain is claiming he can win at least a third of the black vote. Wouldn’t that basically be the end of the Democrat Party? Whites are leaving them in droves, so they can’t lose minorities too. If that starts to happen, expect to see desperation like we’ve never seen before from the left (and we pretty much see nothing but desperation from them all the time). If Herman Cain is our nominee, expect to see for real all that racism the left only imagined Obama had received.

* Obama said of Perry, “You’ve got a governor whose state is on fire denying climate change.” Is that how it works now? If you don’t accept global warming, you anger the gods of science and they turn their wrath on you and set your land on fire? I guess I don’t understand because I’m not “pro-science” enough. Or superstitious.

* Luckily the science gods don’t care about selling guns to Mexican drug cartels or Obama might get the country set on fire. It ends up the government used tax payer money to buy guns to then sell to the Sinaloa cartel. To know how big a scandal this is, we should at least first know whether the government made a profit. I mean, supplying cartels with guns used in hundreds of murders is bad, but we do have a huge deficit and maybe this is the only place Obama is actually helping us in the budget.

* At a townhall, a millionaire (who just happened to get called on!) stood up and asked Obama to raise his taxes. I guess the government hasn’t publicized enough that there is an address you can send a check to if you feel like the federal government should have more of your money. Of course, these people never do that because they innately understand how idiotic it is to actually choose to waste their own money like that. You might as well just burn the money because then you’d at least know you got light and heat out of the deal.

With these people, it’s not about their money — they only feel good wasting other people’s money. Now there’s a greedy rich person.

* When CERN said they broke the speed of light, they didn’t break it by much. They had a distance that would take light 2.4 thousandths of a second to travel, and the neutrino took 60 billionths of second less time to go that distance. How do they measure something to that degree? I assume they have some sort of digital stopwatch instead of just one with a second hand.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, September 27, 2011 8:47 am

I do club baby seals, but not enough to kill them.

Another change in the Star Wars Blu-ray: At the end of The Empire Strikes Back, Luke demands to see the birth certificate.

With ebooks, will we need an updated Farenheit 451 where the title is the amount of magnetism to ruin hard drives?

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Nuke the News: Yes We Cain!

Monday, September 26, 2011 11:00 am

* I have a another New York Post column: “Plague of the pesky millionaires”. Read it, discuss it, and tell all your friends about it. Also tell your enemies since they are more numerous.

* CAIN!!!

Well, that was a surprise. He won the Florida straw poll, and decisively so: 37% to 15.4% for Perry and 14% for Romney.

Of all the declared GOP candidates, he’s the one I actually like. People just aren’t sure he’s electable because — never having been a politician — he’s a little rough around the edges. I think after having someone like Obama who is nothing but a useless politician, people might actually respond to that. And if we all get together and tell ourselves he is electable, we can make it so. Something to consider.

* Anyway, the state of the GOP candidates is that everyone figures Romney is going to win, but everyone also really hates Romney and wants someone else. We all know Romney will run a solid campaign and probably beat Obama — but we really really want another guy. He’s the backup college of the presidential candidates. And that’s why when Perry — the dominant non-Romney — has started to fade, you saw people go to Cain instead of Romney. People just want another choice.

And that’s why I think there’s a good chance someone else will jump in the race — especially with how it’s looking like anyone could beat Obama at this point. Palin could be sensing an opening, and apparently people are telling Chris Christie that his reelection in New Jersey is unlikely so he might as well go for the presidency. Seems like the Republican presidential primary has been going on forever, but it might not have even really started yet.

Anyway, we just need someone — anyone — to beat Obama. And preferably not Romney.

* Obama is attacking the GOP debates at fundraisers, saying they are “not reflective of who we are”. Well, of course not; they’re staged debates of politicians spouting talking points, genius.

So what does Obama think is “reflective of who we are”? I guess he hopes it’s arrogant incompetence, because if that’s it then you can’t help but look at Obama and see America.

* A majority of people now consider Obama to be the same as or worse than Bush. So I guess Democrat hopes are going to rest on that maybe people really like George W. Bush and mean it as a compliment when they say Obama is the same as him. “You know that guy we said was worse than Hitler, some people say Obama is worse than him… but a lot think he’s about the same as him so that’s not too bad.”

* I saw that my state of Idaho is asking for a waiver on No Child Left Behind — apparently a number of states are going to get waivers. I wonder how you justify that? Maybe you take your worst kids to stand before Obama and then point at them and say, “Look how stupid and useless these kids are; we need permission to leave them behind.” And then Michelle Obama will come into the room, look at them, and yell, “And they’re fat! I hate them! Leave them behind!”

Finally, some common sense in education.

* Women in Saudi Arabia now have the right to vote – so Saudi Arabia is just a little less than 100 years behind us in that regard. Women still aren’t allowed to drive themselves to the polls, but, hey, they can now cast a ballot. I almost don’t have the heart to tell them they don’t live in a democracy.

* The state of Texas will no longer give special catered last meals to people about to be executed. Instead, they’ll just get whatever the cafeteria is serving. Is it just me, or does Texas really not like murderers or something?

* BTW, the title for my ebook coming out in November is “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything”. Should have more details and an exact release date soon. Be excited!

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Random Thoughts

Monday, September 26, 2011 8:51 am

If you have hors d’oeuvres instead of a regular meal, then they’re called xor d’oeuvres.

Going to wrap my main process in a try loop. Yoda would not approve.

Considering the current crop, someone like Christie could swoop in and cruise to the presidency. Or roll, because he’s fat.

Certainly not good news for Perry that the last debate was the most watched one. Probably does show the public is hungry for an alternative to Obama.

For a politician, I’d elect a humble dolt over an arrogant genius. We mainly elect arrogant dolts, though.

Humble people don’t run for office, which is a big problem with our system.

Morgan Freeman: “The Tea Party hates having a black president so much that they’ll elect another one to get rid of him.”

New rule they’re considering for college football: If anyone even smiles after a play, free touchdown for the other team.

Awesome. Just taught Buttercup how to do the touchdown sign.

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The Road Runner Show

Monday, September 26, 2011 5:00 am


Whatcha watchin’?


Cartoons.


Why aren’t you watching the news?


This is more real.


I like the news.



(more…)

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The Week in Doug

Saturday, September 24, 2011 7:51 pm

Doug was on vacation during the second week of September, so that’s why you got no Doug last week. But he was back this week, so here ya go.

By the way, there seems to be a few Herman Cain fans around here, so I’ll start you off with a couple on that topic.

From the audio files:

1) “…Cain takes aim at the Environmental Protection Agency, and he explains the reality. The left will say you’re crazy for saying something like this, [but] this is one of the signs of sanity when you describe the EPA the way Herman Cain has described it…”

2) “…[Herman Cain] was the only one who really outlined what he would do with the tax code. And I don’t know why the tax code conversation isn’t central to the whole debate…”

3) “…So if someone is really a narcissist… what does that mean? It means someone must control everything, including all interactions with others. The reason they have to do this is to feed their own sense of domination. Now Obama uses… 3 tactics [of control] that we see a lot: misinformation, emotional manipulation, and accusations…”

4) “…What she’s saying is what the left always says, which is that there is not enough redistributed wealth…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “Herman Cain is my guy. I’ve finally said it in plain English. He’s my favorite. But the mainstream media will turn him into the second coming of Clarence Thomas.”

2) “Mitt Romney refused to call Obama a socialist. Something that is factually and demonstrably true. Does he, himself, fear being called a socialist because of certain policies that he likes?”

3) “The sooner Barack Obama is out on the lecture circuit, and the sooner he’s out there ghost-writing with a ghost-writer his new memoir, the better for all of us.”

4) “At some point, you start to say, ‘well, maybe Obama is completely incapable of self-reflection; incapable of considering the idea that he might be wrong about anything – whether it’s what to have for lunch or nuclear war.'”

5) “Obama spends time kow-towing to the Islamic extremists in the world, under the delusional idea that his words would somehow make them swoon into submission.”

6) “In his speech, Ahmadinejad was mad about the US history of slavery, America causing 2 world wars, using the nuclear bomb, imposing military dictatorships in Asia, Africa, and Latin America. Sounds exactly like Obama’s point of view.”

7) “Michelle is out there wearing $42,000 diamond cuffs. The Obamas should take my advice and think about firing their ‘personal shopper.’ There is a severe lack of taste going on here, along with a severe lack of in-touchness with ordinary people.”

8) “There is one consistent pattern we have seen with Obama’s policies in the Middle East: he always, 100% of the time, does the wrong thing, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons.”

9) “These liberals won’t recede of their own accord. They only recede because we’re pushing them back.”

10) “None of Obama’s proposals are serious. He doesn’t mean any of it. All he means to do by any of these proposals is to use them as a device aimed at making Republicans look bad.”

See, it’s that last one that really gets me. The liberal media spends all this time talking about what Obama says in his speeches, and they quote the reasonable, inoffensive parts about “working together” and “putting party before country” and maybe some table-scrap tax cut, but he doesn’t mean those words any more than my cat means “imjsetfrkoewr” when she walks across my keyboard.

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Who’s gonna lose, week 4

Saturday, September 24, 2011 7:03 am

Barack Obama and communists don’t like college football. Just sayin’.

So, if you are Barack Obama, a communist, or just don’t care about college football, there’s nothing to see here.


After going a perfect 8-0 last week, I’m now 16-0 with my college football picks for the season, and look to extend my perfect record.
(more…)

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The Briar Patch: Michael Moore

Friday, September 23, 2011 7:21 pm

I know. You don’t want to read anything else about the Troy Davis execution. But bear with me.

Everybody’s favorite filmmaker — if by “everybody’s” you mean “every idiot’s” — Michael Moore is so upset about the execution that he’s calling for a boycott of the state of Georgia.

My first thought was, “Promise?”

But the roly-polier-than-thou holier-than-thou director went one step further. Or two steps. Sort of.

He called for his publisher to pull his book, “Here Comes Trouble,” from Georgia bookstores. Then he said he would “donate every dime of every royalty my book makes in Georgia to help defeat the racists and killers who run that state.”

Yes, he said that he doesn’t want his book sold in Georgia, meaning no royalties from Georgia, and that he would donate those non-existent royalties to campaign against Georgia political leaders.

Governor Deal’s spokesman Brian Robinson issued a response:

“We think it’s cute that he thinks anyone in Georgia would buy his book, but if any Georgian does, I’m happy to double the royalties and buy a pack of gum for a charity of Michael Moore’s choice.”

I was never a fan of Nathan Deal. I might have to rethink that.

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Nuke the News: Faster Than Light, Republican Debate, and the Hidden Imam

Friday, September 23, 2011 11:00 am

* The big news right now — CERN MAY HAVE OBSERVED A PARTICLE MOVING FASTER THAN LIGHT!

I can’t believe anyone is talking about politics or the stupid economy when this is hanging over our head. This would completely destroy our understanding of physics. Do you know how many equations in relativity completely break down when you have a velocity greater than the speed of light. This changes everything!

Well, nothing actually changes. Physics is still the same; it would just change what we thought it was. And since most of you aren’t scientists and don’t really care about physics or understood relativity in the first place, it doesn’t change anything for you.

On second thought, forget this; it’s inconsequential.

* So, did everyone watch the FOX News/Google debate last night? It’s starting to look like we’re going to be stuck with that slimy weasel Romney. Intrade has him rocketing ahead now. He has so many vulnerabilities, but no one seems to be able to land a blow on that slippery little rodent. Perry tried an attack on Romney’s flip flopping, and he stumbled over himself so much it was absolutely painful to watch. It made me feel better about my radio appearances it was so bad. Oh, and then there was Perry saying people didn’t have a heart if they didn’t want to subsidize college tuition for illegal immigrants.

I just can’t stand Romney talking about what a “success” Social Security is — the absolute bloated mess that I’m forced to pay into and will receive nothing (and even if I did, it would be a pittance compared to if I were actually able to invest that money). It’s the worst example of the failures of relying on government, and he’s flying its flag. He’s worse than any Democrat on the issue, and I hate the idea he’s going to be the Republican standard bearer for four to eight years. How in the world is he going to do the entitlement reform we need with that attitude?

Of course, he’s probably lying about what he thinks about Social Security — same as everything else. Oh well; he’s electable and should bat around Obama easily.

I’m so dissatisfied with the current crop, I kind of want Palin to enter the race. I think she can win against Obama at this point, and she doesn’t suck as much as anyone else.

Or we could work on elevating Cain. He’s not a politician… which is great but also means he’s a little rough around the edges. But he’s smart; we can work on that if we all get together.

Maybe we could have a Palin/Cain ticket — PAIN!

* Amadinadoddledoodle — the Iran president guy (I’m tried of googling and cutting and pasting his name) — went in front of the U.N. and spouted crazy because that’s what it’s there for. Along with conspiracy theories, he talked about the twelfth imam (the one with three beards, two of them magical and one of them normal) coming to take over the world or something. The twelfth imam is also known as the hidden imam, because I guess he’s like hiding under a box or camouflaged or something. We should probably keep an eye out for him. Check your attics to make sure no imams are hiding there.

Anyway, the U.S. and a bunch of other countries walked out during Amadiddledoober’s speech, probably to look for that hidden imam. It’s like an Easter egg hunt!

* Wisdom of the Day: “Governor Perry losing debate with his own tongue.” -Ann Coulter

* Apparently chimpanzees don’t like to cooperate with each other. They’ll only work together if they get more benefit than working alone; otherwise, they like to be mysterious, loner chimpanzees. This is good news for us because it means there is little chance that monkeys will organize together to rise up against us. Also, since they don’t like to cooperate, we can probably put in seeds of doubt and cause them to fight each other, destroying themselves. So put that under our plans to eliminate monkeys. I hope the government has plans how to make every individual species extinct in case they become nuisances.

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Random Thoughts

Friday, September 23, 2011 8:56 am

“When the sun is at its highest, we shall gather for THE LUNCHEONING!”

Now they’re doing a physics reboot. In the new version, faster than light particles are allowed. It will also be darker, grittier.

Facebook has always been weird and annoying to me, so I haven’t really noticed these changes people are complaining about.

A particle may have moved faster than light – why are we wasting time talking about the economy and politics?

Ad for new Transformers movies had critic quote calling it the “best action movie ever”. Is this a widely held opinion?

I think they were reaching too much with that quote. If they had a critic call it “passable”, I might have bought that.

So what’s a Google debate? They’re allowed to Google during it? About time.

SHUT UP BACHMANN YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ALL OF US!!! …Oh, guess I soured on her.

Ugh. I hate seeing normal people. They’re all so weird looking.

If I could just magically make one of the GOP contenders president, it would be Cain.

I’ll be willing to pay into Social Security and get nothing if my daughter can be spared from paying into it at all.

What’s Race to the Top? Is that on CBS?

Don’t force Romney to answer the question; it just confuses him.

Come on; let’s just give the nomination to Cain. He’s a diamond in the rough, but the others just suck.

Do we really need a president? How about after Bush and Obama we just give the whole thing a break.

Stupid Bachman believe magnets work on Mexicans. SHE’S SO STUPID!!!

Here’s how tired I am of all these people: I kind of want to Palin to run now.

Really; look how awful Obama is doing. 2012 is going to be a gimme to whoever we nominate. Can’t we find someone?

If I were president, I would come up with my own creative way to pronounce every country’s name.

If I wanted someone to defend Social Security, I’d watch a Democrat debate and hang myself.

No smart politician can defend Social Security as a success without being a creepy liar.

Perry’s attack on Romney made me feel a lot better about my radio appearances.

I really like Newt and would vote for him except for the fact that I hate him.

Gary Johnson killed his neighbor’s dog with a shovel?

I agree with Bachmann that probably anyone we nominate will win so let’s nominate the biggest right-wing nut we can find. I’ll have to remind you that I’m still not old enough to be president.

Wait… How much does the presidency pay and what’s the health care plan? And if things don’t work out, is there a severance package? I already know you gets lots of vacation time.

Okay. Enough politics. Time to beat the fifth temple in Legend of Zelda II.

Can’t we all just get together and tell ourselves Cain is electable and make him frontrunner?

Legend of Zelda II is very hard by the way.

Romney is such a dishonest weasel. I guess I should just be happy he’s on our side…ish.

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Nuke the News: Executions, Spoilers, and Dancing Ron Paul

Thursday, September 22, 2011 11:00 am

* The nice thing about Obama is how he doesn’t embarrass us in front of other world leaders:

"I'm Barack Obama!"

Here’s a challenge for the left: Try find a photo of Bush in which he looks dumber than this.

* Troy Davis was executed yesterday for murdering a police officer who tried to stop him beating up a homeless man. This is a problem to some because lots of people who read news articles about him thought there was lots of doubt to his guilt (while those who actually sat through and ruled in his many many court trials apparently didn’t).

One problem of capital punishment is that it causes an odd segment of the population to laud and praise murderers while the victim is forgotten. You had people acting like Troy Davis was some spiritual guru, while even if you believe their story it just meant that Davis maybe didn’t murder Mark MacPhail and instead just stood around while his friend beat up and homeless man and killed the police officer (but of course, the multiple court reviews — including the Supreme Court — didn’t believe that).

These capital punishment controversies are always such tangled messes. Wish we didn’t have them. I guess easiest way to achieve that is for people to stop murdering so much.

* A white supremacist who murdered a black man by dragging him to death was also executed yesterday. Not a record protest turnout.

* Polls finally show a majority blame Obama for the U.S. economy. After a couple years and a few trillion, you do have to take a little ownership. But the good news for Obama is that if the economy takes off like a rocket, people will now praise him for it instead of just saying how great Bush was. And I’m sure his new proposal of $1.5 trillion in taxes will really get things moving.

* Rick Perry has been running on his job record, but a new report says that 80% percent of Texas’s new jobs went to immigrants — 40% to illegal immigrants. Well, that’s not great; our goal isn’t to help Mexico’s unemployment. Our goal is only to help Mexico’s drug cartels get guns.

* Ron Paul says he would consider putting Dennis Kucinich on his cabinet, so if you’re wondering what Ron Paul’s cabinet looks like in the alternate universe where he’s president and we all wear pants on our head, there you go.

Since this president thing isn’t going to work out in this universe where we wear pants on our legs, Ron Paul and Kucinich should consider getting together and forming a traveling roadshow where they sing and dance and do vaudeville and denounce overseas occupations. Sounds pretty entertaining. And I have a great tagline for it: “RON PAUL!”

* For some reason, Al Gore has announced that he knows the new iPhones are coming out in October. Is that what Gore is reduced to now? Trying to attach himself to the popularity of the iPhone? Poor Al Gore; I don’t think he has any friends.

* A study says that spoilers don’t ruin a story but actually enhance enjoyment. So I’ll help you with enjoying some movies:

Citizen Kane: Rosebud was his pet dog.
Planet of the Apes: The main character was dreaming the whole thing.
The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis’s character was the one who murdered all those people.
The Usual Suspects: The police officer questioning everyone is Kaiser Soze.
The Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader reveals it was Obi Wan who killed Luke’s father.
Soylent Green: Soylent Green contained corn syrup which just isn’t healthy.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Paraphrasing Mencken, liberalism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, is making more than a tenured professor.” -Jim Geraghty

* A bouncer was hired for an IHOP in East Villiage. You can look at the many flavors of syrup available, but NO TOUCHING!

Ah, hipsters.

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