Nuke the News: Blame and Guns

* Pajamas Media has up a new column from me on what we can try and do to make Obama like us so he’ll stop trying to destroy us. Read and enjoy!

* Good news, Joe Biden, the most helpful ally one can have, says it’s totally legitimate to make the presidential election a referendum on the economy. So, in deciding whether to reelect Obama and Biden, let’s first take a look at the economy…

GAH! It’s horrible! I can’t look anymore! Keep it away!

So, if you want four more years of that, you know who to vote for. And you’re a terrorist.

* Gun sales have been going up the past few years while gun crime has been going down. Of course, the media is putting this out as “despite an increase in gun sales, gun crime is decreasing”… even though we know that’s an idiotic statement.

Guns are one of those scary freedoms that makes a lot of people nervous. We end up better as a nation when we embrace such freedoms, but doing so makes some people scared and they want that freedom gone even if it is for everyone’s benefit. For those people, point north. That’s where Canada is.

Also, there’s a new book out, Chicks with Guns, celebrating the 15 million to 20 million women in America who own firearms. If you want to be a true feminist, you need to own a gun.

* New Crowder video. He and Michelle Obama are going to make you fit!

I find having to constantly lift and carry a small child also helps keep you fit.

* Going to cut this one short today, as I got woken up by both the baby and work last night. Anyway, watch Boise State get their revenge on Nevada tomorrow. REVENGE!

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Random Thoughts

An announcement that Chris Christie is running should ape the scene from Jurassic Park with the glass of water.

Anyone notice that Chris Christie is a tad overweight? I bet if he runs, that will be useful for a joke or two.

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Nuke the News: Obama Knows Nothing About Taxes and Lying Magnets

* Good news. Apparently Obama has no idea what people pay in taxes. He said he pays a lower tax rate than a teacher, which isn’t even close to being true. Of course, as we all know from people like Timothy Geithner, these people don’t even pay taxes — that’s for lesser people. And the exact rate is inconsequential anyway; all they know is it needs to be higher no matter what it is.

Of course, I’m for making sucky politicians pay 100% tax rate. You mess up the country like this, you should beg on the streets for the rest of your life. It’s only fair — and don’t they like “fairness”?

* Rick Perry sorta apologized for calling people “heartless” who oppose subsidizing illegal immigrants going to college. Yeah, we just love that. The country is going bankrupt, but we’re heartless for not wanting to help pay people here illegally to have the huge privilege of going to college. And how many hundreds of thousands am I going to need to save up to send Buttercup to college in eighteen years? How about we have illegal aliens work to pay off our student loans first, and then maybe our hearts will warm to them.

* Most Americans are opposed to giving the Palestinians their own state. I guess we need another terror sponsoring state like we need another hole in a destroyer.

Can’t we compromise and give them their own island somewhere… one they can’t get off of?

* A terrorist was plotting to hit the Pentagon with bomb-laden remote control planes when the FBI got him. I remember after 9/11 how sure we were there would be more terror attacks because it just seemed so easy: Just put a bomb in a shopping mall or even just run into a crowded area and start shooting. But instead the terrorists seem to be focusing on all these convoluted plots they can’t pull off because I guess they think that’s what they’re supposed to do. Finally a benefit of Hollywood misleading people.

* Scientists have found that magnets can make people lie. Well, there’s a great new excuse for someone caught in lie. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to lie to you honey, but… I was near refrigerator magnets.”

Magnets: We don’t know how the @#$% they work, but they’ll help us make up an explanation.

* Amazon has unveiled its own tablet PC, the Kindle Fire, and it’s only $199 — $300 less than cheapest iPad. They also have new eInk Kindles with touch screens and they start under a hundred. It was only a couple years ago SarahK bought her Kindle 2 for nearly $400. Don’t you love capitalism? Socialism has not and will not give you cheap, shiny new devices to play with.

Also, since there is now a full color screen to work with on the Kindle Fire, graphic novels are going to start coming to Kindle. And I was getting so used to reading books without pictures (based on recommendations, I’m currently reading Mistborn and quite enjoying it).

Anyway, make sure you have a nice device for reading my ebook when it comes out in November (though worse comes to worst, Amazon has a in-browser e-reader that can be used by anything that can access a website — so no excuses!).

* Along with DC comics’ big reboot, there’s a new Aquaman series which had its first issue come out yesterday — and IGN gave it a 9.0 (out of 10, not 100 — really). I haven’t read it yet; like all of DC’s new comics, it’s available the same day as print on the iPad, but I’m just pretty averse to paying $3 for a digital comic. You can’t ask print price for digital; just doesn’t work.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Rick Perry supporting in-state tuition for illegals is a lot less ridiculous than Romney’s claim that there’s nothing wrong with SS.” –Keder

* Here’s one of the best examples of real-life imitating the Onion. Here’s one of my favorite Onion videos:

9/11 Conspiracy Theories ‘Ridiculous,’ Al Qaeda Says

And now Al Qaeda is chastising Ahmadinejad for implying they weren’t behind the 9/11 attack.

And this is why satire is so hard.

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Random Thoughts

Was doing volunteer work for my job and was the only one who found it hilarious that the guy from Parks and Rec telling us what to do is named Jerry.

Ooh! With the new Kindle Fire, it looks like they’re going to start doing Kindle editions of graphic novels!

I’ve tried alfalfa and it was okay. What are the other available falfas?

I have a slogan for alfalfa: “The Alpha of Falfas”

I have no idea what alfalfa is.

New Girl is so generic in setup I feel kind of guilty enjoying it so much.

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Cain sounds like one of you people

Disclosure: I have financially contributed to the Herman Cain campaign.

There’s a minor kerfuffle going on about something that Herman Cain said. It’s widely reported that he said he couldn’t support Rick Perry as the Republican nominee:

[Edited: The previous video no longer allows embedding. So, here is the original excerpt from CNN. The quote begins immediately after the commercial.]

[Direct link]

Yep. That’s what he said. And that bothers me.

You see, I’ve been going on and on about how, no matter who the GOP nominee is, we need to support him. And some of you get your panties all in a wad about that.

“I’m not ever going to support Mitt Romney!”

“I won’t vote for Rick Perry!”

“If Sarah Palin isn’t the nominee, I’m not voting!”

“If Sarah Palin is the nominee, I’m not voting!”

“Ron Paul is nuts!”

Okay, that last one is okay. But still, nuts as he is, he’d a darn sight better than Barack Obama. But some of you are saying you won’t support this guy or that girl. Well, now Herman Cain sounds a lot like some of you people. Maybe he’s pandering to the panties-in-a-wad crowd.

I don’t care for that. I suspect Cain will backtrack, and soon. He’ll come up with some statement that sounds like some crafted statement talking about how we can disagree about important issues, but still have the same overriding goal: defeat Barack Obama and return competence to the White House.

But what should he say? Or, better, what should he have said to Wolf Blitzer’s question, “Could you support Rick Perry if he were the nominee?”

  • Against Obama? Of course. Hell, Wolf, I’d support you over Barack Obama.
  • I fully support Rick Perry for vice-president.
  • I would support Rick Perry if Zombie Reagan turned down the nomination.
  • Nine, nine, nine.
  • Not if he was the Democrat nominee. Has he switched back to being a Democrat?
  • That’s a stupid question, Wolf. What do you think I’m going to say? That I wouldn’t support Rick Perry? Do you think I’m stupid?

What do you think Herman Cain should have said?

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Nuke the News: Meddlesome Democracy!

* Chris Christie gave a speech yesterday and it was important because maybe he was going to enter the presidential race but then he didn’t and so I’m not sure why everyone is still talking about him. He is a very large man.

Also, isn’t Palin supposed to say firmly whether she is or is not running by the end of this month? Times almost up!

And maybe there will still be a special guest star who will jump in the race. I’m crossing my fingers for Mr. T!

* North Carolina governor Bev Perdue suggested we suspend democracy to help get things done. If you ever need a good example of fascism, you just need to let a liberal talk long enough uninterrupted. The left hates democracy; they’re just usually smart enough never express that. Think about it: They see themselves as this smart elite, so the masses are just these people in the way of getting things done. So why would they want to give regular people a say in important things like government?

Of course, I don’t really like democracy either — just from a different perspective. I don’t think 51% of people should be able to vote to rob the other 49%. I think people should be able to make their own choices and democracy used in as little areas as possible. The left, on the other hand, would rather get rid of democracy entirely and rob the 99% with no one getting a say. For “fairness.”

* I just like the headline to this article: “Obama aide Axelrod acknowledges hurdles to president’s reelection”. Like him being horrible at the job?

Good acknowledging there, Axelrod!

* So 20,000 surface to air missiles are missing in Libya. Let’s not panic, though; it doesn’t mean they ended up in the hands of terrorists. They could just be misplaced.

Oh, found one in the couch cushions. So only 19,999 missiles are missing.

And there’s another. Apparently the dog took it and was chewing on it. So now only 19,998 missing. I’m sure we’ll find the rest. Might want to stay out of the air until then, though.

* Andy Rooney is finally leaving 60 Minutes. He was an old guy who complained about unimportant things. There are lots of old people who complain about unimportant things, though, so I don’t know why we needed a designated one on TV. Of course, I’m a young guy who complains about unimportant things, but I do it on my blog. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate clamshell packaging?

* In Amanda Knox’s murder trial, her lawyer likened her to Jessica Rabbit saying she’s not bad, “she’s just drawn that way.” Is that really an appropriate reference? I mean, Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a pretty popular movie, but it came out twenty-three years ago. So is that a reference everyone is going to get when you use it in your murder trial? In Italy?

Just saying maybe he should have come up with an Inception reference. Nah, people probably wouldn’t have understood it.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Breaking News: Chrisitie will not run for president until they take ‘run’ out of the equation.” –Albert Brooks [“Because he’s fat.” -Ed.]

* Here’s the cover to my ebook coming out in November:

You may wonder why an ebook needs a cover. It’s so people can judge it.

Anyway, are you excited? I’m excited. Actually, I don’t care if you’re excited; just have money ready.

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Random Thoughts

Do you think it depresses Romney how much the Republican base hates him and obviously wants someone else to vote for? I mean, we’ll all vote for him, but we’ve made it so obvious we really don’t want to.

Are we going to really want to elect someone like Chris Christie who keep lying about how he’s not going to run?

I don’t know her odds, but Palin replacing Obama would be HIGH-larious.

Most people don’t think Obama is going to resign, but have we tried offering him a generous severance package?

We need a Andy Rooney for the new generation who, instead of complaining about stupid stuff, likes stupid stuff ironically.

First thing new Andy Rooney could like ironically: Old Andy Rooney.

Just talked to Christie’s barber. Says last time Christie got a haircut, he asked that it be “presidential-looking.”

Andy Rooney’s replacement should be Norm MacDonald.

My book will be an ebook. That means it comes with a tab of e to help with reading enjoyment.

I’m just kidding. Kids, don’t do drugs. You’re not cool enough.

Chris Christie: “I started to fill out the form to join the presidential race, BUT THEN I ATED IT!”

So how does conservative enthusiasm for Chris Christie fit with the epistemic closure meme?

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Racist Reality … Fixed!

Reality is racist. Just so you know.

Recently, the president gave a speech before the Congressional Black Caucus, and, as he is wont to do, he slipped into his “Hey-I’m-Black-Too” dialect. And, the Associated Press reported the actual words he used, as he used them:

Stop complainin’. Stop grumblin’. Stop cryin’.

And, for reporting what happened, the AP was accused of being racist by Karen Hunter on MSNBC:

Hunter called the AP’s version “inherently racist,” sparring with New Republic contributing editor and noted linguistics expert John McWhorter, who argued the g-less version “is actually the correct one,” noting that the president’s victory in the 2008 election was due, in part, to how effortlessly “he can switch into that [black] dialect.”

To follow Hunter’s demands to their conclusion, as Jeff Goldstein put it:

…they are now charged with re-writing history to protect the speaker from himself, lest they be charged with transcribing reality, once considered the most neutral of all activities (at least in intent and aim), an activity that now carries with it the charge of “inherent racism” if the reality being transcribed belongs to blacks, and non-blacks or inauthentic blacks are doing the transcribing.

Presumably, Ms Hunter, if pressed, might have to extend the argument to audio clips that capture the dropping of the g’s — themselves a secondhand recording of reality that have not been “corrected” of their “inherent racism.”

So, now that we know that reality is racist and we must protect ourselves from it, we present the video of the president’s actual words, not as said, but as they must be to remove the charge of racism:

[Direct link]

Liberals have been living outside reality for a long, long time. Now, they want us to live outside it, too.

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lolterizt! Part 141

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Kris:

From Kris:

[NOTE: only the hats were ‘shopped]

From Kris:

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From Kris:


From me (Harvey):

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Brian The Adequate:

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From Brian The Adequate:

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From James:

From Kris:

From Kris:

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From Kris:

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From Kris:

From Kris:

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From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: More Christie Speculation, Cain-mentum, and Angering the Science Gods

* Chris Christie speculation is in full force again thanks to dissatisfaction with the frontrunners. He’s pretty liberal on a number of issues, but he’s full force on cutting spending which is the big issue of the day and maybe all that matters to primary voters. Plus, he’ll probably be too busy stuffing his face with fistfuls of bacon to pursue a liberal agenda (he’s fat).

Of course, Christie keeps denying he’s getting into the race. In fact, his exact words were, “I am absolutely against running for president, and are you going to eat that?” But despite all the denials, people keep speculating because they want a strong candidate to believe in. And despite the fact that the waiter had just set down my steak dinner in front of me so it was pretty obvious I was going to eat that, Christie grabbed my rib eye right off my plate.

* New Zogby poll says that Herman Cain is now the frontrunner with 28% of the vote to Perry’s 18% and Romney’s 17%. The only thing: It’s a Zogby poll. Still, I want to believe.

* Herman Cain is claiming he can win at least a third of the black vote. Wouldn’t that basically be the end of the Democrat Party? Whites are leaving them in droves, so they can’t lose minorities too. If that starts to happen, expect to see desperation like we’ve never seen before from the left (and we pretty much see nothing but desperation from them all the time). If Herman Cain is our nominee, expect to see for real all that racism the left only imagined Obama had received.

* Obama said of Perry, “You’ve got a governor whose state is on fire denying climate change.” Is that how it works now? If you don’t accept global warming, you anger the gods of science and they turn their wrath on you and set your land on fire? I guess I don’t understand because I’m not “pro-science” enough. Or superstitious.

* Luckily the science gods don’t care about selling guns to Mexican drug cartels or Obama might get the country set on fire. It ends up the government used tax payer money to buy guns to then sell to the Sinaloa cartel. To know how big a scandal this is, we should at least first know whether the government made a profit. I mean, supplying cartels with guns used in hundreds of murders is bad, but we do have a huge deficit and maybe this is the only place Obama is actually helping us in the budget.

* At a townhall, a millionaire (who just happened to get called on!) stood up and asked Obama to raise his taxes. I guess the government hasn’t publicized enough that there is an address you can send a check to if you feel like the federal government should have more of your money. Of course, these people never do that because they innately understand how idiotic it is to actually choose to waste their own money like that. You might as well just burn the money because then you’d at least know you got light and heat out of the deal.

With these people, it’s not about their money — they only feel good wasting other people’s money. Now there’s a greedy rich person.

* When CERN said they broke the speed of light, they didn’t break it by much. They had a distance that would take light 2.4 thousandths of a second to travel, and the neutrino took 60 billionths of second less time to go that distance. How do they measure something to that degree? I assume they have some sort of digital stopwatch instead of just one with a second hand.

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