Archive for October, 2011

Nuke the News: Contractors, Biden 2016, and Hippies as Bad as Nazis

Monday, October 24, 2011 11:00 am

* So we’re leaving Iraq now for good. I’m not sure if we won or if we just got tired of it (maybe that’s the same thing). I guess that’s good. Or bad. Or something. I have no idea anymore.

The thing is, though, there will still be thousands of armed Americans in Iraq — it’s just that they’ll be “contractors”. I guess that’s the new way to fudge things, because they’ll run around shooting people and getting shot but no one ever counts them as American troops. I wonder if we’ll see more contractor deployments in the future as a way to pretend we don’t have a military presence in places.

“Yes, we have no military presence in that country — just 10,000 contractors.”

“Doing what?”

“Well… contract stuff. You know, renovating kitchens, building indoor swimming pools, murdering dictators…”

* Obama’s approval rating has a hit a new low in Gallup. The only president who had a lower 11th quarter average in approval than Obama was Carter, so he’s still the low watermark. All Obama has to do now is aim to be better than Carter and hopefully lose the presidency in a somewhat competitive election instead of a huge landslide.

* Bobby Jindal won reelection to Governor of Louisiana in a landslide Saturday, getting 66% of the vote against nine other opponents. The DNC didn’t even bother supporting anyone against him. Jindal just needs to be careful to keep hiding the fact that he’s a minority, as people are very racist in the South… especially Republicans.

* Joe Biden said he hasn’t ruled out a 2016 run for president, which makes him the only one left in America who hasn’t ruled that out.

Then again, if we don’t support him for president, he may rape and murder us.

* In hippie news, Occupy Wall Street protesters in England (kind of far from Wall Street) have shut down St. Paul’s Cathedral. It’s the first time since the Blitz the cathedral was shut down. So, SMELLY HIPPIES ARE AS BAD AS BEING BOMBED BY NAZIS!!!

Also, since Occupy Wall Street protesters are just like us, they spend most of their time talking and debating about drums. Are they really so clueless that they think “drumming circle” means anything to anyone else other than “dumb hippies”?

* Fareed Zakaria, that really weird guy with that freaky Cheshire Cat grin, says there should be a 50% inheritance tax, because, I guess, the government really owns everything and we should just basically just surrender this idea of private property to it. What we really need is some sort of restraining order we can issue to certain people to keep them away from government, because I really want to make sure thinking like that never even comes within a hundred yards of actual policy. Man, it’s so much easier when people with views like these are in an enemy nation so you just shoot them; it’s confusing on what to do when they’re citizens of your own country.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Our son’s teacher emailed us to be ‘vigilante’ about head lice. Time to go turn in my badge. But not my gun.” -Scott Simpson

* 22 more days until Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything comes out. I hope you’re all working to save up that $1.99.

I’ve also got the first seven chapters of my SF novel ready for people to give a critique of (and will have the rest ready soon). Tell me if you’re interested in giving it a look. I’m not at this point as interested in edits as I am high-level critiques like whether the story is at all engaging and what you think of the characters. I would just post the chapters here on the blog, but I’m worried about that causing problems with publishers later on.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, October 24, 2011 8:52 am

Why are they trying to make another dollar coin? Who uses coins anymore? What are we, medieval peasants?

Had a nightmare that Biden was pounding on the window of my bedroom, trying to rape and murder me.

My Facebook fan page has over 100 likes. I’m well on my way to being the most famous writer ever.

Wow. Jupiter is super bright this year. I mistook it for Venus.

Really annoys me how every time it’s a strike, the umpire yells, “BALL!”

What an exciting World Series if you’re one of the select few who care about one of the teams playing.

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Blazing Democrats

Monday, October 24, 2011 2:20 am

Equal time for the Democrats? Sure, why not.


[Direct link]

See previous: Blazing Republicans

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IMAO Reader Theater: Blackboard Theater: Scientific Consensus

Sunday, October 23, 2011 8:06 pm

From Les of Brick Moon:



[YouTube direct link]

Congratulations, Les, on getting yourself put on Al Gore’s “Mortal Enemies List” (still on 5 1/4″ floppy disk)

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The Week in Doug

Sunday, October 23, 2011 6:51 pm

From the audio files (by the way, #2 is highly recommended for its entertainment value):

1) “…The President presides, then takes on the responsibility for making decisions. He presides over experts. And the experts are people you hire based upon their accumulated knowledge from experience. You can get very good advisers, like Reagan did. That’s exactly what Cain has said he would do…”

2) “…Liberals think that Obama is smart, frankly, because they use their own lack of intelligence as a yardstick. He is not that bright…”

3) “…The Democrat Party treats African-Americans as if they’re children. And you are not children… Definition of brainwashed: persuasion by propaganda or salesmanship. It’s not the most polite term… but it’s fitting…”

4) “…Then there’s this idea [about the national sales tax] that future Congresses are going to be raising taxes. Now, let’s understand something – that’s a risk that exists NOW!…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “Notice that Sharpton and the others do NOT attack Cain’s policies. They do not debate him on the merits or the principles. The left only go after his skin color. It’s what Democrats used to do in the 50’s and 60’s.”

2) “Any time there’s a black man who comes out of the gate as a conservative, places like the Washington Post will put on their figurative white hoods and attempt to scare black conservatives back to the confines of the Democrat plantation.”

3) “This is not a jobs bill. This is a stimulus bill. A money-laundering, tax-and-spend stimulus bill.”

4) “Joe Biden never stops putting his foot in his mouth. And he doesn’t stop stepping on his foot once it’s in his mouth.”

5) “Take away Obama’s teleprompter and he makes a freshman candidate for the debate team wince with his inability to think on his feet or even sound coherent.”

6) “Obama has spent his whole life being taught the ‘injustices’ of America. Not the opportunities of America. He’s been indoctrinated in Marxism rather than the concepts of liberty. Do you think he was ever told, or lived for a moment with the idea that he could achieve anything he wanted through hard work and taking chances?”

7) “Romney sounds slick. Very smooth. How many people do you know who are actually like Mitt Romney in real life? He comes off like a game show host.”

8) “They hate Cain’s candidacy. It spoils their narrative of casting conservatives as racists, of course. That’s why they have to twist themselves into knots to find ways to say he’s not really black.”

9) “The federal government should have absolutely zero interest in local government responsibilities, such as fire, police, and education. Keep the feds the heck out of local matters, please.”

10) “Are these bus tours resonating with anyone? Why does he keep doing them on the taxpayers’ dime? It just makes his poll numbers go down. In other words, I support them. Keep doing them, Mr. Obama.”

Re: #7 – I think Doug may owe Pat Sajak an apology for that one.

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Blazing Republicans

Saturday, October 22, 2011 3:12 pm

Now showing!


[Direct link]

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Who’s gonna lose, week 8

Saturday, October 22, 2011 8:00 am

As this year’s college football season creeps along, you’d think that none of the games matter until November, when Alabama and LSU square off, then in December when Oklahoma and Oklahoma State do their battle. That is, if all you did was listen to the hype.

Truth of the matter is that there is no such thing as a meaningless college football game. If you don’t believe me, go ask the players. Games that don’t lead up to the so-called national championship game in January do matter a great deal. And that so-called national championship game really isn’t, until they implement a playoff. I have the perfect solution to that. I’ve talked about it in past seasons, and might share my brilliance with you again this year. But not this week.

If you don’t like college football, then there’s little hope for you. If you are a fan, you might not agree with this week’s picks. But that’s part of the fun of being a fan.
(more…)

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Nuke the News: Frank J. Fan Club, Obama May Not By Eligible for Reelection, and the Illegal Declaration of Independence

Friday, October 21, 2011 11:00 am

* It seems kind of pretentious, but I made a fan page for myself on Facebook. You can like it and then follow my rising writing career through that new Facebook thing. I assume everyone is already following me on Twitter… where I’m HILARIOUS.

* Don’t know what to think about this Qdaffy thing other than that I hope killing dictators will be the cool new thing from Obama. “There can be only one!”

* Apparently, Steve Jobs told Obama that he was headed for a one-term presidency. So not only was Jobs a genius innovator who changed the face of technology in this world, but he also could make extremely obvious observations.

You know, Obama should really start wearing a black turtle neck all the time. Then, when he’s voted out of office, he can just declare that he was too cool for us.

* Of course, maybe Obama doesn’t want to run for reelection. Do you know who he put in charge of submitting the paperwork for him running for office? Joe Biden.

BIDEN: “Okay, here’s the paperwork.”

CLERK: “That’s a ham sandwich.”

BIDEN: “It can’t be. I had my lunch in one box and the paperwork in another, and I stopped and ate my lunch before coming here… wait the lunch was kind of dry.”

CLERK: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t put Obama on the ballot if all you have is a ham sandwich.”

BIDEN: “Don’t make me rape and murder you!”

* Pew Research did a survey on what’s the first word that comes to mind when the Republican candidate names are mentioned. For Perry, it’s “Texas”, for Herman Cain, it’s “9-9-9″ (successful branding!), and for Romney, it’s “Mormon” — which is way better than the first word that comes to my mind. They also did a survey of the first words that came to mind when Obama was mentioned, but they couldn’t publish it because it was obscene.

* Hey it’s another half-billion loan of our tax money spent by Obama — this time to build electric cars in Finland. When Obama talks about the jobs he’s saved and created, is he talking America or worldwide? At least this company hasn’t gone out of business like Solyndra — and why would they; Finland has a very stable, non-Obama economy.

So, yeah, let’s give Obama hundreds of billions more to spend; he’s super smart with it.

* British and American lawyers had a debate in Philadelphia about whether the Declaration of Independence was legal. The British lawyers argued that secession was not the proper tool by which to settle internal arguments, and the Americans countered by shooting them with muskets.

Works every time.

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Random Thoughts

Friday, October 21, 2011 8:46 am

The left are extremely racist because they don’t get called on it. The right is constantly wary of racism, but the left don’t have to worry. They’re for high taxes. They can’t be racist.

So what’s the chance of nice Christians now running Libya?

Remember when Obama vowed to kill Qdaffy if he was elected? He’s a man who keeps all his promises.

Herman Cain: “Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.”

So the White House really isn’t going to stop Biden from going around threatening to rape people if the jobs bill isn’t passed?

Anyway, the point is, I want you to hear what I have to say, but I don’t want to hear what you have to say.

I still don’t get the point of Legos videogames. What’s next? “Playing Outside: The Videogame”.

The World Series is on again? But it was just on yesterday. I thought it came on once a year.

“But there is no joy in Mudville – mighty Casey was intentionally walked.”

So baseball is all about beards these days.

Watching the World Series just feels like a duty as a citizen. Like jury duty. I tried getting out of it.

I don’t care who wins or loses. The important things is there aren’t extra innings so I can go to bed.

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I can’t not vote

Friday, October 21, 2011 3:30 am

There are still some people that don’t like any of the Republicans that are running. Or, at least, don’t like the ones polling the best.

Currently leading the pack is Atlanta businessman Herman Cain. He’s the guy who has no chance whatsoever, despite leading the polls. Some people don’t like him because he has no experience in politics, except for losing a Senate race (2nd in a 3-man primary). He’s too conservative for moderates. He’s too black (color) for some liberals and not black (racial stereotype) enough for other liberals. And he has too much testosterone for Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann fans. He’s trending up.

Then there’s Mitt Romney, who everybody hates and the media and GOP establishment has declared the frontrunner, even though he currently polls in second place. Front-runner must not mean what I thought it meant. He’s too liberal for anyone who’s not a liberal. He’s trending neither up nor down.

Rick Perry was the great hope before he ran. Once he declared he was running, suddenly nobody liked him any more. His being a former Democrat hurts him with conservatives. Supporting some benefits for illegals hurts him too. After briefly leading the polls, he’s now third or fourth, depending on the poll. But he’s trending down.

There’s Newt Gingrich, who was written off months ago but is in 3rd or 4th place, depending on the poll, and trending up. He lead the conservative takeover of Congress back in the Clinton years, but committed the unforgivable sins of sitting on a couch with Nancy Pelosi and supporting a RINO over a TEA Party candidate in New York in 2010. Plus, he pisses people off by being smarter than them. I can relate.

Then there’s Ron Paul, who’s been nuts for years and keeps getting nuts following him. Including two children that share my DNA. Kids. What are you gonna do? Anyway, Ron Paul has really crazy followers who either take too much drugs or not enough medication. He’s got like 3 really good ideas and 800 really nutty ones. His followers focus on the 3 good ones when they argue, then slip up and tell you how evil Jews are and how the Twin Towers were blown up by George Bush. Like I said, crazy. He’s trending up.

Michele Bachmann is trending down. She’s like the hot chick you wanted to date, then while sitting in the restaurant, you realize that she talks to the silverware. She’s still hot, but you keep thinking she’s going to go all Glenn Close on you and you’ll find your rabbit in the kitchen.

Jon Huntsman is still hanging around because some libertarians — and a bunch of liberaltarians — like him. Probably because he thinks pot should be given out instead of condoms. Or something. I was never quite sure what he was saying. Philosophically, he’s what you get if you cross Ron Paul and Mitt Romney. Now, go get that image out of your head.

Sarah Palin and Chris Christie aren’t running this year, though they still have fans thinking they will.

Now, despite the things I listed about the candidates that different people don’t like, there are groups that like each of these candidates, and like them a lot. Way too much, for some.

There are some Ron Paul or Rick Perry or Sarah Palin or Michele Bachman fans that say they won’t vote for anyone but their candidate. They focus on the things about the candidates that they don’t like (can you count to 999?) and say how unqualified that makes that candidate.

“I’ll never vote for Newt Gingrich!” or “If they nominate Herman Cain, I won’t vote” or “RONPAUL!!!1!!!” or the like.

Honestly, there are things about each candidate that I don’t like. Been that way since the 1976 election, the first where I was old enough to vote.

There are some candidates I really like (though, like I said, not everything they say), some I like okay, and some that I really don’t like. But, come November 2012, I’m going to vote.

Over the last several months, and again Thursday, someone said to me that if the election came down to a certain candidate (rhymes with Sherman Payne) against Obama, he wouldn’t vote. Others have said something similar in the past.

I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t not vote.

You see, if we end up with a candidate that we don’t really like — I won’t name names, but say his name rhymes with Ritt Momney — I still can’t sit the election out.

Think about it. Who will vote for those candidates? People that really like them. What kind of people would really like Barack Obama or some polarizing Republican? You already think the people that support those candidates are nuts. Well, yeah, they might be. And they’ll vote.

I may have two crazy candidates from which to choose, but I would rather choose than let a bunch of crazies choose between the crazies. I’ll vote for the least worst, and I’m responsible if that candidate wins. Plus, I’ll know I did everything I could to prevent the most worst candidate from winning.

I can’t not vote. I may not like the final choices, but I’m not going to go off crying like a little tittie baby who got his toy took from him.

I can deal with it.

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Nuke the News: Obama Making All the Right Choices, Demands, and Only $1.99!

Thursday, October 20, 2011 11:00 am

* Reports are that Qdaffy is captured or dead or something. I hope they give him a proper Muslim burial and chuck him in the sea.

* In an interview with Jake Tapper, Obama said, “I believe all the choices we’ve made have been the right ones.” So look at the state of the country right now. THIS IS WHAT HE MEANT TO DO! Isn’t that basically admitting to treason? Why won’t someone go arrest him? Maybe he’s replaced all federal officials with terrorists. He really did think of everything. All his choices have been the right ones… FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF THIS COUNTRY!

* Here’s an interesting factoid: Obama has gotten more Wall Street money than all the Republicans combined. But he stands with the 99%. Or at least with THEIR MONEY THAT WAS TAKEN FROM THEM BY GREEDY WALL STREET BANKERS!

* But don’t worry: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is on top of our economic problem. He said:

“The massive layoffs we have had in America today, of course, are rooted in the last administration, and it is very clear that private sector jobs are doing just fine.”

Wait? He thinks that the massive losses in private sector jobs is “just fine”. He’s a part of the “right” decisions Obama has been making! HE WANTS OUR ECONOMY TO CRUMBLE! Why are these people out there destroying the nation and not in prison? And who are these “Nevadans” who keep electing Reid? Why aren’t they also in prison?

* And it only gets worse from this administration. Right now, Joe Biden is going around THREATENING TO RAPE EVERYONE! If the jobs bill isn’t passed, he has vowed to rape everyone he can. Here’s what he said at a recent townhall meeting:

“You are going to pass this jobs bill or I am going to rape you. You, listening to this now — you will be raped. You can try to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, but nothing will stop me from raping everyone if this bill isn’t passed.”

Again, why do we let these people walk the streets of our nation? Isn’t anyone watching them?

* Occupy Wall Street is still out there being angry at stuff, and they’re still working on exactly what that stuff is. Luckily, they now have a Demands Working Group to work on their demands. As part of that, they may have a discussion on what demands are… so once they figure what a demand is, I’m sure they’ll have lots of them.

Organizing hippies has to be like herding kittens… except kittens don’t smell so bad.

* Wisdom of the Day: “There should be a high-end steak house called Carl’s Sr.” -Dave Weigel

* Getting close to the time to really start pimping my new ebook Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

It now has an Amazon page ready for preorder (though, since it’s an ebook, it doesn’t make much difference if you preorder it or get it on the day it comes out — November 15th — same day as the new reading device the Kindle Fire). My book is also at all the other ebook sellers.

And it’s only $1.99.

Yes, it’s a short ebook. But you’ll get your $1.99 worth guaranteed. The part where I compare Obama to every previous president is worth the price of admission alone.

So everyone has to buy it. At $1.99, you have no excuse. If you’re rich enough to be reading this blog on some internet connected screen, then you’re rich enough to have $1.99. What is that; less than twenty minutes work at minimum wage? And you have between now and November 15th to save it up. So you will buy this book. No excuses.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, October 20, 2011 8:48 am

If you want to improve your lot in life, focus on your own income instead of someone else’s.

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Nuke the News: GOP Debate, Osama, and Picture with the First Lady

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 11:00 am

* I have a new Pajamas Media column on what Occupy Wall Street has to do before they have their Kent State moment. I mean, getting shot by the National Guard is always a good idea, but you have to do some prep work first.

* So there was a Republican debate in Las Vegas last night hosted by one of the two guys from Siegfried & Roy — no, wait, it was Anderson Cooper.

Okay, weirdest thing: Romney actually had a cheering section. Pretty much everywhere, people are just “meh” about Romney, but at this debate the crowd was cheering anything he said and booing quite legitimate attacks on him. I hear this is because Nevada has a large Mormon population and apparently they cheer on any Mormon even if he’s a weasel (or if he’s a decrepit husk of man, as that would explain how Reid keeps getting reelected). Anyway, it was very off-putting. And for some reason, with Romney having a favorable crowd, this was the debate the other candidates decided to really go after Romney. Man is that guy hard to nail down. They’ll hit him with a devastating point, and he’ll just deflect, go off on a tangent, or completely lie.

Well, I’m just griping; apparently it’s determined now he’s going to be our nominee. I will refuse to vote for him, though — but only because I’m in Idaho and it won’t matter.

Anyway, Perry was a bit more alert for this debate, but he always just seems to be treading the line between coherence and incoherence. And early on everyone gained up on Cain and his 9-9-9 plan giving him the image of being the front runner. And there were other people at the debate, but let’s stop pretending they’re important. Some people say they’d like to see Newt Gingrich in a debate with Obama, but I wasn’t impressed with how he stood up to Romney. He tried to attack Romney on the individual mandate, but Romney came back and said he got the idea from Gingrich and the Heritage Foundation. It’s like Gingrich came into Romney’s bedroom and found him working on an individual mandate and yelled, “Who taught you how to do this stuff?” And Romney screamed back, “From you, all right?! I learned it by watching you!” Parents who do social engineering have children who do social engineering.

So how much longer is all this going on? If Romney is going to be the nominee, let’s just the rip the band-aid and get this over with. It’s just the sitting here looking at the doctor hold the giant needle that’s killing me.

* Then again, Obama actually came out and specifically attacked Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan. Usually, the president would ignore anything he doesn’t consider a real threat, but then again Obama is kind of stupid and irritable. Still, getting attacked by the president gives Cain some more bona fides.

I keep thinking that because we all hate Romney, there has to be a way we can get another nominee, but I remember McCain in 2008. Oy. We Republicans.

* In defending Obama about being unprepared to be president, David Axelrod said, “So when you say he wasn’t prepared, maybe you should go ask Osama bin Laden if he thought he was.” Yeah, expect Osama to be trotted out a lot — it’s Obama’s one positive accomplishment he can point to.

“We don’t have jobs.”

“Well, know who also doesn’t have a job? Osama — because he’s dead!”

* Thieves stole Obama’s teleprompters. When reached for comment, Obama’s reaction was, “I don’t know what to say.”

* Wisdom of the Day: “You know whose opinion on Mormonism I’d like to hear? Jeremiah Wright.” -David Burge

* In case you want your picture taken with the First Lady, it costs $10,000. The fee is needed to make sure the First Lady is never pictured with poor people. They often tend to be obese.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 10:00 am

If we equally distributed all income in the world, we’d live on about $11,000 each. Huge deal if you’re a Somalian.

So how many more columns do I need to write before I can declare myself THE GREATEST WRITER OF OUR TIME?

Question: Did a third of the Tea Party say they supported violence for their cause?

Something about writing in all caps just leads to grammar errors.

Blog commenter jw: “Obama’s teleprompter was stolen, does that mean Biden is president?”

I still don’t understand what a trust fund is beyond that it’s a spoiled rich kid thing.

I got confused and I raged against Florence.

I don’t care for Herman Cain and his hippie electric fence idea; I want a good ole gasoline powered fence.

It’s high time for a darker, gritier Rainbow Brite reboot.

Perry does kind of sound like a Texan cartoon character.

Bachmann: “Looking at Obama’s plan, you’d think he was injected with Gardasil.”

Newt: “Where did you learn to do that?”
Romney: “I learned it by watching YOU!” #IndividualMandate

I think part of Texas’s illegal immigration problem is that it has a border with Mexico.

Where in the world did CNN find enthusiastic Romney supporters?

It’s pronounced “nu-clo-er”.

Rick Perry needs to leave the ball because at 9pm his brain turns back to a pumpkin.

I don’t negotiate with terrorists. If they’re all like “Don’t shoot me in the face!” I’m like “No!”

Paul: “I’d release all Gitmo prisoners and give them nuclear weapons and put them in your homes. Federal reserve!”

Paul: “Aid to Israel makes them dependent. Also, they’re Jews.”

So Mormons in Nevada will just enthusiastically support any Mormon? Explains Reid.

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lolbama! Part 74

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 6:20 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik (via Nice Deb):

From Arik:

From Basil:

From James:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[ref 1, ref 2]

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkims:

From Mrs C:

From Steve:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Russ:

From Russ:


I’m nominating Kris for a coveted Obscury for DemoGOG


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Electable Cain, Ron Paul Is a Phony, and Shrinking Animals

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 11:00 am

* New New York Post column by me on the Occupy Wall Street hippies. I thought this one was chock full of wisdom. What’s your favorite line from it? I think mine might have been:

“In fact, by looking at protest attendance, you might conclude that the most oppressed group in American society are white college students.”

* Obama says that the GOP wants “dirtier air, dirtier water, less people with health insurance.” He forgot to add that the GOP also wants thin mustaches to twirl as we laugh evilly.

You know, our tax dollars are paying for Obama to drive around in a bus and say things like that. Think of how much money we’d save if we made Obama just sit in a corner and think about what he’s done.

* According to a Rasmussen poll, Herman Cain leads Obama 43 to 41 percent in a head to head match up. That’s better than any of the other potential GOP candidates. That means to be a smart Republican, you have to support Herman Cain for president. Otherwise you’re a dumb extremist who doesn’t focus on electability.

* The Wall Street Journal interviewed 200 protesters at Zuccotti Park to find out what their beliefs are, and — surprise surprise — they’re extreme leftists whose views are counter to most Americans. Also, a third are for using violence to support their cause — I guess if they finally figure out what their cause is. Strangely, about half of them supported the Wall Street bailout. So they’re protesting Wall Street, but they’re okay with the government throwing hundreds of billions of our money at them. We better act like we understand that, or they may get violent towards us.

It really seems like this isn’t a protest against oppression, but a protest for more oppression — for more big government. Plus, they’re willing to be violent in support of it. It’s one of those days I’m happy we have the 2nd Amendment. Those days end in ‘y’.

* For the first time ever, 50% of those polled supported legalizing marijuana. I don’t see any other way to look at this than that president is driving people to do drugs. Good job, Mr. Sunshine.

* Images prove that Ron Paul wears eyebrow toupees.

Fake eyebrows for fake beliefs.

This makes him a huge hypocrite because EYEBROW TOUPEES ARE NOT MENTIONED IN THE CONSTITUTION!

* According to science — SCIENCE! — global warming is causing plants and animals to become smaller. That means in the future when an angry polar bear charges you, you’ll just be able to pick it up and chuck it away. Score another one for global warming and progress! Also, I wonder if this means I’ll soon be able to own a cute little redwood bonsai tree?

Hmm… I wonder if global warming is what caused Lilliput.

* Wisdom of the Day: “I’ve heard it said a monkey is 99% human. They are the 99%.” -Pastor Ed

* Here’s a neat link I got from zamoose: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Noses

“God is the artist. I just find the ninja turtle in his work.”

There is so much genius on the internet.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 8:58 am

Romney doesn’t have many supporters, but he’s got huge numbers of tolerators.

Could we get actual poor people from other countries to pester American poor to spread their wealth around?

Intrade still doesn’t give Herman Cain much of a chance. So when is the bottom supposed to fall out on him?

The U.S. has what? About 25% of the world’s wealth among 5% of the population? If that were equally distributed among the world, the OWS people would have less and be even more upset.

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Nuke the News: Presidential Solidarity with Violent, Anti-Semitic Mobs and the Racists’ Favorite – Cain

Monday, October 17, 2011 11:00 am

* Obama has started to use the Occupy Wall Street’s “99%” rhetoric in White House statements. Isn’t that great to know that president doesn’t stand for all Americans and is instead comfortable playing them against each other. And isn’t there just something a bit disturbing — maybe fascistic — about the president expressing solidarity with a violent, law-breaking mob? I’m not saying he’s going to start rounding up and executing the 1%… but Steve Jobs is already dead and who knows what the real story there.

Anyway, Obama should be more worried about 50% — a number he’s very unlikely to see vote for him in the next presidential election.

* BTW, in addition to Obama, the Nazis and Commies have joined up with OWS. Maybe they’ll help in giving OWS some more coherent demands.

Perhaps the 1% that OWS is screaming about is the Jewish population. Usually that’s rounded to 2%, but it doesn’t look like the group has a lot of math whizzes.

* Did we start another war over the weekend? Apparently, we’ve sent some troops to Uganda… just not very many of them. So now Obama hasn’t started less wars than Bush, he’s just started smaller ones.

Everyone seems to not like war, yet apparently he’s really hard to be president and not start new ones. I know I couldn’t do it. I mean, Canada is right there and filled with oil and ours for the taking!

* Apparently, Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan is sponsored by the new Sim City game, as it has a commercial tax, industrial tax, residential tax that the player can set and the default for all three is 9. I wish more liberals would play Sim City so they could at least first see in a virtual world what happens if you just raise taxes every time you want more revenue. In Sim City, eventually people leave your city if your taxes are too high and you ended up with stilted growth and less revenue. A great video game lesson. Also, it’s fun to have Godzilla attack your city.

* On MSNBC, Ed Schultz said that Herman Cain is using rhetoric to appeal to anti-black racists. I can see one minor flaw in that argument.

See, I told you that nothing — NOTHING — can stop the left from using the racist argument because that is absolutely all they have. Of course, it makes them look so dumb you kind of wonder if MSNBC hosts should wear helmets to keep from hurting themselves.

Interestingly, Schultz claimed that saying you were going to “break” someone is racist code language. So when Ivan Drago told Rocky that he must break him, it was actually a racist crack about Apollo. Extra subtext there.

Man, was Olbermann really the smart one?

* Obama is heading out on another bus tour. Because that’s the job of a president: To ride around on a bus and give completely useless speeches. Well, it is the absolute best Obama can do.

Obama is denying the trip is campaign related. Don’t you just love it how the president can casually lie to our faces like that as if we’re absolute morons. Of course, we Republicans can’t complain too much because we’re soon going to nominate Romney.

* Wisdom of the Day: “There is something delightful in the fact that the police are far more ethnically diverse than Occupy Wall Street.” -The Arquette Sisters

* Just in case you missed it, I had a column in the New York Post on Saturday. Also, my ebook, Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything, comes out November 15th. It will only be $1.99, so you’ll have no excuse not to buy it. It should be available for preorder soon on all the major book sites.

Isn’t it nice how I’m like a major writer yet I still make time to write blog post for you people? Still, my dream is to become a novelist, and I’m doing my best to eke out a little time to keep working on that. I’ve decided with my current novel project, I should get some people to read it and give high level opinions on it before I worry about doing the final editing. Don’t know if anyone would be interested in giving my SF novel a look, but anyone I send it to would have to be trusted. So probably not you guys. You creep me out sometimes.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, October 17, 2011 8:48 am

Basically everything bad the left pretended the Tea Party was is what Occupy Wall Street actually is. That’s why they call it “projection.”

When the left were claiming the Tea Party would become violent, they were saying, “That’s what we would do if we were in their place.”

“We may not have ended Wall Street greed, but we… kept a park from being cleaned.”

If you hold the book of Revelation upside down, Herman Cain’s tax plan is exactly what Dog warned us about.

Did we just start another war?

Okay, we’re not starting another war, we’re joining in a war someone else started. We’re just being neighborly.

Romney will have to be careful with attacks against Herman Cain because he doesn’t want to come off as anti-pizza.

We’re sending the troops in an advisor status? Usually our troops are advising the enemy to be dead.

John Carpenter’s The Thing is available on Netflix instant; just need to figure out how to convince SarahK to watch it.

Flamethrowers never really caught on as much as everyone thought they would.

I can spot one minor flaw in the argument that Cain is appealing to people racist against blacks.

There is absolutely nothing – NOTHING – that will stop the left from using the racism argument because that’s all they have.

The ‘R’ and ‘L’ have faded off my earbuds and now I can’t tell which is which. #FirstWorldProblems

I once punched a monkey in the face. I am the 1%.

I have beaten every Legend of Zelda released to a console. I am the 1%.

I once set a Teddy Ruxpin doll on fire. I am the 1%.

Someone said my column wasn’t funny and it hurt my feelings. Why do we let mean people on the internet?

My favorite search engine is Twitter because it’s the only one where I can input sarcastic rants to get results.

Tip for OWS: Make it the 98% against the rich 1%. Don’t ever talk about the missing 1%. Leave it a mystery.

Stupid Rangers. Two years in a row they’re causing my wife to force me to watch the World Series.

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The Week in Doug

Sunday, October 16, 2011 6:48 pm

From the audio files:

1) “…You don’t want to go into the voting booth and be forced to hold your nose. I read your emails. I see your calls. You’re looking for a candidate, like a marriage partner. A candidate in whom you have zero doubt…”

2) “…What happens if capitalism fails?…The simple fact of the matter is that capitalism – the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – this is the most successful system of any sort – politically, economically – that man has ever created…”

3) “…Of all the egregious things that this bunch [of liberals] do, their goal – to convert our schools into indoctrination centers for the left – is possibly the worst. They contaminate and poison the minds of our children against us. You see the evidence of that in these Wall Street characters…”

4) “…A politician is someone who will tell you anything you want to hear to get your vote… A leader will tell you what is best for the country, even if it hurts your feelings…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “Do you for one minute think that Herman Cain would surround himself with the sort of incompetent cabinet that Obama has?”

2) “It’s time for conservatives to talk about the ‘struggles.’ It’s time for conservatives to talk about things in a way that the left has talked about them – with passion, as activists.”

3) “These liberals and Democrats believe, as a religion, that a larger government, a more powerful government, a more controlling government is the primary means that will secure the realization of what they believe.”

4) “You’ve got Romney out there saying things that could have come out of Obama’s mouth. He doesn’t talk about junking the tax system, he doesn’t talk about dismantling the EPA. He doesn’t talk about anything that’s bold. He likes to tinker with the status quo.”

5) “Imagine if the Catholic Bishops had said ‘we’re going to take the $19 million and instead of spending it on stopping human trafficking, we’re going to use it to distribute free condoms.’ I guarantee Obama would make sure they had the money.”

6) “Obama keeps talking about sanctions against Iran. What are we going to threaten them with? Are we going to send them Obamacare?”

7) “The Iranians are not worried about this man-child Obama. They’re not worried that we have an adult, or mature, or significant violent response to their plot. They know the Community-Organizer-in-Chief won’t do that. The man-child in the White House says ‘come, let us all reason together, then we’ll grovel to you, and then I’ll bow to you.'”

8) “This Iranian scandal is just like Fast and Furious: arming our enemies with the hope that out of that they can gain some political advantage from the deaths that would occur.”

9) “Take Romney’s answers apart and distill them down to their bare essence and what are you left with? You’re left with just a lot of smooth answers. You’re left with putting ivy on a bad house to make it look good.”

10) “With 999, Herman Cain is saying ‘think boldly, don’t just reengineer the status-quo junk that we’ve got.’ I love that about him, and I think he’ll bring that kind of thinking to all kinds of areas, not just taxation.”

And that last is why I support Cain. He’s not a timid tinkerer seeking to be a slightly less expensive version of Obama. He’s Dr. House. He wants to cure the disease of liberalism, not just treat the symptoms.

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