Nuke the News: The Horrible Inevitable, Self-Reliance, and Victory on Guns

* So everyone says Herman Cain is supposed to fade and Romney is the inevitable nominee, and now Romney is ahead in the polls in the first four states of the primary. It’s just as foretold! We’re doomed!

How is it that the Republican presidential primary is set up so that we’re always stuck with a milquetoast, status quo nominee? We get right-wingers in the House and the Senate and as Governor but just can’t do it in presidential primaries. Whoever set up the Republican primary system must be some sort of RINO genius.

* Obama sure likes to reveal his complete disconnect from his fellow Americans at San Francisco fundraisers. Before the 2008 election, that’s where he talked about all the “bitter-clingers”, and now he went there to talk about the horrors of self-reliance. Yes, he considers self-reliance to be a bad thing and government reliance to be a good thing. Really, did the pilgrims come here because they were hoping to find a new government to take care of them? Did people head out West because they thought in that expanse they’d find a government to better protect them?

Not only is Obama completely incompetent, he doesn’t even have the slightest connection whatsoever with what this country is about. He’s not so much a bad president as he is an anti-president — opposed to everything an American president should be for.

When Obama is thrown out of office, for the millionth time in my adult life I will be proud of this country.

* Something is going on in Europe. I keep trying to read the article to find out what, but I can’t make myself care enough to pay attention because it’s about a bunch of foreign countries. Does that make me jingoistic? If it does, I don’t really care. But anyway, something is going on in Europe. Thought you should know.

* Look at this chart of opinion on the right to hand gun ownership over the past fifty years. Is there really any disputing that gun rights people have completely and utterly won this battle? Does anyone really think a stark trend like this that has been going on for fifty years can suddenly be reversed? Like do they think going around yelling, “Guns kill people!” is going to have any effect? “Oh? Really? They do? We totally missed that compelling argument over the past fifty years.”

Note to gun control people: It’s over. You get to go sit at the same table as racists. We’re not going back there.

Yay freedom.

* When asked, Michael Moore kept dodging the question of whether he’s in the top 1% in this country — even though it’s well known he is in both wealth and size.

Be extremely wary of anyone giving weaselly politician non-answers who is not a politician. Also, be wary of politicians.

Really, though, I have trouble understanding how anyone takes this guy seriously — and I’m very good at understanding most anything because I’m super smart. But this is beyond me. I don’t think there has been anyone in human history more obviously full of it than Michael Moore, and it’s incomprehensible that anyone who has something resembling human intelligence would look at him and say, “Here is someone with a genuine, useful point of view.”

But, hey, he makes lots of money. Go capitalism!

* The Democrats recall effort on Governor Walker isn’t going so great. But I thought there was huge outrage against him for taking on unions? Weren’t unions so popular… a hundred years ago?

Maybe unions will have a big comeback… along with the radio serial.

* Heh.

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Random Thoughts

Those aren’t grammar errors; they’re “colloquialisms”.

If I told my young self I’d be able to instantly download Aquaman comics to a digital reader, he’d say, “You’re a dork.”

Was at this big Idaho tech awards ceremony tonight (the governor was there). They came up with 7 new ways to use a potato.

Dress was formal, but I wore a bright red Hawaiian shirt. One day I want to be an eccentric millionaire, so I better start acting like one.

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Nuke the News: Differences of Tea Party and OWS, Correcting Obama, and Dinner Guests

* There’s a new New York Post column by me about those darn wealthiest 1%. I explain exactly how they hurt us and what must be done about them.

Let’s say you had two apples and another person — let’s call him “Rich” — also had two apples. If you then got one more apple and Rich got 80 more apples, would you now have more apples? No, you’d have fewer apples — fewer than that other guy who has an unfair number of apples!

* Tensions with the Occupy Wall Street are increasing. Now they’re clashing directly with police in Oakland with tear gas and beanbag rounds and everything. But it’s important that the OWS people stand their ground so they can… what is it they’re trying to do again?

I mean, the Tea Party would go, protest a few hours, and then leave — their point having been made — but OWS needs to go to a place and stay there and camp out until… something. Who knows what.

“We refuse to leave until we figure out what the hell it is we’re trying to do!”

* Anyway, so differences between Tea Party and OWS so far:

-Tea Party leaves after they make their point.
-Tea Party doesn’t clash with police.
-Tea Party actually knows what they’re about and can coherently explain it.
-Tea Party less than 90% about drum circles.

* So I noticed, along with his jobs bill, Obama has some new stuff he wants passed about mortgages and student loans. Why? What in his past history tells him that the solution to our current problems are a few more of his bills piddling around with things? Is Obama capable of learning? When Obama proposes another one of his silly little expensive bills that just exacerbate things, we need someone to smack him in the face with a rolled up newspaper and yell, “No!” Maybe if done enough times, that will sink in.

* Perry has had a run in with Birther issue. You notice how it’s now the left-wing media that’s working hard to bring that up and keep the issue alive. “Obama may be the most ineffective president in history, but you can’t elect those Republicans because they’re crazy people who don’t believe in birth certificates!”

* A poll says that out of the Republican candidates, people would most like to have dinner with Herman Cain. Probably because they figure he’ll bring free pizza.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Lindsay Lohan is going to pose nude in Playboy. Turns out she met Hef during her community service at the L.A. County Morgue.” –Joel McHale

* Pajamas Media has had a huge redesign and is now called PJ Media. I now have a cool new bio page, but the redesign has also caused all the Facebook likes to be reset on my columns. I had one with over 5,000 likes on it! (Frank J. Trivia: What was my most popular column?)

Anyway, I hope things work out well for Pajamas PJ Media. They’ve given me a great platform to get more exposure that directly led to me writing a book for HarperCollins and writing columns for the New York Post, and I hope I’ll still be writing lots of cool stuff for them far into the future.

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Random Thoughts

Apparently there is this new chap, Rick Perry, who has entered the presidential race. I wish him well.

Worst thing about PJM redesign: all the Facebook likes have been reset on my columns. I had 5000 on one of them!

Our inability to find a suitable Republican to be president other than Romney suggests we’re going about this all wrong.

I like my presidential robot to have its principles programmed in firmware, not software. Hard wired is even better.

If I were Tycho Brahe, my catchphrase would be, “Does this look like the mustache of a man who is joking?”

And whatever happened to giant frilly collars? How did that go out of style?

“Hundreds of years from now, someone will make fun of your mustache and instantly broadcast it to the entire world.” Oh, the wonders of our present age.

So when again is Herman Cain supposed to fade in the polls?

Just to be clear, that was a cigarette at the end of the Herman Cain ad and not a joint, right?

Can’t we all come together and blame all the country’s problems on hipsters? Even hipsters hate hipsters.

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lolterizt! Part 143

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Arik:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

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From Larsinkima:

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From Larsinkima:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From badmartin:

[reference link]

From Basil:

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From Bassguy:

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From Charles:

From CrustyB:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[ref 1, ref 2]

From Les of Brick Moon:

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From Les of Brick Moon:

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From MarkoMancuso:

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This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Ok, who gets the coveted Obscury this week? Nominees are:

1) Larsinkima for “Limb Kadiddlehopper”

2) Basil for “Daffy Duck”

3) Les for “El Kabong”

4) MarkoMancuso for “Jewskinner Blues”

Pipe up in the comments.

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: 20/20 vs. 9-9-9, Not Waiting, and What NASA Is Up To

* Rick Perry has now come up with a bold new tax plan filled with bold tax flavors. Instead of 9-9-9, we have 20/20 which is a 20% flat tax on income and a 20% corporate tax. Of course, those add up to 40, while Cain’s plan only adds up to 27… if that’s how you judge these things. I have no idea.

I do like the filing taxes on a postcard idea. That should stimulate the economy, though at the same time there will be a ton of job losses with IRS agents, tax accountants, and people who make income tax related software. Growing pains I guess.

Mitt Romney has offered no new tax plan — those are scary — but he will try and soothe the economy with his confident, presidential looking smile.

* Obama has a new simplistic slogan: “We can’t wait”. I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t that more of slogan for how most Americans are feeling for the 2012 opportunity to kick Obama out of office? Still, the White House is operating under the fantasy that there are people still out there expectantly waiting for Obama’s new plans. If there are, they’re probably restrained and under medication.

* Based on the economic forecast, it’s projected that Obama will get 43.5% of the vote. That’s probably not going to do it. Anyway, Science! made this prediction — just like it has for global warming — which means we can’t doubt it and there is no reason to even have the election unless we’re anti-science and so should probably just start moving Obama out now. Obama, your Hummel figurines are out on the curb.

* We’ve now witnessed one of the strangest sights ever in a political ad: A man smoking a cigarette. Yes, at the end of the Herman Cain ad, this man just casually puffs at a cigarette like that’s something people do. No shame whatsoever. It’s unprecedented.

I bet Obama is hoping the ad is successful, because then he’ll smoke all through his campaign ads. Since he can’t really make a positive ad for himself, he might as well use them as smoke breaks.

* So now that Qdaffy is gone, how much sharia do you want in Libya? A decent amount? A lot? Well, there’s going to be some. It may be a more moderate sharia, though, so instead of getting murdered for breaking stupid Islamic laws, you just get severely beaten or something. And they’re bringing back polygamy, so yay.

The countries in the Middle East seem kind of in a rut no matter what help they get, and I notice one common factor among all the troubled countries there. I’m going to be polite and not point it out, though.

* A 74-year-old grandma tried to sell a speck of a moon rock she had from her deceased, engineer husband, and NASA ended up capturing her in a sting where armed, flak-jacket wearing feds swooped in and dragged away the frightened old woman. So if you wondering what NASA is doing now that the space shuttle has been retired, they’re devoting all their resources to SCARING OLD LADIES. We really need to find those people some more space stuff to do.

* Netflix has lost 800,000 subscribers. That’s capitalism for you: You raise prices, people don’t like that. Good to know that’s still working.

* Onion article: “Mitt Romney’s Goal To Connect With One Voter By The Time This Is All Over.” I’m sure he’ll eventually excite one voter, but if you pull the lever excitedly or grudgingly, it still counts the same.

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Random Thoughts

We just need to create two Americas in two alternate universes: one for cons to run and one for libs. I call dibs on this universe.

In the other universe, Jrank F. writes serious, left-wing commentary and has a really patchy beard. He also has a daughter Cutterbup who is the ugliest child ever, and a wife KarahS who is nice and never nags.

In the other universe, a sincere but disheveled in appearance Ritt Momney is having trouble running against the eloquent Pick Rerry.

Herman Cain has hit the 9-9-9 point so hard that it’s exactly the same in both universes.

In the other universe, the only constants on the McDonald’s menu are the McRib sandwich and the Shamrock shake.

In the other universe, Qbama was too busy being productive in the private sector to ever run for office. Plus, he was born in Hawaii, which makes him a citizen of Japan and thus ineligible for the presidency.

My wife made me homemade cheesy biscuits! (gluten free)

Facebook Scrabble claimed that “tled” is a word. Google was unable to come up with what it means. Best guess is it’s what you are when you’re under the leadership of Mr. T, which makes it THE MOST AWESOME WORD EVER!

All these beards in baseball makes it hard to tell people apart.

“A MAN smoking a CIGARETTE?! My word! What a queer thing to see.”

SarahK was celebrating the Rangers win and then she suddenly took a puff of cigarette and blew the smoke at me. I was flabbergasted!

Are there other types of gasted you can be than the flabber kind?

After the smoking ad, Herman Cain has shot up on Intrade to having a 99% chance of winning the primary.

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Have you seen the new ad from the Herman Cain campaign?

[Direct link]

CBS calls it “bizarre” and notes that the ad is, currently, unlisted. Which means you can’t go to the Cain YouTube channel and find it unless you know where to look.

ABC takes the opportunity to run down a list of Cain campaign staff with “interesting” backgrounds.

The Atlantic asks, “For real?

Rather than go on, let me sum up the reaction: the ad generated a lot of criticism from people who already didn’t like Herman Cain.

I’m not a smoker, so it didn’t particularly appeal to me. But smokers don’t like being criticized, just like everybody else.

Obama smokes, but hides it. Cain’s campaign manager smokes, and posts it on YouTube.

I’m wondering how this is going to play out.

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Everybody is talking taxes. Okay, not everybody. But some of the major Republican candidates are.

Herman Cain has a plan … two actually … to remake the tax code. One is his 999 plan. If you keep reading about 999, though, you’ll see that the long-term plan is to convert to what some call the Fair Tax. 999 involves income, corporate, and sales tax. The Fair Tax is simply a national sales tax.

Now, Rick Perry has come out with his own plan: a 20% flat tax rate for everybody. It’s an income tax, not a sales tax.

Waste of time. And here’s why.

Changing the tax code won’t do any good if the government keeps spending. They want to talk income, when the problem is outgo.

“Captain Smith, the lookout has spotted an ice berg dead ahead!”

“Very good, Mister Murdoch. Have the deck chairs rearranged immediately!”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

If we don’t cut spending, then 999 will become 20-20-20, then 30-30-30, then 50-50-50, and so on. Or, Perry’s flat tax won’t be 20%. It’ll be 40%. Then 60% And so on.

We’ve got to cut spending. But that’s hard. We can’t handle hard. Never have been able to.

[Direct link]

Oh. Well, maybe we were able to do hard things. Maybe we still are. If we only decided to.

But if the whiney tittie babies that are occupying Wall Street, or sitting in the cabinet, or sitting in the Oval Office were around earlier in our nation’s history, things would be different. And not good different.

“Go to the moon? Imperialist! I’ll make a movie about it. Now give me a sandwich. Extra mayo.” — An nameless Hollywood filmmaker.

“You’ve brought us into this war under false pretenses. Germany didn’t attack us. Japan did! And that’s because of our support for Jews! We need to bring our troops home now!” — An unnamed Texas Congressman.

“That’s just like an evil Republican president. Next he’ll be using troops to seize property from people. What? He suspended habias corpus? Somebody needs to take Lincoln out.” — An unnamed Democrat

“Look at those awful Tea Partiers! It’s not safe to visit Boston Harbor any more. I tell you, they’re going to get violent one day!” — An unnamed government worker

The whiners and complainers need to shut the hell up. And we need to make some hard choices. It will be difficult, and hurt at times. But, like exercise, that’s when you know it’s working.

But, until we quit rearranging the deck chairs, we’re going to crash head on into that ice berg. Then, folks won’t be talking about pulling the car out of the ditch; they’ll be trying to get the ship off the bottom of the ocean.

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Let the Critiquing Begin!

I just emailed the first seven chapters of my novel to everyone who agreed to give it a look. If you didn’t receive them, then I must have accidentally overlooked you or didn’t have a valid email for you (when you comment, I’m the only one who sees your email). Thanks to everyone who is participating!

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