Archive for November, 2011

Nuke the News: Everyone Hates OWS, Debt for All, and Outsmarting San Franciscans

Wednesday, November 30, 2011 11:00 am

* More than 200 hundred arrested in peaceful sweep of Occupy LA. I’m not sure exactly what it proves that the Occupy movement keeps being successful in getting even the bluest cities to turn against them. Oh yes: It proves that everyone hates them.

* Obama is on the campaign trail pushing a payroll tax cut — trying to bribe us to reelect him with our money. But I thought we needed more revenue? Oh, we’re going to make it up by raising taxes on the rich. The successful in this country are the people who provided us with all the jobs and technology that led to our cushy lives we now have, yet they always end up the scapegoats. It’s like we have a goose that lays golden eggs, and any time things go wrong for us we punch it in the face.

* So I guess we’re helping out Europe financially. How can we do that when we’re deeply in debt? Are we just moving money from China to them? And does China really have all this excessive money to lend to everyone, or are they in debt too? Does anyone actually have this money to lend to anyone? I’m no economist, but I really think this system is going to one day collapse in an extremely spectacular fashion. Hopefully not while we’re around; maybe it will happen to our kids. That’ll teach those snots.

* The public is split on whether the OWS protesters should take a bath and get a job, with 43% agreeing with Gingrich’s statement and 43% disagreeing. I wonder how the polling would be if they broke out the two parts — like how many agree they should get baths and how many agree they should get jobs. And how many thinks they should get flea dips?

* McDonald’s has found a way around the San Francisco Happy Meal ban: give the toy in exchange for a ten cent donation to the Ronald McDonald house. That’s capitalism; it always finds a way. People think they can restrain it, but it’s like a force of nature — a life form that will strive in even the harshest conditions. Plus, a drunk squirrel could probably outsmart the people who make up San Francisco’s government.

* Wisdom of the Day: “With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can’t decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.” -Tim Siedell

* Looking to have an abortion? Don’t expect any help from your iPhone as Siri won’t come up with answers to questions like, “Where can I get an abortion?” So iPhone aren’t just the tech of the future, they preserve it too.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, November 30, 2011 9:23 am

If Cain drops out, which campaign do you think will be first to snatch up Mark Block?

I put tolerating the existence of Ted Kennedy as one of those things from past generations I don’t understand, like racism.

Someone just needs to go to Obama and say, “I tried playing the saxophone and wasn’t very good at it, you tried being president…”

Maybe Obama should promise to take president lessons three times a week.

Does the Constitution say anything about the president being alive? I really could go for another Coolidge term.

I don’t like politicians who think they’re better than us. Politicians should always be apologizing for pestering people who do real work

I don’t know what Newt’s chances would be in the general election, but he would be a fun nominee for all involved.

So we can’t get into space anymore. Airlines are going bankrupt, so soon we won’t be able to fly. Gas prices and regulations will probably eventually keep us from driving. I don’t like horses.

Buttercup is very advanced for her age at kazoo usage.

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lolbama! Part 77

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 7:38 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Ed the Pastor:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From James:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Kris:

From me (Harvey):

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

From Peregrine John:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Col Bunny:

From James:

From Kris:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


I’d say Ed the Pastor, with honorable mention to Kris for “Over, under, in and out.”

What say you?


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Barney Frank Gone, More Bad Ratings, and Greens Burning Down the House

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 11:00 am

* I have a New York Post column with the only workable plan to reduce government spending: a masked vigilante. It may seem ridiculous, but no one else has a workable solution and we need to do something.

We talk grimly about leaving all that debt to our children, but I don’t think many of us fully realize how horrible it would be. We probably have in the back of our minds: “Children today receive much more expensive educations than we did, so they’ll be better able to figure things out.” But when it’s up to our children and our children’s children to cut spending, guess what they’ll conclude? “Hey, here’s a great way to reduce costs: Take all those old people who left us trillions and trillions in debt and throw them out in the street.”

* So we’re finally getting rid of Barney Frank, as it ends up the only reason such a horrible, horrible congressman could stay in office was very precise gerrymandering and now his district is getting changed. Can we do anything about the awful people who kept reelecting them, though. Can’t we publicly shame them. I want their names printed in registries like sex offenders.

With the economy in complete shambles, someone suggested Barney should hang up a “Mission Accomplished” banner as he leaves. Really, the only just end is for him to go to prison and have all his fortune confiscated, but at least he’ll be gone.

* Apparently the British embassy in Tehran is being stormed. I know if I lived in a horrible oppressive country like Iran whose government kept everyone backwards, the one thing I’d be really mad at would be… the British.

As I’ve said before, the problem in the Middle East isn’t that everyone is too angry — because there is a lot to be angry at there — they’re just never angry at the right things.

* Fitch Rating is keeping America at a AAA status, but changed our outlook to negative and expect to reduce our rating because we can’t do any actual spending cuts. Hopefully they’ll reduce our credit rating soon so Barney Frank can add that to his resume.

* In a book review about the KKK in the New York Times, it was slipped in how the Tea Party is like the KKK because… who knows. You’d think if the person paid attention to the book, he’d notice all the similarities between the KKK and the New York Times editorial board. Like the KKK, the New York Times is made up of people of dying cultural significance who cling to the past and try to prop themselves up by their views that others are inferior. The KKK held the evidence-less view that blacks are inferior to keep their worldview, while the New York Times holds the evidence-less view that conservatives are violent and racist so they don’t have to change their worldview. Also, both are predominantly white.

* More trouble for Cain. If they’re all false accusers, he certainly has a lot of them. Of course, we all know Newt had an affair, but there’s no denying there. Well, maybe it’s all nothing… but it’s certainly a lot of nothing and hasn’t helped with other Cain concerns such as foreign affairs. Maybe Cain would be good in the cabinet though — but everyone would probably expect him to bring pizza to every cabinet meeting. They don’t give him free pizza anymore, so that’s unreasonable.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Herman Cain has now denied more sex than I’ve had.” -Josh Malina

* Really detracting from the green-ness of the Chevy Volt is how it might burn your house down. Do you know the carbon footprint on that? It’s not good. But think of how much you’ll save on gas by no longer having a home to drive to!

What I want to know is how do you take the explosive fuel out of a car and make it more flammable? Genius engineering, that’s how. Good job, government motors!

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 9:24 am

Got a bad review from someone who didn’t understand my book is satire. I can only throw you so much rope.

If you’re constantly at elite cocktails parties – so elite you’re the only one there – you might not be a RINO but an alcoholic.

Chevy Volt engineering: They took the explosive fuel out of the car and yet somehow made it more flammable.

Half the time spent creating an O’Reilly tech book is used arguing which animal to put on the cover.

I sure am glad I have such a nice country to complain about.

I think outside the box. And then I cut a door hole in the box, make into a fort, and pretend I’m a pirate.

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Nuke the News: Newt Surge, Obama’s Toughest Critic, and They’re Coming for the Fat Kids

Monday, November 28, 2011 11:00 am

* In case you haven’t seen it yet, I was on Instavision with Glenn Reynolds:

I still have a lot of room for improvement in interviews, but I feel like I’m at least moving in the right direction. And, BTW, buy my book.

* NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWT!

Gingrich got a major newspaper endorsement in New Hampshire (which apparently actually means something there) and now he’s surged on Intrade to over a 20% chance of getting the nomination.

Now, I know we’re all desperate for a not-Romney, but I wonder if he’s the one we really want. He’s got baggage in his past, and you just know in his arrogance he’s going to say things that will anger us and things that anger everyone else. Then again, he does have a record from being Speaker of getting significant legislation through that actually leads to real change — i.e., I’d have more hope of useful things happening during his presidency than Romney’s.

But I’m starting to get kind of worried of how mad will Romney be if he isn’t nominated. We hear over and over how he’s the smart reasonable choice, so will he turn on us if we reject because we just don’t like him? I mean, could he just as easily go from liberal to conservative and back to liberal?

* Speaking of going liberal, David Frum is threatening to leave the Republican Party if we don’t nominate Romney or Huntsman. Didn’t we kick that twerp out?

There seems to be a cottage industry of useless idiots decrying how dumb and unreasonable everyone is in the Republican Party other than them. Of course, these people never have any solution for how to do things such as get real reductions in spending; they just like patting themselves on the back. It’s very masturbatory, and really shouldn’t be encouraged in public.

* Politico has up a story on how Obama’s toughest critic is himself… which is hard to believe since he hasn’t committed seppuku. If Obama ritually disembowled himself, do you know what I’d say? I’d say, “I misjudged him. I thought he was completely out of touch, but now I see he shares some of my own beliefs.”

* More ClimateGate emails have come out about the manipulation of global warming data to make it look like the science is “settled”. We really need to reverse this almost religious reverence some people have for scientists. If you put a white lab coat on an idiot, you don’t get an infallible sage — you just get an idiot with more pockets.

* Wisdom of the Day: “When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple ‘calm down’ in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.” -Bryan Donaldson

* It’s happening. The U.S. government is confiscating fat kids. With us already so much in debt, how are we going to feed all these government-held obese children? And pay for chair repairs?

Anyway, now you have something to help get your kids to eat their vegetable. “You have to eat healthy or you’ll become fat and the government will take you away. It’s true. I can just leave you on the curb Monday; that’s when the government picks up fat kids.”

* It’s an early Festivus miracle!

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Random Thoughts

Monday, November 28, 2011 9:19 am

I always thought Huntsman would be a really good candidate if he weren’t so awful.

“I’ve reexamined the evidence, and THIS TURKEY MUST DIE!” -me as president

Is Intrade right that there’s a 6% chance of Ron Paul being our nominee? That’s like hearing we have a 6% chance of being nuked.

Shouldn’t the makers of Laffy Taffy also start making LOL-ipops?

What’s the whole Ron Paul EVOL thing? I tried googling it, but all I found out is that he doesn’t believe in evolution.

Hearing people gripe about Walking Dead season 2 is apparently more entertaining that watching it.

We have a bunch of bad choices for the GOP nomination. On the other hand, the Democrats have only one horrible choice.

A good way to help people be thankful for the holidays is to trick them into thinking their family died.

LL Cool J was always getting annoyed by his tagalong brother LL Nerd J.

To encourage college football players to study, the extra point after a touchdown should be given based on quiz questions.

Maybe those Black Friday shoppers can pick up cheap laptops so next year they can just shop online like civilized man.

My student loan is finally paid off. Now no one can repossess my college education.

I did think the Martin Van Buren part of my book was a nice mix of obscure comic book humor with obscure historical humor.

The toucan is closely related to the pecan.

It makes me feel like an unsophisticated TV viewer that I still enjoy House. I mean the formula is so tired now, but I still really enjoy House being mean to everyone.

If Romney doesn’t win the nomination, he’s going to be real mad at us.

I get angry at the dog for bumping into things, but I guess few animals in the wild have to worry about knocking stuff over.

If Obama were his own toughest critic, he would have committed seppuku by now.

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The Week in Doug

Sunday, November 27, 2011 7:54 pm

Doug had a bunch of days off in the last couple weeks, so that’s why I didn’t post last week.

In other news, Westwood One, the company that got Doug’s show produced in the first place, was purchased by media conglomerate Dial Global, who has chosen not to renew Doug’s contract. The show ends production sometime in the next 3 or 4 weeks. I don’t have a specific end date yet.

As for me, Dial will likely shuffle me off to one of its other programs to do web work. No word on what that might be, yet.

Meanwhile, enjoy the Douggy goodness while it lasts.

From the audio files:

1) “…First thing that’s going to happen [on election day 2012] is the paper-shredders in Washington are going to start revving up… The second thing that’s going to happen is a lame duck President, like Obama… he will inflict as much damage as fast as he can…”

2) “…[Obama's Thanksgiving] remarks were completely void of any religious references, although Thanksgiving is a holiday that traditionally is steeped in giving thanks and praise to God…”

3) “…I do not know why everyone except for the President does not fly commercial. If it’s good enough for you and me… if it’s safe enough, then why the heck aren’t they doing it?…”

4) “…The Supreme Court is reviewing Obamacare… Some people on the left – the Obama White House possibly amongst them – believe that this situation is a win-win for Obama…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “The gloves are off. We have a choice in 2012. We can choose to be a country of economic growth, employment, low taxes, and low debt. Or you can vote for liberals, and if they win, we can continue down the road of economic stagnation, unemployment, food stamps, high taxes, and high debt.”

2) “The Thanksgiving holiday is a symbol of the fact that consumption is the result and reward of production. Sadly, in Europe they don’t have anything like this, as either a holiday or an idea.”

3) “When Obama hears the word ‘Thanksgiving,’ he thinks it’s a national holiday for people to give thanks to him.”

4) “Obama’s is trying to run on all kinds of different things. He’s operating on what I call the ‘spaghetti theory’ – you throw a plate of spaghetti against the wall and you see what sticks. Because he’s got nothing to run on because he can’t run on his record.”

5) “I suspect that Mitt Romney’s hairstyle represents the most consistent view he’s ever had.”

6) “This super committee failure is deliberate campaign politics. Obama’s rotten economy, his rotten performance on jobs, is something he wants to run on as if it were the Republicans all along, for the past three years, who’ve stood in the way of him making the economy recover.”

7) “We are watching right now the fight for communism to succeed at the world’s dominant power, which defies logic. Because it’s deadly, it’s violent, it has nothing attractive about it other than the vanity of the human beings involved in it.”

8) “Obamacare is 2700 pages long. It’s indecipherable. It’s complicated to a degree that it is hard for the average person to even fathom it. And this severs the link between law and the average citizen. It makes it impossible for the law to be something that the citizenry can even know or understand to any reasonable degree.”

9) “I’m not against hospice care. What I’m against is the way Obamacare pushes doctors to use it as execution care.”

10) Obama talks about America as if he’s some outside observer, like some outside commentator. Every time Obama talks about Americans, he exclusively talks about them in trite, condescending stereotypes, almost as if everything he knows about America and Americans were something he learned second-hand.”

I know it’s a cliche to quote “Atlas Shrugged” in relation to the Obama administration, but #8 puts me in mind of this paragraph on the REAL reason for passing abominable laws like Obamacare (emphasis added):

“Did you really think that we want those laws to be observed?” said Dr. Ferris. “We want them broken. You’d better get it straight that it’s not a bunch of boy scouts you’re up against – then you’ll know that this is not the age for beautiful gestures. We’re after power and we mean it. You fellows were pikers, but we know the real trick, and you’d better get wise to it. There’s no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren’t enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws. Who wants a nation of law-abiding citizens? What’s there in that for anyone? But just pass the kind of laws that can neither be observed nor enforced nor objectively interpreted – and you create a nation of law-breakers – and then you cash in on guilt. Now that’s the system, Mr. Rearden, that’s the game, and once you understand it, you’ll be much easier to deal with.”

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Frank J. Meets the Puppyblender

Saturday, November 26, 2011 10:26 am

Here is my interview with Glenn Reynolds for PJTV. So how did I do? Am I ready to be a FOX News commentator yet?

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Discounting Obama

Saturday, November 26, 2011 8:40 am

Did you miss the sale? Obama was on sale yesterday.

Why?

There are several possible reasons. One is: Barack Obama is racist.

After all, it was on Black Friday that they put a black man on sale. That’s gotta be racist, right?

There’s another reason: It’s a going-out-of-business sale.

That’s the one I’m banking on.

So, don’t worry. If you missed getting a discount on Barack Obama merchandise, you’ll get another chance. Come November, they’ll start marking down stuff to ridiculously low prices. Because, by January 20, 2013, everything must go.

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Who’s gonna lose, week 13

Saturday, November 26, 2011 7:37 am

It’s finally here. The last week of the 2011 college football season. Unless you count games played next week. And the week after.

So, in a sport where teams at the highest level play 12 regular season games, we’re at week 13, with more ahead of us.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those that love college football, those that would rather go shopping, and those that understand why the Big Ten has 12 teams while the Big 12 has ten teams.

If you’re not one of those, you may want to skip ahead to something else. Frank will get up soon, see another post about football, then write something about a book he’s hawking, so you have that to look forward to.
(more…)

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African-American Friday

Friday, November 25, 2011 10:10 am

Today is what used to be called “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving, and one of the busiest shopping days of the year.

The origin of the term is in dispute. It’s commonly thought of as the day that helps retailers go “in the black” (turn a profit) because of the large volume of sales. Early references, however, indicate that the term was coined by transit drivers to refer to troublesome traffic because of the large amount of shoppers’ traffic.

Whatever the origin, it’s become a good thing, with the sales/profit aspect being most common in people’s thoughts.

But, can we still call it “Black Friday?” Isn’t that racist?

You see, sales and profit are hallmarks of capitalism. And capitalism is supported by conservatives — even by conservatives that don’t know they’re conservative. And, since capitalism is tied to conservatives, it must be racist. So, “Black Friday” is racist.

How do we fix it?

Easy. Call it “African-American Friday.”

I know. You’re saying, “That’s stupid.” And, you’d be right. But it’s no more stupid than calling blacks “African-American.” For example, what about Naomi Campbell? Or Lennox Lewis? Or Robin Szolkowy? You can’t call them “African-American.” Unless you’re that CNN anchor who I heard call a Black Briton an “African-American Briton” before stammering slightly and continuing on with the story.

Okay, okay, enough with the logic. On with the show.

Today is “African-American Friday.” Grab your Led Zeppelin IV, throw it in your car stereo, crank up “African-American Dog” and go shopping. You may have someone on your Christmas list who wants a new “African-American & Decker” power tool, so be sure to stop by the hardware store. And, don’t forget college football this weekend. It’s rivalry week, and one of the games in the SEC will be the Bulldogs from Mississippi State hosting the Ole Miss “African-American Bears.”

But, I’m sure there are many other ways to celebrate “African-American Friday.” Find an appropriate way.

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Thanksgiving 2011

Thursday, November 24, 2011 7:17 am

The first presidential Thanksgiving proclamation was issued by the first president, George Washington, in 1789:

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – A PROCLAMATION

Whereas it is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and humbly to implore his protection and favor – and Whereas both Houses of Congress have by their joint Committee requested me “to recommend to the People of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness.”

Now therefore I do recommend and assign Thursday the 26th day of November next to be devoted by the People of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being, who is the beneficent Author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be – That we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks – for His kind care and protection of the People of this country previous to their becoming a Nation – for the signal and manifold mercies, and the favorable interpositions of His providence, which we experienced in the course and conclusion of the late war –for the great degree of tranquillity, union, and plenty, which we have since enjoyed – for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national One now lately instituted, for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and in general for all the great and various favors which He hath been pleased to confer upon us.

And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions – to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually – to render our national government a blessing to all the People, by constantly being a government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed – to protect and guide all Sovereigns and Nations (especially such as have shewn kindness unto us) and to bless them with good government, peace, and concord – To promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and Us – and generally to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand at the City of New York the third day of October in the year of our Lord 1789.

GO. WASHINGTON.

On this Thanksgiving Day, we hope you will take the time to consider the blessings that you have received, to give thanks for those blessings, and that you may be an instrument of blessing to others.

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Nuke the News: Huntsman Surge(?), Obama Devil Worshiper, and Turkey Threat

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 11:00 am

* Hey, there is a story about me and my book in Politico (including some clips from the Michael Medved Show). Read it and pass it around since it’s important news.

BTW, I’m going to be interviewed by Glenn Reynolds today for his PJTV show. That’s right: Frank J. and the puppy blender head to head for the first time!

* So the Republicans had their 832nd debate on CNN last night. It was actually pretty good without anything too significant happening, though. Probably most of note was how Gingrich went all amnesty when talking about illegal aliens, but didn’t step in it as much as Perry. Also, Huntman finally sounded pretty decent on a few issues and now he’s surged to third on Intrade. The guy has a pretty good resume, he just doesn’t seem to like Republicans or know how to talk to them. But maybe he’s figuring it out. He’s Mormon like Mitt Romney, but still isn’t Mitt Romney so he has that going for him.

I think all the candidates have done enough talking by now. When is the physical challenge?

* Obama says his religious faith gives him hope that Republicans will raise taxes. Man, we’ve heard all these Muslim rumors about him, but it ends up the dude is a devil worshiper!

Notice with all the plagues God inflicted on Egypt, even He didn’t raise their taxes.

* Obama told Occupy protesters that “You are the reason I ran for office.” So Obama ran so that smelly, violent hippies could block people from work for incoherent reasons while pooping on each other. Some thought Obama was a sleeper Muslim terrorist out to destroy our country, but terrorists just aren’t that creative.

* The DHS has issued a warning about deep frying turkeys. Deep frying a whole turkey is pretty dangerous. I think it’s estimated that when you deep fry a turkey, you have about a one in three chance of burning down your house and maybe about a one in six chance of destroying everyone you love or care about. So well worth the risk if you’ve ever tasted it.

* Ominous news for Obama at Cafepress: Sales of anti-Obama merchandise outpace pro-Obama merchandise 79% to 21%. Also, sales of ebooks making fun of him are up a startling amount.

Maybe Obama just needs better merchandise. I know: The Official Obama 2012 Turkey Deep Fryer!

* Wisdom of the Day: “Just because I have a windowless van does not mean I’m a child predator. It’s just a horrible coincidence.” -senderblock23

* Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I have a lot to be thankful for lately, and am quite thankful for all the support of you loyal IMAO readers. You guys are the best!

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 9:26 am

Obama has religious faith that taxes will be raised? I’ve heard Muslim rumors about him, but never devil worshipper.

So is the root of all evil the Koch brothers or Grover Norquist? Liberalism isn’t nuanced enough to have two Satans at a time.

Deep fried turkeys are awesome, but you have about a 1 in 3 chance of burning down your house.

Question for debate: “Are deep fried turkeys worth the risk?” Anyone who answers no should be immediately escorted to Canada.

When weighing the risks of deep frying a turkey, remember that your house is insured.

“Sit down and close your eyes; I have a surprise for you. Now open them.” -cop about to pepper spray a protester

“Why did you pepper spray him?”
“Because he said, ‘Don’t taze me, bro!'”

I just can’t believe those protesters braved pepper spray for their cause of… what are they trying to achieve again?

It’s a shame what’s happened to the Republicans; Lincoln wouldn’t be elected by today’s GOP. Because he’s too racist.

Didn’t know there is children’s NyQuil. Slogan: “Shut them up so you can get some sleep.”

Interesting idea for Republican debate: Out on stage sits a hippie. Near him, a can of pepper spray. And then we see what happens.

Who is Ron Paul? Will someone from the internet tell me about Ron Paul?

I don’t know who I’d pick if I had a choice between Willard and Mitt.

My thought on Huntsman: How can a man fix this country if he can’t even control his own eyebrows?

My solution for the Patriot Act is to rename it something less Orwellian.

“I’m David Koch from the Koch Foundation. My question: Will you do my bidding?”

“We’ve taken out Al Qaeda and now need to take on the new threat, Ed Qaeda.”

What’s the difference between being a commander and being a chief?

Isn’t anyone going to point out the main problem with the Middle East: Too many Muslims! Like way more than we have here! Also, not enough Jews.

So are we ever going to have a Republican debate without the sideshows? When do people get voted off the island?

Did they test each audience member to make sure they’re real Republicans? Like make them pepper spray a hippie before they can come in?

“I will use any excuse whatsoever to attack Iran.”

Hermain Cain: “Well, if they don’t have nukes yet, can’t we just nuke them ourselves and get away with it or am I missing something?”

CW seems to be that Republicans sound dumb, Democrats are dumb.

We could intimidate Iran by making a new more powerful nuke: The Triple Nuke. Three nukes tied together.

Why don’t they just refer to Obama as “the useless twerp.” Is that not considered respectful or something?

As I said before, we need to send out letters to all five year olds informing them not to expect Social Security and Medicare.

Ron Paul: “And I will exile Coke and Pepsi to end the cola wars.”

Ron Paul: “Let’s face it: Kids love heroin.”

I’m a little biased on the deportation issue since my company manufactures the Mexi-cannon™.

Won’t anyone just come out and say, “I want a permanent underclass who will do my yard work cheaply”?

Magnets on the border sounds like part of some cruel new fence scheme by Herman Cain.

Here’s my compromise: Amnesty, but we get rid of all entitlements so we don’t have to worry about anyone costing us anything.

I’d drink a bottle of water labeled “Persian Spring” but not “Arab Spring”.

Wait, how did we defeat the Ottoman Empire? Can we use that on Iran?

Ron Paul plans to crash the moon into America in “Hide Country Under Giant Rock” strategy.

Ron Paul: “And when we invaded the moon, did we ever think about how we were inviting the wrath of the moon men?”

They really didn’t ask enough questions in the debate about up and coming political humor authors.

Children are so stupid. Buttercup uses the word “ball” for any sphere, whether it’s meant to be a ball or not. I really should have taught her “sphere” first so she’d embarrass me less.

Taught her the dog’s name is Rowdi, so she call all animals “Rowie”. With next kid, I’ll say of the dog, “This is a mammal.” Right now, she points at a koala and says, “Rowie!” Next will point and say, “Mammal!” and look like a genius.

Only teach babies general terms so they won’t misapply them. Don’t teach “square”, “circle”, “triangle”; teach “two dimensional object”.

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America’s greatest threat

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 6:45 am

What’s the greatest threat facing America today?

Turkey.

Not the country, the bird. And not just the bird, but the dead bird.

The Department of Homeland Security tweeted on Monday how dangerous it can be to fry a turkey.

And, in case you thought that someone left their computer unlocked and somebody tweeted it as a joke, they also put up a blog post about it.

The Department of Homeland Security, that great arm of Big Brother, knows that Islamic terrorists aren’t so much of a threat. Sure, they want to kill us, but that’s our fault. Just ask Ron Paul.

After flirting with the idea that right wingers were a threat — not because of things they’ve done, but because there’s the possibility that some right-winger might do something… Left-wing violence was never an issue. Sure, they’ve been shooting Congresswomen and crashing planes into buildings and raping hippies, but that’s actual violence. The real threat has always been potential violence. Since the left has actual violence, and the right has potential violence, the right must be a bigger threat.

Until now.

As DHS has so kindly informed us, the real threat is dead turkeys. They’re evil. So evil, that after they’re dead and frozen, they’ll still try to burn down your house.

So, as we approach Thanksgiving, be thankful that we have a government department that wants to protect us from turkeys.

Now, if we can only find someone to protect us from the turkeys at DHS.

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lolterizt! Part 145

Tuesday, November 22, 2011 5:18 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

From James:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[ref 1, ref 2]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Les of Brick Moon:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


Gotta go to Les for mentioning a book so obscure I couldn’t even find a reference link for it. I suspect he probably just made it up.


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Bad Boy Mitt, Right Wing Violence, and Boo-ama

Tuesday, November 22, 2011 11:00 am

* I put up my interview with Michael Medved in which I argue that Obama is a demigod with angry callers. Don’t miss it.

* Some cracks are starting to appear in Romney’s perfect veneer. Ends up as a teenager, he tried a cigarette and tasted beer. Dude was crazy. What he didn’t do as a teenager, though, was create a giant new government health care program with unconstitutional mandates. No teenager is that irresponsible.

* Michael Moore likened the UC Davis pepper spraying incident to Tiananmen Square and vowed to eat a whole roast pig in solidarity. It is pretty similar as in Tiananmen Square students were protesting for democracy and were threatened with tanks. At UC Davis, students were protesting — whatever it is OWS is about — and were threatened with an eye irritant.

In defense of the police at UC Davis, though, peaceful protesters are a lot easier to hit accurately with that stuff.

* Frank Rich tried to link JFK’s assassin — a guy who defected to the Soviet Union — to the right wing. Maybe the easiest thing for the left to do is declare violence to always be a right wing act so anyone who is ever violent is by definition right wing. Then we can call Bill Ayers Obama’s right wing friend.

* I have a solution for the super committee’s failure: We take all the Congressmen who don’t want to cut spending, seal them in metal boxes, and throw those boxes in the ocean. Actually, I don’t know if that solves anything; it just seems like a really good idea.

* Michelle Obama was booed at a NASCAR race. No update yet on her proud of America status.

* Some Democrat pollsters are saying that Obama should step aside and let Hillary run for president. Few Democrats want to come out and say what they know in their hearts: Obama just isn’t very good at being president. Would Hillary be a better president? We can’t say for certain, but she is someone other than Obama so there’s at least a 90% chance she would be.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Whenever I address Frank at home now, he won’t answer unless I call him ‘Bestselling Author Frank J. Fleming, sir.’ So it’s quiet.” -SarahK

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, November 22, 2011 9:09 am

Dang it. Bill Maher’s book somehow had a surge and got past me. This isn’t over.

If you’re wondering when my relentless book pimping will end, it’s Wednesday. That’s when Amazon says I’ll get the new Zelda game.

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Me on the Michael Medved Show

Monday, November 21, 2011 7:17 pm

Here is the audio of me on the Michael Medved show. Enjoy and don’t feed the beast.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

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