America’s greatest threat

Posted on November 23, 2011 6:45 am

What’s the greatest threat facing America today?

Turkey.

Not the country, the bird. And not just the bird, but the dead bird.

The Department of Homeland Security tweeted on Monday how dangerous it can be to fry a turkey.

And, in case you thought that someone left their computer unlocked and somebody tweeted it as a joke, they also put up a blog post about it.

The Department of Homeland Security, that great arm of Big Brother, knows that Islamic terrorists aren’t so much of a threat. Sure, they want to kill us, but that’s our fault. Just ask Ron Paul.

After flirting with the idea that right wingers were a threat — not because of things they’ve done, but because there’s the possibility that some right-winger might do something… Left-wing violence was never an issue. Sure, they’ve been shooting Congresswomen and crashing planes into buildings and raping hippies, but that’s actual violence. The real threat has always been potential violence. Since the left has actual violence, and the right has potential violence, the right must be a bigger threat.

Until now.

As DHS has so kindly informed us, the real threat is dead turkeys. They’re evil. So evil, that after they’re dead and frozen, they’ll still try to burn down your house.

So, as we approach Thanksgiving, be thankful that we have a government department that wants to protect us from turkeys.

Now, if we can only find someone to protect us from the turkeys at DHS.

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15 Responses to “America’s greatest threat”

  1. Mxymaster says:

    I agree with the DHS, and am so glad that they are doing what the USDA and the FDA and the HHS and the CDC and the LMNOP will not, and address the issue of dead turkey danger. Personally I will be doing my level best to rid the world of one dangerous dead turkey tomorrow night, along with his succulent and sweet accomplices. To the forks!

  2. zzyzx says:

    Your attitude has been noted Basil! We’ve got our eye on you!……….Big Sister

  3. Conservatarian says:

    It’s time for a rebellion in this country! I for one will fry 2 turkeys this year! Then on Friday I will do the unthinkable: Reheat that big pot of peanut oil and fry a bunch of chicken wings!

  4. storm1911 says:

    These dead turkeys and their fryers are such a threat to our safety and security we should put them to good use…guarding the border. A Mexican druglord or Islamic terrorist has no hope against a dead turkey armed with a fryer.

    Maybe DHS is protecting Michael Moore. He ia a big fat turkey and would cause a horrific grease fire if lowered into a turkey fryer.

  5. DamnCat says:

    May they roast in Hell!* Damned terrorist turkeys!

    *I’ve named my oven “Hell”.

  6. Jimmy says:

    How many of us would gladly give the bird to Big Sis’ ?

  7. Rayfan87 says:

    Deep frying a turkey is only dangerous to those who don’t understand basic physics, like lefties.

  8. IMAO » Blog Archive » Nuke the News: Huntsman Surge(?), Obama Devil Worshiper, and Turkey Threat links:

    [...] The DHS has issued a warning about deep frying turkeys. Deep frying a whole turkey is pretty dangerous. I think it’s estimated that when you deep [...]

  9. Fly says:

    Heed their experience, gentlemen! Clearly, someone in charge at DHS has a hole in their ceiling about the size of a frozen turkey.

    But are they doing enough against this vile menace? Never! DHS must begin monitoring vegetable oil sales for suspicious large volume purchases. Who needs 2 gallons of canola oil? Certainly not your average law abiding citizen.

  10. Larsinkima says:

    So evil, that after they’re dead and frozen, they’ll still try to burn down your house.

    Surely it’s our houses fault for messing with their country, Turkey.

  11. Son of Bob says:

    Well, since Janet Napolitano and Michelle Obama are glowing examples of good health, we should heed their warnings. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was sure to get my request for dessert in early…not for them to send me dessert, mind you, but my request to be allowed to eat some. You know how our dear leaders get when we try to choose which foods we want to eat or how we want to spend our money without first getting their permission.

  12. Critter says:

    I own a large capacity fryer (still legal in Red states) and will do great execution among the dreaded turkeys on Thursday.

  13. Jimmy says:

    You know, it’s not that you love turkeys… it’s the kind of turkeys you love.

    I live mine on a stick.

  14. Supertink says:

    I’m not worried about the dead turkey threat. I have an oven, knife, and forks.
    I am concerned about tofurkeys though. Foul non-beasts.

  15. Richard Turner says:

    They are just terrified that we might fry turkeys because they are the biggest turkeys around.

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