Nuke the News: Obama Unprepared, Canada Pollutes, and I Protest the Person of the Year

Posted on December 14, 2011 11:00 am

* Obama said he didn’t know how bad the economic crisis was before he took office. So basically he’s saying he was unprepared to be president, to which the American people respond with a resounding, “Duh.”

Remember his whole, “My stimulus will keep unemployment from going above 8%!” Yep, no idea what he was talking about. Is he going to claim he understand things now? Does he have any actions to prove that? No, just more spending proposals… the same as when he claims he was clueless.

We should really just give the guy a bright red ball to play with until we get the next president.

* Canada has pulled out of the Kyoto Treaty. I thought they were supposed to be our moral superiors? But now that we have a European country leaving the Kyoto Treaty, maybe we can give up on this carbon nonsense for a little while as we work on economic recovery.

And if baby polar bears die because of it, that will only make me all the happier.

* Time Magazine has named protesters the Person of the Year. I guess it’s for the Muslim protests that have been toppling governments and the Occupy movement’s weak, dimwitted imitation of those movements (“I’m going camp out here in front of this bank until… something…”).

It’s sort of a cop out, though, when Time magazine doesn’t name an actual person as the person of the year. Who do you think was the person of the year?

Who was it that made Angry Birds?

* The National Transportation Safety Board has requested that drivers be banned from using cellphones. If we want to make driving safer, why don’t we just ban teenagers from having cars? I certainly don’t see the need for teenagers to go anywhere, and would rather they stay home. I also would rather those Occupy people not drive. How about no car until you show you’re responsible enough to hold down a job?

* The Republicans have passed a bill to extend the payroll tax cut and build the Keystone pipeline. So tax cuts, more oil, and more jobs.

Obama has vowed to veto it.

Come on; he keeps saying he wants to make jobs, and there are jobs right there in the pipeline. Tons of them. He’s just too afraid of environmentalists whining. Well, here’s another job idea: Stuffing environmentalists in metal crates and throwing them in the sea.

Eh, it would probably be cheapest to pay illegal Mexicans to do that.

* Gary Busey has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. But Christine O’Donnell has endorsed Mitt Romney. Then who is the real crazy person’s choice?

Oh yeah; duh. Ron Paul.

* Here’s an NBC news panel discussing how our country and its democracy is just a stumbling block in the way of Obama’s greatness. Didn’t I write a column on that…

* Oh, I forgot how I promised HIGH PRAISE to who had a good news quip. Well, I give it to myself for having to read them. None of them were very good. Try harder next time. I really need to start doing some humor seminars to teach people to be clever like me. How much do you think you’d pay for that? A thousand? Ten thousand? It would be worth a hundred thousand.

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25 Responses to “Nuke the News: Obama Unprepared, Canada Pollutes, and I Protest the Person of the Year”

  1. Critter says:

    That guy who has that hotdog stand down by the ER at the county hospital. He makes an awesome polish sausage hoagie. Person of the year, easy.

  2. Jimmy says:

    “Stuffing environmentalists in metal crates and throwing them in the sea.”

    That would pollute the sea, Frank. But I’m all for it since there are friendly bacteria
    there that will make a quick meal out of them, thus replenishing the vital nutrients
    for the seals that polar bears eat prior to being killed by Eskimos.

  3. Burmashave says:

    My heartfelt thanks to you, Frank J. For far too long I’ve thought that our problems stem from an environment that is wholly antagonistic to business.

    Now, I realize that the real problem is too much democracy, and it’s preventing Obama from shining his full benificience upon us.

    I hope he can forgive us.

  4. Jimmy says:

    The problem with this page might start on Frank’s last line above:

    * Oh, I forgot how I 1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (No Ratings Yet)

  5. DamnCat says:

    Gary Busey has now withdrawn his endorsement of Newt. How will America know who to vote for if Gary Busey won’t tell them? Magic 8 Ball? Chicken entrails?

  6. zzyzx says:

    God wins Time Magazine’s Deity of the year……….again!

    Name: God

    Nicknames: “Lord Almighty”, “Yahweh”; Big Kahuna”; “Jesus’ Dad”; “The Anti-Satan”; “All Powerful Guy Who Could Make Our Lives Miserable if He Didn’t Have a Good Sense of Humor”; “Tsunami-Obsessed Megalomaniac”; The Almighty.”

    Claim to Fame: Once dated Mother Nature, now they’re just friends; once flooded the whole Earth; Gave fame to John Travolta, then took it away, then gave it back, now regrets the whole thing.

    Hobbies: Judging people; Complacency; Playing with Earth’s tectonic plates near underdeveloped countries that have little or no weather-reporting skills.

    Pros: Omnipotent; Family oriented; extremely wealthy; ability to grant wishes disguised as prayers; forgives sins; only He knows for sure.

    Cons: Translucent; Somewhat intimidating before you get to know him; Always knows when you’re lying; Power hungry; Moody; May flood Earth if pissed off; controls volcanoes; could send Earth destroying asteroid our way.

    Turn-on’s: Generosity; kindness; South Park; IMAO.

    Turnoffs: Breaking 10 Commandments; Taking name in vain; Sports-related prayers; George Clooney movies.

    Coolest creations: Volcanoes; Earthquakes; Ability of insects to walk upside down; Starry nights; Sunsets; Beer; Boobs.

    Un-coolest creations: lice; roaches; butt crack hair; Russians; Democrats; Muslims.

    Recent Quote: “If I knew then…what I know now, I would have never given them opposable thumbs.”

  7. CaptMidnight says:

    Since groups of unidentified people can be a “Person”, Navy Seal Team 6 would have been my choice for TIME’s “Person of the Year” for taking down bin Laden.

  8. zzyzx says:

    I’d like to hang around a little longer but I’ve got to get down to Lowe’s Home Improvement Store and buy a bunch of stuff I don’t need…and here’s why. http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/home-improvement-giant-lowes-threatened-with-boycott-for-yanking-ads-from-show-about-muslims/2011/12/12/gIQAIWE4oO_story.html

  9. jr says:

    So when “W” was president we had the US military as the person of the year. Ironic that when the press hates the government, they still recognize & respect the military. With the current class warrior in charge, we get “rage against the machine, man!”

  10. zzyzx says:

    I’ll bet you $10,000.00 I won’t take humor seminars from anyone…now I’m off to my local Lowe’s store.

  11. Jimmy says:

    zzyzx –

    Favorite Prayer: “Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yaaaay… God!”

    Pet Peeves: (several)
      1.) The “God particle.”
      2.) Black holes sucking up perfectly good God-made matter.

    Favorite Composer: Bach (“Ah, Bach.”)

    Least Favorite Quarterback: Tim Tebow

    Favorite Vegetable: The Potato

    Favorite Beverage: Beer

    The guy’s obviously got it together.

  12. DamnCat says:

    @ CaptMidnight – that would have been a fantastic pick! Stupid Time.

  13. Iowa Jim says:

    I certainly don’t see the need for teenagers to go anywhere, and would rather they stay home.

    Get back to me in about a dozen years to let me know whether you still think that teenagers should stay home.

  14. Crabby Old Bat says:

    @zzyzx: Recent Quote: “If I knew then…what I know now, I would have never given them opposable thumbs.”

    But He DID know then what He knows now. (Stupid Time magazine reporter – are there any other kind? – forgot to list “omniscience” under “Pros.”)

    @DamnCat: How will America know who to vote for if Gary Busey won’t tell them? Magic 8 Ball? Chicken entrails?

    My cat harked up some chicken entrails just last week. They spelled out “CAIN!1!” – so, no help there. (Although the horking noise he made sounded a lot like “newt-newt-newt-neeeewwwwwt,” so maybe that is the fallback position.)

  15. ombdz says:

    What do you expect from Time magazine? No one outside of their offices – or those of the Times, Post, NPR, et.al. – think this is anywhere close to the top story of the year. More liberal navel-gazing and projection. Tell me again why their circulations are going down …

  16. Gus Avocado says:

    Do we still play the obscure reference game? Why does Newt Gingrich want lots of illegal Mexicans to come to America??? Two words–Soylent Verde.

  17. Burmashave says:

    @zzyzx: I hope I caught you in time. Lowes has good deals on 100W bulbs. Two birds with one stone, says I. Even better, if there are protests, you can try for the elusive 2 hippies with 1 light bulb shot.

  18. CaptMidnight says:

    @ ombdz: Somebody should tell the liberal print media that only 20% of Americans consider themselves ‘liberal’. Perhaps if they pander to the larger conservative audience, they will see their circulations increase.

  19. Les says:

    @ DamnCat — OWSamancy: Divination by interpreting patterns formed by protester droppings.

  20. blarg says:

    I don’t see how Obama can claim that his administration didn’t know “how bad the economy was”. Hasn’t he been saying “it’s worse than everyone thinks” pretty much since the first day of his election campaign???

  21. Crabby Old Bat says:

    @Burmashave: I would NEVER waste a 100 watt incandescent bulb on a filthy hippie. Beaning them with spiral flourescent bulbs has the added advantage of covering them with toxic waste (non-biodegradable toxic waste, that is, as opposed to the biowaste in which they flourish).

  22. Burmashave says:

    You have a pernt, Crabby. Not to worry, though. Lowes is fully stocked with anti-hippie tools and disinfectants.

  23. Richard says:

    I think Frank needs to be the Man of the Year. Just the title of his book is funnier than most comedians entire skits out together.

  24. Basil says:

    Person of the Year?

    Robert Loggia, hands down.

  25. Mxymaster says:

    Frank was Man of the Year until his stinginess with the High Praise proved to be his undoing. New nominee: That cop with the pepper spray. We all love him, and he gave the kiddies what they wanted: A chance to be officially oppressed! Now they could run home to mommy and say how brave they are. Win-win!

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