Nuke the News: Eye of Newt

Posted on January 20, 2012 11:00 am

* So, Newt surged to be frontrunner a month or so back and then everyone just kind of faded on him because, well, he’s Newt and he’s unstable. But I guess Romney marching to the nomination was just too bitter a pill to swallow as — BOOM! — Newt is surging in popularity again and it’s looking like he’s going to win South Carolina. Are we really going to do this?

Yeah, it’s fun to see Newt yell at moderators and we want to see him do that at Obama too, but the guy says some crazy stuff. And not always crazy conservative stuff. He’s a bomb, and we never know if he’s going to blow up the enemy or explode in our faces.

Then again, Romney is so boring and useless. It’s going to be a big effort to get anything done about the debt and the size of government, and I don’t see moderate Romney making the attempt. I’m almost of the mind that if we’re going to fail, let’s at least fail spectacularly.

So maybe we should stand behind Newt… but far behind. With a bomb shield in between us.

* BTW, here’s video from last night’s debate of Newt belittling the moderator for bringing up Newt’s crazy personal life:

I have to admit, that’s fun to watch. And if you imagine Obama in place of the moderator, that would be awesome. Would it win an election? I don’t know. But it just seems like someone really needs to publicly lecture Obama on how much he sucks.

* BTW, is Rick Santorum still around? Despite winning Iowa and doing well other places, no one seems to talk about him and everyone acts like the race is Romney and Newt. I think he’s just too whiny for people to envision as president. Plus, I’ve still never understood what his qualifications are supposed to be as he served as Senator a little while but I don’t know of anything too important he’s done. Still, he brought the long knives to the debate last night and was the first person to really go after Romney on Romneycare. If only Tim Pawlenty could have done the same.

* Obama went to Disney World. I heard no one was able to wear those Mickey ears hats as Obama was convinced they were making fun of him.

Know what, it just looks right him standing in front of Cinderella’s castle. Maybe he should stay there and be the Disney World president who tourists come to get photos with… you know, and someone more serious could handle the actual presidenting job. Or Newt.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon G.:

Santorum would make a good town elder in Footloose.

* A monkey thought to be extinct has been rediscovered in the jungles of Borneo. Man, every time I think we’re making progress…

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40 Responses to “Nuke the News: Eye of Newt”

  1. Alex C. says:

    I don’t understand all this Newt Bomb Talk…? But I do like hearing the word bomb…

  2. Ernie Loco says:

    Well, with Perry dropping out, all we have left are crappy choices. Romney sucks, Gingrich sucks, Santorum sucks, and I don’t even need to bother pointing out how much Luap Nor sucks.

    So, who sucks the least? Gingrich has some bad marks in his record, but he also has some good stuff, most notably, balancing the budget under his leadership. Romney has a lot of bad things in his record, in fact, pretty much all bad things. But he talks purty in the debates unlike that retard Perry. Oh, except last night. Then Romney sounded at least at clueless as Perry.

    And you could always vote for Santorum if all you care about is abortion and gay marriage. Unfortunately, he supports SOPA, big government, unions, and starting a war with Iran.

    Personally, I’m voting to stock up on ammo and canned goods, cause it’s going to be a long 4 years no matter who wins.

  3. Steve says:

    I see in the WSJ today that the Stache is endorsing Romney…

  4. Mxymaster says:

    Probably was a hippie, not a monkey. Still hiding from the draft.

    I’m following Coulter and supporting Mitt. I think he’s exciting because he has lots of money. Money in large quantities is exciting. Still, to get past the perception that he’s boring, I will support him as if I were a Paulite:

    MITT!!!T!!!!!1!!

  5. Son of Bob says:

    Romney represents four years of “Obama light” in a more-of-the-same, good-ol’-boy failed presidency, followed by a 2016 campaign rejecting the “conservatism” of Romney, which will result in another Obama/Hillary-type president to pick up where The One left off.

    While I would have liked to have seen Cain, Paul Ryan, Jindal, or some other real conservative stay in the race, I will support Gingrich or Santorum, since they are the only real options we have.

    As for the “bombs” that Gingrich says, does anyone really be reminded of the outrageous nonsense spewed by the current Communist in Chief on a daily basis. Does anything Gingrich says, even come close to what Soros has Barry reading off a teleprompter?

  6. Jimmy says:

    Frank, by using the word “bomb” in your post – and all the “bomb” words that will surely happen in these comments (some of which will “bomb”) – you have raised your DHS monitoring level by several bomb points.

    One must use the word “bomb” judiciously, lest one incur the wrath of bomb monitors.

  7. Critter says:

    Newt would make a good white house chief of staff or president’s grand political poobahh, or something. give him a job whose main function is saying scary things to dems. he’d be good at that.

  8. DamnCat says:

    I think we should all be able to come up with lolz for next Tuesday using thosee Obama at Disney World pics.

  9. Genghis Khen says:

    Out of the 4 still standing, I would pick Newt as “Most likely to Nuke the Moon”, so there’s that.

  10. zzyzx says:

    Wow, I wonder if he had a high level meeting with Goofy while he was there? Just wonderin’……..

  11. MuscleDaddy says:

    Riehl nailed it http://www.riehlworldview.com/carnivorous_conservative/2012/01/why-im-backing-newt-gingrich.html

    ‘I cannot spare this man – he fights’

    – MD

  12. Yosoff says:

    Gingrich and Santorum share the same 3 qualifications:
    1. Not Obama
    2. Not Romney
    3. Not RON PAUL!!!!11!!!

    If Gingrich wins SC and Santorum takes 4th (as polls currently indicate) then I don’t see how Santorum will be able to afford the expensive media buys necessary to compete in Florida. If he can’t find a way to hang in the race then it really is Newt’s nomination to lose.

  13. plentyobailouts says:

    Well of the four left, who will provide the best comic relief? Ron Paul!!1111! Plus he will get rid of the epa, so theres that.

    I will hold my nose and vote for anyone other than the classless disgraceful pos currently slithering around the white house.

    Dang its looking like another crap election. On the other hand, Newt will let us make great witch jokes!

    I was going to vote for Newt, but I got better!

  14. Jimmy says:

    So Newt fights. Occasionally.

    What I want is someone who fights all the damn time, like this:

    Now there’s another thing I want you to remember: I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We’re going to hold onto him by the nose and we’re going to kick him in the ass. We’re going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we’re going to go through him like crap through a goose!

    Newt needs to go through Romney – and then Obama – like that.

  15. MarkoMancuso says:

    Ernie, are you suggesting that Perry doesn’t suck?

    I ain’t looking to pick a fight, but I can’t fathom how anyone in this race didn’t or doesn’t qualify as sucking.

    Also, I can’t think of anyone worthy of casting a throw-away write-in vote. Perhaps Brad Kasal?

  16. CrustyB says:

    Who’s our favorite adulterer hero? Newt Gingrich! HOORAH!

    We are a long way from the Reagan Era.

  17. plentyobailouts says:

    Poor romney, everyone bullying him. If he were a hippie I could almost feel sorry for him, ya know, cause hippies are so stupid and useless they don’t know when they are being bullied. We know y’all don’t like him cause you’re racists and he has edwards hair.

    Okay, so Newt sucks. Serial adultery should not be a deterrent for being presifdent, just ask bubba. On the other hand, Newt traded up each time, bubba not so much. What is it with marxist women being so fat and ugly? Guess their parents never taught them to arrr.

  18. storm1911 says:

    So we have:

    “Moe” Gingrich
    “Larry” Romney
    “Curly” Paul – woop woop woop
    “Shemp” Santorum

    Which one can best give an eye poke to the Iranians and dems?

  19. Capitalist_B says:

    If Newt’s VP was Ron Paul and they both said something stupid would that be a Newt/Ron bomb?

  20. EdthePastor says:

    I’d forgive Newt for his adultries but I have a building to pay off so I’m selling indulgences. Can’t do that for Mitt so for a hefty price I’ll hook him up with my celestial dating serve so he can call forth his spirit wife. Ric, got nothing for him so go home. And Ronnie boy gets a discount on exorcism unless he’s just plain crazy then I got nothing. COME ON DOWN TO CRAZY ED’S DELIVERENCE EMPORIUM AND CELESTIAL DATING CENTER.

  21. hwuu says:

    So Ed, just what kind of pastor are you? Do you have big hair and a television ministry?

  22. Veeshir says:

    I like Newt (of who’s left, which isn’t saying much) for 4 reasons

    We need someone who will roll back what Obama’s done, including Obama/Romney care. Romeny will try to “fix” it.
    He has neither the inclination nor the guts to roll that stuff back, Newt might not have the inclination (fingers crossed), but he surely has the guts.

    I have a soft spot for Newt from the 90s. I understand he’s taken a bunch of “soft” positions, but his actual legislative record is pretty darn good. Most of what Clinton accomplished (non-sexual), was actually Newt’s doing. And Newt apparently can match Clinton in the sexual stuff too. That’s win-win. Of course, Newt generally sticks to his age group and stays away from fat chicks, but hey, he can’t be perfect.

    The next election is going to be the ugliest in my lifetime. Newt will hit back harder than he’s hit. I have a feeling Romney will be the amiable loser, McCain with better hair.

    And just think of the hilarity. Newt was evil long before even Cheney and he’s almost as good at saying reasonable things in such a way to get the NY Times to go into a frothing frenzy. That makes me laugh every time.

    One thing, does anybody else think it’s funny that, even after 4 years of Obama, Firefox doesn’t recognize his name but does recognize Romney and Gingrich?
    That’s darn funny. Racist of course (goes without saying) but high-larious.

  23. Yosoff says:

    Chuck Norris says vote for Newt. Now we can combine Chuck Norris jokes with Newt jokes! ‘Chuck Norris hit Obama so hard with a Newt that he landed back in Hawaii’ ‘Chuck Norris told Newt to become President, so he did’ ‘Why is Iran terrified of Newt becoming President? Because he promised to make Chuck Norris his Secretary of State’
    http://www.wnd.com/2012/01/gops-biggest-celebrity-makes-his-endorsement/

  24. Burmashave says:

    Would it be reasonable to say that if Gingrich lives out his liberal worst, he’d be no more liberal than Romney, and on the other other hand, Gingrich at his conservative best would be more conservative than Romney ever could be?

    My current plan is to decide on my vote only after I enter the voting booth. I will then purge my brain before I exit. Sanity will be preserved.

  25. CarolynthePregnant says:

    Frank keeps using the word ‘bomb’. Frank, your violent rhetoric could lead outbursts and attacks. There’s already Tea Party terrorists reading this site! Careful, man.

    I wish so badly that Santorum would just haul off and deck Ron Paul – just smack him right in the mouth. I’d put up a Rick Santorum billboard in my yard if that happened. That’s right: billboard.

  26. Jimmy says:

    “CELESTIAL DATING CENTER” ???

    Is that like manna from heaven but in female form? Sign me up!

  27. plentyobailouts says:

    @Carolyn the Pregnant, hitting old people is racists!

  28. Jimmy says:

    Frank, someone needs to tell Callista Gingrich to let her hair relax. (It’s really tight and making me nervous.)

    And do something with the eyes. Maybe let the eyelids sag a little once and a while. Also, maybe try blinking.

    That someone would be you, Frank.

  29. 4of7 says:

    Why we should vote for Rick Santorum?
    Positives:
    He has the best campaign ads.
    http://www.youtube.com/ricksantorum#p/u/2/O3bYBkGgRCE
    He’s a cross between Richy Cunningham, Ward Cleaver, Mr. Rogers, and Jimmy Stewart in ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington’.
    He’s pro-life, pro-gun, pro-Israel and anti-Iranian.
    He’s won 3 races as a Conservative Republican in a predominately Democratic State.
    The MSM will develop crippling eye-strain trying to find enough dirt on him to to show up on an electron microscope.

    Negatives:
    His voice is too high pitched.
    He looks kind of like that guy in the Enzyte commercials.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYuBDIWpvT4
    He’s Catholic-ier. (and he really means it – which tends to scare some people.)
    He’d be dull, predictable, and hard-working – which suks as far as satire goes.

    I won’t say he’s ‘unelectable’ because we already agreed that even a sack full of hammers would make a better president than the unspeakable waste of air we have now. Right?

  30. ussjimmycarter says:

    ed the pastor…indulgences!!! Why didn’t I think of that? (slaps forehead with hand)!!! Can I come into business with you and we can setup a booth? We will charge like $1,000 per sin to get back into God’s good graces (otherwise we will tell everyone that the smoting begins soon) and we will put the booth right in front of Congress! Muwhahahahahah!!!! We will be rich, rich, rich!!!! Oh, cash only!!! No checks from those creeps!!! They can like have the hookers drop the cash off on the way out of their offices and such!!!

  31. ussjimmycarter says:

    $1,000! What am I thinking? These guys don’t know what that means? Let’s up it to a billion dollars each. They will get that!!!

  32. Mxymaster says:

    4of7 makes good points, although you can’t be too Catholicy for me. Anyway, it’s a nice change from the anti-Catholic “Catholic” Kennedys and Cuomos and Kerrys we’ve had to deal with for so long.

  33. Ivan Ivanovich says:

    “Additionally, the forest is only protected by the local community, Loken said, not the central government.”

    I can’t believe Frank linked to this or that Fox wrote it!

    Hey, what ever happened to that idea that we don’t have to worry about a rich guy because he can’t be bought. That’s what got me to vote for Ross Perot after all.

  34. Jimmy says:

    To hell with his “indulgences,” ussjimmycarter, I’m waiting for more information from Ed the Pastor on his “CELESTIAL DATING CENTER”! It just HAS to be stocked with beautiful, Conservative women dressed in lovely white evening gowns parading around a crystal palace filled with Chihuli glass and harp music – all ready to assist me on my potato farm.

    This coffee tastes odd.

  35. e pearse says:

    Frank, regardless of weather we like Newt or not, it is indisputable that he has brought to us a new political animal, the “Conservative-Populist”

    We expand in the possibility that this new tool at the electoral service of Republicans will create a powerful force against the populism of the Democratic Party. But the thesis is complex and you can judge for yourself HERE

  36. Jimmy says:

    What? No comments about Newt winning by 21%?

    I’m shocked, shocked. I also need a Scotch, Scotch.

  37. IMAO » Blog Archive » Open Thread: Newt got better links:

    [...] probably Monday, based on his Twitter feed. But, for now, I’m going to follow IMAO commenter Jimmy’s suggestion and open this up for [...]

  38. Razor says:

    So, Newt won South Carolina! By a ton! Newt is da bomb!

    Actually, instead of a ticking time bomb, I envision Newt as more of a airship. Better yet, a dirigible, only because no one uses the word “dirigible” anymore. Sure, we see them on Fringe in the other universe, but does Olivia ever *say* to Peter, “where am I? oh look, a dirigible!” No. I rest my case.

    Where was I?

    Oh yeah. Newt.

    You know why Congressman Gingrich is like a dirigible? Because he’s full of hot air! HAHAHAHAHA!

    No, that’s not the only reason why.

    It’s because he floats above us, massive and grandiose and all, and it’s you know it’s just a matter of time until a spark becomes a fire and then the fiery hulk comes crashing to earth and Chris Matthews shrieks (as only Chris Matthews can) “Oh, the humanity!”

    Does any of us doubt that this will inevitably happen?

    Anyone?

    Speaking of which, Frank, my hero, commented that Newt is a great debater. And damn, we sure do love to hear Newt debate. Well, not so much debate, as light into other people, particularly “the media” for doing despicable things. To him. Because Newt is such the victim.

    But he is fun to watch and listen to, isn’t he?

    Does this make him electable? I dunno.

    25% of Americans think good things of Gingrich. 60% think he’s a d*ck.

    What this means is we’ll be all “yeah, you tell ‘em Newt!” and he’ll win all the GOP primaries by giving red meat speeches like his great victory speech tonight in SC.

    But then in the general election, moderates, indies and ALL Democrats will be more turned off than a TV on a wedding night.

    UNLESS

    He gives Obama such a smackdown that even squishy independents have a Eureka moment and say to themselves, “Self? I may have really misjudged this Newt chap all along!”

    Chances of that happening? Who knows. SC voters called him electable, but they’re just knuckle-dragging Republicans who will vote for a corner mailbox over Obama.

    Can Newt win the 65% of America that doesn’t hate Obama with the white-hot passion of 1,000 suns?

    Let’s nominate him to find out!

    Follow me on Twitter.

  39. Basil says:

    Corner Mailbox 2012!

  40. 4of7 says:

    #32 – Mxymaster,
    Thanks!
    I got no problem with Santorum being Catholic; in fact I’m glad he’s living his faith, rather than just professing it when convenient. (ala Nancy “My favorite word is ‘the Word’” Pelosi)
    But the pro-abortion and pro-ghey-marriage crews are sure to hold it against him.

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