Nuke the News: Giant Ant Heads

Posted on January 9, 2012 11:00 am

* If we want to get more people to pay attention to the debt crisis, we need to learn from global warming on how to present it.

Think of it: The next time the president tries to raise the debt ceiling and spend our way out of debt, panicked scientists rush to the president and say, “According to our computer models, if you keep adding to a number, it gets bigger.”

He’d probably demand they recheck their data, and they would say, “It’s undeniable: Only subtraction reduces the debt.” And the president would have to listen to them, because they’d be wearing lab coats.

Yes, it’s a new New York Post column by me, Frank J. Fleming. Go read it and have fun.

* So there were two Republican debates over the weekend. I watched the one Saturday but not the one Sunday morning because it was on Sunday morning. Anyway, the Saturday one was awful. They spent 15 minutes talking about whether states should theoretically be able to ban contraception — because that’s the big issue of the day. And the next two questions were on gay marriage because you know how many Republicans there are out there waiting to hear the candidates talk more about gay marriage before they make their decision.

Why do we have moderators of Republican debates who have no idea what Republicans actually care about? This is the heart of media bias: Even if these people tried as hard as they could to be fair to conservatives, they don’t understand them enough to represent their views. Liberals are just ignorant, and that’s fine and dandy except in a Republican primary debate.

* BTW, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. Before one of you whines (and you should know, conservatives don’t whine) that barely any of the voting has happened yet, I’m just telling you what reality is. With how Romney is doing in the polls and how none of the other candidates have been able to lay a finger on him — and have barely even tried in the recent debates — it’s a done deal. If you don’t want Romney to be the Republican nominee, you better pray for a meteor because that’s what it will take to stop him now. Reality, dudes.

For the rest of us, we can start working on a Romney slogan. “Romney: Clearly not Obama”. Best I can come up with so far.

* So Obama is bypassing the Constitution again to do non-recess recess appointments, and Sunny is on the case:

* Illinois is apparently bouncing checks on lottery winnings. First off, don’t play the lottery — do something useful with your money. Second, don’t play the lottery in Chicago because you can’t trust these people.

Remember, Chicago is where Obama got all his political knowledge. What checks do you think he’s going to start bouncing?

* Wisdom of the Day from Ace of Spades:

protip: the best people to rebut a charge that a candidate has courted Nazis are probably not the Nazis who have been successfully courted.

* Has your main complaint about ants been that their jaws aren’t massive enough? Well, then it’s Science! to the rescue! Yes, Science! is making ant heads bigger because… it can. And if you’re all like, “I don’t like ants with massive heads and jaws!” then you’re anti-science. Stop standing in the way of progress, progress towards… a more powerful ant future, I guess.

So we can make ants with larger heads, but we can’t even get to the moon anymore? Which is too bad because that would be a good place to get away from the massive-jawed ants.

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37 Responses to “Nuke the News: Giant Ant Heads”

  1. jw says:

    i must remind you that obama is the product of ivy league schools. he therefore knows that debt is a negative number. by adding a negative number to the debt, he must be making it smaller, right?

    smaller debt is good.

    oooh, shiny.

  2. Mxymaster says:

    “Romney: Clearly not Obama” is a winner, or ought to be. “Not Obama: Because otherwise we’re doomed” is also accurate.

  3. Veeshir says:

    Geez, you expect me to grab the low-hanging fruit and come in here, ala Kent Brockman, and talk about our new ant overlords and their underground sugar mines.

    Well, I’m not going to do it. I refuse to.

    I’m not falling for it.

  4. DamnCat says:

    RE: Giant Ant Heads

    James Whitmore was unavailable for comment.

  5. Jimmy says:

    Romney: Four More Years!

  6. Tommy the Towelhead says:

    Unlike the US, at least the Greeks are learning their lesson about not paying their debts. Now, after many, many years of putting it off and accruing interest and fees out the wazoo, the Greek government is finally paying down their eons-old, long-overdue building loan on the Parthenon.

  7. Burmashave says:

    @DamnCat: I love that movie, especially the end. A small bit of trivia: at the time it was made, those ants were the largest moving props ever used in a movie.

  8. Jimmy says:

    Yeah, I’m trying to decide which is better: Frank’s article in the NY Post, or DamnCat’s THEM clip.

    Hmmmm.

    Those ants make mincemeat out of cats, btw.

  9. AZCON says:

    Can someone help me get the giant ants out of the generator building?

  10. Genghis Khen says:

    (R)omney: Notice he’s the Republican in the race.

  11. plentyobailouts says:

    @Jimmy: Romney: Four More Years!

    Score! or according to jojo, goaaaaaalllll!

    The scientists! were just trying to match the ant head size to obasama’s head size.

    The can make an ant with a giant head, but can’t get beer to stay put. What good is science!

  12. shane says:

    shouldn’t that be “ant-i-science”?

  13. Alex C. says:

    Are you seroius about Romney being the nominee!? I’ve been refusing to believe it, but if Frank J. Say’s it, it must be true.

    “Romney: If I don’t win, I’ll lay you off”

  14. storm1911 says:

    Don’t let Frank fool you. The giant ant heads are just an add on to the rocket and laser mounted dinosaurs ridden by mutated killer apes on their way to nuke the moon. and face puinch hippies.

    We can release the giant ant heads on the occutard crowd. “IIIEEE !!!! My lame hand painted sign and drum circle is being devoured by giant ant heads !!!!!!!”.

  15. Brian The Adequate says:

    Romney: Really what do we have left to lose?

    Romney: When there really isn’t another viable option.

    Romney: Or the Mormon gets it! (accompanied by a picture of Mitt holding a gun to his own head)

    Romney: The slower path to bankruptcy.

    Romney: Because he was next in line.

  16. zzyzx says:

    Don’t ants with giant heads contribute to global warming? Just wondering.

  17. Crabby Old Bat says:

    Don’t ants with giant heads contribute to global warming? Just wondering.

    Giant ants are caused by climate change. The Science! is settled.

    (Except where it isn’t: http://www.livescience.com/16563-climate-change-shrinking-animals.html)

    Thanks for the link, DamnCat. I love that movie.

  18. Peregrine John says:

    Don’t worry about it, Frank. I broke the news on this very blog (or its comments, anyway) weeks ago, and more flatly: the phrase will be “President Romney” and there’s nothing I, you, or the weeniest Occupooer can do to change that. It’s just what’s gonna be. The main thing to do, once MSM heads stop exploding all over the place, is to decide whether to call the new column “lolmitt” or “lolney”. Or something else that sucks less than my suggestions.

  19. zzyzx says:

    This is for Brian….[The Republican candidates load their guns and point them at Romney. Romney then points his own pistol at his head]
    Romney: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the Mormon gets it!
    Santorum: Hold it, men. He’s not bluffing.
    Huntsman: Listen to him, men. He’s just crazy enough to do it!
    Romney: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I’ll blow this Mormon’s head all over this town!
    Romney: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo’dy, lo’d, he’s desp’it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy!
    [Republican candidates drop their guns. Romney jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]
    Bachman: Isn’t anybody going to help that poor man?
    Huntsman: Hush, Michelle! That’s a sure way to get him killed!
    Romney: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He’p me, he’p me! Somebody he’p me! He’p me! He’p me! He’p me!
    Romney: [low voice] Shut up!
    [Romney places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]
    Romney: Ooh, baby, you are so talented!
    [looks into the camera]
    Romney: And they are so dumb!

  20. Ernie Loco says:

    Romney: becuase apparently you have problems with all the other Republican candidates except him.

    Romney: because you like Obama’s policies, but not his skin color.

    Romney: he’ll only have yearly deficits of 1.4 trillion!

    And here’s a real one. Romeny: because God help us all if Obama gets to appoint any more supreme court justices.

  21. Jimmy says:

    I’m glad you asked that question, zzyzx. It turns out that ants have a higher carbon ratio in their bodies* than mammals, especially people. See, if the world were dominated by giant ants, computer models project that the human population would decline with so many human heads being severed and injested by the ants, and all. Models also show that Democrats would die first since they own fewer guns than Republicans and are unable to defend themselves. So, giant ants would actually reduce global warming – and the population of liberal human idiots on entitlements would decline dramatically. In the long run, the ants are shown to accept their Republican overlords and work for them like really strong, well-trained dogs (cats are not so lucky in the simulations, however.)

    (* At least in my kitchen where black sugar ants eat nothing but sugar (C12H22O11) and grow big and fat full of black carbon.)

  22. Yosoff says:

    All genetic scientists should have to take a semester on “What could go wrong” before they get to do things like activating prehistoric genes to create super soldier ants. It would only entail 6 months of watching horror flicks; but it definitely should be required.

  23. plentyobailouts says:

    romney: cause he doesn’t wear mom jeans.

    romney: the white marxist

    romney: when only settling will do

    romney: meh

  24. plentyobailouts says:

    romney: The albino rino

    romney: not as white as mccain, but twice as liberal

  25. CarolynthePregnant says:

    Romney: because he’ll give waivers to stop Obamacare and he doesn’t shove aside for illegals. That’s a start on the two biggest issues for me.

    Of course, I’d still feel dirty voting for him but since I apparently can only choose between him and Ron Paul, I feel not so badly inside.

  26. Jimmy says:

    Romney: Because we don’t want to end up like Grease!

    Romney: Deficit? What deficit? Social Security is fine!

    Romney: Because he likes laying people off.

    Romney: He’ll only have one term. Relax!

  27. Crabby Old Bat says:

    The main thing to do, once MSM heads stop exploding all over the place, is to decide whether to call the new column “lolmitt” or “lolney”. Or something else that sucks less than my suggestions.

    loLDS!

    [For all of you non-diverse folks, "LDS" is how Mormons generally refer to themselves - Latter-Day Saints, from The Church of the Latter-Day Saints.]

    Not really funny if you have to explain it, I guess.

  28. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    I did LDS back in high school, long before but about a mile from that huge church Romney had built in his backyard in Belmont, MA. It’s like…huge…man.
    The oh so tolerant liberals of Belmont were right, those damn Mormons are taking over everything!

    the church announced plans for a new meetinghouse in Belmont, on a wooded, 14-acre plot. Townspeople were suspicious. “The tenor was, ‘The Mormons are moving in,’ ” said Grant Bennett, who succeeded Mr. Romney as bishop. In 1984, with the construction almost complete, the meetinghouse burned down. Officials suspected arson.

    So they built the next one out of stone and the angry liberals couldn’t blow it down. HA!

  29. MarkoMancuso says:

    By characterizing legitimate complaints with what a good-for-hardly-anything liberal Mitt Romney is as “whining”, Frank thus makes legitimate complaints easy to dismiss. That’s nice.

  30. MarkoMancuso says:

    You know what? Nevermind. I have lousy reading comprehension.

  31. MarkoMancuso says:

    My old motto: Shoot first, ask questions later.

    My new motto: Post first, read later.

  32. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Think what you want about Mitt Romney (which firefox says is a word but Obama STILL isn’t! lol.5 ) but think about this:

    Ted Oparowski, a retired firefighter, and his wife, Pat, a secretary, still praise Mr. Romney for ministering to their 14-year-old son, David, who was dying of cancer three decades ago.

    The boy, upon hearing that Mr. Romney was a lawyer, asked him to help draft a will, so that he might leave something to each of his friends. Mr. Romney pulled out a legal pad, and together they wrote one up. Later, he gave the eulogy at the boy’s funeral.

    Hmm, 3 decades ago…. I wonder what our current “president” was doing 30 years ago….? Does anyone even know?
    Case closed

  33. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    I think Sunny does LDS before she makes her videos.

  34. Jimmy says:

    Crabby, how about LOLGAG? It’d be like laughing and choking at the same time…

    Marko, a better motto would be “Shoot first and shoot later” which through logic can be reduced to “Shoot often!”

  35. Yosoff says:

    Romney: Because it’s worth betraying all your principles in order to beat Obama.
    Romney: Because Perry can’t debate, Bachmann has crazy eyes, RON PAUL!11!! has crazy EVERYTHING, Pawlenty is a quitter, Gingrich is Gingrich, Santorum is a big government Statist, the entire country jointly decided to completely ignore the existence of Gary Johnson, Cain can’t keep his pants on, Huntsman was Ambassador to China just to get more hands-on experience with Communism, and Palin, Christie, Rubio, Ryan, Daniels, & Jindal won’t run.

  36. ussjimmycarter says:

    If Frank will check his monster database of comments… He will find that I told you guys two years ago that Romney is the nominee! The GOP/RNC had already decided that! Geez! If they want you little rubes opinion, they will give it to you! You are all like small ants with small heads to them and all they need to do is squish you! Muwhahahahahah!!!

  37. Ivan Ivanovich says:

    “have you ever seen a carbon dioxide?”
    Yes, it’s called Dry Ice and it’s fun to throw it in the lake and watch it boil.

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