Nuke the News: The State of the Union Is We Have a Useless Leader

* I’m in the New York Post again!

Yeah, I know I’ve been having a column with them about once a week, but aren’t you amazed each time? Anyway, this one is on why it’s good to have a food stamp president and that government dependency is just a good idea.

Really, who would you rather take care of you? Cold, self-interested individuals or a warm, caring government?

* Obama gave his State of Union speech last night. I did not watch it. I’m paid enough for that. Sounds like it was a basically a rehash of all his previous ideas like they were brand new ideas. It’s like we’ve tried a little of the same and that didn’t work, so Obama’s solution is we need even more of the same. Plus, Obama added some more harping on fairness.

Yes, really; a rich Democrat whining about fairness. How innovative. It really is the party of new ideas.

And isn’t that just what the economy needs: more whining about fairness? No one even pretends taxing the rich will help the economy, but the Democrat can’t get off that because whining is more important to them than success as a nation.

Barack Obama is not a serious person and apparently has no intentions of ever being so. People keep talking about how weak the Republican field is, but our multiple bad choice sure beats the Democrats single horrible choice. We aren’t going to be forced to run a proven failure for president, so advantage us.

* One thing I’ve been wondering. With all the focus on the evil millionaires, is anyone going to point out how Obama is rich. And it really does seems unfair how rich he is considering he has no useful skills and has produced no goods or services his entire life. If Obama really wants to attack our economic system as unfair, shouldn’t he hold himself up as the ultimate example? “You’re working hard every day and barely getting by. I’m completely useless and only had previously held made up jobs like community organizer and yet somehow ended up rich. Obviously, the system is rigged. I won’t rest until we live in a fair country — a place where a useless person like me lives destitute on the street instead of playing golf every other day.” As I’ve said before, we’d take the left more seriously if they held themselves up as the examples of the ills they don’t like, but that would take self-awareness so it’s not going to happen.

* According to his tax returns, Romney gave over 15% of his income to charity in 2010-2011. And what are people upset at? Not more of that was taken by the government to be wasted by idiots in DC.

Looking at Obama back in 2000-2004 before much of a spotlight was on him, Obama gave less than one percent to charity. You know, because he’s a liberal and his charity is to urge the government to seize other people’s money. And before Biden was vice president, he gave an average of $369 dollars a year to charity. Come on! These are the same people complaining about the greedy rich, but they cling to their own money more tightly than anyone else. Where is the press on this extreme hypocrisy? Obviously anytime the left is complaining about greed in others, it’s nothing but projection. And now we know where they get this impulse for taxation — they know how greedy they are and can’t imagine someone giving up money to help others unless it is forcibly taken. And in the end, what’s more greedy than only spending other people’s money to help the needy?

* Wisdom of the Day from Fred Thompson:

Warren Buffett now says his offer to help pay down the natl debt was merely “symbolic.” Ah… sorta like an Obama “stimulus” program.

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Random Thoughts

If a candidate’s tax returns reveal he didn’t do everything he could to avoid paying taxes, he should be tossed out of the race as a moron.

So the left are really going to argue that Romney sending $6.2 million of his money to Washington to die was too little?

Is Obama’s big plan to get the economy moving that the rich should pay more taxes? Can someone explain how that helps things?

The incumbent is the least serious of the candidates.

I’ve seen none of the movies that were nominated for best picture or had a best actor nomination.

So will the Rand Paul incident and the White House defense of the TSA allow us to portray Obama as the president of junk touching?

Hate how women lie. I once dated one claiming to be a supermodel, but she was just a regular model. Being in Victoria Secret’s catalog doesn’t by itself make you super!

Money that goes to the morons in DC is dead money; it will no longer help anyone. We want a better economy, then we need less money stuck in DC.

Someone talking higher taxes right now it not a serious person.

“They held a SOTU watch party. It was a murder suicide.”

So what does Intrade say are the odds Obama will break down crying halfway through the SOTU and admit he has no idea what he’s doing?

Wow. A rich Democrat is going to go on TV and whine about “fairness.” How innovative.

“We’ve tried some of the same and it didn’t work. That means we need even more of the same!”

Obama is quite rich. Can you name one thing of any use to anybody he ever did to earn that money?

If Obama wants to point out the flaws in our economic system, he should point out the fact that someone like him is wealthy as an example.

Obama should hold himself up as the ultimate example of unfairness. “If some as useless as me is rich, obviously the system is rigged.”

Do you think there will be whining about fairness in the SOTU? I think the key to fixing the economy is more whining about fairness.

Why work hard to better your own finances when you can whine about how much someone else has?

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lolbama! Part 81

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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[Hat tip to Laurie for the pic]

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From Damn Cat:

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From Mrs. C:

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From Neil:

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Dr. Jingo:

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From Hippie Punchomatic 5000:

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From Proof:

From me (Harvey):

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This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with [Hat tip: Island Girl]:

Ya know, I thought I really had a lock on this with my “Dark Knight Returns” quote, but Dr. Jingo referenced an internet comic from 2008.

I stand defeated.

Anyway, honorable mentions to Hippie Punchomatic 5000 for a Firefly reference that I didn’t remember (and I *just* saw that episode on DVD a couple weeks ago), and Mrs. C for having (apparently) memorized “Raising Arizona”.

What say you?

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: The Party of Junk Touching

* Well, I had some doubts about Newt Gingrich, but it’s time to give those up since FRED THOMPSON HAS ENDORSED HIM!

As you may recall, after careful consideration, IMAO decided to endorse Fred Thompson in the 2008 primary.

Fred Thompson Fact: If you have doubts about Newt’s electability, Fred Thompson will punch you in the face so hard your body will explode.

* While Fred Thompson was endorsing Newt last night, there was the 34,567th Republican debate going on — which I assume will be the last since they’re rather pointless now that Fred Thompson has told us who to choose. Romney was on the attack –hitting Newt on his ties to Fannie and Freddie — and actually came off a little desperate. And for some reason they didn’t allow the audience to make any noise, which seemed to hamper Newt who always likes getting the audience riled. Anyway, I only watched part of it; it was boring. And I had a lot of important things to do in Skyrim.

* Romney released his tax returns and he paid $6.2 million in taxes in the last two years. Think of it; that’s millions of dollars that could have been invested in business or given to charity to help people, but instead that money went to Washington to die. It’s very sad.

* Rand Paul was detained by the TSA for not wanting them to touch his junk. The White House was quick to defend the TSA saying, “We’ll touch whoever’s junk we want whenever we feel like it! Your junk is our property!”

Well, there’s another contrast the Republicans can make with Obama for the 2012: The Democrats are the party of junk-touching. I don’t know how big the pervert vote is, but I don’t think it will be enough to ensure Obama a win.

* A memo from Larry Summers has revealed what was the strategy for Obama’s economics plans, and it ends up it was more about advancing a liberal agenda of green nonsense and what not than actually helping the economy. Plus they knew they were heading towards a cliff on debt but decided not to care.

And it’s known that Warren Buffet is going to be a guest for the State of the Union tonight to help Obama push for more taxes on the rich because that will help the economy by…

There is no logical conclusion to that sentence.

As bad as the Republican primary has looked, it’s important to remember that the least serious candidate for president is the incumbent.

* Wisdom of the Day from Basil:

What happens if an unelectable Republican runs against an unreelectable Democrat?

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Random Thoughts

If I were only old enough to be president, I’d totally ride to the rescue right now.

I hope Newt flames out again because I have a great headline for when he does: “Moot Gingrich”

Buttercup’s response to “Can you give your daddy a big hug?”: “NO!” I’m not paying for her college.

Ends up “pot holder” is not a fancy name for a bong.

I hope all the moderators for the debates have practiced debating against a Newt stand in.

Gah! For some reason DVR did not record Friday’s Chuck and not available on Hulu or Amazon or iTunes and the series finale is this Friday! Guess I may have to venture into the world of illegal downloads. Luckily SOPA wasn’t passed or I could be killed with a hellfire missile.

Newt: “I trained them all on lobbying so they’d know exactly what lobbying was so they could identify what they shouldn’t be doing.”

Romney does not seem comfortable on the attack. Now imagining Romney trying to attack Obama… I’m souring more on him.

Just checked Intrade. After the Fred Thompson endorsement, Gingrich’s chances have jumped to 105%.

We need to send in Sam Fisher to Cuba and he’ll fix things up.

Ron Paul would not be able to respond to crises because he’d be too busy yelling at White House tourists to get off his lawn.

Oil spills should only happen far away in third world countries so stupid poor people have to deal with them.

We should give guns to murderers to encourage self-execution. No wait. That’s a bad idea. That could backfire. Maybe that’s what Fast & Furious was all about.

Self deportation is the only option if deporting people is yet another one of those jobs Americans won’t do.

How much do you think they’d charge per hour to deport themselves?

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Nuke the News: Newt! Newt! Newt!

* So, are we really doing this? Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina primary — and by a large margin. And now polls have him leading in Florida. This seems a little… crazy.

I mean, I know we all don’t like Mitt Romney, and New Gingrich is very good at not being Mitt Romney, but the guy ends up angering us about as much as the left. And the general American population doesn’t like him.

Then again, he’s crazy. Maybe in these weird times, that’s what we need. Plus he has actual accomplishments to run on and was Speaker of the House when we last actually balanced the budget. And he’ll probably go after Obama and go after him hard. Hopefully he’ll get under Obama’s skin more than everyone else will get under his. And he’ll drive the left insane, and the more insane they are, the more that helps us in making them and their candidates unelectable.

Jonah Goldberg has a good article on Newt. The establishment conservatives are freaking out about this “unelectable” candidate, but if these are extraordinary times, nominating an extreme moderate like Romney is tantamount to giving up. And in the long run, that’s the suicidal move.

* BTW, Chuck Norris has endorsed Newt Gingrich. Roundhouse kick!

* So what’s Obama up to? Knowing him, it’s nothing that would be useful to anyone. Oh yeah, he’s preparing for his State of the Union speech Tuesday. I can tell you the State of the Union now: Not very good because we have an awful president. I doubt that’s what Obama will say, though, as this will really be a campaign speech for him.

“You like that last four years and want more of that?” No that’s not going to work…

“Wanna see how many more trillions I can spend?” No, that won’t help either. He’s really going to be a tough sell.

“The Republicans are extremists!” Not great either, but it’s about all he has.

* Words of Wisdom from Jim Geraghty:

When you watch The Phantom Menace in 3-D, the acting is upgraded to two-dimensional.

* Man, I always have trouble with these on Monday as I just don’t pay much attention to the news on the weekends. Plus, all of it right now is “Newt! Newt! Newt!” So what do you all think? The choice is basically Romney or Newt. Or pointlessly hope for a brokered convention. Romney is supposed to be electable… but he’s also kind of pointless. And Newt… well, he’s going to be a challenge. And he might not even be that good as president as he fancies himself an intellectual which I distrust. It’s like Sophie’s Choice if Sophie didn’t really like either of her kids.

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Random Thoughts

Obama’s biggest reelection challenge is that he’s not very good at being president and everyone knows it.

I guess I’m honored that Newsweek picked what I said as one of the top tweets making fun of them.

Drinking coffee from a glass mug just seems wrong. Coffee should only be seen from the top.

“Are you a TRY-angle or a GIVE UP-angle?” -part of my motivational speech to geometric shapes

Just realized I have no idea what state Newt was a representative of. Did he represent it well?

Like would you say, “If I were to come up with a human personification of that state, Newt would be it.” Hard to imagine a state like that.

Gingrich up to 28% of winning the nomination on Intrade. Did we forget why we soured on him the first two times?

Why did we sour on him the first two times?

Newt thinks he can win the presidency, and he seems pretty smart. Sometimes.

If there’s one lesson we can learn from the presidential campaign is that it’s much healthier to not to take this all so seriously.

Newt vs. Obama does like a strategic blunder, but it could also be the most awesome campaign battle of my lifetime.

It’s not enough to beat Obama. We need to beat him with someone the left really hates.

For Newt’s big speeches, he should have a moderator asking him questions so he can yell at him.

So how long does Newt have to implode and regain momentum before the Florida primary?

So basically the GOP is taking their 2012 strategy from Thelma and Louise.

When you imagine how apoplectic the left will be if Newt actually beats Obama, it’s almost worth the risk.

Romney is electable. Problem is that’s all he is. An election is a means, not an end.

Love how because of the polar bears, Buttercup loudly shouts, “Rarr!” whenever she sees a Coke can.

Morgan Freeman saying “epic” just seems wrong.

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Open Thread: Newt got better

After opening the week behind Mitt Romney according to the polls of South Carolina voters, Fox News’ Juan Williams, ABC News/ex-wife Number Two, and CNN’s John King gave Newt Gingrich a shot in the arm. Gingrich pulled out a big win in the South Carolina primary tonight.

I won’t spend a lot of time on this. We’ll be digesting it. Some of us are happy. Some of us are appalled. Some of us, well, we’re just entertained.

Frank will have lots to say about this, probably Monday, based on his Twitter feed. But, for now, I’m going to follow IMAO commenter Jimmy’s suggestion and open this up for comments.

Yes, it’s Saturday night. There could be some things said in the heat of liquor that need to be corrected tomorrow. But, for now, it’s an open thread.

What do YOU think about the primary results? Or the races ahead?

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Nuke the News: Eye of Newt

* So, Newt surged to be frontrunner a month or so back and then everyone just kind of faded on him because, well, he’s Newt and he’s unstable. But I guess Romney marching to the nomination was just too bitter a pill to swallow as — BOOM! — Newt is surging in popularity again and it’s looking like he’s going to win South Carolina. Are we really going to do this?

Yeah, it’s fun to see Newt yell at moderators and we want to see him do that at Obama too, but the guy says some crazy stuff. And not always crazy conservative stuff. He’s a bomb, and we never know if he’s going to blow up the enemy or explode in our faces.

Then again, Romney is so boring and useless. It’s going to be a big effort to get anything done about the debt and the size of government, and I don’t see moderate Romney making the attempt. I’m almost of the mind that if we’re going to fail, let’s at least fail spectacularly.

So maybe we should stand behind Newt… but far behind. With a bomb shield in between us.

* BTW, here’s video from last night’s debate of Newt belittling the moderator for bringing up Newt’s crazy personal life:

I have to admit, that’s fun to watch. And if you imagine Obama in place of the moderator, that would be awesome. Would it win an election? I don’t know. But it just seems like someone really needs to publicly lecture Obama on how much he sucks.

* BTW, is Rick Santorum still around? Despite winning Iowa and doing well other places, no one seems to talk about him and everyone acts like the race is Romney and Newt. I think he’s just too whiny for people to envision as president. Plus, I’ve still never understood what his qualifications are supposed to be as he served as Senator a little while but I don’t know of anything too important he’s done. Still, he brought the long knives to the debate last night and was the first person to really go after Romney on Romneycare. If only Tim Pawlenty could have done the same.

* Obama went to Disney World. I heard no one was able to wear those Mickey ears hats as Obama was convinced they were making fun of him.

Know what, it just looks right him standing in front of Cinderella’s castle. Maybe he should stay there and be the Disney World president who tourists come to get photos with… you know, and someone more serious could handle the actual presidenting job. Or Newt.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon G.:

Santorum would make a good town elder in Footloose.

* A monkey thought to be extinct has been rediscovered in the jungles of Borneo. Man, every time I think we’re making progress…

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Random Thoughts

The Keystone pipeline would make greens unhappy, and can you put a price tag on happiness? If you did, it’s apparently billions of dollars

“I have invented colorful dough that kids can mold into shapes. I shall name it after myself.” -Plato

Nominating Newt is one of those plans you’d suffix with “It’s so crazy, it just might work!”

2nd look at Newt! (or are we up to 3rd now?)

I have no idea whether Newt would be a good or bad president, but I’m absolutely certain he’d be a hilarious one.

If you don’t care so much about winning as you do making sure the election season is crazy awesome, Newt is the way to go.

Mitt or Newt? Do we choose to die of boredom or in a massive explosion?

Newt 2012: “Hug the grizzly bear and hope for the best.”

“Newtonium is a powerful, unstable element that could easily kill us all when handled.”
“I only heard ‘powerful’.”

We Republicans set our expectations way too high by having any.

I know this slate of candidates looks bad, but I’m political satirist, so all I see is a secure financial future. If we can somehow get Newt to be president, that alone should propel me into the 1%.

Today is the day I finally teach Buttercup to say, “Arrr!” like a pirate.

The Republican primary reminds of that year with American Idol where Sanjaya kept sticking around while actual good singers were voted off.


If you’ve designed a government that relies on good competent people to run it, you’ve designed a government to fail.

Romney: “Let me just talk a lot until you tune out and assume I answered the charge.”

Why is Ron Paul still in debates? I know they usually go by polling on who should attend, but shouldn’t there be a nuttiness standard?

There’s nothing easier than coasting as a legislator. It’s not much by itself to run on.

The best way for someone as rich as Romney to get more sympathy is to bring into his home an adorable orphan.

Why do I care about Mitt Romney’s tax returns? Does he owe me something?

Ron Paul doesn’t take lobbyist money. He sticks to honest racist newsletter money.

In a better world, our income wouldn’t even be the government’s business.

Government works for us. We need to see its budget, not the other way around.

They’d hire 500,000 Americans if enough of them would work for $0.10 an hour.

We like outsourcing poverty.

I don’t like borders. I don’t like foreign countries touching us.

A Lincoln-Douglas debate is just like a regular debate but with stovepipe hats. In other words, a Lincoln-Douglas debate IS AWESOME!

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