Random Thoughts

Okay, I didn’t have any random thoughts yesterday — not a one. As I’ve said, it’s been kind of a crazy week, but I’ll think more in the future, I swear. So why don’t we use this space to think about what’s most important in life. Like oxygen.

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Nuke the News: Religious Firing Freedom

* If Romney likes firing people, know what he should have been? A religious organization. The Supreme Court has ruled that if someone has any ministry duties, they can be fired for whatever reason and can’t sue for job discrimination. So there’s an actual extra freedom religion has, and it was supported in a 9-0 decision. So we’re always thinking everything is going to hell in a handbasket lately, but there’s some good news here and there. So do you think other businesses are going to become more religious so they can have more control over their own hiring and firing? Wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.

* An Iranian nuclear scientist was killed in a car bomb. But explosions are so common in the Middle East, they consider that a death by natural causes.

So who was responsible? The CIA? Mossad? Teenagers? Yeah, probably punk teenagers. Lou, cancel the prom!

* Warren Buffet said he should be paying more in taxes. So he was told he can just go ahead and write a check and do that. And his response: “No, you do that!” What a little weasel. I mean, he obviously understands giving the government more of his money is basically just tossing it in a black hole and pointless, yet he wants to forcefully confiscate other people’s money for this? I’m starting to think maybe the government should confiscate his money and give it to more responsible, more honest billionaires.

* Hostess has filed for bankruptcy. We all thought Michelle Obama’s healthy eating crusade was funny, but now it’s destroying jobs. Michelle, don’t let your hatred of fat kids destroy the American economy!

* Well, that’s all I have time for today. What did you all find newsworthy today? Hmm. That’s very interesting. Tell me more!

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Probably Just Me

[pic via IMAO reader Laurie]

Has anyone else noticed that Michelle Obama’s eyebrows run at opposite angles to her brow ridges, making it look like she has two x’s above her eyes?

It’s like Beaker was on vacation and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew had a bad accident with her at Muppet Labs.

By the way, from now on, you’ll be helpless to keep from noticing Michelle’s XX problem in every picture you see of her. Sorry about that.

Bonus question: what was originally in the background before they the White House web-nerds photoshopped in the out-of-focus stockings and Christmas tree?

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Random Thoughts

Hostess is bankrupt? Now Michelle Obama’s healthy eating campaign is KILLING JOBS!

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Stop Romney? Unpossible!

We’ve been told by the media, so you know it’s true: Romney is unstoppable!

Have you seen the delegate count?

He already has 20 delegates, 7 of which are binding. And he’s only … let’s do the math real quick … 1,124 shy of securing the nomination. Unless the 13 non-binding delegates jump ship. Even then he’s still only 1,137 delegates shy of wrapping this whole thing up.

Rick Santorum, meanwhile, only has 12 non-binding delegates. That means he has to get all of 1,132 delegates and hope none of those 12 go elsewhere. Unpossible, I tell you!

Look at the numbers! 1,124 is less than 1,132. There’s no way Santorum can get such a large number in so short a period of time. And Romney? That small number he has to achieve and he’s got months to get that total. Unstoppable, I tell you!!

And don’t even get me started on how far Newt Gingrich or Rick Perry has to go. They’re both 20 delegates behind Romney.


But for the rest of the GOP field? Give it up. It’s over. Pack it in, fellas. There’s no way Romney can be stopped. He’s a juggernaut. Which is like an astronaut, but with jugs. Or maybe I’m thinking of something I saw on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Doesn’t matter. Romney can’t be stopped!

The Republican establishment is ready for you to come on board. The media is ready for you to come on board. They are ready to accept your support of Mitt Romney.

[Direct link]

Join them, won’t you?

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Nuke the News:

* Going to have to skimp on the post today as it’s been kind of a crazy week. Anyway, you know what’s going on: Romney won New Hampshire, it’s inevitable he’s the nominee so let’s prepare for Romney vs. Obama, blah blah blah.

* Well, one other thing. Feel like I should link to one of the few times Ron Paul makes sense while the other candidates are talking nonsense. The way the other “conservative” candidate have been going after Romney’s business experience is disgusting.

* Also, I have to mention this.

Citing ongoing threats from nuclear proliferation, climate change, and the need to find sustainable and safe sources of energy, scientists moved the “Doomsday Clock” one minute closer to midnight on Tuesday.

You understand this is like saying “Citing how cute and lovable they are, scientists played with My Little Ponies and brushed each others hair.” It may involve “scientists” (though I haven’t seen their credentials), but it has nothing to do with science. Science is not arbitrarily moving hands on a giant toy clock based on predictions the scientific method can’t even begin to make. We really need more distinction between “science” and “things people called scientists are doing and saying” as the latter often isn’t science but simply “idiocy”.

* Well, that’s it. Be honorable, ronin.

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Random Thoughts

A big advantage of a Republican president is that press will actually hold him accountable.

The primary has given Republicans a lot of choices on how long they want to pretend they’re not going to nominate Romney.

When I was a kid, they spent a lot of time teaching us what racism is. With next gen, spend some time teaching them what racism isn’t.

Fixing my car makes me realize how archaically mechanical a car is. When will they be solid state?

So are we gearing up for Romney vs. Obama or are we pretending a bit longer?

Buttercup has croup. You’ve never seen a more pathetic 15 month year old.

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lolbama! Part 80

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Larsinkima:

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From Larsinkima:

[reference link]

From tanstaafl:

From Travelwise42:

[reference link]

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From James:

[reference link]

From Jim:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From tanstaafl:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

I’m going with Travelwise42, since I’m guessing not many folk remember that headline.

What say you?

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Romney the Capitalist

* Well, I think I’m done and ready to declare Romney our nominee. There is a lot — a lot — I don’t like about Romney, but when the other Republicans are attacking him for being a capitalist, I’m pretty much done with everyone else and ready to embrace the inevitable. I mean, really, the last minute ploy is to come at Romney from the left? And the last thing this economy needs is people acting all uncomfortable with how the free market works. It’s like everyone is going Huntsman and forgetting they’re running in a Republican primary.

* Romney made a statement about how it’s nice to be able to fire people who give you bad service — like a lot of people can’t do with those who provides their health insurance or any service associated with government — and now political hacks (including, again, some “Republicans” running against him in the primary) are piling on. I notice that when Romney gets hit with dumb attacks, I immediately forget all his faults and go into defense mode. Well, that’s a preview of what the rest of the year is going to be like as liberals learn who their target is and come up with every dumb attack they can. It would be nice to have someone to root for, but we’ll just have to satisfy ourselves knocking down twits.

And wouldn’t it be awesome if Romney became president and did nothing but fire people?

* BTW, there is the New Hampshire primary today. Doesn’t seem to be getting as much attention as Iowa because Romney is expected to run away with it. There’s a little bit of drama on who will get second place as it might be Huntsman’s last and only hurrah. Of course, there is no prize for second place in the primary as a lot of Republican candidates don’t seem to understand.

* So Obama’s chief of staff is resigning. I don’t think he probably shoulders most of the blame for why the president is so unpopular, though. If you want to fire who’s really responsible, we can do that in November. Expect a big jump in the president’s popularity after that.

* In 2009, Obama had a big lavish Alice in Wonderland party, but we never heard of it because the press were nice enough not to mention it since they thought a big lavish party held by the Obama’s would make him look bad with a recession going on. And that leads us to a big advantage to a Republican president: The press will actually hold him accountable.

* Obama has banned mining for uranium around the Grand Canyon. Where are we supposed to get our uranium, then? It’s like Obama hates this country. And is uncomfortable with the thought of us having nuclear weapons.

* Wisdom of the Day from John Podhoretz:

Todd Palin endorses Newt. In other news, my daughter just ate a tomato.

* As we settle in to having Romney as our nominee, we might as well work on some more slogans for him. Here’s a new one I came up with:

“Romney: He just seems like a president”

BTW, Romney campaign, I’m available for consulting work. I’m very expensive… which means I’m very good.

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Random Thoughts

Wow. When I actually heard the full Romney firing statement, it was the most innocuous thing ever.

I wasn’t sold on Romney, but with the other Republicans complaining he’s a capitalist, I’m getting closer.

Mitt Romney’s “I like to run over poor people in my limousine” statement is actually rather innocuous when heard in context.

“This independent film is really boring.”
“No, it’s a defensive struggle.”

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BCS Champions or BS Champions?

Former LSU coach Nick Saban holds the National Championship trophy

For the first time since they started the BCS, a non-conference champion won the title game. And, unless you count the Bowl Alliance (1995-1997 seasons), it was the first time the SEC champion lost the “title game.”

But was it really a title game?

A lot of people seemed to be upset that Alabama, which didn’t win its conference — heck, it didn’t even win its division — was even in the title game.

Of course, I don’t remember hearing all those people piss and moan when Oklahoma played in the title game in 2004 (2003 season) even though they got beat by Kansas State in the Big 12 title game. LSU ended up beating the Sooners in the National Championship Game.

I also don’t remember a bunch of whining when Nebraska was in the title game in 2002 (2001 season) when they didn’t qualify for the Big 12 title game. Miami beat the Huskers in the National Championship Game.

But, this time, the non-conference champ beat the team that “deserved” to be there, unlike the two Big 12 teams from the 2001 & 2002 seasons.

Of course, this was a rematch from a game played earlier in the year. That’s never happened before. Unless you count the 1997 Bowl Alliance title game (1996 season) between Florida and Florida State. FSU won the regular season finale, but Florida won the rematch in the National Championship Game.

So what happened — a non-conference champ in the game and a rematch in the game — has happened before. All this whining should have happened the first time one of these things happened. Or the second. Or the third. Waiting until the fourth is a little late.

What should have happened? There should have been a playoff. The 11 conference champions and the top five non-conference champions should have been placed in a pool of 16. Like I wrote about here. Then, the two teams that are still standing after that have shown they deserve to be there. Who knows what would have happened? We may have had an Alabama-LSU rematch. Or, a game between Oklahoma State and Boise State.

Will a playoff happen? No, because a true championship isn’t the goal of the people in charge.

So, we’re stuck with a very imperfect system. Sort of like how we pick presidential candidates.

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Nuke the News: Giant Ant Heads

* If we want to get more people to pay attention to the debt crisis, we need to learn from global warming on how to present it.

Think of it: The next time the president tries to raise the debt ceiling and spend our way out of debt, panicked scientists rush to the president and say, “According to our computer models, if you keep adding to a number, it gets bigger.”

He’d probably demand they recheck their data, and they would say, “It’s undeniable: Only subtraction reduces the debt.” And the president would have to listen to them, because they’d be wearing lab coats.

Yes, it’s a new New York Post column by me, Frank J. Fleming. Go read it and have fun.

* So there were two Republican debates over the weekend. I watched the one Saturday but not the one Sunday morning because it was on Sunday morning. Anyway, the Saturday one was awful. They spent 15 minutes talking about whether states should theoretically be able to ban contraception — because that’s the big issue of the day. And the next two questions were on gay marriage because you know how many Republicans there are out there waiting to hear the candidates talk more about gay marriage before they make their decision.

Why do we have moderators of Republican debates who have no idea what Republicans actually care about? This is the heart of media bias: Even if these people tried as hard as they could to be fair to conservatives, they don’t understand them enough to represent their views. Liberals are just ignorant, and that’s fine and dandy except in a Republican primary debate.

* BTW, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. Before one of you whines (and you should know, conservatives don’t whine) that barely any of the voting has happened yet, I’m just telling you what reality is. With how Romney is doing in the polls and how none of the other candidates have been able to lay a finger on him — and have barely even tried in the recent debates — it’s a done deal. If you don’t want Romney to be the Republican nominee, you better pray for a meteor because that’s what it will take to stop him now. Reality, dudes.

For the rest of us, we can start working on a Romney slogan. “Romney: Clearly not Obama”. Best I can come up with so far.

* So Obama is bypassing the Constitution again to do non-recess recess appointments, and Sunny is on the case:

* Illinois is apparently bouncing checks on lottery winnings. First off, don’t play the lottery — do something useful with your money. Second, don’t play the lottery in Chicago because you can’t trust these people.

Remember, Chicago is where Obama got all his political knowledge. What checks do you think he’s going to start bouncing?

* Wisdom of the Day from Ace of Spades:

protip: the best people to rebut a charge that a candidate has courted Nazis are probably not the Nazis who have been successfully courted.

* Has your main complaint about ants been that their jaws aren’t massive enough? Well, then it’s Science! to the rescue! Yes, Science! is making ant heads bigger because… it can. And if you’re all like, “I don’t like ants with massive heads and jaws!” then you’re anti-science. Stop standing in the way of progress, progress towards… a more powerful ant future, I guess.

So we can make ants with larger heads, but we can’t even get to the moon anymore? Which is too bad because that would be a good place to get away from the massive-jawed ants.

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Random Thoughts

I prefer a secular government, but I’d like it designed and run by Christians. I still won’t trust it.

Aww man. I just realized the true meaning of Christmas but it’s a couple weeks late. Hope I remember it for next year.

How can you live in America and not own a gun? That’s like living in France and not owning stinky cheese.

For you Republican candidates trying to gain traction: Just punch a hippie in the face and make sure there are witnesses.

When my mom heard I was going to be on Monica Crowley’s show, her reaction was, “She knows Bill O’Reilly!”

It’s okay to hate and dehumanize people if you do it over politics and not race.

So Obama claims he never heard his pastor say nutty, racist things, and Ron Paul claims he never heard himself say it.

So how many Republicans are out there waiting on more discussion of gay marriage to decide who to vote for?

Are we really out of Iraq when we have thousands of armed contractors still there?

The Republican candidates all know there isn’t actually a prize for 2nd place, right?

Jon Huntsman: “I watched Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon without subtitles and followed most of it. Elect me president.”

Since it’s now pretty much certain Romney is going to be the nominee, what are we going to talk about until the convention?

Wow. The Simpsons are going to be having their 500th episode soon. I think you could probably count on one hand how many of those episodes I’ve never seen. Of course, for the first ten seasons, I probably average having seen each episode three times.

Turned the Bronco/Steelers game on and as soon as she saw a guy in a football helmet, Buttercup put her arms in the air and yelled, “Touchdown!”

Buttercup loves the Christmas coke cans. She keeps pointing at the polar bears on them and yells, “Rarr!”

Pep talk to Steelers: “Come on; this is to defeat Christianity once and for all.”

Didn’t seem like a Hail Mary would work against Tebow.

Lesson learned: If you homeschool your child and teach him to be a good Christian, he’ll win playoffs in the NFL.

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Nuke the News: Chevy Volt Sales Are on Fire

* I will be on Monica Crowley’s radio show this weekend. I’ll be on probably around 2:30pm if you’re in New York, but the show airs at lots of different times on lots of different stations, so check your local listings. Hopefully it will also appear online.

* I was all okay with Romney being a nothing squish taking office and trying not to rock the boat as all moderates do, but then I realized something: No one becomes the president without aiming for greatness when there (except for Coolidge, of course). So what will Mitt Romney do to try and be known as great? If you consider him really a moderate at heart, what would a moderate do that he thinks is significant? It’s kind of a scary question.

* GM is recalling 8,000 Chevy Volts because they catch fire. That’s right: They took the explosive fuel out of the car and somehow made it more flammable. But it’s saving the environment — if you consider the insides of a volcano part of the environment.

The thing is, I don’t think they’ve sold 8,000 Volts. So where are most of them? I hope someone is keeping track of them. I’d hate to think they’re out there, lurking, waiting to burn us all down.

Now I get the Volts’s strategy to save the environment: Kill the humans and burn down their stuff!

* Hey I have a great idea: I don’t agree with someone’s politics, but instead of arguing on that I’ll just go after how they mourned the loss of a child. Some people trade their humanity for their partisanship, and their politics end up less like reasoned stances on issues and more like a mental disease. People like that should be locked up in asylum and injected with stuff. I don’t care with what.

* So who are the biggest religious persecutors in the world? Number one is North Korea, and usually commies have been high on the list, but the rest of the top ten is now all Muslim countries. I don’t know if anyone else has notices this, but do some Muslims seem a little insecure when their religion is challenged?

* Scientists have made chimera monkeys, combining six monkeys into one super monkey. Well, it actually just seems like another regular monkey, yet somehow I know this could lead to apes taking over the world. Shouldn’t it be rule number one when deciding whether an experiment is ethical that scientists ask themselves, “Could this possibly lead to The Planet of the Apes”?

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Random Thoughts

Spiders should evolve to jump at people’s faces when they try to kill them. I wouldn’t kill spiders if I thought they might jump at my face.

What’s made me wary about Jon Huntsman is that his name, when translated from English, means “to hunt man”.

Quite the engineering feat to take the explosive fuel out of a car yet make it more flammable.

Everyone who is president wants to be known as a great president. What do you think Romney would do towards the goal of greatness? I’m actually kind of scared by that question.

Of course, Coolidge didn’t care about greatness. He was the honey badger president.

Is everyone still talking about the Republican presidential primary? When are we done with that?

I knew I wasn’t going to like who the GOP picked as their nominee when I realized he was probably going to be a politician.

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