Nuke the News: Leap Day!

* It’s February 29th — Leap Day. An extra day you get this year. So, as an American, it means an extra day for you to be awesome. So try a new meal with bacon and punch an extra hippie and blow something up. As Americans, we need to be using every day to its fullest, so this year should be 1/365th more awesome than the previous year.

* So from out of nowhere this Romney guy comes in to win both Arizona and Michigan primaries.

Seriously, though, are we back to Romney being inevitable? I know I’m hoping this primary gets wrapped up next Tuesday — the super of Tuesdays. It’s not that I like Romney as much as I’m just tried of the stupid primary and want to focus on how bad Obama is. Why can’t we just focus on him? He’s awful.

* Olympia Snowe is retiring. You know her; she’s kept a seat warm in the Senate for years while tsking all those mean conservatives. Republicans are panicked because they don’t think they’ll be able to replace her. Is it really that hard to find some boring moderate Republican who vows to never to do anything useful that might upset the status quo? I’m pretty sure there’s oodles of them just sitting around chiding others for being extreme while offering absolutely no solutions for the problems of bloated government and increasing debt.

Or we could just train a dog for the job. One bark yes, two barks no. It would be a big change to have a senator who is loyal.

* Apparently students in Georgetown are going broke with all the contraception they have to buy. Really? That’s not just regular slutty, that’s like super mega slutty. Anyone buying that much contraception should probably be writing it off on her taxes as a business expense.

It used to be freedom was having access to contraception. Now freedom is forcing someone else to buy contraception for you — which isn’t really freedom at all. Well, less freedom, more loose women.

* Gitmo detainees are getting a $750,000 soccer field. That’s outrageous. Not so much the cost as much as we’re letting our enemies play a stupid European sport on our dime. We can’t have terrorists run around for ninety minutes to end in a 0-0 tie; that will just reinforce their angry, terroristy behavior. Teach them some useful productive sports. Build them a football field. Give them each a football. And then tackle them. Bam! That’s how we do things in America! And, I guess, also how we do things when we’re in Cuba.

* This is pretty inevitable: The endangered species act has led to mass slaughter of animals. Yes to help save the spotted owl, they’re going to kill off another owl. Law to save animals plus bureaucracy equals mass slaughter.

So what will health care plus government bureaucracy equal?

* Wisdom of the Day from Jonah Goldberg:

Ed Schultz is on MSNBC complaining about “Bullies.” Like Jesse Ventura complaining about gravelly-voiced paranoid nut jobs.

* Apparently prehistoric penguins stood nearly five feet tall. Scientists estimate they were the world’s deadliest creatures ever and possibly killed off the dinosaurs. Maybe using laser rifles. Five foot penguins with laser rifles — that’s why you only stick to historic times. Because the time before things were historic — the prehistoric times — were crazy.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

Can’t believe Olympia Snowe is suddenly retiring after all those years of working hard for the causes of blah and meh.

You could train a dog to be a mediocre senator; it just needs to vote yes and no. But it would be loyal.

How hard should it be to find another blah moderate Republican who will excite absolutely no one?

They need to do a darker, grittier remake of The Sound of Music.

At least if Romney wins the nomination now, we’ll feel that he really worked for it at least.

So can we maybe wrap this farce up next Tuesday then?

I’m so excited for Super Tuesday because then it will be only one more day until the iPad 3 announcement.

So what does Moot Gingrich have to say about this? Ha! Been holding onto that one for a while.

The proper response to anyone talking about the 99% or the 1% is a punch to the face followed by a, “Shut up, hippie!”

Send to Kindle

lolterizt! Part 152

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Mr. Right:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From James:

From Kris:

From Mxymaster:

[reference link]

From Porpie5:

From Steve:

From Travelwise42:

From Travelwise42:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with [Hat tip: Freemon]:


Mr. Right takes the prize for “Opti-Grab”, mostly because he bribed me with a check for $1.09.

Honorable mention to Kris for his encyclopedic knowledge of ancient internet memes.

What say you?


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: This Is a Job For…

* Now Gingrich is starting to talk about us getting out of Afghanistan. When so many people riot and murder over a couple books being burned, you do start to wonder what exactly it is we hope to achieve over there. Maybe in the future instead of nation building we should stick to just blowing stuff up in other countries and leaving. We won’t be engaging countries on a more direct level, but maybe they’ll still figure out how to behave if we blow them up enough times. It’s like a more extreme version of hippie punching, as a hippie getting repeatedly punched in the face may eventually help a hippie to learn to not be such a hippie… at least according to a recent scientific study I conducted.

* According to a poll, most Americans believe Obama’s health care mandate is unconstitutional. Obama never did make Obamacare as popular as he hoped… probably because of that whole ignoring the Constitution thing. Now if only five out of nine of the Supreme Court Justices have basic reading comprehension they’ll find Obamacare to be unconstitutional too. And there goes Obama’s biggest achievement. Well, he’ll still have the hundreds in billions in “stimulus” he wasted to no real purpose.

* In another poll with bad news for Obama, 75% of people think the rich should pay 30% or less in taxes — which is lower than their current tax rate. If Democrats were expecting people to be irrationally greedy and hateful of rich people, they might have some trouble. I blame Occupy Wall Street. Through them, people got to see how dumb and pathetic you look when all you do is concern yourself with someone else’s wealth. No one wants to end up as a hippie… because then you’ll find yourself in a scientific experiment where I punch you.

* The Supreme Court won’t take emergency measures to prevent the Asian carp from reaching the Great Lakes. Who in the world, though, when threatened by a fish, would turn to Supreme Court for help? That’s definitely a job for Aquaman. Well, if Superman, Batman, and the Green Lantern aren’t available. Then — if Wonder Woman is one of her “moods” — it’s definitely a job for Aquaman. You’ll just have to buy his plane ticket to get him from the ocean to the Great Lakes.

Aquaman!

* Wisdom of the Day from Sean Thomason:

In modern usage, “Santa Fe” translates roughly to “there’s corn in it.”

* If you live in Michigan or Arizona, remember to vote in the primary today. If Romney doesn’t win in Michigan, it’s supposed to be doom for him. Then we may end up with Santorum as our nominee — who could be a huge disaster in the general election. Or possibly more electable. Though maybe Romney is better positioned because everyone already knows his faults and there will be no surprises. Or no one will vote for him because no one likes him. Then again, perhaps Newt Gingrich is the only one who will actually energize people with a positive view of America and its future. Or he’ll say something stupid and implode as he always does. So anyway… RON PAUL!

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

Why is $2.50 a gallon gas suddenly this unreachable goal. How long ago was it that we last had that?

What? I only had one thought and it wasn’t even funny? What a gyp!

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: The Final Battle of Romney Versus Not-Romney?

* The Michigan and Arizona primaries are tomorrow, and then we’ll find out if Romney still has a threat from the last not-Romney standing. And then next Tuesday is Super Tuesday, and maybe things will be sewn up then. I kind of just want this primary over so we all can just focus on how bad Obama is instead of Republican infighting. Everyone already knows how bad Republicans are; we need to focus on people comprehending how bad Obama is. It’s kind of like with the debt: It’s so large it’s difficult to grasp. That’s how bad a president Obama is.

* But Obama won’t take this competition lying down. He’s unveiled a new slogan: Greater together. And it’s quite true as Obama is very useless by himself and thus much greater when paired with other people. Of course, while helping himself, he tends to diminish us. Kind of like a parasite. Maybe that could be the emblem of his campaign: A tick.

Which would lead to another great campaign slogan: “Spoooon!”

* Will Obama be able to compete with Romney’s ability to relate to the common man, though? In showing he was just like any other redneck who enjoys NASCAR, Romney said that he’s friends with people who own NASCAR teams. And then he said, “I appreciate McDonald’s too; I once had a lobster dinner with the CEO of McDonald’s.” And then he added, “And Wal-Mart is a great store. I haven’t shopped there, but I did shop for a yacht with the owner of Wal-Mart.” And then he had a money fight with the locals, which he always wins since he tends to be the only one with large wads of money ready to throw.

* The creator of the famous Obama “HOPE” poster has pleaded guilty to contempt. Hey, remember back in 2008 people thought Obama was going to be this transformational president? He sort of lost a lot of his mystique when he actually became president and really sucked at it. But at least we’re having progress now that his mindless supporters are being arrested and put on trial. A few million more to go.

* Richard Dawkins says he can’t be sure God doesn’t exist. Well, you know what I do when I’m not sure about something? I go on a big crusade about it and write a bunch of books on the subject. No, wait, that sounds more like what someone with a mental disorder would do. That’s one of the crazy things about lots of atheists: They’re whole movement is supposed to be about being logical and reasonable, yet they tend to rail against religion is a very mindless way that doesn’t seem to serve any more purpose than a tantrum. Perhaps I just don’t understand their strong faith in not having faith.

* Wisdom of the Day from Tony Hernandez:

Contrary to what girls say, they LOVE watching guys play video games

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

“‘Useless by myself.'”
“How about we go the other way with ‘Greater together.'”
-Obama slogan brainstorm

Are we back to Romney being inevitable again?

Got an Obama campaign email titled “They’re obsessed” which mentions the Koch brothers in the opening sentence.

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: Five More Years!

* Obama told a Hispanic audience that “I’ve got another five years coming up.” People think he’s being arrogant about his reelection, but maybe he had been told by a gypsy of when his untimely death would occur and he was referring to that.

The context, though, was him explaining why he hadn’t done all the amnesty pandering he had promised Latinos, so his answer was basically, “I’ve got plenty of time; I’ll get to it later. Why, is this like important to you people?” Hope Latinos weren’t expecting affordable gas either, because that’s another one Obama is totally going to get to in a few more years or so.

* Hamid Karzai has demanded a trial of whoever it is that burned some Korans. Twelve people have been killed in the idiotic riots from the results of this nothing, but let’s totally worry about a couple books. Why did Obama apologize for this? The apology should have been, “I’m sorry your country has so many barbaric, morally twisted individuals who would riot and murder random people over some paper being burned. It feels me with a deep sadness and a desire to just start slapping people in the Middle East and just never ever stop.” Are we ever going to start treating Muslims in the Middle East like fellow human beings and thus have expectations that they act like human beings, or are we going to stick with considering them wild dogs who we have to be careful not to irk because they’re just mindless and violent?

And maybe the Muslims there should consider finding a much more powerful god who isn’t threatened by a little fire.

* Obama is mocking Republicans over the high gas price issue. Yeah, that makes sense.

“Ha. Look at those Republicans all licking their chops ready to make my huge incompetence and complete uselessness an election issue. They’re probably also going to make a big deal out of how I blocked the Keystone pipeline that would have helped with gas prices and created jobs; how silly of them. And I guess next their going to point out how I’m wetting my pants right now; what goofy goof Republicans. Ha. I am laughing.”

But don’t worry, Obama has a comprehensive plan to bring down gas prices. And it will succeed because Obama has a long history of comprehensive plans that totally work and do useful things. And he’s also sent us each our own unicorn. They’re invisible; that’s how you know they’re authentic unicorns.

* Wisdom of the Day from Loren Heal:

Shorter Obama: GOP acts like oil is just waiting underground.

* Paleontologists are using 3D printers to make small robot dinosaurs. While this doesn’t necessarily help make dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them, it certainly doesn’t hurt the cause.

So what would a Paleontologist use small robot dinosaurs for? What a silly question.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

Obama explaining infanticide vote: “Babies neither vote nor have money to donate. I don’t get their purpose.”

If I shake hands with Marco Rubio, can I get Mormon on me?

Muslims in the Middle East seem to get a lot more upset when we burn books than when we burn Muslims.

Drug Dealer: “This here is quality blow, not Charles M. blow.”

My book is still the number one political humor Kindle ebook. Apparently not a lot of competition there.

Saw a library list my book as one of the ebooks they’ve recently added. For some reason, that tickles me.

Amazon already lists my next book and I haven’t even turned in the manuscript yet. Pressure!

If you think a book being burned is worth murdering people over, your religious views are crap.

Is the new female M&M from the M&M ads supposed to be a hipster? I get a hipster vibe from her.

Buttercup almost drew on my Bible. She was so close to causing me to riot and murder.

If only the right to privacy extended to our incomes.

So are you allowed to highlight passages in a Koran as you do a Bible, or does that cause more riots and murder?

There is no point in engaging interent trolls. Even if he’s a columnist for a major newspaper.

As a child, Obama was taught in a madrasah to hate America, but he was a very dumb student so it didn’t take.

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: The Last Republican Debate

* The final Republican primary debate was last night. I don’t think it did Rick Santorum any favors. When attacked he simply didn’t respond very well. I mean, people go after Romney on how he’s basically the father of Obamacare and somehow he weasels out of it, but every time Santorum got attacked on earmarks or supporting Arlen Specter, he was like, “Let me explain.” And then he gave some long, eye-rolling explanation (“Sometimes you have to take one for the team.”) that didn’t seem to help much.

So I think Santorum is on the way down. And I don’t think Gingrich has an extra life left. So… Romney. At least he’s our weasel… sort of. Well, Arizona and Michigan vote on Feb. 28 and Super Tuesday isn’t long after that, and hopefully this mess will be over by then and we can focus on the nitwit we want out.

* So the UK raised taxes on the rich, and now they are… getting even less revenue. This is the sort of thing you should figure out playing Sim City before you get into actual government. If in that game you tried to get more revenue by constantly raising taxes, it doesn’t work because people leave. It’s a simple point, but liberals seems physically unable to grasp it as they are just determined to punish the rich despite having no actual reason or logic behind it.

* 51% of Californians say they’re ready to reelect Obama. Considering how horrible the state has been run and yet Californians keep reelecting the same idiots, at what point do you stop considering that enthusiastic Democrat support and instead characterize it as a suicide attempt?

This is an interesting strategy the Democrats have where they fail a state into solid Democrat control. They just make things so horrible that all the sane Republicans leave. Not really sure what the counter strategy is to that. I just hope Idaho eventually passes a law that Democrats aren’t allowed to immigrate here because we don’t want that happening to our state. Won’t someone think of the potatoes!

* So Google is working on glasses that we’ll wear and information will pop up on while we’re walking. So basically they’re trying to kill us all by making us wander into traffic or something. Maybe I’m just being a Luddite, though; maybe a data overlay can be helpful without being a deadly distraction. Still, when these come out, I’m going to stay off the streets for a while. I mean, that was the whole point of the internet in the first place — that we don’t need to leave our houses.

* If you were worried that males were going to go extinct, scientists say you can stop your worry. Since the y-chromosome doesn’t recombine and just gets passed as is from male to male, scientists were afraid that in about 5 millions years it would be reduced to nothing. And then there wouldn’t be men… which might seem like a problem for the human race. Like, who would kill spiders then? But scientist now think the y chromosome has about stopped degrading, so males will be around for a long time — they’ll just be much sissier as modern trends indicate.

Send to Kindle