Archive for February, 2012

Nuke the News: Leap Day!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012 11:00 am

* It’s February 29th — Leap Day. An extra day you get this year. So, as an American, it means an extra day for you to be awesome. So try a new meal with bacon and punch an extra hippie and blow something up. As Americans, we need to be using every day to its fullest, so this year should be 1/365th more awesome than the previous year.

* So from out of nowhere this Romney guy comes in to win both Arizona and Michigan primaries.

Seriously, though, are we back to Romney being inevitable? I know I’m hoping this primary gets wrapped up next Tuesday — the super of Tuesdays. It’s not that I like Romney as much as I’m just tried of the stupid primary and want to focus on how bad Obama is. Why can’t we just focus on him? He’s awful.

* Olympia Snowe is retiring. You know her; she’s kept a seat warm in the Senate for years while tsking all those mean conservatives. Republicans are panicked because they don’t think they’ll be able to replace her. Is it really that hard to find some boring moderate Republican who vows to never to do anything useful that might upset the status quo? I’m pretty sure there’s oodles of them just sitting around chiding others for being extreme while offering absolutely no solutions for the problems of bloated government and increasing debt.

Or we could just train a dog for the job. One bark yes, two barks no. It would be a big change to have a senator who is loyal.

* Apparently students in Georgetown are going broke with all the contraception they have to buy. Really? That’s not just regular slutty, that’s like super mega slutty. Anyone buying that much contraception should probably be writing it off on her taxes as a business expense.

It used to be freedom was having access to contraception. Now freedom is forcing someone else to buy contraception for you — which isn’t really freedom at all. Well, less freedom, more loose women.

* Gitmo detainees are getting a $750,000 soccer field. That’s outrageous. Not so much the cost as much as we’re letting our enemies play a stupid European sport on our dime. We can’t have terrorists run around for ninety minutes to end in a 0-0 tie; that will just reinforce their angry, terroristy behavior. Teach them some useful productive sports. Build them a football field. Give them each a football. And then tackle them. Bam! That’s how we do things in America! And, I guess, also how we do things when we’re in Cuba.

* This is pretty inevitable: The endangered species act has led to mass slaughter of animals. Yes to help save the spotted owl, they’re going to kill off another owl. Law to save animals plus bureaucracy equals mass slaughter.

So what will health care plus government bureaucracy equal?

* Wisdom of the Day from Jonah Goldberg:

Ed Schultz is on MSNBC complaining about “Bullies.” Like Jesse Ventura complaining about gravelly-voiced paranoid nut jobs.

* Apparently prehistoric penguins stood nearly five feet tall. Scientists estimate they were the world’s deadliest creatures ever and possibly killed off the dinosaurs. Maybe using laser rifles. Five foot penguins with laser rifles — that’s why you only stick to historic times. Because the time before things were historic — the prehistoric times — were crazy.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, February 29, 2012 9:27 am

Can’t believe Olympia Snowe is suddenly retiring after all those years of working hard for the causes of blah and meh.

You could train a dog to be a mediocre senator; it just needs to vote yes and no. But it would be loyal.

How hard should it be to find another blah moderate Republican who will excite absolutely no one?

They need to do a darker, grittier remake of The Sound of Music.

At least if Romney wins the nomination now, we’ll feel that he really worked for it at least.

So can we maybe wrap this farce up next Tuesday then?

I’m so excited for Super Tuesday because then it will be only one more day until the iPad 3 announcement.

So what does Moot Gingrich have to say about this? Ha! Been holding onto that one for a while.

The proper response to anyone talking about the 99% or the 1% is a punch to the face followed by a, “Shut up, hippie!”

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lolterizt! Part 152

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 4:11 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Mr. Right:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From James:

From Kris:

From Mxymaster:

[reference link]

From Porpie5:

From Steve:

From Travelwise42:

From Travelwise42:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with [Hat tip: Freemon]:


Mr. Right takes the prize for “Opti-Grab”, mostly because he bribed me with a check for $1.09.

Honorable mention to Kris for his encyclopedic knowledge of ancient internet memes.

What say you?


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: This Is a Job For…

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 11:00 am

* Now Gingrich is starting to talk about us getting out of Afghanistan. When so many people riot and murder over a couple books being burned, you do start to wonder what exactly it is we hope to achieve over there. Maybe in the future instead of nation building we should stick to just blowing stuff up in other countries and leaving. We won’t be engaging countries on a more direct level, but maybe they’ll still figure out how to behave if we blow them up enough times. It’s like a more extreme version of hippie punching, as a hippie getting repeatedly punched in the face may eventually help a hippie to learn to not be such a hippie… at least according to a recent scientific study I conducted.

* According to a poll, most Americans believe Obama’s health care mandate is unconstitutional. Obama never did make Obamacare as popular as he hoped… probably because of that whole ignoring the Constitution thing. Now if only five out of nine of the Supreme Court Justices have basic reading comprehension they’ll find Obamacare to be unconstitutional too. And there goes Obama’s biggest achievement. Well, he’ll still have the hundreds in billions in “stimulus” he wasted to no real purpose.

* In another poll with bad news for Obama, 75% of people think the rich should pay 30% or less in taxes — which is lower than their current tax rate. If Democrats were expecting people to be irrationally greedy and hateful of rich people, they might have some trouble. I blame Occupy Wall Street. Through them, people got to see how dumb and pathetic you look when all you do is concern yourself with someone else’s wealth. No one wants to end up as a hippie… because then you’ll find yourself in a scientific experiment where I punch you.

* The Supreme Court won’t take emergency measures to prevent the Asian carp from reaching the Great Lakes. Who in the world, though, when threatened by a fish, would turn to Supreme Court for help? That’s definitely a job for Aquaman. Well, if Superman, Batman, and the Green Lantern aren’t available. Then — if Wonder Woman is one of her “moods” — it’s definitely a job for Aquaman. You’ll just have to buy his plane ticket to get him from the ocean to the Great Lakes.

Aquaman!

* Wisdom of the Day from Sean Thomason:

In modern usage, “Santa Fe” translates roughly to “there’s corn in it.”

* If you live in Michigan or Arizona, remember to vote in the primary today. If Romney doesn’t win in Michigan, it’s supposed to be doom for him. Then we may end up with Santorum as our nominee — who could be a huge disaster in the general election. Or possibly more electable. Though maybe Romney is better positioned because everyone already knows his faults and there will be no surprises. Or no one will vote for him because no one likes him. Then again, perhaps Newt Gingrich is the only one who will actually energize people with a positive view of America and its future. Or he’ll say something stupid and implode as he always does. So anyway… RON PAUL!

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 9:24 am

Why is $2.50 a gallon gas suddenly this unreachable goal. How long ago was it that we last had that?

What? I only had one thought and it wasn’t even funny? What a gyp!

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Nuke the News: The Final Battle of Romney Versus Not-Romney?

Monday, February 27, 2012 11:00 am

* The Michigan and Arizona primaries are tomorrow, and then we’ll find out if Romney still has a threat from the last not-Romney standing. And then next Tuesday is Super Tuesday, and maybe things will be sewn up then. I kind of just want this primary over so we all can just focus on how bad Obama is instead of Republican infighting. Everyone already knows how bad Republicans are; we need to focus on people comprehending how bad Obama is. It’s kind of like with the debt: It’s so large it’s difficult to grasp. That’s how bad a president Obama is.

* But Obama won’t take this competition lying down. He’s unveiled a new slogan: Greater together. And it’s quite true as Obama is very useless by himself and thus much greater when paired with other people. Of course, while helping himself, he tends to diminish us. Kind of like a parasite. Maybe that could be the emblem of his campaign: A tick.

Which would lead to another great campaign slogan: “Spoooon!”

* Will Obama be able to compete with Romney’s ability to relate to the common man, though? In showing he was just like any other redneck who enjoys NASCAR, Romney said that he’s friends with people who own NASCAR teams. And then he said, “I appreciate McDonald’s too; I once had a lobster dinner with the CEO of McDonald’s.” And then he added, “And Wal-Mart is a great store. I haven’t shopped there, but I did shop for a yacht with the owner of Wal-Mart.” And then he had a money fight with the locals, which he always wins since he tends to be the only one with large wads of money ready to throw.

* The creator of the famous Obama “HOPE” poster has pleaded guilty to contempt. Hey, remember back in 2008 people thought Obama was going to be this transformational president? He sort of lost a lot of his mystique when he actually became president and really sucked at it. But at least we’re having progress now that his mindless supporters are being arrested and put on trial. A few million more to go.

* Richard Dawkins says he can’t be sure God doesn’t exist. Well, you know what I do when I’m not sure about something? I go on a big crusade about it and write a bunch of books on the subject. No, wait, that sounds more like what someone with a mental disorder would do. That’s one of the crazy things about lots of atheists: They’re whole movement is supposed to be about being logical and reasonable, yet they tend to rail against religion is a very mindless way that doesn’t seem to serve any more purpose than a tantrum. Perhaps I just don’t understand their strong faith in not having faith.

* Wisdom of the Day from Tony Hernandez:

Contrary to what girls say, they LOVE watching guys play video games

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Random Thoughts

Monday, February 27, 2012 9:33 am

“‘Useless by myself.’”
“How about we go the other way with ‘Greater together.’”
-Obama slogan brainstorm

Are we back to Romney being inevitable again?

Got an Obama campaign email titled “They’re obsessed” which mentions the Koch brothers in the opening sentence.

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Nuke the News: Five More Years!

Friday, February 24, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama told a Hispanic audience that “I’ve got another five years coming up.” People think he’s being arrogant about his reelection, but maybe he had been told by a gypsy of when his untimely death would occur and he was referring to that.

The context, though, was him explaining why he hadn’t done all the amnesty pandering he had promised Latinos, so his answer was basically, “I’ve got plenty of time; I’ll get to it later. Why, is this like important to you people?” Hope Latinos weren’t expecting affordable gas either, because that’s another one Obama is totally going to get to in a few more years or so.

* Hamid Karzai has demanded a trial of whoever it is that burned some Korans. Twelve people have been killed in the idiotic riots from the results of this nothing, but let’s totally worry about a couple books. Why did Obama apologize for this? The apology should have been, “I’m sorry your country has so many barbaric, morally twisted individuals who would riot and murder random people over some paper being burned. It feels me with a deep sadness and a desire to just start slapping people in the Middle East and just never ever stop.” Are we ever going to start treating Muslims in the Middle East like fellow human beings and thus have expectations that they act like human beings, or are we going to stick with considering them wild dogs who we have to be careful not to irk because they’re just mindless and violent?

And maybe the Muslims there should consider finding a much more powerful god who isn’t threatened by a little fire.

* Obama is mocking Republicans over the high gas price issue. Yeah, that makes sense.

“Ha. Look at those Republicans all licking their chops ready to make my huge incompetence and complete uselessness an election issue. They’re probably also going to make a big deal out of how I blocked the Keystone pipeline that would have helped with gas prices and created jobs; how silly of them. And I guess next their going to point out how I’m wetting my pants right now; what goofy goof Republicans. Ha. I am laughing.”

But don’t worry, Obama has a comprehensive plan to bring down gas prices. And it will succeed because Obama has a long history of comprehensive plans that totally work and do useful things. And he’s also sent us each our own unicorn. They’re invisible; that’s how you know they’re authentic unicorns.

* Wisdom of the Day from Loren Heal:

Shorter Obama: GOP acts like oil is just waiting underground.

* Paleontologists are using 3D printers to make small robot dinosaurs. While this doesn’t necessarily help make dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them, it certainly doesn’t hurt the cause.

So what would a Paleontologist use small robot dinosaurs for? What a silly question.

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Random Thoughts

Friday, February 24, 2012 9:32 am

Obama explaining infanticide vote: “Babies neither vote nor have money to donate. I don’t get their purpose.”

If I shake hands with Marco Rubio, can I get Mormon on me?

Muslims in the Middle East seem to get a lot more upset when we burn books than when we burn Muslims.

Drug Dealer: “This here is quality blow, not Charles M. blow.”

My book is still the number one political humor Kindle ebook. Apparently not a lot of competition there.

Saw a library list my book as one of the ebooks they’ve recently added. For some reason, that tickles me.

Amazon already lists my next book and I haven’t even turned in the manuscript yet. Pressure!

If you think a book being burned is worth murdering people over, your religious views are crap.

Is the new female M&M from the M&M ads supposed to be a hipster? I get a hipster vibe from her.

Buttercup almost drew on my Bible. She was so close to causing me to riot and murder.

If only the right to privacy extended to our incomes.

So are you allowed to highlight passages in a Koran as you do a Bible, or does that cause more riots and murder?

There is no point in engaging interent trolls. Even if he’s a columnist for a major newspaper.

As a child, Obama was taught in a madrasah to hate America, but he was a very dumb student so it didn’t take.

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Nuke the News: The Last Republican Debate

Thursday, February 23, 2012 11:00 am

* The final Republican primary debate was last night. I don’t think it did Rick Santorum any favors. When attacked he simply didn’t respond very well. I mean, people go after Romney on how he’s basically the father of Obamacare and somehow he weasels out of it, but every time Santorum got attacked on earmarks or supporting Arlen Specter, he was like, “Let me explain.” And then he gave some long, eye-rolling explanation (“Sometimes you have to take one for the team.”) that didn’t seem to help much.

So I think Santorum is on the way down. And I don’t think Gingrich has an extra life left. So… Romney. At least he’s our weasel… sort of. Well, Arizona and Michigan vote on Feb. 28 and Super Tuesday isn’t long after that, and hopefully this mess will be over by then and we can focus on the nitwit we want out.

* So the UK raised taxes on the rich, and now they are… getting even less revenue. This is the sort of thing you should figure out playing Sim City before you get into actual government. If in that game you tried to get more revenue by constantly raising taxes, it doesn’t work because people leave. It’s a simple point, but liberals seems physically unable to grasp it as they are just determined to punish the rich despite having no actual reason or logic behind it.

* 51% of Californians say they’re ready to reelect Obama. Considering how horrible the state has been run and yet Californians keep reelecting the same idiots, at what point do you stop considering that enthusiastic Democrat support and instead characterize it as a suicide attempt?

This is an interesting strategy the Democrats have where they fail a state into solid Democrat control. They just make things so horrible that all the sane Republicans leave. Not really sure what the counter strategy is to that. I just hope Idaho eventually passes a law that Democrats aren’t allowed to immigrate here because we don’t want that happening to our state. Won’t someone think of the potatoes!

* So Google is working on glasses that we’ll wear and information will pop up on while we’re walking. So basically they’re trying to kill us all by making us wander into traffic or something. Maybe I’m just being a Luddite, though; maybe a data overlay can be helpful without being a deadly distraction. Still, when these come out, I’m going to stay off the streets for a while. I mean, that was the whole point of the internet in the first place — that we don’t need to leave our houses.

* If you were worried that males were going to go extinct, scientists say you can stop your worry. Since the y-chromosome doesn’t recombine and just gets passed as is from male to male, scientists were afraid that in about 5 millions years it would be reduced to nothing. And then there wouldn’t be men… which might seem like a problem for the human race. Like, who would kill spiders then? But scientist now think the y chromosome has about stopped degrading, so males will be around for a long time — they’ll just be much sissier as modern trends indicate.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, February 23, 2012 9:37 am

“Get behind me, Satan! …as an issue.”

The “Republicans want to control women’s bodies” fear is more irrational and outdated than Y2K fears.

I don’t respect the right of privacy to anyone who has their hand in my pocket.

If you want rights, be independent. Children don’t get all the rights adults do.

Was it really the last Republican debate last night? It’s going to be weird not having those every other day anymore.

Have you noticed how Ron Paul is eating from a can of beans when the camera isn’t on him?

Wow, the Republican candidates are all so awful. They need to put a cardboard cutout of Obama on stage to remind us why we care.

My one word description of myself would be “Frank”.

I will vote for whoever vows to create an Iron Man and unleash him on Iran.

The president of Iran is a feckful leader.

“I’m Ron Paul. I’ll stop our enemies by throwing gold bars at them.”

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Nuke the News: Could It Be… Satan!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012 11:00 am

* I have a New York Post column explaining why so much money is needed in presidential campaigns.

It’s a bit like when two people try to call a dog to them at the same time, except in this scenario they’re using firecrackers and other loud noises to scare the dog from going to the other side. It seems cruel — and under the barrage of negative ads, many undecideds do end up whimpering in a corner — but no one said democracy is pretty.

* The Drudge Report pulled up a speech Rick Santorum gave about Satan going after America, and it’s become a bit of a story. Apparently it’s not “hip” or “groovy” to talk about Satan as if he’s a real thing. DrewM had a good point on Twitter: Since Obama is all like Christian and stuff, shouldn’t a reporter ask him if he thinks Satan is real?

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” And now you get mocked for even bringing him up. That guy is pretty slick. But why worry about ancient silly things like Satan when we live in a modern world where we can force other people to buy it abortifacients?

* The Supreme Court is going to be looking into affirmative action again. Some people think we need it to get over racism, but we tried affirmative action on a national scale where we chose an unqualified minority for presidents over many more much more qualified people, and it hasn’t exactly been a boon in the area of race. When you look at someone’s skin color instead of his skills, it leads to high unemployment, high gas prices, and skyrocketing debt. Bad idea.

* The White House is pretty nervous about the whole Keystone pipeline thing since it was something that would both create jobs and alleviate gas prices, but they went against it because it would anger stupid environmentalists. Even the New York Times acknowledges that Obama only went against it for political reasons. But now the WH is pretending that the Republicans who were strongly pushing it were the ones that blocked it. I think that will be just a little too Orwellian for the public to swallow. If they’re making arguments that desperate, that’s a good sign to hit them harder.

And it’s not that Obama doesn’t care about jobs or gas prices — it’s just that they’re not that high on his list of concerns. For one thing, he can afford gas and has a job. And he’d like to keep that job. That’s his big concern.

* Wisdom of the Day from Stephen Green:

If there’s a candidate this year you feel really passionate about, consider professional help.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, February 22, 2012 8:51 am

Instead of putting accents over the letters to make them have different sounds, why not just make new letters?

I’m working on a solution to our debt crisis through an Ocean’s Eleven type heist of the world’s gold. The plan probably won’t help the European economy much.

Back before there was a cure, wasn’t rabies basically the zombie rage virus? If a rabid animal bites you, you become one. Didn’t really threaten us with a zombie apocalypse, though.

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lolbama! Part 83

Tuesday, February 21, 2012 7:04 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Ospurt:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture (again, for reference, this is a 2013 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500):

From Arik:

[reference link (Watch this video anyway. Starts getting epic about 1 minute in, so wait for it.)]

From Basil:

[reference link]

From Basil:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Ron Rockstar:

From Travelwise 42:

[reference link]

From VelvetElvis:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


Tough one this week, as I was personally flummoxed by Basil’s Chesterfield AND Kris’s Pope-Latin, Thunderbolt, and Stericulus (I actually recognized the names of the Butt sisters).

I think Basil has an edge in that he picked the one song in the universe that isn’t on YouTube, but Kris has numbers on his side.

I’d say they’re both winners.

As are we all for their participation.

What say you?


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Half Way to Halving the Deficit

Tuesday, February 21, 2012 11:00 am

* The White House website still touts Obama’s pledge to halve the deficit. It was $1.3 trillion, and for the fiscal year of 2012, the deficit is projected to be $1.3 trillion. I would check the math on whether $1.3 trillion is one half of $1.3 trillion, but my calculator doesn’t accept numbers that big.

So he didn’t divide the deficit by two, but he did divide it by one. That’s halfway there.

* I was thinking: Isn’t good economic news bad for Obama at this point? Right now, it’s starting to look like the economy is doing better, but a lot of that is because people are so discouraged that they stopped looking for work thus taking themselves out of the unemployment statistics. That gives an artificially low unemployment rate, but if word gets out that the economy is doing better, those people may start looking for work again and suddenly unemployment will go up again because of more people in the workforce. So, best strategy for Obama may be to keep the economy hurting — which he’s much better at than helping it anyway.

* There’s a huge protest at U.S. base in Afghanistan over rumors that a Koran was burned. Things must be going great in that country such that they have no other problems to deal with other than rumors of a book being burned. No wonder things are so awesome in the Middle East!

* Apparently a teenaged girl was knocked up by Hitler. Expect this to enter the contraceptive debate. Of course, you may believe contraceptives will protect your daughter from having Hitler’s love child, but you probably should raise your daughter in a way where she wouldn’t sleep with Hitler in the first place.

* Dick Cheney is lobbying in Maryland for gay marriage. And did you know that the Koch brothers are also pro-gay marriage? So there you have it: The nexus of right-wing evil all in favor of gay marriage. So what’s the chance gay marriage is a right-wing trap that will lead to higher profits for oil companies and more baby seals being clubbed? 99.9%.

* Mexico put up a billboard at their U.S. border saying no more weapons — a jab at America. I’m just surprised the Mexican government functioned long to enough to erect a billboard.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dan Cronin:

Sure, angels can fly, but don’t forget, they live in constant fear of scalpers who want to turn their hair into pasta.

* Here’s another article to file under “Why again are they called ‘progressives’?” It’s a fearful left-wing article about home schooling. Basically the conclusion is that everyone needs to stick to the current school system because that’s how we’ve been doing things and it shouldn’t be questioned and though it’s not great we need to subject our kids to it anyway and just hope eventually it will get better. It’s about as mindlessly dogmatic to an old system as you’ll ever see. As I’ve said, whatever the left accuses us of, that’s what they’re doing — even when they accuse us of being mindlessly conservative.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, February 21, 2012 9:17 am

Really excited about my next book. It will be the magnum opus of my ten years of blogging. Definitely funniest book ever.

“We made three mistakes: We hung an innocent man, we didn’t finish the job, and we used ‘infer’ when we meant ‘imply’.”

So Dick Cheney and the Koch brothers – the nexus of right-wing evil – support gay marriage. Hurm.

If a large number of Americans were unable to name our current president, then that would mean we have the best president ever.

My big problem with speed-reading is that I just can’t move my lips that fast.

“You may have defeated the Third Reich, but we’ll live on as stock villains in Hollywood FOREVER!”

Supervillain Loophole: Commit a crime so dastardly it affects everyone on earth, there will be no unbiased jury to prosecute you. For instance, if you block out the sun for a week, there’s no way you could get a fair trial for that.

Don’t follow NBA, so I finally looked up Jeremy Lin. Like a pre-written Hollywood underdog story.

I guarantee the Hollywood version of the Jeremy Lin story will have at least one kung fu fight. Can’t have an Asian star and no kung fu fight.

In that scene near the end of the Firefly pilot, I’m pretty sure Mal Reynolds shoots first but maybe I’m just seeing it wrong.

How dare Chris Christie. Did he learn nothing from the long hard fight to allow fat-person marriage?

“Bear” misspelled one way is aspirin while misspelled another way is paint. That’s dangerous because you don’t want to drink paint when you have a headache.

“I love Michael Bay movies!” -the next Hitler

Liberals are really afraid of the religious imposing their views on the American public because that’s their job.

The best way a man can help feminism is to have sex with lots of women because otherwise those contraceptives are rather pointless.

My dog isn’t religious. She a secular dogist.

Genius baby? Buttercup has advanced language skills for her age. On the other hand, she just threw a blanket on her head and ran into a wall.

Batman is always going after the root causes of crime: criminals’ faces. He solves them with his fist.

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Presidents Day

Monday, February 20, 2012 10:49 am

I have the day off, so I’ll get back to blogging tomorrow. For now, let’s celebrate how there are presidents or something. Name you favorite president, your most hated president, and the president you feel the least about one way or the other. I like Ronald Reagan, I don’t like Jimmy Carter, and I’m not actually even sure there was a president named Benjamin Harrison.

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Nuke the News: Why Do We Still Have Kennedys?

Friday, February 17, 2012 11:00 am

* Joe Kennedy III is going to run for Barney Frank’s seat. I think his slogan is going to be: “I’m a Kennedy; I’m entitled to this.”

Anyone who willingly elects a Kennedy shouldn’t show his face among fellow Americans. The whole point of a democracy is that we wouldn’t be forced to be ruled by a line of incompetent nitwits like in a monarchy, but for some reason some people willingly subjugate themselves to this. That’s un-American. When Big Fat Teddy K was chucked in the sea after the Navy SEALs broke into his compound and took him out, that should have been the end of that.

* Decrepit old white man questions Marco Rubio’s authenticity as a Latino. Here’s that patronizing racism I was talking about that’s so prevalent these days and not enough people are speaking out against it. You have Harry Reid, old racist loser, thinking he can characterize other people based on their skin color since supposedly he’s the caring liberal and that’s his privilege. People should be yelling him, “Why don’t you and your racist friends get out of our face before we break your hip, grandpa!” But some people cheer this on. And that’s why racism is still a problem.

* Canada is ending gun registration. Apparently it cost billions of dollars and never once helped catch a criminal — useless and expensive, the perfect left-wing program.

Views on guns have moved in one direction in America in the past fifty years — towards a stronger belief in freedom — and it’s nice to see that maybe that’s finally starting to move to other countries to. Too much of the world is backwards on this issue.

* According to Nancy Pelosi, actual rights like freedom of religion are less than made up rights like the right to have someone else paying for your contraception.

A lot of people think this whole thing is a distraction from the larger issue of the debt, economy, and jobs, but you have to remember there is no bigger issue in America than freedom of religion… at least there shouldn’t be. If we don’t have that, the rest is worthless. People didn’t come over on the Mayflower because they were escaping debt.

That’s probably how the first colony on Mars will be founded, though.

* Israel says the nuclear sanctions against Iran aren’t working. Are they getting ready to attack? Maybe. If I were them, I would totally bomb all the countries around me all the time. They all hate Israel so much already, it won’t make a noticeable difference in anyone’s attitude about them. That is one way we could get a much more modern, peaceful Middle East — have the whole area be conquered by and run by Israel.

* Wisdom of the Day from Ken Jennings:

“Bros before hoes.” –the dictionary

* Apparently there is 50 square miles of Idaho where I can commit felonies unpunished. Good to know. Hope there are things to burn there. My favorite felony is arson. What felony would you commit?

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Random Thoughts

Friday, February 17, 2012 9:19 am

If you want contraceptives to be a personal matter, you probably shouldn’t force other people to pay for it.

Who is this Asian guy who works for the Knicks that everyone is talking about? He mess up their accounting or something?

I thought a Theocrat was a member of the political party based around the son from The Cosby Show.

There shouldn’t be a bigger issue in this country than religious freedom.

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Nuke the News: Chimichanga

Thursday, February 16, 2012 11:00 am

* So Obama is still pushing those Truth Teams. I notice they have a long list of lies they’re trying to fight, but one is “The Truth Teams hunt down people they don’t believe are telling the truth and drag those people away from their homes in the middle of the night.” But instead of listing that as “False”, it just has the label “Unverified.”

* There’s this controversy where Dana Milbank said, “The chimichanga? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer Latinos.” And the White House’s campaign manager retweeted it. And then some people said that’s racist.

I don’t really care about the “chimichanga” part as being racist, but it’s the underlying sentiment that’s the harmful racism. Once again you have liberals who are very desperate to force people into groups based on race. To say the GOP has nothing to offer Latinos is to say that one race all has a single monolithic viewpoint. There are no individuals, only groups, and liberals will tell you what they should think.

The basic view of a liberal on race is that white people are bad and racist, but a caring white person — much like themselves — knows what’s good for minorities even more than they do. And the minorities who get into the Democrat’s leadership seem to adopt the same view; they’re the smart one who needs to carefully care for and herd the dummy minorities who can’t take care of themselves. This is the most prevalent and harmful for of racism we have today, and at some point some people need to take a stand against if we ever really want to get past racism.

But the Democrats don’t want to get past racism. It’s the glue holding their party together.

* So a guy from Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. It’s only interesting in how much some on the left are freaking out; they really don’t like apostasy in the entertainment industry.

Still, shouldn’t someone from a group called “Megadeth” endorse someone who is pro-abortion?

* Scientists have discovered a new chameleon that’s only as big as a match head. It makes me wonder: Why would you need to be both a chameleon and super small? Isn’t the super small all you need to keep predators from seeing you? Why does it also need to be able to camouflage? Why doesn’t it need to hide so much? What’s it up to?

Man, there could be one in my house right now and I wouldn’t even know it. WHAT’S IT WANT?!!!

* Wisdom of the Day from John Scalzi:

When you really think about it, “sweater” is really an unappealing name for an article of clothing.

* IN THE MAIL: I just received the book Glock: The Rise of America’s Gun. It’s all about the development and spike in popularity among police and civilians of that ugly, ugly extremely reliable gun (I myself own a Glock 17). Looks interesting; I’ll definitely give it a read.

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