Nuke the News: Three Way Race

Posted on February 10, 2012 11:00 am

* So Santorum is doing well in the polls. And what does this mean? It means we have a three way race, i.e., a chance for a brokered convention.

A lot of people are hoping that will be our cure-all, allowing us to finally pick the none of the above, but isn’t going to be the Republican establishment making the pick? What are the chances they’ll come up with the RINOiest ticket ever?

“Hey? Do you think Arlen Specter might want to still run as a Republican? What if we told him Chuck Hagel would be his running mate?”

Everyone is thinking we’ll get someone like Mitch Daniels, but I don’t know. Risky move. But the alternative is Romney, Gingrich, or Santorum. So there are no bad choices. Only awful ones.

* Whales at Sea World aren’t slaves. A judge ruled that. For reals.

I hope the judge dismissed the case by yelling, “Shut up, hippie!” and punching the plaintiff in the face.

* George Lucas is now claiming that Han Solo never shot first in Star Wars. It’s like he’s trying to do special editions of our memories now.

Man, I wish George Lucas would just hand over Star Wars to someone else now. Think of the awesome movie someone who actually knows what makes Star Wars great could make if George Lucas were out of the way. One day, someone will be able to make another great Star Wars movie. We may have to wait until George Lucas dies though. Hopefully he doesn’t come back as a Force ghost to continue giving his creative input.

BTW, if you go see The Phantom Menace in 3D, you are part of the problem and are my enemy.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dave Holmes:

Obviously, the main reason I was initally so disappointed by The Phantom Menace was that I couldn’t tell which items were in the foreground.

* Still chugging away at my new book. Hope to get the first draft done (and a lot of pressure off my back) this weekend. Are you excited? You should be excited. But you won’t see it for a while. Until then, by another copy of Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

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34 Responses to “Nuke the News: Three Way Race”

  1. coldguy says:

    I hope the judge dismissed the case by yelling, “Shut up, hippie!” and punching the plaintiff in the face.

    Whenever you mention a judge, I always picture Judge Ron Whitey from Futurama.

    “The charge is bank robbery. Now, my caddie’s chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn’t properly invested. Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes, theft of money.”

  2. Ernie Loco says:

    Greedo shooting first is the (main) reason why I refuse to watch and of the special edition Star Wars movies. The only stuff I claim as cannon in the Star Wars universe are the original editions of the original movies. Basically, screw anything that came out after 1983, and especially screw anything that came out of George Lucas’ mouth.

    Oh, and while we’re at it, screw Romney, Santorum, Gingrich, Ron Paul, and all the jackasses who left us with these schmucks as our only choices.

    (How’s that for a masterful segue.)

  3. Mxymaster says:

    Jar Jar in 3D. Bestill my heart. (No, I mean, literally be still rather than see that.)

  4. Scooter says:

    Give it to Joss Whedon. In the remake of the prequels, get Nathan Filion to play Han Solo’s dad.

  5. Scooter says:

    And have him sit his son on his knee one day and tell him what his father told him when he was a boy: “always shoot first.”

  6. Crabby Old Bat says:

    I have never seen any of the Star Wars “prequels” but have agreed to go and see the 3D movie with my brother this weekend (his wife refused to go, having heard him complain bitterly about the movie when it was first released). I figure I need the experience just to understand cultural references – I have no idea what people are talking about when they ridicule Jar Jar. Soon, I will know.

  7. Hippie punchomatic 5000 says:

    Awwww!!! Please let me go see “The Phantom Menace,” Frank. I promise to punch every hippie I see at the theater if you do.

  8. plentyobailouts says:

    Oh mesa so glad Lucas has new movie 3D movies. Mesa was sad when when the good guysa shoot first. Mesa want to vote for rumney mesa does.

    Jar Jar loves obammy and romney. And cats!

    What is this world coming to when we can’t have whales for slaves. Its wrong I tells ya! So what will the wales sing at civil rights protests? Weeoooo will overcome? *sploosh*

    Blubber, the new white meat.

  9. hwuu says:

    It does have Natalie Portman in clown makeup so there’s that.

    Jar-Jar was OK, I just couldn’t take little Annie. Annoying kids are the ruin of many a movie. You can see where Luke got his whiny side.

    On what planet is it not illegal to let a 5 year old enter a pod race?? Around here if you are still wearing footie pajamas for nap time we are going to reject your Indy car drivers application.

    Also, I think some of the aliens were in the Muppet version of uncanny valley.

  10. DamnCat says:

    Regarding Obama’s Contraceptive “Compromise”:

    If the contraceptives are free why does the insurance company have to cover it? Why can’t women just go to the pharmacy and get it for free?

    If we can pretend that insurers won’t make the insurance providers pay for it, can’t we pretend that the pharmacies won’t make customers pay for it? That way we cut out the pretend middle-man.

  11. zzyzx says:

    Who shoot first…Han Solo or Greedo? Pardon me Mr. Lucas if I file this nugget of information under ‘who gives a rats a$$’ and press on with my life.

  12. zzyzx says:

    Don’t give up PETA, remember you can always appeal this ruling to the nearest appellate court, which in your case is those merry pranksters of the 9th Circus Court of Appeals………….that still gives you at least a fifty fifty chance of success………….good luck.

  13. Monkey Faced Liberal says:


    Why do you think Ricky is an “awful” choice? Not “adequate,” not “sub-optimal” not even “bad.” Awful.

    He represents your views. He has political experience. He is a decent debater. He is a family man.

    Are you really going to let that Marxist, Muslim, incompetent, military-hating guy we currently have get another four years, and not at least put up a REAL conservative alternative?

    Have you and the right in this country really become this pathetic?

    Best Regards,

    Monkey Faced Liberal

    P.S. It is morning in America! Four More Years!

  14. zzyzx says:

    Hummmm….so the Republican establishment are really RINO’s and will nominate nothing but a RINO rather than a real Republican if given a chance to do so? If that’s the case who are the real Republicans and why aren’t the real Republicans the Republican establishment rather than RINO’s? Who would the real Republicans nominate if they could nominate someone? Will the real Republicans please stand up…I’m so confused!?

  15. FormerHostage says:

    George Lucas also said that Hans and Luke spent a weekend in a tent on a sheep ranch.

  16. zzyzx says:

    I thought Barny Frank said that.

  17. blarg says:

    better a rino than a jackass.

  18. Penultimatum says:

    Frank – You need to be more open about your CPAC presence – 2016 is coming up fast, and you need to build party organization.

  19. arik says:

    On what planet is it not illegal to let a 5 year old enter a pod race??

    Tatooine, apparently.

  20. arik says:

    My five-year-old son is crapping Lego studs about The Phantom Menace in 3-D DAD!!!. So, I will be there.

    Also, if there is any hope for the original to be in 3-d. I guess we have to show up for the three prequels first. It’s a small price to pay.

    Also: With all the reboots going around, (Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc, etc, etc.) how long, you think, before we get a reboot of Star Wars? I bet someone else could nake the three requels more convincing. If I were doing them, I would definitely have a cameo by Jar-Jar. He’d say, “Me-sah Jar-Jar!” and Qui-Gon would immediately decapitate him with his lightsaber. And the whole world would thank me.

  21. 4of7 says:

    #10 – DamnCat,
    Well said! Your tuna is in the mail.

  22. 4of7 says:

    “They said that I should lose my ideals and begin to believe in the methods of practical politicians. Now, I have not lost my ideals in the least; my faith in fundamentals is exactly what it always was. What I have lost is my childlike faith in practical politics.”
    ― G.K. Chesterton

  23. ussjimmycarter says:

    zzyzx…Barney Frank is “engaged” to be married!!! I think the lucky bride may be Monkey Faced Liberal! I would like to congratulate both on a life of happy spit swapping in the shower together! Awesome…

  24. Geoarrge says:

    Hell, in a complete remake of Star Wars, I’d have Jar Jar become a Jedi and have Anakin kill him in Episode III.

  25. DamnCat says:

    Why wait until Episode III?

  26. Went West says:

    I hear George Lucas is planning for a 3D remake of “The Third Man”. Apparently he thinks it needs to be updated
    and also that the original “focuses too much on the rather uninteresting Harry Lime character”. Therefore he wants
    to develop some of the other characters “darker side”, which he thinks “were totally ignored at the time”.
    Other movies he wants to remake are also in the pipeline, naming “Casablanca” as “a movie which is filled with so
    many technical flaws and missed opportunities it is begging for a remake”.

  27. Yosoff says:

    Die, George Lucas, it’s our only hope.

  28. CarolynthePregnant says:

    We’re talking about George Lucas and Star Wars? Why do I suddenly have the urge to cry out, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”?

  29. Isaac says:

    How did Lucas go from being a visionary genius in 1977, to a master craftsman of cinema in 1980, to being a complete moron for the rest of his life by 1983? Nobody cares if Solo shot Greedo first! Part of Han’s appeal was that he didn’t live by society’s rules, he had his own moral code, part of which stated, “Never give an armed green reptile who wants to take you to Jabba an even break.” He’s like Ron Paul, only with feathered hair.

    You don’t want to get me started on how many different ways George bungled the characterizations in the trilogy, but since we are on the topic of revising Han Solo…

    Lucas takes the most appealing character in the story, the swashbuckling, make-my-own-rules, love em and leave em pirate/smuggler Han Solo and sticks him in a romance with the annoying Princess Leia in part two, then makes him a General in part three. It was like taking Billy the Kid and putting him to work in the pentagon as a three star, while marrying him off to Betty Friedan. The guy was running from bounty hunters and imperial flunkies, refused to bow before royalty, could fly at the speed of light, and he spoke Wookie! He was awesome! Why would Lucas massacre him like that?

    By the way, I saw Star Wars in 1977 when I was 10. I thought it was so cool, I used my paper route money to take my grandma on her birthday. Bad idea. Every time Chewbacca spoke, my grandma would yell at me in a voice that must have echoed through the theater, “What’d he say?!? What’d he say?!?” And every time, I’d say back, “He’s not speaking English, Grandma! He said ‘wrrraarrghddhdhd’. He’s from another planet. Just listen to the human who is talking to him, he lets you know what they’re talking about.” If I’d been old enough, I would have compared their conversations to the Bob Newhart phone calls routines that Bob used to do in his standup.

  30. J.M. Heinrichs says:

    Besides, there are less important things to concern one these days:


  31. iandelor says:

    “BTW, if you go see The Phantom Menace in 3D, you are part of the problem and are my enemy.”

    Amen, brother. Amen.

    “How did Lucas go from being a visionary genius in 1977, to a master craftsman of cinema in 1980, to being a complete moron for the rest of his life by 1983?”

    My theory is: the more control Lucas got over the franchise, the less input he had to accept from people who actually knew how to construct and tell engaging, believable stories. He had absolute, complete control over the prequels. Results: sucktastic!

    Making bad movies is bad enough. But Lucas insults the very people who made Star Wars a bankable franchise through 15 plus years of nothing but crappy comics and toys, some hit-or-miss novels, and mostly good video games. Then, after fans had kept the royalty checks coming in buying all that crap, he flushed it all down the crapper by undoing all the canon that had been built up through those things. He claimed it didn’t matter, because he hadn’t written it; it wasn’t REALLY Star Wars unless he wrote it.

    George Lucas is a jerk.

  32. ImperialDave says:

    “Man, I wish George Lucas would just hand over Star Wars to someone else now. Think of the awesome movie someone who actually knows what makes Star Wars great could make if George Lucas were out of the way.”
    Gendy Tartovsky.

  33. ImperialDave says:

    Absolutely right, iandelor.

  34. Keln says:

    I’m none too keen on Santorum, the more I read about him. Sounds like too much of a moralist or something.

    I read a comment he made in an NPR interview some years ago that bother me: “…they have this idea that people should be left alone, be able to do whatever they want to do. Government should keep our taxes down and keep our regulation low and that we shouldn’t get involved in the bedroom, we shouldn’t get involved in cultural issues, you know, people should do whatever they want. Well, that is not how traditional conservatives view the world, and I think most conservatives understand that individuals can’t go it alone…”

    So Santorum thinks government shouldn’t leave people alone? The only difference between him and a leftist sounds like he just wants to impose his moral views on the people…using government. I probably agree with most of his personal moral views…but I think such views should be personal. This guy is clueless about individual liberty if this statement of his is accurate.

    Still, he’s the only non-Romney as far as I am concerned.

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