Random Thoughts

Really excited about my next book. It will be the magnum opus of my ten years of blogging. Definitely funniest book ever.

“We made three mistakes: We hung an innocent man, we didn’t finish the job, and we used ‘infer’ when we meant ‘imply’.”

So Dick Cheney and the Koch brothers – the nexus of right-wing evil – support gay marriage. Hurm.

If a large number of Americans were unable to name our current president, then that would mean we have the best president ever.

My big problem with speed-reading is that I just can’t move my lips that fast.

“You may have defeated the Third Reich, but we’ll live on as stock villains in Hollywood FOREVER!”

Supervillain Loophole: Commit a crime so dastardly it affects everyone on earth, there will be no unbiased jury to prosecute you. For instance, if you block out the sun for a week, there’s no way you could get a fair trial for that.

Don’t follow NBA, so I finally looked up Jeremy Lin. Like a pre-written Hollywood underdog story.

I guarantee the Hollywood version of the Jeremy Lin story will have at least one kung fu fight. Can’t have an Asian star and no kung fu fight.

In that scene near the end of the Firefly pilot, I’m pretty sure Mal Reynolds shoots first but maybe I’m just seeing it wrong.

How dare Chris Christie. Did he learn nothing from the long hard fight to allow fat-person marriage?

“Bear” misspelled one way is aspirin while misspelled another way is paint. That’s dangerous because you don’t want to drink paint when you have a headache.

“I love Michael Bay movies!” -the next Hitler

Liberals are really afraid of the religious imposing their views on the American public because that’s their job.

The best way a man can help feminism is to have sex with lots of women because otherwise those contraceptives are rather pointless.

My dog isn’t religious. She a secular dogist.

Genius baby? Buttercup has advanced language skills for her age. On the other hand, she just threw a blanket on her head and ran into a wall.

Batman is always going after the root causes of crime: criminals’ faces. He solves them with his fist.

Send to Kindle

Presidents Day

I have the day off, so I’ll get back to blogging tomorrow. For now, let’s celebrate how there are presidents or something. Name you favorite president, your most hated president, and the president you feel the least about one way or the other. I like Ronald Reagan, I don’t like Jimmy Carter, and I’m not actually even sure there was a president named Benjamin Harrison.

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: Why Do We Still Have Kennedys?

* Joe Kennedy III is going to run for Barney Frank’s seat. I think his slogan is going to be: “I’m a Kennedy; I’m entitled to this.”

Anyone who willingly elects a Kennedy shouldn’t show his face among fellow Americans. The whole point of a democracy is that we wouldn’t be forced to be ruled by a line of incompetent nitwits like in a monarchy, but for some reason some people willingly subjugate themselves to this. That’s un-American. When Big Fat Teddy K was chucked in the sea after the Navy SEALs broke into his compound and took him out, that should have been the end of that.

* Decrepit old white man questions Marco Rubio’s authenticity as a Latino. Here’s that patronizing racism I was talking about that’s so prevalent these days and not enough people are speaking out against it. You have Harry Reid, old racist loser, thinking he can characterize other people based on their skin color since supposedly he’s the caring liberal and that’s his privilege. People should be yelling him, “Why don’t you and your racist friends get out of our face before we break your hip, grandpa!” But some people cheer this on. And that’s why racism is still a problem.

* Canada is ending gun registration. Apparently it cost billions of dollars and never once helped catch a criminal — useless and expensive, the perfect left-wing program.

Views on guns have moved in one direction in America in the past fifty years — towards a stronger belief in freedom — and it’s nice to see that maybe that’s finally starting to move to other countries to. Too much of the world is backwards on this issue.

* According to Nancy Pelosi, actual rights like freedom of religion are less than made up rights like the right to have someone else paying for your contraception.

A lot of people think this whole thing is a distraction from the larger issue of the debt, economy, and jobs, but you have to remember there is no bigger issue in America than freedom of religion… at least there shouldn’t be. If we don’t have that, the rest is worthless. People didn’t come over on the Mayflower because they were escaping debt.

That’s probably how the first colony on Mars will be founded, though.

* Israel says the nuclear sanctions against Iran aren’t working. Are they getting ready to attack? Maybe. If I were them, I would totally bomb all the countries around me all the time. They all hate Israel so much already, it won’t make a noticeable difference in anyone’s attitude about them. That is one way we could get a much more modern, peaceful Middle East — have the whole area be conquered by and run by Israel.

* Wisdom of the Day from Ken Jennings:

“Bros before hoes.” –the dictionary

* Apparently there is 50 square miles of Idaho where I can commit felonies unpunished. Good to know. Hope there are things to burn there. My favorite felony is arson. What felony would you commit?

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

If you want contraceptives to be a personal matter, you probably shouldn’t force other people to pay for it.

Who is this Asian guy who works for the Knicks that everyone is talking about? He mess up their accounting or something?

I thought a Theocrat was a member of the political party based around the son from The Cosby Show.

There shouldn’t be a bigger issue in this country than religious freedom.

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: Chimichanga

* So Obama is still pushing those Truth Teams. I notice they have a long list of lies they’re trying to fight, but one is “The Truth Teams hunt down people they don’t believe are telling the truth and drag those people away from their homes in the middle of the night.” But instead of listing that as “False”, it just has the label “Unverified.”

* There’s this controversy where Dana Milbank said, “The chimichanga? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer Latinos.” And the White House’s campaign manager retweeted it. And then some people said that’s racist.

I don’t really care about the “chimichanga” part as being racist, but it’s the underlying sentiment that’s the harmful racism. Once again you have liberals who are very desperate to force people into groups based on race. To say the GOP has nothing to offer Latinos is to say that one race all has a single monolithic viewpoint. There are no individuals, only groups, and liberals will tell you what they should think.

The basic view of a liberal on race is that white people are bad and racist, but a caring white person — much like themselves — knows what’s good for minorities even more than they do. And the minorities who get into the Democrat’s leadership seem to adopt the same view; they’re the smart one who needs to carefully care for and herd the dummy minorities who can’t take care of themselves. This is the most prevalent and harmful for of racism we have today, and at some point some people need to take a stand against if we ever really want to get past racism.

But the Democrats don’t want to get past racism. It’s the glue holding their party together.

* So a guy from Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. It’s only interesting in how much some on the left are freaking out; they really don’t like apostasy in the entertainment industry.

Still, shouldn’t someone from a group called “Megadeth” endorse someone who is pro-abortion?

* Scientists have discovered a new chameleon that’s only as big as a match head. It makes me wonder: Why would you need to be both a chameleon and super small? Isn’t the super small all you need to keep predators from seeing you? Why does it also need to be able to camouflage? Why doesn’t it need to hide so much? What’s it up to?

Man, there could be one in my house right now and I wouldn’t even know it. WHAT’S IT WANT?!!!

* Wisdom of the Day from John Scalzi:

When you really think about it, “sweater” is really an unappealing name for an article of clothing.

* IN THE MAIL: I just received the book Glock: The Rise of America’s Gun. It’s all about the development and spike in popularity among police and civilians of that ugly, ugly extremely reliable gun (I myself own a Glock 17). Looks interesting; I’ll definitely give it a read.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

Aww. I got mentioned in yesterday’s Morning Jolt by Jim Geraghty as one of the reasons things aren’t so bad for conservatism.

Because of me, things are looking up because we only need to hold out until 2016 when I can be president. Then I’ll fix everything.

I wish a billionaire gave me millions in funds to be an ankle-biter 🙁

Which political party is giving out chimichangas?

The left have the idea that you can compare a person’s skin color to a color chart and tell them what political beliefs they should have. It’s that race-based, group thought that denies the individual that I find most offensive.

It shouldn’t be controversial to say that Democrats, in general, have a very patronizing racism about Latinos.

People still talking about Megadeth? I thought we were up to Teradeth by now.

This racist statement controversy has made me outraged that my wife hasn’t made chimichangas in a long while.

I’m smart enough to know to not even repeat what Jim Messina said the GOP has to offer black people.


The only thing the GOP have to offer Italians is a spicy meatball.

The only thing the GOP has to offer the Irish is a bottle of whiskey… which is more than enough.

The only thing the GOP has to offer Germans is overly long words and repetitive techno music.

If I had to make a prediction, I’d say that this time next year we’ll not have a very good president.

Common Sense: Presidential candidates should be injected with sodium pentothal before debates.

It would keep people polite on the internet if every comment was accompanied by your full name, where you are, and what’s your greatest fear.

Is what happens in OWS camps “rape,” “rape rape,” or “rape rape rape”?

But let’s not blow it out of proportion. It’s not “rape rape rape rape.”

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: Obama, Tax Cutter

* Obama says the fight on the payroll tax cut isn’t over, as he hasn’t quite gotten the political mileage he was hoping out of it. Apparently, he was expecting the Republicans insist on him actually budgeting for it, but Obama doesn’t like budgets and numbers which are all racist. But the Republicans are apparently going to totally cave. Maybe after seeing the $1.33 trillion deficit in Obama’s budget, they were all like, “This is all pointless. Who cares now. Let’s just spend and spend and spend, and I’m going to get some scotch and drink and drink and drink.”

Actually, the quickest way to a small government now may be to just spend so much the government eventually collapses on itself and the whole country is thrown into chaos. And then we rebuild from the ashes.

Smart power!

* One of the reasons Obama cited as why people need the payroll tax cut is that gas prices are so high. That leads to his best argument of all: “People really need this tax cut because their president — me — is an incompetent idiot, so everyone is basically on their own.”

* Obama is going to end dozens of business tax breaks. Is this going to hurt the economy by putting more strain on businesses? No, as Timothy Geithner says, “We think they can handle it. We think they can afford it.” Oh, so the guy who can’t figure out how to use TurboTax is pretty sure about other companies’ financial situations. Why do such useless, inept people have such influence on our economy? Where did this system break down? I blame childhood obesity — primarily because fat kids are fun to yell at.

Fat kids! ::shakes fist::

* A school ordered a preschooler to buy the cafeteria lunch because they didn’t think the mother’s lunch was healthy enough. Now, you’d think that you’d be able to decided what your kid could eat, but that’s what they do in a free country which you have read about in science fiction. But in a nanny state, useless idiots make all your decisions for you. If you want to feed your own kid, then I guess you can just join a militia and live in a compound, you right-wing nut.

* New movie coming out – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Liberals don’t like first Republican president Lincoln because he took people away from guaranteed jobs, food, and shelter and gave them horrible horrible freedom instead. Instead of a war, couldn’t Lincoln just compromised and gave everybody free contraceptives?

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

I’m going to petition the state to change the slogan on our license plates from “Famous Potatoes” to “Not Scared of Wild Gorillas.”

For Valentine’s Day, I got my wife stuff. I guess I did okay.

For me, she paid to get me in the Bearmageddon comic. Because she loves me.

Send to Kindle

lolterizt! Part 151

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Mrs C:

[reference link]

Three from me (Harvey):

[reference link]

[reference link]

[reference link]

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

[First, let’s just get the Soylent Green reference link out of the way]

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Basil:

[reference link]

From DamnCat:

[reference link]

From DamnCat:

From Hunter:

From Hunter:

From Hunter:

From James:

From Mxymaster:

[reference link]

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Gotta be Basil for the “Jungle Goddess” reference. Wonder if anyone’s ever seen that movie except for MST3K fans?

Although I *do* wonder how many people remember the Michael Phelps race…

What say you?

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: Tough Choices

* Obama says his 2013 budget reflects tough choices. With a $1.33 trillion deficit, what were the choices?

“I could spend an obscene amount of money or a buttload of money. It’s like Sophie’s Choice times a million!”

Oh, here’s one of the choices: Out of a budget of $3.8 trillion, Obama decided to remove $20 million for the highly successful D.C. voucher program. Sorry poor kids; you have to stick to failing schools run by uncaring unions. But hey, Obama will make sure you get free contraception, and isn’t that all that poor people really need?

* There are further subsidies for wealthy buyers of electric cars, though. You know how liberals are always accusing Republicans of only caring for the rich at the expense of the poor? Whatever liberals accuse others of doing, that’s what they’re doing. Always.

* Justice Breyer was robbed by a machete-wielding intruder. In my utopia, Supreme Court justices would be threatened with machetes constantly. It would keep them from getting too arrogant.

* I don’t get the logic of the Greek riots.

“We can’t afford all these entitlements, so we’re going to cut them.”

“Then we’ll riot and burn businesses!”

“Well, since a bunch of businesses have been burned and our economy harmed, WE EXTRA CAN’T AFFORD ENTITLEMENTS!”

The rioters should just try a more relaxing camping out in front of banks like OWS. Doesn’t achieve anything, but it apparently makes them feel like they’re doing something while being a lot less intrusive.

* Samuel L. Jackson says he voted for Obama because he’s black. Well, the first step to ending racism is to fess up to it, so bravo. Still, I have to say, enough is enough! I have had it with these @#$% racists in this @#$% election!

* John Hawkins has a bunch of pictures from CPAC. I also found out that IMAO was mentioned at CPAC, for we were nominated for best humor blog… but totally didn’t win.

One of these days, I need to start attending CPAC and acting like an actual pundit or something. I do write in a newspaper and am a published author, so I’m like totally a big deal now. Maybe I could give a talk at the next one on being awesome. Hopefully they have a stage that will accommodate puppets.

* Wisdom of the Day from Andy Borehol:

time to update my bog [ writes 400-word opinion about lana del rey in the mud with a mudstick ]

* My state, Idaho, is not afraid of wild gorillas.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

I don’t want a lot from politics. I just don’t want people dumber than me telling me what to do. I guess that’s asking a lot, actually.

Obama: “Sorry, inner-city kids, you have to stay in your failing public schools. But, here, have a free morning after pill.”

In my utopia, Supreme Court justices would be threatened with machetes every day. Keeps ’em frosty.

They accuse Republicans of being anti-science, but Obama’s budgets show Democrats to be anti-math.

Is there anyone who doesn’t like Big Bang Theory? I know people from every demographic who love it.

Are Canadian Geese called Canadian because they’re from Canada or because we hate them?

93 hours in, I think I’m bored of Skyrim. One day, I’ll finish the main story line on an Elder Scrolls game, but it won’t be this one.

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: Truth Teams

* Obama has a new budget proposal! And he projects a deficit of $1.33 trillion. He’s getting really serious about tackling that debt, isn’t he? But we have to spend that extra money to get all the great… I have no idea where all that money goes. Apparently, the more awful government gets, the more expensive it is to keep up. Maybe we should pay for less awful government, but I’m not politician so what do I know?

* Obama is going to set up Truth Teams. I assume their purpose will be to hunt down and destroy any truths they can find as those could be quite destructive to Obama’s reelection chances. If people actually look at Obama’s performance and ability and the results he’s obtained, he has little chance or reelection. Thus his Truth Teams will eliminate truths when they find them and try and muddy things up so people might actually considered reelecting the miserable failure. Truth is another one of those things like freedom that gets in the way of truly important things like free contraception.

* Mitt Romney won the CPAC straw poll. Does that mean anything? Probably not, but it’s better than not winning.

It looks like the only hope left for a not-Romney is Santorum… either through him winning the primary or forcing a brokered convention. It’s not a huge chance of happening, but it’s not a remote one either.

Still don’t get how we dropped the ball on this primary, though, with all the conservative enthusiasm to take down Obama and finally do something about the debt. If we want to get things done, we’re always best working outside of politics. Nothing there but heartache and disappointment and sociopaths.

* Andrew Breitbart claims he has video of Obama in college. Yes, the mysterious college years of which we’ve still never seen the transcripts. So what’s the chance Obama was some complete screw up in college opposed to American values… because that would be totally different than what he is now.

* Apparently there’s an obesity problem in the military. It’s probably all that lazy sniping where you just lie on the ground hundreds of yards away from the enemy and shoot them. We just need more hand to hand combat. If our soldiers had to stop lying around and actually run those hundreds of yards to hack the enemy to pieces with katanas, then everyone would be in better shape. Plus katanas are awesome. The military should have those.

* This has to be the greatest indictment of liberalism yet: It makes you believe the Star Wars prequels are better than the original trilogy.

* New Crowder video — first in a while — with him rapping about the situation our country has found itself in:

There’s a lot we need to change in this country. I guess rapping would be the first step.

* Talking about changing the country, I’ve finished the first draft of my book on how to fix all the problems in America. I’m excited for you all to see it, but it will still probably be a while. Get pumped!

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

If free contraception is that important to you, make a free contraception charity. Freedom!

Han comes off worse in the special edition because Greedo seems so hapless when he misses by a mile at close range.

If you aren’t sure whether Kim Jong Un is dead, just shoot him again.

First draft of my new political humor book is done! Probably funniest book ever.

My big goal is still to get a novel published. I have a finished one SarahK is helping get ready for submitting. I’m also working on a new one. Despite full time job, blogging, columns, and political humor book writing, I write on it each day. Always keep moving forward.

I don’t know how medieval peasants survived without being able to deposit checks through their smartphones.

Democrats are banking on that people prefer free stuff to freedom.

I hate how physical books curve the page towards the inside seam making the edges hard to read. How did I ever deal with these things?

Send to Kindle

Nuke the News: Three Way Race

* So Santorum is doing well in the polls. And what does this mean? It means we have a three way race, i.e., a chance for a brokered convention.

A lot of people are hoping that will be our cure-all, allowing us to finally pick the none of the above, but isn’t going to be the Republican establishment making the pick? What are the chances they’ll come up with the RINOiest ticket ever?

“Hey? Do you think Arlen Specter might want to still run as a Republican? What if we told him Chuck Hagel would be his running mate?”

Everyone is thinking we’ll get someone like Mitch Daniels, but I don’t know. Risky move. But the alternative is Romney, Gingrich, or Santorum. So there are no bad choices. Only awful ones.

* Whales at Sea World aren’t slaves. A judge ruled that. For reals.

I hope the judge dismissed the case by yelling, “Shut up, hippie!” and punching the plaintiff in the face.

* George Lucas is now claiming that Han Solo never shot first in Star Wars. It’s like he’s trying to do special editions of our memories now.

Man, I wish George Lucas would just hand over Star Wars to someone else now. Think of the awesome movie someone who actually knows what makes Star Wars great could make if George Lucas were out of the way. One day, someone will be able to make another great Star Wars movie. We may have to wait until George Lucas dies though. Hopefully he doesn’t come back as a Force ghost to continue giving his creative input.

BTW, if you go see The Phantom Menace in 3D, you are part of the problem and are my enemy.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dave Holmes:

Obviously, the main reason I was initally so disappointed by The Phantom Menace was that I couldn’t tell which items were in the foreground.

* Still chugging away at my new book. Hope to get the first draft done (and a lot of pressure off my back) this weekend. Are you excited? You should be excited. But you won’t see it for a while. Until then, by another copy of Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

So we now have a right to force other people to pay for something we think we need. Yay.

We need a national point of order on exactly what a “right” is. We have a lot of “slavery is freedom” going on.

If you think you have a right to a job, food, and a place to live, slavery does provide all of that.

Rights do not evolve. Making rights ephemeral like that is a great way to lose them.

If it’s a right today, it would be a right a thousand years ago and a right you’d have alone on a deserted island.

I’m at CPAC, but I’m in disguise with a giant mustache and cowboy hat.

If we get a brokered convention, what the chance we’ll get an awesome ticket versus getting the RINOiest ticket ever?

“So, do you think Chuck Hagel would still want to run as a Republican?” #BrokeredConvention

“Great news! We’ve gotten Arlen Specter to rejoin the GOP. We’ve also picked a nominee. These two items are related.” #BrokeredConvention

“We’ve dubbed our current choices ‘The Three Musketeers.’ There’s a moderate, a different kind of moderate, and a westcoast liberal.” #BrokeredConvention

Today at CPAC, I’m wearing a disguise so I look exactly like Jonah Goldberg. If you see him, it’s probably me. I won’t drop character.

Send to Kindle