Random Thoughts

“Get behind me, Satan! …as an issue.”

The “Republicans want to control women’s bodies” fear is more irrational and outdated than Y2K fears.

I don’t respect the right of privacy to anyone who has their hand in my pocket.

If you want rights, be independent. Children don’t get all the rights adults do.

Was it really the last Republican debate last night? It’s going to be weird not having those every other day anymore.

Have you noticed how Ron Paul is eating from a can of beans when the camera isn’t on him?

Wow, the Republican candidates are all so awful. They need to put a cardboard cutout of Obama on stage to remind us why we care.

My one word description of myself would be “Frank”.

I will vote for whoever vows to create an Iron Man and unleash him on Iran.

The president of Iran is a feckful leader.

“I’m Ron Paul. I’ll stop our enemies by throwing gold bars at them.”

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Nuke the News: Could It Be… Satan!

* I have a New York Post column explaining why so much money is needed in presidential campaigns.

It’s a bit like when two people try to call a dog to them at the same time, except in this scenario they’re using firecrackers and other loud noises to scare the dog from going to the other side. It seems cruel — and under the barrage of negative ads, many undecideds do end up whimpering in a corner — but no one said democracy is pretty.

* The Drudge Report pulled up a speech Rick Santorum gave about Satan going after America, and it’s become a bit of a story. Apparently it’s not “hip” or “groovy” to talk about Satan as if he’s a real thing. DrewM had a good point on Twitter: Since Obama is all like Christian and stuff, shouldn’t a reporter ask him if he thinks Satan is real?

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” And now you get mocked for even bringing him up. That guy is pretty slick. But why worry about ancient silly things like Satan when we live in a modern world where we can force other people to buy it abortifacients?

* The Supreme Court is going to be looking into affirmative action again. Some people think we need it to get over racism, but we tried affirmative action on a national scale where we chose an unqualified minority for presidents over many more much more qualified people, and it hasn’t exactly been a boon in the area of race. When you look at someone’s skin color instead of his skills, it leads to high unemployment, high gas prices, and skyrocketing debt. Bad idea.

* The White House is pretty nervous about the whole Keystone pipeline thing since it was something that would both create jobs and alleviate gas prices, but they went against it because it would anger stupid environmentalists. Even the New York Times acknowledges that Obama only went against it for political reasons. But now the WH is pretending that the Republicans who were strongly pushing it were the ones that blocked it. I think that will be just a little too Orwellian for the public to swallow. If they’re making arguments that desperate, that’s a good sign to hit them harder.

And it’s not that Obama doesn’t care about jobs or gas prices — it’s just that they’re not that high on his list of concerns. For one thing, he can afford gas and has a job. And he’d like to keep that job. That’s his big concern.

* Wisdom of the Day from Stephen Green:

If there’s a candidate this year you feel really passionate about, consider professional help.

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Random Thoughts

Instead of putting accents over the letters to make them have different sounds, why not just make new letters?

I’m working on a solution to our debt crisis through an Ocean’s Eleven type heist of the world’s gold. The plan probably won’t help the European economy much.

Back before there was a cure, wasn’t rabies basically the zombie rage virus? If a rabid animal bites you, you become one. Didn’t really threaten us with a zombie apocalypse, though.

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lolbama! Part 83

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Ospurt:

[reference link]

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture (again, for reference, this is a 2013 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500):

From Arik:

[reference link (Watch this video anyway. Starts getting epic about 1 minute in, so wait for it.)]

From Basil:

[reference link]

From Basil:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Ron Rockstar:

From Travelwise 42:

[reference link]

From VelvetElvis:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Tough one this week, as I was personally flummoxed by Basil’s Chesterfield AND Kris’s Pope-Latin, Thunderbolt, and Stericulus (I actually recognized the names of the Butt sisters).

I think Basil has an edge in that he picked the one song in the universe that isn’t on YouTube, but Kris has numbers on his side.

I’d say they’re both winners.

As are we all for their participation.

What say you?

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Half Way to Halving the Deficit

* The White House website still touts Obama’s pledge to halve the deficit. It was $1.3 trillion, and for the fiscal year of 2012, the deficit is projected to be $1.3 trillion. I would check the math on whether $1.3 trillion is one half of $1.3 trillion, but my calculator doesn’t accept numbers that big.

So he didn’t divide the deficit by two, but he did divide it by one. That’s halfway there.

* I was thinking: Isn’t good economic news bad for Obama at this point? Right now, it’s starting to look like the economy is doing better, but a lot of that is because people are so discouraged that they stopped looking for work thus taking themselves out of the unemployment statistics. That gives an artificially low unemployment rate, but if word gets out that the economy is doing better, those people may start looking for work again and suddenly unemployment will go up again because of more people in the workforce. So, best strategy for Obama may be to keep the economy hurting — which he’s much better at than helping it anyway.

* There’s a huge protest at U.S. base in Afghanistan over rumors that a Koran was burned. Things must be going great in that country such that they have no other problems to deal with other than rumors of a book being burned. No wonder things are so awesome in the Middle East!

* Apparently a teenaged girl was knocked up by Hitler. Expect this to enter the contraceptive debate. Of course, you may believe contraceptives will protect your daughter from having Hitler’s love child, but you probably should raise your daughter in a way where she wouldn’t sleep with Hitler in the first place.

* Dick Cheney is lobbying in Maryland for gay marriage. And did you know that the Koch brothers are also pro-gay marriage? So there you have it: The nexus of right-wing evil all in favor of gay marriage. So what’s the chance gay marriage is a right-wing trap that will lead to higher profits for oil companies and more baby seals being clubbed? 99.9%.

* Mexico put up a billboard at their U.S. border saying no more weapons — a jab at America. I’m just surprised the Mexican government functioned long to enough to erect a billboard.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dan Cronin:

Sure, angels can fly, but don’t forget, they live in constant fear of scalpers who want to turn their hair into pasta.

* Here’s another article to file under “Why again are they called ‘progressives’?” It’s a fearful left-wing article about home schooling. Basically the conclusion is that everyone needs to stick to the current school system because that’s how we’ve been doing things and it shouldn’t be questioned and though it’s not great we need to subject our kids to it anyway and just hope eventually it will get better. It’s about as mindlessly dogmatic to an old system as you’ll ever see. As I’ve said, whatever the left accuses us of, that’s what they’re doing — even when they accuse us of being mindlessly conservative.

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Random Thoughts

Really excited about my next book. It will be the magnum opus of my ten years of blogging. Definitely funniest book ever.

“We made three mistakes: We hung an innocent man, we didn’t finish the job, and we used ‘infer’ when we meant ‘imply’.”

So Dick Cheney and the Koch brothers – the nexus of right-wing evil – support gay marriage. Hurm.

If a large number of Americans were unable to name our current president, then that would mean we have the best president ever.

My big problem with speed-reading is that I just can’t move my lips that fast.

“You may have defeated the Third Reich, but we’ll live on as stock villains in Hollywood FOREVER!”

Supervillain Loophole: Commit a crime so dastardly it affects everyone on earth, there will be no unbiased jury to prosecute you. For instance, if you block out the sun for a week, there’s no way you could get a fair trial for that.

Don’t follow NBA, so I finally looked up Jeremy Lin. Like a pre-written Hollywood underdog story.

I guarantee the Hollywood version of the Jeremy Lin story will have at least one kung fu fight. Can’t have an Asian star and no kung fu fight.

In that scene near the end of the Firefly pilot, I’m pretty sure Mal Reynolds shoots first but maybe I’m just seeing it wrong.

How dare Chris Christie. Did he learn nothing from the long hard fight to allow fat-person marriage?

“Bear” misspelled one way is aspirin while misspelled another way is paint. That’s dangerous because you don’t want to drink paint when you have a headache.

“I love Michael Bay movies!” -the next Hitler

Liberals are really afraid of the religious imposing their views on the American public because that’s their job.

The best way a man can help feminism is to have sex with lots of women because otherwise those contraceptives are rather pointless.

My dog isn’t religious. She a secular dogist.

Genius baby? Buttercup has advanced language skills for her age. On the other hand, she just threw a blanket on her head and ran into a wall.

Batman is always going after the root causes of crime: criminals’ faces. He solves them with his fist.

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Presidents Day

I have the day off, so I’ll get back to blogging tomorrow. For now, let’s celebrate how there are presidents or something. Name you favorite president, your most hated president, and the president you feel the least about one way or the other. I like Ronald Reagan, I don’t like Jimmy Carter, and I’m not actually even sure there was a president named Benjamin Harrison.

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Nuke the News: Why Do We Still Have Kennedys?

* Joe Kennedy III is going to run for Barney Frank’s seat. I think his slogan is going to be: “I’m a Kennedy; I’m entitled to this.”

Anyone who willingly elects a Kennedy shouldn’t show his face among fellow Americans. The whole point of a democracy is that we wouldn’t be forced to be ruled by a line of incompetent nitwits like in a monarchy, but for some reason some people willingly subjugate themselves to this. That’s un-American. When Big Fat Teddy K was chucked in the sea after the Navy SEALs broke into his compound and took him out, that should have been the end of that.

* Decrepit old white man questions Marco Rubio’s authenticity as a Latino. Here’s that patronizing racism I was talking about that’s so prevalent these days and not enough people are speaking out against it. You have Harry Reid, old racist loser, thinking he can characterize other people based on their skin color since supposedly he’s the caring liberal and that’s his privilege. People should be yelling him, “Why don’t you and your racist friends get out of our face before we break your hip, grandpa!” But some people cheer this on. And that’s why racism is still a problem.

* Canada is ending gun registration. Apparently it cost billions of dollars and never once helped catch a criminal — useless and expensive, the perfect left-wing program.

Views on guns have moved in one direction in America in the past fifty years — towards a stronger belief in freedom — and it’s nice to see that maybe that’s finally starting to move to other countries to. Too much of the world is backwards on this issue.

* According to Nancy Pelosi, actual rights like freedom of religion are less than made up rights like the right to have someone else paying for your contraception.

A lot of people think this whole thing is a distraction from the larger issue of the debt, economy, and jobs, but you have to remember there is no bigger issue in America than freedom of religion… at least there shouldn’t be. If we don’t have that, the rest is worthless. People didn’t come over on the Mayflower because they were escaping debt.

That’s probably how the first colony on Mars will be founded, though.

* Israel says the nuclear sanctions against Iran aren’t working. Are they getting ready to attack? Maybe. If I were them, I would totally bomb all the countries around me all the time. They all hate Israel so much already, it won’t make a noticeable difference in anyone’s attitude about them. That is one way we could get a much more modern, peaceful Middle East — have the whole area be conquered by and run by Israel.

* Wisdom of the Day from Ken Jennings:

“Bros before hoes.” –the dictionary

* Apparently there is 50 square miles of Idaho where I can commit felonies unpunished. Good to know. Hope there are things to burn there. My favorite felony is arson. What felony would you commit?

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Random Thoughts

If you want contraceptives to be a personal matter, you probably shouldn’t force other people to pay for it.

Who is this Asian guy who works for the Knicks that everyone is talking about? He mess up their accounting or something?

I thought a Theocrat was a member of the political party based around the son from The Cosby Show.

There shouldn’t be a bigger issue in this country than religious freedom.

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Nuke the News: Chimichanga

* So Obama is still pushing those Truth Teams. I notice they have a long list of lies they’re trying to fight, but one is “The Truth Teams hunt down people they don’t believe are telling the truth and drag those people away from their homes in the middle of the night.” But instead of listing that as “False”, it just has the label “Unverified.”

* There’s this controversy where Dana Milbank said, “The chimichanga? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer Latinos.” And the White House’s campaign manager retweeted it. And then some people said that’s racist.

I don’t really care about the “chimichanga” part as being racist, but it’s the underlying sentiment that’s the harmful racism. Once again you have liberals who are very desperate to force people into groups based on race. To say the GOP has nothing to offer Latinos is to say that one race all has a single monolithic viewpoint. There are no individuals, only groups, and liberals will tell you what they should think.

The basic view of a liberal on race is that white people are bad and racist, but a caring white person — much like themselves — knows what’s good for minorities even more than they do. And the minorities who get into the Democrat’s leadership seem to adopt the same view; they’re the smart one who needs to carefully care for and herd the dummy minorities who can’t take care of themselves. This is the most prevalent and harmful for of racism we have today, and at some point some people need to take a stand against if we ever really want to get past racism.

But the Democrats don’t want to get past racism. It’s the glue holding their party together.

* So a guy from Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. It’s only interesting in how much some on the left are freaking out; they really don’t like apostasy in the entertainment industry.

Still, shouldn’t someone from a group called “Megadeth” endorse someone who is pro-abortion?

* Scientists have discovered a new chameleon that’s only as big as a match head. It makes me wonder: Why would you need to be both a chameleon and super small? Isn’t the super small all you need to keep predators from seeing you? Why does it also need to be able to camouflage? Why doesn’t it need to hide so much? What’s it up to?

Man, there could be one in my house right now and I wouldn’t even know it. WHAT’S IT WANT?!!!

* Wisdom of the Day from John Scalzi:

When you really think about it, “sweater” is really an unappealing name for an article of clothing.

* IN THE MAIL: I just received the book Glock: The Rise of America’s Gun. It’s all about the development and spike in popularity among police and civilians of that ugly, ugly extremely reliable gun (I myself own a Glock 17). Looks interesting; I’ll definitely give it a read.

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