Happy Alpha Proxima Day!

Some men just want to watch the world burn. Others want to grill steaks on it.

Capping off Human Achievement Week, it’s finally Alpha Proxima Day, when we light up the sky (both day and night) so brightly that Earth outshines the nearby stars, Alpha and Proxima Centauri.

Space aliens observing our local star cluster will be all like “Wow! Did you see that? Either there was a supernova, or somebody really hates hippies!”

Speaking of hippies, I guess they’re doing something today, too – Dirt Hour or Darkness Hour or whatever – at 8:30pm. I’m kinda shocked they didn’t start it at the top of an hour. I mean, their target demographic is THC-saturated white people with dreadlocks. How’s their drug-addled gray-matter going to remember the :30 part?

Soylent Green [CAUTION: Rated R], founder of Alpha Proxima Day, suggests that the very least you should do is follow my advice from last year:

If you live next to someone who actually participates in Earth Hour, cut their power lines so that when they go to turn their lights back on at 9:30, the electricity that they just denigrated will appear to have gotten their rude little message and granted their wish to live forever in the dark like cavemen.

Maybe next time they won’t take electricity for granted.

So… how are you celebrating?

NOTE: the Planet Earth Fire Pit picutured above is actually available for purchase.

UPDATE: Linked by Hookers & Booze.

sdog linked at Catallaxy Files

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Baby Pics From CarolyntheFormerlyPregnant

Now commenting as CarolyntheMommyof2

Little girl arrived on March 19, weighing in at 9 lbs 11oz, and measuring 21 inches in length.

Oh, and per Carolyn:

“No one at IMAO won the baby pool – my husband’s cousin won by nearly guessing the name.”

So, yeah, as far as our guesses of Mittens, Wookie, Vashti, Zabbai, Squanto, Ushreaka, La-a (prononced “La(dash)a”), Dorothy, and Shane – not even close, apparently.

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Link of the Day: The Bill of Rights, Nowadays

This has been out for a while now, but I just found it, so it’s new to me. And since Tiny Minds is a relatively small (and now 3-months unupdated) blog, it’s probably new to you, too.

The Bill of Rights, Nowadays

Bonus video: Operation Hot Mic [High Praise! to Ed the Pastor]:

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #301)

By the way, I’d like to offer some clarification for readers.

For Link of the Day, I’m not really looking for YouTube videos directly. The intent of this feature is more to send traffic to other blogs to reward them for posting thoughtful articles or funny pictures.

Maybe videos too, if the blogger in question adds some clever commentary that’s worthy of recognition.

I can’t read the entire internet by myself, so any help you guys can offer is appreciated.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Department of Justice to Ship 450 Million Bullets to Mexico

WASHINGTON (AP) – As a follow-up to its Fast & Furious gun-smuggling program, the Department of Justice is coordinating with the Department of Homeland Security to ship 450 million bullets to Mexico.

We’ll get your bullets to you in 30 minutes or less or they’re free.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano explained that the move was an attempt to correct some of the errors made during the DoJ’s recent program to sneak American firearms into the hands of Mexican drug lords, and then use their inevitable murderous rampages as leverage for stronger gun control laws in the United States.

“Monday the FedEx guy just dropped 450 million bullets on our doorstep for some reason,” said Napolitano. “Probably should’ve got to the Department of Defense down the hall. Lord knows if our troops had that much ammo, WE sure as heck wouldn’t need it. But, I didn’t ask any questions. I’m a member of President Obama’s cabinet. They don’t pay me to think.”

“Anyway, a couple hours later, Eric Holder pops his head into my office and asks to ‘borrow a bullet to put an end to the humiliation of my scandal once and for all’. I said ‘sure, take 450 million of them.’ Then his eyes got real wide like he just had a great idea. You could almost see the light bulb over his head. It wasn’t a CFL, bulb, though. I’m going to report him to Steven Chu for that.”

At at press conference on Thursday, Attorney General Eric Holder announced he would launch a follow-up program to “Fast & Furious” called “Bullets for Banditos”.

“As I mentioned in my previous congressional testimony, I realize now that the ‘Fast & Furious’ program was executed ‘extremely poorly’. You see, although we shipped thousands of guns to vicious criminal kingpins south of the artificial line drawn between the two great nations of Mexico and America, we completely forgot to give them any bullets. I mean, like, WOW! What the heck was I thinking?”

“However, the United States fully intends to correct its embarrassing oversight, and those most desperately in need of the capability to intimidate and slaughter anyone who might get in their way can rest assured that we will address this situation with all due haste.”

Asked if he was concerned that some people might consider the operation’s name racist, Holder replied, “absolutely not.”

“First,” he explained, “I’m black, and therefore incapable of racism, so it’s racist of you to even ask that question. Second, all Hispanics were recently reclassified as white, and you’d have to be a complete idiot to think that ‘banditos’ was an ethnic slur against white people.”

Chastised, the reporter then withdrew the question.

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Human Achievement Week: Cutting Steel With Bacon

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #497,013)

Bacon! There’s nothing it can’t do!

Except maybe get eaten by terrorists.

REMINDER: Alpha Proxima Day starts at midnight. Remember to turn on all your lights so we can make up for all the darkness-worshiping hippies who will kneel in supplication to Earth Hour tomorrow at 8:30pm.

Electric power plants create good-paying American jobs. Especially the filthy coal-fired ones. Keep the economy stimulated.

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Another Obama Hot Mic Moment

[High Praise! to Conservatarian for the idea]

[reference link]

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Nuke the News: Paul Ryan Endorses the True Conservative

* So Paul Ryan has endorsed Mitt Romney. I think we’re going to start seeing pretty much everyone coalesce around Romney now — embracing the inevitable. So, do you think IMAO should go ahead and write up a Romney endorsement? I’m not sure what I’d say.

“There are worse people than Romney… not many, but one of them is currently president, so there you have it.”

Well, despite how tepid we are about Romney, we’re going to get energetic about him the closer it gets to November. That’s when purely partisan part of the brain takes over and mixes with fear of an Obama second term.

* BTW, Paul Ryan’s budget passed the House in a 228-191 vote. It fared way better than Obama’s budget which was rejected by the House 414-0.

Our president is such a serious and capable person.

Anyway, the Democrats are going to portray Paul Ryan’s budget as “radical,” but what’s more radical: Paul Ryan’s budget or not having any budget for years?

* To combat high gas prices, Obama is trying to raise the cost of doing business for oil companies.

Yeah, I’m not sure how that logic works. It’s I guess the same “logic” used when trying to stimulate the economy: If we do mean things to people we’re irrationally angry at, then good things will happen.

* In response to the Trayvon shooting, the New York Times put up a pro-gun control editorial, and it’s kind of pathetic. I mean, it’s got the usual mindless fear and boneheaded logic common to the genre (she mentions that if New York City had conceal carry laws like the rest of the country, Jared Loughner could bring a gun into Times Square, but what exactly is stopping someone like Jared Loughner from doing that now?), but the pathetic thing is the resigned tone where she pretty much understand none of the rest of the country is listening to her.

Anyway, this got me thinking, it sure would be intellectually honest if more people started framing their arguments in the terms, “I don’t like freedom on this issue and here is why…” You pretty much never see that. I mean, gun control is an anti-freedom stance, but they never argue it that way. I think maybe that’s why they don’t understand how unpopular their stance is.

The same thing with the health care debate. The mandate is an anti-freedom stance, but they try to say they’re for more freedom by ending worries about health care, which is BS. One thing is freedom and one thing isn’t; it’s not debatable. Putting a gun to someone’s head and saying, “You must buy health insurance!” isn’t freedom and no one should pretend it is. It’s okay to take an anti-freedom stance, you just should frame it terms of why you think your ideas are better than liberty. And that will probably also help you understand why so many people don’t like your views, as the left always seems to get caught off guard by that.

* I’ve always wondered whether society will end with apes taking over — like in Planet of the Apes — or with robots taking over — like with Terminator. Well, some are trying to make both happen at once. I don’t want to sound anti-science, but we need to destroy science before it destroys us.

UPDATE 7pm: The Sundries Shack linked with some good thoughts on how Democrats could’ve done Obamacare without toilet-paperizing the Constitution, had they been serious about “helping the needy”, instead of just giving into their baser urges to attempt a loathsome power-grab. – Harvey

UPDATE 4-2-12: Linked by PA Pundits

UPDATE 4-2-12: Linked by The Patriot Post

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Random Thoughts

Since we’re not paying for Iran’s birth control, does that mean we’re already at war with them?

If you’re actually concerned about the fate of black youths, there are probably a lot greater threats to focus on than neighborhood watches.

If you made a bunch of mini clones of Toure, you’d have Tourettes.

I learned the Constitution puts limitation on federal power back in grade school. Why do so many people seem so surprised by that notion?

Chance of winning Mega Millions: 1 in 175,711,536. Chance of becoming one of the top 1% through hard work, investing: at least 1 in 100.

I thought Anchorman was funny, but I don’t really get the huge deal about it.

Since I’m a humor expert, I guess I should give it further study.

And please don’t construe any of this as me not liking lamps.

One of the oddest effects of guns is their ability to keep people from using basic logic. Mainly those who don’t own them.

It would be nice if more people framed their arguments as “I don’t like freedom on this issue and here’s why…”

Got an email from John Kerry complaining about billionaires and thought maybe he was breaking up with his wife.

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Link of the Day

[High Praise! to Son of Bob]

Son of Bob sent me a link to the Daily Caller, where it turns out that Trayvon had a second Twitter account, and his self-portrait had an obscene hand gesture.

Son of Bob suggested something… interesting… I could do with that picture, and I liked the idea. However, obscene hand gestures don’t really qualify as PG-13, so I’m not posting it here.

So, I posted it at my personal blog. If you’re not offended by obscene hand gestures, go take a peek.

If you ARE offended by obscene hand gestures, here’s a link to CutePuppies.net

OO! Look! Baby Chomps! “Flip-flops make me angry. VERY angry.”

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Obama Clarifies Hot Mic Remarks

WASHINGTON (AP) – President Obama held a press conference today to “clarify” remarks he made at the tail end of his 90 minute meeting with Russian President Dmitri Medvedev Monday, which were picked up by microphones as reporters were let into the room.

‘It’s 1B 2B 3 – so easy a Scotsman could remember it.’

“Now,” began the President after the attendees had quieted down, “when I said I needed ‘space’ to solve the missile defense issue, I was taking a firm and manly stand against the encroachment of Russian satellite technology orbiting the earth. The United States is currently contracting with a high-tech, sustainable, solar-powered defense firm in Idaho to create a space-based laser system for shooting down evil Russkie missiles. Lots of good, green jobs, ya know. And the thing is huge, so it needs lots of space. In space. So, that’s what I meant by needing space.”

“As for the part about having ‘more flexibility’ after the election,” continued Obama, “well, it was supposed to be a secret, but the cat’s out of the bag now. So, I’m proud to announce that my wife, Michelle, is rolling out her ‘Let’s Flex!’ program next year for all government workers. It’s like yogi & pilots… all that bendy stuff. I like to joke that it’ll help me get out of the way if I ever find myself between Michelle and a tamale. Heh. Good times. We kid a lot. But seriously. Just, you know, like dance aerobics. To increase flexibility. Certainly no threat to violate the constitutional limits on my powers or anything.”

“Finally,” concluded Obama, “telling Medvedev what America’s nuclear launch codes are was just sort of a back-up plan for ensuring the complete annihilation of the United States on the off chance that my plan to destroy it economically falls through. Don’t worry. They probably won’t even need to use them unless Obamacare gets overturned.”

After an aide informed the President that his last remark to Medvedev hadn’t been overheard by reporters, Obama paused in dead silence, then said “Oh! That’s my ring,” checked his cell phone, and stated “gotta take this” while hurrying off stage.

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Human Achievement Week: Robot That Can Jump 30 Feet High

Sand Flea is an 11-lb robot with one trick up its sleeve: Normally it drives like an RC car, but when it needs to it can jump 30 feet into the air. An onboard stabilization system keeps it oriented during flight to improve the view from the video uplink and to control landings. Current development of Sand Flea is funded by the The US Army’s Rapid Equipping Force. For more information visit www.BostonDynamics.com.

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #688,568)

Who’s got the high ground NOW, Obi-Wan?

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Nuke the News: Severable

* So they the Supreme Court discussed the severability of the individual mandate yesterday. It’s a discussion that’s moot if the mandate is upheld, but if the mandate is struck down and it’s decided that the mandate isn’t severable (it is the key to the bill’s funding), then all of Obamacare will be tossed out.

I saw this headline: “What will the Republicans do if Supreme Court kills Obamacare?” The answer: Laugh until we’re physically sick.

There will be gloating unlike this nation as ever seen if Obamacare is completely tossed out. It probably will be an awful spectacle and not be at all helpful to stopping Obama from being reelected, but we also might not be able to help it. The left will be shouting, “Stop licking our faces!” To which we’ll say, “But your tears taste so sweet!”

Well, we’ll find out in June, I guess.

* If you were waiting to hear from Pravda before making your decision in the presidential election, they do not like Mitt Romney. Certainly not as much as they like Obama. So there’s that.

But if you were waiting until George H.W. Bush made an endorsement, well he endorsed Romney. So that should totally influence… um… Well, I don’t think it will make a difference with Pravda.

Senator Marco Rubio has also endorsed Romney, though. Since Romney is pretty much certain to win, it’s not really much help at this point. I guess people just feel the need to start rallying behind him. Are you ready for that? IMAO is working on a new logo where we replace the moon with Romney’s smiling face. Go Romney!

* On the campaign trail, Joe Biden mistakenly referred to college president Dr. Paper as “Dr. Pepper.” Dan Quayle just can’t compete with this guy.

In Biden’s defense, he often makes mistakes when he’s thirsty. Or speaking.

* Underneath our noses, there apparently has been an Amish gang war going on where they cut off each other’s beards or something. Why hasn’t there been a basic cable drama — like on AMC — about the seedy underbelly of the Amish? Could be interesting. And I just pitched it. So if a studio decides to do it, they have to give me money.

And if you’re every fighting an Amish man, go for his beard. That’s the source of his power.

* Wisdom of the Day from Josh Greenman:

Using only the power of argument, Paul Clement just made me hit myself.

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Random Thoughts

I don’t get why some people think a car elevator is a big deal. Are they claiming their cars can use the stairs?

That fight at the end of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol at Romney’s house was pretty cool.

How about a compromise: You can stay on your parents’ insurance until age 26, but then you’re not classified as an adult and can’t vote.

A lot of people these days don’t start to get their heads together until age 30; maybe we should change the legal definition of an adult.

“Right-wingers aren’t funny! All they do is point and laugh at me and I don’t get it and it makes me feel bad!”

The right don’t need jokes; we just laugh at poor people.

I think there are fewer right comedians for same reason there are fewer right actors. It’s not that a conservative can’t act; it’s just not a career choice a conservative usually gravitates to.

So who’s the funniest faction of the left? I always get the most laughs out of the feminists. Experts at deadpan humor.

I need to explain to Buttercup that pointing out objects you know the name of does not count as conversation.

If all of Obamacare is struck down, the subsequent gloating party won’t be helpful to defeating Obama, but some things are more important.

State of the economy: I use to get iPad twitter spam. Now I’m getting Walmart twitter spam.

The controversy in this country isn’t access to birth control. It’s access to other people’s wallets.

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Link of the Day

[High Praise! to Ed the Pastor]

Sooper Mexican’s title is self-explanatory:

The Sooper Guide to “White Hispanic” Skin Color for the Gringo Media!

Bonus link [High Praise! to Chris]:

Moon Formation Theory Challenged by New Study

For some reason, I kept thinking of this scene from “The Empire Strikes Back,” except with the part of Luke being played by the moon, and the Earth as Darth Vader:

[YouTube direct link]

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Jane Fonda to Play Nancy Reagan

Uber-commie Hanoi Jane playing the wife of the closest thing this country’s had to a decent President since Andrew Jackson paid off the national debt?


Can’t wait to see what other brilliant casting choices come out of Hollywood:

Megan Fox as Hillary Clinton?

* Clint Eastwood as Mahatma Gandhi

* Peter Dinklage as The Incredible Hulk

* Jack Black as Fabio

* Mel Gibson as Golda Meir

* Barack Obama as Andrew Jackson

* Governor Mitt Romney as Candidate Mitt Romney

* Michael Moore as Clint Eastwood

* Arnold Schwarzenegger as King George VI

* Penn Jillette as Teller

* Richard Dawkins as Pope Benedict XVI

* Bullwinkle as Rocky

* Vin Diesel as Don Knotts

I was going to mention George W. Bush as Hitler, but I’m pretty sure that’s already been done to death.

[High Praise! to zzyzx for the story link]

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