Celebrating once again – on its special day – the country that Americans only care about once a year because it’s a great excuse to get drunk.
FUN FACTS ABOUT IRELAND
* Ireland is slightly larger than the state of West Virginia. However, in Ireland, impoverished mountain folk are known as “hillrileys”
* All Irish citizens are required by law to make a bizarre pilgrimmage to Dublin once a year, crawling on their bellies while balancing a full glass of Guinness on their head.
* The average life expectancy for men in Ireland is 75 years. At 76, the crystal in their hand starts flashing red. Carousel!
* 88% of the Irish are members of the Roman Catholic Church, making the Catholic population nearly as large as the Kennedys.
* Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips, which the nation switched to after the country’s potato crop was devastated by a visiting Michael Moore on a french-fry binge.
* There are 36 airports in Ireland, all suitable for night-flight landings thanks to the plethora of neon “Jameson” bar signs lighting the runways.
* Catherine Kelly was the smallest Irish woman ever, only 34 inches tall. She died in 1785 in the electric chair after mudering 137 people while screaming “leprechaun jokes aren’t funny!”
* And before you ask, no, they never found her pot of gold, smartass.
* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him. Or you’re an idiot who forgot to remove your bluetooth earpiece.
* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. Most of them insisted you should pronounce their name to rhyme with “book”.
* In the olden days, a pig was often allowed to live in the house with the family on an Irish farm. He was commonly referred to as “the gentleman who pays the rent.” Modern Irish immigrant families usually just called him “Teddy”.
* A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day”, and is celebrated with binge-drinking, dancing, and raucous music. As are all other days containing weather.
* “Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes. It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. Although similar, it should not be confused with its more annoying cousin, “bagpiping.”
* Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool”, although they had considered naming it “Marbh Linn” after the 5th and best Dirty Harry movie.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!