GM Halts Production of Volt, Receives $100 Billion Retooling Grant

Posted on March 5, 2012 2:02 pm

DETROIT (AP) – General Motors announced that it would no longer manufacture its cutting edge electric car, the Chevy Volt, citing poor sales figures and mounting losses. Instead, GM said it will accept a $100 billion dollar grant from the federal government to retool its Hamtramck, Michigan, production facilities to build more profitable, non-automotive products.

“Can I borrow a cup of electricity?”

While the specifics of the new product lines are still being debated within both the GM boardroom and smoky backrooms on Capitol Hill, General Motors spokesman Chris Lee held a press conference announcing the products his bosses hoped would return financial stability to the venerable 103-year-old company.

“Solyndra’s bankruptcy,” said Lee, “left a warehouse full of overpriced, unusable solar parts. Since the government already paid for those with a $500 million loan guarantee, it only makes sense that GM should use government money to buy those parts again, thus maintaining the level of federal spending that is the foundation of America’s vibrant economy.”

“Since GM doesn’t make a solar panels, we will likely just bolt the parts to bumpers of 2012 Chevy Sonics and pray that hipsters start liking them ironically.”

“Also,” continued Lee, “we’ve determined that the tiny springs used in the Volt’s suspension system are, coincidentally, perfectly suited for use in ‘Obama 2012′ click-top pens and bobblehead dolls, thus allowing for full repurposing of our current unused inventory.”

GM will also use its grant money to buy out the bankrupted remains of Hostess bakeries.

“This is a match made in heaven,” said Lee. “Turns out that the golden sponge cake in Twinkies is – in both taste and consistency – nearly identical to the foam rubber padding used in the Volt’s driver and passenger seats.”

To offer GM your suggestions for products they should make instead of the Chevy Volt, use Twitter hashtag #ReplaceTheVolt

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14 Responses to “GM Halts Production of Volt, Receives $100 Billion Retooling Grant”

  1. EdthePastor says:

    Hey leave the twinkies out of this.

  2. Mxymaster says:

    Yeah, it’s all fun and games until someone squishes the Twinkies.

  3. MarkoMancuso says:

    I missed you, Harvey.

  4. storm1911 says:

    Ar rhe risk of being crude, GM can manufacture, um, er, personal care devices subsidized by the tax payers for Fluke’s, ah, um, personal use. I am sure Pelosi and Obama would back this one.

    You can pry my Twinkies from my cold dead fingers. When Twinkies are outlawed, only outlaws will have Twinkies.

  5. Ernie Loco says:

    From the article you linked:

    “Although we loaded the Volt with state-of-the-art safety features, we did not engineer the Volt to be a political punching bag. And that, sadly, is what the Volt has become.”

    “The fact that GM is now facing an oversupply of Volts suggests that consumer demand is just not that strong for these vehicles.”

    I think those quotes fall into the category of “No s***, Sherlock.”

  6. zzyzx says:

    …And, thanks to the large amounts of preservatives they contain, the Twinkies will outlast the foam rubber in those seats by several years.

  7. Paul says:

    “…sales of the Volt in February more than tripled from a year earlier to 1,023, the rate is below what’s needed to meet Chief Executive Officer Dan Akerson’s goal of 45,000 deliveries in the U.S. this year…”
    “We’re almost there boys! We only missed this years goal by 43,977 units. We’ll nail it next year!!”

  8. Jimmy says:

    “cup of electricity”

    How would like an Avogadro’s Number worth of electrons/second up your nose, you clueless liberal?

    (Would that be about 100,000 Amps, or what?)

  9. Silverfiddle says:

    They could use them to house the homeless, since on of those little crapboxes is about the size of the average European apartment…

  10. seanmahair says:

    I read a wonderful article about “bricking”. What happens when your Volt loses all of it’s Voltage (ba da ching). $40.000 will get you a brand new battery, same old nasty Government car but brand new battery. Now that’s hope and change one can really get behind.

    Literally.

  11. CarolynthePregnant says:

    I missed Harvey, too. Now where the heck is Basil?

  12. 4of7 says:

    They cancelled the Volt?
    Aw darn it, and I was all set to march down there and buy two, just as soon I heard back from that nice Nigerian prince with the 40 million dollar inheritance that I met on the interwebs.
    Hey look! A flying pig!

  13. tom says:

    I really wish they would outlaw twinkies. Hostess’s stock would go right through the roof because everyone would start buying them.

  14. Taxpayer says:

    I love this comment I found at NewsBusters.org: “General Motors has STOPPED production of the Chevy Volt! Too bad, because the Volt is the PERFECT symbol of Obama’s Presidency.. Running out of juice and going up in flames!” –Jodi Miller

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