DETROIT (AP) – General Motors announced that it would no longer manufacture its cutting edge electric car, the Chevy Volt, citing poor sales figures and mounting losses. Instead, GM said it will accept a $100 billion dollar grant from the federal government to retool its Hamtramck, Michigan, production facilities to build more profitable, non-automotive products.
While the specifics of the new product lines are still being debated within both the GM boardroom and smoky backrooms on Capitol Hill, General Motors spokesman Chris Lee held a press conference announcing the products his bosses hoped would return financial stability to the venerable 103-year-old company.
“Solyndra’s bankruptcy,” said Lee, “left a warehouse full of overpriced, unusable solar parts. Since the government already paid for those with a $500 million loan guarantee, it only makes sense that GM should use government money to buy those parts again, thus maintaining the level of federal spending that is the foundation of America’s vibrant economy.”
“Since GM doesn’t make a solar panels, we will likely just bolt the parts to bumpers of 2012 Chevy Sonics and pray that hipsters start liking them ironically.”
“Also,” continued Lee, “we’ve determined that the tiny springs used in the Volt’s suspension system are, coincidentally, perfectly suited for use in ‘Obama 2012’ click-top pens and bobblehead dolls, thus allowing for full repurposing of our current unused inventory.”
GM will also use its grant money to buy out the bankrupted remains of Hostess bakeries.
“This is a match made in heaven,” said Lee. “Turns out that the golden sponge cake in Twinkies is – in both taste and consistency – nearly identical to the foam rubber padding used in the Volt’s driver and passenger seats.”
To offer GM your suggestions for products they should make instead of the Chevy Volt, use Twitter hashtag #ReplaceTheVolt