Archive for April, 2012

Update: The Obama Ate a Dog Singalong Project

Monday, April 30, 2012 7:40 pm

A follow-up to the previous announcement.

Innomonatus’s project to record a multi-participant song, “We Don’t Eat Dogs” to the tune of “We Are the World”, is still moving along.

Words and music now available.

Pick some lines, record yourself singing (or doing whatever it is Bob Dylan does, if you have no singing talent), and send them to Innomonatus (his email link is in his right sidebar, near the top).

Ya know, I was worried this topic might blow over before the song was done, but I guess we can always count on Obama to light a cigar as the Hindenburg is landing.

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Link of the Day: Why Obama is Like Superman

Monday, April 30, 2012 6:02 pm

Sure, we’ve all seen that picture of Obama standing in front of the Superman statue in Metropolis, Illinois, but have you ever REALLY thought about why Obama is like Superman?

Chris Muir, brilliant author of the Day by Day comic, did on Sunday.

Obama and Superman

Go. Read. Enjoy.

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Obama’s Civilian National Security Force Training Video

Monday, April 30, 2012 4:05 pm

[High Praise! to Bantha_Fodder]

Based on the quality of recruits the TSA gets, I bet that Civilian National Security Force Obama wanted would be a lot like this:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,249,477)

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14 Truths In Honor of National Honesty Day

Monday, April 30, 2012 3:24 pm

Today is National Honesty Day.

Probably no coincidence that it’s almost exactly on the opposite side of the year as election day.

When posting at IMAO, I confess that I regularly… stretch the truth… on some of my posts (except for Newsish Fakery, of course). So to make up for that, it’s time to serve up a stack of plain-talk pancakes:
______________

Janet Napolitano = Justin Bieber + 40 years

1) Obama said Jon Stewart has “more credibility than a lot of more conventional news programs do.” So does the last check I bounced.

2) On foreign policy, Joe Biden was correct to observe that “the president has a big stick.” He doesn’t have the stones to break anyone’s bones with it, though.

3) If you send in Seal Team 6, you don’t need to nuke it from orbit to be sure.

4) I don’t believe Obama when he says he ate a dog. He’s about as convincing as those guys in high school who’d tell you “I went out with a cheerleader last night and we TOTALLY did it!”

5) Porky Pig didn’t have a speech impediment, Warner Brothers just bought him a really cheap teleprompter.

6) Chevy Volts don’t “mysteriously” burst into flame, unless you think the Fire Triangle is someplace near Bermuda.

7) Although the “kids getting alcohol poisoning from drinking Purell” story is an internet hoax, drinking Purell would actually be less risky than drinking Obama’s Kool-Aid.

8) People joke that electronic media will never replace print because you can’t line a bird cage with a Kindle. You can, it’s just really expensive. Obama would probably give you a grant for it, though.

9) Rachel Maddow complained that women only make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. Obama’s well on the way to fixing this, since unemployment pays EVERYONE the same.

10) Toothpicks are man’s best friend. His worst enemy: gum splinters.

11) The real reason Obama quit smoking? He wasn’t cool enough any more. Joe Camel never would’ve wrecked the economy.

12) Obama said that, under Obamacare, if you like your current insurance, you can keep it. Similarly, my auto mechanic offers to let me keep the broken parts he replaces on my car.

13) If you really want to be an overachiever, don’t give 110%. Give pi. That’s like 314%.

14) If Paul Ryan were elected President, not only would he nuke the moon on day one, he’d do it under budget while passing massive tax cuts.
______________

And I want to mention one more thing, because so many people get it wrong: Chris Matthews did NOT say that Obama gave him a “tingle” up his leg. He said, “I felt this thrill going up my leg.” Which is somehow even creepier.

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12 Fun Facts About Romney

Monday, April 30, 2012 11:00 am

A lot of conservatives seem disappointed that Mitt Romney is going to be the GOP nominee. He seems like the boring, safe choice. But to cheer everyone up, Harvey and I looked up some fun facts about him to show he’s not quite as boring as he seems.

FUN FACTS ABOUT MITT ROMNEY

* At night, he dresses up in a costume and goes to the poorest neighborhoods and beats people up… some of them criminals.

* He loves to engage in money fights, and he usually wins since he’s often the only with big bags of cash on him.

* He’s only real friend is hologram Tupac.

* In his house he has a car elevator, a toaster elevator, a toilet elevator, and an elevator elevator to help deliver elevator’s into his house. Interestingly, the only way for a human to get to the second story is to climb a rope with knots tied in it.

* He’s never been big on guns because of Asimov’s Laws of Robotics.

* Somewhere in Romney’s attic is a wig that grows increasingly older and uglier.

* If elected, Mitt Romney would become only the second American President who was also secretly a vampire hunter

* Mitt Romney supports the idea that corporations are people, yet opposes converting them to Soylent Green.

* He was very surprised by the controversy about him strapping his dog to the roof of his car because no one complained when he transported a hobo the same way.

* He’s an avid blogger, though he does so under the pseudonym “Allahpundit.”

* Has repeatedly punched Bill Gates in the face, though just as part of his rich person fight club.

* He still has the first dollar he ever earned and the hand of the first person who tried to steal it.

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Random Thoughts: How to Make a Better Sitcom

Monday, April 30, 2012 9:32 am

I honestly thought being horrible at president would matter more at the polls.

I can see the argument that Romney would suck as president, but that he’d be worse than Obama seems preposterous.

I thought the Civil War documentary Community episode was the best ever, but the Law & Order one may have beaten it.

I have an idea: a sitcom set in… wait for it… New York City.

I don’t like politics. If it stayed out of my way, I’d stay out of its.

Fire Dan Savage. Or at least take his lunch money.

Does it disturb you that we never found anything out about Bamm-Bamm’s true parentage? Just one of life’s unsolved mysteries.

So when am I notable enough to be on Wikipedia? Someone doesn’t officially exist until you can prove they do on Wikipedia.

Watching the live 30 Rock delayed for Mountain Time off of DVR.

They should do a new Star Wars special edition where Han fires round after round into an unarmed Greedo who’s begging for mercy.

Got a really long, one star review from someone who obviously didn’t read my book and thought it was serious.

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Last of the “Obama Ate A Dog” jokes

Monday, April 30, 2012 8:02 am

It’s time for the “Obama Ate A Dog” jokes to end.

Not because the jokes aren’t funny. Some are.

Not because he didn’t eat a dog. He did.

But because now Obama is telling them:

[Direct link]

Obama doesn’t do something unless it’s way too late or it was a bad idea to start with.

Well, there is the whole Leon Panetta and Hillary Clinton make it happen over Valerie Jarrett’s objections, but this doesn’t fall into that category.

No, this is definitely Obama deciding to tell an “Obama Ate A Dog” joke. Which means it’s time for them to end.

Soon.

So, here’s your last chance. Share your favorite “Obama Are A Dog” joke.

[Click for more "Obama Ate A Dog" humor]

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Link of the Day: Will Mark Steyn Get Fired for This?

Sunday, April 29, 2012 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to Les of Brick Moon]

Cuisines from My Stepfather

Considering what NRO did to Derbyshire for writing about uncomfortable (for the left) truths, this sacred-cow barbecue by Mark Steyn surely has “pink slip” written all over it.

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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How to Make Every Day Earth Day

Sunday, April 29, 2012 3:26 pm

[High Praise! to 4of7]

Simple.

Do this every day:


[MRC direct link] (Viewer #1,677)

UPDATE: Linked by Theo Spark

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Link of the Day: Avatar Fails the Noble Savage Test

Saturday, April 28, 2012 6:06 pm

[High Praise! to John]

Ok, this piece has words that only grown-ups should use, even in the title:

The Na’vi From Avatar Are Ass****s

However, it is also well-written, insightful, entertaining, and includes non-sweary bits like this:

The Na’vi are presented as enlightened, not because they found a way to successfully blend nature and technology, but because they’ve never developed technology, or moved beyond the aboriginal level. In reality, there’s nothing especially noble about never moving past the third-world. Ask the kids in Africa. Ask all the people throughout history. Do you know what the treatment for appendicitis was, up until the 20th century?

Burial.

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Who’s Your Favorite Under-Rated Blogger?

Saturday, April 28, 2012 7:00 am

As I scour the internet, looking for links to keep you entertained, I’m kinda surprised how difficult it is to find decent text-based right-wing blog humor. It’s all reposts of YouTube videos now.

Even Scrappleface, whose coined the term “Axis of Weasels” back in his writing days, has climbed aboard the video train.

Surely there are still writers out there who seek to amuse, aren’t there?

My question is, who do YOU read when you want to be entertained? Not the gigantor mega-bloggers that everyone’s heard of. I mean talented, low-traffic sites still struggling for attention.

Who’s your favorite under-rated blogger? Drop a link in the comments.

And yes, you can name yourself.

And yes, even first-time visitors are invited to participate.

UPDATE: linked by Ace of Spaces HQ

UPDATE: linked by Points and Figures

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Logic Puzzle

Friday, April 27, 2012 7:15 pm

Saw this and wanted to share:

If you choose an answer to this problem at random, what is the chance that you will be correct?

A) 25%
B) 50%
C) 0%
D) 25%

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Link of the Day: The Baby Name Wizard – How Popular Is Your Name?

Friday, April 27, 2012 6:08 pm

The Baby Name Wizard

The first thing everyone does at this site is look up their own name.

Having the now-unusual name Harvey, I was very surprised to discover that, as late as the 1930′s, it was in the top 100 for most common boys’ names.

By the year 2000, it had fallen out of the top 1000.

After your own name, you will start looking up names of friends/spouses/lovers (I only had to look up one, your mileage may vary).

Then things will start getting weird.

In my case, I checked out the popularity of the name “Susan” for boys. Turned out it became a minor fad in the 30′s, but stopped dead after the 60′s:

Coincidentally, Johnny Cash released “A Boy Named Sue” in 1969.

My theory? A whole bunch of old men got their asses beat, and fathers in general wised up because of it.

There may or may not be a Tea Party metaphor lodged in this story.

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

UPDATE: Linked by Ace of Spades HQ

UPDATE: Linked by Conservative Underground

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10 Ways Obama is Dumbing Down His Speeches

Friday, April 27, 2012 2:48 pm

A new study shows that while President Bush routinely gave his speeches at a 10th grade comprehension level, President Obama has given speeches on at least three college campuses in which he orated at a 6th grade level.

Ya know, I thought I’d noticed some peculiar stuff lately, like:
______________

2009: “undocumented workers”
2012: “Mexi-friends!”

1) Turning the teleprompter toward the audience so they can see the pictures.

2) Changing the “applause” sign to “clap – the hand kind, not the free-clinic kind”

3) In the new edition of “Dreams From My Father”, that lately-infamous passage now reads, “I make bite-bite on woof-woof.”

4) When was the last time you saw Obama give a speech without a crowd of googly-eyed muppets crowding around him, singing the last line he just spoke?

5) That Earth Day speech where he kept repeating “Brawndo’s got what plants crave. It’s got electrolytes.

6) Adding another food group to the ChooseMyPlate.Gov icon labeled “Gerber”.

7) Letting Joe Biden speak in public again.

8) Jingling his keys in the air to call press conferences to order.

9) Tickling the TV cameras under the lens while saying “cootchie-coo!”

10) And probably the most egregious example was from just this week: “When a Secret Service agent and a Colombian hooker love each other very much…”

______________

Michelle’s not much better, swooping a spoonful of peas around, making airplane noises, and telling kids to “open up the hangar.”

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Internet Scofflaw

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Why Driving the Speed Limit is a Bad Idea

Friday, April 27, 2012 1:46 pm

[No High Praise! to Frank J, since it's his job to make IMAO awesome anyway]

Somewhere in the last decade, car insurance commercials – especially Allstate – started showing car-crashes in their commercials. Before that, the actual impact was omitted. Artistically, the theory was that implying a horrible thing was more powerful than showing it.

In this video, they actually show the impact, and – in this particular case – I think doing so makes the message more powerful. Stick with it all the way to the end, and see if you agree.

Oh, and if you’re afflicted with language sensitivities, don’t read the end credits:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #2,484,824)

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Nuke the News: We Need a Bailout Bailout

Friday, April 27, 2012 11:00 am

* Biden wants to assure us that Obama has a big stick.

Have you seen any features on what Biden is like out of politics? I mean, is he this dumb in real life? The guy comes off as Lenny from Of Mice and Men given public office. Except when he accidentally breaks a puppies neck, Obama eats them.

And as for Obama wielding a “big stick,” do you think he’ll use it against anyone other than his own citizens who don’t like giant government.

* I can’t believe Obama ever thought of attacking Romney on flip flopping. Does Obama want to portray himself as someone who won’t change his ways — i.e., we’re going to get this exact same inept awfulness for another four years?

Then again, the other attack idea from Obama is to portray Romney as an extreme right-wing conservative. Seems like a hard feat when Romney couldn’t himself convince Republicans he’s even a regular conservative.

* Poor Obama, he thinks his problem is that we just don’t understand him. In fact, I think I wrote a book on how Obama is just too beyond us that we lash out at him in fear. Maybe he could give speeches to better explain things to us since he’s supposed to be such a great speaker. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work. Maybe he could be all petulant and play golf a lot. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work either. Well, maybe he can just shout, “You all don’t deserve me!” and then not run for reelection. That’s a great idea; he should do that.

* Obama has solved one problem — one he seemed determined not to solve: illegal immigration. Ends up we didn’t need border fences or deportation or Mexi-cannons — all we needed was a horrible economy. Thanks Obama for your outside the box thinking on this one.

* I can’t believe they’re making student loans an issue for this election. I just paid off mine last year, and if there is a bailout for student loans, I’ll be so mad. It seems like those of us who play by the rules are just constantly having to pay for the bad choices of stupid people. Can’t there be a bailout for people who aren’t idiots? Like can’t we confiscate whatever little money idiots have left and distribute it to people like me? I.e., I want a piece of the profits from the lottery.

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Random Thoughts: “Tell Me Again About the Rabbits, Barack”

Friday, April 27, 2012 9:32 am

King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, is named after the king of Prussia.

I didn’t make that fact up. I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Man, I was 23 when I started blogging. I hate 23 year olds. They’re so stupid about politics.

I still hope to be rich and famous some day, but I’ll settle for just rich. I don’t know how annoying famous could be.

Do you think it would be possible to one day liberate California or is that another Iraq type situation?

So Biden is basically Lenny from Of Mice and Men elected to public office.

I’d think Obama would love a friend who accidentally kills puppies. “Well, no reason to let this dead puppy go to waste…”

How about if the government bails you out of your student loans, you could then be randomly selected to fight to death in the Debt Games.

What is it with conservatives and wanting choices to have consequences?

I really should be part of a think tank. How much do they pay?

Conservatives: “Don’t touch the hot stove!”
Liberals: “How can we use the government to make hot stoves touchable?”

Bring up the “99%” and “1%” nonsense around me and my fist will start occupying some faces.

Romney once saved a dog? So he’s way ahead of Obama on dogs “saved or created.”

I wish Edward Norton was still Hulk. Ruffalo is better suited to getting in a misunderstanding with Reese Witherspoon than threatening aliens.

Edward Norton is just very good at looking wimpy while still being threatening.

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Link of the Day: If the Characters in the Avengers Movie Were Played by Dinosaurs

Thursday, April 26, 2012 6:03 pm

Dino Avengers Excavated & Assembled

The big question is whether Ironkylosaurus would technically count as Frank’s coveted “dinosaur with a rocket launcher.”

If you think Dino-Avengers are a terrible idea, just be thankful they didn’t try making the movie in 1978:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,172,558)

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

UPDATE: Avengers characters made out of objects you can buy at Target.

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EPA Apologizes for Threatening to Crucify Oil Companies

Thursday, April 26, 2012 3:03 pm

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Obama-appointed Environmental Protection Agency official who explained that the agency uses a “crucify them” enforcement philosophy against oil and gas companies apologized for his comments on Wednesday night.

“All we ask is a simple offering of earth and water as a token of your submission, or our arrows will blot out the sun.”

“I apologize to those I have offended and regret my poor choice of words,” said Region 6 EPA Administrator Al Armendariz during a press conference. “Although I WAS historically correct about the Romans crucifying people at random to subjugate the conquered – which would make it a perfectly appropriate weapon for the EPA’s regulatory arsenal.”

“However, I’ve since been informed that ‘crucifixion’ is a term frequently associated with Christianity, and because this administration wishes to avoid the appearance of unconstitutionally conflating church and state, I withdraw the remark.”

“Obviously,” continued Armendariz, “I was just trying to say that the EPA intends only to enforce its own brand of bureaucratic justice, brooking not the least whisper of rebellion from the broken and defeated blackguards of the ‘free-marketeer’ persuasion. There will be no ‘exploration’. There will be no ‘profits’. There are only taxes and obedience. We will violate their women, burn their buildings, feed their dogs to our President, and sow salt upon their land, that it may lay scarred and desolate for all of eternity.”

“So,” concluded Armendariz, “I apologize if the ‘crucifixion’ thing offended any Muslims.”

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In My World: The Weirder Candidate

Thursday, April 26, 2012 11:00 am

“We need to portray Romney as a weirdo they can’t trust,” President Obama said in his strategy meeting. “That way, everyone will want to keep the country in my steady hands; they can see how well I putt.”

“We have a problem, though,” David Axelrod said. “Some weird stuff has come up about your past.”

Obama rolled his eyes. “This isn’t about that time I shot and ate a Chinaman, is it? They can’t dredge that up since I was only twenty-four at the time. And it’s not like something I’d normally do because I was high on coke. And nowadays, I lock myself in a room before doing blow.”

“No, it’s not that,” Axelrod said.

“Is this about Jeremiah Wright, then? My association with him shows I’m religious just like all those invisible sky fairy worshipers in the fly over states. I even participated in church activities like when I drove around with Wright and beat up white kids. I didn’t quite get the point of it, but I don’t really understand religion. What do we have against Satan again?”

“No, it’s not about that,” Axelrod said.

Obama sighed. “They’re not bringing up William Ayers again, are they? I barely knew the guy and hardly any of the bombs I made for him successfully went off.”

“No, that’s not it either.”

“Did they find my second wife? Romney can’t make an issue of that because his great-grandfather was a polygamist. And so what if she’s in al Qaeda; they’re hardly a threat anymore.”

“No not that. Here, I’ll show you.”

Axelrod turned on the TV. On screen was Mitt Romney talking to the press. “It’s come to my attention that Barack Obama has eaten dogs. While I’ve never personally met someone in the middle class, I’ve been credibly informed they don’t like it when people eat dogs. If I owned a dog as a child, I’d never have eaten him. Of course, as a rich person, my pet was instead a pygmy albino gorilla named Reginald. He did eat a dog, and I was very cross at him for it and locked him in his gorilla pen all night and didn’t give him the vintage Merlot he signed for.”

“What?” Obama exclaimed. “They’re bringing that up?! But I was only six… when I started. And we’re really careful to make sure each replacement Bo looks just like the last.”

“Still,” Axelrod said, “it makes you seem a little weird.”

“Romney can’t portray me as weird! He’s the weird one! He’s a Mormon, which means he wears magic underwear… which is way different than the cursed underwear I wear and am unable to take off.”

“Have you tried taking them off?”

“I TOLD YOU THEY’RE CURSED!” Obama screamed. “Anyway, the public will like me again when I finally get them the unicorns I promised them in my 2008 campaign. When do we show the public the breeding pair we found?”

“Um… don’t you remember? You killed and ate them.”

Obama thought for a moment. “No, I don’t remember. We really need better locks on my recreation room.”

“Anyway, the dog-eating isn’t all bad.” Axelrod handed Obama a memo. “When we polled who people like more, a dog-eater or the person responsible for the current state of the economy, the dog-eater polled much better. It might be better to keep people focused on that than on other things.”

Obama nodded. “Then I will do nothing but publicly eat dogs until the election.”

“And maybe start eating live kittens at some point if people begin to lose interest.”

“Consider it done!” Obama stood up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wind down. Get the locks ready.”
_______________

[Click for more "Obama Ate a Dog" humor]

UPDATE: linked by Darth Chipmunk

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