Today is National Honesty Day.
Probably no coincidence that it’s almost exactly on the opposite side of the year as election day.
When posting at IMAO, I confess that I regularly… stretch the truth… on some of my posts (except for Newsish Fakery, of course). So to make up for that, it’s time to serve up a stack of plain-talk pancakes:
Janet Napolitano = Justin Bieber + 40 years
1) Obama said Jon Stewart has “more credibility than a lot of more conventional news programs do.” So does the last check I bounced.
2) On foreign policy, Joe Biden was correct to observe that “the president has a big stick.” He doesn’t have the stones to break anyone’s bones with it, though.
3) If you send in Seal Team 6, you don’t need to nuke it from orbit to be sure.
4) I don’t believe Obama when he says he ate a dog. He’s about as convincing as those guys in high school who’d tell you “I went out with a cheerleader last night and we TOTALLY did it!”
5) Porky Pig didn’t have a speech impediment, Warner Brothers just bought him a really cheap teleprompter.
6) Chevy Volts don’t “mysteriously” burst into flame, unless you think the Fire Triangle is someplace near Bermuda.
7) Although the “kids getting alcohol poisoning from drinking Purell” story is an internet hoax, drinking Purell would actually be less risky than drinking Obama’s Kool-Aid.
8) People joke that electronic media will never replace print because you can’t line a bird cage with a Kindle. You can, it’s just really expensive. Obama would probably give you a grant for it, though.
9) Rachel Maddow complained that women only make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. Obama’s well on the way to fixing this, since unemployment pays EVERYONE the same.
10) Toothpicks are man’s best friend. His worst enemy: gum splinters.
11) The real reason Obama quit smoking? He wasn’t cool enough any more. Joe Camel never would’ve wrecked the economy.
12) Obama said that, under Obamacare, if you like your current insurance, you can keep it. Similarly, my auto mechanic offers to let me keep the broken parts he replaces on my car.
13) If you really want to be an overachiever, don’t give 110%. Give pi. That’s like 314%.
14) If Paul Ryan were elected President, not only would he nuke the moon on day one, he’d do it under budget while passing massive tax cuts.
And I want to mention one more thing, because so many people get it wrong: Chris Matthews did NOT say that Obama gave him a “tingle” up his leg. He said, “I felt this thrill going up my leg.” Which is somehow even creepier.