12 Fun Facts About Romney

Posted on April 30, 2012 11:00 am

A lot of conservatives seem disappointed that Mitt Romney is going to be the GOP nominee. He seems like the boring, safe choice. But to cheer everyone up, Harvey and I looked up some fun facts about him to show he’s not quite as boring as he seems.

FUN FACTS ABOUT MITT ROMNEY

* At night, he dresses up in a costume and goes to the poorest neighborhoods and beats people up… some of them criminals.

* He loves to engage in money fights, and he usually wins since he’s often the only with big bags of cash on him.

* He’s only real friend is hologram Tupac.

* In his house he has a car elevator, a toaster elevator, a toilet elevator, and an elevator elevator to help deliver elevator’s into his house. Interestingly, the only way for a human to get to the second story is to climb a rope with knots tied in it.

* He’s never been big on guns because of Asimov’s Laws of Robotics.

* Somewhere in Romney’s attic is a wig that grows increasingly older and uglier.

* If elected, Mitt Romney would become only the second American President who was also secretly a vampire hunter

* Mitt Romney supports the idea that corporations are people, yet opposes converting them to Soylent Green.

* He was very surprised by the controversy about him strapping his dog to the roof of his car because no one complained when he transported a hobo the same way.

* He’s an avid blogger, though he does so under the pseudonym “Allahpundit.”

* Has repeatedly punched Bill Gates in the face, though just as part of his rich person fight club.

* He still has the first dollar he ever earned and the hand of the first person who tried to steal it.

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14 Responses to “12 Fun Facts About Romney”

  1. Son of Bob says:

    “Has repeatedly punched Bill Gates in the face, though just as part of his rich person fight club.”

    Don’t forget the first rule of rich person fight club. Pay your help well so they don’t talk about rich person fight club.

  2. DamnCat says:

    “* He’s only real friend is hologram Tupac.”

    That’s because Romney is a hologram.

  3. Mxymaster says:

    And he bought the Justice League its satellite HQ. Don’t forget that.

  4. plentyobailouts says:

    “He was very surprised by the controversy about him strapping his dog to the roof of his car because no one complained when he transported a hobo the same way.”

    But he wore sunglasses so no one could tell it was him.

    “Somewhere in Romney’s attic is a wig that grows increasingly older and uglier.”

    The occupant takes his on date night

    “He’s never been big on guns because of Asimov’s Laws of Robotics.”

    So when the zombies chase them, he is being tripped

  5. Ernie Loco says:

    Ok, the Allahpundit line cracked me up. That’s good stuff, right there.

  6. CrustyB says:

    He seems like the boring, safe choice.

    He’s about as safe as a Frodo flying a hydrogen balloon flying into Mordor.

  7. CapitalistB says:

    He once punched a hippy in Reno just to watch him cry.

  8. Hammy says:

    “Somewhere in Romney’s attic is a wig that grows increasingly older and uglier”

    You made me laugh like an idiot at my desk with that one Frank. Good thing my co-workers are used to it.

  9. seanmahair says:

    Any one who punches Bill Gates in the face “repeatedly” can’t be all bad.

  10. Bob in Feenicks says:

    Does the hologram Tupac have a giant ‘H’ on his forehead?
    That would be smeggin’ awesome.

  11. Dohtimes says:

    Mitt Romney once tried to get a Constitutional amendment passed that required any US President to not have ears that were wider apart than the current First Lady’s hips. Obama would not have qualified to sit in office until just last week if he had succeeded.

  12. Jimmy says:

    At only 5’6″, Romney once considered wearing elevator shoes. But he changed his mind because they clashed with his elevator neck.

  13. Jimmy says:

    We were warned all along about Romney winning the nomination by none other than ussjimmycarter!

    He warned us not just about winning, mind you, but about having the outcome totally rigged by the Republican power elite.

    And some of us thought he was just being cynical!

    But he was right, of course. Congrats, ussjc. High Praise! from us plebes!

    Oh – and you were more right than you know, ussjc. There is no more hope for the Republican Party. That’s okay – I don’t care about the Party any more. I just want the Republic to survive and the rule of law to return.

  14. 4of7 says:

    Has Fred Thompson endorsed him yet?

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