EPA Apologizes for Threatening to Crucify Oil Companies

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Obama-appointed Environmental Protection Agency official who explained that the agency uses a “crucify them” enforcement philosophy against oil and gas companies apologized for his comments on Wednesday night.

“All we ask is a simple offering of earth and water as a token of your submission, or our arrows will blot out the sun.”

“I apologize to those I have offended and regret my poor choice of words,” said Region 6 EPA Administrator Al Armendariz during a press conference. “Although I WAS historically correct about the Romans crucifying people at random to subjugate the conquered – which would make it a perfectly appropriate weapon for the EPA’s regulatory arsenal.”

“However, I’ve since been informed that ‘crucifixion’ is a term frequently associated with Christianity, and because this administration wishes to avoid the appearance of unconstitutionally conflating church and state, I withdraw the remark.”

“Obviously,” continued Armendariz, “I was just trying to say that the EPA intends only to enforce its own brand of bureaucratic justice, brooking not the least whisper of rebellion from the broken and defeated blackguards of the ‘free-marketeer’ persuasion. There will be no ‘exploration’. There will be no ‘profits’. There are only taxes and obedience. We will violate their women, burn their buildings, feed their dogs to our President, and sow salt upon their land, that it may lay scarred and desolate for all of eternity.”

“So,” concluded Armendariz, “I apologize if the ‘crucifixion’ thing offended any Muslims.”

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19 Comments

  1. “I apologize to those I have offended and regret my poor choice of words,” said Armendariz during a press conference. “Obviously we don’t actually crucify people. It’s really more like being drawn and quartered – you know, like the end of Braveheart.”

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  2. Armendariz promises to ward off future complaints by saying the oil company official looked like Obama’s son wearing a hoodie. We had to shoot him before he ate our dog. Having Debbie Wasserman Schultz

    write our speeches will fix everything.

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  3. EPA Administer Jackson : Hao! Dai ye! We crucified another domestic energy producer again! This is good, but what is best in life?
    EPA underling: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and unlimited reams of federal regulations.
    EPA Administer Jackson: Wrong! Armendariz! What is best in life?
    Armendariz : To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women….and watch the cost of oil climb.
    EPA Administer Jackson: That is good! That is good.

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  4. A quote attributed to Genghis Khan, and modified to fit the present situation: “The greatest happiness is to vanquish your the EPA’s enemies, to chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth, to see those dear to them bathed in tears, to clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.”

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  5. Apropos of nothing in particular – anybody read ‘The Hiding Place’ by Corrie Ten Boom? At the end, she gets out of the Nazi concentration camp and goes back to Holland. There are no pets; starvation and privation in occupied Holland had been so grim people ate them. I suppose it’s actually rather kind of Obama to point the way to survival in man-made ‘Utopias’; still I would prefer that he would cease with his transformation of America and collect stamps or something instead.

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  6. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier, but the correct response to a threat of crucifixion from an oppressive government is to stand up and say “I am Spartacus!”.

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