Archive for May, 2012

Another Brilliant Move by the EPA

Thursday, May 31, 2012 9:06 pm

The EPA made a deal with NASCAR to promote recycling and environmentally-friendly products to racing fans.

Next up: selling iPods to the Amish.

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And You Were Worried They Couldn’t Come Up With a Dumber Idea Than Battleship

Thursday, May 31, 2012 8:06 pm

Tetris: The Movie


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #768,103)

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Does This Take Superhero Parodies Too Far?

Thursday, May 31, 2012 7:05 pm

That Iron Man scooter was crazy enough, but superhero album covers?


Wolverine doing Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”

And yeah, it gets weirder…

(For you younger folks, an “album” was like a big, black CD made out of vinyl that people put on spinning platforms back in the Long, Long Ago.)

(For you older folks, it was like a wax cylinder, except flat.)

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Link of the Day: Top 10 Reasons Michelle Obama Appeared on the Letterman Show

Thursday, May 31, 2012 6:01 pm

Missed this when it came out in March, but I think it’s timeless enough to still enjoy today:

Top 10 Reasons Michelle Obama Appeared on the Letterman Show

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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10 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows Better Than You

Thursday, May 31, 2012 3:51 pm

The West Coast Botoxian is at it again, bragging about how much smarter she is than the numerous federal judges and countless legal scholars who disagree with her:

When asked why she is so confident the Supreme Court will uphold the health care law, Pelosi says, “Because I know the Constitution.”

Were I a Twitterite, I’d suggest the hashtag #NancyKnows and encourage people to pile on.

Not being such, I’ll just speculate thusly regarding the superior contents of her surgically-taut-skinned noggin:
______________

Nancy knows how to do a killer Dr. Evil impression.

1) Surprisingly, Nancy knows how to find out what’s in the Constitution, even though she didn’t personally pass it first.

2) Nancy knows why the rent is too damn high.

3) Nancy knows if the cat in the box is alive or dead. Suck it, Schrödinger!

4) Nancy knows what’s in the “Pulp Fiction” briefcase. Not quite sure how to get a special tax on it past those obstructionist Republicans, though.

5) Nancy knows why the caged bird sings. Also suspects the song it’s singing is racist, since it sounds suspiciously like “When You’re Holding a Hammer“.

6) Nancy knows that paying people to work creates fewer jobs than paying them to NOT work. May be somewhat unclear on what a “job” is, however.

7) Nancy knows how to turn lead into gold. Step 1: find someone with gold. Step 2: hit them with a lead pipe and steal it.

8) Nancy knows which way you swing – no asking or telling required.

9) Nancy knows how to defy the law of gravity, but, as usual, only government officials are allowed to get away with it.

10) Nancy knows what the Matrix is, although she lacks the ultra-cool sunglasses to prove it.
______________

Apparently there’s only one thing Nancy doesn’t know.

Her limitations:


[YouTube direct link]

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed.

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Nuke the News: Obama to Top All Presidents Mustache-wise

Thursday, May 31, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama says he probably knows more about Judaism than any other president because he read a book about them and some of his best friends were Jews and he once dissected one. Obama then said he was the strongest president ever and challenged all other presidents to a fight. When George W. Bush accepted, Obama said he had a cold so he’d have to postpone the fight. Then Obama said he was going to grow the BIGGEST MUSTACHE OF ALL PRESIDENTS, one so huge it would make Teddy Roosevelt look like he had a pedostache in comparison. He then said he was going to create the most jobs of any presidents… but then decided against that so he could focus more on the mustache thing.

* A prominent Democrat, Artur Davis, is switching to the Republicans. He had voted against Obamacare, which got him in trouble since black people are not allowed independent thought in the Democrat Party. But now that he’s a Republican, he can have whatever views he wants… as long as they’re not hippie views we’ll punch him for. But we do that to all races because we aren’t stupid racists like the Democrats.

* Mayor Bloomberg is banning large sodas because it’s his job as dictator to make sure his subjects don’t have too many choices to confuse them. Wait, that’s not right; this is America. We don’t have dictators telling us how to run our lives. Does he know what country he’s in? Maybe someone should explain it to him. Or maybe we should pass a law forcing Bloomberg to dress in an elf costume and dance for us. If he protests, we’d whip him and say, “It’s for your own good! Elf dances burn calories!” Hopefully he’d learn his lesson… or at least come up with a really entertaining dance.

* Here’s a new one in asininely raising the specter of racism: Bans on sex-selective abortion are targeting Asians. Really, at this point, liberals should just not be allowed to make a charge of racism. 99% of it’s just utter, partisan nonsense. If a liberal thinks he’s found an instance of racism, he should go tell a conservative, and if the conservative agrees, he’ll tell people about it. If he doesn’t, he’ll punch the liberal for being a hippie. That’s how they learn.

* Some people are petitioning that we have a “do not kill” list. So if your name is on that list, Obama can’t kill you with a drone. I just wish he listened to public input on the kill list. I mean, there’s people I want killed. Can I suggest names?

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Random Thoughts: Focusing Hatred

Thursday, May 31, 2012 9:40 am

We’re at the point where all the loyal Democrats are sure they hate Romney but they’re still settling on exactly why.

“Sorry, you’re not going home with a kingdom, but you are getting a year supply of Rice-A-Roni and the Game of Thrones Home Game.”

You can tell a liberal is disingenuously charging racism when they’re charging racism.

I think I might be part Cherokee because my grandfather had high cheekbones and attacked stagecoaches.

“A is not A… it’s an alien impostor!” -if Ayn Rand wrote scifi

Going to create a Kickstarter project to nuke the moon. What will the Lunar X prize pay for that?

What I hate most about Obama’s kill list is that he’s hogging all the choosing who dies. I want to pick some!

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Promoted Comment: Obama’s Son

Thursday, May 31, 2012 7:57 am

[High Praise! to BillyRayBob]

From this post on Obama’s list of “Presidential Firsts“:

First President to put his two cents into every news story whenever it involves cops and African Americans.

“If I had a son, he’d look like Causeway Cannibal Rudy Eugene”

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I Might Vote for Obama in 2012 if He Did This

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 9:37 pm

On Face the Nation, after playing a clip of President Obama bragging about his accomplishments, Bob Schieffer actually literally, actually, truly laughed out loud.

Instead of the presidency, maybe Obama should run for host of The Daily Show.

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It’s a New Record!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 8:35 pm

A Los Angeles photographer filed a police report accusing Justin Bieber of assaulting him.

Jimmy Carter being attacked by a rabbit – no longer the wimpiest thing ever.

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Link of the Day: FINALLY! The Complete List of Obama’s Accomplishments

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 6:09 pm

[High Praise! to Travelwise42]

Obama’s Rather Impressive List Of “Accomplishments”

Including:

First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.
First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.
First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.
First President to violate the War Powers Act.
First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

LOTS more at the link.

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Choom Gang: The Taiwanese Animated Video

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 5:04 pm

[High Praise! to Grouchy Old Cripple]


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #2,049)

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Feds Bust on Cute Coffee Girls – 10 More Possible Targets

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 2:55 pm

[High Praise! to Seanmahair]

They’re from the government, and they’re here to help you.

The EEOC is investigating Marylou’s, a Massachusetts coffee house chain, for hiring only cute young ladies as waitresses and dressing them up in tight pink halter tops.

Nobody complained, you understand, it’s just that some jack-booted EEOC thug saw one of their commercials featuring the aforementioned attractive waitresses, and decided that being both perky and female on film was a crime that needed snooping into.

So who’s next on the list?

I speculate thusly:
______________

“I’m making this white guy head of the CFPB instead of this woman of color.”

1) Wal-Mart – Their logo features a yellow smiley face. Where are the red, white, black, and brown smiley faces?

2) Chippendale’s has yet to hire a dancer in a wheelchair.

3) The Mafia routinely file-13’s applications from anyone with blond hair, an unbroken nose, and a last name that doesn’t end with a vowel.

4) Ever notice that reality-TV talent shows only let you be “the cranky judge” if you’ve got a British accent?

5) I dare you to list all the armless professional soccer players. You’d think they’d be scooping them up by the bushel.

6) “The View” hasn’t offered Justin Bieber a job yet, and he’s 10 times the woman Joy Behar is.

7) Peter Dinklage? The Lakers won’t touch him, even though he’s impossible to guard. WHOOP! Right between your legs!

8) Speaking of basketball, LeBron still hasn’t heard back on that jockey gig. Is it because he’s black?

9) Remember when Bill Clinton went 8 years without hiring a single skinny intern? Not a peep from his EEOC.

10) I also heard about a cheese shop once that didn’t actually have any cheese, but I think that was in England, so having a bouzouki player apparently counted toward that hiring quota. Odd folk, the English.
______________

Of course, at IMAO, we have a strict “No Irish” policy, but that’s not discrimination, that’s just plain common sense.

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Wisdom of the Day: Goodbye, Detroit

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 1:00 pm

From Fred Thompson:

Population plummeting, Detroit to turn off half of streetlights to save money. Last one out of Detroit, please get the rest of ‘em.

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Nuke the News: Barack Cheney

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama won’t waterboard people. He’ll just put them on kill lists. Isn’t this actually very reassuring? Despite all his unicorns and rainbow rhetoric, Obama is apparently very ruthless on the military side with his drone strikes where he doesn’t really care about collateral damage (any male who is military-aged is assumed to be a combatant unless proven otherwise) and his keeping rendition. He’s like Cheney… if Cheney were more effete and petulant. Still, some Cheney is better than no Cheney.

* Jay Carney tried to explain what’s the difference between what Bain Capital did and what Obama did with Solyndra. Of course, the difference is that with Obama’s green investment, he’s just risking our money, not his own, so he doesn’t care that much about making sure they’re good investments. But Carney gave the best answer he could: He stammered incomprehensibly for a minute. In fact, incomprehensible stammering is probably the best explanation for all of Obama’s policies. Maybe he can even make it a slogan.

“Obama 2012: Because [unintelligible]”

* Romney has now officially cinched the GOP nomination. So if you were one of those silly people still holding out hope for someone else, you can stop now. But it could be worse. I mean, he’s no McCain. Unlike him, Romney seems to really want to be president, so we can expect some fight out of him. And if he fails to defeat Obama, we shall banish him from this land to never be seen again.

* You know Robert Mugabe, murderous dictator? The U.N. has released a statement about him: He’s a leader for tourism!

Ah, the U.N. is so useful and totally not an affront to human decency.

That was sarcasm.

But think of it this way: The more time murderous dictatorships spend working on U.N. silliness, the less people they’re murdering.

The U.N.: We keep murderous dictators busy with useless crap.

* According to a Gallup poll, U.S. adults estimate that about 25% of the population is gay. The actual number is probably around 3%, so why do people think the numbers are so high? Is thinking everyone around you it totally gay a tolerance thing or the opposite? I blame the influence of Obama. We really need to toughen up as a country, because apparently we’re looking pretty gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

* There is now a Lunar X prize for landing an unmanned vehicle on the moon. There are also bonus prizes for doing things such as photographing the original Apollo landing sites. I don’t know what kind of bonus you get for exploding a nuke on the moon such that it’s visible from earth, but I’m looking into it and will soon start talking to investors.

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Random Thoughts: Just Like Hitler

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 9:40 am

As the number of comparisons to Hitler increase, probability of someone bringing up Godwin’s Law approaches 1.

“If you’re just going to bring up ‘Nazis’ and ‘Hitler’ in every argument, I’m not even going to take you seriously.” -Adolph Hitler

I’m some sort of smart genius.

If I had billions in Facebook stock, I’d be so sad right now.

MILITARY: “Drones took out Megan Fox, Kate Upton, and Christina Hendricks.”
OBAMA: “That was not my kill list!”

Mitt Romney really wants to be president. I really want Obama not to be president. Seems like we can form an alliance.

Well, honestly, I’ll probably sell more copies of my book if Obama is reelected. It won’t be horrible for me either way.

Are the Polish going to apologize to Obama for murdering people in their death camps?

I’m going to act like a champion of the common man until my membership in the elite is approved.

Did you know that RINOs get invited to cocktail parties? And the drinks there are FREE!

Real Talk: It’s a stupid social site we could all live without. In no version of reality is it worth 80 kajillion dollars.

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Michelle Obama: Boob Belt Fever

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 9:47 pm

[High Praise! to Michelle Obama's Mirror]


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #3,916)

Just thought #5 from this post could use a reference link.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Top Conservative Blogs.

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And the Award for Most Inappropriate Use of a Superhero Goes to…

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 7:06 pm

The guy who thought this was a good idea:

Yeah, it’s an Iron Man scooter.

Part of my soul just died.

[High Praise! to Technabob]

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Link of the Day: If Top Gun Were About Mathematicians Instead of Fighter Pilots

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 6:06 pm

I don’t remember the last time I saw something this nerdy. If your sense of humor runs that direction, you’ll love this cartoon from Abstruse Goose [NOTE: contains a swear that was in the movie "Top Gun"]:

Top Wrangler

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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10 Unbelievable Surprises in Michelle Obama’s New Book

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 4:43 pm

Wow.

USA Today just ran the world’s puffiest puff piece on Michelle Obama, the excuse being the book “she wrote” a book about the White House garden.

I, for one, can’t wait to get my hands on this epic tome, as it’s sure to be the greatest thing penned by a Democrat since “Pow Wow Chow.”

Wonder what’s in there?

I speculate thusly:
______________

Meet the Mother of the Children of the Corn!

1) Turns out all the recipes in it were plagiarized from Julia.

2) Barack’s nickname for Michelle’s little field is the “Greyhound Garnish Garden.”

3) Michelle’s garden contains Swiss chard, sea kale, Early Jersey Wakefield cabbage, four kinds of garlic, and a patch of blueberries. It’s also 1/32 Indian Corn. Plus a little choom in the corner.

4) Every child who worked in the Michelle’s garden was rewarded with a free trip to Vail. Just kidding. That’s only Michelle’s kids.

5) At harvest time, the sound of the kids singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” can be heard for miles. Those not singing loud enough feel the sting of Michelle’s boob-belt.

6) To keep pesky critters away from the veggies, an audio system plays an endless loop of Joe Biden’s speeches. BOOM! They’re out cold & snoring in 15 seconds.

7) Michelle Obama’s 22 paid staff members work hard to make the garden a success. Do you know how tough it is finding places that sell $6000 gardening gloves and gold-plated shovels?

8) The harvested vegetables are carried into the White House kitchen using baskets hand-woven by re-trained former Solyndra employees. Stimulus creates or saves again!

9) To keep the Secret Service agents from nodding off while listening to old Biden speeches, alertness is encouraged by dressing the scarecrows as Colombian hookers.

10) MSNBC’s Chris Hayes is quoted as saying that he would be completely comfortable calling any large sandwich made with a long, crusty roll split lengthwise and containing White-House-grown vegetables a “hero.”
______________

There’s also probably something in there about an extra tax on the 1% of the vegetables the grew the largest, since at a certain point, you’ve absorbed enough of the soil’s nutrients.

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